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Old 2012-08-08, 00:41   Link #90
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Originally Posted by KeithKurogane View Post
Hi guys... need a bit of your opinion for Accelerated Zombie.
Spoiler for Accelerated Zombie Prologue v0.7:
So far, you are holding my interest, but the dialogue is a little dry.and at times clumsy- especially towards the end. You might to pay more attention to tone of voice, ambiance and surroundings as well as Haru's internal thoughts, since it seems that we are looking at this story from his POV. Else, you run the risk of a dialogue-response-action style of writing, which can get quite repetitive.

For instance, especially at the end, what is the reaction of the rest of the room when Haru plugged on the Neurolinker.

What of physical descriptions? Beautiful doesn't simply cut it, for example - what does Haru think of that kind of beauty? What is Haru feeling? What is the mood of the rest of the room? There's a lot of small little touches you can make to improve this Snippet. How does this Haru look like? Still short and obese? Or perhaps physically different ( less pudgier, still short, but not grossly fat, etc, etc.) after his time in Tokyo?

It's a respectable effort, with an interesting premise that I hope will derail canon quickly, but there's quite alot of room of improvement. The premise grips me, but your writing hasn't exactly yet.
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