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Old 2012-08-11, 10:42   Link #10601
Tigress
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: The Abyss
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Life's too short ^.^

Yes i would be inclined to say the same if we had gone to the next level. It was never a serious thing to begin with since we put ourselves on trial you could say. I think if it was left to him we would have rushed into something more but I was more careful because of my inital doubts. We talked for hours about it all beforhand and we talked for hours when it ended. I think our situation was quite rare to begin with. We've been friends since we were 13 or 14 and did a lot together. Lots of people think that a relationship like that is cute and should work out romantically and well this did not. ^.^
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Old 2012-08-11, 12:09   Link #10602
csuree
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it is good that you all went back to the pleasant situation that was before. i'm happy that it did not turn out awkward or anything beyond(yeah boys tend to rush things).

indeed in most of the cases the "osananajimi" pairs tend to work out but that is not 100%.....
about how you tell things i really think that in mind you are more mature than biologically. Composed, calm, firm i hope you will find a suitable guy.

one more question....i hope the laughing it off part wasn't the type like in animes, with the weird smile? because sometimes people get this tingling feeling when they nervously deny something that it is their real desire.

i know some of these situations....my high school crush coupled up with my friend and he apologized to me saying that he hopes that this won't bring me down... and i nervously laughed it off saying it is nothing...but in reality.....i better not tell this... those who read some of my post can guess how was i until graduation...

so Tigress chin up, chest out (not in the H way - i know you'd give me a look like this ) i can only say it, there are some real good guys out there and the one meant for you might be just on its way to meet you.


ohh i almost forgot...i also came here for some advice, or more like suggestion.:
can you give me advice on how to get friends? you just talk to people and hang out with them and eventually it will be a stronger bond or is it a more specific process....
i know i know i should think less about stuff like these, but honestly i never made as in "i made a friend", i just drifted along a group that seemed to be my type.....is that odd? my opinion is that it is.

i came to this after a little self- analysis and i kinda found that i might not be able to hook up girls cause i'm socially "inept", and i deduced that it is because recently i am not part of any friend group to hang out and socialize....

and yeah i said that i went out in town to try myself out but walking alone in a park full of groups of people having fun, laughing made me feel lonely, but i couldn't come up with any way to make friends.....makes me wonder a bit more about how bad i am........ but i said i won't bring myself down and keep my spirit up, but also i'd like a little help

thank you in advance.
i will be home this week-end..... i wanted to go stargazing to the nearby hills but it became cloudy.....
Wow...i just realized.....i don't really know how many times i planned out something and it went anything but what i had planned....
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Old 2012-08-11, 12:34   Link #10603
Ledgem
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Originally Posted by csuree View Post
can you give me advice on how to get friends? you just talk to people and hang out with them and eventually it will be a stronger bond or is it a more specific process....
That's basically all that it is. It can be difficult for people who like to spend a lot of time to themselves. Friendships also alter when you start dating (with some exceptions).

For example, there was one guy who was very persistent about spending time with me. He would always be the one to come by my apartment, to message me, and to call me. It's not that I didn't like him, but if it had been left up to me, we probably never would have become friends. However, because of his persistence, he became a part of my group of friends.

I did something similar in building up a group of friends. There were some guys who I got along with pretty well, but we were little more than acquaintances. I began calling them often to have lunch or dinner together, and then it became a regular thing for all of us. You spend time with people, you get to know them, they get to know you, and you can go farther from there.

I encountered problems when I began dating, though. My friends were used to spending a lot of time together, but I had to split my time between them and my girlfriend. As a result, I was increasingly left out of their activities. I was able to maintain my friendship with another friend who was also dating, however, as we could do things together while bringing out girlfriends along, and our expectations regarding time commitment (as well as the general directions of our lives) were similar. The transition doesn't always have to be so rough, it's just a matter of friends' expectations and activities.

I will admit that at this point - being very busy, and being married to a woman who I want to spend nearly all of my free time with - I don't have many strong friendships. I don't do things with people outside of my work, and as such I haven't had the opportunity to form stronger bonds. If I were single I'd probably try to reach out to people a bit more.

How do you find friends as a professional? Co-workers and interest groups (hobbyist clubs) seem like a good place to start.
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Old 2012-08-11, 13:04   Link #10604
MUAHAHAHAHAHA
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Originally Posted by csuree View Post

ohh i almost forgot...i also came here for some advice, or more like suggestion.:
can you give me advice on how to get friends? you just talk to people and hang out with them and eventually it will be a stronger bond or is it a more specific process....
Yes, just talk. Do not try too hard. Be casual. Also, do not try hard to please or impress your new friends. If you are trying to be someone you are not, your guise will be seen and they won't be mightily impressed with that. Don't care too much about their judgement, because once you are nervous, your body language will show when you are interacting. To start a conversation, just make small talks, perhaps about the weather.

If you have a particular hobby, you might consider joining a society. For instance, if you like photography, and you join the local society, it will be easier to make friends since you have similar interest and starting a conversation should not be hard or awkward.

Oh, a smile will always do the trick
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Old 2012-08-11, 13:38   Link #10605
Tigress
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Quote:
Originally Posted by csuree View Post
it is good that you all went back to the pleasant situation that was before. i'm happy that it did not turn out awkward or anything beyond(yeah boys tend to rush things).

indeed in most of the cases the "osananajimi" pairs tend to work out but that is not 100%.....
about how you tell things i really think that in mind you are more mature than biologically. Composed, calm, firm i hope you will find a suitable guy.

one more question....i hope the laughing it off part wasn't the type like in animes, with the weird smile? because sometimes people get this tingling feeling when they nervously deny something that it is their real desire.

i know some of these situations....my high school crush coupled up with my friend and he apologized to me saying that he hopes that this won't bring me down... and i nervously laughed it off saying it is nothing...but in reality.....i better not tell this... those who read some of my post can guess how was i until graduation...

so Tigress chin up, chest out (not in the H way - i know you'd give me a look like this ) i can only say it, there are some real good guys out there and the one meant for you might be just on its way to meet you.

Heee, of course not. Laughing it off was due to the conversation we had. In the middle of a normal evening: "Do you think this being together as more than friends is working out?" and he said "Well I am not sure what I expected BUT..." Those are not the exact words, it was a lot more casual. I agreed with what he had to say and then we went on to make fun of the situation. The awkward moments got snickered at. It is all cool. Don't worry. ^.^

Sometimes I think that I am incredibly immature, so thank you. I believe that there is one person out there for all of us. ^.^ If i thought he was the ONE and i thought it could really work i would not let him go like that. I am a hopeless romantic.
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Old 2012-08-11, 14:43   Link #10606
csuree
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"I am a hopeless romantic."

it is not just you....i had that comment at my last workplace.....

idk.... i may be old fashioned but a colleague said to me that i should have been born in the late 19th century for i would have been the dream guy of any girl back then..

i must say it really made me happy, but also to be like that in the 21st century is a bit embarrassing.

i am the kind of guy who would not just pick up girls....i am kind of like an explorer on a new continent. i want to know the girl better to understand her, to be able to talk to her. i have a great respect for women, i always try my best not to be rude to them. and i ususally do't judge them by what others say

by the way, i will tell the story of my almost girlfriend. 1.5 years ago, there was a girl who was said to be the "slut" of the factory. actually i have no idea about this, but one day she was doing something that had a great resemblance to how a cook handles cookies, and i made a funny remark about it, she was only a stranger then but i took a liking to her, and made that small comment. after that i still don't know how ended up talking more and more frequently, by the time a month passed by we reached to trust each other (who wouldn't trust an honest innocent boy like me ), our encounters got to the poit when she came to my workstation she often went a bit physical , meaning she sat so close we felt each other, she put her thighs over mine, and stuff that lovers do (cuddling up i mean there was nowhre a kiss ).
i was at a loss a bit, i never went to such levels with anyone and bammmm now ....it was something new... i did not want to spoil it so i did not say anything about it....i liked it too.....we talked a lot but only at work... i tried to call her out to dates but she was always busy. but at work things were the same. after some time i heard from her about the slut stuff....and how others are jealous of her. i pushed her a bit to become my girl, (no it wasn't too fast ....2 months have passed since first encounter) but she did not say anything.... after a while she was moved to another shift by HER request.....
i was a bit angry and upset so i kinda like avoided her. after a few weeks she came to me...to ask about me being angry at her and that kind.....

now pay attention this is where i think i screwed up: "No i am not angry at you or anything i was just busy with my work" - the truth was the opposite.
"really?"
"yeah really."

don't ever make this mistake.....tell her in a mannered mode that you are a bit upset. don't hide it.

and we kinda like went back to talking and all but this time i kept a bit my distance and always avoided getting physical... she was just toying with me cuz she saw the good in me.
reason: with other guys she went out to party and all but for me there was no time...

this is the reason why i think i've become a bit hostile to pretty and bedazzling girls. i try to avoid them, to not take advantage of my personality....honestly i was so shaken up by this... i thought that after years of unsuccessful attempts i will find happiness... but i was just a toy.
so i have reservations when talking to girls......i learned that even with the looks of an angel they can be as bad as the devil. although she was a 6.8 on a 10 scale so i did not went for a supermodel... i went for the cute girl...

my bad....but i had it similar with male friends of mine who used me and my kindness, so it was jus another failure of mine to live in this shitty world.....

honestly where are the virtues of the past? honesty, justice honor, kindness? they went extinct after the two world wars?

so as my colleague said it i should have been born 100-150 years earlier. but i still have my hopes up that i will find in this" rotten field a flower that blooms", even if all else near her is getting tainted, i hope i will find a kind-hearted girl who is honest , lovable and sees the world in pink like i do many times...

all is not lost....until there is 1 man fighting for the virtues of the past, nothing is forgotten,


PS: when i get down, a bit i bring my spirit up with this song: "INNA - Sun is Up" very good song, search it it might cheer you up a bit....to me it give an energy dose.
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Last edited by csuree; 2012-08-11 at 14:54.
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Old 2012-08-11, 15:46   Link #10607
Ledgem
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Quote:
Originally Posted by csuree View Post
and we kinda like went back to talking and all but this time i kept a bit my distance and always avoided getting physical... she was just toying with me cuz she saw the good in me.
reason: with other guys she went out to party and all but for me there was no time...
Who says she was "toying" with you? Maybe she liked you as a friend but didn't want to go any farther than that. You always have to respect that a girl might not be attracted to you. It doesn't mean that you're an unattractive person or that you'll never be able to date anyone, it just means that the chemistry wasn't working out for that particular girl. You shouldn't be surprised if that happens often, either. Just keep trying to improve yourself and your techniques, and keep trying in general.
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Old 2012-08-11, 16:31   Link #10608
Tigress
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Quote:
Originally Posted by csuree View Post
"I am a hopeless romantic."

it is not just you....i had that comment at my last workplace.....

idk.... i may be old fashioned but a colleague said to me that i should have been born in the late 19th century for i would have been the dream guy of any girl back then..

i must say it really made me happy, but also to be like that in the 21st century is a bit embarrassing.

i am the kind of guy who would not just pick up girls....i am kind of like an explorer on a new continent. i want to know the girl better to understand her, to be able to talk to her. i have a great respect for women, i always try my best not to be rude to them. and i ususally do't judge them by what others say.
I don't think that you should be embarrassed about that. There are lots of girls out there who go for guys who want to know them on a real level first. There is just more of the other type. There are lots of the bad girls who like the sex without commitment and discard the boy when done. It works on both sides because of how society is tuned and how people are expected to act. It is embarrassing to tell someone you are a virgin in today's society too and that should be a personal choice not forced.

Some people tell me I would make the perfect wifey. I don't care maybe it's a compliment in its own right although meant as an insult. Everyone goes through a period of what you are going through. ^.^

Oh and bolded part. You will find someone. The right kind of person is rare for everyone but you will know when you find her. I wish you so much luck in finding a suitable partner. I think you have a big heart and it will happen. ^.^
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Old 2012-08-11, 16:45   Link #10609
NorthernFallout
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While I surely don't have as much experience as other posters, this does sound like a symptom of "Nice Guy" syndrome, which I'm quite familiar with myself, in that you might put women "on a pedestal". Though in this case it might be that your values clash with theirs, which isn't unusual. Perhaps you are looking in the wrong places because while there is a girl out there that would respond well to that, they might not be in the place you're looking.

And hey, at least you have the courage to initiate conversation and act upon your words. I might be able to keep a convo going for a start, but I've never approached anyone in a conventional manner. I'm an extremely good listener, but an extremely bad conversationalist with people I've just met due to shyness and hefted tongue.
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Old 2012-08-11, 18:08   Link #10610
Tigress
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I am going to make a point and you guys might not like. But I will do it anyway.

Nice guy syndrome seems to come about when guys try to get girls who are clearly out of their league and usually those girls like badboys. I don't look like a model or anything since I fall under "okay looking" and I am happy that I am just me so dont think this is a superficial statement.

A slightly nerdy but cute guy who thinks he is robert pattinson or someone approaches hottest woman in the room. He makes conversation but she isn't buying it. Maybe she accepts a drink and makes conversation but she isn't into that guy really and he thinks if he could be more assertive he would get her. It is not always the case.

The pretty girl on the other side of the room is probably the one they should be approaching rather than the one with fake hair and nails and too much makeup. Hee ^.^

I see it a lot when I am out. I can be a little superficial myself sometimes when it comes to certain things. I think totally hot guys are out of my league but as example if someone has poor hygiene they are not getting anywhere. yuck.
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Old 2012-08-11, 19:13   Link #10611
DonQuigleone
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tigress View Post
I am going to make a point and you guys might not like. But I will do it anyway.

Nice guy syndrome seems to come about when guys try to get girls who are clearly out of their league and usually those girls like badboys. I don't look like a model or anything since I fall under "okay looking" and I am happy that I am just me so dont think this is a superficial statement.

A slightly nerdy but cute guy who thinks he is robert pattinson or someone approaches hottest woman in the room. He makes conversation but she isn't buying it. Maybe she accepts a drink and makes conversation but she isn't into that guy really and he thinks if he could be more assertive he would get her. It is not always the case.
No such thing as "out of your league". She'll only be "out of your league" if you think she is, and act like she is.

If you act like she is your equal, she'll come around. Or she just won't be in to you.

That said, if you're obese, or physically deformed, it might be tricky, but not too tricky if you make sure to ignore the physical difference.

If you think she's above you, why should she disagree? And why should you expect her to go out with someone beneath her?
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Old 2012-08-11, 19:55   Link #10612
whitepearl
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Originally Posted by Tigress View Post
Update on my situation. I am not upset about this. I am quite contented. ^.^

So all in all it didn't work out. But I do believe that it has worked out far better than if I had said no in the first place. The kissing and cuddling stuff was all aok but anytime it got a little further than that we would both just start giggling. It was too awkward and we agreed to put it down to an experience and go back to how we were as friends and he said he is glad we did try it.

I have not lost a friend at all. It's a relief really and tbh I decided to give it a go since I would probably regret not giving him a chance. He thought that since we got on so well and he also found me physically attractive that it would be enough. It is my opinion that we may get along TOO well. We are more like family than someone that could be lovers.

I would have hated it to have come between us. Had we become lovers and then split, it would have been much rather to return to friend status. That is why we took it slowly since there was far to much to loose.

We have talked and we have laughed about it all. End of a chapter. ^.^
In the long run, it won't feel so bad. Like you said, you still have a friendship and being able to laugh it off is better than being filled with regrets.
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Old 2012-08-12, 08:36   Link #10613
Tigress
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@ Don. I know I am not exactly the most goodlooking person. I accept my limitations.
It's not a confidence thing. I just know where I stand.

@whitepearl. Exactly ^.^
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Old 2012-08-13, 06:03   Link #10614
csuree
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about this came to my mind a good movie.. it is kinda low budget movie but the message is the main reason why i feel like attracted to it. the title:

She's out of my league

i will say this like a trailer: guy meets girl, he thinks he's not worthy for her, she thinks he is a nice guy.....

for the rest, just watch it. i really felt like connected cuz the MC is a bit like me.

another thing about "our looks"......until recently i thought of myself the same way.... "i know my limitations and i know i'm not a very handsome guy" i said it many times.

but these days i don't know how but i heard from many (not just a few) girls, indirectly through talking to someone, that those girls think i am a good-looking guy.....it seriously put me to re-think how i see myself. until now i said i'm ugly, i don't have the looks, but it seems that girls think differently.

probably you also need someone to say to you that you are indeed a gorgeous girl, and after you will hear this from total strangers then you will re-think it, like i did.

i would like you to share a picture if you can....so i can give you my opinion. as for me... i have a pic on my profile page but i will post 1 here as soon as i am home.

really looks do not matter when it comes to love,

just a quote: "you are beautiful no matter what they say (in every single way) i don't know what song was it from...but i know the lyrics"

honestly don't settle for the mediocre when you can get to the top.......your way of thinking about your looks is negative..... try it in a positive manner:
negative: i don't look good enough, i know my limitations
positive: i look good enough to overcome these limitations.

try it.... after i heard from those girls about me i started to be more concerned about looking good (not to the extreme - just normally....being freshly shaved, my hair done, more careful about personal hygiene) not that i did not care until then, but more like instead of taking 5 minutes to arrange myself, i take now an extra 2-3 minutes to be sure i do not miss anything.

i say it now, don't be so pessimistic......post a picture... and if it turns out that you are beautiful, and you are my type too, then it will be hard for you to get rid of me :P :P

take care,
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Old 2012-08-13, 09:16   Link #10615
Ledgem
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Originally Posted by csuree View Post
really looks do not matter when it comes to love,
I agree and disagree. When you're in a loving relationship, your partner will likely find you attractive because of their feelings for you (and vice versa). However, you have to get into a relationship first. Making yourself as physically attractive as possible is a way to cause others to give you a second look, or at the very least, to not write you off immediately. It maintains the window of opportunity to charm them or to have them learn more about you, all while still considering your potential for a relationship.
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Old 2012-08-13, 13:33   Link #10616
csuree
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Well you are right about that too, but i saw many guys who really looked like sh!t and they were with a girlfriend that my jaw just dropped down.. and this is beginning to be common occurence around this part.

so i promised i'd post some pictures about myself

this is me 2008
please mind that i was doing my best for these shots


and this is me in summer 2010



so i'm ready to accept some comments but i know what you will say... "you look very ok. honestly i know that....

looks are important to only a certain degree....what matters is what you have in your head and heart.
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Old 2012-08-13, 14:09   Link #10617
Paradoxine
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tigress View Post
I am going to make a point and you guys might not like. But I will do it anyway.

Nice guy syndrome seems to come about when guys try to get girls who are clearly out of their league and usually those girls like badboys. I don't look like a model or anything since I fall under "okay looking" and I am happy that I am just me so dont think this is a superficial statement.

A slightly nerdy but cute guy who thinks he is robert pattinson or someone approaches hottest woman in the room. He makes conversation but she isn't buying it. Maybe she accepts a drink and makes conversation but she isn't into that guy really and he thinks if he could be more assertive he would get her. It is not always the case.

The pretty girl on the other side of the room is probably the one they should be approaching rather than the one with fake hair and nails and too much makeup. Hee ^.^

I see it a lot when I am out. I can be a little superficial myself sometimes when it comes to certain things. I think totally hot guys are out of my league but as example if someone has poor hygiene they are not getting anywhere. yuck.
I don't think girls don't like nice guys so much as they don't like boring guys. Besides that, you probably have a point. In any case, I probably shouldn't even be in this thread because I haven't been concerned with finding a 'partner' for years. I thought It was just worth pointing out.

Finally, I'm going to draw on one of your points about the so called 'Out of his/her league' factor. There are no league's. There is simply what you have to offer a potential partner and whether they want it. For those mathematically inclined, think of it as an equation where:

What you can offer >= What they want

Whether this is looks, social status, entertainment, comfort, respite from loneliness, financial security, don't fool yourself into thinking that the other party is the problem when you just aren't cutting it.
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Old 2012-08-13, 17:13   Link #10618
DonQuigleone
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Originally Posted by Paradoxine View Post
Finally, I'm going to draw on one of your points about the so called 'Out of his/her league' factor. There are no league's. There is simply what you have to offer a potential partner and whether they want it. For those mathematically inclined, think of it as an equation where:

What you can offer >= What they want

Whether this is looks, social status, entertainment, comfort, respite from loneliness, financial security, don't fool yourself into thinking that the other party is the problem when you just aren't cutting it.
I think this is a good way of putting it. What is worth remembering is that you can never be too sure of what exactly the other person wants, so you should talk to them anyway and find out. Assume nothing! Maybe you're exactly what they're looking for, maybe you're not.

A corollary to this is that if you don't think you have anything to offer anyone, you should probably try to work on that fact before going on to the dating scene. If you don't think you have anything to offer, don't expect anyone to take pity on you. Such angelic women(and men) exist only in the realms of Anime.

Have confidence that you have something to offer any person you might meet. Most people don't want much more then a good conversationalist who can make them laugh.
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Old 2012-08-13, 20:20   Link #10619
Ledgem
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Originally Posted by csuree View Post
Well you are right about that too, but i saw many guys who really looked like sh!t and they were with a girlfriend that my jaw just dropped down.. and this is beginning to be common occurence around this part.
Everyone has different standards. You never know, also: some relationships have interesting circumstances behind them. A girl may have been at a low point and the guy just happened to be in the right place at the right time, with the right words. The big point is, looking your best can only help you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by csuree View Post
so i promised i'd post some pictures about myself
It takes a lot of bravery to put photos of yourself online, in front of an anonymous audience, so I'll comment. To be perfectly honest, based on your photos, when I see guys like you I tend to assume that most women find them attractive. Granted, the way you move and behave play another large role in how you come across to others, and obviously we can't get a sense of that from the photos. But good for you - that's one thing you don't have to worry about!
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Old 2012-08-13, 21:57   Link #10620
ChainLegacy
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Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
I encountered problems when I began dating, though. My friends were used to spending a lot of time together, but I had to split my time between them and my girlfriend. As a result, I was increasingly left out of their activities. I was able to maintain my friendship with another friend who was also dating, however, as we could do things together while bringing out girlfriends along, and our expectations regarding time commitment (as well as the general directions of our lives) were similar. The transition doesn't always have to be so rough, it's just a matter of friends' expectations and activities.
One of my closer friends was just married this weekend and my other has a girlfriend now for quite some time. Made me feel a little silly pursuing my casual liaisons when I realized I was at my buddy's wedding reception... Though I wouldn't be able to spend nearly the same amount of time with these friends as in the past, it certainly makes me think. I figured 23 was young for all this but apparently not within my circle. I'll have to play catch up somehow
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