Mai HiME/Otome Fanfiction Thread

[Sikon]

The first half-chapter of the Doctor Who one is up (see signature). The second, which will finish the first half of the two-parter, will be up today or tomorrow.

(That's just because I decided to go with shorter chapters this time.)

[WarpObscura]

FanTAStic! Absolutely Fantastic.

[Atlantis_Lux]

I second it!

Spoiler:

Poor Akane, by the way...

[Sikon]

Spoiler:

There'll be three more deaths, one of them via contract. And it will be revealed who killed Akane (and why) and whether it means Kazuya is dead too.

[Atlantis_Lux]

Spoiler:

I was wondering about Kazuya. So, looking forward for those three deaths ;-)

[WarpObscura]

Is it polite to attempt a second pimping of Prinz von Sommerhoffnung? Some review from the more astute, open-minded, Genre (and content) Savvy members of our fandom would be very much appreciated, considering that my two betas (as is with myself) are engaged in preparing for a promotional examination.

[Saint X]

Greetings,

I am Saint X, resident denizen of the Nearby Nanoha Thread and one of the OC / Fanfic specialists in that universe.

I'm also a fan of the Mai-Series, especially Otome, well as they say back there- high enough technology is magic. And with the Multiverisiality of the my host thread in effect, we tend to drag some in...

Well what i was saying that i have a Planned to Publish work in the HiME/Otome section of FF.net that involves these things

Crossover with another series
Lots of OCs and CCs from both worlds
Integration of Both anime and manga elements
Two sides of the Same Conflict - Me taking care of the Otome side while another friend of mine taking care of the other series side.

- a lot of things... but maybe this snippet from my friend can do:

Spoiler for Die Snippet:

Arika blinked as her weapon rammed into an invisible layer.

The unnamed pilot grinned.

Kha gasped. "That's..."

"Aah!" the Meister Otome screamed as she caught the mechanical's arm bodily. The girl was flung out of control and cratered the shop face, falling flat on her face as momentum rebounded her off the masonry and into the sidewalk.

The Armored Slave took several menacing steps closer as the battered girl, bleeding from cuts all over, struggled to get onto her fours. "Hahaha... Still being cocky, little girl?"

"She won't stand a chance against a Lamba Shielder!" The Cleric yelled and threw all protocol to the wind as he placed a hand onto the parapet and sailed over the edge.

"Kha...?" Fate saw her friend charging forward, and instinctively reached out to him. "Hey wait! We're not supposed to--"

She missed by an inch and Kha plunged headlong towards the imbalanced fight below. His hand was to his chest, his device sending out rays of marine through his clothes.

"Oh Elemental Light, the Truth, the Justice, the Good, I hand this body up to you." He chanted, eyes closed in prayer, as the glow at his throat grew greater and greater. "I beseech you, protect my allies with all our power."

"Oh Gift of the Naaru..." Kha snapped his eyes open with conviction. "Shine! Tausend Kreuz Sakurazaki!"

"Matrix, Activation"

[Insert Long Transformation Scene Here]
---

Same time. High Orbit over Hyren. Her Majesty's Starship (HMS) Athura. Command Bridge.

A reading bearing Kha's portrait came up on Amy's terminal. "Chrono! Sakura's been activated!"

"What?" The captain sat up and barked, "What does that idiot think he's doing?!"

---

A panel in the nameless aggressor's cockpit flickered a warning, and the red Armored Slave shifted back and looked up. Bursting out of his blue transformation bubble, Kha roared as he brought Sakura down hard onto his adversary. The ripples of mana surged out from where he connected with the Slave's barrier, but unlike Arika Kha had his own - "Gotteliches Schield" - deflecting the reflected shock of his own attack.

"Oh a barrier too?" remarked the pilot slyly and pushed the controls deeper. The Armored Slave however found itself being pushed back from Kha's attack, and a second later the shadowed Slave driver jumped the humanoid summoning ten metres back. Kha padded onto the stop in front of the downed Otome. "Not bad kid."

der Kleriker ignored the slight, and shifted back to a proper battle stance. "Pick on one someone your own size, or shall I have to drum it into you?"

Meanwhile, Arika was barely able to stay awake as she flat on her stomach once more. Every part of her felt like it exploded, and nothing moved as it supposed. "This... isn't suppose to happen..."

Her vision swimming, Arika looked at the newcover swathed in white as his barrier shimmered into invisibility. "Who... are you...?"

Kha replied a sidewards glance of his own. "Hang on, I'll be right back."

"Who are you talking TOO?" The Slave roared as it unleashed another hadoken of mana from its fists, the emphasis coinciding with the sudden strain of the throw. Kha was off in a burst of verniers, skating on hoversoles as he rushed into the path of the projectile.
Sakura skittered the next spell - "Segen des Schongebiets" - over her gemstone core and the Gotteliches Schield shimmered as the Blessing spell took effect. The impact of the energy attack was great against the prepared shield, but as the smoke cleared from the suddenly opague shield, it was obvious that Kha was not even slowed.
The bubble twisted into a spire pointed forward, and it pinched off as a rocket toward the mecha's heart. It slammed into the Armored Slave's barrier and it took effort for its pilot to dispell it. Kha made use of the time that spell bought to accelerate - "Greller Schritt" - and plunge his spear blade head-on and into the barrier.

"eingefetteter Blitz!" Sakura announced firmly.

Once again the two shields warred for dominance in a brilliant display of blue versus gray. der Kleriker yanked on the pistol grip a couple of times, loading and discharging two metal cylinders from the mechanism. The Gotteliches Rapier blades glowed brighter; slowly, the head point dug deeper and deeper into the shield.

"No way..." the masked pilot complained under his breath and broke away once more. He began channeling another bolt to throw, but was interrupted by several lance heads of sizzling yellow impacting his weakened shield, with one of them biting through and burning a hole in the plate armor. The mecha teetottered for a second, then the nameless driver regained control.

"Fate...?" Kha questioned half in his mind and half in words as the sorceress in black landed beside him.

She just nodded. "I'll help."

The pilot sweated as he realigned his sights on his targets; he could not believe he was getting out-moded all of a sudden. And his fears grew worse when he heard another voice from above cry, "INDIGNATION!"

"Martel?" quipped Kha as both mages looked up at Hayate holding the Book of Heaven in one hand, and pointing the SchwertKreuz at a growing ball of white. At that point, she released the spell.

"Hræsvelgr!!!"

Sensors screaming blue murder, the pilot moved the mecha to spring into the air, but the massive attack exploded onto the asphalt and into a shockwave that caught the Armored Slave, as well as wrecked the adjacent shopfaces, in the stomach, shredding and melting part of its armor and sending the whole machine flying for a good distance before it crashed into the ground and scattered more parts in all directions.

"Argh, that's enough fun for today." With that the pilot played his fingers and feet, and the limping machine got up and jetted for the Windbloom city borders. "Let's meet again, kid!"

"You're not getting away!" Nanoha yelled as she hefted the Raising Heart into position, rings of sigils closing into orbit around the weapon as magenta magica flowed into the sphere of mass destruction while the device cocked a cartridge in. "DIVINE...

"...Buster." Raising Heart completed, then fired. There was a bang, then a whiz, followed by the thunderous rush of pure energy as the mother of all blasts roared towards the escaping Slave. The pilot could only look back and gasp as his ride was completely swallowed up by the deadly pink. The reactor housing gave under the intense crush, and the whole machine erupted into a massive ball of flame that spewed debris in all directions. Some of the bigger parts crashed to tiled houses and set off chain explosions, others slammed into cars, walls and open spaces. People were running and screaming from the burning deadfall, if they have not already fled when the machine first appeared.

Fate watched the flaming fuselage of the wreck descend upon a distant patch then turned to her partner. "Let's go check for survivors... Huh?"

Kha was not moving; instead he seemed focused on a point in the sky. Fortunately for him, the orange sunset and his iron mask disguised the pinkness of his face.

"Kha? What is it?" Fate asked innocently.

"Ah- huh?" der Kleriker snapped back to reality rather shakened and hastily steadied himself. "Oh it's nothing really."

And so she thought nothing more about it. "We must hurry if we want to retain him for questioning."

Kha watched Fate bound into the air and zip away. Meanwhile his mind went back to what he had seen. "Hayate's wearing pink today... Oi that's a sin! Snap out of it!"

He was about to jet after Fate when he suddenly remembered the girl who had been flattened into the concrete earlier. "Better tend to her first!"

"Hayate-chan!" Nanoha called out as she saw the ship medic stride over debris to reach the fallen Otome below as she flew to the side of the Mistress of the Night Sky. "Should we follow Fate, or remain with Kha?"

"I think we should follow Fate. If there are survivors, she might need support."

Nanoha agreed, and the both of them flitted off.

- i need ideas really...

Please be kind to me people...

[WarpObscura]

Well, Sikon, I like being unique, and my section splitter certainly is, mess though it might be. Now, could I please have some constructive commentary?

[Sikon]

Certainly. I was going to write a review earlier, but I get distracted too easily.

[WarpObscura]

Hahah, don't worry. It happens to the best of us. It might be fair warning, though, to note that it's subtitled "Intelligent, Reference-filled SSStylish Hard Action" for a reason. A good knowledge of what each character looks like, as well as a sharp mind able to handle wordplay, are needed to appreciate it. My two betas did warn me enough that the "average" fan wouldn't be interested in the Lawyer Friendly Cameos aplenty.

[Sikon]

Lawyer Friendly Cameos? o_O

[WarpObscura]

You see, because I avoid naming almost everyone by their official names... Okay, that's not really Cameo, it isn't, if it applies to almost everyone.

[WarpObscura]

Hey, Atlantis_Lux (what d'ya want me to address you as? Will "AL" do, or would you prefer "Lux"?), were there any parts of Prinz von Sommerhoffnung you didn't quite understand?

[Atlantis_Lux]

Lux is fine for me. And you, by the way?

There aren't really parts that I do not understand, but probably (if it's not something you need to keep secret) it would be better if you write down in the end of each chapter the names of the equivalent characters in Mai Hime so that people don't get confused.
Then... I caught the reference to Hellsing when Ywiu releases her powers and here " That which defeats a monster is always a human." but does the same go for the guns of Sommerhoffnung? Anaconda could be the Jackal... could be...
I'm sure there are tons of other cameos that I didn't recognize, but I have a funny feeling here "Svarog shot forth, brutally Materassi-ing the hostile monster". Materassing? Is it a word play that refers to the last soccer world cup?

[WarpObscura]

Warp will do.

The names of the guns reference popular bands. Look up the lyrics that Sommerhoffnung sings and you'll find which ones they are. Draysoph's name is also a musical reference, but specifically an anagram. Yes, the Materassi thing was meant to refer to that incident.

Did you get the "It's a Bridget" one? There are many Devil May Cry references lying around. There's at least one Star Wars reference and one crab-related meme. I also played around with some of the original dialogue to suit the new premises.

If you have any more comments, please do tell. It would help greatly.

[Atlantis_Lux]

Yep! Caught the reference to Devil May Cry. Angel May Laugh right?

But I totally lost the Star Wars one. I suppose I have to read it again.

By the way, what is a Category C ka-chung?

[WarpObscura]

Well, yes, Angel May Laugh was the most obvious, but there are more. For the Star Wars one, you'll want to look back in the later parts of that series. "Ka-chung" is Hokkien for "a$$".

[Sikon]

Sorry about the lack of a review for your story, WarpObscura - I was busy finishing the second half-chapter of mine (the Doctor Who one). Now that it's online, I'll have the review posted tomorrow.

[Sikon]

And here comes the review!

[WarpObscura]

Thanks for it! I reviewed your Who-crossover. I'll take some time here to reply to your review... Or would you prefer it to be Review Reply'd?

It was a bit hard to delve into at first, but easier so after I figured out the

Did you mean to complete the sentence, perhaps with "names of the characters" or something like that?

You handled a number of aspects better than Sunrise - for instance, the conversation between Sommerhoffnung (Mai... yes, I know, she's actually Natsuki's counterpart) and Kan-za-ji (Yuuichi). There's a certain feeling I get when the dialogue is "real-wordly/plausible/flowing" (as opposed to "forced/artificial/convoluted"), when they say exactly what real people thrust into these unfortunate circumstances would probably say.

I daresay I did what I could, but there are some things we Muggles just won't ever experience, eh?

I assume the "Otome character who doesn't appear on screen much but nevertheless plays a significant part in the story" is Lena Sayers?

Got it in one.

There's one thing I couldn't understand from the context. HiME is set in "our" world - and maintains plausible deniability as much as it can. Otome is set in the far future. What about this story? It seems that it uses fictional countries and languages (like Kinglish) on an alternate Earth in a setting inspired by Chinese culture - is this correct?

Actually, the names are amongst the very few things that reference the idea's original roots in the Mega Man Battle Network series. Names like Choina, Electopia, Kingland, Netopia, and Yumland were originally from there, but Gothofurtoa is a modified portmaneau of "Goth" and "Frankfurt" carried out in that series' whimsical naming convention.

First, formatting. Some of it I got covered before - the separators, for example. It may be an artistic choice, but it's really hard to read with separators like these. FFN supports bold and italic fonts, centering (which can be used for titles and separators), horizontal rules and line-breaks. Next time, you can preview the document and make corrections in the browser itself before publishing, even if FFN's uploader mangles the original formatting (it does that constantly).

I'm aware of the editing features, but having to work with them every time I edit the document gets tiring very fast. I'll look into it, though.

Second, while "Quake I symbol" is funny, it's not necessary to call it that - just establish somewhere in the exposition that the KOUTASHI symbol looks like that, and then refer to it as the KOUTASHI symbol from now on. It's better for suspension of disbelief.

Crap, I should have known I wasn't clear enough to distinguish between the KOUTAISHI symbol, that is the spiral, and the alto-clef-entwined-with-the-Quake-symbol. I'll fix the thing sometime in the future.

Third, hair colors. Of course, it's probably just me... but I just regard the convention as a convention, and maintain that if those weird anime hair colors don't exist, they don't exist period. So, for example, in the Doctor Who story, I took the liberty in "retconning" Natsuki and Nina's hair colors because I can't accept that they LITERALLY have blue hair. Of course, one can assume that the convention in this story is just a convention as well, so we can recognize the characters, and they don't literally have these hair colors. Which I will. Even if the Word of Author(tm) tells me otherwise.

I suppose you can treat this however you want. In the end, this sort of detail is minor. Didn't you catch that Lampshade Hang in the first chapter? XD

And fourth, I'll probably mention this objection in a "My MEGAMI" review, but it's not necessary to decipher these wacky acronyms. "HiME" was a borderline case, but it was within the degrees of plausible. Even "乙HiME" was already pushing the borders of "no-way-they-could-have-adopted-something-like-that-ness", and the proposed meaning of "KOUTASHI" was outright silly. There's no need to decipher them, really - we don't know what SEELE, NERV and GEHIRN stand for in Evangelion (except for the meaning of the original German words), but that doesn't in any way damage the story. Some things are better left unexplained - or just ignored.

I sort of figured that out after-the-fact, but I never really wanted to play this 100% straight in the first place.

Having said all that, I'm looking forward to Chapter 4. You seem to be taking a "serious" approach, and as a rabid fanservice hater, I'm eager to see what you'll do with the fanservice-ridden fourth episode.

Well, I couldn't quite figure out how to make that particular episode work, so you'll have to wait, I'm afraid. On the other hand, if you so desire, you may skip ahead to the replacement for Episode 14, which I have made a second draft of. Here: http://community.livejournal.com/maihime/81941.html

I notice you didn't say anything about the various inline references. Any reason why?