2011-04-01, 03:33 | Link #1 |
ゴリゴリ!
Graphic Designer
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Vancouver, British Columbia
Age: 32
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EMDAS 2011 - April (Opposites Attract!) Entry Thread
Welcome to the April EMDAS Writing Competition!(Rules - READ FIRST!) Theme: Opposites Attract! "The darkest nights bring the brightest days." Rick Beneteau This month's theme is "Opposites Attract"! "The story must contain two characters or things which are the total opposites of each other but are drawn to each other nevertheless - or are forced to work together." Entries! (April 1-15) For the first two weeks of the competition, all entrants may post their draft entries on this page and receive suggestions and criticism without any consequences. Nothing posted during this entry period will be taken as your final entry. Constant posting of small edits and similar drafts are frowned against, as it clutters up the pages and gets in the way of other entries.
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Last edited by Hiroi Sekai; 2011-04-03 at 15:29. |
2011-04-08, 04:29 | Link #2 |
Every word must conjure
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1st Draft (Poetry)
"Nur Hilya" 08 April Spoiler for Nur Hilya (1st Draft):
NOTE: I realize I might be breaking some EMDAS Competition rules by posting this. But I hope PM will allow me to keep the poem to stay on the entries page as I try to edit it into a form that doesn't include non-English phrases.
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2011-04-08, 04:33 | Link #3 |
ゴリゴリ!
Graphic Designer
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Vancouver, British Columbia
Age: 32
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I actually like your take on this piece of writing, nice work.
Don't worry, I won't ever take down something because of that; it's only if you enter the final draft in a fashion that breaks rules that will result in a disqualification. There shouldn't be any removals nonetheless.
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2011-04-08, 09:07 | Link #4 |
sleepyhead
Author
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: event horizon
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Concerning that rule, if the text is simply not meant to be understood (or the true meaning is not in the words themselves) like if it’s in giberish or some kind of latin-like language, would that be considered breaking the rules. And I don’t mean the entire entry would be in that language, but rather small bits here and there like a magic chant, moto or simply the name of something.
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2011-04-08, 11:30 | Link #5 |
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People seem to love my theme, huh?
I was quite busy with work and this weird thing called social life, but I finally had an idea I like, so I guess I will contribute this month again! @shelter, I really liked that! I have to admit the foreign language threw me off here and there, but it also highlights the lack of understanding between the two. For a moment I thought it was a Phillipine language, but it's actual Malay isn't it? Is the "buoy" Malay as well? (However, I did understand it's about a Christian and a Muslim before I looked up what the lines mean ;D) I also really like that it ends with them resuming their joined meal, really neat. |
2011-04-08, 12:00 | Link #6 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Singapore
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@shelter
Really good entry there. I don't think that the Malay words mar understanding, but then again you can probably mirror the phrasing again in English. I have my suspicions that there's something more deeply personal behind the work, but my guesses are rubbish so I could be wrong. |
2011-04-08, 20:55 | Link #7 |
Every word must conjure
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Thanks for the comments. I'm glad that I've not been universally questioned for using a 'different' language.
@zebra: Yes it is actual Malay up to the point that I can phrase it. Some of it is colloquial. And no, the "buoy" is a typo Thanks for pointing that out. Looking forward to reading your entry too. @lordshadowisle: To me, all poetry is personal. Makes it easier and more enjoyable to write
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2011-04-11, 21:16 | Link #8 |
sleepyhead
Author
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: event horizon
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The word limit is such a damn pain. No miracles this time. I had to write chapter, then skipped forward and somehow made a chapter that barely stands on it’s own, grr. And no, I did not rename the story (again) this is another one. And if you think I droped Emperor of One this round, you’re wrong, this thing here is a prequel! HA! And I really considered writing a chapter in Emperor of One, but I kind of dug my grave (as far as theme requirement goes) with how I ended it last time—basically no feasible way to skip forward to something that fits, yey me.
Like I said, this is Ch.2 of Act I, you can read Ch.1 (Oasis) at the archives. 1498 words (according to http://www.wordcounttool.com/) @Mario: I’ll only update this post so if I forget to write Final Entry by the end of the contest, just consider whatever is here the final version. Knightmare Act I - Penumbra Night of the Execution The evening of the execution came to pass, and night came. Warwind left the guards to search for Lilet and went to retire for the day, or so the tribunal thought. That night, accompanied by his men, he went outside town and in the forest met with Lilet. He explained how the guards will figure out she had escaped the town and will broaden their search soon. He threw to her his father’s lantern. Warwind then told her how she can use it to pierce the fog of the Sealed Forest and venture into a place known as the Castle of the Silver Moon, where nobody would be able to chase her. He would escort her there to make sure there is nothing with any thread. And so, lacking choice in the matter, Lilet followed with Warwind’s suggestion. The road towards the castle was rough track though the forest with only the red and white light of the lantern to guide the way. Aside from the trees, grass and the smell of the bog, no living thing stood in front of them. It felt like they had walked for half a day, but when they reached the castle and exited the fog it was still night. The castle was covered in thorns. Warwind’s party took a short break, then told Lilet they need to grasp the element of surprise, now. She paused, and then just gave a nod in agreement, and so they ventured in. It was not long and they came to a room with a sword implanted in a painting on the wall. At first glance the painting showed a giant dog, beasts of fire, darkness falling from the sky, a sea monster with nine heads, the ground dying, and seas boiling. Warwind approaches the sword and attempted to pull it out of the wall. He tried several times but the sword did not budge. He calls several of his men to pull together, to no avail. “Lilet, come here and try to pull it out.” said WarwindAnd so she approaches the sword and grabs it. “I feel energy coming from the grip.” she saysAnd so she pulls on the sword, with all her might. The sword doesn’t budge but the walls shake. “Try again Lilet.” says WarwindAnd she does. She pulls and she pulls, and the castle shakes. And eventually as she pulls spikes impale her hand from the grip. She wants to let go but the sword compels her to pull harder and the castle shakes more violently. Then the sword edge cracks and the long shaft which was the swords grip breaks off and Lilet rolls on the floor still hanging onto the grip, or rather the grip still holding to her hand. She tries to get up, but her feet won’t hold her, and she sways around until she hits the window on the opposite wall. Her hand is now covered in blood. Warwind and one of his men heads to the blades remains, their faces perplexed. “Lord Warwind.” said LiletWarwind pushes him back and yells. “Enough.”Lilet smiled, stood up and said “Yes, I shall protect the foolish as well.” and charged towards Warwind with the grip of the weapon still in hand. Warwind aimed for her legs but Lilet blocked by forcing the grip into the floor and countered with a kick to his abdomen, knocking him back and on his knees. She then leaned on the shaft forward to loosen it from the floor and with her right hand grabbed the bottom of it, and swung it from the back, over her head, forward; just like an axe. But the shaft did not connect with Warwind’s head. One of his soldiers parried the blow with his spear, while another lanced her heart from behind. As the soldier jerked the spear out, Lilet fell to her knees while leaning on the shaft. As her life fled from her lungs, magic runes and smoke appeared on the shaft, and more blood continued to drip from her hand. Everyone took several steps back, weapons ready to strike. Lilet could not see the markings, as her vision had faded to darkness long before her knee touched the ground. She looked up but saw only darkness, she looked down and then a scream chilling as the winter wind yelled “DON’T look down!” As she lifted her head a giant phantom had appeared before her at no more then an arms length. “W-Who…W-What are thow?” asked LiletLilet, paused for a moment and considered his words. Then asked that she will agree to his task if she would keep her freedom of choice and if the task was only to be accomplished following the code of knighthood and justice. Much to her surprise the demon agreed to her terms. The blood that had dripped onto the sword was suddenly absorbed into the shaft sealing the pact, her skin turned white as snow, her hair turned black as night, her wounds threw smoke and closed. And as she lifted from the ground and opened her eyes her iris and pupil turned white, and a black disk surrounded them. As she took hold of the sword with her left hand and raised it up and pointed it to her right, facing back, a white blade appeared. Mephisto then whispered to Lilet: “The blade is your very soul. It shall never dull and never break.”
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2011-04-11, 22:46 | Link #9 |
Dictadere~!
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: On the front lines, fighting for inderpendence.
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Though I see the title is "Opposites (plural) Attract," do both individuals in question necessarily need to share the same "attraction?" I plan for my story to be one-sided in attraction, though nevertheless due to opposites.
Is this allowed?
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2011-04-11, 23:15 | Link #10 | |
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PM has the final word of course, though. |
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2011-04-12, 05:39 | Link #13 | |
sleepyhead
Author
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: event horizon
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Other then that seems fine. Can I get a translation on the various lines though? ie. “Nur Hilya“ “Apa macham melayu punye?” “Kau bersembahyang apa?” “aku Nasrani ah”
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2011-04-12, 12:12 | Link #14 | |
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@felix, might be my favorite in your series as of yet. Was a good read. I personally didn't like the use of the word grip, but I'm not a native speaker, so many things seem weird to me XD The action scenes could be at a faster pace, but that's about all I can nitpick about. Well that and that I'm not entirely sure what happened there just now, but I kinda like that. Like. (Is it conincidence it reminded me oft that headache-producing riddle of yours? <_<) |
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2011-04-13, 04:06 | Link #16 |
ゴリゴリ!
Graphic Designer
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Vancouver, British Columbia
Age: 32
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Justice
"Does the defense have any final words before I pass judgement?" Staring down at a pair of sweaty palms, the man clutched them into fists and brought them down upon the desk in a fit of anger. He had arrived at the greatest decision of his life. One path would take him to victory at the cost of selling his soul to the devil, while the other would follow the righteous path towards failure. No time. The judge's gavel was already in the air, ready to come down and change lives forever. "Please wait, Your Honour!" The judge gave him a stern look. "Do you have something to add?" "That's right, I have definitive evidence that Ms. Valerie is the killer." A collection of gasps and mutters came from the crowd; all of which was completely ignored by the dedicated attorney. The only thing that mattered to him at the moment was the person he had to save, and the sin he would commit to do so. Reaching into the pile of evidence, the attorney pulled out a single bullet resting within a clear bag. Catching a glimpse of the bronzed bullet encased in blood, the young woman sitting in the witness' bench cowered in fear. "N-no...please...you can't do this..." From across the room, one man pounded his right fist into his desk. "Damn it, is the path you're going to take?!" "There are no options left." The prosecutor hesitated - even he knew the great sin that would be committed within the sanctuary of law. "Your Honour! I present to the court; the bullet that took the life of the victim. The ballistic markings on it definitely imply that it was fired from the murder weapon." Once again, the prosecutor was silent; the judge however, was different. "And the blood on the bullet?" "Tests show that it's the victim's blood." Passing a forced and pained stare at the witness, he pushed on. "And let's not forget who's fingerprints were on that gun." "But we already established that Ms. Valerie gripped the gun before the murder occurred. We would have found the victim's fingerprints on the handle as well if your argument was true." The prosecutor was in worse shape, but for the sake of another, he would give up everything he had. "Your Honour, the prosecution would like to summarize exactly what had happened during the murder." "Go on, then." With Ms. Valerie almost in tears, the prosecutor began to speak. "On the 5th of June at 12:45 A.M., Ms. Valerie was preparing to return home from the office. About 2 minutes from then, the victim entered the office with a fully loaded 9mm pistol in his hand. The victim then pulled off a shot on the witness, who managed to avoid death after a shot to the stomach. Coughing her own blood onto the crime scene, Ms. Valerie fought back. Isn't that correct?" The defense attorney could feel the prosecutor's chilling gaze. "That's right. It was determined earlier that the defendant was in the same office, several feet away from the struggle." "The overturned desk that the defendant hid behind and the lack of fingerprints near the scene proved that he wasn't near the fight, didn't it?" "That's absolutely correct, Your Honour. However, the prosecution also clearly stated that my client was guilty because he was attempting to frame the witness for the crime." The judge frowned. "And this new evidence of yours will prove otherwise?" ...And that's when time froze. All eyes were fixated on Ms. Valerie, who had become pale and was now gasping for breath. "Your Honour! The witness is clearly in a shocked state; the prosecution requests a 10 minute recess!" Under regular circumstances, it would have been denied. However, this witness was a special case. In the waiting room, the defense attorney's phone rang. "Hello?! Is this M? You...haven't hurt her, have you?" "Absolutely not. As long as you keep your word, I shall keep mine as well. Now, I believe you have an acquittal to win, don't you?" and the phone beeped off. Sporting the laugh of the devil, the defendant appeared to be on top of the world. "Seems like you have no choice, Mr. Lawyer. M doesn't appreciate failure, you see. Should I end up losing this case, your pretty little daughter will never see another sunrise again." "T-this bastard...I swear to God that I'll kill him." But he couldn't...he just couldn't. The only ones who could help him now were God himself, and that prosecutor. "Good luck, Mr. Lawyer. It looks like they're calling us back into the courtroom." And with that, they returned. The judge glanced at the witness, who appeared to be looking slightly better. "Ms. Valerie, if you were to testify, you might be able to save yourself before it's too late." With a fearfully shaky voice, she replied: "I...I plead the fifth." There was no choice but to move forward. Pleading the fifth would only mean that Ms. Valerie would refuse testimony that could end up incriminating herself. "Allow me, then. There were three bullets fired that night; one that hit the metal safe in Ms. Valerie's vicinity, and yet another that passed through the victim's heart..." "...W-wait! The other bullet was covered in the victim's blood too, wasn't it? Since that first bullet wasn't fired from the same gun, you can't prove it was me!" "Ms. Valerie, you don't seem to understand. The bullet that you speak of was in a damaged state; slightly caved in from the impact against the safe. This bullet however..." "...is perfectly stable, correct?" The prosecutor grimly laid the facts out. Both sides of the courtroom were at a standstill. It appeared as if the evidence was enough for the judge. "I would like to hear the defense's final opinions on the matter, and if Ms. Valerie refuses to testify, then I shall pass down my verdict." No time left...an innocent person would be sentenced to death, and in exchange, the life of a younger person would be spared. How could this be considered a fair trade? Is this truly how it would end? There had to be a way out, anything... "STOP! Wait one moment, Your Honour!" The bailiff burst in through the door in a frantic state. "Bailiff, we are in the middle of a trial." "I apologize, Your Honour, but I received a call from Detective Ren. In a desperate attempt to escape the assault on the kidnapper's hideaway, a little girl was found - abandoned." Words of pure bliss or of a crushing defeat...he had to make sure. "Bailiff, is she alive?" He smiled. "Aside from a few rope burns from her bindings, she's fine." The prosecutor and the defense attorney let out enormous sighs of relief. However, their joyous moment would have to wait. Their heads turned towards the defendant, who was now shivering in fear. "Your Honour, the defense has a confession to make. The defendant's fingerprints were found on both bullets." The judge was shocked. "You withheld this vital information from the court? You shall be held in contempt of court for this." The prosecutor slammed his hand onto the desk. "Your Honour, the defense is not at fault; the girl that had been kidnapped was his one and only daughter." The defense attorney felt his heart pound. Staring in compassion of his opponent and saviour, he had learned the true face of a prosecutor. The judge seemed to fully understand the situation as well. "Very well, but in a court of law, this act is still unforgivable. Rest assured that the prosecution will also be punished for this. As for the defendant..." "W-wait!" he pleaded, desperately looking at the defense attorney's eyes. "Y-You're my attorney! It's your job to get me off the hook! You can't do this!" "Don't you dare tell me how to do my job, you...inexcusable criminal. My job is to determine the truth; if you are truly innocent, the courtroom will reward you your freedom." The judge nodded. "On charges of first-degree murder, fraud and tampering with evidence, this court finds the defendant guilty. Court is dismissed." And with that, a screaming defendant was dragged out of the courtroom. In the waiting room, final words were to be exchanged. Standing side by side, the prosecutor and defense attorney faced Ms. Valerie. "Ms. Valerie...words cannot express how sorry we for what we put you through. Your innocence was clear...but we used you." A single tear ran down her cheek, and she hugged the two men. "Mr. Attorney, I know exactly what happened. I'm glad your daughter is safe. Thank you." Once she uttered those words, she left the building. "Mr. Valerie, thank you for your help." "...Do you still hate prosecutors?" "No. Not anymore." Staring off into the distance where the 12 year old witness had run to, Prosecutor Valerie proudly watched his daughter lovingly staring at the courtyard flowers.
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Last edited by Hiroi Sekai; 2011-05-07 at 13:05. |
2011-04-13, 07:23 | Link #17 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
sleepyhead
Author
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: event horizon
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@papermario
Yey someone else writing detective/law stories. ^.^ Yikes, again with your random spaces between lines. Quote:
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Also, again I’m not certain who exactly is talking, the defense or the prosecutor (or the judge?). I can take a guess, but a more direct hint either in the way he speaks (ie. “The defense would like to…”) or just a simple “said the defense attorney”. Quote:
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Also regarding this “Isn’t that correct?”. I feel the prosecution is stepping the line and verbally assaulting the defense. If the prosecution wishes to summarize then I would expect nothing to happen until the prosecution had finished. At most I would expect the judge to interrupt or the defense to object on any invalid points in the summary. Quote:
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2011-04-14, 06:50 | Link #19 |
sleepyhead
Author
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: event horizon
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Final Entry ⇒ http://forums.animesuki.com/showpost...53&postcount=8
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2011-04-14, 12:20 | Link #20 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Singapore
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Wooohooo made it on the final day! Actually I started writing on the final day itself. Goes to show that procrastination has its benefits
Spoiler for Monologue:
FINAL ENTRY Last edited by lordshadowisle; 2011-04-15 at 01:29. Reason: Added note to indicate final entry |
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2011, april, competition, emdas, writing |
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