Well... I'm going to count by the date of the first post, but...
The thread has existed for 107 days, as of now. As of this post, there are 10015 posts. This means 10015 / 107 = approximately 93.59 posts per day. This thread is BEAST on CRACK.
EDIT: Well, if I adjust for that post... It'll be 96 days, and 9965 posts. So 103.8 posts per day. Even moar CRACKish.
Also need to add (so very late), for a name why dont we try Joan Smith?
I always was amazed at how John sounds like Kyon.... so, Joan might be the closet female match to Kyon...
(someone come up with a better one... I know there is a better match but my brain doesnt want to think right now)
I dunno if I'm stepping out of line with this, but...
Spoiler for edit of shaoron's Disappearance, Chapter 6.:
Swish, swish
A swishing sound whisked past my ear.
As I slowly regained my consciousness from the darkness, my mind began to think groggily.
Maybe it was a dream. From what I can recall, it seemed like a very interesting dream. Usually when you wake up, you would find a dream interesting for about five minutes. But when you begin to brush your teeth, the details start to become blurry, and by the time breakfast is ready, you'll have forgotten about it completely. By the time you realize it, all that's left in your mind is the impression "that sure was an interesting dream." I've already gone through this experience many times.
There were also times when I've had dreams that were hardly interesting, but the details were crystal clear, and remained etched in my mind for quite some time. Maybe those were dream-like experiences, just like that night when I was trapped in the Sealed Dimension with Haruki, an experience that had really occurred, but had subconsciously been treated as non-existent.
That was the first thing I thought of when I opened my eyes.
The ceiling was white; I wasn't in my own room. The translucent orange sunlight dyed the walls, which were as white as the ceiling, all sorts of colors. I wondered if it were morning or evening.
"Oh my."
For a mind that had just started to become clear, this voice sounded as pleasant as church bells would sound to a faithfully religious person.
"You're finally awake. Seems like you were sleeping quite comfortably."
I turned my head to find the owner of the voice. There sat the pretty girl on a chair next to my bed, using a kitchen knife to slice the apple in her hand. Swish swish- The apple skin smoothly peeled off and hung downwards.
"Normally I would say good morning, but the sun's setting right now."
Koizumi Itsuko revealed her flirty smile.
Koizumi placed the sliced apples into the tray and placed it on the table by the bedside. She then took another apple from a paper bag and smiled as she said to me,
"Thank goodness you've finally woken up. I was really at a loss for what to do. Ah... Your eyes look quite confused. Do you recognize me?"
"I was about to ask you that. Do you know who I am?"
"What a strange question. Of course I do."
It was easy to tell which Koizumi this one was just by looking at her uniform.
She was wearing a navy blue sailor uniform and not the black blazer.
It was the North High uniform.
One of my arms was placed outside the blanket. On top hung a bag with some fluid injected into it. I looked at that thing and asked,
"What day is it today?"
Koizumi revealed an expression that, for her at least, was one of astonishment.
"Is that the first question you've asked after waking up? It seems like you have an idea of your own situation. As for your answer, it is now past five in the afternoon on the 21st of December."
"Twenty-first huh..."
"Yes, today is the third day since you went into a coma. Say ah."
Koizumi sat on the bed and and forcibly and flirtatiously shoved a small slice of apple in my mouth. Though annoyed, that wasn't my main concern right now. The third day? Coma?
"Where is this place?"
"A private hospital."
I took a look around. It was an impressive single-bed ward, and I was sleeping in the bed. For me to actually check in to a single-bed ward, my family must be quite rich, and I never realized.
"A friend of my uncle happens to be the warden of this hospital, so you get special treatment when you check in here."
Turns out my family isn't rich after all.
"Well, thanks to the intervention of the 'Organization,' you can stay here cheaply for a year with no questions asked. I was also given the privilege to to change your clothes. And that's not the only thing I did.”
She said that with a wink at the end. Maybe it was the scowl, or maybe it was when I was trying to grab the knife from her, because she stood up and sat on the chair where she was first seated and continued peeling apples.
“Tee hee. I'm only kidding. I was worried sick and couldn't think properly at that time. I'm relieved that it only took you three days to wake up again. No, no, it has nothing to do with money. My superiors basically tore me apart for allowing something like this to happen to you while under my watch, and I even have to prepare a letter expressing my remorse."
Three days before the 21st would be the 18th. What was I doing on that day? ...Ah, I remember. I was near the verge of death due to massive blood loss, and so they sent me to hospital... No wait, something wasn't right.
I anxiously looked at the hospital gown I was wearing, then placed my hand on my right abdomen.
I could feel nothing. Normally a wound would feel numb, but it hardly even itched. It would be impossible to recover from such a wound in three days, unless someone patched me up all the way from scratch.
"What was the reason for my hospitalization? Because of my coma?"
"So you've forgotten. Well, guess I can't really blame you for it, since you took quite a heavy knock to your head."
I touched my head. All I could feel was my hair, there was no bandage or any protective netting on it.
"What's amazing is that you didn't suffer any external injuries nor any internal bleeding. Your brain functions were working normally as well. Even the attending physician was baffled. They didn't know what was wrong with you."
"But...," Koizumi continued,
"We witnessed how you fell down the flight of stairs. It sure looked horrible back then. To be honest, I think our faces all went blue. The sound of you crashing to the ground was so loud that I wouldn't have been surprised if you'd fallen unconscious for good. Would you like to know what happened?"
"Go ahead."
Accordingly, as I was walking down the stairs of the club room complex, maybe I tripped or something, I just tumbled downwards and landed with my head on the ground. Wham! I then stopped moving.
The way Koizumi described it sounded as though it really did happen.
"Things were pretty chaotic after that. We had to call the ambulance and get an unconscious you to the hospital. Suzumiya-san's face was all panic and it was the first time I ever saw him look like that. Oh, the one calling the ambulance was Nagato-san. It was his calmness that saved your life."
"How did Asahina-san react?"
Koizumi shrugged her shoulders and said,
"He reacted the way you would expect. He grabbed hold of you and cried as he kept calling your name."
"So what time on the 18th did all that happen? Which stairway was it?"
I fired my questions in quick succession, since the 18th was the day the world changed drastically and I went into a state of panic.
"You even forgot about that as well? It was right after noon, just after the SOS Brigade had finished its meeting. It happened just as the five of us were about to go out to buy something."
Buy something?
"You don't even have memory of that? Are you sure you're not faking your amnesia?"
"It doesn't matter, please continue."
The smile on Koizumi's lips became gentle.
"The agenda for the meeting, hmm, was for what to do on Christmas Day. Suzumiya-san said there was a party for little kids near his place, and the SOS Brigade would make a guest performance there. This was so that Asahina-san's Santa costume could be put to good use. He would dress up as a gorgeous and “manly” Santa and hand out presents to the kids. This merry event was all organized by Suzumiya-san."
Here we go again; that guy is just plain reckless!
"Yet, it wouldn't be realistic just to have a Santa. So Suzumiya-san decided to let one of the members dress up as an elf and help Asahina-san. In the end we had to draw lots... Who do you think was the lucky winner? Do you remember now?"
I have absolutely no recollection of it at all. If one could remember something that doesn't even exist in her memories, then she is an impressive liar. She would need to be checked in to another hospital. Though it was useless telling Koizumi about this.
"Never mind, just know that you were the lucky one. As we had to make an elf costume for you, we had to go out to buy some materials, and it was when we were walking down the stairs that you fell."
"Now that sounds really stupid for me."
Hearing me say that, Koizumi raised his eyebrows.
"As you were walking at the back, no one really saw how you fell. We only saw you falling from the side like this," Koizumi demonstrated by deliberately letting the apple tumble off her right hand before catching it with her left, "You basically tumbled over and over."
Koizumi continued to peel the apple skin.
"We quickly rushed towards you, who had become motionless. Suzumiya-san said he felt there was someone at the top of the stairs. He saw someone's jacket just at the corner there, but it disappeared thereafter. I found it strange as well, so I did some research. At that time, there was no one else in the building besides us. Even Nagato-san shook his head. That guy just disappeared like a phantom. We've been waiting for you to wake up all this time so we could ask you who it was that pushed you..."
I didn't remember that. At that moment, I was sure that would be the most appropriate answer. It was just a normal accident. I was careless, all I could say is tough luck for me. I guess I'll leave it at that.
"Only you came to visit me?"
Where was Haruki? I had wanted to ask, but in the end didn't. Yet Koizumi still chuckled and said, "You've been looking around all this time. Are you looking for someone? Don't you worry, we've been taking turns looking after you. Before you opened your eyes, there was always someone by your side. I think it's about time for Asahina-san to arrive."
I was unsettled by Koizumi's gaze; she looked as though she was meeting a friend that actually believed her April Fool's joke, and was lost for words. What was she trying to insinuate?
"Oh, nothing really. I was just feeling envious of you. You could say those were envious looking eyes."
Why are you saying this to a patient that has knocked her head?
"While we regular members have to rotate to watch over you, the Commander sees it as part of his responsibilities to worry about the safety of his members..."
Koizumi elegantly peeled off all the skin from the apple, then sculpted it into a rabbit shape. She then stood up and tried to feed the apple slices to me again. Will you stop that and just say what you have to say?
"Suzumiya-san has been here all along, since three days ago he has never left this place."
I turned towards the other side of the bed where Koizumi was pointing.
"..."
And there he was.
Wrapped tightly inside a sleeping bag was Haruki, his mouth opened wide, drool coming out from the side of his mouth. It's really a surprise how I didn't notice him with that loud snore of his.
"We were all worried about you, both him and I."
She sounded so sad; it felt like some soap opera.
"You should've seen how distressed Suzumiya-san looked... No, we'll leave that for next time. Anyway, isn't there something you need to do right now?"
Why does everyone like to order me around!? Asahina-san (big) was like that, now even this Koizumi... But, I didn't begrudge them. And I couldn't care less if all those apples sliced by Koizumi were an offering to some deity.
"Yeah," I said.
I really felt like drawing on his face. Maybe next time, I'll have all the time to do that.
I sat up straight and stretched my arm to touch that seemingly angry looking face of his.
I stroked his hair and quickly felt nostalgic about his neck-long hair. As if to spite me, that short dark hair of his began to move.
Haruki had woken up.
"...Umm...hmm?"
Haruki moaned as he struggled to open his eyes, and by the time he realized who was pinching and pulling his face...
"AH!?"
He tried to leap up at once, but failed miserably as he had forgotten he had zipped himself inside the sleeping bag, and so smacked his face into the floor, then rolled and crawled about like an inchworm. Eventually he managed to get himself free, almost ripping the sleeping back to shreds might I add, and proceeded to point a finger at me and started cursing,
"Damn you Kyon! Why couldn't you notify me first before waking me up!? I wasn't even mentally prepared!"
Now that's asking for the impossible. Yet seeing you yelling and cursing was more effective than any medicine for me.
"Haruki."
"What?"
"Wipe your drool."
Haruki's face twitched for a while, he quickly rubbed his mouth, and then stared at me with that scowl of his,
"You... Are you sure you didn't draw anything on my face?"
I was tempted to.
"Hmph. Well, don't you have anything to say?"
I gave him a reply that he would expect,
"Sorry to make you worry."
"Well, I'm glad you are. After all, worrying about the well-being of the brigade members is one of the responsibilities of a commander!"
Haruki's cussing sounded like heavenly singing. I don't exactly know why, but I grabbed Haruki's collar and hugged him tightly. At that moment, a soft knock emitted from the door and then it opened.
As the third visitor standing outside the door saw me,
"Ah, ahh, aaahhhh..."
He proceeded to make a series of frantic sounding noises. Standing there with a vase in his hands, was none other than the second year North High schoolboy with a cute child-like face, and our resident butler. Haruki pushed himself out of my grip as I greeted Asahina-san.
"Hey... Asahina-san, hi there,"
I wasn't sure whether I should say long time no see, for me at least I couldn't tell.
"Sniff......"
Tears started to trickle from Asahina-san's eyes,
"Thank goodness... Oh... Thank goodness..."
I really wanted to embrace him like last time, who knows, Asahina-san was probably thinking the same thing. Though he seemed to have forgotten to put down the vase, and only stood there crying.
"Aren't you overreacting a bit? She just knocked her head and fainted. I knew all along that Kyon wouldn't sleep like this forever."
A sense of gratefulness could be heard within Haruki's voice, and he continued without even looking at me,
"As I've already mentioned before, the SOS Brigade works 365 days a year without rest. Nobody is allowed to take a day off. I'll never accept a lame excuse like bumping one's head and going into a coma for sick leave, absolutely never. Do you understand, Kyon? The price for going AWOL for three days is very high. You'll be fined! Not just a regular fine, but an overdue fine on top of that as well!"
Koizumi began chuckling, Asahina-san's giant tear drops trickled endlessly to the ground, while Haruki turned his face away. At first glance it would seem that he looked mad.
I looked at them and then nodded my head and shrugged my shoulders,
"All right then, including the overdue fine, how much do I need to pay in total?"
Haruki stared at me, the smile on his face was beaming so brightly that it was hard to believe he was mad a while ago. He really is a very simple guy.
In the end it was decided that I would have to pay the bill for everyone in the coffee shop for three consecutive days. As I pondered whether to terminate my existing time deposit...
"One more thing..."
There's more?
"Yup, I still haven't gotten around to compensation for all the trauma you've caused. Ah yes, Kyon, for the Christmas party, instead of Asahina-san, you'll be dressed up as a Santa girl and perform some spectacular stunts for us. You have to play until you get all of us laughing! If it's too boring, I'm gonna have to kick you to an alternate dimension! You'll need to do that as well for the kids' party. You hear!?"
With a gaze as bright as the light from a prism, Haruki once again began ordering me about. I have a very bad feeling about this.
While I was now fully awake, it didn't mean I could get discharged right away. After the doctor came to have a look at me, I was sent to be examined on all sorts of machines, it was so complicated and annoying that it felt as though they were trying to remake me into a cyborg. Then again, maybe it wouldn't be so bad with all the abuse I get from Haruki. My body would be able to cope with such stress if I was a cyborg.
After spending a whole day on all sorts of body checks, I was going to have to spend the night in the ward again. For me, tonight would truly be my first night in the hospital, and since I'd never been in a hospital, I might as well experience what it felt like.
Haruki, Koizumi, and Asahina-san were just about to leave when my dad and brother came to visit me. Haruki sounded very courteous as he spoke to them, I never knew he could be this polite, so it was kind of surprising.
As I spent time chatting with my dad and brother, my mind was occupied with various thoughts.
If things continued the way they were, what would've happened next? Nagato, Koizumi, and Asahina-san would just be regular human beings without any supernatural background whatsoever. Nagato would be a silent bookworm from the Literature Club, Asahina-san would be an ordinary (but extraordinarily cute) upper classman, while Koizumi would be a normal transfer student studying in another school.
And Haruki would probably just be an eccentric high school student.
Perhaps under such settings, an interesting story can be written as well. There would no longer be any need to learn about the truth of this world, nor would there be any need to worry about any changes caused. It would just be a normal story without any connection to this dysfunctional world.
I probably wouldn't play any role in that story. All I could do there was just peacefully live my normal high school life and graduate without incident.
Which world would I be happier with?
I think I know the answer to that now.
It was only in this "present world" could I be happy. Otherwise why would I risk losing my life just to come back to this world?
What about you? Which world would you choose? I'm sure the answer would be pretty obvious. Or am I the only one who would think like that?
After my family went home and the lights in the ward went out, I could only stare at the ceiling. As I had nothing better to do, I decided to close my eyes.
For the past three days, in this world that is, I was told I had spent all that time sleeping.
In that case...
If the world had become like that, that meant that it'd been changed.
This world had already been changed twice. The world that was distorted by Nagato had changed once again to the original world as it is now. So who was it that made the second change?
It couldn't be Haruki. For those three days, Haruki didn't have such powers, and the Haruki of this world didn't even know the world had changed.
Then, who could it be?
Saving my life by catching Asakura's blade with his bare hands, there could only be one person with the ability to do such a thing...
That would be Nagato.
Besides, before I lost consciousness, I saw two Asahina-sans. The second one wasn't the adult Asahina-san, but my senpai Asahina-san. He was none other than the cute upper classman from the future that I was very familiar with.
There was another person, the mysterious voice that spoke to me near the end. I knew I'd heard that voice before.
I tried to recall who it was, but very quickly I realized I didn't even need to try.
That was my own voice.
"I see, so that's how it was,"
In that case...
I would have to travel back to that time period again. The time would have to be early morning on December the 18th, and I had to go with the Asahina-san and Nagato of this time period.
Only then could the world be restored to its present state.
Asahina-san would be responsible for bringing me and Nagato back to that time period, while Nagato's mission was to amend his past self, who had gone astray for the past three days. Though I wouldn't know whether he would use Haruki's powers or the powers of the Integrated Data Sentient Entity.
I too had a role to play in this as well.
That's what I thought anyway. If I hadn't heard my own voice speaking back then, I wouldn't be here today. In order to preserve my present existence, I would need to go back and say the same thing to my past self,
"Sorry about that. I have my reasons for not rescuing you right away, but don't hate me for it. After all, it was painful for me as well. Anyway, we'll take care of the rest. No, I already know what to do now, and you will as well. So go get some sleep for now."
I repeatedly memorized these lines in my head. That's what I said if I recalled correctly. While I couldn't guarantee that it'd be correct word for word, the meaning should be the same.
In place of the me who got stabbed by a katana, the one using the needle-gun would be my destined role.
As for the reason why I couldn't save my past self from being stabbed by Asakura, I understood that as well. From the tone of my future self's voice, I didn't sound like I ran over in a hurry. I must have hidden somewhere nearby before hand. Asahina-san and Nagato also came out cue on time. It couldn't be too early, nor could it be too late. I had to wait until I got stabbed by Asakura. Why was that? Because of my past self, that was something that had already happened. To quote Asahina-san,
"This is a predetermined event,"
What a pain that was.
It was now late at night, but I wasn't in the mood to sleep.
I was waiting. Waiting for what, you ask? Of course I was waiting for the only person among the people I knew who had yet to visit me. It'd be a joke if he didn't come.
I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling all this time. It was only late in the night, when visiting hours were long over, that my patience was rewarded.
The door to the ward slowly opened, the light from the corridor revealed the shadow of a figure on the floor.
Standing there was the figure of the last person to come visit me, Nagato Yuuki.
As usual, Nagato said without any emotion,
"I am responsible for everything that has happened."
For some reason, I felt nostalgic at hearing this calm voice.
"My punishment is currently being assessed."
I lifted my head and asked,
"Assessed by whom?"
"The Integrated Data Sentient Entity."
Nagato said calmly, as though it had all happened to someone else instead.
Of course, Nagato had long known he would create a ruckus on the morning of December 18th. Because I had gone to visit Nagato three years ago with the adult Asahina-san. He knew all along, and he tried his best to prevent it from happening. Yet there was no way to stop the tide. Sometimes even if you knew what was about to happen, you just couldn't avoid it. No, it was possible to avert it...
I suddenly thought of the behavior and mannerisms of Nagato after summer, which were slightly different from before,
"But," I interrupted him, "If you knew you were going to go astray three years ago, you could've told me any time, couldn't you? Whether it was after the school festival, or before the baseball tournament. In that case, I would've been able to take action earlier in that specific time on December 18th. Then all that would've needed to be done would be to call everyone out and travel back to three years ago again,"
Nagato's expression was as cold as ice, there was hardly a smile,
"If I had told you beforehand, my astray self would still have been able to erase all your memories concerning the incident and change the world. Besides, no one can guarantee that something that hasn't happened will ever occur. The best I could do was to keep you in your original state when December 18th arrived."
"Didn't you leave an Escape Program for me? That was more than enough already!"
As I was thanking him, I began to grow angry. But I wasn't angry at Nagato, neither was I angry at myself.
The blank voice echoed through the walls of the ward,
"I cannot guarantee that I won't go astray again in the future. As long as I continue to exist, my internal errors will continue to accumulate. This is a very dangerous possibility."
"BULLSHIT! Relay this message for me."
Hearing me swear, Nagato's head tilted back about two centimeters. He even blinked. I have to agree, that was something very unladylike. But that's not the point right now.
I reached out and grabbed one of his arms. Nagato did not resist.
"Tell this to your boss, so listen carefully. If he ever thinks of letting you disappear, then I'm going to let all hell break loose. I'm going to get you back, no matter what it takes. I may not have any powers, but I'm pretty good at provoking Haruki,"
I did indeed have a trump card in provoking Haruki. All I needed to do was tell him, "My name is Mary Smith."
That's right. While my powers were as good as a useless bum, that idiot Haruki happened to possess enormous powers. Once Nagato disappeared, I would tell everything to that guy until he believed me. And then we would embark on our journey to rescue Nagato. Even if Nagato's boss hid him away or eliminated him, Haruki would always think of some way to turn the tables, at least I'd make him think of a way. Who knows, Koizumi and Asahina-san may even lend a hand. By then, who would give a damn about some Data Entity from some unknown corner of the universe!? What difference did it make whether that thing existed or not!?
Nagato was our friend. And if someone from the SOS Brigade was to go missing, Haruki would never let the matter rest. And it wasn't just Nagato, if Koizumi, or Asahina-san, or I had suddenly left, even by our own will, that guy wouldn't give us up so easily. He would resort to anything to bring us back. That's Suzumiya Haruki, the pushy, self-centered, inconsiderate and troublesome king bastard of the SOS Brigade for you.
I stared furiously at Nagato,
"If your boss even tries to do anything funny, then I'll join up with Haruki and transform the world completely. We'll create a world similar to the one in those three days, where you exist but the Integrated Data Sentient Entity doesn't. I'm sure they'll be even more disappointed if that happens. Observation target? Observation my ass!"
My anger intensified as I spoke.
I had no idea how sentient the Integrated Data Entity was, but he should've been pretty smart. He was probably one of those that could calculate pi to the hundred millionth decimal point in just two seconds and do all sorts of advanced tricks.
If that was true, then I have to tell him something.
I'm sure it would be a piece of cake for you guys to give Nagato a more human-like personality. Before he became a psychotic killer, Asakura was quite popular in class, not to mention being open and friendly. He'd even call out some classmates to hang out during holidays. If you could create someone like him, why must you set Nagato as a lonely little schoolboy sitting and reading a book all by himself in the Literature Club room? Are you thinking that if his personality wasn't set that way, then it wouldn't look like a Literature Club, that he wouldn't attract Haruki's attention? Who made such a decision anyway?
At this point I noticed I was clutching Nagato's hand strongly. Yet the book-loving Interactive Humanoid Interface did not begrudge me at all.
Nagato simply looked straight at me, and then slowly nodded his head,
"I will relay the message."
The calm voice then softly added,
"Thank you."
There were a bunch of pronouns that needed genderswapping, and also some grammatical and spelling errors. I also changed a line to fit with Kyonko's current mentality.
Sometimes I think that the whole genderbending thing has broken my mind so badly that even though I would swear upon Haruhi/ki that I updated the archive post, I had in fact only been imagining it.
I dunno if I'm stepping out of line with this, but...
*snip*
There were a bunch of pronouns that needed genderswapping, and also some grammatical and spelling errors. I also changed a line to fit with Kyonko's current mentality.
mary smith!?
__________________
I am never gonna say good bye,
never run around is my body, never desert you is my blood
unknown to telling lies, nor known to hurting you
have rolled the rick over nine thousand times
yet never gonna give you up
so as I sing, UNLIMITED RICKROLL WORKS
I suppose part of the problem we're facing is that we don't know why Tanigawa chose "John Smith" for Kyon's nickname.
If it's just because it's a common Western name, then we can go with "Jane Doe/Smith" and call it good.
But if it's something deeper, then we need to find an analogue for that. And if there are multiple references in that name, our job becomes that much harder.
I suppose part of the problem we're facing is that we don't know why Tanigawa chose "John Smith" for Kyon's nickname.
If it's just because it's a common Western name, then we can go with "Jane Doe/Smith" and call it good.
But if it's something deeper, then we need to find an analogue for that. And if there are multiple references in that name, our job becomes that much harder.
This is taken from the Wikipedia article:
John Smith is a name often regarded as the archetype of a common personal name in most English-speaking countries, a generic name sometimes representing "everyman" or "the average person."
Considering Kyon is (portrayed, at least) as the only 'normal' human in the SOS brigade, it might just be a reflection on that and how he feels about himself?
I only quickly glanced over them, but I couldn't find anything that would particularly relate to the story. Might be worth giving it a look over anyway? In case I missed something.
John Smith/Sir John Smith/Dr John Smith is the alias of The Doctor of the British TV show Doctor Who, which he uses when pretending to be human.
The Doctor is a time traveler, and Kyon got there by going back in time. So it's either that he just chose a "common" Western name, or he was referencing the Doctor. There isn't really anybody else on that list who would fit.
People are probably a bit tired of me making that claim, aren't they?
2008-06-07, 07:31
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