2010-05-06, 06:38 | Link #1 |
Imouto-Chan♥
Graphic Designer
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: England
Age: 30
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Dealing with Manipulative People
Hey Everyone!
-Didn't know where to put this or anything, so I put it here. So I am having so much trouble with a 'friend'. Just recently I have figured out that our friendship has been based on lies for the past 3 years. She has played the guilt card and lied about EVERYTHING! My other friends and I have discussed this and realised she is nothing but a lying manipulative little cow. I don't really want to drop her as a friend but I don't know what to do. I found out she'd lied to me about being raped.. I thought it was disgusting when I found out she'd lied, I confronted her and she apologised for lying to me and she doesn't know why she did it, but with all my other friends she is still pretending as if it actually happened, when they know full well it didn't!! She's been completely slagging me off to her friends and she's slagged my friends of to me, she is unbelievable! The only thing's I know about her is that it's one fictional problem after another, trust me it's much more than just the rape lie. It's driving me mad!! She is claiming now that she's being bullied by her best friend. I spoke to her best friend and they've only had a fall out because she owes her best friend £35 and won't give it her. At the moment she is being totally unbelievable; I walked home from school with her and she told me the plan to hurt her apparent rapist, although he was my friend and I don't want him injured for no reason. But 'apparently' he was sending her dodgy texts and her Mum and brother found out.. I know full well it's a load of bullshit.. so it concerns me why she is continously lying to me.. but when I don't listen or take her seriously she makes me feel bad for it! She tells me how she's always been there for me and how I should do the same. And it's awful.. but I have discussed this with my friends and it's as if she sits at home planning how to make someone get hurt again. It's as if her whole life revolves around lying and manipulating people and making them feel as low as she does! We don't know how to deal with it, I would feel to guilty just leaving her on her own, I really am too nice. I really need your advice on how to tackle this sort of behaviour. Thankies!
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2010-05-06, 06:58 | Link #2 |
Komrades of Kitamura Kou
Join Date: Jul 2004
Age: 39
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Sounds like pathological lying coupled with some histrionic behavior. Not exactly my field, but your "friend" needs to see a therapist. Sounds like a possibility for Histrionic Personality Disorder.
If you think she's worth it, or if she shows signs of guilt for her actions, I do highly suggest you try and talk her into seeing a therapist. Pretending to be raped and trying to continue the charade is a VERY serious sign of a mental problem when you consider the severity of the crime she pretends to have suffered from, not to mention the almost irreparable harm she can do with a false accusation to her supposed assailant. The irony here is that in the end, she's the one who's going to suffer the most from her actions and not you or your other friends. As I've said if you think she's worth it, and if you really want to help her, try to get her to see a specialist. If she refuses or you see no way to try and make her change for the better, then it is time to cut off all contact from this person. Her refusal to change will ultimately drag her down into the gutter, and if she continues her slide into her own personal hell, then it would be wise not to be dragged down with her. Sorry to say, but in the end that might be your best option. Good luck with this. |
2010-05-06, 07:14 | Link #3 | |
Senior Guest
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Athens (GMT+2)
Age: 35
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Things you can do:
1) Call her an attention hoe and never trust another word she says. 2) Ignore her till she has a real story to tell. 3) Forgive, but don't forget. Tell her straight up that if she keeps lying, you'll beat some sense into her or stop being her friend, continuous lying is beyond offensive and she doesn't seem to give a damn about how others feel. So, if she ever realizes what you and your other friends are going through, just maybe she'll stop lying...at least that much. Quote:
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2010-05-06, 08:42 | Link #5 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Gaijinland
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When I was a kid, me and my friends would come up with the weirdest stories, just to keep the conversations interesting. What happenned is that in the end I couldn't believe anything of what they said anymore.
But this case is more serious. From what I can tell, she will never change. I'd recommend to let it clear to all of your friends how manipulative she is. Actually, I have a friend who is pretty much like that as well. I talk to her, but never get to her side when I know she's trying to pull some lie (which happens frequently, btw.). |
2010-05-06, 10:19 | Link #6 |
NYAAAAHAAANNNNN~
Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 35
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IMO, she's probably lonely and felt ignored. Compulsive lying is a common trait of lonely people to draw attention to themselves.
You have to talk to her and be on her side if you want to wean her out of it. Otherwise, you can just ignore her, which is a simpler solution many choose. P.S TBRHFMH, if you call this manipulative, then you have never worked in an office before.
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2010-05-06, 13:19 | Link #7 | ||
Imouto-Chan♥
Graphic Designer
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: England
Age: 30
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Wow, replies.. yay!
Well; thanks for your replies.. reading what you guys've put.. I might just give up now.. Although it'll be hard, she's been such an important part of my life. I mean I do want to help her, maybe get her to talk to someone professional but it'd be a task, and meanwhile I don't know if I could put up with all the more lies. Quote:
and I am 16, I haven't worked in an office before Quote:
Thought about it; and my friend said she's probably psychopathic.. guess it's the fact that she never seems to regret it.. Thanks for your replies.
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2010-05-06, 13:22 | Link #8 |
Asuki-tan Kairin ↓
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Fürth (GER)
Age: 43
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Tell her, if she wants your attention she could try not to lie to you. If she lies to you turn her down for the moment. Tell her in a calm manner she can as well tell her lies to the next wall or sth. like that - try to radiate pity.
And don't feel guilty if you turn her down, she is untrustworthy and has no problem with harming people for her gains using her lies.
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2010-05-06, 13:40 | Link #9 | |
NYAAAAHAAANNNNN~
Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 35
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If I am not wrong, it seems that she has a really huge problem behind her that culminates into this defensive stance of storytelling. Take some time off, and sit down, talk nicely to her, even when she flares at you. Keep digging : one way is to agree with her, and try to make her talk the soft way because she's being defensive. P.S It seems that I am the one playing nice here. Everyone seems to advocate for the "burn that bitch!" solution.
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2010-05-06, 15:07 | Link #10 | |
Disabled By Request
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Iibh, I would cut every form of contact with her and cease to have anything to do with her. Someone who lies and deceives you and other people the way she does really isn't worth the time, especially when she can so easily lie about being raped and actually accuse someone of having done that when you know she's never been raped in the first place. But if you really want to keep her as a friend, then you better tell her to put her sh*t together and act straight with everyone, cuz the way she's acting right now is a good sign she doesn't give a damn about how others feel about being around her and how trustworthy she is. You should also be ready to face other people's scrutiny for being around her. I doubt other people would want to spend the time trying to get her act together and would probably associate you with her. Rumors start to spread and next thing you know, people will say you're also playing along with her lies. |
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2010-05-06, 17:07 | Link #12 |
Senior Guest
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Athens (GMT+2)
Age: 35
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She doesn't have to really write her off, but if you give these people half a chance, they'll shamelessly take it and start up their next story, taking you for granted all the more. So, in order to break the smug attitude of "everyone's playing into my lies", you either outright tell everyone she's lying or everyone stops caring, so that lying has no effect on the liar. Whatever feelings of security or fulfillment they get from lying are not only based on others buying it, but also on the action of lying as letting out stress (among other things). Thus, if you force her to stop talking, maybe the bad habit of lying will go away.
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2010-05-06, 17:17 | Link #13 | |
NYAAAAHAAANNNNN~
Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 35
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I would give that girl a chance, sit down and talk nicely to her. If she doesn't, well, whoever rapes her is none of my business.
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2010-05-06, 17:31 | Link #14 |
close to insanity
Author
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i would say take a step back from her. just take a breather for a few days, and that period of time you could think it through. you can look at the relation you had with her, if it's worth the time and energy your going to put in it, if it be pointless to try so. if you can't make up your mind then you should have a talk with her, trying to find out why she does it, if she wants help for it. and then if you don't consider it worth of your time and energy and consider it to be pointless you should stop all contact.
cuz if she won't change, if she won't stop lying like that. she'll drag you down in whatever mess she will make for herself in the future, causing you to clean up the damm mess she makes with all her lies.
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2010-05-06, 18:16 | Link #15 |
Banned
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Everyone I've encountered lies or manipulates to some degree. Even if it's just not telling you something you need to know. I think it really is true, the old saying "you want the truth? You can't handle the truth!" If we, as humans, can't really handle the truth or don't want it, the result is that we end up lying to each other.
This applies to your friend who, as Saintess said, is probably lonely. When people get lonely, they do stupid things. The only real solution is to learn to pay attention to people and to reward truth. If someone wants to be honest with you, then you need to respond by being closer and caring more. If she finds out that truth merely pushes people away, that will teach her what people really want, and she'll join the rest of humanity in lying. So far, I've found very few people who can really deal with truth, despite a number of them claiming they want that. At this stage, it all depends on whether you want to help the person, or shut them out of your life. One is the obvious easier decision. |
2010-05-07, 00:04 | Link #17 | |
NYAAAAHAAANNNNN~
Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 35
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And that's why only a handful of people can profit from playing the stock market. They know they are wrong in their speculations and cut losses immediately.
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2010-05-07, 00:38 | Link #19 |
Protecting the Throne
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Asia Tour
Age: 32
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It'd be a better idea to ask her what she thinks her main problem is but in a nice way of course. Most likely she's developed a personality disorder. I just had a Psychology subject last semester and she fits in the histrionic description. I wouldn't recommend her to go to a therapist as of yet. I just think she needs people to talk to and help her find the core of why she's acting like this.
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2010-05-07, 02:11 | Link #20 | |
Senior Guest
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Athens (GMT+2)
Age: 35
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