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Old 2014-10-23, 06:50   Link #11141
Dextro
He Without a Title
 
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: The land of tempura
Quote:
Originally Posted by viperdk1 View Post
I don't understand. Maybe I never will.

I've always tried to do things the 'decent' way when I've become interested in a woman, being decent and respectful, yet every single time I've been told that they don't see me in that light and I'm just "a friend". I don't understand what I'm doing wrong or what is wrong with me that leads to this permanent friendzoning (10 years and counting if I recall correctly...might be slightly exaggerated, I dunno) but I just...need help.

What do I have to do to get a woman interested in me?
I know the feeling but the truth of the matter is that, most of the times, when someone is trying to be nice it ends up coming out as too nice which acts as a turn off. I guess that by being decent you do stuff like hold the doors open for them and say yes to virtually any request am I right? If so there's the problem right there. People normally aren't THAT helpful so when someone is acting that way it ends up coming out as more creepy than nice therefore pushing the other party away.

My suggestion is to just stop trying to be helpful and be yourself. Be just as helpful to women as you are to men. Nothing more.
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Old 2014-10-25, 08:15   Link #11142
solomon
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Suburban DC
Quote:
Originally Posted by viperdk1 View Post
I don't understand. Maybe I never will.

I've always tried to do things the 'decent' way when I've become interested in a woman, being decent and respectful, yet every single time I've been told that they don't see me in that light and I'm just "a friend". I don't understand what I'm doing wrong or what is wrong with me that leads to this permanent friendzoning (10 years and counting if I recall correctly...might be slightly exaggerated, I dunno) but I just...need help.

What do I have to do to get a woman interested in me?
OK. Number 1 DON'T stop being respectful in as far as just resorting to skeevy pub girl hunter with all sketchy actions and dialogue that that implies.

I know your pain bro, I am in the same boat but have been getting better. I managed to attract a few girls but we were in different places in our lives so it didn't peter out.

But here's the thing, if I had to distill advice down to one bullet point, Don't worry so much about "being nice" and more about being YOU and more importantly A HAPPY FUN AND CONFIDENT YOU.
There's more to it, but you have to get out of a "OH I HAVE TO DO THIS RIGHT OR I'LL NEVER ATTRACT THIS CHICK" mindset, trust me, it blew me some GREAT chances. And chicks can smell it a mile away.

Here's a GREAT site with free tips and insights.

http://www.nicknotas.com/dating-101

and especially read this blog post.

http://www.nicknotas.com/blog/are-yo...st-a-nice-guy/
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Old 2014-10-25, 09:41   Link #11143
viperdk1
The Colour of Magic
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: England
Age: 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by solomon View Post
OK. Number 1 DON'T stop being respectful in as far as just resorting to skeevy pub girl hunter with all sketchy actions and dialogue that that implies.

I know your pain bro, I am in the same boat but have been getting better. I managed to attract a few girls but we were in different places in our lives so it didn't peter out.

But here's the thing, if I had to distill advice down to one bullet point, Don't worry so much about "being nice" and more about being YOU and more importantly A HAPPY FUN AND CONFIDENT YOU.
There's more to it, but you have to get out of a "OH I HAVE TO DO THIS RIGHT OR I'LL NEVER ATTRACT THIS CHICK" mindset, trust me, it blew me some GREAT chances. And chicks can smell it a mile away.

Here's a GREAT site with free tips and insights.

http://www.nicknotas.com/dating-101

and especially read this blog post.

http://www.nicknotas.com/blog/are-yo...st-a-nice-guy/
Had a read of that blog post...and now I just feel depressed. Of those 23 points for the 'nice guy' I can think of times when I've exhibited about 15 of them. Real man? Maybe 2 if I'm lucky. No fucking wonder my head is a complete mess.
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Old 2014-10-25, 09:43   Link #11144
Kafriel
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Athens (GMT+2)
Age: 29
Girls are like guys - if someone likes you, she'll go out of her way to get a date with you. Try coming on to a girl and if she doesn't respond, she most likely doesn't see you in that light...I went through the whole "but what if she's shy" thing and...well, let's just say I'm single with a lot of months wasted (not for a single relationship, but still).

Quote:
Had a read of that blog post...and now I just feel depressed. Of those 23 points for the 'nice guy' I can think of times when I've exhibited about 15 of them. Real man? Maybe 2 if I'm lucky. No fucking wonder my head is a complete mess.
That also depends, most girls put me on the "serious nice guy" list but I don't really care about it. In fact, I don't care about anything right now, I'm too serious to fool around with college girls and too (economically) dependent to start a family of my own. I -could- get a functional relationship but if I were to move on to something deeper, I'd struggle like a man drowning with an anchor around his ankle. All that's left for me is the occasional flirting that rarely becomes anything more than just that, temporary fun.
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Old 2014-10-25, 09:47   Link #11145
viperdk1
The Colour of Magic
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: England
Age: 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kafriel View Post
Girls are like guys - if someone likes you, she'll go out of her way to get a date with you. Try coming on to a girl and if she doesn't respond, she most likely doesn't see you in that light...I went through the whole "but what if she's shy" thing and...well, let's just say I'm single with a lot of months wasted (not for a single relationship, but still).
Look up at my last post. The problem is with me, not them.
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Old 2014-10-25, 20:06   Link #11146
solomon
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Suburban DC
Quote:
Originally Posted by viperdk1 View Post
Had a read of that blog post...and now I just feel depressed. Of those 23 points for the 'nice guy' I can think of times when I've exhibited about 15 of them. Real man? Maybe 2 if I'm lucky. No fucking wonder my head is a complete mess.
And that is the big boss battle you need to own my friend. I am a virgin at 26 going on 27, with little to no action going even during my college years. Afterwards, I decided to take the plunge and go into online dating.

I met some people but what plagued me was some of the nagging doubts and self doubt that you seem to suffer from. And you know what, it cost me a chance with a HELL of a lady whom we could probably had something long term. She even wrote me a comforting letter that despite how we couldn't be together (for various reasons) that she really enjoyed and valued my company and how I should feel better about myself because I have strong points.

See you are in a good point now, YOU'VE ARMED YOURSELF WITH KNOWLEDGE. Now is the kicker, putting that knowledge to good use.

Remember, if you've played games or sports, you never just gave up on conquering that last boss battle or that final match just because "OH I CAN'T DO IT NOW, I JUST DON'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES"...............No, you went and BEAT that final boss. You gotta look at it like that.

If you follow the advice on that site actively, and just try to live a healthy balanced fufilling life in general, you'll meet and connect with chicks in no time.

Honestly, the problem guys you and I have, is that we are in our heads too much. Just gotta learn to let go, go with the flow, and be the BEST YOU THAT YOU CAN BE. All other stuff you just learn on the fly.

(Though that site really will come in handy).
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Old 2014-10-26, 20:57   Link #11147
NightbatŪ
Deadpan Snarker
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: The Neverlands
Age: 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by viperdk1 View Post
Look up at my last post. The problem is with me, not them.
2 words:

Bull Shit!

I fell for that last blog as well a while ago, but when I read it in a more 'objective" state of mind
I realized I've met a lot of people with a lot of those "Nice guys" points
and the funny thing is: most of them were women

How about "Real Man Rule #3" LMAO
Apparently Humility is a sin, and real men never question themselves
And no-one consider themselves arrogant when you ask them
even if most around them may state otherwise

You ARE a real man, but ALL the crap life threw at you can make you vulnerable, damaged, hoping/needing for a positive change
Those experiences make you You, and the only thing you can be is Yourself

This entire society looks down on the "virgins", "even Hitler had a girlfriend"

Even though you can't buy a house on one salary, meat is always packaged as 2 or more,
and online dating sites are making a fortune of off lonely people

you're reading that it's wrong to feel insecure about not being successful in relationships?
That apparently wanting someone to love is not what relationships or even life is about?


There is a difference between losing a game and getting your ass(/heart) kicked
Look at how Brazil reacted when they lost in the WC, now imagine Brazil losing like that every bloody time

Apparently, a whole nation of grown men can cry over ONE bloody football game
(and we'll probably be hearing about it EVERY time Brazil plays the WC in the future)
but a single person who gets the love squeezed out every friggin time can shrug it off like nothing happened?


**** that blog, just do what you think you can, because that's all you can do
The only thing you can do is try and hope for success. but every failure is gonna make it harder

Just look at what constantly losing battles does to the moral of soldiers in a war
At what point do they collapse, become apathetic, bitter, snap?
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Old 2014-10-28, 06:45   Link #11148
Destiny Knight
Dead End
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Finding Reason...
Woaah... What happen here?
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Old 2014-10-31, 04:58   Link #11149
solomon
Senior Member
 
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Suburban DC
Nightbat

I get what you're saying but don't you think you're being a little over dramatic comparing this to soldiers in war.

Either way, you can't dwell on those past failures indefinetly. If you internalize them they become lodged deep within your psyche and make it real hard to change your mindset.

Either way, I still think the blog makes some decent points. You can't just dwell on the past faliures forever because that works less than getting out there and trying and failing at least you LEARN from failure.
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Old 2014-11-04, 20:22   Link #11150
NightbatŪ
Deadpan Snarker
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: The Neverlands
Age: 41
Well, the analogy did make a clear point, though being somewhat extreme
You can't dwell on the past, but when you're boat is making water, the last thing you need another hole in the hull

Everybody on this planet is a product of his/her experiences, some can have a profound impact on you life
it don't take a degree in psychology to generally conclude that someone with a positive outlook on life has had more positive experiences than someone who has a negative look

Then there's the difference in people themselves, some are happy with a roof and a meal
Some want the world

and then there are people's opinions,..
Here's a good example for in this thread with 2 pieces of advice I got from a buddy, and a colleague for my date a few months ago:
Buddy: "Try to be a little less outspoken, you can be pretty blunt y'know"
Colleague: "just be yourself, do like you always do, don't be overtly nice"
Which would the lady have liked to see? I'll never know, I do know that except perhaps for a little bit of "Nice guy #13"
(bite me, it was 14 years since my last date) nothing on that list came to be, but for all I know it could have been the exact opposite in what I did no matter what I did



The problem I have with that blog is that after the "you need therapy" list,
the real man list already falls apart with #1

What makes someone have a good self esteem?
Succes!
So you need #1 to get rid of the nice guy stigma
...already seeing the paradox here?

and it's only a downward spiral
They became nice guys by apparently being "unlovable", which in turn made them even nicer guys, which in turn,...
So you tell me: what in this universe can break that spiral AND that paradox?
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