2007-10-21, 13:32 | Link #3281 |
Vividly Vivio
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Spinel Heart
Progress: not sure length: 10,000 words Separated in chapters due to excessive length. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3849110/1/ Enjoy chapter one. edit: cookies if you now the pictures that inspired this story <3
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Last edited by Satashi; 2007-10-21 at 21:29. |
2007-10-21, 23:26 | Link #3282 | |
*facepalm.jpg*
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Yes, Cinderella officially has sequel, making this the third Nanoverse Stage Performance. Except, of course, the lack of the Aces as I'm concentrating on Erio and the Numbers. Expect more of Numbers. |
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2007-10-21, 23:58 | Link #3283 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
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I know 2 of them. The doujin where Vivio meets Nanoha's parents and the one of Nanoha, Fate and Vivio playing tennis, from Newtype, I believe.
Btw, are you sure they finished off Precia in October? I wanted to check, but I couldn't find any firm clues as to when the last episodes of Lyrical Nanoha took place. My own assumption is that it that it should have ended before the Knights were activated in A's, because they would certainly investigate any battles between Nanoha and Fate to see if it was a threat to Hayate. |
2007-10-22, 05:26 | Link #3284 | |
Vividly Vivio
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2007-10-22, 05:29 | Link #3285 |
Name means little...
Graphic Designer
Join Date: Dec 2004
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I have decided to do a semi-parody. This time, with far less explanation...
excerpt to Sol-Vermillion Encounter … When Momoko looks at the information delivered by Misora Hyperion, she felt a sinking feeling in her stomach, and sighed in defeat. According to what the intelligence data indicated, Admiral Lindy Halloun’s subordinate squadrons were all withdrawing to beyond Oort cloud, which forced Momoko to readjust her plan to maintain superiority over the edge of the Sol system. What a brilliant individual! Momoko muttered to herself, as her words became cold wind that was seeping through her bones. The greatness of Admiral Lindy Halloun’s scope and the depth of her planning are staggering. It is neigh impossible for an ordinary person to put even one part of her objectives into reality, yet this Jade haired woman possessed the intelligence in both. Lindy drew her commanders far away from her, making as if her own fleet would be isolated, but in fact she wished to pull the fleet into a massive trap, which Momoko saw through. It was beyond Momoko’s grasp as to how that Lindy was able to exit the Oort cloud. Momoko originally had hoped to utilize the timing differential in having the commanders making an about-face back to their main force and obtain a blitzkrieg victory. However, Lindy is moving as well, and heading straight to Earth according to computer projection. In order to prevent Lindy from entering the inner Sol and turning the surrounding space into a battlefield, Momoko would have to engage Lindy earlier than expected. To put it in another way, this act forced Momoko to start the encounter early. Obviously, this would’ve meant that Hayate and Chrono would’ve been even closer to the battlefield once the encounter begins, and they could pincer her more easily. Having Lindy in front and Hayate as well as Chrono from behind, Momoko could not possibly convince herself that she could obtain victory while being caught in the midst of their pincer. Momoko’s chance of success relies on immobilizing each major objective starting with Lindy, which then will provide a 50/50 chance of strategic victory. “Only fifty per cent?” The tactical situation was created only after much turmoil, yet Momoko’s perspective was hardly advantageous. Momoko had to win, while Lindy only had to hold the line until her aces return to the battlefield. Although the ‘victory’ would be irrelevant to the Halloun fleet, but there is deep wisdom behind Lindy’s assertiveness as well as her initiatives. Having said that, in order to preserve the autonomy of her task force, Momoko had to best this ally. “Must I win…?” Momoko smiled bitterly. “Must” is not a modus operendi that she preferred. Even if things do not always go as planned, she still wished that people can achieve self-determination. However, one looks back at the past with regrets at any rate… “This is just insane! Can’t I ask someone else to do it…?” @satashi: And that new fic is just ... XD lovely as usual.
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Last edited by panzerfan; 2007-10-22 at 05:42. |
2007-10-22, 06:18 | Link #3286 | |
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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Currently it is mostly a rather dry analysis of one character's battle plans by another character. How about rewritting it as a narration of the battle as it is taking place? And it's a semi-paraody of what? |
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2007-10-22, 06:53 | Link #3287 | |
Name means little...
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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so more of this?
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2007-10-22, 07:20 | Link #3289 |
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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That's better. It's still an analysis, but at least we got more into the characters' heads than the previous version. It seems to me the battle plan can be described in just a few lines. That's actually very good for a simple yet effective plan. You can use the rest of the scene to show the characters reactions to it. Since this isn't an action scene, that's the best I can think of.
From some of the lines, I'm guessing you were parodying LoGH? |
2007-10-22, 08:04 | Link #3290 | ||
Name means little...
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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(why'd I get worked up...)
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2007-10-22, 10:58 | Link #3292 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
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OK, honest opinions...
Thanks for the diagram. It helped. It'd have helped more had it been to scale, or even consistent. Engaging 5 AU from the sun means that they'd be fighting somewhere close to the asteroid belt, not Neptune orbit ~30AUish. Or showing the relative strengths of all those pincers would be nice...
More generally: Frankly, the excerpt (if it was one) was poorly chosen. What draws people in are fights and action, or at least something that can stand by itself in an excerpt. Tactical planning has its place in stories and if really done well can be interesting, but only in context (which frankly an excerpt does not have) of strategy. Right now, I don't know why Lindy is advancing on Earth at all, and without that I can't get into the thinking beyond whee, a pincer movement. A more attractive excerpt may be about Lindy, which goes into why she's attacking Earth, for example. That might get someone's attention. For other random things, why the Oort cloud is so hard to navigate. It is far, far away and It is simply not that dense, at least in real life. It is not the TESB Hoth asteroid field, not even close. Or I don't know the techno-tactical capabilities of the ships and fleets of both sides even in the broadest sense.. So I can't even evaluate whether Lindy is making a good move for myself or not. How are is Momoko about Lindy's fleet disposition anyway? Is she just vaguely aware or is her understanding as good as that chart? That's some of the tactical-strategic stuff. The excerpt produces a lot of question marks, which is good, but IMO leaves the reader uninterested in reading the main text for answers, which is bad. As for characterization, I'd leave it mainly to the others, but the excerpt is pretty flat. |
2007-10-22, 11:22 | Link #3293 | |
Fate's fan
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Belgium
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I see ones of the two doujin (when Nanoha show Vivio to her parents) but I didn't see the other (when they play tennis ... Where I can find this? XD) But, your story, and your 'description' of emotion is always awesome ... I'm not really good in english to explain myself what I mean, but you just know that I always read your fic, and you are, for me, the best writter for fanfic of Nanoha ^^ (I don't read fic of other serie XD). So, really, really good job here and I'm waiting for the next (as usual ^^) I read all of fic of Nanoha, so I can tell that I love fic of Eagle and Riddly too ^^ (good job you two I read your next stories too ^^) |
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2007-10-22, 13:11 | Link #3294 |
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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I've been thinking, it is possible. But only if they finished off Precia in October the year before the Knights were activated. I don't like this because it means it's a whole year's gap between Nanoha and Fate parting at the bridge and meeting again in A's ep1. But it works just fine for your story.
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2007-10-22, 13:26 | Link #3295 |
yo
Join Date: Oct 2007
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I started writing a HS fic about Nanoha and Fate and this is what I have so far...(well I have more but I don't want to give it all away XD)
Spoiler for length though not by much:
Comments concerns? Like no like? Feed back on stuff that makes no sense or just your thoughts are nice too. |
2007-10-22, 15:56 | Link #3296 |
Fate's fan
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Belgium
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Akichimito ... I'm not perfectly understand and write english so my comments it's not very important like others writter of fanfic, but I like start of your story ^^
Nanoha who find Fate cute when she is embarrassed and Fate who find Nanoha cute when she pouted is really 'Kawai' ^^ So, I hope you wrote the next of this? And if you did, I read it as well, and one more time, says my little comment |
2007-10-22, 16:06 | Link #3297 | |||
Vividly Vivio
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@akichimihito:
In regards to your short excerpt. First thing that really jumped out at me was that you used "smile" so much at the start ( four times in three lines). If you're just trying to imply happiness then try some other words. Smiling is only one of many physical signs to show emotions. Quote:
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Now that the nagging is done I'd like to say good job. It's really cute and fluffy, something that is good every now and then. Really needed after that angst fest we had a while ago D: . I must say I'm looking forward to seeing more of this ^^ <- for Kirika-chan
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2007-10-22, 16:29 | Link #3298 | |||
NERV Personnel
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You really had quite a bit of, um, detail at the end of that chapter . Man, I can only wish my fics were as good and popular as yours Quote:
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2007-10-22, 18:46 | Link #3300 |
yo
Join Date: Oct 2007
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@Satashi and Evangelion Xgouki
Thanks for the feedback. Yeah, I usually don't proof read my stuff until after I've posted it and for some reason or another I seem to catch all of my mistakes then. I did notice that I used smile way too much and thought "Wow, I'm very discriptive...=_=" I had a rough week so I don't know if that affected my writing or if it's just me but alas I will fix it up. *goes back to writing even though really should be doing hw* And yeah, the main reason I started writing was because of all the angst-y fics -_-;; Too much angst people! We need to be happy! XD @Kirika-chan: Thanks even if you don't have stuff to comment about just knowing that you like it is candy for a writer.^^ Last edited by akichimihito; 2007-10-22 at 19:00. |
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