2008-03-06, 13:52 | Link #2041 |
Sleep beneath the flowers
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Lording above all of humanity >;3
Age: 34
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It should be but its a PSU thing
When people say they're leaving on the boards you have to say: "gib rarz" EDIT: I claim this page in the name of being offtopic and posting too much like I shouldn't be
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2008-03-06, 13:53 | Link #2042 | ||||
Mistress of Impatience
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In a place of extremes. From below freezing to above boiling.
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I see I've tried that too (Missed a few page claims in Cadia thanks to my hastiness though, so plans backfire badly sometimes ) Quote:
But why would I wage war against T3h Messiah? Quote:
Forgive me Keroko-tan, please (seeing a mini-version of anyone (so CUTE) crying just has me melting ) I was half asleep
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2008-03-06, 14:25 | Link #2043 | |
sitting on NxF bench
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: From where the pretzel comes
Age: 34
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Spoiler for review:
@Fuyu no Sora you seem to have watched Fate Stay/Night Last edited by Gillian; 2008-03-06 at 15:05. |
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2008-03-06, 15:08 | Link #2044 | ||
Adeptus Animus
Author
Join Date: Jan 2007
Age: 36
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Er... wow, that certainly turned out a lot more... steamy then I expected. I guess it's safe to say this isn't exactly animesuki safe? To start, Keroko was done spot, impulsive and oblivious to her actions. I can't really comment on the quallity of the lemon. I've read lemons before, I won't deny that, but I don't really know what makes a good or bad lemon. I liked it though. The emotional part at the end was what really struck the bond between the two. The dual support is just how I imagined it: Keroko will always aim to protect Nanoha from harm, while Nanoha will always be there for the emotionaly unstable Keroko. You don't. You follow him. Quote:
Keroko-tan: Uuuuh~ *hic* So Fuyu-chan doesn't hate me? |
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2008-03-06, 15:50 | Link #2045 |
Mistress of Impatience
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In a place of extremes. From below freezing to above boiling.
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Who hasn't?
Of course I do Adorable and irresistible Aww, of course not I love you You're so cute Btw: Keroko-kun: Copy-pasta is always good !!!
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Last edited by Fuyu no Sora; 2008-03-06 at 17:36. |
2008-03-06, 17:57 | Link #2046 |
The Dang-meister
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That lemon...WAS HOT!!! Not too raunchy, but it wasn't lacking either in terms of content.
With that said, time to do a bit of an analysis. Overall, presentation was good, however, some of your sentences are longer than needed, and some actions could have been better described, even if you had to take some words out. Here's an example Spoiler for before:
Spoiler for After:
As you can tell, I took your original phrase, did some trimming, and some rewording as to make it not too wordy, and it flowed a bit more. There are others here who are probably more proficient in English than I am, but this should give you an idea. A tip is that you maybe cycle your work between at least two of our closest friends, and have them comment on ways you could improve your work. Don't get them to actually do it for you though, just have them show your errors and tell them how to improve upon that. If not, just look at it yourself after leaving a piece of writing for a day or two, and you'll probably wonder why you did this or that. Spelling wasn't a big an issue, so I will not bother. Grammar on the other hand still needs some work. You are not using your commas appropriately at certain points. There are a few run-ons and improper combining of independent clauses with fragments. As you can tell, the major issue I had with this lemon was how you built your sentences to convey the special moment they had. It was good, but now that I look at it, there were some errors that would put off people who have taken, or are taking Post-Secondary college level English. I know that you're not in school and all, but this are things that I've noticed from reading this. I hope that this helps you even further :3
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2008-03-06, 18:20 | Link #2047 | |
What to doodle next?
Artist
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Spoiler for I HAD TO:
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2008-03-06, 19:01 | Link #2051 | |
Floater
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Frosty Hill
Age: 37
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Took me about ten minuets but i think i can stop laughing and post a good job and thank you.
Thank you and you did another good job. But if we take this... Quote:
Spoiler for Landscaper!Fate commercial:
Almost forgot the mandatory Edit: the pic made a beeline strait to my screensaver folder. Last edited by Junkedcat; 2008-03-06 at 19:11. |
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2008-03-06, 19:25 | Link #2053 |
What to doodle next?
Artist
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lol
You're welcome, and thank you guys XD @Junkedcat Sorry I forgot to ask permission before posting...I was giggling to hard to remember XD But I'll ask now: May I post that picture with links to your ficlets on other places (lj/DA)? With credit of course~
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2008-03-06, 19:42 | Link #2054 |
Vividly Vivio
Author
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If we have four dark gods, I think Angel should be made goddess of light.
Anyone know a name to give her based off the 4 dark gods? @ghazghkull: Thanks! It seems a lot of people liked this one ( over 30 request! ) and I'm kind of getting used to it. My grammar mistakes are there because I don't proof my lemons like I do my normal stories.
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2008-03-06, 19:44 | Link #2055 | |
The Dang-meister
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2008-03-06, 19:49 | Link #2056 | |
"Kirnen"
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Where was I going with this? Anyway, to avoid further derailing, I can say I'm pleased with the updates to Landscaper!Fate, and SbtB, but I noticed someone mentioning a "Senpai!Vivio", and THAT grabs my attention. Am I misdirected? Or Delusional? If not, (Oh heavenly CreVo, let that be the case!) Link? |
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2008-03-06, 19:53 | Link #2057 | |
Vividly Vivio
Author
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1.) Satashi has passed one spelling test from grades K through second year in college. 2.)Satashi's grammar grade was failing, but passed because "Literature" was also part of English class. So the grade ended up to be passing. 3.)Satashi's English teacher didn't like Satashi. I proof my stories and catch minor things, and also reword/edit a lot. But actual proofing comes in the form of Angel, who has taken it upon herself to go over my works despite being swamped with exams. Thanks Angel! So I go over for quality of work, but not really for gramatical mistakes and such. Not because I'm lazy but because I honestly speak "proper" English worse than people who have English as a second or third language. Was/were is a habit more than anything else.
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2008-03-06, 19:59 | Link #2058 | |
~ I Do ~
Author
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In the XV-8A Spartan "00"
Age: 38
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2008-03-06, 20:07 | Link #2060 | |
Floater
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Frosty Hill
Age: 37
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Edit: .... dang.... |
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Tags |
authorshipping, befriending, fanfiction, interactive fanfiction, nanoha |
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