Dating

[Ascaloth]

Originally Posted by stubby42

Slight update time.

Most of you probably wont remember (it was a good while ago, about a month around page 94 and 95) but I took a random trip to durham to go see a friend, we ended up hanging out with all of his mates and the long and short of it was that I met a girl who ranked ultra high on the what stubby finds attractive list.

Well I after I got home I asked her out (p.s thanks guys for the help with that), she said no but said we could be friends, which wasnt want I was going for but I'm happy because I actually did something for once.


update time

So I traveled back to durham this weekend for a weekend of awesomeness, not really expecting anything. I hadnt talked to the girl since the asking out, so I was fair certain she'd either disapear for the weekend or it would be akward.

But true to her word she hung out all weekend, hell the only person I saw more of than her was the friend I was staying with (she even hung out when it was just me and my mate) and it wasnt akward (well ok there were a few akward moments, but that was when we were alone together but theres only so much you can talk about when your bored out of your mind watching friends compete in a pool tournemant).

she made it very clear that all we are is friends (she wasnt touchy, if we were in a large group she didnt sit next to me) and I'd should be happy with that but the truth is I'm not.

Maybe I've had time to build her up as a dream girl but if thats true but arent you supposed to be disapointed when you see reality? because she keeps getting even better, how many girls do you know who want/are training to be a marine arechologist? (if she achieves her goal she will explore ship wrecks for a living).

I dont really know why I'm writing this (probably because I have the flu), I know I cant make her feel the same way about me as I do about her but I guess what I'm saying is I'm having trouble getting past that and just be friends.

truth is, I shouldnt really be thinking about this because of the distance, after this year the odds of seeing her again are low. I live about 4 hours away during term time then when school is finished its even further. Its her final year of university so everyones course load is getting heavier and heavier so my trips up will have to get less frequent (till the point that they end) but I dont want to loose her as a friend seeing as we've really only just reached that point.



yeah so um I'm probably going to sleep cause I called in sick from work.

*pats*

Good one, man. Sorry it didn't work out, but well that's life for you, and at least you tried. I haven't got much left to tell you, except maybe time and distance will help you get over her eventually.

[Narona]

Originally Posted by Cipher

Disagreed. A man ( or woman ) determines her/himself not his/her company. For example, a person living in a dangerous place does not mean a dangerous person. Although there are "tendencies", nonetheless, in the end, it is the individual that decides.

What ???

I didn't mean "company" like, for example, "the company called Microsoft"

Furthermore, to be alone is to not have the opportunity of mental discipline and experience. Thus, IMO, its better to be in any company than alone----we are, yes, social-needing beings. And just like food, we need company---doesn't matter about the taste, as long as its edible.

Istrongly disagree with such statement. You're implying that it is better in the worst case to be with people who hurt you physically and/or mentally, than being alone.

Originally Posted by whitepearl

Sound advice that I have been following unknowingly for a long time...

To be 100% sure to not be misunderstood, I was mainly talking about Friends.

- You don't need a billion of friends. What's better: 1 person on which you can count on, and that you can trust, or 10 persons that will throw you away like an old rag because, for example you dared saying that you like/watch Animes? I still try to figure how people can call those jerks (the latter) Friends. And the ones that will also throw you away to keep a certain "reputation" in the eyes of the jerks are not less jerk.

- You don't need to be in a rush to make friends, especially if it means to lie/hide things (of course, I talk about harmless things like "being an animes fan") about you, or to do things that you dislike just to be seen as worthy by a bunch of useless intolerants.

[Cipher]

Originally Posted by Narona

I strongly disagree with such statement. You're implying that it is better in the worst case to be with people who hurt you physically and/or mentally, than being alone.

Either way, being alone will also wound you physically and/or mentally. It turns you mentally unstable and it deprives you of outside help when physically ill. What only makes this "lone" situation better is its time length.

I don't really consider people who would intentionally hurt you as "company". More-like, harassers. And I can' really think of anyone joining such. (except perhaps masochist.)

I thought it was out of context but if its this type of "bad", then perhaps your right. But if its just drug-addicted or drunkard friends, then the controls to whether participate or not is in your hands.

[Mystique]

Originally Posted by Narona

To be 100% sure to not be misunderstood, I was mainly talking about Friends.

- You don't need a billion of friends. What's better: 1 person on which you can count on, and that you can trust, or 10 persons that will throw you away like an old rag because, for example you dared saying that you like/watch Animes? I still try to figure how people can call those jerks (the latter) Friends. And the ones that will also throw you away to keep a certain "reputation" in the eyes of the jerks are not less jerk.

- You don't need to be in a rush to make friends, especially if it means to lie/hide things (of course, I talk about harmless things like "being an animes fan") about you, or to do things that you dislike just to be seen as worthy by a bunch of useless intolerants.

Nonetheless, it applies very very aptly to relationships.
"It's better to be alone than in bad company"

If you cannot live life with just yourself and be content with who you are, rather than wanting to seek someone outta sheer lonliness, despair or boredom, then a person is likely to attract the wrong kinda partners.

If there's one thing I'm liking about this thread lately, is that peeps are seeing that the 'finding a partner' isn't so easy as one may think nor is it so 'impossible' either.
It takes hard work to not only approach or take steps to get to the couple stage, but then to learn to live with each other (or get along since most here are still students), takes even more time and energy.

Thus it begins with you.
Being comfortable with who you are as a sole person means most of the work is done.
If you don't like yourself or focus on your advantages and highlight those, then how are other humans meant to see the good in ya then?
If there are skills you feel you lack on, brush up on them, gain confidence and enjoy life in the meantime.

Relationships are meant to 'enhance and enrich' not 'replace' certain aspects of your life that you may feel is missing.

[Tsuyoshi]

Originally Posted by Cipher

Either way, being alone will also wound you physically and/or mentally. It turns you mentally unstable and it deprives you of outside help when physically ill. What only makes this "lone" situation better is its time length.

And being with an abusive company doesn't do that? Being in that sort of company can be physically damaging and can also be traumatizing, making you distrust people in general. Also, being with the wrong kind of people can influence you and you can become like them: abusive, selfish, not caring about other's feelings. Being with bad people can also make you a bad person. The common term would be peer pressure.

[Cipher]

Originally Posted by Yoko Takeo

Being with bad people can also make you a bad person. The common term would be peer pressure.

That factor lies entirely on the individual. Even with peer pressure, the end decision is created depending on the nature of the individual. You can be good among bad people, they may influence you but you will also act as influence. But in the end, its up to the individuals.

[stubby42]

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

*pats*

Good one, man. Sorry it didn't work out, but well that's life for you, and at least you tried. I haven't got much left to tell you, except maybe time and distance will help you get over her eventually.

Thanks man and I know time and distance will eventually do the job but I dont know I guess part of me doesnt want to get over her.

I'm in a really strange point in my life where I have to make a lot of big descisions about my future but I'm also stuck in a rut.

I'm graduating from university tommorow (but I finished in august) and I've been working very hard in two crappy jobs for little pay, I'm in debt (a little to the bank, more to the parents) and I dont really know anyone outside of work, I was always in a small group to begin with but I'm the only one who graduated this year.

She was pretty much the only good thing going on in my life right now.

I guess thats why I'm finding this so tough.

[Samari]

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

*pats*

Good one, man. Sorry it didn't work out, but well that's life for you, and at least you tried. I haven't got much left to tell you, except maybe time and distance will help you get over her eventually.

True. Plenty of fish in the sea. And that is probably the most accurate common phrase I've ever heard in my life.

[deathreape98]

Originally Posted by Samari

Plenty of fish in the sea.

Until pollution kills them all.



Anybody here mind telling me why people feel that dating as teenagers is necessary? No matter which angle I look at it from, save one, I can only see it as pointless. Anybody want to share their thoughts?

[Dextro]

Originally Posted by deathreape98

Anybody here mind telling me why people feel that dating as teenagers is necessary? No matter which angle I look at it from, save one, I can only see it as pointless. Anybody want to share their thoughts?

I for one think it helps one grow as a person. You experience first hand that life isn't all sunshine and fairy-tales and you gain valuable experience for your future interactions with members of the opposite sex. Of course that's just my opinion and everyone is different so take it as you wish.

[deathreape98]

Originally Posted by Dextro

I for one think it helps one grow as a person. You experience first hand that life isn't all sunshine and fairy-tales and you gain valuable experience for your future interactions with members of the opposite sex. Of course that's just my opinion and everyone is different so take it as you wish.

I can understand that. My sole experience in such dating made me realize how worthless such things are, after all.

[Mistypearl]

(if she achieves her goal she will explore ship wrecks for a living.

Off topicness- OMG. I want that job! That sounds really awesome.

Anyway....
Yeah. I was wondering if there was anyone else here who went to an all girls school (or single sex school whatever) and how they dealt with dating and stuff like that. I mean I wasn't exactly the most graceful social butterfly...at all. When I went to public school in middle school, and I love going to an all girls school, but sometimes I'm afraid that once I go off to college I'll have no idea what to do, you know? I haven't talked to a guy other than my Dad in uhhh years. It also doesn't help that it's a boarding school and not day. eeek.

Any advice, really at all? Thanks. Sorry I know I'm like dropping in out of nowhere!

[cheyannew]

Originally Posted by deathreape98

Anybody here mind telling me why people feel that dating as teenagers is necessary? No matter which angle I look at it from, save one, I can only see it as pointless. Anybody want to share their thoughts?

Test drive before you buy

And by test drive, I dont' mean sex, either. How on earth are you going to get experience dealing with someone in a relationship-type, well, relationship if you don't HAVE one?

Dating through high school etc taught me what to and not to look for in a partner....

[DragoZERO]

Originally Posted by deathreape98

Anybody here mind telling me why people feel that dating as teenagers is necessary? No matter which angle I look at it from, save one, I can only see it as pointless. Anybody want to share their thoughts?

It depends really. Experience is important, and I don't mean sex.

You learn to pick a proper spouse by dating multiple people. There are cases where a person is lucky to find that special someone quickly and live happily ever after, but that isn't the case for the rest of us.

There are some people who always have a girlfriend/boyfriend, always. Those people become dependent upon the person and tend to not grow as an individual as others who were single for some time. I can think of a few kids, five years after graduating mind you, who always had someone, always. And once they broke up and didn't have anyone, they had it rough.

There are then some people who never have a girlfriend/boyfriend, or at least not a steady one. These people may grow as an individual but do not learn the necessary skills in dealing with the opposite sex. Then when they enter college they find themselves in awkward situations that their peers may be able to handle with ease.

I found this out from experience, I have never had a girlfriend in my 23 years, there have been girls, but never a steady girlfriend. This is now coming back to haunt me to a degree, but one reason I never had a girlfriend is because I'm too damn picky (whether its an excuse or not get a girlfriend, well.. I'll ask a shrink one day, lol).

Unfortunately in this day and age sex is a big factor. And sex may not necessarily mean insert and thrust, but simple kissing too. Some people put high value on such skills and its unfortunate in many ways. I am still a virgin and would like to have a virgin girlfriend to experience everything together, for the first time (plus I hate the thought of another guy touching her).

In conclusion (what is this, a school essay, lol), there are both pros and cons. I think its best to have had one steady relationship by the end of high school. Dating too young isn't always good and there are many reasons for that (relationship hinder schoolwork and other important activities/stupid kids get pregnant).

So, if you have read all of that, I congratulate you. I never intended to write so much but it just came out.

[Ascaloth]

Originally Posted by Mistypearl

Off topicness- OMG. I want that job! That sounds really awesome.

Anyway....
Yeah. I was wondering if there was anyone else here who went to an all girls school (or single sex school whatever) and how they dealt with dating and stuff like that. I mean I wasn't exactly the most graceful social butterfly...at all. When I went to public school in middle school, and I love going to an all girls school, but sometimes I'm afraid that once I go off to college I'll have no idea what to do, you know? I haven't talked to a guy other than my Dad in uhhh years. It also doesn't help that it's a boarding school and not day. eeek.

Any advice, really at all? Thanks. Sorry I know I'm like dropping in out of nowhere!

Off-topic, but....always remember to sit with your legs closed around guys?

(No kidding. I've heard stuff about the behaviour of girls from single-sex schools when they enter a co-ed environment in junior college. )

[Crusader]

Originally Posted by deathreape98

Anybody here mind telling me why people feel that dating as teenagers is necessary? No matter which angle I look at it from, save one, I can only see it as pointless. Anybody want to share their thoughts?

Not a Teen anymore, but i thought was the only one who thought like that.
However people have varying reasons, some think that they just have to have someone, because someone else has someone, Some do it purely for sex, or rather to have fun. There are a few hopeless romantics like me, who are searching for that one person... Nowadays, the line seems to blurr, and people just get comfortable with whatever they get or remain unhappy.

From what i have seen, a lot of high school sweethearts don't last forever, or rather last as long as they think they will, never really realizing that they are in a closed enviroment, where they think they understand everything, but when they step into the adult world, things change as does their perception and tastes. Love does not last forever, or rather young love has a minor chance once exposed to adult independant life.

[Mistypearl]

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

Off-topic, but....always remember to sit with your legs closed around guys?

(No kidding. I've heard stuff about the behaviour of girls from single-sex schools when they enter a co-ed environment in junior college. )

Yeah. It really can go both ways like "I'm so rusty at this I don't even remember what the hell to do" and "OMG A GUY *flails self*"

Both are really sad, I really hope that I fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum at least.
Thanks I'll keep that in mind haha.

[Samari]

Originally Posted by deathreape98

Until pollution kills them all.

Nope, there would still be plenty of fish. We've explored like 5% of the worlds oceans.

[Narona]

Originally Posted by Cipher

Either way, being alone will also wound you physically and/or mentally. It turns you mentally unstable and it deprives you of outside help when physically ill. What only makes this "lone" situation better is its time length.

When you're alone, all that happens is what you do to yourself. No one other than you can be blamed for that, and no one else take away your freedom. When you're with other people, they can get away your freedom (read: hurt you) without your authorization.

I don't really consider people who would intentionally hurt you as "company". More-like, harassers. And I can' really think of anyone joining such. (except perhaps masochist.)

Why do you take things to the extreme without looking between the lines? Look around you (well at least in the european countries or america). For example, there are people who live/hang out with people who, at the certain point of the relationship, abuse them (and it doesn't seem to be that rare). The problem is that there's no *Tag* that says "you can't rely on this person" or "s/he's a dangerous person". It happens that people hastly befriend other persons that will look very nice at first, and who will in fact stab them in the back later. You know, for example, that's how a lot of rapes happen. That's why, imo, people should choose their friends carefully. If you really need friends, then before opening your heart and your home to a person, take the time to try to learn things about them.

I thought it was out of context but if its this type of "bad", then perhaps your right. But if its just drug-addicted or drunkard friends, then the controls to whether participate or not is in your hands.

That's the whole point of what I said. You can choose to participate or not. You can choose to befriend people or not. So, as i see it, for example, it's better to choose to stay with no friends if the ones around you are people like the ones Timdog knows (Timdog, no offense but from "what you said about them", I would refuse to befriend those people). Hence why I think it's better to choose to stay alone than choosing to befriend bad people (given your own definition of what is bad, of course) if there are only bad people around you. And if you spot that you're being fooled, then have some balls (why I, a girl, am the one who has to say that, damn it) and kick them out even if it means to lose all those jerks friends, instead of bending over to them.

That factor lies entirely on the individual. Even with peer pressure, the end decision is created depending on the nature of the individual. You can be good among bad people, they may influence you but you will also act as influence. But in the end, its up to the individuals.

In my case, I am not as nice as you. I don't plan to waste my time to try to influence people that I consider bad to befriend.

Originally Posted by Mystique

Nonetheless, it applies very very aptly to relationships.
"It's better to be alone than in bad company"

If you cannot live life with just yourself and be content with who you are, rather than wanting to seek someone outta sheer lonliness, despair or boredom, then a person is likely to attract the wrong kinda partners.

If there's one thing I'm liking about this thread lately, is that peeps are seeing that the 'finding a partner' isn't so easy as one may think nor is it so 'impossible' either.
It takes hard work to not only approach or take steps to get to the couple stage, but then to learn to live with each other (or get along since most here are still students), takes even more time and energy.

Thus it begins with you.
Being comfortable with who you are as a sole person means most of the work is done.
If you don't like yourself or focus on your advantages and highlight those, then how are other humans meant to see the good in ya then?
If there are skills you feel you lack on, brush up on them, gain confidence and enjoy life in the meantime.

Relationships are meant to 'enhance and enrich' not 'replace' certain aspects of your life that you may feel is missing.

About people who feel the need to rely all the time on others (in the case that I was talking about, to have friends), it's like wearing chains. They limit their own freedom. And given how some people can be evil, some of them will abuse them based on that.

Whatever the relationship, friends or lovers, they have to respect other people, and have to be respected in return. If there's no respect, or if it's only one sided, I don't see how it can work out.

Originally Posted by deathreape98

Anybody here mind telling me why people feel that dating as teenagers is necessary? No matter which angle I look at it from, save one, I can only see it as pointless. Anybody want to share their thoughts?

Depending on the individual, I personally don't think it's "necessary" as if you absolutely have to do it to become a good wife/husband/mother/father in your later life. Of course, it depends on the person you will meet. If you meet a girl who expect you to be very experienced in kissing, sex etc... sure it might be a problem (even if I believe that in some cases of true love, the two persons involved will not care much about that). Same, I think, for people who have no good references. For example, the ones who can't (or don't want to) take their parents as a good example (in terms of wife/husband/parents relationship).

I personally think it's a matter of choice and what you want/expect/desire at such age. And also if as a high schooler you start dating somebody the same age as you, or somebody older than you.

For example, you have:

1 The ones who want to try things by simple curiosity or because they think it's necessary to have a few possibly not so serious relationships before aiming for a serious one (and it doesn't necessarily include to have sex) for various reasons. Can be because they have no clue of what is good or bad to do in a relationship.

2 The ones who want to have sex, usually mainly driven by hormones, or just for fun.

3 The sheeps ones who want to do what their friends do (because they think they will be seen as trash if they don't do it) or just to be in the norm just as what they read in a teenagers magazine.

4 The ones who fall in love with another HS for real and expect their relationships to last long. Usually, when you date another high schooler, from what i've seen around me, it's rare that it lasts long but when those people enter a relationship, they sincerely expect it to last for long (given that sincerity, I don't think they can be blamed for it). Call it naivety, but you'll always find rare cases in which it actually lasted for long after high school. It doesn't only happen in animes, even if it's rare nowadays.

5 You also have the ones that actually seek a very serious relationship and already aim for marriage and/or having kids despite their age. I would say the main difference with (4) is that they mainly don't date high schooler. In the case of girls, it can happen when they date a man older than them. That kind of relationships is rare though. Especially nowadays.

6 The ones who are not interested in dating while in HS.

etc. etc.

There's no law that tell to people what's the best to do or what's good or bad, so they have the right to do what they want to do.


In my case, even when I was 15yo, I was already aiming for a very serious relationship, and so, marriage and kids (Jazzrat's not around this time today. Last time I said that, he kind of freaked out ). If at that time, I had met and fallen for, for example, an awesome serious 20yo man, I would have dated, and if our relationship had been healthly, married him. Sadly, at that time, mainly boys of type (2)-(3) tried to hit on me, so I rejected them. I think I would have belonged to (5) if I had dated a man at that time. So, as you can guess it, I haven't dated anyone when I was in high school.

In HS, I didn't believe that a person necessarily needs any dating experience before aiming for a very serious relationship, so I never responded to the pressure from other people who think the opposite. After all, I had in mind that my mom married my father (he was older than her) while she was very young. That they are still married, in love and happy. And that she is a wonderful wife and mother (yeah, i might be biased on that, but I truly believe that she's awesome).

[Mystique]

Originally Posted by Mistypearl

Anyway....
Yeah. I was wondering if there was anyone else here who went to an all girls school (or single sex school whatever) and how they dealt with dating and stuff like that. I mean I wasn't exactly the most graceful social butterfly...at all. When I went to public school in middle school, and I love going to an all girls school, but sometimes I'm afraid that once I go off to college I'll have no idea what to do, you know? I haven't talked to a guy other than my Dad in uhhh years. It also doesn't help that it's a boarding school and not day. eeek.

Any advice, really at all? Thanks. Sorry I know I'm like dropping in out of nowhere!

Yep, went to one, learnt the true evil nature of women and came out despising my own gender, it’s all gravy
Dating wise, the all boys school was 5 mins down the road and a mixed school was a further 5 mins from that, so my town was filled with students from 3 kinds of schools (made for some fun ‘wars’ between us, lol)
As for dating, I dunno if girls from my end actually hooked up with boys from the other end, but in the UK, high school finishes at 16, so when you enter 6th form (16-18), people are just that bit more maturer and by then you’re entering a mixed sex environment. A lot of the dating seemed to happen from then on, throughout to uni as far as I saw, since usually in HS, by age 14 and 15 (for two years), we’re kinda too focused on passing our GCSE’s to get past the compulsory education stage.

But yeah, me 16, in 6th form and wow ‘boys’ were around!
Computing was one of my A levels, so go figure, 3 girls (inc me) and 25 odd boys *laughs* - I had an amazing time getting to know guys again, seeing how ‘simple’ they were compared to five years of bitchiness, backstabbing, gossiping, two faced emotions and so on.
You find things to be more direct, more simple, more fun with guys (or maybe it’s cause I’m just wired to synch with testosterone ), but man, it was refreshing as hell.
As well as that, for most part my hobbies are all male dominated, so making chit chat was the easiest thing in the world, I only had to pick one of 3 topics:
Football, video games or computers (and the internet which was up and coming back then). I hadn’t discovered anime yet and it was almost non-existent in the UK.

So use the time just to get to know guys, make friends with them and hang out. It’s learning to communicate with a mindset that’s different to ours, and more times than not, it’s kinda fun.

Originally Posted by cheyannew

Test drive before you buy

And by test drive, I dont' mean sex, either. How on earth are you going to get experience dealing with someone in a relationship-type, well, relationship if you don't HAVE one?

Dating through high school etc taught me what to and not to look for in a partner....

Simple, friendships are also relationships, just without the sex or sexual related feelings involved, but it can be just as much hard work and intense as a bf/gf relationship.
Time and effort is needed to keep it healthy, to evolve with the people you’d consider trusting your life secrets too or dropping things without even blinking requires a deep and tight kind of connection that more times than not is developed when the two people invest some serious time and effort with each other to get through the good and bad.
But it is a form of experience that is just as applicable to when you're dating with someone or getting to know a potential partner.

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

Off-topic, but....always remember to sit with your legs closed around guys?

(No kidding. I've heard stuff about the behaviour of girls from single-sex schools when they enter a co-ed environment in junior college. )

Care to expand on that?

@Mistypearl -
Although to toss in the flipside of that, I did notice and learn why guys must sit with their damn legs open, especially when wearing jeans.
If you’re on the bus with a bunch of students or in class, do pay close attention to the way males sit down. At the time, I was just annoyed that they were taking up room on the bus when I could sit down, so would usually force them to make room meaning they’d have to close their legs. xD
Also, if you one day notice and figure out why they may have both their hands in their pockets, do let me know
(Although, I’ll confess, that one was pointed out to me, lol)

Originally Posted by Narona

In my case, even when I was 15yo, I was already aiming for a very serious relationship, and so, marriage and kids (Jazzrat's not around this time today. Last time I said that, he kind of freaked out ). If at that time, I had met and fallen for, for example, an awesome serious 20yo man, I would have dated, and if our relationship had been healthly, married him. Sadly, at that time, mainly boys of type (2)-(3) tried to hit on me, so I rejected them. I think I would have belonged to (5) if I had dated a man at that time. So, as you can guess it, I haven't dated anyone when I was in high school.

But you are aware of what you did back then right?
You potentially rejected your future husband because at first they did not fit into a category that you deemed worthy of your time.
You’re a strong minded girl, so I doubt you dumping a guy if you felt it wasn’t really going well would be too despairing for you, however to slam guys out before they even get a chance (and they did come up to approach you) is to damn yourself too.

9/10, probably those boys at the time were just simply horny little bastards, but who’s to say after hanging out with you, seeing the kind of girl you were, the morals you hold and how stubborn you can be, that they won’t think twice and go;
‘wait… she’s kinda different. Okay maybe at first I was just trying to get into her pants, but methinks, I may actually like her…’

Step out of your immediate ideals from time to time, just to see what potentially lies out there that you may find you like anyways.
Btw, you’ve sent me a few PMs and I apologise for the lack of response, if you have Skype or even AIM/MSN, it’s easier to answer everything in real time, so lemme know