Dating

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

Right, so... opinions. Think I could have handled it better? Was I justified, or was I just being petty at this point? Should I have done this, or that? Whatever it is, give it to me (with both barrels, if necessary)... then tell me what to do at this point. Me, I don't like how I ruined the mood between us today, but I also wanted to impress it upon her that no, she can't do this sort of thing all the time and expect me to brush it off every time with a gesture.

So, yeah. Thoughts, admonishments, reprimands, suggestions, bring it.

In all honesty, you both could have handled this better.

That aside, though, don't let the silence last for too long; talking about the issue is better than just letting it stew between the two of you, especially in terms of hurt feelings.

[DonQuigleone]

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

Right, so... opinions. Think I could have handled it better? Was I justified, or was I just being petty at this point? Should I have done this, or that? Whatever it is, give it to me (with both barrels, if necessary)... then tell me what to do at this point. Me, I don't like how I ruined the mood between us today, but I also wanted to impress it upon her that no, she can't do this sort of thing all the time and expect me to brush it off every time with a gesture.

So, yeah. Thoughts, admonishments, reprimands, suggestions, bring it.

Don't listen to everyone else! You have to show her YOU'RE boss! If you give up now all your sacrifices thus far will be for naught! You have to start laying in for the long haul, start stockpiling supplies, NEVER SURRENDER!

If you start talking to her now, she won't learn her lesson! You have to HOLD THE LINE. Got to be cruel to be kind.

It's a bit like training a dog.

[Ricky Controversy]

@Ascaloth:

Silence is an oft-used, helpful tool in relationships, but the whole notion of a 'silent treatment' misses the point. When you need some time to yourself to gather your thoughts, clarify them and prepare yourself for actual communication with your partner, silence gives you a free space in which to do that. Even then, however, you generally want to let your partner know that you want that time to figure stuff out.

The ideal situation is that when something your partner does bothers you, you articulate that it bothers you, why it bothers you, and start exploring ways to work through it if need be. The silent treatment will, at best, tell your partner that their behavior bothers you: but they may not even necessarily know what they're being shunned for.

It's certainly better than flying off the handle aggressively, but it's still a far cry from productive.

[speedyexpress48]

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

Right, so... opinions. Think I could have handled it better? Was I justified, or was I just being petty at this point? Should I have done this, or that? Whatever it is, give it to me (with both barrels, if necessary)... then tell me what to do at this point. Me, I don't like how I ruined the mood between us today, but I also wanted to impress it upon her that no, she can't do this sort of thing all the time and expect me to brush it off every time with a gesture.

Honestly, both of you could have handled it better. And silence may solve things in the (really) short term, but you need to let her know why you were angry in the first place sooner or later (in a non-threatening way) and find solutions for it. If you need time to think about it, let her know. Silence for a long time will make you guys head further and further away from each other until both of you break up.

I know it's much easier to keep quiet than talking about it, but if you don't, you will really regret it. Trust me...

[Dextro]

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

Don't listen to everyone else! You have to show her YOU'RE boss! If you give up now all your sacrifices thus far will be for naught! You have to start laying in for the long haul, start stockpiling supplies, NEVER SURRENDER!

If you start talking to her now, she won't learn her lesson! You have to HOLD THE LINE. Got to be cruel to be kind.

It's a bit like training a dog.

This...





...takes the "worst advice I've seen in a while" award.

I was staying out of this because I'm not very good at handling those types of situations myself (I'm too soft) so I wasn't too sure of what you should do Ascaloth. However there's one thing I'm sure about: I think you went a tad bit too hard on her. She apologized and even if I understand that you might believe that she didn't learn her lesson and will most likely do it again (and I would be with you on that) I also think that giving her the silent treatment after returning was a very bad move that, if left unchecked, might come back to bite you in the future.

What you should have done is talk to her when you returned instead of giving her the silent treatment. You should try not to fight obviously but discuss the matter and make it clear to her that what she did was wrong in your eyes. However I'll admit that if she didn't come to you to talk aboute it (or even a simple "is everything alright?") you were probably right in not touching the issue but you shouldn't let it hanging for too long and it would be good to talk it out soon.

Also: sarcasm is never a good solution in situations where people are actually at odds. I'm guilty of the same thing since I also tend to use sarcasm a lot and while I do know that I should keep it for those situations where it's mostly funny instead of a weapon I keep using it as the later. You (and me as well) really have to try and avoid it during discussions.

[DonQuigleone]

Originally Posted by Dextro

This...





...takes the "worst advice I've seen in a while" award.

I was staying out of this because I'm not very good at handling those types of situations myself (I'm too soft) so I wasn't too sure of what you should do Ascaloth. However there's one thing I'm sure about: I think you went a tad bit too hard on her. She apologized and even if I understand that you might believe that she didn't learn her lesson and will most likely do it again (and I would be with you on that) I also think that giving her the silent treatment after returning was a very bad move that, if left unchecked, might come back to bite you in the future.

What you should have done is talk to her when you returned instead of giving her the silent treatment. You should try not to fight obviously but discuss the matter and make it clear to her that what she did was wrong in your eyes. However I'll admit that if she didn't come to you to talk aboute it (or even a simple "is everything alright?") you were probably right in not touching the issue but you shouldn't let it hanging for too long and it would be good to talk it out soon.

Also: sarcasm is never a good solution in situations where people are actually at odds. I'm guilty of the same thing since I also tend to use sarcasm a lot and while I do know that I should keep it for those situations where it's mostly funny instead of a weapon I keep using it as the later. You (and me as well) really have to try and avoid it during discussions.

Well, I think it's important to show other alternative forms of action, so that the individual can make an informed choice.

Also, I was being somewhat facetious . I would have thought the dog comment would have clued people in, but there's alway's Poe's law....

[Mystique]

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

Don't listen to everyone else! You have to show her YOU'RE boss! If you give up now all your sacrifices thus far will be for naught! You have to start laying in for the long haul, start stockpiling supplies, NEVER SURRENDER!

If you start talking to her now, she won't learn her lesson! You have to HOLD THE LINE. Got to be cruel to be kind.

It's a bit like training a dog.

This...


this made me chuckle like I haven't in a long time in this thread, since I know it's females that usually hold the leashes and men come up panting away or sitting obidiently on their hind legs waiting to serve us if we give them enough treats
(And it's too ridiculous to be taken seriously, one can only laugh at Don's comment)

As for Asc's case, let it all out. It's better to be angry/frustrated so she sees your discomfort in plain sight (in your eyes, in your voice), so she sees how much it hurts/annoys you.
Trust me if she cares (which she did enough to send the text) it'll get beneath her skin since she'd not wanna hurt you on purpose.
If it's a real bad habit of hers, you can only discuss ways to see if she can be conscious enough to not fall into it again, or if she does, she deals with the consequence and you don't have to go along with changing things at the last minute.

There's tolerance and then there's being taken advantage of when it begins to hurt/truly upset someone after the 2nd, 3rd 4th time, etc.
Talk it out properly, try to find someway of dealing with it again when (not if) she does the same thing again in the near future.

[Ascaloth]

Update:

Well, I figured one day was enough to stew over things, so last night I texted her to ask about her day, like I usually did.

No reply. Never saw her come online the whole night, either.

Yeah, if ever there was a cue, that would be it. Knowing her, that probably means she's blocked me for the time being, and she needs some more time to chill, given her passionate emotions. So the best thing I could do at the moment was to leave her be, until she feels like talking again, whenever that might be. So no goodnight text last night either; I didn't think it would do any good.

Relationships, eh? Tricky little buggers to handle, aren't they? Seems I really suck at handling one, at least.

Oh well, guess it's a few days, maybe a week of no contact for me. I wonder if I should just send her the goodnight texts anyway, at least?

[SaintessHeart]

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

Update:

Well, I figured one day was enough to stew over things, so last night I texted her to ask about her day, like I usually did.

No reply. Never saw her come online the whole night, either.

Yeah, if ever there was a cue, that would be it. Knowing her, that probably means she's blocked me for the time being, and she needs some more time to chill, given her passionate emotions. So the best thing I could do at the moment was to leave her be, until she feels like talking again, whenever that might be. So no goodnight text last night either; I didn't think it would do any good.

Relationships, eh? Tricky little buggers to handle, aren't they? Seems I really suck at handling one, at least.

Oh well, guess it's a few days, maybe a week of no contact for me. I wonder if I should just send her the goodnight texts anyway, at least?

Just get on with your life. I have a hunch that she wants to take but give as little as possible.

[Dextro]

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

Well, I think it's important to show other alternative forms of action, so that the individual can make an informed choice.

Also, I was being somewhat facetious . I would have thought the dog comment would have clued people in, but there's alway's Poe's law....

I figured as much but I still wanted to throw the award.

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

Update:

Well, I figured one day was enough to stew over things, so last night I texted her to ask about her day, like I usually did.

No reply. Never saw her come online the whole night, either.

Yeah, if ever there was a cue, that would be it. Knowing her, that probably means she's blocked me for the time being, and she needs some more time to chill, given her passionate emotions. So the best thing I could do at the moment was to leave her be, until she feels like talking again, whenever that might be. So no goodnight text last night either; I didn't think it would do any good.

Relationships, eh? Tricky little buggers to handle, aren't they? Seems I really suck at handling one, at least.

Oh well, guess it's a few days, maybe a week of no contact for me. I wonder if I should just send her the goodnight texts anyway, at least?

I was afraid something like this would happen as soon as I read the text but there's no point in rubbing salt in the wounds and you can't turn back time so...

Anyway I couldn't tell you if you should send the texts or not since I don't know her so that's something only you can figure out. For some girls it helps, for others it doesn't and I sense she's tending more on the later but that's just a wild guess and I've never been very good at it.

I hope everything turns out for the best.

[JC...]

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

If you start talking to her now, she won't learn her lesson! You have to HOLD THE LINE. Got to be cruel to be kind.

It's a bit like training a dog.

If you have to manipulate someone's mind to get them to like you, you must be a pretty sad person.

[Kafriel]

Relationships, eh? Tricky little buggers to handle, aren't they? Seems I really suck at handling one, at least.

That, they are...but hey, we're all human, and unlike what some like to believe, men aren't made of steel and their feelings can be hurt too Sucks that she decided to do this, but you'll pull through.

until she feels like talking again, whenever that might be.

I got a question, what happens if you feel like talking a lot later than she does?

[Ascaloth]

Update:

She finally responded tonight to my texting her today asking about her day. So I basically just asked how her day was, and apologized for overreacting that day. Apology accepted, but our conversation tonight was relatively brief, so I guess it'll be this level of awkwardness for a while.

Oh well. I've got my own work issues, and she has hers. I've done my part at this point, so it's her call now. I've got other things to think about.

[synaesthetic]

Originally Posted by JC...

If you have to manipulate someone's mind to get them to like you, you must be a pretty sad person.

Socializing and communication is manipulation. We all want. We all give to get what we want. Any conversation is simultaneously a means of conveying information as well as negotiating the relationship between the participants.

[DonQuigleone]

Originally Posted by synaesthetic

Socializing and communication is manipulation. We all want. We all give to get what we want. Any conversation is simultaneously a means of conveying information as well as negotiating the relationship between the participants.

Manipulation implies that the exchange is to the benefit of only one person, and to the detriment and deceit of the other. In real life, conversations and relationships benefit both participants, though not necessarily equally.

[synaesthetic]

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

Manipulation implies that the exchange is to the benefit of only one person, and to the detriment and deceit of the other. In real life, conversations and relationships benefit both participants, though not necessarily equally.

Not true. Manipulation simply means "to manipulate," to take and to alter, to change, to adjust. Those elusive "social skills" that so many denizens of this board seem to lack are nothing but the ability to manipulate people effectively.

[DonQuigleone]

Originally Posted by synaesthetic

Not true. Manipulation simply means "to manipulate," to take and to alter, to change, to adjust. Those elusive "social skills" that so many denizens of this board seem to lack are nothing but the ability to manipulate people effectively.

I said imply. When we use "manipulate" in a person to person basis we imply "manipulate to our benefit".

According to Websters:

1: to treat or operate with or as if with the hands or by mechanical means especially in a skillful manner
2
a : to manage or utilize skillfully b : to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage
3
: to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one's purpose

It's a subtle difference.

[synaesthetic]

Everything we do is inherently to our own benefit. Every action is selfish. The sooner people realize that, the sooner we can fight against that inherent biologically hard-coded selfishness, and make arrangements that benefit us as well as the other involved parties.

[DonQuigleone]

Originally Posted by synaesthetic

Everything we do is inherently to our own benefit. Every action is selfish. The sooner people realize that, the sooner we can fight against that inherent biologically hard-coded selfishness, and make arrangements that benefit us as well as the other involved parties.

Not necessarily. We often do actions that are to the benefit of others, with no direct benefit to ourselves. However there is a selfish angle to it, in that the idea is that you gain the good will of the recipient for doing an action. But I think it's wrong to say we are solely selfish. Our entire idea of "goodness" is unselfish behaviour, and pretty much every person out there, bar some psychopaths, aspire to be good.

[SaintessHeart]

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

Update:

She finally responded tonight to my texting her today asking about her day. So I basically just asked how her day was, and apologized for overreacting that day. Apology accepted, but our conversation tonight was relatively brief, so I guess it'll be this level of awkwardness for a while.

Oh well. I've got my own work issues, and she has hers. I've done my part at this point, so it's her call now. I've got other things to think about.

I thought her parents are sending her an allowance every month, so she can basically NEET along.