Dating

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by Kaijo

Worst e-mail you could ever receive after a date?

Thought I'd post this here to get some reactions. At first, you may be thinking the guy is crazy, but some of the comments hit upon an interesting interpretation: what if the guy has Aspergers? Having known a few in my time, it certainly sounds like some of the people I've known with Aspergers(and I confess, a bit too close to how I've come at times). He's trying to navigate the social rules without really understanding them, and it comes across as a bit creepy. And yet, as you can see from the tone of the article, mainstream still doesn't understand it or recognize it, and derides people for it.

Granted, this is just a possible interpretation. But it highlights the issues some people have with the dating scene.

I'm not really sure that he doesn't get the "social rules." He states in his second paragraph that "I assume you don't want to go out with me." He gets it, he understands what lack of communication after a date likely means. The rest basically indicates that he's unable to accept that his assumptions were incorrect (he's particularly fixated on what "playing with hair" must mean), or it could indicate that he really liked her and is doing all that he can to still have a chance.

The only thing he doesn't seem to understand (which could result from something along the autism spectrum) is how this girl might be feeling. He attempts to state multiple times what his intent in writing the email is (which does show that he's considering her interpretation), yet the overall email indicates and explains that he is hurt and upset. Despite that, he still welcomes a second date. Basically, he's already pegged her as being uninterested, then says things that would make her guilty, and also attempts to show why they would be compatible. I can't imagine how a second date would be anything but uncomfortable - for the girl, at least.

[Kaijo]

People with Aspergers are fairly logical, blunt, and straight-forward. So, from what he has gleaned from other information sources, he thinks that she might not be interested. But prefers a straightforward answer so he can move on. It could be that she just didn't see his messages or something else happened that she can't respond.

But Aspies also don't tend to realize how they come across, and thus do say and do things that sound creepy, but seem totally logical. Finding an e-mail address, for instance, is very easy. The internet has all your information, and sometimes it's just a matter of looking at your facebook page. From his logical standpoint: you put your information up online, so why would you get upset from someone looking at it?

Aspies really think different, which is why it is so hard for mainstream people to empathize or understand them. If he really is an aspie, then he's being a normal straightforward person, and he really means what he says. The problem is that he doesn't know how he comes across to "normal" people.

[DonQuigleone]

I have met an aspie once or twice in real life. I do have to say, they do seem a little bit "off". It's hard to describe. Somethings just not quite right. It's a kind of uncanny valley type thing.

That email did feel a bit like an aspergers might have wrote it.

[SaintessHeart]

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

I have met an aspie once or twice in real life. I do have to say, they do seem a little bit "off". It's hard to describe. Somethings just not quite right. It's a kind of uncanny valley type thing.

That email did feel a bit like an aspergers might have wrote it.

I thought aspies and dyslexics are interesting people as compared to the more frequent garbage that try to make themselves more popular.

The way they speak and converse, sometimes I wonder if they have a cerebral jack to upload all that stuff into their heads.

[DonQuigleone]

Dyslexics? I think they're fairly normal. I've known several, nothing really set them apart from the majority, other then the fact they had trouble reading/writing/spelling.

[SaintessHeart]

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

Dyslexics? I think they're fairly normal. I've known several, nothing really set them apart from the majority, other then the fact they had trouble reading/writing/spelling.

Well some teachers like to call them "retarded" for not being to spell properly despite multiple spelling corrections.

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by Kaijo

Aspies really think different, which is why it is so hard for mainstream people to empathize or understand them. If he really is an aspie, then he's being a normal straightforward person, and he really means what he says. The problem is that he doesn't know how he comes across to "normal" people.

I don't know about Asperger's specifically, but many autistic individuals have little sense of others. I haven't kept up with autism research, so I don't know if they've clarified it beyond that.

The classic example that I read about was a father whose son was autistic: the father taught the son to point at something when he wanted it, and the father would bring it to him. One day the father was out gardening, and he happened to peek inside the house and saw that his son was standing, alone in a room, his back to the window, pointing at a box of cookies. The entire concept that pointing was signaling to someone else was lost.

This fellow Mike is unusual in that he seems to comprehend the girl's thoughts and feelings, but it's somewhat limited. His message all too quickly turns very centered around himself. Is it something on the autism spectrum, or pure selfishness/self-centeredness? Either way, whether people recognize and try to accommodate it, the prospects for a successful relationship seem slim.

[DonQuigleone]

I can only imagine that a relationship with a guy like him will only end in tears.

It's also plausible that he has a personality disorder of some kind.

[Paranoid Android]

Originally Posted by zebra

That is SO sad I feel really bad I laughed so hard at it
I'm really sorry, but the way you put it ... XDD

Yeah I purposely made it have that impression. She told me after her first date that she's moving by the end of the year. And we were both kind of just 'hanging out' after that.

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Dyslexia is very different from Aspergers in the scope of its effect. Dyslexia is closer to Tourettes in that it's really specific to spoken/written language.

I wonder if any Aspies found someone of the opposite gender with the same disorder? If you're romantically incompatible with most people might as well. Just like a homosexual shouldn't force themselves in a relationship with someone heterosexual of the opposite gender.
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[Kaijo]

Originally Posted by Ledgem

I don't know about Asperger's specifically, but many autistic individuals have little sense of others. I haven't kept up with autism research, so I don't know if they've clarified it beyond that.

Aspergers is generally thought of as a less severe version of autism. If you think of a line, with normal on one side and autism on the other side, Aspergers would fall in the middle. People can be anywhere on the sliding scale from normal to autism, and there are a variety of symptoms that they may or may not have.

Your pointing example is a good one. There are many social rules that aren't really taught but are expected. Someone with Aspergers just really doesn't know or understand them; can probably be taught the rules, but won't really understand why. You see it with the letter; the guy knows something about eye contact and hair preening that he read online, but he doesn't know why. And he doesn't really understand the "I had a nice time" thing.

There are all sorts of subtle clues that we give off with our bodies that we pick up consciously or subconsciously, that aid human communication. Someone with Aspergers just plain doesn't get them, which makes social interaction a mystery, as if they are witnessing people talking in a different language.

[Ledgem]

Maybe, but I still think there's more to it than that. Even though he claims that she seemed interested, he says straight out that "I assume you don't want to go out with me" near the beginning of his letter. He gets it. He may be confused about what happened between the end of the date and the present, but he has picked up on the "hints" about a lack of interest. So what compels him to write the rest of the message, and to continue pursuing this woman?

[solomon]

Random question I had while debating with my friend on AIM

Is first date too early for kiss or not?

[HasuMasu]

Personally I'm fine with it.

[solomon]

NO kidding?

Cause he's trolling forums trying to get the idea of when exactly is the right time so as not to be "awkward".

[HasuMasu]

Yeah, I'd have to take into consideration weather or not the other person is comfortable with it, but if I was on the receiving end I'd be alright.

[solomon]

just for context's sake (provided you are comfortable revealing) are we from venus or mars?

[HasuMasu]

Red soil, sir.

[Ascaloth]

If you've found yourself in a physically intimate position with a girl, that is, sitting close together and/or hugging and/or sitting on your lap etc., that's the right time to try a kiss. Otherwise, don't bother.

[Mystique]

And it depends on what we're on about here.

A sweet, simple semi chast 'good night' kiss?
Or a full blown out snog on the sofa with tongues and all

[Paranoid Android]

Originally Posted by Mystique

And it depends on what we're on about here.

A sweet, simple semi chast 'good night' kiss?
Or a full blown out snog on the sofa with tongues and all

It's the non lip-to-lip kind And it's not on the cheek. OOooh

Neck Nibbling of course.

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A kiss shouldn't be the goal of a first date. Only if it's plain out obviously both of you really want to kiss each other. Kissing easily becomes the norm after a few dates.

First date is typically not the same as being a relationship. It's only the dates after that when your friend and his date can be considered in a relationship. Because there wouldn't be a second date if there's a problem. And once in that position, kissing isn't too big of a thing to think about, it'll come naturally.
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Unless this is a speed-race game of who can take each others pants off first.

Then I suggest getting advice from Simple Pickup. A trio devoted to making a fool out of themselves in front of girls. They have more balls than tub full of plastic balls in a children's playground.

Spoiler for Irrelephant: