Dating

[Shiemi]

Originally Posted by Sakura_Kinomoto

thanks a little advice is better than no advice Its been 3 weeks and i still havent even talked to jamie and well jess...shes in love with someone else a guy like me has no chance with a girl but ill keep my info up to date here...oh btw creams didnt work pills kinda did but now my back looks like the moon another turn of for girls....ill try a little confidence but i dont know..thanks again

You shouldn't think like that. That kind of thinking can lead to disaster. I'm "talking" to you from experience. I always had my share of "suitors" that I rejected because I was too picky and they were just... in my teenage years. In fact, I still dated guys that were just... (flunking classes, no goals, runaways, etc) No wonder my parents never liked my bfs! But you know, none of these guys was perfect and the guy with whom I lasted longest in a bf/gf relationship had acne, but he was very sweet and caring, even if he had no specific goals in life in a sense. He drives trucks now and has a wife and three kids, even though he is very plump and still gets acne.

In my case, in my early twenties I developed extremely bad acne. The guy that was my hugest crush ever kindly rejected me. (Yes, I actually confessed via love letter. ) Didn't last even two months and a half with another guy because he told me I didn't turn him on and then, my self-esteem crashed. I met then the guy I married. He had lots of issues and was extremely cold, volatile, and violent even against his mother. I was extremely afraid of him, but I thought that with my bad acne, no other guy would ever want me and this guy said that he loved me, even if my face looked so horrid along with many parts of my body, including my back, like in your case. (He actually said that too about my body and always pointed my imperfections to hurt me. )

Anyway, I married this guy due to my low self-esteem issues and this decision only led me to lots and lots of suffering in his hands with violence against me, his mother, and then our daughters. In the end, we split after a death threat because I got even more scared and couldn't handle it any longer.

You're still quite young. You can visit a dermatologist if you think your acne is too severe, but don't let the issue put you down. Plus, not all girls are as shallow as to just reject you due to those issues so don't think you have no chance. You can also try seeing a counselor. Sometimes that helps.

Good luck with trying to gain confidence!

[Fome]

Originally Posted by Sakura_Kinomoto

and B) becasue a guy i thought was a friend told her i only went out with because i wanted sexual relations with her, now i dont even talk to her

I don't know about you, but I would have killed that guy. What a douchbag.

[ChibiMenos]

Originally Posted by Sakura_Kinomoto

*sigh*well im only 16 years old and ive had my heart broken many times just the other week my Best friend Jamie asked me out and well i said yes because we were always spending time with each other and i thought we were perfect for each other things went welll at first but then she started acting funny annd a few weeks later just after her birthday she broke up with me for 2 reasons A) beacause i was moving to fast *all i had done was held her hand we hadnt even kissed except for cheek pek*and B) becasue a guy i thought was a friend told her i only went out with because i wanted sexual relations with her, now i dont even talk to her.....My heart was broken...again and whats worse is that the one girl ive always loved secretly, Jess is in a relationship from which she will never leave... Im 16 my back and chest is covered with acne scars im really skinny i watch Star Trek and Stargate and i absolutley love Anime/manga it seems that the only chance i get at happiness to do with love is from watching love in Anime....I just dont know wether to give up on love forever , ive been hurt that many times

Well, first of all I think 16 might be a little young to be giving up entirely. I know at least for me 16 was a very moody time... and if I'd given up on guys at that point, I never would have gotten to date anyone at all. (My first time going out with a guy wasn't even until this spring--and I had to ask him. But that's getting a little off-topic.) Just keep in mind that at this point, as a teenager, it doesn't matter so much--after all, hardly anyone ever ends up marrying the person they were with in high school, thanks to going to different colleges and stuff. So the most important thing to remember is to have fun and practice interacting with girls so that when you get a bit older and if you ever decide you want a permanent relationship, you'll be able to make that one work.

Okay, second, I can think of a couple of things you might have done wrong. You didn't give too many details, but here are my theories of why Jamie may have decided she didn't want to go out with you anymore. "Moving too fast" doesn't only extend to physical relations--it can als be a number of other things. Like wanting to see the girl too often, or talking to her every day on the phone, or calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend too early, or asking her too many questions about what she's doing, or being extremely jealous and posessive around other guys. All of these can be overwhelming for a girl, who may feel that you're smothering her and trying to take over her life. If you come across as controlling and demanding, or needy, she's not likely to want to stay with you. (Actually this is true for both guys and girls... imagine a girl who wouldn't give you any time to be yourself.) Also, giving gifts--especially expensive ones--or refusing to let her pay for dates (though you should never expect her to), can be somewhat of a turnoff for some girls...they might feel as if they are not being given respect, or as if you feel you have to "buy" the time you spend with them. Or worse, you might start worrying the same thing (does she really like me or is she just spending time with me because I guy her stuff). And to top it all off, for a guy at your age, spending money on a girl is really not the best idea financially...you should instead be saving for college, or if that is not in your plans, at least save your income towards an apartment when you are old enough to move out. If you must give a girl a gift, keep it small and thoughtful--nothing over $25 is a pretty good rule when you're starting out. (But don't be obviously cheap, either, another problem...)

Also, you say that because a friend told her something (was it true, btw?), you have not been talking to her? Obviously if she asked you out, she felt some attraction towards you--it's just as hard for girls to ask guys out as the other way around, maybe a little harder because the opposite is usually the expectation... she wouldn't do that if she didn't care about you and want to spend time with you, especially since it sounds like you guys were already friends. So WHY in the world are you not talking to her now? Is it embarassment? Put it this way.... do you really want to lose that friendship you have had with her? She has already risked her feelings once to ask you out...she's not going to do it again. She may even think that you are upset with her, despite the fact that it should be the other way around... Girls are complicated creatures, but just put yourself in her shoes and try to figure out what she's thinking right now. It's possible (and I think likely) that even if she doesn't see you as anything like a potential boyfriend right now, she may at least want to still be friends. I would suggest trying to be friends with her again--just keep things moving slow, and don't seem desperate. Maybe if you are having a party or something with a lot of friends, make sure she is invited too. Simple stuff.

As for the acne...that's not such a big deal. It can be a turnoff for some, but there are plenty of girls who have horrible acne--myself included. Bacne and a bit on my face, with some nasty scarring. Luckily I discovered coverup early on, but even though I am a confident person, I still hate being seen in a swimsuit. It seems like acne is a bigger problem for the people who have it, though, than for the people they think will care. After all, most people have acne at one time or another, even if you can't see the results. I personally think that you're pretty lucky to have it only on your back and chest and not your face. (And yes, pills from the dermatologist work wonders--I haven't been taking mine, though, because I really don't care anymore. It's just not a big deal for me after nearly 8 years, ya know?) What's really important isn't the acne or scarring, but whether or not you are fit and healthy, and a kind person. If someone is a bad-tempered blob of lard (not saying you are of course, just as an example) then the most perfect skin in the world can't save him. On the other hand, a nice guy with a good body, who just happens to have some bad acne scars, is much more likely to get the girl.

With the Stargate and Star Trek and anime and manga thing... I'm not sure what you're trying to say, but it sounds as if maybe you are worried that girls won't like you because of your interests? 'Cause that is totally, totally wrong. Some girls might be a little weirded out--but do you really want to be spending time with a girl who can't understand the stuff you like? There are plenty of girls who are into the exact same stuff, and in my experience they will actually tend to gravitate toward guys with similar interests. After all, there's nothing more fun than having that same background so when you're out walking around, and one of you goes "OMG that lady's walking a Tribble!" the other knows exactly what you're talking about, and finds it just as funny as you do.^^

So, don't worry, don't stress out, and don't give up too easily. Best of luck to you!

[Shinoto]

Originally Posted by Sakura_Kinomoto

thanks a little advice is better than no advice Its been 3 weeks and i still havent even talked to jamie and well jess...shes in love with someone else a guy like me has no chance with a girl but ill keep my info up to date here...oh btw creams didnt work pills kinda did but now my back looks like the moon another turn of for girls....ill try a little confidence but i dont know..thanks again

So she is dating someone else now? So pretty much she tried to blame you so she could get out of it...without feeling guilty by saying you were moving to fast. Not to mention being stupid enough to listen to someone else without even asking you it seems...and to be pretty dam honest here. A Girl or Guy who gets into a relationship without even considering the thought of sex is probably stupid.
Again I said this a few months to someone else in this thread...normally I just lurk lol. But Im going out a limb here and say you got out earlier from a total *****. From the sound of it...You did nothing wrong and she...really the only word to sum it up is *****. Sounds like she didn't think much of you but you were conveniant at the time for her. Or the fact that she cares more about what someone else says then what you say without even really trying to see if it is true or not. I can not say she is worth the time too.

[Sakura_Kinomoto]

Thanks for all the advice guys ill try to explain things we began our relationship as would any couple , we sent little love notes to each other via email or draw pictures for each other. i would occasionaly hold her hand or put my arm around and i would tell her how cute/beautful she looked. I would ring her maybe every 4 or 5 days i didnt think that was very often because i didnt want to seem demanding. I did call her my Girl Friend but well she called me her boyfriend. It was near her birthday so i had forked out alot of money to give her a B-day/personal gift from myself it was a necklace that cut deep into my money lol. mabye that might have been a problem spending a bit like that on her.

And what the other guy, Beau said it wasnt true i didnt think of her that way i mean sex hadnt crossed my thought path even once. plus her mum would murder me. I dont know why im not talking to her now but i think it has to do nwith nervousness and just how i feel around her now + she has started spending alot of time with Beau who might i add i hate his guts * to Fome* yes i do believe he is a douchebag and i wanted to kill him i have been in my fair share of fights but im not the strongest chip off the block. neways where was i didnt want to lose my friendship with her at first but now it seems we have just drifted apart.

With my acne aswell lol it isnt ur ordinary every day Acne ill take a pic and post it when my camera's working and ull see how bad it is.

And about my interests i dont know where u are lol but where i am i have to be the only guy who is into that stuff and well while i do consider myself a romantic ** ive done my fair share of love letters and romantic gifts** i dont exactly consider myself the greatest suitor or one that girls would go after. I honestly did all i could to try to make her feel comfortable in our relationship but i guess i failed but who knows maybe with u guys here i might be able to dabble my toes back in the pond in a little while

Originally Posted by Shiemi

You shouldn't think like that. That kind of thinking can lead to disaster. I'm "talking" to you from experience. I always had my share of "suitors" that I rejected because I was too picky and they were just... in my teenage years. In fact, I still dated guys that were just... (flunking classes, no goals, runaways, etc) No wonder my parents never liked my bfs! But you know, none of these guys was perfect and the guy with whom I lasted longest in a bf/gf relationship had acne, but he was very sweet and caring, even if he had no specific goals in life in a sense. He drives trucks now and has a wife and three kids, even though he is very plump and still gets acne.

In my case, in my early twenties I developed extremely bad acne. The guy that was my hugest crush ever kindly rejected me. (Yes, I actually confessed via love letter. ) Didn't last even two months and a half with another guy because he told me I didn't turn him on and then, my self-esteem crashed. I met then the guy I married. He had lots of issues and was extremely cold, volatile, and violent even against his mother. I was extremely afraid of him, but I thought that with my bad acne, no other guy would ever want me and this guy said that he loved me, even if my face looked so horrid along with many parts of my body, including my back, like in your case. (He actually said that too about my body and always pointed my imperfections to hurt me. )

Anyway, I married this guy due to my low self-esteem issues and this decision only led me to lots and lots of suffering in his hands with violence against me, his mother, and then our daughters. In the end, we split after a death threat because I got even more scared and couldn't handle it any longer.

You're still quite young. You can visit a dermatologist if you think your acne is too severe, but don't let the issue put you down. Plus, not all girls are as shallow as to just reject you due to those issues so don't think you have no chance. You can also try seeing a counselor. Sometimes that helps.

Good luck with trying to gain confidence!

it seems like u have been through alot aswell and it seems as if u made the wrong choice with the guy u choose and that guys a real bastard i mean making taunts at you just to hurt you i hate people like that. u did the right thing by splitting up he was a total....u know. Dont let people get u down like that while u may have blemishes on the outside i bet ur a really beautiful person inside and that is what counts

If u want i can keep u all updated to my progess its good having people to talk to

[Ledgem]

Sakura_Kinomoto your story is like one that you read about or watch in drama-based fiction. I'm sorry that it happened to you. None of us except for you can really get a great feel for the situation; in my mind, it sounds like this Beau guy liked Jamie if she's spending a lot of time with him, and he did his best to get her away from you. The only advice I can really offer is one for future prevention of a similar issue happening, but this advice also applies to creating and maintaining a good relationship. I may have said it before in this thread, but I'll say it here:

Communication is essential in a relationship. Don't just nod and go on - say it to whoever you're with. Establish it as a sacred ground. I'd always known it, but the first girl I dated didn't communicate well with me and further, stated that I was a poor communicator. The relationship didn't last for much over a month. My current relationship is approaching the two year mark and is much more mature. Within the first week of serious dating, I told my girlfriend about how important it was to communicate, and how I wanted her to tell me if something was bothering her.

Girls, I know that the advice is that there are certain things that you don't tell your boyfriend. This varies from person to person and relationship to relationship, but that's total garbage. I understand that not every guy is a bastion of understanding, and there are some things that may scare him off or give him a bad impression of you. But if those sorts of things are going to happen, is the relationship really good and pure?

Open communication can be incredibly painful. I felt that I was taking a great risk in going over the sanctity of communication with my girlfriend, because you don't find many people saying things like that. I felt that perhaps she'd think that the relationship was getting too serious, or that by saying how it was important to communicate in order to overcome issues, I was saying that we'd have a lot of problems. I am incredibly lucky, as my girlfriend not only took all of that in, but she's been following it all this time. Even while crying over issues that bother her, she's talked it over with me and we were able to resolve them. Obviously it wasn't easy for her, and it wasn't always easy for me. But the open communication lets you resolve these problems and grow togther. Perhaps more importantly, it establishes trust. If someone came up to her and told her that I was only with her for sex, or because she cooks for me, she could easily cast the remark off because she knows many of my deeper thoughts, and she trusts that I don't keep things from her.

I don't have as moving a story as Shiemi, but I came to my conclusions about relationships and communication due to my parents' divorce. In short, perhaps there were personal incompatibilities, but neither of my parents communicated with each other. If you don't communicate, you can't fix what's bothering your partner. If you don't care to fix what's bothering them, or if what they want out of the relationship goes against what you want, then perhaps the relationship is doomed to fail.

Many people seem content to be in a relationship just for the hell of being in a relationship. If you want something serious, then it's important to establish communication. Finding out that there's an irrecoverable incompatibility can be pretty painful, and communicating openly will turn those up. I think it's better to find those out earlier than later, though. But people who would rather meet problems head-on than to live with problems in blissful ignorance seem rather rare these days...

Either way, Sakura_Kinomoto, it's not too late to recover your friendship and perhaps even your relationship. Talking openly and expressing your feelings tends to be rather difficult, but you should confront Jamie. You have a variety of things to talk about - ask her why she did what she did, tell her that you don't like the way that things between the two of you have become weird. If she'll be even semi-open with you, then you can clear away any misunderstandings that she may have. Don't go into this with an argumentative mentality, or as if you're preparing for a fight. Be open, and make your goal the truth - find out what Jamie heard and thought, and make it clear to her what you feel and think. Keep us updated, and good luck.

[Shinoto]

Originally Posted by Ledgem

Either way, Sakura_Kinomoto, it's not too late to recover your friendship and perhaps even your relationship. Talking openly and expressing your feelings tends to be rather difficult, but you should confront Jamie. You have a variety of things to talk about - ask her why she did what she did, tell her that you don't like the way that things between the two of you have become weird. If she'll be even semi-open with you, then you can clear away any misunderstandings that she may have. Don't go into this with an argumentative mentality, or as if you're preparing for a fight. Be open, and make your goal the truth - find out what Jamie heard and thought, and make it clear to her what you feel and think. Keep us updated, and good luck.

To be a bit of a devil's advocate here. I really honest think the last thing we need to do is encourage him to go back. I agree with the top part that it is him who needs to change...be more aggressive. Etc. But the girl in question doesn't really seem to be...to be frank. Worth it. I think this is one of those cases were it is more of a let go then anything else. If she was honestly presuaded by some other guy...to believe something like that...and to be honest...to believe the guy in question doesn't have the same intent. Sorry but that my friend is someone who has thier head up thier butt Not to mention it sounded like she even abandoned him and starting finding this other guy even before she broke it up. And worst of all is...She seemed to want to blame him for it. The 3rd one is truly the unforgivable one. The minute a person can't be honest...then have the sheer audacity to try to blame you for thier "Change". It shows a complete lack of respect and concern for the person.

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by Shinoto

To be a bit of a devil's advocate here. I really honest think the last thing we need to do is encourage him to go back.

When I say that the relationship can be salvaged, I meant it in terms of his relation to this girl - not necessarily as a romance, but as friends. If this completely didn't bother him, it wouldn't be worth the effort to try and find out what she was thinking and what she'd heard.

I agree with you that her actions were pretty terrible, but in all fairness to her, we don't know what she heard and was led to believe. Their relationship as a romantic one was pretty new, and she may have had insecurities. We may fault her for being gullible if she was led astray by lies from some third party, but I can't fault her for her actions unless we know that she was acting that way even knowing the truth.

[Domo-Chan]

Well im my situation I resently broke up with my BF of 2 years and im sorta glad and sad at the same time. He was a bit controling and his whole identity was wrapped up in me. He would say things like "i'm her husband" and "she's mine". He had no identity of his own.
Now that im single again I'm enjoying myself but im suck in some situation.
I'm currently in college and I just met two guys this semester(manny and aris). They both have a crush on me and one even says it's love. But to me that's a awful big step for just having to meet me.
And there is one more guy i knew him for about 1 year now(david). He asked me out and i like him but it's confusing because all 3 of these guys are friends.
David told aris that he liked me since me and him became friends a year ago and Aris told him that david was wrong to feel that way cause he likes me.
I want to go after the guy i like but i don't want to ruin people's friendships along the way

P.S i have back acne as well and im a girl it's not that bad. Plus i have a tattoo on my back of Dark and Krad from DNAngel there and people tell me it's fine. Sometimes back acne is a trait and mostly it doesn't matter to guys and girls alike unless there a bit shallow

[Sakura_Kinomoto]

Originally Posted by Ledgem

Sakura_Kinomoto your story is like one that you read about or watch in drama-based fiction. I'm sorry that it happened to you. None of us except for you can really get a great feel for the situation; in my mind, it sounds like this Beau guy liked Jamie if she's spending a lot of time with him, and he did his best to get her away from you. The only advice I can really offer is one for future prevention of a similar issue happening, but this advice also applies to creating and maintaining a good relationship. I may have said it before in this thread, but I'll say it here:

Communication is essential in a relationship. Don't just nod and go on - say it to whoever you're with. Establish it as a sacred ground. I'd always known it, but the first girl I dated didn't communicate well with me and further, stated that I was a poor communicator. The relationship didn't last for much over a month. My current relationship is approaching the two year mark and is much more mature. Within the first week of serious dating, I told my girlfriend about how important it was to communicate, and how I wanted her to tell me if something was bothering her.

Girls, I know that the advice is that there are certain things that you don't tell your boyfriend. This varies from person to person and relationship to relationship, but that's total garbage. I understand that not every guy is a bastion of understanding, and there are some things that may scare him off or give him a bad impression of you. But if those sorts of things are going to happen, is the relationship really good and pure?

Open communication can be incredibly painful. I felt that I was taking a great risk in going over the sanctity of communication with my girlfriend, because you don't find many people saying things like that. I felt that perhaps she'd think that the relationship was getting too serious, or that by saying how it was important to communicate in order to overcome issues, I was saying that we'd have a lot of problems. I am incredibly lucky, as my girlfriend not only took all of that in, but she's been following it all this time. Even while crying over issues that bother her, she's talked it over with me and we were able to resolve them. Obviously it wasn't easy for her, and it wasn't always easy for me. But the open communication lets you resolve these problems and grow togther. Perhaps more importantly, it establishes trust. If someone came up to her and told her that I was only with her for sex, or because she cooks for me, she could easily cast the remark off because she knows many of my deeper thoughts, and she trusts that I don't keep things from her.

I don't have as moving a story as Shiemi, but I came to my conclusions about relationships and communication due to my parents' divorce. In short, perhaps there were personal incompatibilities, but neither of my parents communicated with each other. If you don't communicate, you can't fix what's bothering your partner. If you don't care to fix what's bothering them, or if what they want out of the relationship goes against what you want, then perhaps the relationship is doomed to fail.

Many people seem content to be in a relationship just for the hell of being in a relationship. If you want something serious, then it's important to establish communication. Finding out that there's an irrecoverable incompatibility can be pretty painful, and communicating openly will turn those up. I think it's better to find those out earlier than later, though. But people who would rather meet problems head-on than to live with problems in blissful ignorance seem rather rare these days...

Either way, Sakura_Kinomoto, it's not too late to recover your friendship and perhaps even your relationship. Talking openly and expressing your feelings tends to be rather difficult, but you should confront Jamie. You have a variety of things to talk about - ask her why she did what she did, tell her that you don't like the way that things between the two of you have become weird. If she'll be even semi-open with you, then you can clear away any misunderstandings that she may have. Don't go into this with an argumentative mentality, or as if you're preparing for a fight. Be open, and make your goal the truth - find out what Jamie heard and thought, and make it clear to her what you feel and think. Keep us updated, and good luck.

Well based on alot of what not only you but what several others have said aswell i think i might try to repair my friendship with her at the very least get to the point where we say good morning to each other ** Sorry Shinoto i can see where u are coming from and i was even thinking of going along that path and who knows your opions might be right but ill try to patch up what i can Thanks for the advice ^^ Anymore would be great** As you said Ledgem i do kinda see how my story is like those Drama fictions but i dont know if mine like those ones will have a happy ending.

Im gonna send her an ecard because honestly i couldnt do this face to face...im to much of a coward. Back in the day when we were going out even when we were just friends we always use to send them to each other, little 'how are you' or 'your really cute' ones

*sigh* today i had my english exam and after that i asked one of her friends what she thought Jamie thought of me....she said from the looks of it she hated me

Im still gonna try though ive sent her this and i am awaiting her reply....



Dear Jamie

Jamie...I know i have hurt you i know that things didnt work out between us in terms of love.... and that things arent working out now... I dont want everything to end like this I want to remain your friend i want to repair things i want to start anew....I never meant to hurt you the way i did...Im so sorry and i pay for it everyday by not having you beside me as u used to be......please Jamie i miss you, i miss the fun times we use to have i miss seeing that warm glow of friendship in your eyes Please lets try to make anew

Im sorry....

I sent her that message with a Picture and the CCS song Honey is playing in the background
Now we wait and see......

[Fome]

Originally Posted by Sakura_Kinomoto

Well based on alot of what not only you but what several others have said aswell i think i might try to repair my friendship with her at the very least get to the point where we say good morning to each other ** Sorry Shinoto i can see where u are coming from and i was even thinking of going along that path and who knows your opions might be right but ill try to patch up what i can Thanks for the advice ^^ Anymore would be great** As you said Ledgem i do kinda see how my story is like those Drama fictions but i dont know if mine like those ones will have a happy ending.

Im gonna send her an ecard because honestly i couldnt do this face to face...im to much of a coward. Back in the day when we were going out even when we were just friends we always use to send them to each other, little 'how are you' or 'your really cute' ones

*sigh* today i had my english exam and after that i asked one of her friends what she thought Jamie thought of me....she said from the looks of it she hated me

Im still gonna try though ive sent her this and i am awaiting her reply....



Dear Jamie

Jamie...I know i have hurt you i know that things didnt work out between us in terms of love.... and that things arent working out now... I dont want everything to end like this I want to remain your friend i want to repair things i want to start anew....I never meant to hurt you the way i did...Im so sorry and i pay for it everyday by not having you beside me as u used to be......please Jamie i miss you, i miss the fun times we use to have i miss seeing that warm glow of friendship in your eyes Please lets try to make anew

Im sorry....

I sent her that message with a Picture and the CCS song Honey is playing in the background
Now we wait and see......

Damn man, I'm sorry but that is way too hammy. I really really wish you had sent it to us first before going ahead. The tone should be much more casual and less apologetic. You use words like friendship but the way it comes out sounds like you are still clinging to helps of a romantic relationship.

"Hey,
I know you haven't heard from me for a while. To tell you the truth, I thought you didn't even want to be friends anymore, so it was hard to talk to you. But I want to set things right, because we've been friends for so long, and it would be a dumb of me to just walk away from that. The whole romance thing didn't work out at all, that's for sure. I definitely messed up a lot. There's a first time for everything, but that's no excuse for the way I acted sometimes. Still, just to set the record straight, whatever Beau said about me was total garbage--the things he said have no basis whatsoever. Really, I just want to talk this out sometime. I don't want to lose you as a friend."

Not in these words per say, but I feel like this would have been a more appropriate tone.

Damnit I don't want to make you feel bad bud. It's like painful for me to tell you this. I mean, it might be perfectly fine. She knows you way better than I do. Just for the next time, try not to be so mushy.

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by Fome

"Hey,
I know you haven't heard from me for a while. To tell you the truth, I thought you didn't even want to be friends anymore, so it was hard to talk to you. But I want to set things right, because we've been friends for so long, and it would be a dumb of me to just walk away from that. The whole romance thing didn't work out at all, that's for sure. I definitely messed up a lot. There's a first time for everything, but that's no excuse for the way I acted sometimes. Still, just to set the record straight, whatever Beau said about me was total garbage--the things he said have no basis whatsoever. Really, I just want to talk this out sometime. I don't want to lose you as a friend."

I might have gone for something along those lines as well. The original message is sincere, but I just don't like that line about "I'm sorry I hurt you." Did you really hurt her? I thought that was what we were all puzzling over - what it was that set her off against you. The leading theory so far was that Beau told some lies and got her bothered. Why are you accepting the blame for that guy's lies?

This applies to anyone who has a soft, kind demeanor. I think most of us like that want to accept the blame and self-sacrifice if it'll make things right, but it doesn't help you. Do it too often, and you may find yourself in an abusive relationship.

Personal story, back to the first girl I dated (the one who claimed I was a poor communicator) - basically, in the process of ending our romantic relationship and reverting it back to friendship, she got very angry at me (not sure why, but I guess the realization that she was being dumped did it) and, after about 30 minutes of psuedo arguing over nothing, she claimed my voice was giving her a headache and hung up on me. I figured that was the end of it, but the next day she called me up and demanded an apology.

I tried my best to hold back laughter, and asked her what she thought I should apologize over. She basically felt that I had been extremely rude and inappropriate, and some other things. If that's how she felt, no use in arguing over it - I apologized for that. I eventually managed to cool her down and we discussed it rationally. She asked if I didn't want to try again at the end of it (as a romantic relationship), and I had to say no, let's keep it as friends. What happened in between the beginning and the ending was that I had to assert myself, let her know when she was saying things that were ridiculous, and so on. If I'd just said "oh I need to apologize? I'm so sorry, you're right, I was totally out of line..." would I be in any place to have done that?

You need to stick up for yourself. If someone's upset and you did something wrong, I think it's obvious that you need to apologize. If someone's upset and accusing you of things when you're totally innocent, you need to judge whether it's appropriate to accept it, or to fight it. It's not always in your best interests to be a punching bag. Being diplomatic - being able to have a give-and-take discussion, especially when emotions are heated - is incredibly difficult, but this is how you create stronger relationships and come out with more respect.

[Shinoto]

Originally Posted by Ledgem

When I say that the relationship can be salvaged, I meant it in terms of his relation to this girl - not necessarily as a romance, but as friends. If this completely didn't bother him, it wouldn't be worth the effort to try and find out what she was thinking and what she'd heard.

I agree with you that her actions were pretty terrible, but in all fairness to her, we don't know what she heard and was led to believe. Their relationship as a romantic one was pretty new, and she may have had insecurities. We may fault her for being gullible if she was led astray by lies from some third party, but I can't fault her for her actions unless we know that she was acting that way even knowing the truth.

To be frank and upfront about it. "Truth will be found in those who want to believe it to be Truth" From the sound of it...It looks want she wanted it to be the truth hence then a reason to break up guilt free. It seemed like she was told it and just believed it to be true because she wanted it to be true...Gives her the excuse she needs to justify her actions. And it sounds like she didn't even try to see if it was...really true or not. She is just as guilty as if she knew it to be true or not. Its kind of like copying an answer from anothers person. If it is wrong...your still resonaible for you even if you didn't bother to see if it was right or wrong. You just choose to believe it correct.

Of course this is on the details provided here now. Im sure a bias has occured

Also when you mean friendship. That depends on the person. I don't mean offensive to him but he doesn't seem to be the type who can let go of hope so easily. If he becomes buddies again then he may have that intendacy to keep trying and resting hope she may come around. He may have that chance still when there is none.

[Sakura_Kinomoto]

arghhh....perhaps your right that is about posting it here before i sent it...well i guess everyone makes mistakes and ill just have to ride this one out and hope for the best. I am still awaiting a reply wether or not she has read it i dont know but i saw her today and we exchanged conversation albeit for a short time in amongst a group of friends so perhaps some of the advice i took from you all has helped somewhat. oh and heyFome Ur advice it wont make me upset i kinda find while critisim can be upsetting it can also help alot and now that i look back at it maybe i did end up writing the wrong thing

I honestly cant say why she left me other than the reasons she gave which were That i was moving to fast in our relationship...I guess it did kinda hold her hand and hug her within a 2 week period of us first going out. Maybe girls dont like that sorta thing happening so early? but besides that i honestly did not do nething wrong.What she heard was Completly false as i said earlier sex didnt even cross my mind.

and well i guess Ledgem what i meant when i said im sorry i hurt you was that before all of this we were unseperable we were the best of friends and well when this all happened i dont know why but i felt responisble.

Well who knows maybe even though what i sent her was not wording as it should be but perhaps she will see past that and see the gesture of friendship, a chance to rebuild and start again and well if not....No one can say i didnt try. Well if u people want i can stop posting about this, i dont know wether my story really means anything and i dont want people wasting time posting on it and if u wanna stop replying any help u have given already has been immensly helpful and i have seen this situation from many different points of view which is helping me and i thank you for that, I will only keep updating the story if you want me to...if not i understand

[Ombrenuit]

That i was moving to fast in our relationship...I guess it did kinda hold her hand and hug her within a 2 week period of us first going out.

Kid, girls aren't girls. People are people though. Everyone's an individual. Don't doubt yourself because ultimately it isn't about what you did wrong. Sure your head is screaming for answers, but that's life. Be yourself, make mistakes. Don't have regrets. The only wasted time is regret.

Take it from me, you didn't do anything wrong. Plus why should you be worried about doing things wrong? What would a relationship be if you were just trying to do everything right? Hell. That's what. In the end, the woman you end up with will be with you in spite of the ridiculous, clumsy personality we all share. And you'll feel the same way about her.

Now do yourself a favor and purchase the Cure's Disintegration. Always helped me after a break up.

[Ledgem]

Ombrenuit posted, and with excellent advice! I remember seeing you around the forums before, nice to see you back.

Originally Posted by Shinoto

To be frank and upfront about it. "Truth will be found in those who want to believe it to be Truth" From the sound of it...It looks want she wanted it to be the truth hence then a reason to break up guilt free.

Maybe, maybe not. I think all of us here have been guilty of acting incorrectly based on believing false information, even though at the time we thought that we were doing what was right. If this girl honestly believed that Sakura_Kinomoto was, say, some raving sex fiend who wanted to turn her into a sex slave and didn't care for anything else, then her actions seem somewhat more justifiable. I'm not even discussing what she wanted to believe. Some people are rather good at manipulating others, and we don't know what Beau was telling her, or what anyone else may have been telling her. Before passing a judgement on her, I'd rather know what she was really thinking. If she wanted to create a breakup and seem like she was not the one to blame (or worse yet, she was the victim) then I believe we'd all be in agreement and say that she did something pretty trashy.

Originally Posted by Sakura_Kinomoto

I honestly cant say why she left me other than the reasons she gave which were That i was moving to fast in our relationship...I guess it did kinda hold her hand and hug her within a 2 week period of us first going out. Maybe girls dont like that sorta thing happening so early? but besides that i honestly did not do nething wrong.What she heard was Completly false as i said earlier sex didnt even cross my mind.

If she felt that you were moving too fast, it was her responsibility to tell you. I already ranted about the importance of communcation - this is an example of where it applies.

In this case, there's no real right or wrong. You did nothing wrong by escalating the relationship to being more affectionate. We all have different levels of expression affection - maybe this girl isn't big on them. If so, good to know, because it sounds like you are. You need to pair with someone who wants to be held, who wants to hold hands, and all that. If not, you'll be frustrated. Note that this has nothing to do with sex.

If we want to place blame, place it on her. She chose not to communicate with you about her feelings, and then broke the relationship. A relationship is a very fragile thing, and it can be the source of a lot of happiness. Who was it that let the relationship down? It wasn't you. So think about this one, and if you feel up to it write out your answer here: why did you feel responsible? You're not sure why, but think about it long and hard. You mentioned your acne, the fact that you're skinny, like Star Trek, Stargate, and anime as if it were something shameful - that may be a sign of low self confidence. If so, it could explain why you felt that you should be the one taking blame - you're just in that mindset. I don't think all of us replying to this thread are saying that you did nothing wrong because we're rooting for you as if this were some sporting event. By the information that you presented, you've really done nothing wrong. Further, you sound like a very thoughtful individual who wants to have a relationship made up of substance and feeling. That's very commendable. So have some self respect, realize your worth, and just accept that you likely have a very bright future ahead of you, no matter how it feels now. Move forward with your head held high.

[Darkman.exe213]

I'm kinda lost about what to do here. I like a girl(a good friend), but I haven't seen or talked her in about 8 weeks now. I could find her on MySpace and talk to her there if I wanted to, though. Anyway, my church is going to go to a local mall on Sunday for Christmas shopping, and I'm thinking about asking her if she'd like to go if I do talk to her. But I'm afraid I might be moving too fast, though I'm not sure. I don't want to accidentally ruin our friendship in the process, so I want to make sure I go at just the right pace. Any suggestions on what I should do? Thanks!

[Fome]

Originally Posted by Darkman.exe213

I'm kinda lost about what to do here. I like a girl(a good friend), but I haven't seen or talked her in about 8 weeks now. I could find her on MySpace and talk to her there if I wanted to, though. Anyway, my church is going to go to a local mall on Sunday for Christmas shopping, and I'm thinking about asking her if she'd like to go if I do talk to her. But I'm afraid I might be moving too fast, though I'm not sure. I don't want to accidentally ruin our friendship in the process, so I want to make sure I go at just the right pace. Any suggestions on what I should do? Thanks!

Signs of mutual romantic interest are usually obvious. If you don't sense that she probably likes you too, it's likely that she just wants to be friends. I'm not saying that people are straightforward, I'm just saying that, when one person notices the other liking him/her, they either reciprocate or try to back off.

In, in my honest opinion, friendships are just so much nicer. I usually don't get into a relationship unless there is very strong mutual interest.

[Domo-Chan]

Well im my situation I resently broke up with my BF of 2 years and im sorta glad and sad at the same time. He was a bit controling and his whole identity was wrapped up in me. He would say things like "i'm her husband" and "she's mine". He had no identity of his own.
Now that im single again I'm enjoying myself but im suck in some situation.
I'm currently in college and I just met two guys this semester(manny and aris). They both have a crush on me and one even says it's love. But to me that's a awful big step for just having to meet me.
And there is one more guy i knew him for about 1 year now(david). He asked me out and i like him but it's confusing because all 3 of these guys are friends.
David told aris that he liked me since me and him became friends a year ago and Aris told him that david was wrong to feel that way cause he likes me.
I want to go after the guy i like but i don't want to ruin people's friendships along the way
So what should I do?

[psycho bolt]

My advice is pick who you want the most. It's tough in a situation you're in. I can tell that no matter what choice you make someone will be upset. People generally don't want others to feel bad. But sometimes you gotta pick a choice that will result in hurting someone. So your best effort is to make the decision and move on, that is the best for your situation. I can't predict if you will stay friends or not; maybe they will recover quickly or not.