Anyone else get this from romance anime?

[x512dev]

I'm guessing my situation can't be unique to just me among all the anime fandom, so I figured I'd post about it here...

Now, I'm 19 (male), and a college sophomore. I'm a pretty unimpressive person, a few friends, many more "online" than off, and into anime. I'll come out and say that in 19 years I've had slim to none success with girls, to the point I haven't so much as kiss one in real life, meanwhile most people my age have done...well, you get my point. I've always been pretty unpopular/lonely, it was the same in high school, which was mostly as a result of back in elementary school I was kinda ostracized because I had problems with anxiety and other stuff and just generally was kinda lonely and picked on. Anyway. But this isn't about me.

Most anime I watch is romance/drama based, which I prefer over the more action-based stuff. I'll pick up a romantic comedy or a harem type series every now and again but those tend to get cliched as hell after a few...

So my point being: Given my situation and where I am in terms of 'progress' on relationships, I get the feeling when I watch anime sometimes that I wish I was still in high school. Because most romance anime seems to be based in a high school setting, especially the more lighthearted and comedic series. It's hard to find (for me at least) anything involving even a college-age setting. It's not that I don't like it, it's quite the opposite, I love these types of series. It just kinda makes me feel...I dunno...jealous almost that I didn't have that when I was in high school. Like even if it's a happy ending, I'll feel good about watching it, and then start comparing it to my own life and how I'm past that and I'll never have a chance to do something similar to that in that setting, since I'm past that stage in life, and most people have already gone through the whole 'first love' thing.

Anyone else feel similar? I know it's kinda weird that I said to get 'jealous' over an anime's characters/events, and maybe that wasn't the best choice of words. Although on a personal note, probably alot of my lack of social success is due to I've got a bit of a jealous streak myself and I find it hard to trust people. Years of being picked on by people pretending to be your friends (or more..) and then getting betrayed do that to a person. So yeah. (Different problem for a different board though...)

So...yeah, long post, sorry. Thoughts anyone?

-512

[Woopzilla]

While I'm not going to delve too much into with examples, you'll have to agree that most anime feature highly unlikley situations and coincidences that usually 'pair' up the main characters. Real life can possibly have those, but for most of us, school was just mostly made up of messing around with friends at lunch rather than always 'girlfriend' orientated.

About 'doing it' and so on, in the end you should probably pride yourself in waiting for the right person. I dunno... it's probably a good thing to have your 'first time' of anything with a person that will be more likely be your partner for life. Many early relationships don't seem to last long judging by how it went for the people I knew.

But in the end it all comes down to how you feel about it. You have to remember that it's just a dumb 'social norm' to have had some experience by a set age.

[oompa loompa]

Hahah all the time buddy, you aren't alone. 19 year old male here, and while I have been in a relationship or two, I get your drift. Not only that, I'm going to be a college sophomore as well. Also the school system I did my high school is also pretty similar to the Japanese system, so I relate a lot. It's not just the relationships, after watching shows I do regret a lot of things. I wish I had taken my studies more seriously, I wish I had taken my music more seriously, etc etc. As for the actual relationships, well, I was in a love-triangle like situation before, but it turned really sour. The thing you need to understand about these things, especially for the shows that really warm your heart (so to speak), are how easily things could've gone for the worse - my own experience showed me that. Things generally go very well in a lot of these anime's, but think about it, if someone had said something at some exact moment of time, or if someone had just felt a little bit different - how disastrous could things have turned out?

From what I've seen with many of my friends, a lot of these dramatic get together's don't last very long, and end in a tame fashion. What a lot of these stories don't show, is that real life does continue after you get together with someone, and what comes after counts just as much as the build-up - this is rarely addressed in high school romance anime's, though it's addressed fairly often in romance anime's which go beyond the immediate situation, and show what happens once the relationship gets going.

It's interesting how much the general age group of anime characters ( Oh I'm not blaming you, I'm just as guilty as you are) affects our perceptions about these things. High school is as lots of fun and hard work, with fiery relationships popping up at every corner - but we know that's not necessarily the truth. There's heartbreak, disappointment, and the daily grind as well - very little of that is being shown. You should try and watch some anime's which deal with older characters, infact, two of the best romance anime's ever made ( and I'm sure many will attest to this - Nodame Cantabile, Honey & Clover) are about college kids, and they've moved me more than any ( well, not any there is one exception for me - Toradora!) high school romances have. I can't attest to this, since I'm your age - but I'm sure many of the members here will tell you themselves - there's plenty of (fiery) romance to be had after high school. Out of all the Hollywood romance movies, the high school ones are normally the WORST - just keep that in mind.

All in all relax, take a deep breath and think about it. While you may draw parallels, these stories aren't meant to make you wish you spent your highschool days differently, they're meant to be enjoyed as stories. If anything, instead of regret, they should give you inspiration to try harder ( and that's at the very best, it takes one heck of a show to do this to the average person). Also, don't worry, as many of the users here will tell you, your not late at all, there's no need to rush with love just yet

As far as sex goes, while I don't think your mentality should be ' oh I'll just wait for the perfect person to come along', rushing into it isn't the right way either. I made that mistake, and boy do I regret it ( you won't hear many guys admitting that though lol). I mean, people do it, and its considered 'cool', but if you're not that type of person you're not that type of person. Without going into details, I really felt awful and disgusted with myself the next day - and you'd be surprised at how common a reaction that is. I'm sure you've heard it 12342353456 times, but relax, and enjoy yourself as much as you can.

[calorie]

Gee your life story is so similar to mine it's frightening. Granted, my situation has improved a bit in the past two years or so when it comes to girls; I'm not that timid anymore, training has gotten me to a better physique which always helps with confidence and attractiveness but still, all I can boast with so far are a couple of kisses, nothing more.

I feel so different than most of my friends - I am much more sensitive and romantic even though I hide that fact like hell. There is nothing wrong about that either from where I'm sitting, being different and having a mindset free of stereotypes can only be a good thing right?

Sometimes I wonder if there was really a genetic characteristic in my DNA that made me this way or if it is merely a consequence of the interactions with society and my position in it's groups (e.g. kindergarten, elementary, high school). But anyway, even though I'm a typical male in many other things, when it comes to love, friendship and things like that I feel much like a chick.

To get to the point, yes, I do feel jealous and melancholic when watching romance/slice of life animes. For example, as much as watching it cheers me up, Clannad or TMOHS make me really envious of Okazaki's or Kyon's life. My days in higshool were much more a torment than anything like that. Sure, that's fiction and idealized but some people really had a good time while they were that age. University feels so dull and bland I was depressed most of the time of my 2 years of schooling. My life here is pretty much the same as in highschool, only even less fun without any bright future events in sight...I suppose this is where anime kicks in (and it's probably the main reason why I started watching, though now it's become more than that).

There wasn't much point in my post I guess, other than relating to your situation and saying I totally understand. Who knows, maybe all this will make those moments in our lives more enjoyable when they eventually come.

[klare]

dont get too serious about things in anime... in reality everyone has different experience

and no point in comparing with anime characters, my similar experience is i also once felt jealous how fast the characters in anime learn and master basketball, but i could not do the same even i practised more

you are still young, maybe u can start to think seriously about what u really want in life and how to achieve it

be positive and wish u the best in life

[npcomplete]

I know how you feel about reliving high school, except being an all-boys Catholic HS filled with thugs, I would choose to do it over again at a different school

Anyways I think it's pretty natural and happens all the time actually, and not just with anime. People live vicariously through fiction and entertainment all the time. Just take a look at the popularity of romance novels among girls and older women, including married women.

[Nosauz]

Well, the one college anime that really gets my goat is genshiken, I love it, and am so envious of the lifestyle, whereas right now I'm completely getting pummeled to death by the mcats, it just makes reality really blatant and unavoidable, I think it's the juxtaposition of the surreal and real that bring out these intense feelings. Basically your mind wants the impossible to be possible, the highly coincidental, beautiful stories about others finding success even in their darkest hours to be true, and this is even more poignant in SoL's and Romances because the characters are relatable and are generally "real" in the sense that they (at least in good animes/manga's/light novels) are plausible possible human beings. It's quite interesting but yea when I reflect on my high school days I do wish they were more like Clannad or any one of those hundreds of animes, maybe its our subconsious's way of expressing remorse or regret about our own inaction in the past and these feelings are merely these deep down feelings of regret about the past bubbling up to the present.

[0utf0xZer0]

Are you sure your disillusionment is just because you've never had a girlfriend?

I get the impression some of you are fairly introverted, as am I. That can make starting at university can be a pretty brutal experience - you're out of familiar social territory plus if you're taking something like engineering, your workload is going to be a hell of a lot harder than you're used to. I remember it took me a couple years to really get my academics and social life in order enough to really enjoy it.

As for not having a girlfriend... I'm pretty inexperienced in such matters, but I do know that finding the right girl can take a while. It really is a matter both of luck and taking initiative when luck presents itself. I went through high school and four years of university (so far) without finding "her" (although there were a few close calls). Then recently I was at a con, doing what I like to do at cons (take cosplay photos of cute girls), and realized there was one particular girl who I'd talked to for a few minutes and would really like to see again sometime. I've been taking some steps to try and ensure that happens, and while I haven't had a lot of luck yet, I'm feeling pretty good about my chances.

So my advice? Try to relax, but at the same time, remember:


(0utf0xZer0 would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone he is neither a lolicon nor a pedophile (the girl I met at the con had an adult badge) and that only the text outside the picture on that motivator should be taken seriously.)

[Theowne]

@x512dev

I applaud you for writing this post. Yes, when I watch some anime, such as your example of high school love stories, I do regret not having those same kind of experiences. High school really is a part of life that no one realizes the value of until its over. Of course, what you have to remember, though it sounds obvious, is that anime isn't real. The kind of relationship in an anime like Kare Kano rarely happens in real life. That couple feels like they're made for each other - well, that's because they are. The were written with each other in mind by the author. The high school relationships which formed around me when I was in school were nothing like that. So while I certainly relate with your regret, I also have to acknowledge that it's not like that sort of thing was happening too much apart from me either. Some anime shows emphasize the best possibilities of high school relationships, but in reality most of it is more like some dumb melodrama, in my experience.

I think what x512dev is saying is a little further than just being upset at not having a girlfriend, 0utf0xZer0. There's a quote I've always liked, "“When people hear good music, it makes them homesick for something they never had, and never will have.” - Edgar Howe.

I think this, except replacing music with anime and homesick with nostalgic, might be more along of the lines of what x512dev is trying to say. Honestly, our youth is a much simpler and more innocent time, and the kind of friendships or love you have in that time is very different from those you have as adults, for better or for worse.

As for me, I'm in university now, I'm not very outgoing, don't make friends easily, and am in an engineering (heavy workload) program. It's not that I haven't tried...I went out to my Japanese club the day school started...but eventually just stopped going, because I didn't feel like fit in or wanted to fit in. Maybe I just have bad luck. Who knows. Maybe watching and reading too much fiction which idealizes friendship and love has permanently harmed my perspective on these things

[War_Lord]

Our situation seems to be similar in a lot of ways. The only fundamental difference I spot is that I have no urge what so ever to get into a relationship with anyone. Like you, I prefer romance/drama anime over any other (favorite so far is Bokura ga ita). However when I watch them, I don't really regret not doing more in my highschool years, nor do I get inspired to find romance for myself. I guess I'm what you might call a voyeur. I'd rather watch these things unfold than participate in them. Part of that might be due to my super sensitive nature, but the other part is just plain passisism.

Bottom line is, if you're comfortable with the way things are now, then just stick to that and don't let anyone tell you otherwise (One's lifestyle is subjective, never objective). But if you are unsatisfied, then take the necessary steps to find happiness for yourself. That's all we can do while we're still here.

[0utf0xZer0]

Originally Posted by Theowne

I think what x512dev is saying is a little further than just being upset at not having a girlfriend, 0utf0xZer0. There's a quote I've always liked, "“When people hear good music, it makes them homesick for something they never had, and never will have.” - Edgar Howe.

"Never had and never will have" - Dude, you need to think positive! I get what he's trying to say though - particularly since I'm a big fan of girls with animal ears and finding those in real life is rather difficult.

I do think that anime has given me rather high standards for what I want out of a relationship with a girl, but at the same time... I feel like romance anime opens kind of opens the mind up to what could be, which is a nice antidote to watching how some of your friends experiences turned out.

As for social situations... I'm part of my university's anime club and never really managed to penetrate any of the group's "cliques" in my first year or so. I had far more luck bonding with freshman (and even a newly arrived prof at the university!) in my second and third years though, so I've been much happier since. I don't want to give you unrealistic hopes, but sometimes you do get "dealt a better hand" so to speak with social groups than other times.

[MidnightViper88]

Originally Posted by x512dev

I get the feeling when I watch anime sometimes that I wish I was still in high school.

My thoughts run differently; My initial reaction is "Bullshit" followed up by either "That never happens in high school in real life" or "I must have went to the wrong high school to miss out on this crazy stuff"...

[Nosauz]

@0utf0xzer0

theowne is referring to this false familiarization with a certain sensation, this almost phantom limb of experience with romance/ slice of life dramas. How the feelings that they feel are things that you want, and want to call them your own, yet you can never have them. This closeness that really may be there mentally is what creates these intense feelings that when reality is compared to the surreal that we become disatisfied, for some it becomes extreme unbareable, Van Godt is an example, so lost in the surreal he merged his fantasy with his reality, So did Goya, his artwork reflected this disenlusionment in reality, the dark works of his later life. My point is that we all feel this discomfort with the surreal, but seem feel it more so than others, and especially when it comes to romance and slice of life genre these can be very very polarizing genres' because for those that like them, they have so much that is based in reality and so much that is plausible that makes them so much harder to distinguish from reality in the sense that the works do infact immatate real life. Whereas those that don't enjoy the genre generally discard them to be mere fantasy.

[Zalis]

I can totally see where you're coming from. I've had some sparse relationship success, but I still get those feelings when watching high school romance anime. The most striking example I can recall is seeing the Kei Kusanagi / Koishi Herikawa scenes in Please Teacher. Since I never had any success with girls back in high school, I feel sad at not being able to experience that kind of honest, innocent, straightforward relationship. Which may of course be "ersatz nostalgia," or a fondness for things that never were. It's not that I want to be in high school again, I just wish I'd done things differently.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got my 10-year high school reunion tomorrow...

[Somnium]

Can't say I ever have but I can understand why other's might be.Anime is so different from real life it's easy to be jealous of it.

[Theowne]

Originally Posted by 0utf0xZer0

"Never had and never will have" - Dude, you need to think positive! I get what he's trying to say though - particularly since I'm a big fan of girls with animal ears and finding those in real life is rather difficult.

Well, sort of. It's not that the poster or myself will never find love (though I am skeptical in my own case), it's the more specific brand of young love that he was talking about (I think). So when we watch these innocent high school anime love stories (Kare Kano being my best example), it makes us nostalgic for something we've never had and never can have, since we're adults now and that simpler time is gone.

Nosauz also makes a fine point which reminds me of my earlier point. We do have to remember that these love stories are idealistic because they are created from the mind of an author, and the collision of two people in real life into a relationship cannot match that. I like the term "phantom limb of experience". When we (or at least, I) watch these kind of shows, I feel like I can understand their emotions, I feel like I can relate with them, yet in reality I've never experienced them.

While I think a lot of people are connecting this to a broader "anime is better than life and you're jealous" sentiment, this probably also has quite a bit to do with general nostalgia for youth that we all have.

[Telmah]

High school is sorta a mixing pot of cultures...most everyone goes to high school--after that some go to college, some start working, others marry--everything changes. Its what you'd call an universal experience...add in the mix the emphasis on youth culture, and that's why anime is so directed at that age group.

Plus, after high school, its harder to meet people because the pool of people you interact with goes down. Add into the mix, people start getting baggage, literal and emotional. It's hard not to look back with a fondness to the carefree high school days--even if they were nothing but tedious and a torment at the time.

The one constant about relationships, I've gleaned in my 28 years, is that there are no constants--every relationship is different (akin to the different people involved in it)and if you don't treat it as an unique opportunity, then you've lost before you've begun.

There's a few general things I try to keep in mind. Yeah, there's some things...sometimes you have to make your own opportunities especially as the guy, because some girls won't do it. If you can't pay the piper about being rejected, well then you'll won't recieve the bliss of not being rejected. Often people are just as anxious to meet new people are you are, they just are unable to take the first steps to do so. You shouldn't go into a relationship with a list of qualities or traits you are looking for (you aren't ordering a pizza, you are looking for a soulmate). Finally be sincere and yourself, I'd rather someone hate me for telling them the truth, then trap myself in lies and have them adore me for it.

To me, the best way to meet new people is to simply do stuff you enjoy--you already have something in common to break the ice. Since you are here, you obviously enjoy anime, why not try to go to a local anime convention for example. Concerts are anothe great choice, etc. The worst that can happen is they turn you away and disappear from your life exactly as they would if you said nothing, the best potential outcome is you gain a friend or more eventually.

[Slice of Life]

I don't know if some of you don't have that much experience with anime or if they mean exactly what they say.

The prototypical high school "romance" is about some guy surrounded by 2-10 breathtaking beauties who kiss the toilet on which he sat no matter how lethargic and unresponsive he is. If you didn't have that during your school years I'm not surprised. If you consider that an "ideal" situation I wonder what went wrong with your socialization. Craving for something like that is also not romatic. I don't know if there is a word for it but it is to "romantic" like "greed" is to "charity".

[Theowne]

I don't know what other people are referring to but I'm talking about anime like "Kare Kano", "Touch", the very sweet innocent romance between two youths kind of thing. I'm ignoring the perhaps more common harem comedies or melodramas or etc....

[Slice of Life]

I saw you mentioning Kare Kano and I was even thinking about explicitly mentioning it as a counter example but what I remember from that anime is too vague so I didn't. Your avatar is from another counter example. But you said it by yourself, these examples are hardly common or something one would think of when anime high school romances are mentioned.