Dating

[cheyannew]

Originally Posted by yoropa

I just would like to interject that the woman doesn't always have to take her husband's name. My mother didn't.

I didn't either; eventually I decided to hyphenate it, and add my hubby's name to mine out of respect of Okasan/Otosan, who had treated me with such respect and so on since meeting me, despite me living with their son and not being married (legally) etc. Otherwise, I would've kept my maiden name, and we had also agreed that our firstborn son would have his last name, and the secondborn son (were there one) would've had my last name, so's to carry on both our lines.

People ask for "Mrs <insert his last name here" and I gently inform them there is no such person at this residence teehee. Helps weed out who's a friend and who's a telemarketer or whatever too

[Kaijo]

Originally Posted by Shiemi

Other than that, reconnecting with other friends has been interesting too. It has given me insight on those who really care, those who don't, and even those that were horrified due to me getting a divorce because they are religious fanatics. It also showed me that those who I thought were religious fanatics have changed and have been the most supportive. One of them will even marry a divorced woman soon and that made him one of the most understanding friends about my situation. Showed me how much people can change over the years. In that sense, the friend you have reconnected with might not be the same as you remember.

Yeah, I've been trying to reconnect with a few, now that I'm older and wiser, but it's been a bit tough tracking some down. I'm waiting on replies from a few others, and I've managed to connect to two at least.

But yeah, she might not be the person I remember, which is why I'm just taking things slow. She has been fun to talk to, though, when we can connect, heh.

[Tsuyoshi]

Originally Posted by Kaijo

Anyone else reconnect with an old friend that developed into something more?

I did recently. And I failed miserably I tried calling her and sent her a text message a few times. No responses at all

[Kafriel]

Maybe she was in the subway, there's no signal down there!

[Tsuyoshi]

Originally Posted by Kafriel

Maybe she was in the subway, there's no signal down there!

Even so, she would've gotten my texts when she got signal again but nothing from her.....

[Kafriel]

I know this is going to sound stupid, but...are you in the subway? o_0

[Tsuyoshi]

Originally Posted by Kafriel

I know this is going to sound stupid, but...are you in the subway? o_0

O_o No not really. I was at home and it was the weekend when I don't travel, so I definitely wasn't in a subway.

[cheyannew]

Originally Posted by Mystique

There are all kinds of subtle changes for this status change. Usually as well upon marriage does a couple then fully live together and begin the family thing.
Remember Chey that you don't live conventionally given your circumstances, so you were already in a 'married' state, 2 kids and all before the ceremony made it official.
For many it's the 'start' of the big and long road or keeping their relationship healthy and learning more about each other.
Hence why 'married life' may feel different to some.

Actually, I didn't get pregnant w/ our son until after we'd exchanged rings/vows (several months afterwards actually), and hadn't even discussed having the 2nd one by the time I finally agreed to sign the paperwork. Our marriage was official the moment we exchanged those vows and rings. Maybe not according to the government, but that wasn't the important part
I am, however, a strong supporter of living w/ your partner for a good while before marrying them, that way there's less chance of surprises popping up Religious beliefs, traditions, etc permitting, of course.

Originally Posted by Mystique

It does amuse me when you come in here often and go ‘I don’t know why people act/think this way when for me, it’s like this.’
Like I said, your life is far from conventional or ‘the norm’, thus you’ll always be looking at something from the other side of the looking glass.

Well, somebody's got to toss in opinions from the other side, and if I make even 1 person go "hmm...." then it did its job
I'd rather thought my opinions came from my point of view as a strong (stubborn? lol), independent woman, as opposed to the poly part.

[cheyannew]

Originally Posted by Shiemi

My mother didn't either, I didn't do it with my ex (I'm really glad!), and don't think I will take my fiancé's name either. If I ever do, it will be after maybe after ten years of marriage or so, but in any case, I know he won't mind if I never do. His mother never did either.

Hmm; was it a cultural thing for your mother, his mother, etc? When I got married, people seemed all but horrified I wasn't taking my husband's name, but I'm noticing here that it's more common than I thought Just curious if it's some kind of cultural thing, mayhaps...

[yoropa]

Another interjection!

This is the view of my English teacher, who is an extreme left-wing feminist. She didn't change her name, but yet prefers at school to be called as Mrs. <her husband's name>. We asked her about that because that seemed to go against her ideology, and what she explained was this:

Her children go to the school she teaches at. But the children have her husband's name. So during teacher meetings, the other teachers actually ended up insulting those kids, her face, to her face without realizing that they were her children. And as such, since such words ended up hurting her, she decided that at school to be called by her husband's name.

I know people who are married, didn't change their last names, but their children were given a hyphenated name. This is cool but if it keeps up you're going to get some hellish hyphenated names if you ask me, hah.

As for me personally, if I ever get married, which I don't plan on doing, then I would be fine if my wife kept her name. Heck if her name is badass, I may actually be the one to change mine. This whole naming tradition thing means nothing to me, personally. But I guess everybody's view is different on this matter. I think it's important for the couple to discuss this and just figure out what's going to go down. Not really a priority whatsoever, but eventually it'll come up.

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by cheyannew

You know, I might get flamed to Hell and back for this, but IMO, that's how things should be.
Getting married (legally) really shouldn't change a damned thing (ok, except for your taxes lol). The bond that's formed should have been there long before the knot was tied... and I told my hubby (I refused to legally marry for almost a year and a half after we'd originally exchanged vows/rings lol) that I wanted him to be with me because he wanted to, not because he felt obligated due to some silly piece of paper. He had stayed with the psychotwink who was his now exwife (I would so gut her if I saw her on the street, ugh), because he'd made a commitment to her, and so on. So I was rather out to prove that the piece of paper was wholly irrelevant He finally wheedled me down to legally marry though :P we only count the first exchange of rings/vows as our anniversary though.

I agree with you, and with something you said in a post after this one about how people probably should live together before getting married. Living together, sleeping together - those things have traditionally been taboo to do before marriage, but they're very important aspects of a relationship. If you don't get a good feel for either then you're really taking a huge leap of faith by committing to each other before getting to know those other aspects of the person.

It's not that I don't understand the traditional views, of course. I have no children, but I'd likely be nervous with the idea of having one living with a girlfriend or boyfriend (especially a boyfriend). As a parent it represents a major life decision that your child has made, and that you can't really get involved with. If there's any mistreatment or strange business, society is unlikely to come to your aid (unless things are really bad) because society does not yet recognize living situations like those as being as serious as marriage.

Originally Posted by Mystique

Now, now Ledgem, the fact you felt that sting even more is just a indication of how much I adore you lately and how deep my fire passionately, burns for you, that it can maintain its strength all the way from Japan.
It's all love, truly

In light of a recent conversation that you, Ascaloth and I had, I see great potential to misinterpret that terribly. I am a married man! I'm sorry, but you'll have to find someone else to release your passion on

Originally Posted by yoropa

As for me personally, if I ever get married, which I don't plan on doing, then I would be fine if my wife kept her name. Heck if her name is badass, I may actually be the one to change mine. This whole naming tradition thing means nothing to me, personally. But I guess everybody's view is different on this matter. I think it's important for the couple to discuss this and just figure out what's going to go down. Not really a priority whatsoever, but eventually it'll come up.

When my wife and I first had the idea to get married, I wanted us both to hyphenate our names. It seemed unfair to me that she should have to give up her name and go through the whole name-changing process by herself. Yet that idea created such a storm of garbage within my family that I ultimately decided to drop it. My wife was fine with the idea of taking my name, her family was fine with it... did it really matter enough to start a big fight over?

You have to choose your battles wisely. For better or for worse, family gets massively involved over things like marriage.

[RadiantBeam]

Just a general question, I suppose, because I've been thinking about it a lot lately: when you like someone and you want to meet them, how are you supposed to tell your parents about it?

I ask mostly because as far as it goes, my parents aren't very big fans of online/long distance relationships. In my friend's case, she'd actually dated both of her boyfriends for a few months before telling her parents about it, but I don't see that going over so well with my family, especially since the boy I like and I have agreed that we won't finalize anything until we've actually met and interacted IRL.

I'm also asking because this is really what tripped me up with my ex-girlfriend; she often spoke about coming to visit me, and I was incredibly nervous about it because I hadn't told my parents about her. I don't want to make the same mistake with this boy, but I'm still scared of how my parents will handle my asking to meet with him.

Granted, I have some ideas. I've talked to him through phone calls several times on Skype, so I know I could always start a chat session between him and my parents.

[Shiemi]

Originally Posted by cheyannew

Hmm; was it a cultural thing for your mother, his mother, etc? When I got married, people seemed all but horrified I wasn't taking my husband's name, but I'm noticing here that it's more common than I thought Just curious if it's some kind of cultural thing, mayhaps...

About his mother, might be. About mine, yeah. I also knew my grandmother always by her maiden name and not my grandfather's name. In that sense, maybe here it's just normal not to take husband's name. I know, though, that for a while women would say their names adding 'de' in Spanish, which means 'of', but eventually, most women dropped that because it was like saying they were a possession of the husband. For example, a woman would be called Linda Vaca de Toro (made up name, lol). That would be Linda Cow of Bull (Bull being the husband's name and Cow being the maiden name.) That was cultural here for a while, but for many years now it has sort of been abolished due to possessive connotation. It did seem to me that in the U.S. and also in Japan, it is kind of expected for the wife to take husband's name. Many tried to force me into taking husband's name while I lived in Japan.

[hinakatbklyn]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

I ask mostly because as far as it goes, my parents aren't very big fans of online/long distance relationships. In my friend's case, she'd actually dated both of her boyfriends for a few months before telling her parents about it, but I don't see that going over so well with my family, especially since the boy I like and I have agreed that we won't finalize anything until we've actually met and interacted IRL.

I'm also asking because this is really what tripped me up with my ex-girlfriend; she often spoke about coming to visit me, and I was incredibly nervous about it because I hadn't told my parents about her. I don't want to make the same mistake with this boy, but I'm still scared of how my parents will handle my asking to meet with him.

Granted, I have some ideas. I've talked to him through phone calls several times on Skype, so I know I could always start a chat session between him and my parents.

I'm not sure if this was the main case for your prior relationships not working out, but each time there was a similar pattern: "worried about what your parents would think" or "should you mention him/her to your parents". If he is the right person and it doesn't work out because you're nervous about bringing it up, maybe it would work out if you did bring him up with your parents.

If you already know who he is and what he's like, it shouldn't be a problem. You might want to know more about him though if you are only familiar with him online rather than in person, If you trust him enough and he's the right person, to bring him up with your parents, I'm sure they would want to see him in person or as you suggested, a video chat session just to be safe.

[Ascaloth]

You know, this is something that haven't really crossed my mind until I saw the conversation about this a few posts back.

Let's say my girl and I get married. I have a Chinese name. She has a Vietnamese name. Our naming conventions are completely different. What usually happens in these cases?

[Kaijo]

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

You know, this is something that haven't really crossed my mind until I saw the conversation about this a few posts back.

Let's say my girl and I get married. I have a Chinese name. She has a Vietnamese name. Our naming conventions are completely different. What usually happens in these cases?

You two talk it over and decide what you want for yourselves. Unless there are customs and traditions from your families that you feel you should observe.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by hinakatbklyn

I'm not sure if this was the main case for your prior relationships not working out, but each time there was a similar pattern: "worried about what your parents would think" or "should you mention him/her to your parents".

Yeah, unfortunately, I'm very much aware of that problem. Mostly it's because my parents, as I mentioned earlier, aren't very big fans of long distance relationships and online relationships. On top of that, my dad in particular has an idea of what kind of boy he wants me to be with, so that's another nervewracking factor to worry about.

[yoropa]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

Yeah, unfortunately, I'm very much aware of that problem. Mostly it's because my parents, as I mentioned earlier, aren't very big fans of long distance relationships and online relationships. On top of that, my dad in particular has an idea of what kind of boy he wants me to be with, so that's another nervewracking factor to worry about.

I hear you on the parental problem thing. Mine are just overprotective.

[Kafriel]

@YkT: Think of it as a test, she hasn't seen you in ages, maybe she believes it would be good to see how far you'd go to meet with her - if an unanswered call was enough to put you off, then it wasn't worth the trouble...or something like that. Just call her again (once) and see how it goes.
@RB: Tell your mom, and then she can tell your dad sometime when you won't be home

Let's say my girl and I get married. I have a Chinese name. She has a Vietnamese name. Our naming conventions are completely different. What usually happens in these cases?

You can still keep either or both last names, for example I could be George Serpanos-Yun Su, I don't see how it would be a problem.

[SaintessHeart]

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

You know, this is something that haven't really crossed my mind until I saw the conversation about this a few posts back.

Let's say my girl and I get married. I have a Chinese name. She has a Vietnamese name. Our naming conventions are completely different. What usually happens in these cases?

Names are made up of first (surname) and last name, with the occasional middle.

For example, if a person's name is Qiao Hongye, his first name (surname) will be Qiao and his last name (addressing name) will be Hongye.

If someone named Nguyen Min Ha Na marries into his family, where the first name is Nguyen and last name is Min Ha Na, the girl/guy Hongye marries will be named Qiao Min Ha Na by convention, dropping the Nguyen surname.

It all depends on who's marrying into whose family. In Japan, a foreigner will always marry into the local's family (unless otherwise agreed upon), for example, if I were to marry a girl named Nakano Azusa, I will be addressed as Mr Nakano post-marriage because I am a foreigner. If I am not wrong, it is similar for Muslims, regardless of male or female.

Over here in Singapore, she adopts your surname. You can give her a marriage name if you want to if the naming conventions are too confusing for you.