Dating

[Last Sinner]

Originally Posted by synaesthetic

So what do you call a person who both wears skirts and chases skirts?

The one on top doing the licking or wearing the strap-on. ^^

[Moczo]

Originally Posted by Dextro

Either a Lesbian or a Scotsman

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

Wanting your cake and eating it too.

Originally Posted by SaintessHeart

This means that the cake is a lie.

Wouldn't that actually mean the cake is a Lesbian, though? Or, no, that means the person eating the cake is a Scotsman!

... ... ... ...


I've gone and confused myself.

[Tsuyoshi]

Originally Posted by Moczo

Wouldn't that actually mean the cake is a Lesbian, though? Or, no, that means the person eating the cake is a Scotsman!

... ... ... ...


I've gone and confused myself.

Dude, don't try to go into detail. The cake is a lie.

[whitepearl]

Originally Posted by Kakashi

Especially if the girl shows any sign whatsoever that she may be interested in you. Any subtle body language cues are a green light for you. Don't look for absolute confirmation because it's unlikely to come. Basically when you get a feeling a girl might be interested in you, presume she is and run with that.

The last time I "ran with that" with a girl who seemed to be expressing a lot of interest in me, it resulted in epic fail and a depression spell that I can't quite shake off fully.

Lesson learned: take caution when alcohol's involved.

[Kaijo]

That's the risk you take with any romantic entanglements. That's why it's so scary and difficult for us to express the love and affection we might feel for someone, and why it takes a lot of courage to do. You put your heart on the line to be honest with someone, praying that they don't smash it to pieces.

In the end, you just have to go for it. I try to be a logical guy, but love is an emotion, and a powerful one. Difficult to control. If it fails for whatever reason, allow yourself time to grieve, then pick yourself back up and move on.

Been there many times myself, and it hurts just as bad each time, but you get used to it and thus recovery time shortens. My first major love left me broken for over a year, and when I picked myself back up, the successive ones left me broken for shorter times. I think I'm down to a month now, heh.

The way I look at it now: I can either 'run with it' or forever be left wondering what might have been.

[whitepearl]

^^ I still find myself wondering "what could have been" with her. Sometimes I can suppress the pain but other days it really takes its toll.

[Kakashi]

You'll have to define what you mean when you 'ran with it'...especially given alcohol was involved, it sounds like you did something a lot more foward than simply talking to the girl?

[Samari]

Originally Posted by Kaijo

That's the risk you take with any romantic entanglements. That's why it's so scary and difficult for us to express the love and affection we might feel for someone, and why it takes a lot of courage to do. You put your heart on the line to be honest with someone, praying that they don't smash it to pieces.

In the end, you just have to go for it. I try to be a logical guy, but love is an emotion, and a powerful one. Difficult to control. If it fails for whatever reason, allow yourself time to grieve, then pick yourself back up and move on.

Been there many times myself, and it hurts just as bad each time, but you get used to it and thus recovery time shortens. My first major love left me broken for over a year, and when I picked myself back up, the successive ones left me broken for shorter times. I think I'm down to a month now, heh.

The way I look at it now: I can either 'run with it' or forever be left wondering what might have been.

What I've learned is to just be confident in your approach in the love-world. There are always other girls out there if something doesn't work out with someone. It's not the end of the world. I wish I had learned that a long time ago. Probably would have helped me out. Of course this doesn't mean be an asshole if you get shot down, it just means have an "oh well not a big deal" swagger about your game.

[Yukinokesshou]

Why would someone want to hide the fact that she has a boyfriend?

That someone is the girl I like.
And the boyfriend isn't me. They are in a long distance relationship (he's at college abroad) so I have never met him and it's easy to hide his existence.

Anyhow, I have been getting closer to her over the past few months and recently realised my feelings. I didn't know whether *she* thought of me as anything more than a friend, but I sometimes thought she did. Without giving a name to our relationship, we were essentially dating already. We've even agreed to spend Christmas Eve together.

However, she's been "busy" these past few days, and I found out (from a mutual friend) that her boyfriend has just come back from abroad to visit her. I've asked her before if she has a boyfriend, mentioned a hypothetical boyfriend in passing on numerous occasions, and she always gave evasive answers. This time, she said she was busy because her "sister's friend" was visiting.

Why does she want to hide from me the fact that she already has a boyfriend? Is she using me to fill in the gap while her boyfriend is away? (I don't know what I should think of that!) Or is she having trouble deciding who she likes? And now that I know she has a boyfriend, should anything change? Should I take a step back and stop "dating" her, have one of those "talks" with her, or enjoy it while it lasts?

Thanks

(Oh, and before you ask, it was all very innocent. The two of us are probably the shiest in our group of friends and I think that's probably why we started to spend so much time together while the others went clubbing and partying.)

[Samari]

Originally Posted by Yukinokesshou

Why would someone want to hide the fact that she has a boyfriend?

That someone is the girl I like.
And the boyfriend isn't me. They are in a long distance relationship (he's at college abroad) so I have never met him and it's easy to hide his existence.

Anyhow, I have been getting closer to her over the past few months and recently realised my feelings. I didn't know whether *she* thought of me as anything more than a friend, but I sometimes thought she did. Without giving a name to our relationship, we were essentially dating already. We've even agreed to spend Christmas Eve together.

However, she's been "busy" these past few days, and I found out (from a mutual friend) that her boyfriend has just come back from abroad to visit her. I've asked her before if she has a boyfriend, mentioned a hypothetical boyfriend in passing on numerous occasions, and she always gave evasive answers. This time, she said she was busy because her "sister's friend" was visiting.

Why does she want to hide from me the fact that she already has a boyfriend? Is she using me to fill in the gap while her boyfriend is away? (I don't know what I should think of that!) Or is she having trouble deciding who she likes? And now that I know she has a boyfriend, should anything change? Should I take a step back and stop "dating" her, have one of those "talks" with her, or enjoy it while it lasts?

Thanks

(Oh, and before you ask, it was all very innocent. The two of us are probably the shiest in our group of friends and I think that's probably why we started to spend so much time together while the others went clubbing and partying.)

Perhaps you should forget about her. Just seems like it's too much trouble. Or keep her file if she eventually gets her act together. Let her come to you. In the meantime you can look for other girls. You said you told her your feelings? I usually don't like that approach at all if you're trying to hook up. In my opinion you shouldn't have to say anything and body language should be enough. If a girl really likes me, she'll make some moves. Works every time like a charm.

[Yukinokesshou]

Originally Posted by Samari

Perhaps you should forget about her. Just seems like it's too much trouble. Or keep her file if she eventually gets her act together. Let her come to you. In the meantime you can look for other girls. You said you told her your feelings? I usually don't like that approach at all if you're trying to hook up. In my opinion you shouldn't have to say anything and body language should be enough. If a girl really likes me, she'll make some moves. Works every time like a charm.

No I haven't told her my feelings and don't plan on doing so. I've said nothing to anyone so she shouldn't know anything about what I feel. We've just... well, come closer and I began to like her more and more (that's what I meant by "realised" my feelings). And yeah, she's said things and done things that I found really sweet... until I realised...

Oh btw, when I asked whether she had a boyfriend, it was in a casual, off-handed sort of way, and this was before I started to "like" her in that way so I don't think my facial expressions were obviously implying anything.

Forgetting about her probably won't be so easy because I'm with her so often and we share the same circle of friends. It would require an obvious effort to purposely avoid her, and that would probably make her sad (and everyone else puzzled) regardless of her feelings towards me. Also, I don't "look" for girls; when love happens, it happens. Thanks for your advice though.

[zebra]

Originally Posted by Yukinokesshou

Why does she want to hide from me the fact that she already has a boyfriend? Is she using me to fill in the gap while her boyfriend is away? (I don't know what I should think of that!) Or is she having trouble deciding who she likes? And now that I know she has a boyfriend, should anything change? Should I take a step back and stop "dating" her, have one of those "talks" with her, or enjoy it while it lasts?

There are only a few options.

1) She thought of you as a friend only all along

• and has no idea.
• or noticed you might be into her and thus tried to avoid talking about her boyfriend because she didn't want to hurt you or was confused or whatever.

2) She likes you, too.

• but feels conflicted since she feels guilty because of her boyfriend.
• decided not to act on it and forget it altogether.
• and/or thinks you can't possibly like her.

She could also just see you as a nice distraction while she's alone and simply doesn't care what you feel.

However, there is no sure way of knowing. And I think you are in a bad position and should back away.
You could also confont her. Either confront her in the "why did you lie to me manner?" or casually like "funny, you never mentioned your boyfriend". It depends on the two of you but since you are friends for a while you have the right to know. Asking yourself is the only way of getting an answer. Unless you wanna use your friend circle for that

Imo it's either forget about it or clear it up. Just pretending nothing happened won't work so well. And as things stand .. you gonna be the one who gets hurt in the end. Think about what you want and what is important to you. Maybe talk about it with someone who knows the both of you.
And don't forget to prioritize yourself You did nothing wrong, it's NOT normal to never talk about your relationship. There's almost always a reason for not telling. And most of them aren't pretty.
Specially, if you get the feeling someone might be intereted in you. You usually slip "oh my boyfriend blabla" into the conversation to avoid misunderstandings.

[ChainLegacy]

Originally Posted by Yukinokesshou

No I haven't told her my feelings and don't plan on doing so. I've said nothing to anyone so she shouldn't know anything about what I feel. We've just... well, come closer and I began to like her more and more (that's what I meant by "realised" my feelings). And yeah, she's said things and done things that I found really sweet... until I realised...

Oh btw, when I asked whether she had a boyfriend, it was in a casual, off-handed sort of way, and this was before I started to "like" her in that way so I don't think my facial expressions were obviously implying anything.

Forgetting about her probably won't be so easy because I'm with her so often and we share the same circle of friends. It would require an obvious effort to purposely avoid her, and that would probably make her sad (and everyone else puzzled) regardless of her feelings towards me. Also, I don't "look" for girls; when love happens, it happens. Thanks for your advice though.

I would frankly ask her why she didn't tell you she had a boyfriend, in a manner that doesn't suggest any aggression or anger but enough firmness to get the truth. What it sounds like to me is she either is using you for the void when her BF is away or is thinking of breaking it off with her boyfriend for you. Forgetting about it or avoiding her aren't going to solve your problem imo, just go for the question and see if there is any interest there. If there isn't move on, if there is she's going to have to choose her boyfriend or you and stop stringing you along.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Yukinokesshou

No I haven't told her my feelings and don't plan on doing so. I've said nothing to anyone so she shouldn't know anything about what I feel. We've just... well, come closer and I began to like her more and more (that's what I meant by "realised" my feelings). And yeah, she's said things and done things that I found really sweet... until I realised...

Oh btw, when I asked whether she had a boyfriend, it was in a casual, off-handed sort of way, and this was before I started to "like" her in that way so I don't think my facial expressions were obviously implying anything.

Forgetting about her probably won't be so easy because I'm with her so often and we share the same circle of friends. It would require an obvious effort to purposely avoid her, and that would probably make her sad (and everyone else puzzled) regardless of her feelings towards me. Also, I don't "look" for girls; when love happens, it happens. Thanks for your advice though.

I'm going to agree with everyone else here. You're in a position where, quite frankly, you have every right to ask her why she didn't tell you that she was meeting with her boyfriend, especially considering how she was acting around you before he came back around. The trick is to simply ask, and to do it in a way that doesn't imply that you're angry (even if you are), because she'll be more open to you if she senses you aren't mad at her... too much, anyway. There could be any number of reasons why she didn't tell you (which Zebra already beat me to; damn you, Zebra! ), but you'll never know for sure unless you talk to her about it. Once you two have discussed it, you can decide what you should do from there.

[Kafriel]

"How was your day hun?"
"Oh, it was swell, I sealed a deal of over 9k and the boss was happy with me, he was!"
"That's great, dear. So, I went to the market, and I remember I had forgotten to ask you something today, how come you didn't tell me about your bf?" -indifferent look-

[Magin]

Add another one to the "confront her about her boyfriend" party. Don't go accusing her and everything, but definitely talk to her about the subject. After that... well, it might be an idea to just move on. Go through a little pain now instead of dragging things on and causing a mountain of pain for yourself.

[Yukinokesshou]

Zebra, ChainLegacy, RadiantBeam and Magin:
Thank you all so much for your advice!! I really appreciate it
So in short, I guess I have no choice but to talk with her about it.

RadiantBeam, Magin: Honestly speaking, I'm not angry. I don't see how I could be angry. I like her too much to ever be angry with her. More than anything else, I just want her to be happy

Zebra: Thanks for the list of possibilities. It does help to sort things out and I think a few of them might apply to us.

ChainLegacy: The thing is, even if she is "thinking of breaking it off with her boyfriend for me", I don't know whether I'd be able to feel secure in this potential relationship. After all, the same thing could happen to me (given our circumstances, a long-distance relationship will be inevitable in a couple of years).

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Yukinokesshou

RadiantBeam, Magin: Honestly speaking, I'm not angry. I don't see how I could be angry. I like her too much to ever be angry with her. More than anything else, I just want her to be happy

Not angry, maybe, but I definitely sense some hurt in your posts; all I'm saying is to keep calm when you discuss it with her, if you ever do. Emotions have a nasty way of coming to the surface when you least expect them to.

[Samari]

Originally Posted by Yukinokesshou

Forgetting about her probably won't be so easy because I'm with her so often and we share the same circle of friends. It would require an obvious effort to purposely avoid her, and that would probably make her sad (and everyone else puzzled) regardless of her feelings towards me. Also, I don't "look" for girls; when love happens, it happens. Thanks for your advice though.

Never said it would be easy. I'm just saying for me, if a girl is acting shady and/or doesn't seem interested, I'm not going to try and keep poking and prodding at her hoping something positive will happen...in most cases she'll just get annoyed. I guess what I'm saying is that I back off and see how she responds. If she changes her attitude, then great. If she continues to show no interest it wasn't meant to be, and there is nothing you can or should have to do to change her mind. Of course you don't have to "look" for women...but it's going to be a lot slower in my opinion if you don't take some initiative to get to know others. But it's your life, so I'll just drop it.

[Kaijo]

Long-distance relationships are hard for a reason. You need the person there to really share things with, and without that, a person is more prone to wander. This is what she's doing; without him around, she's filling an emotional void with you. It could also be called "emotional cheating."

On the other hand, she hasn't told you about her boyfriend, so a part of her is playing the field, keeping her options open. Keep this in mind if an opportunity to get into a relationship with her comes along. And if you do keep seeing her and she does have some feelings for you, a temptation will come along; decide in advance how you want to handle it.

Lastly, I'm going to be one of the ones that partially disagrees with the rest about talking to her. Let her come to you about it. She'll probably just think you're snooping on her life if you bring it up; girls tend to do that when you tell them something you found out about them that they were trying to hide from you.

If it were me, I wouldn't say anything, but I wouldn't encourage anything. If she blatantly admits feelings or makes a move, then I'd ask if she was seeing anyone. The point would be to see how trustworthy she could be. Then I'd bring up the issue with a friend of hers.

Whatever you do, plan for every contingency, and decide in advance how you want to handle it, so you're not left vulnerable when something happens.