2011-01-31, 08:10 | Link #41 | |
Swordy Turkey
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Where turkeys can actually fly
Age: 31
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I'll probably post it here when I'm done (if there's somewhere better to post this let me know) And thanks for the encouragement. P.S, anyone joining the EMDAS competition? If so, I'll be seeing you in the field of battle. Last edited by theflyingturkey; 2011-01-31 at 08:21. |
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2011-01-31, 09:01 | Link #42 |
VxR Productions
IT Support
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And here's a quick idea i made- actually i have this idea brewing when the series started airing.
Spoiler for IS Unit in Progress:
I shall work on this more, if there is anything bothering
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Last edited by Saint X; 2011-02-05 at 14:58. |
2011-02-03, 07:16 | Link #43 | |
Senior Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: SO CAL!
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2011-02-04, 08:43 | Link #45 |
ANTI-Nonsense
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Alert: Peer Review - INCOMING!
I am going to assume English isn't your first language, judging by the various grammatical errors I have found. By some miracle, you managed to avoid the bullet of spelling mistakes, or I would have contracted an apoplectic seizure, I think.
You, my friend, need a beta-reader and some self-study to help fix your English, and you need to peruse through more fiction, period, to improve your storytelling capabilities. I can help with the former, but the latter... There is no way easy way to it. Everyone learns their own way of telling a story. Some people like books, others movies, others comics, etc., but really, it's about absorbing all the culture you see around you and disseminating it into a written form that seems to have a method to its madness (AKA narrative style), rather than being roughly strung together blurbs of thought. Rhyme and reason, yeah? As is, I'd rate you a low C. It was kinda enjoyable, I guess. Negative marks on Ichika's sister being out of character, and shoddy execution to why / how Ichika comes to meet Magi. Positive marks for effort guts. Hey, at least you gave it a shot, and I can sorta see the vision you have for this "World". Alas, your voice is still lacking and immature. Now, by all means, do continue to give it your best, but don't forget to take the criticism to heart. Otherwise, you're never going to improve your abilities as a fiction writer. If you like, I can submit you via PM a revised edition of this drabble, with the bare minimum of edits to bring it up to basic spec. I am not trying to railroad you here, bro. I am trying to show you the kinds of things you need to be thinking about when you write your scenes. It's the six P's: Proper Planning Prevents P*** Poor Performance. Ja?
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2011-02-04, 12:14 | Link #47 | |
Augumented Paranoia
Join Date: Nov 2003
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Spoiler for Origin Story: Empyrean:
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Last edited by asaqe; 2011-02-05 at 01:16. |
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2011-02-04, 15:27 | Link #48 |
VxR Productions
IT Support
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A Slight World-building post of sorts
Spoiler for “The FHM of IS”:
- I need actual dates/years of the Series and when IS were first developed. - Now accepting questions for our one-on-one interview with Gerard - PM me with them
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2011-02-04, 18:02 | Link #49 |
~ Your Smile ~
Author
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: 346Pro
Age: 38
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Hey a fellow Singaporean! Though I'm surprised we both ended up as imouto types. Little Red Dot eh. XD
Both my Merlion and your Megal use a bullpup rifle as a primary too. And then I have a vague feeling that both our OCs... have the same voice actor. (looks at prototype image forming in photoshop ) Which world are you running with? Canon or JE's world?
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Last edited by MeisterBabylon; 2011-02-07 at 07:30. |
2011-02-05, 01:04 | Link #50 | |
NYAAAAHAAANNNNN~
Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 35
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There are only 3 VAs which can do Rachel, namely Asami Imai, Rie Kugimiya and Ayanyan. I could factor in Rie Tanaka too, but I think she should be more reserved for mature sounding characters. With regards to the bullpup, I chose it because it looks cool, but IRL the SAR-21 is a crap weapon (you will know after you served in a coarse-mud/saltwater unit...trust me). I am modelling it so that it has the following specs : 1. The fat handguard with the laser-sight is actually a EM-accelerator coil. 2. The LAD is a SACLOS system used for guiding the RPGs, which work with a soft-launch system (two motor propulsion). 3. I threw out the scope-carry handle an replaced it with a guidance ACOG. Used for launching the RPG. 4. RPGs are launched from the barrel like a rifle grenade, but with its own propulsion system. Conventional rounds with cartridges are used. 40-round box magazine, can be reloaded with a nanite-reconstructor. RPGs are limited ammo weaponry, however. That gun can be held by a normal human being wearing regular non-IS powered armor.
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2011-02-05, 06:44 | Link #51 | |
ANTI-Nonsense
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Peer Review No. 2
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Written fiction is more than just dialogue. You have a setting, tone, pacing, themes, narration, scenes, transitions, descriptors, characters, and vice-versa. The above jargon could have been an actual "Scene" and not bunch of what-have-you dialogue had you taken the time to storyboard and visualize what you are trying to communicate to the reader, then put it into words. It does not have to be exact to every last nitty, gritty detail, but you need to give us something to work with here. Hell, why do we even care who this Empyrean guy is? What does he look like? What's he wearing? How he's feeling? Where is he when he's receiving this transmission? Etc. These are the sort of things you need to think about, and it's just the tip of the iceberg. Storytelling is an art form. I don't expect you to "Get it" overnight, but as long as you take what I got to say and try to find out more for yourself, instead of just clinging to lame excuses, you will improve. Now, let me tell you how I would have executed the material you have just put out. First off, I'd set the scene by either describing Empyrean's surroundings, or preferably, begin "the moment" with some philosophical / thematic characterization. Anything, really, to get the reader's attention. The former is serviceable but I think the latter is much better. But, hey, let's go with describing Empyrean's surroundings. Now, assuming this is the first time we're meeting him, I would not have the narrator give away his identity immediately. Instead, he'd be just a pilot inside the cockpit of an AC, which is loaded in the cargo bay of a military transport. You ever rode in a plane before? Well, start with that and then make the description a lot more ugly and less comfortable, since this is a military aircraft. Doesn't help that an AC's cockpit is awfully cluttered too. Lots of hi-tech, if utilitarian display screens and widgets just blasting you with glare that reflects right in the visor of your helmet. It's through these screens and the operator barking his ear off that the Raven is receiving his briefing, as the bird is rocked ever so often by turbulence. Idle radio chatter in the background from the air crew on the flight deck. Cockpit's kinda cold too...if you know what I'm saying. I'd go into even more detail, but I think just from this train of thought, you can imagine what follows naturally. Being airdropped from 20,000+ feet in the air is quite a rush, even if you are inside a 7-meter tall walking death machine, with machineguns and missile launchers. ...Oh, and one more thing, lay off the AC nomenclature for weapons. New readers won't have a clue what they look like. If you're gonna give us the name, then you need to describe them and give out a few handy specs as to why we should care about what would otherwise be a trite info dump. Good luck.
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Last edited by JamesEdwards; 2011-02-05 at 22:35. |
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2011-02-05, 06:48 | Link #52 | |||||
~ Your Smile ~
Author
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: 346Pro
Age: 38
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What is it called? I named-dropped the bullpup rifle to be a SISAR-21 in my profile, and since its a standard issue weapon I suppose that all Singapore IS will have it. So can I use these stats for my profile too? Quote:
Also, I dreamed up a minimum armor mode for Merlion, namely the SBO, which is just applying the ADB around the user and boosting the user strength to 30% IS armor level. This allows the user to wield the SISAR-21 with both hands as though she was in SIR power armor, when she's in say school uniform. Allows the user to operate in constrained spaces where a IS may be too large for. In FBO mode, the wielder can use the weapon, now relatively smaller to the armored body, one-handed like a mecha rifle. What do you think? ~~~~~~ Also, I incorporated some ideas from your profile into mine with regards to Singapore and the existence of multiple representatives. I've stated that there's 4 reps in ISA atm, so we have room for 2 more of us. Hope you don't mind. ~~~~~~ EDIT: Spoiler for Some food for thought:
EDIT2: Singapore's melee-focused Representative Indo-China.
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Last edited by MeisterBabylon; 2011-02-05 at 09:30. |
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2011-02-05, 10:25 | Link #53 | ||||||
NYAAAAHAAANNNNN~
Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 35
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The ME:ISTER cannot be summoned so the funny thing is, Rachel carries it with her all the time, and pulls it out of the unthinkable places all the time. Quote:
The Moonfang units are simply copied Blue Tears technology which are unable to fire lasers, but rather, rely on torque and simple Physics in a form of boomerangs. Finally, Starwright is not a state-sponsored but privatised project, that initially formed the basis of later Metro mass-manufactured IS-es. I am putting alot of mysteries behind Starwright. Quote:
You could take the other side of the equation though.
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2011-02-05, 18:30 | Link #56 | |
Loveable Jerk
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*reads over the thread and has something catch his eye*
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Actually it makes me want to make an OC whose primary purpose is to be a skeptic that goes around pointing out how inane the various series sacred cows are. You know what fuck it that’s what I’m going to do. Rachael Brown: Professional Snarker Spoiler for The Snarking Chronicles Volume 1: Stealth is overrated anyway!:
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Last edited by Tk3997; 2011-02-09 at 22:49. |
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2011-02-05, 18:36 | Link #57 | |||||||||
~ Your Smile ~
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: 346Pro
Age: 38
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Though now I imagine Rachel going through various... attempts to define a key phrase to activate Starwright and henshin. Quote:
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Now I get it, Starwright works like a Strike Gundam, interchangeable packs! And no problems about hiding secrets in there. Its starting to look like Starwright is a different project from STE's version altogether. Which is even better, the MDF going one way while the SAF is going in another. I doubt there'd be a head-on clash, but it will create friction between the Federation's reps, and play into the "size of Metro's IS program is the world's worst kept secret" bits. Quote:
Because of that, Karon is working at her Rep status to break into the political circle and take control of a country slowing coming out of its recent stellar rise. It is reflected in her IS as well. STE made the first 3 IS to specialize in close, medium and long range engagements, leaving the 4th one as a reserve core for R&D by the megacorp. Other state companies objected the waste of a core (and wanted it for themselves), the politicians made a lot of hot air from both sides of the argument, nothing happened for a while. It was when an Australis engineer proposed to build the 4th as a support unit that could to a limited extent fill the roles of the 1st three, and practically did everything except actual manufacturing, was Merlion okay'd to be constructed. Karon wants to be that influence, because true she wants power but if its good for the country there's nothing wrong with desiring power. EDIT: I've updated Karon's profile with the above information. Also: Quote:
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Gosh, this just reminded me of NANOHA STRIKERS, but with HAREM!! XD XD XD Quote:
Nice profile btw, now I have a teacher to play around with.
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Last edited by MeisterBabylon; 2011-02-05 at 19:15. |
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2011-02-05, 22:19 | Link #60 | |
Adeptus Animus
Author
Join Date: Jan 2007
Age: 36
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Don't you just love it when authors start throwing out numbers? And since I don't want to be left out of the party: The blue haired artillery: Helena de Wolf |
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fanfic ideas, fanfiction, ff.net, harem, is fanfic, warning fanfic spoilers, wincest |
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