Nanoha FanFiction Discussion

[TerranReaper]

Spoiler for KOTR 18:

KOTR 18
The Saint of Swords Rises!
Nanoha followed the group of people into the building via the roof door. She kept her distance, watching them, following them as quietly as possible. The building seemed to be an abandoned building because there was so much grime and the halls were not well lit. Some lights pulsed while those that worked glowed dimly. The elevator was out of order so the mysterious group walked down using stairs. Nanoha kept her distance. She did not want to reveal herself unless needed to. She went down and down the stairs until she followed them to an underground basement, which wasn’t even a basement at all. Beneath this building was a gigantic construction facility with thousands of workers building, something which Nanoha couldn’t make out. It had to be taller than the city’s buildings but she could only guess because that thing is huge.

“It should be done in a few more hours. I hope this is worth my time, Mason,” the hooded man said to Mason on a holovid. “Don’t worry; it will be very much worth your time, doctor. Once it is finished, the coalition is finished as well. I hope you find construction pretty smooth,” Mason said. The hooded man just laughed. “Smooth indeed, Mason. It is nice to build mechanical war machines for a change rather than just cloning people or turning people in Combat Cyborgs. I really must thank you for freeing me,” the hooded man replied. “No worries, I have your back covered and no one will ever know you left prison. Now, we agree to share the Belkan Empire, okay? You get half of the colony while I take the other half if we succeed, deal?” Mason asked. “You have my word, Mason. You better make sure your organization know nothing about this,” the hooded man said.

Mason nodded. “They won’t suspect a thing. About my deceased cousin Regius, I really must thank you for killing him with that lovely Combat Cyborg of yours. Due was it? Lovely young lady but to bad that Zest man killed her. You should thank my science team for cloning her and even reconstructing her and retaining her original memory. She is useful, especially when infiltrating the Terran and Mid-Childan bases,” Mason said. The hooded man seemed amused. “Oh, so you cloned more of her?” he asked. “Yes and that proved to be useful. She is the only person I know who can shape-shift into someone else. What better way to sneak and sabotage,” Mason said with an evil smile on his face.

Mason looked at the time and leaned back onto his chair. “I heard you did something to that Nanoha girl when she once took a visit to your prison cell few years ago. What happened?” Mason asked. The hooded man laughed. “I taught her a lesson she will never forget. At least she won’t try to cross my path again. Initially, she wanted to talk to me about what happened to Fate when she got attacked by my alienlings that I left in an old lab of mine. Using my cunning abilities, I attacked Nanoha and those lousy security guards don’t even care one bit,” the hooded man said. Nanoha gave a gasp. She remembered that incident. She got humiliated by that hooded man. That man was none other than Jail Scaglietti, she was sure of it. “Well, you certainly are someone with an evil mind. Anyway, I’ll be sending those three to you later so you can power up that machine,” Mason said lamely.

“The Belkan Kings will be so proud of us,” Jail said before turning off the holovid. He closed his eyes and smiled. “I know you have been following me, Takamachi. Come out from your hiding,” he said while pointing towards some crates where Nanoha was hiding. Nanoha stayed hidden, refusing to come out. Suddenly, a gunshot punctured a hole through the crates and nearly hit her head. “I mean it. Come out or I’ll shoot,” Jail said. Nanoha slowly came out from her hiding place with her hands behind her head. “Relieve her of her weapon and tie her up. I want to see how much mental torment she can take,” Jail said evilly. His assistants went to her and took Raging Heart away from her. One punched her stomach while the other tied her hands up. They brought her before Jail, who seemed pleased of himself. “What’s this, giving up without a fight? I guess that incident that occurred a few years ago still haunts your mind. Don’t worry; I won’t physically torment you this time. I’d rather see how you like it when you see how your loved one gets tormented like the time on Saint’s Cradle,” Jail said.

Daylight came and Fate woke up from her sleep. She looked at Nanoha’s bed and gave a sly smile. She crept to her bed and fondled the bulging part beneath the blanket. “My, your chest sure feels soft today, Nanoha. How about one of our love kisses, eh?” she said while removing the blanket. She only saw pillows. “Eh? Has she left for work that early?” asked a clueless Fate. Yuuno came into the room after his bath. “What are you looking for, Fate?” he asked while searching for some clothes. “Have you seen Nanoha?” she asked. Yuuno shook his head. “No, she didn’t come to bed yesterday night,” he said. Fate scratched her head. “That means I’ve been playing with a bolster all along?” she asked herself. She intended to have some fun time with Nanoha at night but she didn’t realize that she had been ‘raping’ a bolster all along. No wonder ‘Nanoha’ didn’t respond to her. “Okay, now I really feel stupid when I think about it,” Fate mumbled.

There came a knock on their door and Fate went to receive it. It was a Terran officer holding a letter. “Fate, I was told by someone to give you this letter. I’m not sure what it is though,” she said. Fate took the letter and read it. She felt sweat running down her cheeks as she read it. Her grip got tighter and tighter. “Nanoha…she has been taken captive,” Fate said. The officer placed her hands on her mouth. “That’s terrible. Should we go search for her?” she asked Fate. Fate shook her head. “No, I should go search for her myself. You people concentrate on any anarchist attempts to attack the city,” she said. The officer saluted and left. She looked at the address and kept the paper. Little that she knows that she was walking right into a trap.

At Terran High Command, Subaru was called to meet General Bernard, a replacement general for Alphonse since he was considered missing and people were looking for him. “What is it that you want me to talk about, sir?” she asked. The general turned around and pointed at a map drawn on glass. “You do know that your sister is working on recovering Angel Heart, right?” he asked. Subaru nodded. “What’s wrong? did something happen to her?” Subaru asked worriedly. “Frankly, Subaru, something did happen to her. While the recovery team was still examining and repairing Angel Heart, they were attacked by this mysterious mecha girl. What was this girl’s name again?” he turned to ask someone. “Construct,” said one of the personal. “Right, this Construct attacked them. Your sister was last seen fighting her on this video we captured using a security camera installed near the ship’s entrance. We believe that she is still alive as her bio-monitors are still active. Your task here is simple: go to the excavation site and check things out. If you encounter Construct, don’t kill her. Bring her back alive as we want to examine her,” the general said. Subaru saluted. “Leave this to me sir,” she said grimly.

Nanoha struggled to free herself as she was tied down to a heavy metal chair. She could see the entire thing clearly now, it was a three-bodied mecha, each holding a sword that pulsated with blue energy. It must take tremendous amounts of energy to power it, something only magic can provide. The three bodies were connected to a central core which its power came from. It was so huge that it must be a quarter of the height of the Capital Defense HQ. Its looks resembled the ancient Saint Kings, though Nanoha couldn’t recall who. “Behold, the Saint of Swords! It will crush your city and your forces without the need for aid,” Scaglietti said to Nanoha. He turned to look at the cockpit of the mecha, which was located at the head. “All we need now is the activation key,” he said. Jail snapped his fingers and his assistants came in with two girls. It was Karyl and Vivio and both of them were dressed in royal Belkan clothing. “I understand that you love your daughter so much that you wouldn’t like to see her in pain. Sadly though, the machine will cause pain but don’t worry, she’ll be fine…provided she doesn’t struggle,” Jail said. “Mama…I’m sorry…they threatened to kill you if I don’t oblige,” Vivio said with teary eyes. “Aww, how sweet of her,” Jail mocked. “What does her friend have to do with this, Jail?” Nanoha growled. Jail looked at Karyl and laughed. “Well, she is the descendent of the Belkan royal family while Vivio is the Saint King incarnate so both are equally important,” Jail said.

The two were taken away to be placed in the cockpit. “Mama, don’t leave me again!” Vivio yelled out, close to crying. Nanoha felt tears flowing down her eyes. She was equally helpless. “Fu fu, you are just a helpless woman without her weapon. Too bad you mages don’t have what the Terrans have: strength. Relying too much on magic makes you forget about walking long distances and picking heavy objects. You rely on magic to do heavy works for you. This is one reason why I admire the Terrans,” Jail said. Vivio was taken to a cockpit of the left body while Karyl was on the right. “You must be wondering who is in the middle cockpit, yes? Open the cockpit and let her see,” Jail said to an assistant. The cockpit door opened and Nanoha saw Vita with tubes connected to various parts of her body. It was like a sci-fi movie coming to life. “Why is she involved?!” Nanoha asked Jail angrily.

“That girl is a pretty strong Belkan for her size so we chose to kidnap her. We found her wandering around the park alone yesterday,” Jail said. Before Nanoha could ask more questions, the cockpits closed. A holovid appeared before her, showing Vivio. “Vivio!” Nanoha cried out. She suddenly convulsed in pain as electrical shocks ran through her body. The machine came to life and the eyes glowed red with malice. A platform raised the machine towards the surface and the whole place rumbled. Vivio cried out in pain as electrical shocks continued flowing through her. Each time she moved, the machine moved along, mimicking her moves. “An onboard A.I is the master brain of the machine. Whenever it attacks, it sends electrical signals to the three and into their brains, causing them to do what the A.I tells them to do. Their willpower means nothing. If any of them attempt to resist, they’ll receive electrical shocks. Otherwise, they’ll be fine,” Jail said.

Nanoha cried and begged Jail to stop but he only laughed. “Too late for that, Takamachi,” he said. “Why use them and not any of us? I’m willing to take Vivio’s place,” Nanoha said sorrowfully. “How motherly of you but the onboard systems and connections only respond to people who are related to the Belkans and their magic,” Jail replied. On the surface, Aquila squadron was on patrol when they saw a huge monster rising out from the middle of the city. “What is that thing?” a wingman asked Captain Mikhail. The Russian shook his head. “I’m not sure but it can’t be good. If this is the latest toy of the anarchists, by the heavens let’s hope it’s weaker than Beowulf,” Mikhail said. The 5 flew in and engaged the machine.

Think they'll win?

[Evil Rick]

Originally Posted by TerranReaper

Spoiler for KOTR 18:

KOTR 18
The Saint of Swords Rises!
Nanoha followed the group of people into the building via the roof door. She kept her distance, watching them, following them as quietly as possible. The building seemed to be an abandoned building because there was so much grime and the halls were not well lit. Some lights pulsed while those that worked glowed dimly. The elevator was out of order so the mysterious group walked down using stairs. Nanoha kept her distance. She did not want to reveal herself unless needed to. She went down and down the stairs until she followed them to an underground basement, which wasn’t even a basement at all. Beneath this building was a gigantic construction facility with thousands of workers building, something which Nanoha couldn’t make out. It had to be taller than the city’s buildings but she could only guess because that thing is huge.

“It should be done in a few more hours. I hope this is worth my time, Mason,” the hooded man said to Mason on a holovid. “Don’t worry; it will be very much worth your time, doctor. Once it is finished, the coalition is finished as well. I hope you find construction pretty smooth,” Mason said. The hooded man just laughed. “Smooth indeed, Mason. It is nice to build mechanical war machines for a change rather than just cloning people or turning people in Combat Cyborgs. I really must thank you for freeing me,” the hooded man replied. “No worries, I have your back covered and no one will ever know you left prison. Now, we agree to share the Belkan Empire, okay? You get half of the colony while I take the other half if we succeed, deal?” Mason asked. “You have my word, Mason. You better make sure your organization know nothing about this,” the hooded man said.

Mason nodded. “They won’t suspect a thing. About my deceased cousin Regius, I really must thank you for killing him with that lovely Combat Cyborg of yours. Due was it? Lovely young lady but to bad that Zest man killed her. You should thank my science team for cloning her and even reconstructing her and retaining her original memory. She is useful, especially when infiltrating the Terran and Mid-Childan bases,” Mason said. The hooded man seemed amused. “Oh, so you cloned more of her?” he asked. “Yes and that proved to be useful. She is the only person I know who can shape-shift into someone else. What better way to sneak and sabotage,” Mason said with an evil smile on his face.

Mason looked at the time and leaned back onto his chair. “I heard you did something to that Nanoha girl when she once took a visit to your prison cell few years ago. What happened?” Mason asked. The hooded man laughed. “I taught her a lesson she will never forget. At least she won’t try to cross my path again. Initially, she wanted to talk to me about what happened to Fate when she got attacked by my alienlings that I left in an old lab of mine. Using my cunning abilities, I attacked Nanoha and those lousy security guards don’t even care one bit,” the hooded man said. Nanoha gave a gasp. She remembered that incident. She got humiliated by that hooded man. That man was none other than Jail Scaglietti, she was sure of it. “Well, you certainly are someone with an evil mind. Anyway, I’ll be sending those three to you later so you can power up that machine,” Mason said lamely.

“The Belkan Kings will be so proud of us,” Jail said before turning off the holovid. He closed his eyes and smiled. “I know you have been following me, Takamachi. Come out from your hiding,” he said while pointing towards some crates where Nanoha was hiding. Nanoha stayed hidden, refusing to come out. Suddenly, a gunshot punctured a hole through the crates and nearly hit her head. “I mean it. Come out or I’ll shoot,” Jail said. Nanoha slowly came out from her hiding place with her hands behind her head. “Relieve her of her weapon and tie her up. I want to see how much mental torment she can take,” Jail said evilly. His assistants went to her and took Raging Heart away from her. One punched her stomach while the other tied her hands up. They brought her before Jail, who seemed pleased of himself. “What’s this, giving up without a fight? I guess that incident that occurred a few years ago still haunts your mind. Don’t worry; I won’t physically torment you this time. I’d rather see how you like it when you see how your loved one gets tormented like the time on Saint’s Cradle,” Jail said.

Daylight came and Fate woke up from her sleep. She looked at Nanoha’s bed and gave a sly smile. She crept to her bed and fondled the bulging part beneath the blanket. “My, your chest sure feels soft today, Nanoha. How about one of our love kisses, eh?” she said while removing the blanket. She only saw pillows. “Eh? Has she left for work that early?” asked a clueless Fate. Yuuno came into the room after his bath. “What are you looking for, Fate?” he asked while searching for some clothes. “Have you seen Nanoha?” she asked. Yuuno shook his head. “No, she didn’t come to bed yesterday night,” he said. Fate scratched her head. “That means I’ve been playing with a bolster all along?” she asked herself. She intended to have some fun time with Nanoha at night but she didn’t realize that she had been ‘raping’ a bolster all along. No wonder ‘Nanoha’ didn’t respond to her. “Okay, now I really feel stupid when I think about it,” Fate mumbled.

There came a knock on their door and Fate went to receive it. It was a Terran officer holding a letter. “Fate, I was told by someone to give you this letter. I’m not sure what it is though,” she said. Fate took the letter and read it. She felt sweat running down her cheeks as she read it. Her grip got tighter and tighter. “Nanoha…she has been taken captive,” Fate said. The officer placed her hands on her mouth. “That’s terrible. Should we go search for her?” she asked Fate. Fate shook her head. “No, I should go search for her myself. You people concentrate on any anarchist attempts to attack the city,” she said. The officer saluted and left. She looked at the address and kept the paper. Little that she knows that she was walking right into a trap.

At Terran High Command, Subaru was called to meet General Bernard, a replacement general for Alphonse since he was considered missing and people were looking for him. “What is it that you want me to talk about, sir?” she asked. The general turned around and pointed at a map drawn on glass. “You do know that your sister is working on recovering Angel Heart, right?” he asked. Subaru nodded. “What’s wrong? did something happen to her?” Subaru asked worriedly. “Frankly, Subaru, something did happen to her. While the recovery team was still examining and repairing Angel Heart, they were attacked by this mysterious mecha girl. What was this girl’s name again?” he turned to ask someone. “Construct,” said one of the personal. “Right, this Construct attacked them. Your sister was last seen fighting her on this video we captured using a security camera installed near the ship’s entrance. We believe that she is still alive as her bio-monitors are still active. Your task here is simple: go to the excavation site and check things out. If you encounter Construct, don’t kill her. Bring her back alive as we want to examine her,” the general said. Subaru saluted. “Leave this to me sir,” she said grimly.

Nanoha struggled to free herself as she was tied down to a heavy metal chair. She could see the entire thing clearly now, it was a three-bodied mecha, each holding a sword that pulsated with blue energy. It must take tremendous amounts of energy to power it, something only magic can provide. The three bodies were connected to a central core which its power came from. It was so huge that it must be a quarter of the height of the Capital Defense HQ. Its looks resembled the ancient Saint Kings, though Nanoha couldn’t recall who. “Behold, the Saint of Swords! It will crush your city and your forces without the need for aid,” Scaglietti said to Nanoha. He turned to look at the cockpit of the mecha, which was located at the head. “All we need now is the activation key,” he said. Jail snapped his fingers and his assistants came in with two girls. It was Karyl and Vivio and both of them were dressed in royal Belkan clothing. “I understand that you love your daughter so much that you wouldn’t like to see her in pain. Sadly though, the machine will cause pain but don’t worry, she’ll be fine…provided she doesn’t struggle,” Jail said. “Mama…I’m sorry…they threatened to kill you if I don’t oblige,” Vivio said with teary eyes. “Aww, how sweet of her,” Jail mocked. “What does her friend have to do with this, Jail?” Nanoha growled. Jail looked at Karyl and laughed. “Well, she is the descendent of the Belkan royal family while Vivio is the Saint King incarnate so both are equally important,” Jail said.

The two were taken away to be placed in the cockpit. “Mama, don’t leave me again!” Vivio yelled out, close to crying. Nanoha felt tears flowing down her eyes. She was equally helpless. “Fu fu, you are just a helpless woman without her weapon. Too bad you mages don’t have what the Terrans have: strength. Relying too much on magic makes you forget about walking long distances and picking heavy objects. You rely on magic to do heavy works for you. This is one reason why I admire the Terrans,” Jail said. Vivio was taken to a cockpit of the left body while Karyl was on the right. “You must be wondering who is in the middle cockpit, yes? Open the cockpit and let her see,” Jail said to an assistant. The cockpit door opened and Nanoha saw Vita with tubes connected to various parts of her body. It was like a sci-fi movie coming to life. “Why is she involved?!” Nanoha asked Jail angrily.

“That girl is a pretty strong Belkan for her size so we chose to kidnap her. We found her wandering around the park alone yesterday,” Jail said. Before Nanoha could ask more questions, the cockpits closed. A holovid appeared before her, showing Vivio. “Vivio!” Nanoha cried out. She suddenly convulsed in pain as electrical shocks ran through her body. The machine came to life and the eyes glowed red with malice. A platform raised the machine towards the surface and the whole place rumbled. Vivio cried out in pain as electrical shocks continued flowing through her. Each time she moved, the machine moved along, mimicking her moves. “An onboard A.I is the master brain of the machine. Whenever it attacks, it sends electrical signals to the three and into their brains, causing them to do what the A.I tells them to do. Their willpower means nothing. If any of them attempt to resist, they’ll receive electrical shocks. Otherwise, they’ll be fine,” Jail said.

Nanoha cried and begged Jail to stop but he only laughed. “Too late for that, Takamachi,” he said. “Why use them and not any of us? I’m willing to take Vivio’s place,” Nanoha said sorrowfully. “How motherly of you but the onboard systems and connections only respond to people who are related to the Belkans and their magic,” Jail replied. On the surface, Aquila squadron was on patrol when they saw a huge monster rising out from the middle of the city. “What is that thing?” a wingman asked Captain Mikhail. The Russian shook his head. “I’m not sure but it can’t be good. If this is the latest toy of the anarchists, by the heavens let’s hope it’s weaker than Beowulf,” Mikhail said. The 5 flew in and engaged the machine.

Think they'll win?

Well, this chapter was pure win! Epic!

It's true, without the devices, the mages are useless, a big weak spot that Jail is using at his advantage, poor Vita, I can't imagine her conected with all those things to her body

Vivio is also in trouble, hope that the things will came out right, great chapter!

[XenahortCharybdis]

Originally Posted by SulliMike23

Well I've started work on my Nanoha/Star Trek fanfic but at the moment I'll have to focus on how to proceed with introducing the main pairing in my fanfic; which will be Nanoha/Fate of course. But I have to be honest; this will be a first for me in 3 ways.

1) This will be my first Nanoha story,

2) This will be my first Star Trek fanfic,

3) This will be my first yuri fanfic as well.

So you can see my slight problems. I said I will make this work and I meant it; but seeing as how it will be my first fanfic in these three categories it might get a little challenging. So any advice on how to proceed with two of these will be helpful.

Being a Star Trek fan, I know quite a lot of information and can access it around. But how to proceed with anything related to Nanoha and yuri will be something I may need help on since I've never written a single yuri fanfic in my fanfic writing career. Still, I'll do my best.

Firstly, my manners: Welcome to the club.

Only Nanoha X Fate? You mean Deanna Troi, 'Liz, Schaeffen and Co. don't get dragged into this one? I mean, you are pitting Jim's skill between the sheets against the White Devil's Pink Beam of Yurilove, aren't you?



Okay, just kidding (I'm a Star Trek novel person generally and only saw some of the series, so I have a lack of knowledge of Roddenberry's original whatevers, excluding his original Sun-of-God jokes and the Betazoid Females, among other things.)

Just some directions, my friend: For writing Yuri and somesuch, ask our fine people here at the Fanfic Thread (Fon Filia), in especial Satashi, who's the Specialist, and TheShinySword, who's the Generalist. Damn do they love Yuri, so damn will they help you to produce more of it for the consumption of all, and also for the expansion of the Mighty Goddess' Shojai Empire! For Nanoha and integrating it into StarTrek and vice versa, come to us at the Nanoha Original Character Creation Thread; we're the Warhammers of Sense in this pool of crack and things of like forge-make here. (YES WE ARE, AND SO THERE! ) As our title suggests, we'll help you work it out so you won't look back on it after writing some stuff and wonder just what the hell you're writing. Or we'll try to help as far as that and further.

And, finally, a word, not so much of caution, but of information: Be open, not only to the content of what is said, but also to how it is said; we have a wide spectrum of methods in terms of expressing our opinion and giving aid in that sense of the word. That's the way it is, I guess.

Anyway, have fun, and looking forward to what you have to write.

Xena, Out.

[Satashi]

PS:Vivio 5

Added in a small teasing segment about Syn's chest size, a small part about Vivio's willingness to do things for Syn, changed a few words around, and corrected a few typos.

Enjoy~

[DezoPenguin]

Originally Posted by Satashi

PS:Vivio 5

Added in a small teasing segment about Syn's chest size, a small part about Vivio's willingness to do things for Syn, changed a few words around, and corrected a few typos.

Enjoy~

Spoiler for Walls of text:

I'd forgotten how touching I found the whole exchange about the naked pictures..."if the girl in the picture's eyes aren't shining the way I know them to be, then it doesn't matter" especially.

I'd also forgotten how soon the "tell her" scene came after they slept together. The end of that scene, starting with "You screw people for money!" is really well done. Syn's explosion is great the way it mounts from the general to the intimate and personal--particularly the impact of the first-day-at-work promise (sneaky what you did there--Vivio didn't trust Syn enough to tell her what her work is, and it's that failure of trust that caused her to fail another trust issue and break a promise! Cascading communication disasters! It's a powerful end of the chapter that hit me hard even though I'd read it before and know what's coming, and I bet you get at least a few fanfiction.net reviewers who go "Aaaargh! You can't end the story there!!!" or something along those lines.

It's not like I haven't already wasted hundreds of words dissecting the issue or anything, but one thing that seems to be coming through more clearly on the reread--maybe because it's a reread and I'm picking up on what I missed? Or because the story format lets me absorb more data at once and get a better look at the whole picture?--is what a Catch-22 Vivio is in. It was appallingly stupid of her to sleep with Syn before telling her about her job, particularly since it was Syn's first time. That was a major, indeed epic-level breach of basic relationship trust issues. But the problem here is that until they slept together, I don't think that Vivio actually had the level of confidence and trust in the relationship to be able to confess to Syn. The barriers between her life as "Vivio" and as "Eyes" aren't so easily crossed...

It does add some balance there, though, during the "reconciliation" arc (and maybe something to be more fully fleshed out?). While Syn is mentally and emotionally dealing with the issue that Vivio's line of work doesn't mean that she's cheating on her, Vivio has to deal with the issue of learning how to trust people and face up to the difficulty of how to operate in a real relationship (indeed, she ran away from the first major emotional crisis in her life, and while she has "office friends," she doesn't seem to have any particular close personal ties of any kind...possibly she's gotten gun-shy about getting too close to people since she was eighteen out of conscious or subconscious fear that she'll lose them again?).

So it's by no means random that Vivio's relationship problems are all trust-based. To trust means to risk getting hurt. And hey, what happened, she decided to trust--and she did immediately get hurt. It's a testament to how much she cares about Syn that she didn't immediately give up on her but was willing to keep trying to salvage things, because otherwise she could have walked away from this event learning an entirely wrong lesson.

Not all good, though. The blond/blonde issue is back (since I think you use Microsoft Word, and since there aren't any significant male characters in this story, a find/replace will take care of that). The passive voice took over in the "reveal" scene at the end with "A page was turned and the images were scanned" (That's a sentence where Syn absolutely needs to stay the subject, because the entire focus of the scene is how everything Vivio says, everything Syn sees, hits Syn with a negative emotional impact, so you don't want to distance the scene from the girls even for an instant).

There's also variant of the passive voice issue in the paragraph that starts with "You can't eat me, silly." Twice in that paragraph you have sentences with "the hands" as the subject and a third where "the hands" is the object. Not only is that a bit too much repetition, but the real issue is that they're not just random hands, they're Syn's hands, and eliminating that steals a lot of the emotional impact of the paragraph, making what should be playful flirting into something colder and sterile. Simply changing the second sentence in a way something like this would completely alter the tone of the paragraph:

"Vivio allowed the hands on her to trail over her hips under her shirt."

to

"Vivio allowed Syn to trail her hands over her hips under her shirt."

Or alternately, if you find the antecedent of "her" to be difficult to track in that way (that gave me fits when I was writing my Kannazuki no Miko lemon, "Moving Day"; there were just too many "hers" for comfortable pronoun use.), you might try something like:

"Syn started to trail her hands over Vivio's hips under her shirt. The blonde thought about pulling away, but gave in and allowed the caress."

Or if you just happen to like your original construction of the sentence, simply:

"Vivio allowed Syn's hands to trail over her hips under her shirt."

Which is way too much editing time to spend on one sentence in a fanfic (gah! I can't imagine the kind of work a professional editor has to go through!), so I'll shut up now and just say that I'm looking forward to what you do with the reconciliation arc of this story!

[Satashi]

Originally Posted by DezoPenguin

Spoiler for Walls of text:

I'd forgotten how touching I found the whole exchange about the naked pictures..."if the girl in the picture's eyes aren't shining the way I know them to be, then it doesn't matter" especially.

I'd also forgotten how soon the "tell her" scene came after they slept together. The end of that scene, starting with "You screw people for money!" is really well done. Syn's explosion is great the way it mounts from the general to the intimate and personal--particularly the impact of the first-day-at-work promise (sneaky what you did there--Vivio didn't trust Syn enough to tell her what her work is, and it's that failure of trust that caused her to fail another trust issue and break a promise! Cascading communication disasters! It's a powerful end of the chapter that hit me hard even though I'd read it before and know what's coming, and I bet you get at least a few fanfiction.net reviewers who go "Aaaargh! You can't end the story there!!!" or something along those lines.

It's not like I haven't already wasted hundreds of words dissecting the issue or anything, but one thing that seems to be coming through more clearly on the reread--maybe because it's a reread and I'm picking up on what I missed? Or because the story format lets me absorb more data at once and get a better look at the whole picture?--is what a Catch-22 Vivio is in. It was appallingly stupid of her to sleep with Syn before telling her about her job, particularly since it was Syn's first time. That was a major, indeed epic-level breach of basic relationship trust issues. But the problem here is that until they slept together, I don't think that Vivio actually had the level of confidence and trust in the relationship to be able to confess to Syn. The barriers between her life as "Vivio" and as "Eyes" aren't so easily crossed...

It does add some balance there, though, during the "reconciliation" arc (and maybe something to be more fully fleshed out?). While Syn is mentally and emotionally dealing with the issue that Vivio's line of work doesn't mean that she's cheating on her, Vivio has to deal with the issue of learning how to trust people and face up to the difficulty of how to operate in a real relationship (indeed, she ran away from the first major emotional crisis in her life, and while she has "office friends," she doesn't seem to have any particular close personal ties of any kind...possibly she's gotten gun-shy about getting too close to people since she was eighteen out of conscious or subconscious fear that she'll lose them again?).

So it's by no means random that Vivio's relationship problems are all trust-based. To trust means to risk getting hurt. And hey, what happened, she decided to trust--and she did immediately get hurt. It's a testament to how much she cares about Syn that she didn't immediately give up on her but was willing to keep trying to salvage things, because otherwise she could have walked away from this event learning an entirely wrong lesson.

Not all good, though. The blond/blonde issue is back (since I think you use Microsoft Word, and since there aren't any significant male characters in this story, a find/replace will take care of that). The passive voice took over in the "reveal" scene at the end with "A page was turned and the images were scanned" (That's a sentence where Syn absolutely needs to stay the subject, because the entire focus of the scene is how everything Vivio says, everything Syn sees, hits Syn with a negative emotional impact, so you don't want to distance the scene from the girls even for an instant).

There's also variant of the passive voice issue in the paragraph that starts with "You can't eat me, silly." Twice in that paragraph you have sentences with "the hands" as the subject and a third where "the hands" is the object. Not only is that a bit too much repetition, but the real issue is that they're not just random hands, they're Syn's hands, and eliminating that steals a lot of the emotional impact of the paragraph, making what should be playful flirting into something colder and sterile. Simply changing the second sentence in a way something like this would completely alter the tone of the paragraph:

"Vivio allowed the hands on her to trail over her hips under her shirt."

to

"Vivio allowed Syn to trail her hands over her hips under her shirt."

Or alternately, if you find the antecedent of "her" to be difficult to track in that way (that gave me fits when I was writing my Kannazuki no Miko lemon, "Moving Day"; there were just too many "hers" for comfortable pronoun use.), you might try something like:

"Syn started to trail her hands over Vivio's hips under her shirt. The blonde thought about pulling away, but gave in and allowed the caress."

Or if you just happen to like your original construction of the sentence, simply:

"Vivio allowed Syn's hands to trail over her hips under her shirt."

Which is way too much editing time to spend on one sentence in a fanfic (gah! I can't imagine the kind of work a professional editor has to go through!), so I'll shut up now and just say that I'm looking forward to what you do with the reconciliation arc of this story!

Thanks for the tips. I edited a bit on what you said ^^ Stupid FF.N is a $*@&! when it comes to editing things already posted >.<

[9taileddemon]

Originally Posted by Aaron008R

He's the type of person that people would either love or hate.

I think he is one of the funniest characters I have ever read about. I love the way he tends to be very calm while everyone is running around.

And when they finally manage to calm down he does something to rile them up again.


Oh yeah! First post in this thread!

Read a couple of the stories around here. All very good.

I would write Nanoha fanfiction but I just don't have any time. My fanfiction time is devoted to Sonic the hedgehog, and there is very little of that either.

So I think I will just read and comment on the stories that get put up here.

[SulliMike23]

Originally Posted by XenahortCharybdis

Firstly, my manners: Welcome to the club.

Only Nanoha X Fate? You mean Deanna Troi, 'Liz, Schaeffen and Co. don't get dragged into this one? I mean, you are pitting Jim's skill between the sheets against the White Devil's Pink Beam of Yurilove, aren't you?



Okay, just kidding (I'm a Star Trek novel person generally and only saw some of the series, so I have a lack of knowledge of Roddenberry's original whatevers, excluding his original Sun-of-God jokes and the Betazoid Females, among other things.)

Just some directions, my friend: For writing Yuri and somesuch, ask our fine people here at the Fanfic Thread (Fon Filia), in especial Satashi, who's the Specialist, and TheShinySword, who's the Generalist. Damn do they love Yuri, so damn will they help you to produce more of it for the consumption of all, and also for the expansion of the Mighty Goddess' Shojai Empire! For Nanoha and integrating it into StarTrek and vice versa, come to us at the Nanoha Original Character Creation Thread; we're the Warhammers of Sense in this pool of crack and things of like forge-make here. (YES WE ARE, AND SO THERE! ) As our title suggests, we'll help you work it out so you won't look back on it after writing some stuff and wonder just what the hell you're writing. Or we'll try to help as far as that and further.

And, finally, a word, not so much of caution, but of information: Be open, not only to the content of what is said, but also to how it is said; we have a wide spectrum of methods in terms of expressing our opinion and giving aid in that sense of the word. That's the way it is, I guess.

Anyway, have fun, and looking forward to what you have to write.

Xena, Out.

Uh...thanks...I think.

[Allquall]

The Name of War
Chapter Twelve

Paxon’s Messiah

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4380342/12/

[Evil Rick]

@Satashi: You'r gonna re-do every single chapter of PS!V?

Oh, yeah, I tough that I could have ready chapter 1 of VK2 but I had been quite bussy the last days

Gonna post it on the week

[arkhangelsk]

Originally Posted by Allquall

The Name of War
Chapter Twelve

Paxon’s Messiah

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4380342/12/

But you have nothing to worry about. I've only read it through once so far, so maybe I'll find problems on second and third re-readings, but let's do the First Impressions.

Overall, the apparent professionalism, especially the communications discipline of the TSAB military skyrocketed since Lethir strided in. I guess having their enemy on the Net forced our heroines to get some proper military discipline.

Tempo also greatly improved from last chapter. The relationship between the apparent flow of time and the number and type of events seems, at least on the first glance, reasonable.

Hayate's thinking about the whole limiters is a minus point, since it is quite incomprehensible. How does making the limiter release (rather than say the reseal) activable only by herself a way to "prevent the military from taking advantage of them". Frankly, it makes so horribly little sense I can see the Hayate-is-shafted brigade rise from their slumber.

On a larger scale, in this chapter, Lethir as a character grows beyond a mere racist. He's in many ways a realist, who happens to want the best for his people. If we take off some idealistic glasses, he's not really all that horrible. Congratulations on making a 3D villain there.

Tactically, Lethir comes off looking great in this chapter in all respects. He managed to play a move that's both safe and would give him that much more of an edge at the same time. Unless he gets bustered for orchestrating this entire Saxon rebellion to begin with, our heroines don't have a leg to stand on.

So WHAT if he timed the summons and the Joint Force deployment together? Intentions can almost never be proven, and even if it was, the mess that happened is still the responsibility of the Secretary of the Army, Navy and Air Force which were binded by silly bureaucratic rules (especially the first, with her foolish limiter idea... and of course the whole affair thing - most people have long-ago affairs that get aired, not newfound romances)

Get me to a ballot box. I don't have a LC anyway. I need to put a vote in for Lethir...

[DezoPenguin]

Originally Posted by arkhangelsk

Hayate's thinking about the whole limiters is a minus point, since it is quite incomprehensible. How does making the limiter release (rather than say the reseal) activable only by herself a way to "prevent the military from taking advantage of them". Frankly, it makes so horribly little sense I can see the Hayate-is-shafted brigade rise from their slumber.

In my review of the previous chapter I agreed that this was a stupid thing to do, but this time around it's finally starting to make sense to me:

Nanoha and Fate's limiters aren't in place because of external pressure from the military bureaucracy (the way limiters were used in StrikerS)--indeed, you might note that Vivio, who's AAA+ at this point, doesn't apparently have a limiter (Lethir might have released it "off-stage" before the battle, but until it's shown that it exists I'm going to assume that it doesn't). They're there to keep Nanoha and Fate (more Nanoha than Fate, I'm betting) from overusing their own power.

Remember, that Nanoha, in canon, has already put her life in serious jeopardy twice from the over-use of her own magic (in the universe of The Name of War, I believe an earlier chapter even referred to once such incident of linker core haemorrage affecting her...): once when she overtrained and overworked to the point that she was nearly killed in battle because she had no reserves left (the famous flashback), and then again when she rescued Vivio in StrikerS (recalling one Sound Stage translation from the music thread that stated that the overuse of the Blaster System in that fight had caused a permanent 8% reduction in her magical power...).

In other words, Hayate has put the limiters in place on her two best friends to keep them from killing themselves, knowing that both of them are badly inclined towards overwork and martyr-complex behavior (seriously, from some of her actions in the various series, I'd love to get a case study going on what's inside Nanoha's head. At least Fate's got readily comprehensible reasons for being that way). The "to keep the military from taking advantage" line basically refers to the fact that as officers in the normal chain of command, Nanoha and Fate are subject to being ordered into combat missions, and if they're functioning as S+ mages, then they'll be used as S+ mages by their superiors, and it's only a matter of time before one or both doesn't come back.

(Or in other words, Hayate--who has a bit of a mother-complex anyway--has taken it upon herself to look after her two best friends since they're too crazy or shortsighted to do it themselves.)

I do agree, though, that making she herself the only one who can release the limiters is shortsighted and foolish. Even under those circumstances there should always be a backup plan (Heck, what if Hayate dies? Does that mean they're stuck at AA forever until someone can hack the limiter code?), probably someone who's both trusted and a serving line officer (Chrono is blatantly obvious).

[Satashi]

Well, I've been asked this a few times so I thought that maybe it's time that I tried to help out the community some. The following is just my way of writing, how I go about things, and how I plot/plan my stories. Also, I'll cover how I get my ideas and how I execute them. Everything written here is simply my way of doing things and may not work for you. However, I would like to put it out there in hopes that someone may gain help from it in some way.

notice: These are suggestions. They are how I do it. The goal of this post isn't to say "this is how you do it" but simply a look into my mind in hopes that it will influence you to write something. Maybe help you get unstuck or develop. My way of writing is not professional, nor is it a "really good way". I have my flaws, I know my flaws, and I make mistakes. I hope this helps you, but please don't think I'm suggestion that you do it like this if you don't like it. If you don't agree with this post, or think you can improve upon it, I'll listen to it. But instead of dissecting this and pointing out flaws, I think it would be better if other authors share their way of writing if they so desire.

Getting Started:

The first step to writing anything is to identify what you are going to write about. An idea doesn't have to be large, be consistent, or necessarily make sense. It can be anything from a long in depth idea that may take several chapters to cover, or something so simple you could do it in one paragraph. The key is getting that idea, some goal, some destination or theme in mind.

Getting Ideas:
Ideas can come from anywhere, and I mean this literally. If you're looking for an idea, try some of these things, and remember: you aren’t trying to plan your story right now, just get an idea. Don't worry about executing yet.

-Look around the room.
What do you see? What are people doing? What do you want to be doing? Imagine your characters doing that. Are people talking around you? Write about your characters talking about something. Are they eating? What are they eating? Maybe your characters need to eat lunch? A dinner date? Many small "daily life" aspects can enhance your story. Many times during Saved by the Bell, I simply wondered "what would a teenager be doing right now?" and then just wrote that.

-How are you feeling?
Think about yourself. Are you happy? Sad? Why? Do you have problems? Are you sick? sniffles, cough, nose running? These are things that effect everyone. Every time I make a story about someone being sick, it's because at the time, I was sick. In PornStar!Vivio, I gave Vivio the sniffles because I had them. Understanding human nature is a great aspect in writing. Using yourself is great because you can write how you feel.

-What do you WANT your characters to be doing?
This can be what you'd rather be doing. Shopping, at an arcade, eating, sleeping, arguing, joking, laughing, anything at all. It adds flavor to stories.

Executing Ideas
Now that you have an idea, no matter how simple, it's time to employ it. This can be done in many ways, but right now I'm going to focus on the small ideas. The ones people won't make a good story. The ideas that many disregard as "not good enough". I'm going to list a few as examples to try and let you see how I see ideas. I hope this will help you develop your own.

-The best I can think of right off the bat is sickness. I've done a few stories about this. Now, one may think that being sick only means being in bed or having someone take care of them, but now that you have your idea you need to explore around the idea. Sickness. What does it do to you? You can use your personal experiences to fill in these details. How you feel, ect.

Now that we know how the sick person feels, let’s develop around this. If Fate is sick, how will this affect the area around her? How will Nanoha feel? Hayate? The forwards? Just because Fate is sick doesn't mean you can't get story from others.

Also, what is Fate doing? Is she in bed? Maybe she needs to eat something or go to the store. The story can follow how she deals with being sick while going around doing her job.

Progress the idea. What happens during this? Does she get worse? What results from getting worse? How does this affect the area around her? The people around her? This will lead you to a fork in the road: who will take care of her/ will she take care of herself. The former will allow you to develop between fate and another character while the second option will allow you to explore how Fate feels by herself. What is she thinking then? If your goal is romance, you can easily make her think about wishing someone was with her.

All of this just came from the idea of a character being sick. Don't blind yourself to staying on the specific topic, branch off any chance you get.

-Eating

A simple thing. How can you possibly write a story about simply eating? Once again, don't focus on just your main idea. What is happening around the person eating? How is that person feeling? Why are they eating (sad? angry? just hungry?)?. Where are they eating? Are they meeting someone? Did they used to eat there with someone who is no longer available to eat with?

If Fate is going to eat, say hotdogs, start with her at her job or home. Have her leave; go down the road/hallways to her car or maybe just walking. Think about the world around her. What is she walking past? Does she run across someone she knows? Maybe she'll see something in a store she wants to look at (this opens up the fork in the road if she buys something for someone or not). Also, she can change her mind as to what she's in the mood for.

Example:

Hungrry -> goes get food -> decides to walk -> sees a store
(Now the story can progress to shopping or continuing to search for food)

Sees a story -> buys something for a friend -> goes to eat -> goes to find friend to give gift
(Now the story can progress to interaction between them. Is the gift intimate? Funny? Does it build friendship? Make them laugh and joke? Bring back memories? Happy or sad memories?

If you chose to just go to the food:
Sees a store -> thinks about something -> continues to get food -> gets food
(Now where is she eating? Inside? Outside? Is she taking the food to someone else? Meeting someone?

As you can see, my way writing is getting my general idea and then developing it in many ways as it progresses. This style doesn't require you to plan in depth or anything like that. It simply follows a character and what happens with them. The key is to realize that although you have a goal (getting food); you don't have to stay specifically on it. Let your mind wander. Here's an example of something:

The fifth anniversary of Nanoha's death. Fate goes to the hotdog place that she used to always go with Nanoha to. On her way she sees a store where they used to shop and she reflects on the happy times together. She continues to the place and orders Nanoha's favorite thing and then eats it by herself outside the store in a little area with tables. While she's there, Hayate shows up and sits with her and they each talk about how Nanoha touched their lives. End the story with a mentioning that no matter if Nanoha is no longer there physically, she will always be in their hearts. A simple, touching short/ long story about Nanoha's life and how she touched people's hearts. All from nothing more than Fate wanting a hotdog.

Let me stress the point again that stories aren’t always planned out to BE sentimental, funny, romantic, ect. You can go any way from just a simple idea. Just ask yourself questions to stem off the path to develop what you want. Pick an idea, anything, and follow your character. Let them pick the path, and you simply guide them along with suggestions or obstacles. Let yourself flow with them. If you had one thing in mind but find your going on a different path, ask yourself if that's okay or not. If it is, just go with it. Don’t force them to do things specifically. Explore. Allow them to explore.

Longer stories:

Sometimes you want to do something more in depth, and a lot of people think that this is really hard compared to short stories. Actually, this isn't really the case. In my method of writing, I have a simple outline that can stem anywhere from detailed ideas to simple things I want to add. Now, my methods aren’t for everyone, so please keep that in mind. If you find flaws in this, don't use it.

Okay, first get your idea. A villain, a plot, whatever. I am going to use my story "Synergy" as an example.

Idea: Syn and Vivio train to become mages in the T.S.A.B

That is what we're starting from. Plain and simple, write that down in a WordPad or something. We are going to be making an outline. Now that we have the MAIN idea, let’s get an ending. A general ending that may change. Do not limit yourself to this specific ending.

Ending: Syn and Vivio graduate.

Now we have our idea and an ending in sight. Let's plan out our story, shall we? First, what will it take to reach your ending? Think about everything that may be needed for this. The main things. Do you have "sub bosses" that need to be fought? "Sub goals" ? Things that need to happen? Write them all down.

Syn and Vivio train to become mages
-Meet each other
-Have a fight
-Have to pass a midway exam
-Have to pass main exam at end
-graduate

Now we have a general outline. As before, we need to expand upon these ideas. From each expansion, we can expand more. Look at your first line. What happens in this line? Is it an arc in the story? what needs to happen before the second line can come into effect? Expand it in your outline. Remember, don't blind or limit yourself. Something may change the rest of your outline here. Simply change it and go on.

-Meet each other
-Do they get along?
-Do they room together while training?
-They need to talk to each other about their lives.
-Find some way to connect them

You can expand these lines as well for specific ideas. As with the short stories, think about each line as a mini story. Plan out what's going to happen, just like when Fate was going for food. Write down what you think

-Do they get along?
-Syn's attitude kind of makes Vivio slow to opening

-do the room together while training?
-Yes, bunk beds
-small room
-Share a dresser for clothes
-Two desk

Ect. As you expand, feel free to change things later on in your outline as well. Remember to expand or limit yourself as much as you think you need. Also, remember that outlines can change. Feel free to leave spots blank. Sometimes you write the beginning after you know most of the ending. For example, if you plan out till the very end and then decide "Oh, they need to have some super weapon to defeat Dr.Evil!" then you can now go back to the start of the outline and add in points that need to be hinted at. At the start of the story they may hear information about a weapon that they know nothing about. In the second part of outline they can develop on it more. In the third part they can actively search for it. In the fourth part they find it. Just like that. Don’t be pressed to fill it all in at once.

When you are done with your outline you can use it as a guide to write by. As always, don't limit yourself to it. Expand as you see fit. Now you have a long story that's composed of many short ideas that you can weave together. Talk about it with people (we’ll help on forums!), think about potholes, and think about anything else that may not click together. Once you get this, you've basically written everything you'll need to continue writing when you get stuck. Now just go back and start developing each point in a story format.


(I'll add more to this later, I'm out of time now)

[Raging Heart]

Originally Posted by Satashi

Well, I've been asked this a few times so I thought that maybe it's time that I tried to help out the community some. The following is just my way of writing, how I go about things, and how I plot/plan my stories. Also, I'll cover how I get my ideas and how I execute them. Everything written here is simply my way of doing things and may not work for you. However, I would like to put it out there in hopes that someone may gain help from it in some way.

notice: These are suggestions. They are how I do it. The goal of this post isn't to say "this is how you do it" but simply a look into my mind in hopes that it will influence you to write something. Maybe help you get unstuck or develop. My way of writing is not professional, nor is it a "really good way". I have my flaws, I know my flaws, and I make mistakes. I hope this helps you, but please don't think I'm suggestion that you do it like this if you don't like it. If you don't agree with this post, or think you can improve upon it, I'll listen to it. But instead of dissecting this and pointing out flaws, I think it would be better if other authors share their way of writing if they so desire.

Getting Started:

The first step to writing anything is to identify what you are going to write about. An idea doesn't have to be large, be consistent, or necessarily make sense. It can be anything from a long in depth idea that may take several chapters to cover, or something so simple you could do it in one paragraph. The key is getting that idea, some goal, some destination or theme in mind.

Getting Ideas:
Ideas can come from anywhere, and I mean this literally. If you're looking for an idea, try some of these things, and remember: you aren’t trying to plan your story right now, just get an idea. Don't worry about executing yet.

-Look around the room.
What do you see? What are people doing? What do you want to be doing? Imagine your characters doing that. Are people talking around you? Write about your characters talking about something. Are they eating? What are they eating? Maybe your characters need to eat lunch? A dinner date? Many small "daily life" aspects can enhance your story. Many times during Saved by the Bell, I simply wondered "what would a teenager be doing right now?" and then just wrote that.

-How are you feeling?
Think about yourself. Are you happy? Sad? Why? Do you have problems? Are you sick? sniffles, cough, nose running? These are things that effect everyone. Every time I make a story about someone being sick, it's because at the time, I was sick. In PornStar!Vivio, I gave Vivio the sniffles because I had them. Understanding human nature is a great aspect in writing. Using yourself is great because you can write how you feel.

-What do you WANT your characters to be doing?
This can be what you'd rather be doing. Shopping, at an arcade, eating, sleeping, arguing, joking, laughing, anything at all. It adds flavor to stories.

Executing Ideas
Now that you have an idea, no matter how simple, it's time to employ it. This can be done in many ways, but right now I'm going to focus on the small ideas. The ones people won't make a good story. The ideas that many disregard as "not good enough". I'm going to list a few as examples to try and let you see how I see ideas. I hope this will help you develop your own.

-The best I can think of right off the bat is sickness. I've done a few stories about this. Now, one may think that being sick only means being in bed or having someone take care of them, but now that you have your idea you need to explore around the idea. Sickness. What does it do to you? You can use your personal experiences to fill in these details. How you feel, ect.

Now that we know how the sick person feels, let’s develop around this. If Fate is sick, how will this affect the area around her? How will Nanoha feel? Hayate? The forwards? Just because Fate is sick doesn't mean you can't get story from others.

Also, what is Fate doing? Is she in bed? Maybe she needs to eat something or go to the store. The story can follow how she deals with being sick while going around doing her job.

Progress the idea. What happens during this? Does she get worse? What results from getting worse? How does this affect the area around her? The people around her? This will lead you to a fork in the road: who will take care of her/ will she take care of herself. The former will allow you to develop between fate and another character while the second option will allow you to explore how Fate feels by herself. What is she thinking then? If your goal is romance, you can easily make her think about wishing someone was with her.

All of this just came from the idea of a character being sick. Don't blind yourself to staying on the specific topic, branch off any chance you get.

-Eating

A simple thing. How can you possibly write a story about simply eating? Once again, don't focus on just your main idea. What is happening around the person eating? How is that person feeling? Why are they eating (sad? angry? just hungry?)?. Where are they eating? Are they meeting someone? Did they used to eat there with someone who is no longer available to eat with?

If Fate is going to eat, say hotdogs, start with her at her job or home. Have her leave; go down the road/hallways to her car or maybe just walking. Think about the world around her. What is she walking past? Does she run across someone she knows? Maybe she'll see something in a store she wants to look at (this opens up the fork in the road if she buys something for someone or not). Also, she can change her mind as to what she's in the mood for.

Example:

Hungrry -> goes get food -> decides to walk -> sees a store
(Now the story can progress to shopping or continuing to search for food)

Sees a story -> buys something for a friend -> goes to eat -> goes to find friend to give gift
(Now the story can progress to interaction between them. Is the gift intimate? Funny? Does it build friendship? Make them laugh and joke? Bring back memories? Happy or sad memories?

If you chose to just go to the food:
Sees a store -> thinks about something -> continues to get food -> gets food
(Now where is she eating? Inside? Outside? Is she taking the food to someone else? Meeting someone?

As you can see, my way writing is getting my general idea and then developing it in many ways as it progresses. This style doesn't require you to plan in depth or anything like that. It simply follows a character and what happens with them. The key is to realize that although you have a goal (getting food); you don't have to stay specifically on it. Let your mind wander. Here's an example of something:

The fifth anniversary of Nanoha's death. Fate goes to the hotdog place that she used to always go with Nanoha to. On her way she sees a store where they used to shop and she reflects on the happy times together. She continues to the place and orders Nanoha's favorite thing and then eats it by herself outside the store in a little area with tables. While she's there, Hayate shows up and sits with her and they each talk about how Nanoha touched their lives. End the story with a mentioning that no matter if Nanoha is no longer there physically, she will always be in their hearts. A simple, touching short/ long story about Nanoha's life and how she touched people's hearts. All from nothing more than Fate wanting a hotdog.

Let me stress the point again that stories aren’t always planned out to BE sentimental, funny, romantic, ect. You can go any way from just a simple idea. Just ask yourself questions to stem off the path to develop what you want. Pick an idea, anything, and follow your character. Let them pick the path, and you simply guide them along with suggestions or obstacles. Let yourself flow with them. If you had one thing in mind but find your going on a different path, ask yourself if that's okay or not. If it is, just go with it. Don’t force them to do things specifically. Explore. Allow them to explore.

Longer stories:

Sometimes you want to do something more in depth, and a lot of people think that this is really hard compared to short stories. Actually, this isn't really the case. In my method of writing, I have a simple outline that can stem anywhere from detailed ideas to simple things I want to add. Now, my methods aren’t for everyone, so please keep that in mind. If you find flaws in this, don't use it.

Okay, first get your idea. A villain, a plot, whatever. I am going to use my story "Synergy" as an example.

Idea: Syn and Vivio train to become mages in the T.S.A.B

That is what we're starting from. Plain and simple, write that down in a WordPad or something. We are going to be making an outline. Now that we have the MAIN idea, let’s get an ending. A general ending that may change. Do not limit yourself to this specific ending.

Ending: Syn and Vivio graduate.

Now we have our idea and an ending in sight. Let's plan out our story, shall we? First, what will it take to reach your ending? Think about everything that may be needed for this. The main things. Do you have "sub bosses" that need to be fought? "Sub goals" ? Things that need to happen? Write them all down.

Syn and Vivio train to become mages
-Meet each other
-Have a fight
-Have to pass a midway exam
-Have to pass main exam at end
-graduate

Now we have a general outline. As before, we need to expand upon these ideas. From each expansion, we can expand more. Look at your first line. What happens in this line? Is it an arc in the story? what needs to happen before the second line can come into effect? Expand it in your outline. Remember, don't blind or limit yourself. Something may change the rest of your outline here. Simply change it and go on.

-Meet each other
-Do they get along?
-Do they room together while training?
-They need to talk to each other about their lives.
-Find some way to connect them

You can expand these lines as well for specific ideas. As with the short stories, think about each line as a mini story. Plan out what's going to happen, just like when Fate was going for food. Write down what you think

-Do they get along?
-Syn's attitude kind of makes Vivio slow to opening

-do the room together while training?
-Yes, bunk beds
-small room
-Share a dresser for clothes
-Two desk

Ect. As you expand, feel free to change things later on in your outline as well. Remember to expand or limit yourself as much as you think you need. Also, remember that outlines can change. Feel free to leave spots blank. Sometimes you write the beginning after you know most of the ending. For example, if you plan out till the very end and then decide "Oh, they need to have some super weapon to defeat Dr.Evil!" then you can now go back to the start of the outline and add in points that need to be hinted at. At the start of the story they may hear information about a weapon that they know nothing about. In the second part of outline they can develop on it more. In the third part they can actively search for it. In the fourth part they find it. Just like that. Don’t be pressed to fill it all in at once.

When you are done with your outline you can use it as a guide to write by. As always, don't limit yourself to it. Expand as you see fit. Now you have a long story that's composed of many short ideas that you can weave together. Talk about it with people (we’ll help on forums!), think about potholes, and think about anything else that may not click together. Once you get this, you've basically written everything you'll need to continue writing when you get stuck. Now just go back and start developing each point in a story format.


(I'll add more to this later, I'm out of time now)

hhhmm i like the way you use to write, you know i am not a real writer but i do write fiction like you do and others too.

thanks Satashi you are a great help, that will help me to improve myself.

[Evil Rick]

Originally Posted by Satashi

Spoiler for Space:

Well, I've been asked this a few times so I thought that maybe it's time that I tried to help out the community some. The following is just my way of writing, how I go about things, and how I plot/plan my stories. Also, I'll cover how I get my ideas and how I execute them. Everything written here is simply my way of doing things and may not work for you. However, I would like to put it out there in hopes that someone may gain help from it in some way.

notice: These are suggestions. They are how I do it. The goal of this post isn't to say "this is how you do it" but simply a look into my mind in hopes that it will influence you to write something. Maybe help you get unstuck or develop. My way of writing is not professional, nor is it a "really good way". I have my flaws, I know my flaws, and I make mistakes. I hope this helps you, but please don't think I'm suggestion that you do it like this if you don't like it. If you don't agree with this post, or think you can improve upon it, I'll listen to it. But instead of dissecting this and pointing out flaws, I think it would be better if other authors share their way of writing if they so desire.

Getting Started:

The first step to writing anything is to identify what you are going to write about. An idea doesn't have to be large, be consistent, or necessarily make sense. It can be anything from a long in depth idea that may take several chapters to cover, or something so simple you could do it in one paragraph. The key is getting that idea, some goal, some destination or theme in mind.

Getting Ideas:
Ideas can come from anywhere, and I mean this literally. If you're looking for an idea, try some of these things, and remember: you aren’t trying to plan your story right now, just get an idea. Don't worry about executing yet.

-Look around the room.
What do you see? What are people doing? What do you want to be doing? Imagine your characters doing that. Are people talking around you? Write about your characters talking about something. Are they eating? What are they eating? Maybe your characters need to eat lunch? A dinner date? Many small "daily life" aspects can enhance your story. Many times during Saved by the Bell, I simply wondered "what would a teenager be doing right now?" and then just wrote that.

-How are you feeling?
Think about yourself. Are you happy? Sad? Why? Do you have problems? Are you sick? sniffles, cough, nose running? These are things that effect everyone. Every time I make a story about someone being sick, it's because at the time, I was sick. In PornStar!Vivio, I gave Vivio the sniffles because I had them. Understanding human nature is a great aspect in writing. Using yourself is great because you can write how you feel.

-What do you WANT your characters to be doing?
This can be what you'd rather be doing. Shopping, at an arcade, eating, sleeping, arguing, joking, laughing, anything at all. It adds flavor to stories.

Executing Ideas
Now that you have an idea, no matter how simple, it's time to employ it. This can be done in many ways, but right now I'm going to focus on the small ideas. The ones people won't make a good story. The ideas that many disregard as "not good enough". I'm going to list a few as examples to try and let you see how I see ideas. I hope this will help you develop your own.

-The best I can think of right off the bat is sickness. I've done a few stories about this. Now, one may think that being sick only means being in bed or having someone take care of them, but now that you have your idea you need to explore around the idea. Sickness. What does it do to you? You can use your personal experiences to fill in these details. How you feel, ect.

Now that we know how the sick person feels, let’s develop around this. If Fate is sick, how will this affect the area around her? How will Nanoha feel? Hayate? The forwards? Just because Fate is sick doesn't mean you can't get story from others.

Also, what is Fate doing? Is she in bed? Maybe she needs to eat something or go to the store. The story can follow how she deals with being sick while going around doing her job.

Progress the idea. What happens during this? Does she get worse? What results from getting worse? How does this affect the area around her? The people around her? This will lead you to a fork in the road: who will take care of her/ will she take care of herself. The former will allow you to develop between fate and another character while the second option will allow you to explore how Fate feels by herself. What is she thinking then? If your goal is romance, you can easily make her think about wishing someone was with her.

All of this just came from the idea of a character being sick. Don't blind yourself to staying on the specific topic, branch off any chance you get.

-Eating

A simple thing. How can you possibly write a story about simply eating? Once again, don't focus on just your main idea. What is happening around the person eating? How is that person feeling? Why are they eating (sad? angry? just hungry?)?. Where are they eating? Are they meeting someone? Did they used to eat there with someone who is no longer available to eat with?

If Fate is going to eat, say hotdogs, start with her at her job or home. Have her leave; go down the road/hallways to her car or maybe just walking. Think about the world around her. What is she walking past? Does she run across someone she knows? Maybe she'll see something in a store she wants to look at (this opens up the fork in the road if she buys something for someone or not). Also, she can change her mind as to what she's in the mood for.

Example:

Hungrry -> goes get food -> decides to walk -> sees a store
(Now the story can progress to shopping or continuing to search for food)

Sees a story -> buys something for a friend -> goes to eat -> goes to find friend to give gift
(Now the story can progress to interaction between them. Is the gift intimate? Funny? Does it build friendship? Make them laugh and joke? Bring back memories? Happy or sad memories?

If you chose to just go to the food:
Sees a store -> thinks about something -> continues to get food -> gets food
(Now where is she eating? Inside? Outside? Is she taking the food to someone else? Meeting someone?

As you can see, my way writing is getting my general idea and then developing it in many ways as it progresses. This style doesn't require you to plan in depth or anything like that. It simply follows a character and what happens with them. The key is to realize that although you have a goal (getting food); you don't have to stay specifically on it. Let your mind wander. Here's an example of something:

The fifth anniversary of Nanoha's death. Fate goes to the hotdog place that she used to always go with Nanoha to. On her way she sees a store where they used to shop and she reflects on the happy times together. She continues to the place and orders Nanoha's favorite thing and then eats it by herself outside the store in a little area with tables. While she's there, Hayate shows up and sits with her and they each talk about how Nanoha touched their lives. End the story with a mentioning that no matter if Nanoha is no longer there physically, she will always be in their hearts. A simple, touching short/ long story about Nanoha's life and how she touched people's hearts. All from nothing more than Fate wanting a hotdog.

Let me stress the point again that stories aren’t always planned out to BE sentimental, funny, romantic, ect. You can go any way from just a simple idea. Just ask yourself questions to stem off the path to develop what you want. Pick an idea, anything, and follow your character. Let them pick the path, and you simply guide them along with suggestions or obstacles. Let yourself flow with them. If you had one thing in mind but find your going on a different path, ask yourself if that's okay or not. If it is, just go with it. Don’t force them to do things specifically. Explore. Allow them to explore.

Longer stories:

Sometimes you want to do something more in depth, and a lot of people think that this is really hard compared to short stories. Actually, this isn't really the case. In my method of writing, I have a simple outline that can stem anywhere from detailed ideas to simple things I want to add. Now, my methods aren’t for everyone, so please keep that in mind. If you find flaws in this, don't use it.

Okay, first get your idea. A villain, a plot, whatever. I am going to use my story "Synergy" as an example.

Idea: Syn and Vivio train to become mages in the T.S.A.B

That is what we're starting from. Plain and simple, write that down in a WordPad or something. We are going to be making an outline. Now that we have the MAIN idea, let’s get an ending. A general ending that may change. Do not limit yourself to this specific ending.

Ending: Syn and Vivio graduate.

Now we have our idea and an ending in sight. Let's plan out our story, shall we? First, what will it take to reach your ending? Think about everything that may be needed for this. The main things. Do you have "sub bosses" that need to be fought? "Sub goals" ? Things that need to happen? Write them all down.

Syn and Vivio train to become mages
-Meet each other
-Have a fight
-Have to pass a midway exam
-Have to pass main exam at end
-graduate

Now we have a general outline. As before, we need to expand upon these ideas. From each expansion, we can expand more. Look at your first line. What happens in this line? Is it an arc in the story? what needs to happen before the second line can come into effect? Expand it in your outline. Remember, don't blind or limit yourself. Something may change the rest of your outline here. Simply change it and go on.

-Meet each other
-Do they get along?
-Do they room together while training?
-They need to talk to each other about their lives.
-Find some way to connect them

You can expand these lines as well for specific ideas. As with the short stories, think about each line as a mini story. Plan out what's going to happen, just like when Fate was going for food. Write down what you think

-Do they get along?
-Syn's attitude kind of makes Vivio slow to opening

-do the room together while training?
-Yes, bunk beds
-small room
-Share a dresser for clothes
-Two desk

Ect. As you expand, feel free to change things later on in your outline as well. Remember to expand or limit yourself as much as you think you need. Also, remember that outlines can change. Feel free to leave spots blank. Sometimes you write the beginning after you know most of the ending. For example, if you plan out till the very end and then decide "Oh, they need to have some super weapon to defeat Dr.Evil!" then you can now go back to the start of the outline and add in points that need to be hinted at. At the start of the story they may hear information about a weapon that they know nothing about. In the second part of outline they can develop on it more. In the third part they can actively search for it. In the fourth part they find it. Just like that. Don’t be pressed to fill it all in at once.

When you are done with your outline you can use it as a guide to write by. As always, don't limit yourself to it. Expand as you see fit. Now you have a long story that's composed of many short ideas that you can weave together. Talk about it with people (we’ll help on forums!), think about potholes, and think about anything else that may not click together. Once you get this, you've basically written everything you'll need to continue writing when you get stuck. Now just go back and start developing each point in a story format.


(I'll add more to this later, I'm out of time now)

Actually, write a story is not that hard

1) The first step is to get the idea, now, this is not like "Oh, I'm gonna get an idea for a fic after lunch" No, normally, the ideas hit you when you less expect it, for example, George Lucas got the idea of Star Wars during a car accident

2) Now, when you get the idea, you will probably wish to starts with the fic inmediatly, calm down, before starting, you need to have clear and ready the plot, the elemnst and the characters or at least the important ones for the story, this is what I call "mental guion", it's very important, otherwise you could start something and later don't know how to finish it

3) During the story, try to add elements to catch the readers, kinda cliffhanger between the chapters, situations, misteries and even characters that could leave the reader thinking "What will hapen next?" If you reveal important information of the story very soon, the readers will lose interest

4) The way in wich you present the story is also very important, do not repeat words, avoid using phrases too often like "and then" or "he/she said...", Try to give ech character a spark of life, in other words, give each character an unique personality that will diferenciate from the others, plain characters will loose interest and will be pity to read, Grammar is also very important altough, this can be hard for some people, try to hav at hand dictionaries and spell checkers, also, work with betas of the fics before posting them

5) The most important thing is to release your imagination and try new things

[Sheba]

"Said" Bookism

An artificial verb used to avoid the word "said." "Said" is one of the few invisible words in the English language and is almost impossible to overuse. It is much less distracting than "he retorted," "she inquired," "he ejaculated," and other oddities. The term "said-book" comes from certain pamphlets, containing hundreds of purple-prose synonyms for the word "said," which were sold to aspiring authors from tiny ads in American magazines of the pre-WWII era.

from

In conclusion; Writing "she/he said" is NOT a heinous crime.

Say, like me, english is NOT your first language OR you are native english speaker but have yet to master its subtleties and you found this cool synonym of the verb "say" in thesaurus. Should you use it? No, there are the risk that the word IS misused and stick out as odd in its context.
Maybe casual readers may not see it, but others WILL.

Instead, well used body language may be a good way to spice up a conversation.



A gold mine for advice, especially for those who love writing mixed with world building.

[Evangelion Xgouki]

Spoiler for Visitors, pt. 3:

The group of four, minus Teal'c, seemed uneasy from the latest remark. Granted they themselves had theorized that they would have been under constant surveillance since that's what they would have done themselves if their positions had been switched it was still comforting that Jack's comment was overheard.

"Um...about that. You see-" began Daniel. However, Hayate interrupted him.

"It's alright, Mr. Jackson. It's not the first time we've been referred to like that." She offered them a smile. "If you take those words for what they mean it isn't exactly untrue. Though 'magical women' would probably be appropriate."

He nodded with relief. "Ah, that is true. And just Daniel would be fine, Lieutenant Colonel."

"Well I guess we all could drop the formalities. We are all friends here, right Daniel?"

"Yes, of course."

"Now that that's out of the way what are you able to tell us about yourselves? Suddenly appearing in the middle of some ruins isn't exactly normal around here."

"We arrived on this your world via what we call the Stargate. It's the large ring you saw us next to in the ruins," explained Samantha.

"What is this 'stargate'?"

"Well to keep it simple," Jack covered a cough that suddenly came out before she continued, "it's an ancient alien device that allows travel across large expanses of space by connecting two Stargates via a wormhole."

Hayate nodded. "So it's a means to travel to other planets?"

"Precisely. Each planet that contains a Stargate has an 'address' in space derived from constellations. These relate to symbols which are inputted into the Stargate to 'dial' to that world."

"There was mention of a 'ninth' symbol that you used to travel here. Is that related in anyway to this 'address'?"

"It does. Each 'address' contains a series of symbols that relate to the constellations to triangulate the location of a planet. Worlds within the same galaxy use a series of seven symbols. Adding an eighth symbol allows travel between galaxies."

"And the ninth?"

"Um, we're not entirely sure to be honest," she replies sheepishly. "By using a nine-symbol address we found ourselves here though we're not entirely sure as to where 'here' is in our universe..."

She considered the new information for a moment and couldn't help but giggle. "Well Samantha."

"Oh, Sam is fine."

"Sam. You definitely did travel a lot farther than between galaxies. Between whole dimensions in fact."

"...pardon me?"

"You see we detected a large energy reading when you arrived at the ruins which was similar to when we travel between dimensions. You aren't in your universe anymore."

"Hold on a minute," interrupted Jack. "You mean we're on some weird alternate universe version of Earth?"

"You're partially right. You are in another dimension, but this isn't Earth."

"Great. This is even better..."

"So let me get this straight," chimed in Daniel. "So what you are saying is we are on an alien world in another dimension?"

"Pretty much."

"Uh, just out of curiosity ever encountered any species called the Goa'uld? With their glowing eyes and creepy, deep voices?"

"Not that I am aware of. Have you ever heard of them, Fate-chan?"

The Enforcer shook her head, "Not on any of my missions."

"I presume these 'Goa'uld' aren't the most friendly of species you've encountered in your travels?"

Jack scoffed, "You can say that again."

"They're essentially a parasitic race bent on domination of worlds," explained Daniel. "They take on human hosts to rule from and use their technology and numbers to enslave countless worlds."

Shamal raised an eyebrow at this information, "A parasitic race? You mean they infect and super-impose their will over their hosts?"

"In a way, yes. People who have actually survived being separated from a Goa'uld have said that you are aware of everything the whole time but unable to act."

"That sounds...horrific. If I might ask, what do these creatures look like?"

"Snakes," spoke up Jack. "Slimy, disgusting snakes."

Before Hayate could ask for a more detailed description, the conference door opened. Rein floated into the room, drawing the attention of the four. Even Teal'c raised his eyebrows at the small person carrying the much larger mug.

"Here you are, Hayate~"

"Ah, thank you Rein." She took a sip of the drink before noticing the perplexed looks from her guests. "Oh, this is Master Sergeant Reinforce Zwei."

"A pleasure to meet you~"

"She's my partner and Unison Device. I guess you could call her a magical being." Jack nodded slowly, eyes now leaving the small person floating around the room. Daniel and Samantha watched her with curiosity and trying to figure out what technology was at work here. "So about these Goa'uld?"

"Ah, right. Well-" began Daniel.

"Why don't we just show them Junior?" offered Jack.

All eyes turned to the older man. "Junior?" repeated Nanoha.

"I don't know, Jack..."

"Oh come on, Daniel. Didn't they teach you anything in school? Visual aids are the best thing to teach with."

He sighed in defeat, "Well it's up to Teal'c, really."

"I do not mind."

Jack waved at the taller man, "See? He's okay with it. Go ahead, Teal'c."

Not knowing what was going on, the mages watched as Teal'c discarded his jacket and shirt. As their eyes fell upon his well-defined figure, Fate was about to question the reason for his actions until her eyes fell upon his abdomen. Given his, in her mind, very well kept figure she would expect a six or even nine pack. That made the what appeared to be 'x' shaped cut on his entire front below his chest out of place. "What happened there?"

No words were said as the sections of skin began to move. All the mages kept their eyes on Teal'c, not knowing what was going on. The skin was pushed upwards and a creature emerged. It looked like a snake with its cylindrical body but its mouth seemed to take up its front section. The creature parted its mouth in four directions with a small cry as it almost seemed to survey its surroundings before disappearing back into Teal'c.

"Kyaaa~!" Rein dove behind her meister's back.

"Wh-what was that?" Fate was the first to ask.

"That," answered Daniel, "was a infant Goa'uld. Though Jack here calls it 'Junior'."

Part 01
Part 02

[Arkeus]

Originally Posted by Evangelion Xgouki

Spoiler for Visitors, pt. 3:

The group of four, minus Teal'c, seemed uneasy from the latest remark. Granted they themselves had theorized that they would have been under constant surveillance since that's what they would have done themselves if their positions had been switched it was still comforting that Jack's comment was overheard.

"Um...about that. You see-" began Daniel. However, Hayate interrupted him.

"It's alright, Mr. Jackson. It's not the first time we've been referred to like that." She offered them a smile. "If you take those words for what they mean it isn't exactly untrue. Though 'magical women' would probably be appropriate."

He nodded with relief. "Ah, that is true. And just Daniel would be fine, Lieutenant Colonel."

"Well I guess we all could drop the formalities. We are all friends here, right Daniel?"

"Yes, of course."

"Now that that's out of the way what are you able to tell us about yourselves? Suddenly appearing in the middle of some ruins isn't exactly normal around here."

"We arrived on this your world via what we call the Stargate. It's the large ring you saw us next to in the ruins," explained Samantha.

"What is this 'stargate'?"

"Well to keep it simple," Jack covered a cough that suddenly came out before she continued, "it's an ancient alien device that allows travel across large expanses of space by connecting two Stargates via a wormhole."

Hayate nodded. "So it's a means to travel to other planets?"

"Precisely. Each planet that contains a Stargate has an 'address' in space derived from constellations. These relate to symbols which are inputted into the Stargate to 'dial' to that world."

"There was mention of a 'ninth' symbol that you used to travel here. Is that related in anyway to this 'address'?"

"It does. Each 'address' contains a series of symbols that relate to the constellations to triangulate the location of a planet. Worlds within the same galaxy use a series of seven symbols. Adding an eighth symbol allows travel between galaxies."

"And the ninth?"

"Um, we're not entirely sure to be honest," she replies sheepishly. "By using a nine-symbol address we found ourselves here though we're not entirely sure as to where 'here' is in our universe..."

She considered the new information for a moment and couldn't help but giggle. "Well Samantha."

"Oh, Sam is fine."

"Sam. You definitely did travel a lot farther than between galaxies. Between whole dimensions in fact."

"...pardon me?"

"You see we detected a large energy reading when you arrived at the ruins which was similar to when we travel between dimensions. You aren't in your universe anymore."

"Hold on a minute," interrupted Jack. "You mean we're on some weird alternate universe version of Earth?"

"You're partially right. You are in another dimension, but this isn't Earth."

"Great. This is even better..."

"So let me get this straight," chimed in Daniel. "So what you are saying is we are on an alien world in another dimension?"

"Pretty much."

"Uh, just out of curiosity ever encountered any species called the Goa'uld? With their glowing eyes and creepy, deep voices?"

"Not that I am aware of. Have you ever heard of them, Fate-chan?"

The Enforcer shook her head, "Not on any of my missions."

"I presume these 'Goa'uld' aren't the most friendly of species you've encountered in your travels?"

Jack scoffed, "You can say that again."

"They're essentially a parasitic race bent on domination of worlds," explained Daniel. "They take on human hosts to rule from and use their technology and numbers to enslave countless worlds."

Shamal raised an eyebrow at this information, "A parasitic race? You mean they infect and super-impose their will over their hosts?"

"In a way, yes. People who have actually survived being separated from a Goa'uld have said that you are aware of everything the whole time but unable to act."

"That sounds...horrific. If I might ask, what do these creatures look like?"

"Snakes," spoke up Jack. "Slimy, disgusting snakes."

Before Hayate could ask for a more detailed description, the conference door opened. Rein floated into the room, drawing the attention of the four. Even Teal'c raised his eyebrows at the small person carrying the much larger mug.

"Here you are, Hayate~"

"Ah, thank you Rein." She took a sip of the drink before noticing the perplexed looks from her guests. "Oh, this is Master Sergeant Reinforce Zwei."

"A pleasure to meet you~"

"She's my partner and Unison Device. I guess you could call her a magical being." Jack nodded slowly, eyes now leaving the small person floating around the room. Daniel and Samantha watched her with curiosity and trying to figure out what technology was at work here. "So about these Goa'uld?"

"Ah, right. Well-" began Daniel.

"Why don't we just show them Junior?" offered Jack.

All eyes turned to the older man. "Junior?" repeated Nanoha.

"I don't know, Jack..."

"Oh come on, Daniel. Didn't they teach you anything in school? Visual aids are the best thing to teach with."

He sighed in defeat, "Well it's up to Teal'c, really."

"I do not mind."

Jack waved at the taller man, "See? He's okay with it. Go ahead, Teal'c."

Not knowing what was going on, the mages watched as Teal'c discarded his jacket and shirt. As their eyes fell upon his well-defined figure, Fate was about to question the reason for his actions until her eyes fell upon his abdomen. Given his, in her mind, very well kept figure she would expect a six or even nine pack. That made the what appeared to be 'x' shaped cut on his entire front below his chest out of place. "What happened there?"

No words were said as the sections of skin began to move. All the mages kept their eyes on Teal'c, not knowing what was going on. The skin was pushed upwards and a creature emerged. It looked like a snake with its cylindrical body but its mouth seemed to take up its front section. The creature parted its mouth in four directions with a small cry as it almost seemed to survey its surroundings before disappearing back into Teal'c.

"Kyaaa~!" Rein dove behind her meister's back.

"Wh-what was that?" Fate was the first to ask.

"That," answered Daniel, "was a infant Goa'uld. Though Jack here calls it 'Junior'."

Part 01
Part 02

Well, an entertaining chapter.

I kind of disliked that Hayate didn't talk about there being "Magical Men" too, but eh. Your choice.

So the Ancient did come to midchilda...i wonder if that's their only stop in this dimension.

Héhéhé, poor Rein ^^

Hopefully, they won't have cascade entropic failure anytime soon.

[Evangelion Xgouki]

Originally Posted by Arkeus

Well, an entertaining chapter.

I kind of disliked that Hayate didn't talk about there being "Magical Men" too, but eh. Your choice.

Well she did mention that in the previous chapter. Plus here she's referring to the people in the room who are all women

Originally Posted by Arkeus

So the Ancient did come to midchilda...i wonder if that's their only stop in this dimension.

Who knows

Originally Posted by Arkeus

Héhéhé, poor Rein ^^

I had just to have her meet Junior

[TheShinySword]

Originally Posted by Sheba

from

In conclusion; Writing "she/he said" is NOT a heinous crime.

Say, like me, english is NOT your first language OR you are native english speaker but have yet to master its subtleties and you found this cool synonym of the verb "say" in thesaurus. Should you use it? No, there are the risk that the word IS misused and stick out as odd in its context.
Maybe casual readers may not see it, but others WILL.

Instead, well used body language may be a good way to spice up a conversation.



A gold mine for advice, especially for those who love writing mixed with world building.

As a fluent English speaker I'd like to second this and and state that my second grade teacher was very very wrong. Said is not dead, said is alive and kicking. (And if you argue other wise I'll point at my favorite childhood book "Winnie the Pooh" in which said is used without ever becoming an annoyance. Saying something is quite different from retorting, it's quite different from demanding, telling, stating, explaining, asking, laughing and a vareity of other "Synonym" for said.
Said is an incredibly versatile word. You say something happily, sadly, bluntly, dejectedly, miserably, curiously, and grumpily among a myriad of other ways.

Said can be easily mixed with actions and said is easily understood a reader shouldn't have to run for the dictionary every word (though that doesn't mean one should dumb down ones writing).

And on the subject of the thesaurus, it's only your friend if it's accompanied by mister dictionary and even then I don't suggest using it. The best way to learn new words is through reading as many books as you can.

As we seem to be giving advice on writing atm allow me to share some on my favorite thing to write... dialog. Please note that I can only speak on behalf of my own tongue (which is a southern/NYC American English one)
And remember of course there are exceptions to every rule
"Rule" 1. Write how people talk... to a degree
Take this sentence.
"I am going to go to the store."

Nothing wrong with it at all. It's grammatically correct, but it's sounds odd when spoken aloud.
Here's how I say this sentence

"I'm gunna gotathestore."

Not to say that that's how it should be pronounced but in my own odd dialect (a mix of my southern family and northern upbringing) this is how I speak. The lack of space is intentional as my sentences tend to come out as one big word. Of course that looks odd on paper and unreadable, if we wrote entirely phonetically then well... take the case of George Bernard Shaw and Cockney during the writing of Pygmalion:

Taken from the book Mother Tongue which I highly suggest if you are adept with English and wish for an even better understanding.

"... [Cockney] has never been more painstakingly recorded than by Shaw in the opening pages of Pygmalion. A brief sampling: 'Ow, eez ya-ooa san, is ? Wal, fewd dan y' da-ooty bawmz a mather should, eed now bettern to sapawl a pore gel's flahrzn than ran awy athaht pyin.' This translates as 'Oh, he's your son, is he? Well, if you'd done your duty by him as a mother should, he'd know better than to spoil a poor girl's flowers, then run away without paying.' Even Shaw could keep this up for no more than a few pages, and reverted to normal English spelling for the flower girl with the parenthetical remark, 'Here, with apologies, this desperate attempt to represent her dialect without a phonetic alphabet must be abandoned as unintelligible outside London.'"

In other words writing completely how we speak is impossible, it'd make it so only a select few, if even, could read it. The trick is to find a happy medium.
You do this by using....

"Rule" 2. Real Men (and women) use contractions

I cannot count the number of We are's I've read in dialog. It's We're. Unless the character is old even in formal situations we're is likely used (yes once upon a time contractions were seen as rude and informal but they're so integrated into our language no one even notices they're used).
Contractions are used even when it's not an official contraction. For instance the word 'is' is usually pronounced 's and attached to the end of whatever noun it is following.
"That apple's good."
"The train's running"
Yes it breaks grammar rules but that's the fun of dialog. It's one of the few places where you can almost completely throw the rule book out the window in writing.

"Rule" 3. Fragments are Aokay.

Have you ever written in word and found green lines under all your dialog? Well that's why I turned grammar check off. We do not always use a subject in our sentences and that's alright.

"Rule" 4. Word choice matters. A lot.
Always be thinking about what words your character should and shouldn't know, if you're not sure ask other people what they think. Always keep age, education, employment and maturity in mind.

Final "Rule". Everyone talks differently

I always set up rules before I write because one of the best ways to make everyone a unique character is through their speech. Take these lists for three of the characters I write the most in Nanoha fanfiction.

Zafira
Speaks mostly in fragments
Speaks only when he has to or when annoyed normally
Very blunt

Vice
Acts like every guy is his best friend
Simpleminded so simpleworded
Speaks a like a kid sometimes (Vice is a "gonna character", as is Vivio in RebelS and Vita. I typically use "gonna" when a character is immature but there are other times I use it)

Griffith
Formal with everyone (though he still uses contractions) until flustered
Speaks with a lot of big words (Likes to sound smart)
When flustered he tends to lose his facade and speaks only slightly better than Vice.

Now you don't have to do something like this to succeed and if I were to show you one of these done for an original character of mine it would be far far longer and would likely make sense to no one but myself (as it is I doubt these lists make much sense).

I'm sure a much more educated person than myself could write more detailed help and a lot of this is just my personal preferences (truly not rules as much as personal rules) but if it helped even a tiny bit I'm happy and if anyone ever wants help I do pride myself on my English and feel free to PM me or log onto the IRC and talk there.

And on Satashi's long and helpful piece up there remember that although that might make writing seem daunting that's just Satashi breaking down a lot that will start happening naturally after a while. My only advice is to know the characters you're working with (which if motivated I'll write something on ) and I also suggest typing your outline to avoid the pain of trying to fit stuff in XD.