Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha Character Creation and Discussion (second reincarnation)

[XenahortCharybdis]

Originally Posted by Kyral

What's that soun-? *is hit by car*

Random thought:

A Dedication to Keroland - lyrics by Lamb

What is that sound
Ringing in my ears
The strangest sound
Ive heard for years and years
The sound of two hearts
Beating side by side
The sound of one love
That neither one can hide-

*Is run down by a subway train for amazing off-topicness*

Originally Posted by LoweGear

... Vivio as Yamato Maihime!!!!!

*RUUUUNZ*

*aims with his sniper rifle on a random rooftop*

No, Mr. Gear.

*BANG*

I expect you to die.

[TheShinySword]

Originally Posted by XenahortCharybdis

Random thought:

A Dedication to Keroland - lyrics by Lamb

What is that sound
Ringing in my ears
The strangest sound
Ive heard for years and years
The sound of two hearts
Beating side by side
The sound of one love
That neither one can hide-

*Is run down by a subway train for amazing off-topicness*

Kaon: oops. My subway slipped.

[Keroko]

Originally Posted by Nya~n

That look... That selection of outfit... Why does it look so familia-.....

Wait for it....

Originally Posted by Nya~n

KEROKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

@__@

Perfect. Now you know why I was so amused during our Nadeshiko chat.

Originally Posted by Nya~n

PS: Syn's VA isn't going to be Chiba Saeko... is she?

*shrug* Haven't settled on her VA yet. What does the thread think?

Originally Posted by LoweGear

Teenage Syn reminds me of Beat Jumper... does that make Syn a tra-

*IS SHOT*

*Reloads Rail Rifle* No.

Originally Posted by Saint X

I did a scan and the image IS Beat Jumper

What's next, Yamato Mai- *shot*

*nods* Beat Jumper was the base. It fits Syn's rebellious spirit.

Originally Posted by Kyral

Maybe she's going for reverse trap!



What's that soun-? *is hit by car*

Don't even go there. *circles around for another run*

Originally Posted by XenahortCharybdis

Random thought:

A Dedication to Keroland - lyrics by Lamb

What is that sound
Ringing in my ears
The strangest sound
Ive heard for years and years
The sound of two hearts
Beating side by side
The sound of one love
That neither one can hide-

*Is run down by a subway train for amazing off-topicness*

Originally Posted by TheShinySword

Kaon: oops. My subway slipped.

*looks at the pulped remains* Brutal.

[Nya~n]

Originally Posted by Keroko

Wait for it....

Perfect. Now you know why I was so amused during our Nadeshiko chat.

You are EVIL.

[Keroko]

Originally Posted by Nya~n

You are EVIL.

Oh you noticed?

[Saint X]

Originally Posted by Nya~n

You are EVIL.

patience...

you need more of it

just a bit more...

:3

[synaesthetic]

Things really get out of hand when I don't have an internet connection at home, I see. @.@

[DKN117]

WARNING: ELEMENTS OF CROSSOVER

Spoiler for sheer length:

Jayson Testarossa: AGE AT DEATH: 67; RELATIVES: Precia (Daughter)
Was one of the five prominent scientific geniuses who worked together to design and create the “Arc-en-Ciel” Slipspace Compression Cannon (uses an ancient techno-magical design found in 130,000-year-old ruins on Al-Hazred – which predate all known human colonizations of the planet – to create a “slipspace bubble” encompassing the target and anything near it, and then causes the ‘bubble’ to compress and collapse in on itself, utterly obliterating anything caught in it), 23 years before the events of the first series; was killed on Midchilda, along with his wife Sera, as one of 79 casualties of a devastating groundquake, 12 years before the events of Nanoha Season 1.

Mikael Alderson-Testarossa: AGE AT DEATH: 31; WIFE: Precia Testarossa (Mikael took her surname as his own due to her higher social standing)
A strategically-gifted man, holding the rank of Rear-Admiral (Upper Half) at the time of his death; returned to the Gentar System bearing horrific news: an unknown and extremely dangerous life form had consumed/infected the rest of his fleet, forcing him to destroy the now-hostile ships; unfortunately, shortly after giving this message after arriving at the outskirts of the system, he was informed that there were more of the creatures onboard his own ship, the Deva; by the time the ship got to high orbit over Gentar IV, almost his entire ship had been consumed, with Mikael and his crew of five others locked on the bridge, the last survivors. To stop the creatures from getting to the planet below, he and the crew decided to self-destruct the ship with them all still on it, to the horror of Mikael’s seven-months-pregnant wife who was listening in on the transmissions from a nearby orbital station; unfortunately, just as the ship was about to go off, some of the creatures hijacked a life-pod and made it down to Gentar IV’s surface, escaping the blast that took Mikael’s life. Within two weeks, the entire planet was overrun, with the creatures nearing an abandoned starport that would have allowed them access to the galaxy at large, and the TSAB had to resort to full-scale orbital plasma bombardment, rendering the entire world a lifeless ball of molten rock and killing the creatures along with 780 uninfected survivors (out of the planet’s original population of 4.7 billion); a dimensional traveler encounter five years after the Wolkenritter Campaign would inform the TSAB of just what could’ve happened if these “Flood” [Native to Galaxy M81] hadn’t been stopped: total galactic infestation and the end of all sentient life. It was determined that the Deva’s sacrifice delayed the Flood’s spread by two days… and they had been three days from the starport when the TSAB started bombing them; this means that Mikael’s sacrifice indirectly saved the galaxy.

Sayuri Lanstar: AGE AT DEATH: 36; HUSBAND: Tarlis Lanstar
Sayuri was not born in the TSAB’s dimension; instead, she was born on an out-of-the-way world with a nonetheless thriving population; the people of this world used ki¬-based techniques instead of magic. Sayuri was the younger sister of the head of a powerful family in one of the major population centers of the planet (she was seen as odd due to having inherited her mother’s orange hair instead of her father’s black, but was still respected). On a routine mission, she fell into a dimensional vortex, being “spit out” on Midchilda with no way to get home (she was declared MIA and presumed dead on her homeworld). She made the best of things, settling in and soon meeting a man, Tarlis, who was in a similar position (though not from her world); also, her presence on Midchilda means she was spared when her nephew Itachi was forced to exterminate the family by a corrupt higher-up in her home town (the man, a “knight-templar” type named Danzō, had placed false evidence of the clan plotting a coup, in an effort to get rid of an obstacle to his ascension as city leader). They soon married, having their first child Tiida, and seven years later having a daughter, Teana. Four years after this, however, a specter of Sayuri’s old life showed up on Midchilda, come to eliminate a potential threat to his own plans: Sayuri’s grandfather, Madara. The man engaged the Sayuri & Tarlis in battle, quickly killing Tarlis. Despite Sayuri awakening her optical ability’s advanced form, she was no match, and was overwhelmed and killed by Madara, cursing him with her last breath. Her 11-year-old son would take responsibility of raising his four-year-old little sister, also learning his parents’ secrets through a secret vid-file left behind by them.

Tarlis ‘Lanstar’: AGE AT DEATH: 39; WIFE: Sayuri Uchiha-Lanstar
Like Sayuri, Tarlis was a stranded dimensional traveler. On his homeworld, he had been a prince, next in line to inherit the throne; however, Tarlis was more practical, more rational, calmer, and less fight-craving than most of his species, something that had his father the King quite perplexed, as Tarlis’ younger brother did not share these traits. Nevertheless, when on an interstellar mission at the age of 16, Tarlis was sucked into a one-way trans-dimensional vortex, leaving his little brother to inherit the line. Tarlis settled down on Midchilda creating the surname “Lanstar” (as his people did not have the traditional idea of a last name), and several years later he met another traveler, Sayuri Uchiha, whom he would soon marry. A few years later, however, Tarlis would hear from dimensional scouts of his homeworld’s destruction at the hands of the youngest prince of the Ician royal family, and would believe his entire race (including his younger brother, Vegeta II) lost. He would pull himself out of his short depression, however, upon learning of the coming arrival of his first child. 11 years later, Tarlis would fall in battle trying to protect his wife Sayuri from her grandfather, shortly thereafter joined in death by Sayuri herself.

Tiida Lanstar: AGE AT DEATH: 18; YOUNGER SIBLING: Teana
After learning of his parents’ true histories, Tiida sought to protect his little sister from any further danger, working hard to train himself to be able to protect her. He enlisted in the TSAB and rapidly rose through their ranks, becoming an A-Rank enforcer at age 17. A year later, while pursuing the wanted mage Teradoc Eisenhorn (whom he had managed to wound but not enough to facilitate capture), Tiida was stopped by a bizarre, spiky-orange-haired figure. Tiida correctly identified the man as a subordinate of the person who’d killed his parents, now sent to kill him as well, and the “man”, who identified himself as “Pain of the Deva Path”, engaged Tiida in battle. Despite putting up an admirable fight, Tiida was ultimately defeated and killed by Pain, his quarry escaping. The lack of knowledge of Tiida’s true killer would lead to his denouncement and ridicule among his higher-ups; one doubts that they’d have demeaned him if they’d known he had actually put up a decent (yet doomed) fight against an SS-Rank foe. Fortunately, Tiida’s efforts ensured that Madara & Pain had no knowledge of Teana’s existence; thinking their job done, Madara’s forces never again came to Midchilda.

Compliments, MINOR nitpicks, constructive criticism accepted; NO FLAMES PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE BE NICE I’M NEW HERE

[synaesthetic]

I'll refrain from discussing your post because I hate Halo and therefore am unfairly biased. =P

[FlameSparkZ]

And I'll refrain from reading it because it's 3 mins to midnight (tired -_-) and because it's too darn long...

...and it's not wrapped in spoiler tags.

[itanshi1]

Likewise, use the format mentioned in the first post and use spoiler tags.

Also, if we're nice to you, that actually means we're being mean to you. No sense soft balling concepts when the goal is to improve it. Doubt anyone will be rude, we tend to yell at each other when that happens then no critique is actually levied and then.

Hmm, welcome to the OCT

[DKN117]

Okay; look up as I am about to shorten it with a spoiler; still don't know how to accurately get the info across with the "proper format", though.

[itanshi1]

I feel charitable, let's see what i can do.

Spoiler for OC list:

Spoiler for Jayson Testarossa:

Jayson Testarossa: AGE AT DEATH: 67; RELATIVES: Precia (Daughter)
Was one of the five prominent scientific geniuses who worked together to design and create the “Arc-en-Ciel” Slipspace Compression Cannon (uses an ancient techno-magical design found in 130,000-year-old ruins on Al-Hazred – which predate all known human colonizations of the planet – to create a “slipspace bubble” encompassing the target and anything near it, and then causes the ‘bubble’ to compress and collapse in on itself, utterly obliterating anything caught in it), 23 years before the events of the first series; was killed on Midchilda, along with his wife Sera, as one of 79 casualties of a devastating groundquake, 12 years before the events of Nanoha Season 1.

Spoiler for Mikael Alderson-Testarossa:

Mikael Alderson-Testarossa: AGE AT DEATH: 31; WIFE: Precia Testarossa (Mikael took her surname as his own due to her higher social standing)
A strategically-gifted man, holding the rank of Rear-Admiral (Upper Half) at the time of his death; returned to the Gentar System bearing horrific news: an unknown and extremely dangerous life form had consumed/infected the rest of his fleet, forcing him to destroy the now-hostile ships; unfortunately, shortly after giving this message after arriving at the outskirts of the system, he was informed that there were more of the creatures onboard his own ship, the Deva; by the time the ship got to high orbit over Gentar IV, almost his entire ship had been consumed, with Mikael and his crew of five others locked on the bridge, the last survivors. To stop the creatures from getting to the planet below, he and the crew decided to self-destruct the ship with them all still on it, to the horror of Mikael’s seven-months-pregnant wife who was listening in on the transmissions from a nearby orbital station; unfortunately, just as the ship was about to go off, some of the creatures hijacked a life-pod and made it down to Gentar IV’s surface, escaping the blast that took Mikael’s life. Within two weeks, the entire planet was overrun, with the creatures nearing an abandoned starport that would have allowed them access to the galaxy at large, and the TSAB had to resort to full-scale orbital plasma bombardment, rendering the entire world a lifeless ball of molten rock and killing the creatures along with 780 uninfected survivors (out of the planet’s original population of 4.7 billion); a dimensional traveler encounter five years after the Wolkenritter Campaign would inform the TSAB of just what could’ve happened if these “Flood” [Native to Galaxy M81] hadn’t been stopped: total galactic infestation and the end of all sentient life. It was determined that the Deva’s sacrifice delayed the Flood’s spread by two days… and they had been three days from the starport when the TSAB started bombing them; this means that Mikael’s sacrifice indirectly saved the galaxy.

Spoiler for Sayuri Lanstar:

Sayuri Lanstar: AGE AT DEATH: 36; HUSBAND: Tarlis Lanstar
Sayuri was not born in the TSAB’s dimension; instead, she was born on an out-of-the-way world with a nonetheless thriving population; the people of this world used ki¬-based techniques instead of magic. Sayuri was the younger sister of the head of a powerful family in one of the major population centers of the planet (she was seen as odd due to having inherited her mother’s orange hair instead of her father’s black, but was still respected). On a routine mission, she fell into a dimensional vortex, being “spit out” on Midchilda with no way to get home (she was declared MIA and presumed dead on her homeworld). She made the best of things, settling in and soon meeting a man, Tarlis, who was in a similar position (though not from her world); also, her presence on Midchilda means she was spared when her nephew Itachi was forced to exterminate the family by a corrupt higher-up in her home town (the man, a “knight-templar” type named Danzō, had placed false evidence of the clan plotting a coup, in an effort to get rid of an obstacle to his ascension as city leader). They soon married, having their first child Tiida, and seven years later having a daughter, Teana. Four years after this, however, a specter of Sayuri’s old life showed up on Midchilda, come to eliminate a potential threat to his own plans: Sayuri’s grandfather, Madara. The man engaged the Sayuri & Tarlis in battle, quickly killing Tarlis. Despite Sayuri awakening her optical ability’s advanced form, she was no match, and was overwhelmed and killed by Madara, cursing him with her last breath. Her 11-year-old son would take responsibility of raising his four-year-old little sister, also learning his parents’ secrets through a secret vid-file left behind by them.

Spoiler for Tarlis ‘Lanstar’:

Tarlis ‘Lanstar’: AGE AT DEATH: 39; WIFE: Sayuri Uchiha-Lanstar
Like Sayuri, Tarlis was a stranded dimensional traveler. On his homeworld, he had been a prince, next in line to inherit the throne; however, Tarlis was more practical, more rational, calmer, and less fight-craving than most of his species, something that had his father the King quite perplexed, as Tarlis’ younger brother did not share these traits. Nevertheless, when on an interstellar mission at the age of 16, Tarlis was sucked into a one-way trans-dimensional vortex, leaving his little brother to inherit the line. Tarlis settled down on Midchilda creating the surname “Lanstar” (as his people did not have the traditional idea of a last name), and several years later he met another traveler, Sayuri Uchiha, whom he would soon marry. A few years later, however, Tarlis would hear from dimensional scouts of his homeworld’s destruction at the hands of the youngest prince of the Ician royal family, and would believe his entire race (including his younger brother, Vegeta II) lost. He would pull himself out of his short depression, however, upon learning of the coming arrival of his first child. 11 years later, Tarlis would fall in battle trying to protect his wife Sayuri from her grandfather, shortly thereafter joined in death by Sayuri herself.

Spoiler for Tiida Lanstar:

Tiida Lanstar: AGE AT DEATH: 18; YOUNGER SIBLING: Teana
After learning of his parents’ true histories, Tiida sought to protect his little sister from any further danger, working hard to train himself to be able to protect her. He enlisted in the TSAB and rapidly rose through their ranks, becoming an A-Rank enforcer at age 17. A year later, while pursuing the wanted mage Teradoc Eisenhorn (whom he had managed to wound but not enough to facilitate capture), Tiida was stopped by a bizarre, spiky-orange-haired figure. Tiida correctly identified the man as a subordinate of the person who’d killed his parents, now sent to kill him as well, and the “man”, who identified himself as “Pain of the Deva Path”, engaged Tiida in battle. Despite putting up an admirable fight, Tiida was ultimately defeated and killed by Pain, his quarry escaping. The lack of knowledge of Tiida’s true killer would lead to his denouncement and ridicule among his higher-ups; one doubts that they’d have demeaned him if they’d known he had actually put up a decent (yet doomed) fight against an SS-Rank foe. Fortunately, Tiida’s efforts ensured that Madara & Pain had no knowledge of Teana’s existence; thinking their job done, Madara’s forces never again came to Midchilda.

Actually many of these appear to be adaptations and not original characters. One is filling in for an existing canon character, which is fine, but is not an OC. We've done things like that before, but it tends to be Touhou or Gundam or whatever. I blame kha. Actually, ask meisterbabylon for his tutelage.

As for profile structure, use this as an example

[DKN117]

Is there a separate forum for fulling in existing canon characters that there is no official data on? Or is this forum the closest we're gonna get?

'Sides that; what do you guys think of them?

[itanshi1]

Yeah closest it'll get, just keep working on them, make them your characters more than just mere adaptations. I'm sure people are reserving opinions on them because of their source inspirations.

[MeisterBabylon]

It's much better to write and describe, and then let us make the connection, than to ruin the fun outright. Just my $0.02.

But now that you've started, welcome to Outer Cadia.



By the way, in case you've haven't heard:

Spoiler:

: ...oops!

: You fail at bumping into people by accident.

: I'm terribly sorry, Miss Yagami. I'm just a little caught up with things... So much to do... I gotta get my hair done... Pick out a dress...

: You're even more unbecoming of a Sister of Belka today. Got up from the wrong side of gravo-swing?

: *holds up a ticket*

: ...what?!

: The Ultimarines are going to have a movie done, and my Choir is going to be the star attraction! Ki-hihihihihi...

: ...that's it?

: What do you mean, "that's it?"

: I thought it was something major, in the end it's just some sleezy flick. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go meet Relic's goons again. Dawn of War II is getting an expansion done, and that's a lot more cutscenes for us at the Blutrabe.

: Why you...

...Games Workshop made a certain announcement.

[Estavali]

I'm not really the best person to do reviews here (quite the contrary, actually, since I'm a very silly fellow), but do allow me to voice my views on your characters =3

Spoiler for My 2 cents:

Originally Posted by DKN117

WARNING: ELEMENTS OF CROSSOVER

Spoiler for Jayson Testarossa:

Jayson Testarossa: AGE AT DEATH: 67; RELATIVES: Precia (Daughter)
Was one of the five prominent scientific geniuses who worked together to design and create the “Arc-en-Ciel” Slipspace Compression Cannon (uses an ancient techno-magical design found in 130,000-year-old ruins on Al-Hazred – which predate all known human colonizations of the planet – to create a “slipspace bubble” encompassing the target and anything near it, and then causes the ‘bubble’ to compress and collapse in on itself, utterly obliterating anything caught in it), 23 years before the events of the first series; was killed on Midchilda, along with his wife Sera, as one of 79 casualties of a devastating groundquake, 12 years before the events of Nanoha Season 1.

Hmm, basically I see no problems here, though I would suggest:

1) Cut down on the 130,000 year thing. According to SSX, Al Hazred still existed in the early years of Belka and the Belkan Wars are hinted to have ended around 300 years or so before the events in StrikerS. Judging from our own histories, it would be reasonable to say that Belka lasted not more than 5000~6000 years as a civilisation. If we go by your original timeline, that would make the Al Hazredian civilisation to be much older than 124,000 years old (since, according to your settings, they had access to advanced technology 130,000 years ago), which imho is seriously stretching it. I would suggest at least getting rid of one 0 and reduce the length of time to no more than 13,000 instead.

2) Was Jayson and Sera still alive around the time Alicia died? If yes, what was their reaction to their granddaughter's death and did they do anything to help the grieving Precia? And while you're there, how's their relationship to Preica and is she the only daughter they have?

It's important imho that these questions have a satisfactory answer as they will have a strong effect on the Precia portion of your plot. Firstly I should think that Precia's madness came as a effect of her unable to pour her grief and self-blame over Alicia's death out through an appropriate manner. If her parents and any siblings are around AND are the supporting type that could help ease her pain, it would be far more difficult for her to become the crazed woman we all know and love (btw, Fate fan-boils will say "HATE!!!" but I tell you, without a cracked Precia, there won't be any Fate around in the first place, so suck it up! >=3). The Madwoman Route would require:

a) no living family nor friends she can turn to. Precia is noted to be an introvert in the novel, something that Fate shared somewhat, and didn't have many friends and probably none of them close enough for her to confide in. Alicia was her only kin in this case and her death left Precia dreadfully alone.

b) family still alive but distant, if not outright unfriendly. This could be worse than having no kin and kith imho; getting cruel and/or unfeeling remarks from your own family can sometimes hurt far deeper than those coming from colleagues and other causal acquintances.

Now, if the elder Testarossas died before Alicia did, you'll need to adjust the timeline here as well, since it's noted in Season 1 that Alicia died around 26 years before the events of that season.

Spoiler for Mikael Alderson-Testarossa:

Mikael Alderson-Testarossa: AGE AT DEATH: 31; WIFE: Precia Testarossa (Mikael took her surname as his own due to her higher social standing)
A strategically-gifted man, holding the rank of Rear-Admiral (Upper Half) at the time of his death; returned to the Gentar System bearing horrific news: an unknown and extremely dangerous life form had consumed/infected the rest of his fleet, forcing him to destroy the now-hostile ships; unfortunately, shortly after giving this message after arriving at the outskirts of the system, he was informed that there were more of the creatures onboard his own ship, the Deva; by the time the ship got to high orbit over Gentar IV, almost his entire ship had been consumed, with Mikael and his crew of five others locked on the bridge, the last survivors. To stop the creatures from getting to the planet below, he and the crew decided to self-destruct the ship with them all still on it, to the horror of Mikael’s seven-months-pregnant wife who was listening in on the transmissions from a nearby orbital station; unfortunately, just as the ship was about to go off, some of the creatures hijacked a life-pod and made it down to Gentar IV’s surface, escaping the blast that took Mikael’s life. Within two weeks, the entire planet was overrun, with the creatures nearing an abandoned starport that would have allowed them access to the galaxy at large, and the TSAB had to resort to full-scale orbital plasma bombardment, rendering the entire world a lifeless ball of molten rock and killing the creatures along with 780 uninfected survivors (out of the planet’s original population of 4.7 billion); a dimensional traveler encounter five years after the Wolkenritter Campaign would inform the TSAB of just what could’ve happened if these “Flood” [Native to Galaxy M81] hadn’t been stopped: total galactic infestation and the end of all sentient life. It was determined that the Deva’s sacrifice delayed the Flood’s spread by two days… and they had been three days from the starport when the TSAB started bombing them; this means that Mikael’s sacrifice indirectly saved the galaxy.

Hmmm, firstly Precia is a divorcee. So you don't really need to add Testarossa to his surname, unless he, like the kids I gave Fate and Yuuno, thinks it's a swell surname and replaced his old, less impressive one with that .

Also, you might want to explain how your dimensional traveller knows what would happen to an unchecked Flood. Did it happen elsewhere too, to far greater success? If so, what's keeping the Flood from continously overflowing to fresher pastures? If you tell me, it's because they are cut off from the dimension where the stage of Nanoha is set, I would say that, if you can have at least one person who can cross dimensions, it is logical that more other can and will do so too, including the Flood. After all, that should be how they found their way to Mikael's fleet, no?

Spoiler for Sayuri Lanstar:

Sayuri Lanstar: AGE AT DEATH: 36; HUSBAND: Tarlis Lanstar
Sayuri was not born in the TSAB’s dimension; instead, she was born on an out-of-the-way world with a nonetheless thriving population; the people of this world used ki¬-based techniques instead of magic. Sayuri was the younger sister of the head of a powerful family in one of the major population centers of the planet (she was seen as odd due to having inherited her mother’s orange hair instead of her father’s black, but was still respected). On a routine mission, she fell into a dimensional vortex, being “spit out” on Midchilda with no way to get home (she was declared MIA and presumed dead on her homeworld). She made the best of things, settling in and soon meeting a man, Tarlis, who was in a similar position (though not from her world); also, her presence on Midchilda means she was spared when her nephew Itachi was forced to exterminate the family by a corrupt higher-up in her home town (the man, a “knight-templar” type named Danzō, had placed false evidence of the clan plotting a coup, in an effort to get rid of an obstacle to his ascension as city leader). They soon married, having their first child Tiida, and seven years later having a daughter, Teana. Four years after this, however, a specter of Sayuri’s old life showed up on Midchilda, come to eliminate a potential threat to his own plans: Sayuri’s grandfather, Madara. The man engaged the Sayuri & Tarlis in battle, quickly killing Tarlis. Despite Sayuri awakening her optical ability’s advanced form, she was no match, and was overwhelmed and killed by Madara, cursing him with her last breath. Her 11-year-old son would take responsibility of raising his four-year-old little sister, also learning his parents’ secrets through a secret vid-file left behind by them.

We discussed this before when another fine chap brought this up with a Negima cross-over: What's the difference between Ki and Mana/Magic? Because the conclusion we arrived, IIRC, was that Ki = Mana, and techniques using Ki = Belkan Style or something similar to it.

Secondly, I find it hard to believe that your Madara can be resourceful enough to track his granddaughter and her family across worlds and yet failed to eliminate her children who would be far less capable of defending or hiding themselves than their parents could. Unless he had plans for them, though your profile for Tiida suggests otherwise. And if Sayuri's curse, which I suppose you ported over from Naruto, the one Naruto's Itachi placed on the Madara there, makes it impossible for Madara to confront the children directly without getting grevious wounds, the alternative is imho really very simple: employ hitmen to do the job for him instead. If he's willing to come after Sayuri personally, it would suggest a determination to weed out all threats, one way or another, and people like this are not going to leave loose ends hanging.

Spoiler for Tarlis ‘Lanstar’:

Tarlis ‘Lanstar’: AGE AT DEATH: 39; WIFE: Sayuri Uchiha-Lanstar
Like Sayuri, Tarlis was a stranded dimensional traveler. On his homeworld, he had been a prince, next in line to inherit the throne; however, Tarlis was more practical, more rational, calmer, and less fight-craving than most of his species, something that had his father the King quite perplexed, as Tarlis’ younger brother did not share these traits. Nevertheless, when on an interstellar mission at the age of 16, Tarlis was sucked into a one-way trans-dimensional vortex, leaving his little brother to inherit the line. Tarlis settled down on Midchilda creating the surname “Lanstar” (as his people did not have the traditional idea of a last name), and several years later he met another traveler, Sayuri Uchiha, whom he would soon marry. A few years later, however, Tarlis would hear from dimensional scouts of his homeworld’s destruction at the hands of the youngest prince of the Ician royal family, and would believe his entire race (including his younger brother, Vegeta II) lost. He would pull himself out of his short depression, however, upon learning of the coming arrival of his first child. 11 years later, Tarlis would fall in battle trying to protect his wife Sayuri from her grandfather, shortly thereafter joined in death by Sayuri herself.

Hmm, are these scouts natives from his own land or are they people working for the TSAB?

If the former, then they should refugees, no? Since their world is lost. In any case, if some of them can reach Tarlis alive, it should be possible for more others to escape as well, which means Tarlis is being too pessimistic/dramatic over the news of his homeworld.

If it's the latter, you'll need to tell us why these scouts are telling Tarlis such news in the first place. AFAIK, such reports are restricted to their superiors only and not just only one they know. Unless, of course, Tarlis is that superior, but that will throw Teana's background out of the window.

And, this is a personal peeve, but don't you think dimensional vortices are being a bit too convenient here?

Spoiler for Tiida Lanstar:

Tiida Lanstar: AGE AT DEATH: 18; YOUNGER SIBLING: Teana
After learning of his parents’ true histories, Tiida sought to protect his little sister from any further danger, working hard to train himself to be able to protect her. He enlisted in the TSAB and rapidly rose through their ranks, becoming an A-Rank enforcer at age 17. A year later, while pursuing the wanted mage Teradoc Eisenhorn (whom he had managed to wound but not enough to facilitate capture), Tiida was stopped by a bizarre, spiky-orange-haired figure. Tiida correctly identified the man as a subordinate of the person who’d killed his parents, now sent to kill him as well, and the “man”, who identified himself as “Pain of the Deva Path”, engaged Tiida in battle. Despite putting up an admirable fight, Tiida was ultimately defeated and killed by Pain, his quarry escaping. The lack of knowledge of Tiida’s true killer would lead to his denouncement and ridicule among his higher-ups; one doubts that they’d have demeaned him if they’d known he had actually put up a decent (yet doomed) fight against an SS-Rank foe. Fortunately, Tiida’s efforts ensured that Madara & Pain had no knowledge of Teana’s existence; thinking their job done, Madara’s forces never again came to Midchilda.

Hmm, generally fine. But unless he's on a convert mission unsupported by a team, or that he encountered the wanted man on his off day and gave chase promptly without informing HQ, I should think the TSAB would have monitered the chase quite closely with reinforcements coming up. That might stretch the part about Pain dropping in and them not knowing about it.

Compliments, MINOR nitpicks, constructive criticism accepted; NO FLAMES PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE BE NICE I’M NEW HERE

I would suggest putting some more effort in these characters to weed out the excessive cross-over parts. And please get some original names for your characters instead of directly carrying over from whatever source they came from. If there's one thing that ports irritate me, that'll be direct rip-offs of names, places, skills. Give your ported characters some pride by giving them a name that truly belongs to them! Also, I will advise including abilities (if any) and character (very important) to flesh them out (and for us to chop off any haxx before it gets a chance to grow =3). As of now, these profiles don't really tell us much about who they are and how they will impact your story.

Also, please do not expect us to go too easy on you when the need arises. We can and should be civil in our criticisms, but I am told that medicine works best when it's bitter, and the best lessons are taught with both the carrot and the stick.

And please write your profiles in proper paragraphs. Right now, it's not easy to read what you're writing, with everything all mashed up @______@

My 2 cents =3

[Sheba]

Originally Posted by itanshi1

. We've done things like that before, but it tends to be Touhou or Gundam or whatever.e[/URL]

I beg to differ. In the order of obvious or most seen, it is Type-Moon > WH40k + Warcraft > Kamen Rider > Gundam > Cool anime of the season (1) > Cool FPS of the season >>>>>>>>> Touhou >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> The others.

I would note about Touhou that the more known fans in this thread had been less obvious about their ports, not to mention that mentioned ports are few.

Spoiler for note (1):

(1) In the first days of OCT1, it was GUREN LAGANN all over the place LIKE THAT IN RED!. Then it was Code Geass, then Gundam Zero and Code Geass aagin. See the pattern?

[DKN117]

...You know, maybe I should have just kept them to myself, never introducing them to the public eye and keeping them for the mega-crossover fanfics I write for myself that are never posted on the web, remaining in my computer's documents for my eyes alone. I'm getting the vibe that it would've been best at this point.

[itanshi1]

I dunno, I'd be flattered to get reviews at all. To think one was a non magical, non combatant lawyer. :P

My original attempts are pretty flat out ignored, but alas I keep working on them and plan on re announcing them once I have a full grasp of them. You are getting more positive attention than many of us here ^^;