AnimeSuki Forums

Evangelion Xgouki · 2008-01-30, 18:55

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aaron008R

Need mah brain to keep functioning.

Anyway, here's a crack-induced possible scenario in GenerationS.

Spoiler for a part in GenerationS?:

*RUNS FROM NIGHTY*

And good crack it is

. Interesting direction you're going there with the Tome of the Night Sky.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kagerou

Eh, you'll have to ask XGouki about that. He uses a character named Shamsel Nagisa, just so ya know. Most of the EVA references I was gonna use are now fairly moot, and under-the-rug (cept for the soundtrack).

I read my name thus I have arrived.

Evangelion...hmm. I believe the the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd Children have already been brought over into Outer Cadia by another person. Although not the same characters, they are somewhat similar. As for Shamsel, heavy Evangelion references with him (although I have been toying with the idea of bringing over Gendo or Kouzou...).

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kagerou

Super Short: Inherent Skill

Spoiler for A Bad Day for Bad Guys:

Emili is scary when angry....and yet also so GAR

.

USB500 · 2008-01-30, 20:32

Quote:

Originally Posted by Evangelion Xgouki

I'm sure we can arrange something

. You can PM me if you want to try and work something out.

I see if I can come up with something anytime.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Evangelion Xgouki

You still have a brain left after all this crack?

Every OC creator has unlimited amount of brain after consuming cracks.

In before Unlimited Brain Works.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Evangelion Xgouki

Crack is good crack

Yes, I know.

@ Aaron: HOLY SHI-

I smell interesting plot device.

AdmiralTigerclaw · 2008-01-31, 00:06

A suggestion on the Gravity Impact Cannon. No colored energy. Just ripple distortions. Gravity is seperate from the Electromagnetic Force, so it won't emit any form of light. It will merely bend light as it passes through the environment, which would be seen like looking through a glass of clear water.

Also, Gravity propogates at lightspeed. So if you're using direct projection, the moment you fire, the targets will simply SMASH. Alternative is packet launching, which launches condensed gravitational shells at more, conventional speeds.

Anyway. The carnage itself could be a little more drawn out, perhaps more graphic, maybe extend the description of just what she was doing between opening fire, and her finisher. The paragraph:

Spoiler for mindless violence is FUN!:

gets the gist, but doesn't hammer home the rage to the reader. Maybe triple the length of this segment for brutality points.

From about 'Oh no....' etc onward. A few things I would note:

1: Okay, she starts running, what's everyone else doing? Standing there? In a combat situation, one of them should at least 'attempt' to stop her from just dashing forward into the line of fire like a fool. You know, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

2: Where'd everyone else in the scene go when she went berserk? Convenient Coffee Break? (Does chief take coffee breaks?) What is everyone else doing in the middle of this insane moment? What are their reactions? Doesn't Ivanovich have a witty line to throw in here? (He's a Sgt Johnson homage, he should have something to say.)

3: When you can, show, don't tell. When her eyes turn yellow, don't tell us what it means. SHOW us a Combat Cyborg, and We'll know it. It'll hit a LOT harder.

Spoiler for EXAMPLE::

ORIGINAL: (Everything I STRIKETHROUGH doesn't need to be said, you can convey it without telling it.)
Her eyes, contorted with rage, glared at the enemy. Waves of pure mana began to run off of her in a burst, causing the air around her to become hot with energy. She blinked, and when she opened her eyes, her left eye had turned yellow.

The sign of a Combat Cyborg.

"Inherent Equipment..." she whispered, holding up her right arm. "Gravity Impact Cannon."

A transformation occurred in Emili. Her right arm began to change at the elbow, becoming bigger and more streamlined, resembling a weapon. Her right hand open up at the palm, both halves of the limb converging seamlessly with the sides of her arm's protective gear. Her left eye acted as a crosshair as she pointed her arm at the enemy and, on mental command, fired.
(Her ____, Her ____, Her ____ Her ____. Reccuring pattern anyone? Repetative and dull. Let's fix that. You can still use 'her', but juggle it a little more and vary the sentences. We've established all this is part of her body.)

Modified:
She glared at the enemy, her eyes blurred with tears and fury, contorting to the look of a demon about to be unleashed. In the time it took her to blink, they had gone from sparkling blue to a ghastly yellow. Then time itself seemed to slow down.

"Inherent equipment..." she droned lifelessly, holding her right arm up.
(Pause for effect. Imagine as if you were watching it like a movie, and the camera cuts at this point so you only see half of her face. Simultaniously, the music would also cut off. This is known as a silent gap, dramatic pause, etc.)

"Gravity, Impact, Cannon."

Her hand split open with a snap, the palm dividing and drawing away into the wrist, merging with the protective body gear around it. Then (convey passage of time) her arm extended, nearly doubling in length from the elbow down. (Convey some form of quanity to visualize. Saying 'it got bigger' is vague. Show us, don't tell us.) Several venting chambers popped into view along the forarm as it hummed dangerously to life.

If Ivanovich had been smoking, he'd have been forced to spit his cigar out.
"I don't think that one was standard issue," he quipped.

Emili lowered her new weapon at her enemies, target lock assisted by a simple crosshair that superimposed itself in her vision. (Don't tell us which eye. That's a little bit too much useless info. Besides, left eye crosshair for a right arm weapon? You fire from your dominant eye. Though I can't blame you for not knowing that one. The 'aiming' eye will always be the firing eye... if you expect to... well, hit anything.) It followed the aimpoint of her arm as she tracked her first target.
'DIE,' she thought.

The entire OFM team nearly jumped. With a loud whine and crack, her attacker was litterally obliterated, along with his immediate surroundings. All fire ceased momentarily as the enemy forces took stock of what just DIDN'T happen in front of their very eyes. She only looked up at them, deadly calm...
And then all hell broke loose.
In seconds, Emili instagibbed two more of her opponents, smashing them into a messy paste no matter what they had for cover. They quickly returned fire in pure terror as she marched on them with wreckless impunity. Those lucky enough not to take a direct hit would probably still end up in an intensive care unit anyway.
Her berserker rampage reached a fever pitch as she systematically began to demolish the structure piece by piece, caring little or not at all for whatever happened to herself in the process. A chilling howl of rage that would have frozen even Chief's blood, had his own heart not already been long since condemned to the cold, escaped her lips as she tore through the enemy position like a walking natural dissaster. Her Impact Cannon hissed in protest as she continued to fire well past its rated limits, visibly starting to smoke as it obeyed the morbid wishes of a master who had never used it before, dealing out Death indiscriminate.
**SNIP: No more free text work.**

NOW, Emili is scary.

Oops... perhaps going into depth like that was overkill.

Kagerou · 2008-01-31, 00:42

Quote:

Originally Posted by AdmiralTigerclaw

A suggestion on the Gravity Impact Cannon. No colored energy. Just ripple distortions. Gravity is seperate from the Electromagnetic Force, so it won't emit any form of light. It will merely bend light as it passes through the environment, which would be seen like looking through a glass of clear water.

Also, Gravity propogates at lightspeed. So if you're using direct projection, the moment you fire, the targets will simply SMASH. Alternative is packet launching, which launches condensed gravitational shells at more, conventional speeds.

To be fair; it's just a name. A misleading name, yes, but it's just a name. If you must know, I got the name from a similar weapon that doesn't appear to do anything with gravity. I'll probably change it (though not "Black Hole Cannon") to something more generic

.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AdmiralTigerclaw

Anyway. The carnage itself could be a little more drawn out, perhaps more graphic, maybe extend the description of just what she was doing between opening fire, and her finisher. The paragraph:

Spoiler for mindless violence is FUN!:

In my defense, I deliberately tried to make it short, but whatever. It's still good advice XD.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AdmiralTigerclaw

gets the gist, but doesn't hammer home the rage to the reader. Maybe triple the length of this segment for brutality points.

From about 'Oh no....' etc onward. A few things I would note:

1: Okay, she starts running, what's everyone else doing? Standing there? In a combat situation, one of them should at least 'attempt' to stop her from just dashing forward into the line of fire like a fool. You know, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

2: Where'd everyone else in the scene go when she went berserk? Convenient Coffee Break? (Does chief take coffee breaks?) What is everyone else doing in the middle of this insane moment? What are their reactions? Doesn't Ivanovich have a witty line to throw in here? (He's a Sgt Johnson homage, he should have something to say.)

3: When you can, show, don't tell. When her eyes turn yellow, don't tell us what it means. SHOW us a Combat Cyborg, and We'll know it. It'll hit a LOT harder.

1. This is lampshaded by Naomi later. Usually when Emili does something on her own, that means things die. Normally, when she leads a team, she actually does team-based things.

2. Everyone else is doing exactly as I said earlier. There were multiple targets, and the others are out taking down those targets. The plan was to then regroup and take out the enemy head on. Since Emili and Lance Flight got done with their target first, she decided to check up on Glen, since he was crazy enough to fly solo. So admittedly, this entire thing was his fault.

3.

will remember for future reference.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AdmiralTigerclaw

Spoiler for EXAMPLE::

ORIGINAL: (Everything I STRIKETHROUGH doesn't need to be said, you can convey it without telling it.)
Her eyes, contorted with rage, glared at the enemy. Waves of pure mana began to run off of her in a burst, causing the air around her to become hot with energy. She blinked, and when she opened her eyes, her left eye had turned yellow.

The sign of a Combat Cyborg.

"Inherent Equipment..." she whispered, holding up her right arm. "Gravity Impact Cannon."

A transformation occurred in Emili. Her right arm began to change at the elbow, becoming bigger and more streamlined, resembling a weapon. Her right hand open up at the palm, both halves of the limb converging seamlessly with the sides of her arm's protective gear. Her left eye acted as a crosshair as she pointed her arm at the enemy and, on mental command, fired.
(Her ____, Her ____, Her ____ Her ____. Reccuring pattern anyone? Repetative and dull. Let's fix that. You can still use 'her', but juggle it a little more and vary the sentences. We've established all this is part of her body.)

Modified:
She glared at the enemy, her eyes blurred with tears and fury, contorting to the look of a demon about to be unleashed. In the time it took her to blink, they had gone from sparkling blue to a ghastly yellow. Then time itself seemed to slow down.

"Inherent equipment..." she droned lifelessly, holding her right arm up.
(Pause for effect. Imagine as if you were watching it like a movie, and the camera cuts at this point so you only see half of her face. Simultaniously, the music would also cut off. This is known as a silent gap, dramatic pause, etc.)

"Gravity, Impact, Cannon."

Her hand split open with a snap, the palm dividing and drawing away into the wrist, merging with the protective body gear around it. Then (convey passage of time) her arm extended, nearly doubling in length from the elbow down. (Convey some form of quanity to visualize. Saying 'it got bigger' is vague. Show us, don't tell us.) Several venting chambers popped into view along the forarm as it hummed dangerously to life.

If Ivanovich had been smoking, he'd have been forced to spit his cigar out.
"I don't think that one was standard issue," he quipped.

Emili lowered her new weapon at her enemies, target lock assisted by a simple crosshair that superimposed itself in her vision. (Don't tell us which eye. That's a little bit too much useless info. Besides, left eye crosshair for a right arm weapon? You fire from your dominant eye. Though I can't blame you for not knowing that one. The 'aiming' eye will always be the firing eye... if you expect to... well, hit anything.) It followed the aimpoint of her arm as she tracked her first target.
'DIE,' she thought.

The entire OFM team nearly jumped. With a loud whine and crack, her attacker was litterally obliterated, along with his immediate surroundings. All fire ceased momentarily as the enemy forces took stock of what just DIDN'T happen in front of their very eyes. She only looked up at them, deadly calm...
And then all hell broke loose.
In seconds, Emili instagibbed two more of her opponents, smashing them into a messy paste no matter what they had for cover. They quickly returned fire in pure terror as she marched on them with wreckless impunity. Those lucky enough not to take a direct hit would probably still end up in an intensive care unit anyway.
Her berserker rampage reached a fever pitch as she systematically began to demolish the structure piece by piece, caring little or not at all for whatever happened to herself in the process. A chilling howl of rage that would have frozen even Chief's blood, had his own heart not already been long since condemned to the cold, escaped her lips as she tore through the enemy position like a walking natural dissaster. Her Impact Cannon hissed in protest as she continued to fire well past its rated limits, visibly starting to smoke as it obeyed the morbid wishes of a master who had never used it before, dealing out Death indiscriminate.
**SNIP: No more free text work.**

NOW, Emili is scary.

Oops... perhaps going into depth like that was overkill.

Not overkill.
Anyway, thanks for the advice and whatnot. I'll remember this for Alpha of course. I'll actually start using my prereader

AdmiralTigerclaw · 2008-01-31, 01:19

No problem. The number one thing I'd have to say for anyone writing is the same thing other writers hammered into me.

Show, don't tell.

If you can show it, do so, don't explain it, just do it, and it'll explain itself.
If that won't work, attatch it to a character's Point of View. Let THEM talk about it, or think about it.
And don't restate the obvious. In one of the examples I struck out, 'Emili's arm underwent a transformation', you had done just that. You told, and then you had shown us.
It's like watching transformers with the MST3K cast and every time they transformed, and then Crow would lean over to you as the robot was changing in front of you and say "Optimus Prime is transforming."

"Yeah, I noticed."

Now, you don't have to show every single time. But at least the first time something happens, you should show in detail. And when you've moved on, but have to do something again, you can tell to move past it. Just like when Hayate unleashes Hraesvelgr. The first time they show full details of the attack... then they skip away to other events, coming back only occaisionally as an 'Oh yeah, she's still attacking with Hraesvelger. This is like, the ninth set now.'

I just can't emphisize this point enough. It REHEHEALLY helps the flow of a story.

Kha · 2008-01-31, 01:35

Quote:

Originally Posted by Liingo

I did?

.......

Or was it Lowe?

Basically I did not realize it until I had long made the post.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Liingo

Ling-tan?

You're fine how you are... Just that I won't be among your readers

Sak-chan:

And that's saddening enough already.

(

)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wild Goose

You'd be surprised at how dangerous female drivers can be. *shakes head* I once saw a female driver in the left side of the highway cut all the way to the right, then all the way to a turnoff on the left, in less than a minute, driving almost totally diagonal across the road. (I am not making this up.)

Well, on the Warthogs: it depends on the model. See, the LRV Warthog only carries 3 because it's not supposed to get into fights; it's supposed to run fast and rely on speed and manuver to evade. Ditto the Gauss Warthog and the Rocket Warthog. On the other hand, the novel-only Warthog APC is basically a warthog stretch with bench seats for 8 people behind driver and shotgun seat, with more room in back.

As for Humvees - basic Humvees had light protection against small arms fire, but the extra armor is now due to IED and RPG protection. On the other hand, it makes the doors damned difficult to open; in fact, it's been reported that the Frag-5 armor kits make the doors too difficult to open, which is why the Army has had to issue a door opening mechanism.

Hmm... Looks like the APC works. We'll just work with the mages inside running barriers against incoming fire instead of hard-fixing frag kits.

*amends Riot 6 Orbat Chart and Assets List*

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wild Goose

...this sentance has just killed off Night of the Killer Tsunderes and the epilogue/final scene of Divergent StrikerS.

Yeah it's a pretty common misconception. Keroko-kun had to point it out himself.

But crack!Keroko is tsun, and I'm not gonna lay off the Keroko=Tsundere inneudoes (though completely not true) all over The Cleric series.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wild Goose

I hope not; Chief is going to have some Big Damn Heroes and Utter Badass moments with a Scorpion in Divergent Strikers.

"Usually the good Lord works in mysterious ways. But not today! This here is 66 tons of straight-up, H.E-spewing dee-vine intervention! If God is love, then you can call me Cupid!"

"Thank you. He never gets me anything."

"Oh, I know what the ladies like..."

Well just invoke Martial Law again. I'm gonna do that really soon after StrikerS, as everyone's gonna want a piece of beheaded TSAB.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Evangelion Xgouki

That would be interesting...

Shamsel: Does that include me? Cause you already have the concept for...

Xgouki :Shhhh!

*goes on to work on secret emergency crack plans*

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aaron008R

Need mah brain to keep functioning.

Anyway, here's a crack-induced possible scenario in GenerationS.

Spoiler for a part in GenerationS?:

*RUNS FROM NIGHTY*

Better run from Caster too. NOT to mention her Master as well, for screwing around with her imouto.

LoweGear · 2008-01-31, 02:30

ZETSUBOUSHITA!!!!!!

BACKLOG NI ZETSUBOUSHITA!!!!

*ehem*

Short backlog breaker

Quote:

Originally Posted by AdmiralTigerclaw

Since people seem interested in the anger of Don, I skipped way ahead and wrote the scene for him that I had been thinking of since I materialized his concept.

Spoiler for WARNING: Profanity to the EXTREME:

Yup, Don's language is more colorful than a kaleidoscope's

Quote:

Originally Posted by Evangelion Xgouki

The crack gas is strong

Name: Ryotaro Nogami
TSAB Rank: 2nd Lieutenant
Gender: Male
Age: 21
Birthday: August 06 MC 054
Place of Birth: Administered Planet 67
Height: 175 cm
Weight: 70 kg
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Dark Brown
Mage Rank: B+
Magic Type: Mid-Childa
Magic Color: Grey
Magic Specialization: Physical
Combat Specialization: Close- and Mid-range Combat

Device Name: Den-O
Device Type: Prototype Multi-Intelligent Device
Device Primary Structure: Belt and Pass
Device Storage Form: Black card with a silver circle and side-ways lambda symbol
Device Appearance

Spoiler for For Length:

Personality

Spoiler for For Length:

Appearance

Spoiler for For Length:

Barrier Jacket

Spoiler for For Length:

Background

Spoiler for For Length:

Ryotaro was born as the youngest of two on the world designated as Administered Planet 67. Although not a very common occurrence, magic was a common component of the modern social structure. Ever since the TSAB formed an alliance with their world many decades ago, their control and understanding of magic from a dark and evil art to one of normality and possibility has evolved significantly. In the past practitioners of magic were shunned from society as freaks and lived as outcasts in their own communities. Now their world is one of many hoping to make large strides in magical research. At the main TSAB research center a potential breakthrough was made in MC 070. Originally questioned by other scientists, the researchers on Project DenLiner made a break through creation in Device technology.

At the time, Devices were only able to function with a single AI to help a mage regulate their mana and cast spells. The limited power of these AIs restricted users to a small range of specializes. It was possible to use a wide-variety of spells, but they would lack a lot of control and power. Their prototype, on the other hand, allowed a user to use multiple classifications of magic by having an AI installed in the Device for each form of magic used. This would allow for each AI to use their full potential to control and regulate a specific magic classification to its fullest rather than having to separate its functions over several. At least, that would be their eventual hope. The current Multi-Intelligent Device prototype incorporates four individual AIs, each of which is active depending on the desired magic to be used. In the current state, the Device allows the user a fairly limited use of a wide-range of magical spells. Rather it is tuned towards the use of physical enhancement spells until they can further research upgrades and field data. For that they would need someone to test the new Device.

As he grew up, Ryotaro seemed to have an eternal bad luck streak. Most of it would get himself injured in rather bizarre ways or in the wrong place at the wrong time. This made his sister extremely protective of him and watchful for his health. Even as his bad luck continued, he would rarely get angry and would wave off the various incidents. When he got older he would help out in their family coffee shop from time to time, injuries providing. Everything would change for him, however, on that day in November MC 068. Many would say it was due to his bad luck, but some would argue that it was coming of his lucky star.

It was unknown as to how he was selected to be the designated tester of the Multi-Intelligent Device except maybe by a select few. Regardless of how it came to be, he would soon find himself as a new recruit into the TSAB (due to regulations) as a mage even though he hadn’t practiced magic a day in his life. He would undergo an accelerated training program to get him up to TSAB standards in knowledge, physical fitness, and magic use. For him the physical training was not as bad as he had expected to due his hobby of hip-hip dancing most evenings. The magical training was another story. It would be almost six months before they would deem him acceptable to test the prototype.

From that day forward he was the designated user of the prototype Multi-Intelligent Device, or Den-O as it became known as. Over the several months of testing, he would bestow names upon the four AIs in the belt as he felt they should have names if they were going to be partners. Soon all the researchers would come to call them by their new names of Momotaros, Urataros, Kintaros, and Ryutaros. By MC 071 the prototype was deemed stable and ready for use in the field. Researche would continue to expand on their current data and improve the functions of the Device to hopefully achieve their originally intended specifications. As for Ryotaro, this meant that he would be transferred out from his world to another division as a full-fledged member of the TSAB with his Device.

A direct Den-O port?

ORE, SANJOU!!!!!!!!!

And Akira's gonna gush when she meets Ryotaro

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kha

As for Yui, she resembles a female version of EVA01/Razengan Overlord, but due to a bug in the Wizard pack software, Yui has the ability to use her flexi-screws normally meant for mounting Wizard packs to cannibalize enemy technology on the fly, like stealing Orga's sensor-suite helmet for better head protection and targeting, or snatching the Type-3's flight system to go airborne...

Yeah so given the right ingredients, Yui might be able to bring the 3rd Impact.

So Yui can now perform YUI IMPACT GATTAI on everyone?

*imagines Yui slamming into the Claudia*

*runs*

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimmy C

Including being killed while demonstrating said point on someone who thought he was really out to kill her.

Spoiler for why you don't jumped trained and armed soldiers:

Yup, there are better ways to train recruits without getting yourself killed

Quote:

Originally Posted by AdmiralTigerclaw

Spoiler for Battle climax:

Crash should star in a Final Destination film or something, just to see how many chain reactions he can initiate (I mean, what are the chances of a cartridge doing that?

).

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kha

OK just a few new things to pull up:

The Cinque-gen Numbers

Taking this recent concept further, I propose a slight variation in their armor as well:

I need the additional hardpoints and glowing circuits for all the techy add-ons a "science weapon" (term of popular culture that means nothing IMO) should have. And she looks like an emo-Sein, no? Gives me ideas.

The Numbers in THAT?!

DO WANT

*runs*

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aaron008R

Anyway, here's a crack-induced possible scenario in GenerationS.

Spoiler for a part in GenerationS?:

*RUNS FROM NIGHTY*

PLEASE DO WRITE MOAR

Wonder how Saga's gonna feel about this one

Quote:

Originally Posted by AdmiralTigerclaw

Also, it might help to crank up DOWN UNDER by Men at Work.

Spoiler for Enter the Aces:

Strange song to use, though for the laid back tone of this chapter it's quite fitting

*Though I keep expecting kangaroos to show up for some reason *

And Rein needs allies for her Anti-Large Bugs campaign!

Quote:

Originally Posted by AdmiralTigerclaw

Fair enough. What about Evangelion refferences? Are they open? I've pretty much physically cloned a certain german redhead to use as Fox, and made direct refferences as well. (Not a full character clone though, just a physical clone.)

Hells with it... read:

Spoiler for Second Children?:

Scene's not done yet...

Can't wait to see what this Asuka's capable off

Strange that Crash also recognized her as the Second Child... yup, lots of Eva fans in MC it seems

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kagerou

Spoiler for A Bad Day for Bad Guys:

So Emili is a Huckebein Mk1 now?

Though her entire IS reminds me of Vash the Stampede, though with less angst and most GAR

Good thing she didn't blow up the moon while she's at it

Quote:

Originally Posted by Evangelion Xgouki

Evangelion...hmm. I believe the the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd Children have already been brought over into Outer Cadia by another person. Although not the same characters, they are somewhat similar.

That'd be me and the three AI's under Kaylin

Although reminds me that I haven't really written much about them recently

USB500 · 2008-01-31, 02:47

Quote:

Originally Posted by AdmiralTigerclaw

Spoiler for EXAMPLE::

ORIGINAL: (Everything I STRIKETHROUGH doesn't need to be said, you can convey it without telling it.)
Her eyes, contorted with rage, glared at the enemy. Waves of pure mana began to run off of her in a burst, causing the air around her to become hot with energy. She blinked, and when she opened her eyes, her left eye had turned yellow.

The sign of a Combat Cyborg.

"Inherent Equipment..." she whispered, holding up her right arm. "Gravity Impact Cannon."

A transformation occurred in Emili. Her right arm began to change at the elbow, becoming bigger and more streamlined, resembling a weapon. Her right hand open up at the palm, both halves of the limb converging seamlessly with the sides of her arm's protective gear. Her left eye acted as a crosshair as she pointed her arm at the enemy and, on mental command, fired.
(Her ____, Her ____, Her ____ Her ____. Reccuring pattern anyone? Repetative and dull. Let's fix that. You can still use 'her', but juggle it a little more and vary the sentences. We've established all this is part of her body.)

Modified:
She glared at the enemy, her eyes blurred with tears and fury, contorting to the look of a demon about to be unleashed. In the time it took her to blink, they had gone from sparkling blue to a ghastly yellow. Then time itself seemed to slow down.

"Inherent equipment..." she droned lifelessly, holding her right arm up.
(Pause for effect. Imagine as if you were watching it like a movie, and the camera cuts at this point so you only see half of her face. Simultaniously, the music would also cut off. This is known as a silent gap, dramatic pause, etc.)

"Gravity, Impact, Cannon."

Her hand split open with a snap, the palm dividing and drawing away into the wrist, merging with the protective body gear around it. Then (convey passage of time) her arm extended, nearly doubling in length from the elbow down. (Convey some form of quanity to visualize. Saying 'it got bigger' is vague. Show us, don't tell us.) Several venting chambers popped into view along the forarm as it hummed dangerously to life.

If Ivanovich had been smoking, he'd have been forced to spit his cigar out.
"I don't think that one was standard issue," he quipped.

Emili lowered her new weapon at her enemies, target lock assisted by a simple crosshair that superimposed itself in her vision. (Don't tell us which eye. That's a little bit too much useless info. Besides, left eye crosshair for a right arm weapon? You fire from your dominant eye. Though I can't blame you for not knowing that one. The 'aiming' eye will always be the firing eye... if you expect to... well, hit anything.) It followed the aimpoint of her arm as she tracked her first target.
'DIE,' she thought.

The entire OFM team nearly jumped. With a loud whine and crack, her attacker was litterally obliterated, along with his immediate surroundings. All fire ceased momentarily as the enemy forces took stock of what just DIDN'T happen in front of their very eyes. She only looked up at them, deadly calm...
And then all hell broke loose.
In seconds, Emili instagibbed two more of her opponents, smashing them into a messy paste no matter what they had for cover. They quickly returned fire in pure terror as she marched on them with wreckless impunity. Those lucky enough not to take a direct hit would probably still end up in an intensive care unit anyway.
Her berserker rampage reached a fever pitch as she systematically began to demolish the structure piece by piece, caring little or not at all for whatever happened to herself in the process. A chilling howl of rage that would have frozen even Chief's blood, had his own heart not already been long since condemned to the cold, escaped her lips as she tore through the enemy position like a walking natural dissaster. Her Impact Cannon hissed in protest as she continued to fire well past its rated limits, visibly starting to smoke as it obeyed the morbid wishes of a master who had never used it before, dealing out Death indiscriminate.
**SNIP: No more free text work.**

NOW, Emili is scary.

Oops... perhaps going into depth like that was overkill.

We have ourselves a Huckebein Mark 1 here.

===================

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoweGear

A direct Den-O port?

ORE, SANJOU!!!!!!!!!

And Akira's gonna gush when she meets Ryotaro

Akira's going to go all dere-dere all pumped up by the newcomer and challenges Ryotaro in a hotblooded duel.

In before dramatically wrong and accidental coupling.

*runs*

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoweGear

So Yui can now perform YUI IMPACT GATTAI on everyone?

*imagines Yui slamming into the Claudia*

*runs*

The imagination is limitless.

=============

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kha

The Cinque-gen Numbers

Taking this recent concept further, I propose a slight variation in their armor as well:

Holy Crap Do Freaking Want The Number In This Suit

*runs*

LoweGear · 2008-01-31, 02:48

Quote:

Originally Posted by USB500

Akira's going dere-dere all pumped up by the newcomer and challenges Ryotaro in a hotblooded duel.

And then starts making hanging out around him more

*runs from Den-Liner*

Wild Goose · 2008-01-31, 02:53

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoweGear

And then starts making hanging out around him more

*runs from Den-Liner*

Isn't her OTP Ibis-is-love-chan?

And yes, emili is a huckbein. In terms of the canon, anyway.

I need to look for it... a photo Danny Ooi took at spring - or was it winter wonder fest - showed two girls in some game or something.

DRESSED IN NUMBERS CATSUIT.

As for power levels, if we were to use SRW terminology:

Master Chief: Huckbein 008R
Erick: Rasengan
Glen: Unknown - Alt Eisen Riese?
Emili: Weiss Ritter Rein with a Black Hole Cannon
Naomi: Weiss Ritter
Franz: Alt Eisen
Ivanovich: Huckbein MKII Protoype

....I think.

LoweGear · 2008-01-31, 02:55

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wild Goose

Isn't her OTP Ibis-is-love-chan?

Who says you can't have more than one?

...

...

*RUNS*

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wild Goose

I need to look for it... a photo Danny Ooi took at spring - or was it winter wonder fest - showed two girls in some game or something.

DRESSED IN NUMBERS CATSUIT.

WANT

USB500 · 2008-01-31, 03:04

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoweGear

And then starts making hanging out around him more

*runs from Den-Liner*

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wild Goose

Isn't her OTP Ibis-is-love-chan?

Well, as an old advice has it:

"Why must choose one when we can have both?"

*RUNS FOR LIFE*

---------------------

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wild Goose

I need to look for it... a photo Danny Ooi took at spring - or was it winter wonder fest - showed two girls in some game or something.

DRESSED IN NUMBERS CATSUIT.

WANT NAO

*wipes drools & runs*

-------------------

Alright. I'm logging off. I see if I can come up with more madness (SPARTA!!!) that is Akira & Ibis-is-love tomorrow (short, maybe).

Oh, expect to see a fully refurbished Great Gurren Heavenly Red Brigade.

Kamina Kagami: GURREN LAGANN!! SPIN ON!! ORE WO DARE DATO OMOTTE!!!!

*cue Sorairo Days*

Ja matta, ne.

*logs off*

SpaceBrotha · 2008-01-31, 03:12

Quote:

Originally Posted by AdmiralTigerclaw

2: Where'd everyone else in the scene go when she went berserk? Convenient Coffee Break? (Does chief take coffee breaks?) What is everyone else doing in the middle of this insane moment? What are their reactions? Doesn't Ivanovich have a witty line to throw in here? (He's a Sgt Johnson homage, he should have something to say.)

A nice example of "do what i say, not what i do" right there admiral

For your little battle moment with the aces clearly had fate on a coffee break long enough for Crash to completely forget her... even though her specialty is extremely speedy hit and runs, not sitting in the corner watching while people are charging their shots. Especially since those shots were aimed at nanoha...
And you didn't even have the convenient "but there were other targets" explanation that Kagerou has...

Quote:

3: When you can, show, don't tell. When her eyes turn yellow, don't tell us what it means. SHOW us a Combat Cyborg, and We'll know it. It'll hit a LOT harder.

Haha, yeah, it does seem like it's fanfiction for dummies...

So just a little less stating the obvious, though some should be there, especially on things that shouldn't be clear simply by watching the series...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aaron008R

*RUNS FROM NIGHTY*

But that's a very good name for the book, and i'm sure Saga would agree with me on that... why would nighty be *sees nighty* *duck and cover!*

Kha · 2008-01-31, 03:58

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoweGear

ZETSUBOUSHITA!!!!!!

BACKLOG NI ZETSUBOUSHITA!!!!

*ehem*

Short backlog breaker

Yeap its the time for season 2.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoweGear

So Yui can now perform YUI IMPACT GATTAI on everyone?

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoweGear

*Remembers Yui slamming into the Claudia*

*runs*

Fixed according to latest crack imported from My Name Is Tais into Rebuilt.

*runs*

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoweGear

The Numbers in THAT?!

DO WANT

*runs*

Quote:

Originally Posted by USB500

Holy Crap Do Freaking Want The Number In This Suit

*runs*

"Your Command is my Wish."

~~~New intelligence data updated~~~

Crack destined for Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha AfterStrike AKA Der Kleriker Kronicles - Rückkehr des Königs:

Spoiler for Ow mah brain...:

:

*RUNS*

AdmiralTigerclaw · 2008-01-31, 04:00

Quote:

Originally Posted by SpaceBrotha

A nice example of "do what i say, not what i do" right there admiral

For your little battle moment with the aces clearly had fate on a coffee break long enough for Crash to completely forget her... even though her specialty is extremely speedy hit and runs, not sitting in the corner watching while people are charging their shots. Especially since those shots were aimed at nanoha...
And you didn't even have the convenient "but there were other targets" explanation that Kagerou has...

Oh trust me, there's another target.

The battlespace in use IS the entire airspace around McGreggor Archipelligo. And the other opponent just so happens to be a hypersonic capable. (Remember what I was talking about bringing EDI into the mix?)

What I wrote was essentially just the very end of the Mock Battle. Something like, the last minute of a ten minute sequence. The way I plan it, EDI only goes down to Bardiche trickery around minute eight. (And by go down, I mean, tagged 'out' of the fight. Not litterally, goes down as in shot down.) But he's drawn fate far enough from Crash that it's become paired 1 on 1 combat. And with Crash as narrow minded as he is...

As for the pairing... well, SOMEONE has to give chase to a Mach 4 capable aircraft with a quantum proccessor AI. (I've garbled the name slightly. in STEALTH it was E.D.I. U.C.A.V . 'Extreme Deep Invader, Unmanned Combat Aireal Vehicle.' In this story, allthough the Engineer characters will be directly refferencing STEALTH as their inspiration for the design, this will be E.D.I. MADCAP: Enhanced Device Intelligence Magical Autonomous Drone Combat Assault Platform. )

So here's some data to chew on.

Spoiler for Sketchy:

LoweGear · 2008-01-31, 04:13

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kha

~~~New intelligence data updated~~~

Crack destined for Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha AfterStrike AKA Der Kleriker Kronicles - Rückkehr des Königs:

Spoiler for Ow mah brain...:

:

*RUNS*

HOLY SHI-

Asagi: SUGHOI!!!

SUGHOI DESHOU!!!!!

DEKKAI UTSUKUSHII DESU!!!!!

[It's really beautiful!!!!!!]

Maybe we should do a Lancenger vs. Belkaranger vs. Numbaranger Special

And special appearance by the Zerstrorangers!!!!!!!!

*runs*

AdmiralTigerclaw · 2008-01-31, 04:20

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoweGear

Maybe we should do a Lancenger vs. Belkaranger vs. Numbaranger Special

And special appearance by the Zerstrorangers!!!!!!!!

*runs*

DENIED!!!
By order of The Emperor.

LoweGear · 2008-01-31, 04:41

Quote:

Originally Posted by AdmiralTigerclaw

DENIED!!!
By order of The Emperor.

Under Whose Emperor?!

My authority comes from the God Empress of the Holy Belka Imperalium herself!

*runs*

...

She really hasn't made an appearance here in the thread where she spawned hasn't she?

Kha · 2008-01-31, 04:53

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoweGear

HOLY SHI-

Asagi: SUGHOI!!!

SUGHOI DESHOU!!!!!

DEKKAI UTSUKUSHII DESU!!!!!

[It's really beautiful!!!!!!]

indeed.

Wait till you see the full Numbarenger squad. There's supposed to be 13.

Aurion: Trieze! Put more spirit into that! Quatre! Watch yourt balance! And Settie stop slacking!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoweGear

Maybe we should do a Lancenger vs. Belkaranger vs. Numbaranger Special

And special appearance by the Zerstrorangers!!!!!!!!

*runs*

25 Super Mahou Sentai...

The dimension will be torn asunder from all that power...

DO WANT

*runs*

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoweGear

Under Whose Emperor?!

My authority comes from the God Empress of the Holy Belka Imperalium herself!

*runs*

As it is to I! HAIL HARUHI!

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoweGear

She really hasn't made an appearance here in the thread where she spawned hasn't she?

She's like God, once She makes an appearance, we might all stop worshipping her...

Kha · 2008-01-31, 05:34

Double post FTW! Cos the wait IS OVER!

Spoiler for DAIKAZOKU!:

Cheesy, Power-Ranger inspired dialogue, plus Skane was OOC, but the rest is

.

*RUNS*

2008-01-31, 00:06	Link #19083
AdmiralTigerclaw Sword Wielding Penguin Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Subspace, Texas Age: 39	A suggestion on the Gravity Impact Cannon. No colored energy. Just ripple distortions. Gravity is seperate from the Electromagnetic Force, so it won't emit any form of light. It will merely bend light as it passes through the environment, which would be seen like looking through a glass of clear water. Also, Gravity propogates at lightspeed. So if you're using direct projection, the moment you fire, the targets will simply SMASH. Alternative is packet launching, which launches condensed gravitational shells at more, conventional speeds. Anyway. The carnage itself could be a little more drawn out, perhaps more graphic, maybe extend the description of just what she was doing between opening fire, and her finisher. The paragraph: Spoiler for mindless violence is FUN!: Beams of red energy sailed from her, striking her enemies and knocking them out if not killing them outright. She continued firing, expending shot after shot as she walked forward, not thinking about what she was doing to her Linker Core, or if her arm was overheating; indeed, in her rage, she wasn't even aware what she was doing, having never used this weapon before. gets the gist, but doesn't hammer home the rage to the reader. Maybe triple the length of this segment for brutality points. From about 'Oh no....' etc onward. A few things I would note: 1: Okay, she starts running, what's everyone else doing? Standing there? In a combat situation, one of them should at least 'attempt' to stop her from just dashing forward into the line of fire like a fool. You know, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" 2: Where'd everyone else in the scene go when she went berserk? Convenient Coffee Break? (Does chief take coffee breaks?) What is everyone else doing in the middle of this insane moment? What are their reactions? Doesn't Ivanovich have a witty line to throw in here? (He's a Sgt Johnson homage, he should have something to say.) 3: When you can, show, don't tell. When her eyes turn yellow, don't tell us what it means. SHOW us a Combat Cyborg, and We'll know it. It'll hit a LOT harder. Spoiler for EXAMPLE:: ORIGINAL: (Everything I STRIKETHROUGH doesn't need to be said, you can convey it without telling it.) Her eyes, contorted with rage, glared at the enemy. Waves of pure mana began to run off of her in a burst, causing the air around her to become hot with energy. She blinked, and when she opened her eyes, her left eye had turned yellow. The sign of a Combat Cyborg. "Inherent Equipment..." she whispered, holding up her right arm. "Gravity Impact Cannon." A transformation occurred in Emili. Her right arm began to change at the elbow, becoming bigger and more streamlined, resembling a weapon. Her right hand open up at the palm, both halves of the limb converging seamlessly with the sides of her arm's protective gear. Her left eye acted as a crosshair as she pointed her arm at the enemy and, on mental command, fired. (Her ____, Her ____, Her ____ Her ____. Reccuring pattern anyone? Repetative and dull. Let's fix that. You can still use 'her', but juggle it a little more and vary the sentences. We've established all this is part of her body.) Modified: She glared at the enemy, her eyes blurred with tears and fury, contorting to the look of a demon about to be unleashed. In the time it took her to blink, they had gone from sparkling blue to a ghastly yellow. Then time itself seemed to slow down. "Inherent equipment..." she droned lifelessly, holding her right arm up. (Pause for effect. Imagine as if you were watching it like a movie, and the camera cuts at this point so you only see half of her face. Simultaniously, the music would also cut off. This is known as a silent gap, dramatic pause, etc.) "Gravity, Impact, Cannon." Her hand split open with a snap, the palm dividing and drawing away into the wrist, merging with the protective body gear around it. Then (convey passage of time) her arm extended, nearly doubling in length from the elbow down. (Convey some form of quanity to visualize. Saying 'it got bigger' is vague. Show us, don't tell us.) Several venting chambers popped into view along the forarm as it hummed dangerously to life. If Ivanovich had been smoking, he'd have been forced to spit his cigar out. "I don't think that one was standard issue," he quipped. Emili lowered her new weapon at her enemies, target lock assisted by a simple crosshair that superimposed itself in her vision. (Don't tell us which eye. That's a little bit too much useless info. Besides, left eye crosshair for a right arm weapon? You fire from your dominant eye. Though I can't blame you for not knowing that one. The 'aiming' eye will always be the firing eye... if you expect to... well, hit anything.) It followed the aimpoint of her arm as she tracked her first target. 'DIE,' she thought. The entire OFM team nearly jumped. With a loud whine and crack, her attacker was litterally obliterated, along with his immediate surroundings. All fire ceased momentarily as the enemy forces took stock of what just DIDN'T happen in front of their very eyes. She only looked up at them, deadly calm... And then all hell broke loose. In seconds, Emili instagibbed two more of her opponents, smashing them into a messy paste no matter what they had for cover. They quickly returned fire in pure terror as she marched on them with wreckless impunity. Those lucky enough not to take a direct hit would probably still end up in an intensive care unit anyway. Her berserker rampage reached a fever pitch as she systematically began to demolish the structure piece by piece, caring little or not at all for whatever happened to herself in the process. A chilling howl of rage that would have frozen even Chief's blood, had his own heart not already been long since condemned to the cold, escaped her lips as she tore through the enemy position like a walking natural dissaster. Her Impact Cannon hissed in protest as she continued to fire well past its rated limits, visibly starting to smoke as it obeyed the morbid wishes of a master who had never used it before, dealing out Death indiscriminate. SNIP: No more free text work. NOW, Emili is scary. Oops... perhaps going into depth like that was overkill.

2008-01-31, 05:34	Link #19100
Kha ~ I Do ~ Author Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: In the XV-8A Spartan "00" Age: 38	Double post FTW! Cos the wait *IS OVER!* Spoiler for DAIKAZOKU!: The Numbarengers lay sprawled in a writhing mess around Skane, each attack failing to even make the self-proclaimed God Emperor flinch. "Hahaha!" Skane cackled as he stepped closer to Cinque. The leader in turn was squirming away. "You puny Rangers are no match for the might of the 12 Labors! I shall crush you all like the pitiful bugs you are--" *"HOWDAREYOUDOTHISMYSISTERS KIIICKHAAA!!!"* The big man barely had time to look up when a blur of red and black slammed an outstretched leg into his humorus, forcing Skane into a long blackslide lasting several meters. kha dropped out of the kick smoothly. "Ni-san!" Sein cried as she hobbled to her feet. The other Numbers slowly gathered round. "Everyone still able to fight?" "Mm!" "Kha, how timely of you to show up," Skane spat. "I was about to go looking for the next challenger." "Your path to destruction ends here, Skane." The Cleric glared with an eye. "Tsk, talking all big-headed as usual, you lousy ripoff!" With that, the bald Meister charged. But Kha hardly moved a muscle, taking the attack full in the face. Skane's fist crumpled through easily, and the Prophet cursed. It was an illusion. But to his surprise, even the Numbers around him faded out, and suddenly found himself engulfed into a massive beam of pink. "I missed," Trieze panned as she floated down. "Good work, Quatre, Trieze." Kha commented as he dropped the camoflage field set up around him. "That Shimmering Curtain helped me pull the girls out safely before Trieze launched the Heavy Barrel." "Ah... I'm so glad it worked somehow," the shy pinked-headed bespectacled Number whispered anxiously as she followed suit. The other Numbers followed suit, strangely finding their strength returning. "Good, good! Not too many injuries, otherwise Kia's gonna be sooo taxed putting you girls back together!" Said the tiny Maki, Kia's familiar. "Maki-chan...?" Nove voiced, then spun around. "Oka-san!" Kia, with her bloodline and Knight Armor activated, joined the massive gaggle beaming like she usually does. "Oka-san! You're alright!" Wendi scampered up and glomped the elder lady. And just then, Skane dug himself out of the crater he was in. "Who they hell are you intruders?!" "I believe we haven't been introduced yet, deshou?" Maki smirked. "Trieze, you're the youngest, you first." "Wagata. *The Faceless Sentokijin. Numba-Trieze." Trieze replied quickly, without any expression or gesture. Maki facepalmed. "Nonono... Not like that... " "The Revived Sentokijin of Burning Wings!" Settie yelled, pulling out the twin beamerangs from her backpack, twirled them around and stopped in Batou stance. "Numba-Sette!" "A- ano... The Shi- shi-mmering Sentoki- ki- kijin!" Quatre tried to spin around but almost fell over. "Numba-Quattro!* Gome... " "*The Half Sentokijin!" Kha slammed his faceplates together and lashed out in a double-fisted fighting stance. "Numba-Tre!" "The Invisible Sentokijin!" Maki squeaked as she twirled her little scythe. "Numba-Due!" "The Graceful Sentokijin..." Kia sang as she lifted her veil and knocked the stump of her Power Key on the ground. "Numba-Uno!" With that, all the girls and lone guy gathered up... "KIDOU SENTAI DAIKAZOKU!"* ...for one final pose. *"NUMBARENGER!!!"* Another explosion of fiery spirit erupted behind them. Cheesy, Power-Ranger inspired dialogue, plus Skane was OOC, but the rest is . *RUNS* __________________

2008-01-31, 01:19	Link #19085
AdmiralTigerclaw Sword Wielding Penguin Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Subspace, Texas Age: 39	No problem. The number one thing I'd have to say for anyone writing is the same thing other writers hammered into me. Show, don't tell. If you can show it, do so, don't explain it, just do it, and it'll explain itself. If that won't work, attatch it to a character's Point of View. Let THEM talk about it, or think about it. And don't restate the obvious. In one of the examples I struck out, 'Emili's arm underwent a transformation', you had done just that. You told, and then you had shown us. It's like watching transformers with the MST3K cast and every time they transformed, and then Crow would lean over to you as the robot was changing in front of you and say "Optimus Prime is transforming." "Yeah, I noticed." Now, you don't have to show every single time. But at least the first time something happens, you should show in detail. And when you've moved on, but have to do something again, you can tell to move past it. Just like when Hayate unleashes Hraesvelgr. The first time they show full details of the attack... then they skip away to other events, coming back only occaisionally as an 'Oh yeah, she's still attacking with Hraesvelger. This is like, the ninth set now.' I just can't emphisize this point enough. It REHEHEALLY helps the flow of a story.