A Laugh A Day

[Kristen]

Two musical chords walked into a bar. The bartender immediately escorted one of them out.
"Why can't I come in?" asked the chord
To which the bartender replied, "We don't serve minors."

(Yay band geeky jokes!)

[Tonytime20]

Spoiler for Largeness:

The picture is a hoax, but still funny Thanks Jenny for the picture ^_^

[User65554]

haha, not sure if this is a hoax, but its still funny;

Spoiler for What is George W. Bush's first name?:

[Tonytime20]

Originally Posted by VK-Pitt

haha, not sure if this is a hoax, but its still funny;

Spoiler for What is George W. Bush's first name?:

Nice. I'm not sure either but it's funny. Is that a German version? I haven't seen that show in ages so I don't know by looking at the host. Awesome pictures though. Funny

[User65554]

I'd assume it's the German version, of course if it wasn't I'd understand how she couldn't get the question right

Spoiler for More:

Dumb Britain, REAL answers to quiz questions from British satirical magazine Private Eye

Fifteen-to-One, C4
William G. Stewart: Above the entrance to which place do the words “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here” appear?
Contestant: A church?
Stewart: Er, sorry, no, hell.

Beg, Borrow or Steal BBC 2
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

The Weakest Link, BBC2
Anne Robinson: In the Lord's Prayer, what word beginning with 'H' meaning 'blessed' comes before 'be thy name'?
Contestant: (quietly) Howard.
Anne Robinson: (incredulously) Pardon?
Contestant: (louder) Howard.

Big Quiz, LBC
Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court.
Contestant: Lepers.

Quizmania, ITV
Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with "T"
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it’s "T". "T" for Tommy. "T" for Tango. "T" for Tintinnabulation.
Contestant: Oh right... (pause)... Doctor.

National Lottery shows, BBC1
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what?
Contestant: Jelly.

Beacon Radio, Wolverhampton
DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Contestant: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

Breakfast Show, Radio Hallam, Sheffield
Presenter: Of which European country is Lisbon the capital?
Contestant: Australia.
Presenter: Sorry, that's the wrong answer; we'll go to the next caller.
2nd contestant: I was going to say Australia as well. Is it Gibraltar?

[siya]

So, from what I'm reading this is a place to post randomness...Ok then..

Did you all know there is sport called "Dwarf Tossing" where you littereally see how far you can throw a dwarf?

[User65554]

The Top 10 Wierdest Things You Can Buy on Amazon

Spoiler for For those too lazy to follow the link:

10. Ultimate Anal Douche Hygienic System (now with easy to clean rectal syringe!)

9. Anti-Monkey Butt Powder

8. Unisex Gothic Fairy Lingerie

7. Fresh Whole Rabbit

6. The Toilet Monster

5. Relaxman Relaxation Capsule

4. Dagobert Wooden Toilet Throne

3. ISS (It’s So Simple) Mouse Trap

2. Uranium Ore

1. JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank

[Aoie_Emesai]

Originally Posted by VK-Pitt

The Top 10 Wierdest Things You Can Buy on Amazon

Spoiler for For those too lazy to follow the link:

10. Ultimate Anal Douche Hygienic System (now with easy to clean rectal syringe!)

9. Anti-Monkey Butt Powder

8. Unisex Gothic Fairy Lingerie

7. Fresh Whole Rabbit

6. The Toilet Monster

5. Relaxman Relaxation Capsule

4. Dagobert Wooden Toilet Throne

3. ISS (It’s So Simple) Mouse Trap

2. Uranium Ore

1. JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank

I remember reading about that a while ago ^^

****

I laughed at this one cause it was so silly ^^

More jokes for ya ^_^

Spoiler for The Lucky Frog:

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit.9 Iron"
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,"What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit.$3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

Spoiler for Moron:

One day a college proffessor was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was a moron, and if they were, they should stand. After a minute a young man stood up. The professor then asked the
kid if he actually thought he was a moron. The kid replied, 'No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself'

Spoiler for Dorm Rules:

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female
students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

Spoiler for Bill Clinton's Clock:

This man went to heaven and at the Pearly Gates Saint Peter met him to show him around. As they were walking around heaven the man noticed all these clocks sitting around and asked St. Peter what they were for. St. Peter replied, "Every person that is still alive down on earth has a clock that is monitoring that person. And every time a person tells a lie the clock's hand will move one click. For instance, see that clock over there that is moving one click every five minutes?... well that is John Benson a car salesman and every time he tries to close a deal he tells a lie and the clock's hand moves one click. See that clock over there that has cobwebs and rust over it?... well that is for Widow Mary, she NEVER tells a lie and goes to church every Sunday, she is one of the best."
So the man looks around and says, 'Well, where is Bill Clinton's clock???'.
St. Peter just smiled and said, "Hell, we use his clock for a ceiling fan!!!!!!!!

Spoiler for The Best Shot:

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, ''What the heck is taking so long? Hit the ball!''
The guy answers, ''My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.''
''Give me a break! You don't stand a chance of hitting her from here.''

Spoiler for The Angry Wife:

An angry wife met her husband at the door.

There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

Spoiler for POTENTIALLY and REALISTICALLY:

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he`d sleep with Tom
Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in
a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we`re sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we`re living with two sluts and a queer."

[Grimkill7]

Truly a great moment in humanity.

[NoSanninWa]

Originally Posted by Grimkill7

Truly a great moment in humanity.

It truly makes me embarassed to be a human.

[jedinat]

Originally Posted by Grimkill7

Truly a great moment in humanity.

I was at first struck by the ladder actually having a "Bat Ladder" label in case its function ever came into question. Then I was blown away by the visceral shark attack occurring instantaneously after batman somehow went from almost on the boat to waste-deep in water. Though, the Shark Repellent (bat edition) you have to admit was a stroke of genius. And then how Robin inexplicably stopped halfway down the ladder just so he could hand it to batman upside down? The epitome of suspense, only topped by the way the inflatable shark exploded upon hitting the water.

[Spectacular_Insanity]

Originally Posted by VK-Pitt

The Top 10 Wierdest Things You Can Buy on Amazon

Spoiler for For those too lazy to follow the link:

10. Ultimate Anal Douche Hygienic System (now with easy to clean rectal syringe!)

9. Anti-Monkey Butt Powder

8. Unisex Gothic Fairy Lingerie

7. Fresh Whole Rabbit

6. The Toilet Monster

5. Relaxman Relaxation Capsule

4. Dagobert Wooden Toilet Throne

3. ISS (It’s So Simple) Mouse Trap

2. Uranium Ore

1. JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank

WTF URANIUM ORE!?!!?!? Well so much for national security. "Hello, yes, I'd like to order 20 lbs of uranium ore. Express delivery please." So.... is shipping and handling included in the cost?

Originally Posted by Grimkill7

Truly a great moment in humanity.

...

Shark Repellent Bat Sprays.... Holy sardines, Batman. And thank you for putting the sign on the ladder, because otherwise I NEVER would have been able to figure out what it was....

[Kang Seung Jae]

Originally Posted by Spectacular_Insanity

WTF URANIUM ORE!?!!?!? Well so much for national security. "Hello, yes, I'd like to order 20 lbs of uranium ore. Express delivery please." So.... is shipping and handling included in the cost?

But how are you going to refine it

[Spectacular_Insanity]

Originally Posted by Kang Seung Jae

But how are you going to refine it

Oh, I bet you could probably order a refinery to go with it. The cost of shipping would be astronomical, though.

[User65554]

The refinery was probably at no. 11, just edged out of the top ten by the Ultimate Anal Douche Hygienic System.

[Terrestrial Dream]

Originally Posted by Grimkill7

Truly a great moment in humanity.

Lol, wtf? Shark Repellent, exploding sharks? That was probably the funniest thing I saw in awhile.
Probably most ingenious invention in human history.

[Miko Miko]

Originally Posted by Aoie_Emesai;

Well... I'm back to fill up this thread, once again.


Bar Food -

Spoiler:

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $5.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes" she purrs "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

I found these two to be quite funny even though they only recieved a 7.0 - 7.4 rating.

that made me LOL

[Aoie_Emesai]

Batmans greatest enemy, the shark for the ocean, lol ^_^

[Spectacular_Insanity]

Bumblebee tuna.

When I saw this video, I thought of this thread. I lol'd.

[Dxon]

All made me laugh!