Nanoha FanFiction Discussion

[Rising Dragon]

Nanoha taught them well. Don't listen/don't be accepting, get Divine Buster'd.

[Nita]

Hm.. what about a fight between Nanoha and Vivio? The typical issue: "You are not allowed to do that until u are 18!". Then, Vivio getting mad and talking to Yuuno, buy hey... he's an adult too. And even if he aproves what Vivio wants to do, going against Nanoha.. well...

Maybe she could get insecure about the way he is talking to her (like a daughter and not his girlfriend).

[00-Raiser]

Originally Posted by Liitha

Hm.. what about a fight between Nanoha and Vivio? The typical issue: "You are not allowed to do that until u are 18!". Then, Vivio getting mad and talking to Yuuno, buy hey... he's an adult too. And even if he aproves what Vivio wants to do, going against Nanoha.. well...

Maybe she could get insecure about the way he is talking to her (like a daughter and not his girlfriend).

Well, I've already addressed the sex issue, and they decided to not give it much thought until they feel they're ready (which happened in the last fic, which I intend on keeping for the most part, I'm just going to dump the OCs and expand more on Yuuno's apartment).

I've considered that 2nd one, I just need to find where to use it.

[Thunderbird]

Being overly protective could be misunderstood (on Vivio's part) telling her things like "You'll understand when you're older" or just obviously trying to...I guess "tone down" conversations because he feels she hasn't quite reached that level of experience and understanding that you only attain through time really. Now I'm not saying you cant get it sooner IRL but Vivio has lived a somewhat spoiled and sheltered life so she might not completely understand some of the difficulties Yuuno might be going though. *throws 2 yen into the pile*

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Liitha

Maybe she could get insecure about the way he is talking to her (like a daughter and not his girlfriend).

Personally, I'm curious to know just when Yuuno started to see Vivio as a romantic interest and not as his honorary niece/student. I can't remember if that was ever addressed in any part of the series. It would be interesting to his his initial reaction to realizing he was in love with Nanoha's daughter.

[00-Raiser]

Originally Posted by Thunderbird

Being overly protective could be misunderstood (on Vivio's part) telling her things like "You'll understand when you're older" or just obviously trying to...I guess "tone down" conversations because he feels she hasn't quite reached that level of experience and understanding that you only attain through time really. Now I'm not saying you cant get it sooner IRL but Vivio has lived a somewhat spoiled and sheltered life so she might not completely understand some of the difficulties Yuuno might be going though. *throws 2 yen into the pile*

While I was thinking of something along those lines, I wouldn't called Vivio 'sheltered' or 'spoiled' (well, maybe a little spoiled). We know in Vivid she's outgoing and wants to do as many different kinds of things as possible, so by the time she's older I bet she'll have plenty of experience. Nanoha's shown herself to be a pretty authoritative type of parent (Fate's a bit on the permissive side), what with her teaching her to stand on her own and such.

I'm trying to come up with some sort of archaelogical adventure (like Indiana Jones, only more factually accurate [Alavon, I'll have to request your expertise on this]). Could possibly include a hot female archaeologist who was one of the women he had tried a relationship with in the past.

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

Personally, I'm curious to know just when Yuuno started to see Vivio as a romantic interest and not as his honorary niece/student. I can't remember if that was ever addressed in any part of the series. It would be interesting to his his initial reaction to realizing he was in love with Nanoha's daughter.

In the very first fic he realised the possibility that he was, but only after she confessed to him.

I really, really hate to do this because it makes it seem like I'm begging for attention, but I did post a little ficlet a page back, and I'd really like some sort of feed back, even if it's only "Yes, you need to do more stuff like this" or "No, you're on the wrong track" or even "It's nice, but doesn't add anything to the series overall." Here it is again:

Spoiler for Sacrifices:

Yuuno looked up from the volume of Encyclopaedia of Polyilopcanica he was searching through as the door to his office creaked open. Sure enough, in entered his usual visitor.

“Good evening, Yuuno-san.” Vivio greeted.

“Good evening, Vivio.” He greeted back.

“Another busy night?” She asked.

“Kind of.” He replied. “I just need to find a particular piece of information for some one, and then I have to start packing.”

“Packing?” The girl blinked. “Are you going somewhere?”

“I got called out on an emergency dig.” He smiled apologetically. “I’ll be gone for the rest of the week.”

“Oh…” Vivio lowered her gaze. “I guess I couldn’t accompany you on that, could I?”

“Sorry, but you still have school, right?”

“My break doesn’t start until next week.” She sighed. “So then I won’t be able to see you for a while…”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it, Yuuno-san.” Vivio said back, her voice betraying her disappointment. “As I said before, I know how important your work is, so I don’t mind. But… I guess you really don’t need my help with anything right now, do you?”

“I have pretty much everything under control.” He nodded. “So you should just head on home.”

“Oh…” Her gaze fell further. “Ok, I guess I’ll go… I wouldn’t want to get in your way. Have a safe trip, Yuuno-san.” She said before making a quick retreat.

Yuuno blinked as he watched her go, wondering if perhaps he had sent the wrong message. ‘I just didn’t want her to be bored waiting around here for me.’ He thought. ‘I didn’t think she’d be in the way…’

“I just want to spend time with you.” He suddenly remembered her saying.

“… Oh.” He sighed as he put his hand over his face. “Way to go, Yuuno.”

His job always seemed to get in the way in one form or the other. The women he had dated previously had stormed off with a “You care more about your job than you do me!” after a few weeks and that was the end of those relationships. While Yuuno had genuinely liked some of those women, he just couldn’t bring himself to put them above his love of knowledge. Vivio was different, though. She shared his love of knowledge and she understood him, saying she would be willing to bear with his busy schedule and be with him when she could.

But that’s far too one-sided, he realised. She was willing to deal with it for the sake of the relationship, but what was he doing about it? Was it really ok for Vivio to be the only one making sacrifices?

Of course it wasn’t!

“Ms Smith.” He said as he activated his intercom.

“What can I do for you, professor?” His secretary replied.

“Cancel all my appointments for next week.”

“What? But that’s not…”

“Please do it.” He instructed before he disconnected.

His job had always harmed his relationships, but he’d be damned if he let it ruin this one.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by 00-Raiser

Spoiler for Sacrifices:

Yuuno looked up from the volume of Encyclopaedia of Polyilopcanica he was searching through as the door to his office creaked open. Sure enough, in entered his usual visitor.

“Good evening, Yuuno-san.” Vivio greeted.

“Good evening, Vivio.” He greeted back.

“Another busy night?” She asked.

“Kind of.” He replied. “I just need to find a particular piece of information for some one, and then I have to start packing.”

“Packing?” The girl blinked. “Are you going somewhere?”

“I got called out on an emergency dig.” He smiled apologetically. “I’ll be gone for the rest of the week.”

“Oh…” Vivio lowered her gaze. “I guess I couldn’t accompany you on that, could I?”

“Sorry, but you still have school, right?”

“My break doesn’t start until next week.” She sighed. “So then I won’t be able to see you for a while…”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it, Yuuno-san.” Vivio said back, her voice betraying her disappointment. “As I said before, I know how important your work is, so I don’t mind. But… I guess you really don’t need my help with anything right now, do you?”

“I have pretty much everything under control.” He nodded. “So you should just head on home.”

“Oh…” Her gaze fell further. “Ok, I guess I’ll go… I wouldn’t want to get in your way. Have a safe trip, Yuuno-san.” She said before making a quick retreat.

Yuuno blinked as he watched her go, wondering if perhaps he had sent the wrong message. ‘I just didn’t want her to be bored waiting around here for me.’ He thought. ‘I didn’t think she’d be in the way…’

“I just want to spend time with you.” He suddenly remembered her saying.

“… Oh.” He sighed as he put his hand over his face. “Way to go, Yuuno.”

His job always seemed to get in the way in one form or the other. The women he had dated previously had stormed off with a “You care more about your job than you do me!” after a few weeks and that was the end of those relationships. While Yuuno had genuinely liked some of those women, he just couldn’t bring himself to put them above his love of knowledge. Vivio was different, though. She shared his love of knowledge and she understood him, saying she would be willing to bear with his busy schedule and be with him when she could.

But that’s far too one-sided, he realised. She was willing to deal with it for the sake of the relationship, but what was he doing about it? Was it really ok for Vivio to be the only one making sacrifices?

Of course it wasn’t!

“Ms Smith.” He said as he activated his intercom.

“What can I do for you, professor?” His secretary replied.

“Cancel all my appointments for next week.”

“What? But that’s not…”

“Please do it.” He instructed before he disconnected.

His job had always harmed his relationships, but he’d be damned if he let it ruin this one.

....

Oh, God, I feel like a jerk for what I'm about to say.

It's cute. It works. It shows just how much Yuuno cares about Vivio and how he values his relationship with her over his job. But with the way you've built him up in the series, it doesn't make any sense. You're implying that the man goes to digs all over the world when he isn't teaching or anything, which says that he's a busy man. Cancelling his appointments for a week, while sweet, would not have a good effect on his overall reputation and would make people wonder just what is up with him. Plus, it would have the nasty side effect of Vivio feeling guilty over causing him to give up that kind of thing to be with her.

So in short term, it works very well. In the long run, not so much.

[00-Raiser]

Thanks.

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

Cancelling his appointments for a week, while sweet, would not have a good effect on his overall reputation and would make people wonder just what is up with him. Plus, it would have the nasty side effect of Vivio feeling guilty over causing him to give up that kind of thing to be with her.

Hm, maybe these are issues that I can use.

[Nita]

Originally Posted by 00-Raiser

Well, I've already addressed the sex issue, and they decided to not give it much thought until they feel they're ready (which happened in the last fic, which I intend on keeping for the most part, I'm just going to dump the OCs and expand more on Yuuno's apartment).

I know that I'm not talking about sex, that's just a part of a relationship. I know they are both mature, but for a reason, couple seems to fight over the stupidest things in the world.

For what I had seen in your series, Vivio and Yuuno always think about the "I don't know if I'm suitable for you" issue. I know they trust each other, but do they trust themselfs?

Originally Posted by 00-Raiser

Spoiler for Sacrifices:

Yuuno looked up from the volume of Encyclopaedia of Polyilopcanica he was searching through as the door to his office creaked open. Sure enough, in entered his usual visitor.

“Good evening, Yuuno-san.” Vivio greeted.

“Good evening, Vivio.” He greeted back.

“Another busy night?” She asked.

“Kind of.” He replied. “I just need to find a particular piece of information for some one, and then I have to start packing.”

“Packing?” The girl blinked. “Are you going somewhere?”

“I got called out on an emergency dig.” He smiled apologetically. “I’ll be gone for the rest of the week.”

“Oh…” Vivio lowered her gaze. “I guess I couldn’t accompany you on that, could I?”

“Sorry, but you still have school, right?”

“My break doesn’t start until next week.” She sighed. “So then I won’t be able to see you for a while…”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it, Yuuno-san.” Vivio said back, her voice betraying her disappointment. “As I said before, I know how important your work is, so I don’t mind. But… I guess you really don’t need my help with anything right now, do you?”

“I have pretty much everything under control.” He nodded. “So you should just head on home.”

“Oh…” Her gaze fell further. “Ok, I guess I’ll go… I wouldn’t want to get in your way. Have a safe trip, Yuuno-san.” She said before making a quick retreat.

Yuuno blinked as he watched her go, wondering if perhaps he had sent the wrong message. ‘I just didn’t want her to be bored waiting around here for me.’ He thought. ‘I didn’t think she’d be in the way…’

“I just want to spend time with you.” He suddenly remembered her saying.

“… Oh.” He sighed as he put his hand over his face. “Way to go, Yuuno.”

His job always seemed to get in the way in one form or the other. The women he had dated previously had stormed off with a “You care more about your job than you do me!” after a few weeks and that was the end of those relationships. While Yuuno had genuinely liked some of those women, he just couldn’t bring himself to put them above his love of knowledge. Vivio was different, though. She shared his love of knowledge and she understood him, saying she would be willing to bear with his busy schedule and be with him when she could.

But that’s far too one-sided, he realised. She was willing to deal with it for the sake of the relationship, but what was he doing about it? Was it really ok for Vivio to be the only one making sacrifices?

Of course it wasn’t!

“Ms Smith.” He said as he activated his intercom.

“What can I do for you, professor?” His secretary replied.

“Cancel all my appointments for next week.”

“What? But that’s not…”

“Please do it.” He instructed before he disconnected.

His job had always harmed his relationships, but he’d be damned if he let it ruin this one.

*w* I loved it I really liked how you explained the fail of Yuuno's previous relationship, it just shows how much he cares for Vivio.

Its also good to see his POV. And like RadiantBeam, I'm curious to know when/how did he fall for her

[Satashi]

Originally Posted by 00-Raiser

Thanks, Satashi, but I kinda can't use 6 or 8 because you just pretty much wrote them yourself x.o Unless you're saying I can use what you wrote and add onto it.

you can't use my exact words, but you can base it off that if you want. I wrote that just to try and act out the more interesting parts of what could happen. So feel free to imitate the conversation, just don't copy pasta

@keroko:Makes you wonder... If Vivio's origins are under wraps, then who all knows? the numbers, people directly involved, and the high heads of the church... but urely, if there are images, paintings, ect, of... um... What's her name?... Then surely someone will look at vivio's adult form and go "Wow... they look really similar." and joke about it. Specioally at a religious school, when studying about the history, even kids will look at her and see Vivio immediately.

Make the connection, no, but enough to give her a nickname? Probably.

....Ohhhhhh now there's a fic idea.

As for how Vivio and Yuuno started dating, here's 00-raiser's fic

Vivio and Yuuno start dating "The Next Step"

[Rising Dragon]

I could've sworn I read somewhere on this forum that Vivio's status as the Sankt Kaiser isn't a secret, though. I distinctly remember that people kept calling her "Her Majesty", Otto and Deed included.

[TheShinySword]

Originally Posted by 00-Raiser

Spoiler for Sacrifices:

Yuuno looked up from the volume of Encyclopaedia of Polyilopcanica he was searching through as the door to his office creaked open. Sure enough, in entered his usual visitor.

“Good evening, Yuuno-san.” Vivio greeted.

“Good evening, Vivio.” He greeted back.

“Another busy night?” She asked.

“Kind of.” He replied. “I just need to find a particular piece of information for some one, and then I have to start packing.”

“Packing?” The girl blinked. “Are you going somewhere?”

“I got called out on an emergency dig.” He smiled apologetically. “I’ll be gone for the rest of the week.”

“Oh…” Vivio lowered her gaze. “I guess I couldn’t accompany you on that, could I?”

“Sorry, but you still have school, right?”

“My break doesn’t start until next week.” She sighed. “So then I won’t be able to see you for a while…”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it, Yuuno-san.” Vivio said back, her voice betraying her disappointment. “As I said before, I know how important your work is, so I don’t mind. But… I guess you really don’t need my help with anything right now, do you?”

“I have pretty much everything under control.” He nodded. “So you should just head on home.”

“Oh…” Her gaze fell further. “Ok, I guess I’ll go… I wouldn’t want to get in your way. Have a safe trip, Yuuno-san.” She said before making a quick retreat.

Yuuno blinked as he watched her go, wondering if perhaps he had sent the wrong message. ‘I just didn’t want her to be bored waiting around here for me.’ He thought. ‘I didn’t think she’d be in the way…’

“I just want to spend time with you.” He suddenly remembered her saying.

“… Oh.” He sighed as he put his hand over his face. “Way to go, Yuuno.”

His job always seemed to get in the way in one form or the other. The women he had dated previously had stormed off with a “You care more about your job than you do me!” after a few weeks and that was the end of those relationships. While Yuuno had genuinely liked some of those women, he just couldn’t bring himself to put them above his love of knowledge. Vivio was different, though. She shared his love of knowledge and she understood him, saying she would be willing to bear with his busy schedule and be with him when she could.

But that’s far too one-sided, he realised. She was willing to deal with it for the sake of the relationship, but what was he doing about it? Was it really ok for Vivio to be the only one making sacrifices?

Of course it wasn’t!

“Ms Smith.” He said as he activated his intercom.

“What can I do for you, professor?” His secretary replied.

“Cancel all my appointments for next week.”

“What? But that’s not…”

“Please do it.” He instructed before he disconnected.

His job had always harmed his relationships, but he’d be damned if he let it ruin this one.

Well first off I'll tell you outright I'm not reading the Vivio/Yuuno series. But I did read this. RB tackled the big problem so I'll comment on something else.

I haven't read the other parts but have you been writing them from primarily Yuuno's POV? If you haven't, you should be. I can tell you can identify with Yuuno's side better than Vivio's just from reading this and things you've been saying. You don't know how teenage girls think, you do know how twenty-something guys do, the answer is obvious. (This is not to say you shouldn't be writing in her POV but you just seem to have been having a lot of trouble lately so maybe you should do something that's easier to relate to for you yourself.)

Oh and there's another content problem I noticed. Vivio sounds like a girl talking to her workaholic father, not a girl talking to her workaholic boyfriend.

Edit: I realize I might sound harsh but I really am trying to help

[00-Raiser]

Originally Posted by TheShinySword

Oh and there's another content problem I noticed. Vivio sounds like a girl talking to her workaholic father, not a girl talking to her workaholic boyfriend.

Edit: I realize I might sound harsh but I really am trying to help

I see your point. Any suggestions on choice of wording I should use to convery the 'talking to her workaholic boyfriend' feeling?

As for POV, I try to balance both, but apparently I'm not doing a very good job of it It tends to go more on Vivio's side, though (Misstep is all her POV).

I don't mind some harshness. Since I'm not sleep deprived this time, the likelyhood of me emo-ing out is significantly lower.

[TheShinySword]

Originally Posted by 00-Raiser

I see your point. Any suggestions on choice of wording I should use to convery the 'talking to her workaholic boyfriend' feeling?

As for POV, I try to balance both, but apparently I'm not doing a very good job of it It tends to go more on Vivio's side, though (Misstep is all her POV).

I don't mind some harshness. Since I'm not sleep deprived this time, the likelyhood of me emo-ing out is significantly lower.

I feel like you'd be more comfortable in Yuuno's but it's your choice.

Part of what feels like it's her father is Vivio's formality. I think the lack of movement also has something to do with it, the tags are entirely dialog instructions or slight changes like sighs and nods, so I get this image of Yuuno sitting at his desk while Vivio stands on the other side, not moving through the entire conversation. Now I don't mean they have to be all over each other (which would be going from one end of the couple scale to the other) but I'd think a loving couple would be more intimate, or at least smile at one another.

Think about it from Yuuno's POV (since we're in it already) He's had a long day at work, he's about to have more work and the girl he loves walks through the door, how does he feel? That emotion would greatly help dispel the fatherly overtones. (The school think really sounded fatherly. "Young lady shouldn't you be in school" and all that.)

There's also Vivio's tone, she uses words like "accompany" and terms like "As I said" More than just formal that just sounds kind of awkward, like she's talking with someone she doesn't know that well instead of with her boyfriend.


I think a lot of the issue is due to the minimalistic writing, now I normally am all for minimalism (I myself am not the most detailed of writers), this is just too minimalistic. There just isn't enough of the character's feelings.


I'm not amazing at romance myself so I have trouble giving advice.

[Nijiru]

Originally Posted by Rising Dragon

I could've sworn I read somewhere on this forum that Vivio's status as the Sankt Kaiser isn't a secret, though. I distinctly remember that people kept calling her "Her Majesty", Otto and Deed included.

In some fan works I've seen it as public knowledge, in others I've seen it as a secret. I don't know what it is in canon, though. As for Otto and Deed calling her "Your Majesty", they'd know her history as they were part of the group that tried to abuse that history.

[RadiantBeam]

Actually, Shiny just brought up a point I completely forgot about until now. Why on Earth does Vivio call Yuuno "Yuuno-san"? I know it's respectful, but when you consider how long she's known him (practically her whole life, she should be calling him at the very least "Yuuno-kun" after knowing him for so long, if not "Uncle Yuuno", but I can understand why you didn't go there with the Squick factor), it doesn't make much sense. It makes even less sense for her to continue calling him "Yuuno-san" after they've been dating for two years. Over the two years they've grown closer and know each other better than they did before; at most, if not completely calling him "Yuuno", Vivio should at least be comfortable enough to call him "Yuuno-kun". "Yuuno-san"... just seems too distant and cold when you take their history into account.

[Thunderbird]

Originally Posted by Rising Dragon

I could've sworn I read somewhere on this forum that Vivio's status as the Sankt Kaiser isn't a secret, though. I distinctly remember that people kept calling her "Her Majesty", Otto and Deed included.

Yes you are indeed correct. The Numbers call Vivio "Highness" in relation to her status as Sankt Kasier... and you most likely saw it in Vivid Vivio Memory Chapter 1. As to the extent of the knowledge of Vivio being their "God" as opposed to just being a reincarnated Princess...that is probably still up in the air as I dont quite remember if Vivid really explained that "hey everyone knows Vivio is their god" or "hey everyone knows vivio was just a former princesss" or "hey its just those involved in the Jail incident that know."

[Rising Dragon]

Actually I read this business about the Numbers and others calling Vivio her Majesty before ViVid was even announced. =/

[Nya~n]

That was in SSX. Vivio was feeling very awkward with Otto addressing her as "Your Majesty".

[TheShinySword]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

Actually, Shiny just brought up a point I completely forgot about until now. Why on Earth does Vivio call Yuuno "Yuuno-san"? I know it's respectful, but when you consider how long she's known him (practically her whole life, she should be calling him at the very least "Yuuno-kun" after knowing him for so long, if not "Uncle Yuuno", but I can understand why you didn't go there with the Squick factor), it doesn't make much sense. It makes even less sense for her to continue calling him "Yuuno-san" after they've been dating for two years. Over the two years they've grown closer and know each other better than they did before; at most, if not completely calling him "Yuuno", Vivio should at least be comfortable enough to call him "Yuuno-kun". "Yuuno-san"... just seems too distant and cold when you take their history into account.

I actually don't get why Vivio uses Japanese honorifics since she's from mid.
I have absolutely no idea what the standards are for couples, going strictly off of anime I've seen couples (married and non) call each other -san, I've seen them drop honorifics, I've seen a couple of chans and kuns and some father and mothers (but it's a little soon for them to be doing that )