2009-01-20, 16:08 | Link #11982 | |
Nuclear Fusion
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Sky of stone, floor of flame.
Age: 37
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It is therefore among the most convoluted things humanity has to offer.
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2009-01-20, 20:22 | Link #11983 |
Vividly Vivio
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PornStar!Vivio 7
Added a lot, changed a lot, now beta'd (Thanks DezoPenguin) and proofread. almost 10,000 word chapter this time . Enjoy~
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2009-01-20, 20:44 | Link #11984 | |
Soldier of Nod
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2009-01-21, 03:59 | Link #11987 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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Next point, make up your mind as to whether you want to use scene breaks or not. I see "~**~" in some places. Elsewhere, it might take me a sentence or two to realise that the you've shifted to a new scene. It's fine if you don't want to use scene breaks, a good idea even. But you have to make it clear to the readers that the paragraph is for a new scene, right from the very first sentence. Remarks as I go through the fic: Quote:
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This scene doesn't look like it's changed much from the original draft. It's a pity because it makes Vivio look like she hasn't yet truely understood what Space tried to tell her previously. The average person doesn't draw a distinction between sex-as-a-job and cheating on a relationship. Quote:
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Do you remember someone once mentioned you could add a "love me because of who I am" angle? You seemed quite receptive to that idea, I hope you can integrate it after all. Quote:
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Spoiler for in case you DON'T want to know how these clubs work:
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Once again, thanks for an enjoyable read. Last edited by Jimmy C; 2009-01-21 at 14:13. Reason: Added a few comments |
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2009-01-21, 07:35 | Link #11990 | |
umbrella moe~♥
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: huh wha-?
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Good (crack)job, Eva *pats back*
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2009-01-21, 18:05 | Link #11992 | ||||
Beta by Accident
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Maine
Age: 52
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I missed that one. *wince* I didn't miss that one; it's on my hardcopy. So I epically failed at proofreading my own notes. If anyone needs me, I'll be banging my head on a wall over here... Quote:
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So here's the question...how common a Midchildan name is Vivio? Because there's a big difference between a reaction of "Valencia? Wow, my friend Hayate's runaway niece is the only other person I know who was named after an orange. I wonder if..." and "Oh, her name's Jane? I'd better remember that since it sounds like Syn's serious about her." Though it is kind of surprising that Syn wouldn't mention Vivio's eyes simply because Syn's eyes are heterochromatic, too, and that would be the kind of thing that's noticable and mentionable...Or maybe that's why she didn't mention it, because she's sick of people commenting about her own eyes so she tends to avoid the subject? |
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2009-01-21, 18:30 | Link #11993 | |
Master of the Shiny Crack
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Syn: Hey mom I'm dating this girl with heterochromia! Mom: that's lovely honey. It's just not the kind of thing that comes up in conversation. Actually mentioning your girlfriend's eyes to your mother could end up like this... Syn: Hey mom I'm dating this girl you should see her eyes- Mom: You really shouldn't date some one because of the size of their breasts Besides since Syn has heterochromia she'd be less likely to find Vivio's eyes odd and therefore would probably forget about it. |
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2009-01-21, 18:44 | Link #11994 |
Vividly Vivio
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Vivio does her work with her camera, as she does a few times in the story. A stationary view. She can ask her friends to record her, but generally if she did then she might as well doa scene with them, which makes the "cameraman" pointless.
And the way it works in studio is "If you use company equipment, you pay for it" kind of like how a model or starting porn star may actually pay people to photograph them or add their stuff in a magazine. AKA, you're getting a cameraman to work, therefore that person needs to be paid for their work. Vivio was supplied with a laptop with webcam, as well as a real camera and stand loaned to her by the company. She runs her own webpage and since she's with the company, tehy take part of her subscriber money. Cheap or not, that's how buisnesses work. You pay people to work for you. Vivio works for teh company and the company advertises her, puts her in movies, and gets her in magazines. In return, they give Vivio things needed to run her webpage and allow her to keep a percentage of them along with her standard payment for scenes. It's the standard "You work for me. I get part of your money. You hire people to work for you, and you get part of their money. I also get part of their money. People under them pay people to work for them, then they get moeny, you get moeny, and I get money" As for teh eyes, I assumed Syn got enough comments about her eyes, so she didn't mention it becasue to someone WITH heterochromia, is less likely to notice it.
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2009-01-21, 21:44 | Link #11995 |
Soldier of Nod
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Well it's like I said in my review (to an extent), no job whether it looks easy or not is hard work no matter how ya slice it. Pornography is no different. It's something most people out of that business do not understand. Just ask anyone whose in it and they WILL tell you that it is a very hard job to do.
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2009-01-21, 22:52 | Link #11996 | ||
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
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You're welcome. Just remember to fix the problems before you go on to the next chapter, ok?
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2009-01-22, 00:40 | Link #11997 |
Black Dragon
Graphic Designer
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: In the Netherrealm, thinking who to betray next...
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Chapter 3
Spoiler for Opening Theme: Eternal Darkness:
Spoiler for Chapter 3: Something has come:
Spoiler for Ending theme: Once Upon a December:
Spoiler for The Bag:
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Last edited by Evil Rick; 2009-01-24 at 12:42. Reason: Text, scroll and event fixed of typos :) |
2009-01-22, 03:26 | Link #11999 | |||||||||
Cute things, sharp teeth.
Join Date: Jul 2008
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I also avoid putting adverbs at the end of the sentence where the verb it modifies isn't the last word. But that's just something that's been hammered into by my law prof; I merely assumed it was another 'rule' or 'guideline'. I *assume* we're walking along here, since that's what 'from the very [entrance] to the y' tends to imply i.e. that our attention is being drawn along from the entrance (the start) to the desk (the end). Yes I am aware that the sentence structure could also simply refer to a list of things, not necessarily in any particular order, but I think in this instance, it is more effective for giving us the setting of this scene to indicate some kind of direction or movement. Quote:
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...and I think I've used up my proofreading quota for the night Didn't see anything else, but I started reading the story instead of the sentences. |
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authorshipping, befriending, fanfiction, interactive fanfiction, nanoha |
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