2009-04-30, 08:06 | Link #4101 |
Hige
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: God only knows
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Mh, i thought so but that would have been to simple.
Another good one: One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
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2009-04-30, 23:23 | Link #4104 | |
Uncountable rationality
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Quote:
Holy crap! That was loud! Spoiler for something random...:
Spoiler for much better:
Spoiler for quantum physics:
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2009-05-01, 11:05 | Link #4109 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
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Fair enough, we're all entitled to our own opinions after all
USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK: I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. No, my powers can only be used for good. How about never? Is never good for you? I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. Who me? I just wander from room to room. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject. |
2009-05-02, 03:47 | Link #4111 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
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Some cute little children's jokes that I've just found -
Q: What do you get if Batman and Robin get smashed by a steam roller? A: Flatman and ribbon. Q: When is a car not a car? A: When it turns into a garage. Q: How much do pirates pay for their earrings? A: a Buccaneer! Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? A: He wanted to win the No-bell prize. Q: Why did the atoms cross the road? A: It was time to split! Q: What do you do when your chair breaks? A: Call a Chairman. Q: Why do eskimos wash their clothes in tide? A: Because it's too cold out tide! Q: What kind of car does Luke Skywalker drive? A: a Toy-yoda. Q: What is the biggest pencil in the world? A: Pennsylvania. Q: Why did the boy blush when he opened the fridge? A: He saw the salad dressing! |
2009-05-05, 11:09 | Link #4119 |
Hige
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: God only knows
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http://www.sawamura.de/TeterboroTower.mp3
Teterboro Tower this is Piper 2-0-2 I'm turning on my downwind leg, My fabric's come unglued The stick is burbling in my hand, I think I feel a stall & a bug's caught in my Pilot, my gauges don't read at all Now listen Piper 2-0-2, this is Teterboro Tower I cannot raise the crash crew cause it is their coffee hour & you're not cleared in the pattern, don't try a landing yet Just circle for departure while I mooch a cigarette Help Teterboro Tower, this is Piper 2-0-2 I'm sweating out this landing, I don't know what to do My superhomer's on the blink, & your voice is fading fast Please clear my on my final, or this flight may be my last Now listen Piper 2-0-2, This is Teterboro Tower I'd like to help you buddy, but I just don't have the power The F.A.A's your only hope, so if you've time to spare Just file a form in triplicate & sign the questionaire Teterboro Tower, this is Piper 2-0-2 I'm in Secaucus Hospital & I owe it all to you I'm sorry that I cracked her up & messed your pretty field We'll try it once around again if ever I get healed
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2009-05-05, 11:11 | Link #4120 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
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Bill Bailey on TV News Themes - This is just so great!!! -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qk9Ny7Tme2Y |
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