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Old 2009-06-29, 09:37   Link #1221
stubby42
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: UK/Canada
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
Heh, there's nothing wrong with living life like a plan. And if things have been going according to plan, you're lucky! Much of my earlier life was basically working out like a plan, but the past three or so years were very much a matter of bobbing and weaving with various events and bits of information. Hence my philosophy and recommendation of having a general framework in mind, but overall keeping your eyes open and being quick about grabbing opportunities that come your way.

The decision about the UK vs. Canada is up to you, and whether a woman would make you reconsider that is also up to you (and to the woman, and to both of your chemistry combinations). It's an interesting thought, but right now it may be premature to worry about it. However, if you do find someone and begin dating, you would probably want to be up-front about your plans. It may decrease your chances of getting farther into the relationship, but it'd also decrease the likelihood of a painful separation on your part and the part of the lady. Either way, I wouldn't completely hold off on a relationship because of it. Just perhaps, approach them more cautiously.
I know its pretty pointless thinking about it now, truth be told I've been feeling a little lonely lately, its been a long time since I was ina relationship and that was only short, I guess the idea that I'd be leaving the country with very little intention of coming back other than for a visit at christmas kind of amplified the way I was feeling after all who would want to get into a relationship that only has a year long deadline on it.

But hey I might atcually find a girl who will atleast want to try living out in canada and she can get a working holiday visa if shes british who knows things might work out.

This is all purely hypothetical since theres nothing in sight at the moment.
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Old 2009-07-25, 16:44   Link #1222
Mortis
You fool!
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Gdynia - Poland
Ok, so here I am with my story.

Last year, like every year during the holidays I was working at a bakery - a normal holiday job for 2 months, to earn some cash for the rest of the holidays
There I met a girl which I quickly became fascinated with. At first we didnt have much opportunities to talk but while the job was coming to an end, we finally got the chance to get to know each other. I can clearly say that by the end we were getting along really well. I finished working there a few days before her, and went for a week long rest to the mountains with some friends, which we had planned for 2 months or so. We kinda made a promise we would see each other after I came back, but here's where the problems started.

At first when i wanted to meet (it was september and she started attending to school) she said she was really busy and told me 'another time'. A understood that since I also had little time for anything else than studying.
As it turned out later on that was the last message I ever recived from her. Everything went *poof* like a bubble. And I have no idea why. I message her a couple of times, called her, never got an answer to anything. Finally I let go seeing that nothing's gonna help.

Now, here I am, another holiday time, working again at the same place.
This week I found out that she'll be working there form the beggining of august and realized that I actually still care about her (how stupid of me...)
My problem is that if we meet (3 diffrent shifts possible, but there is a very high chance that we will), I have absouletly no idea how to behave.
Should I come up and ask directly what the hell happened last year, simply ignore her, or wait and see if she's gonna try and do anything?

Any advice?
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Old 2009-07-25, 20:48   Link #1223
Ledgem
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Just act like you're friendly acquaintences.

Based off of your descriptions, you have no reason (wishful thinking aside) to expect that something would have happened. You were getting along well, maybe there was a mutual interest, but it's possible that while she was on your mind a lot of the time, you weren't on hers. So spending a week away from her (and out of contact, I presume) is a week out of her mind, and who knows what else was going on in her life at that time. For that matter, who knows what's happened in her life for this entire time?

So, the "ask directly what the hell happened" is a great way to completely turn her off and make things awkward between the two of you even as co-workers. Ignoring her has the potential to do the same. You don't know whether she's still single or whether she has her eyes on someone else at this point, so don't assume that your relationship to her now will be the same or even nearly the same as it was one year ago.

Strategically speaking, be friendly, get more information, and charm her (unless she's no longer single).
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Old 2009-07-26, 02:06   Link #1224
Jazzrat
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Does she lives far away from you? It's possible that she wasnt interested in a long distance relationship. Getting along very well could have been just as normal friends. She might have been pulling away from you because you were expecting something else?

But important thing is, learnt to be patient and dont get caught up by what you want. Just think of her as a friend. When you see her again, give her your friendly smile and be a "normal" friend to her. See what's her response from there on. If she acts cold towards you, just maintain the friendship outlook. If she gets friendly with you again, then u can flirt lightly with her. It's kinda like a game of cat and mice. If you gotta tease her a bit.

Most people dont appreciate things given freely so don't give yourself away for free cause she ll just throw you away haha.
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Old 2009-07-26, 16:28   Link #1225
otakujohn
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Join Date: Dec 2003
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I haven't had a relationship of any kind since 1998. I refuse to go through that crap again.



Congrats to those that have a better time with it though.
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Old 2009-07-26, 17:04   Link #1226
Lio
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mortis View Post
Should I come up and ask directly what the hell happened last year, simply ignore her, or wait and see if she's gonna try and do anything?

Any advice?
Give her space and just be your usual friendly self. And live your own life.
Chances are after an entire school year, she doesn't remember you anymore. I doubt she remembers you as much as you remember her. But that's okay. The thing is, girls don't want to be your number one. They want your life to be your number one. Just be your usual friendly self going on with your own life, and hey, didn't that girl work at the same bakery last summer?
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Old 2009-07-26, 19:33   Link #1227
Ledgem
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Quote:
Originally Posted by otakujohn View Post
I haven't had a relationship of any kind since 1998. I refuse to go through that crap again.
Sounds like you had a bad experience - sorry to hear that. It's understandable that you wouldn't want to put yourself into that type of vulnerable position again, and if you're perfectly happy as you are, then you really have no reason to bother. Otherwise, finding the right person (while difficult and a bit of a gamble each time) is really wonderful. I occasionally feel nostalgic for the days when I was single; when I could do things fully by my own schedule, and when being in my apartment meant that it was largely just me, my thoughts, my music, and occasional internet contacts. Things are certainly noisier with a significant other However, having someone that you can share everything with, someone that you can really count on - it's wonderful.

I'm really incredibly lucky... to have found someone who is so compatible with me, and more importantly, who shares the same goals and desires that I do. It's easy to take things like these for granted, but I try to remind myself often that it's really something not to be taken lightly. It'd be nice if everyone could find people that they match so well with.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lio View Post
The thing is, girls don't want to be your number one. They want your life to be your number one. Just be your usual friendly self going on with your own life, and hey, didn't that girl work at the same bakery last summer?
Depends on the girl. I think that most girls (stereotypical "party girls" at least) don't want to be the #1 thing in a guy's life. They might feel that the guy is being clingy or what have you. However, there are girls who want to be #1. They might not say it, but it hurts them and makes them feel not quite as special to not be #1. I like to think that they're the sensitive girls who want to give their all to a relationship, and somewhat expect that sentiment returned from their guy. Arguably these types of girls are more rare - or perhaps just not as vocal about their wants.

But ultimately we can't really make generalizations about groups of people. Read the individual and go by him/her, not the sort of stuff you'd read in a men's health magazine
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Old 2009-07-28, 07:19   Link #1228
Mystique
Honyaku no Hime
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the eastern capital of the islands of the rising suns...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
Just act like you're friendly acquaintences.

Based off of your descriptions, you have no reason (wishful thinking aside) to expect that something would have happened. You were getting along well, maybe there was a mutual interest, but it's possible that while she was on your mind a lot of the time, you weren't on hers. So spending a week away from her (and out of contact, I presume) is a week out of her mind, and who knows what else was going on in her life at that time. For that matter, who knows what's happened in her life for this entire time?

So, the "ask directly what the hell happened" is a great way to completely turn her off and make things awkward between the two of you even as co-workers. Ignoring her has the potential to do the same. You don't know whether she's still single or whether she has her eyes on someone else at this point, so don't assume that your relationship to her now will be the same or even nearly the same as it was one year ago.

Strategically speaking, be friendly, get more information, and charm her (unless she's no longer single).
Turning into a right old 'agony uncle' aren't you? xD
This good advice though (on this reply and the one above)

For the bakery girl case:
People change everyday.
Life changes everyday, no two days are the same unless you're stuck in a loop, so how a person evolves in a year can be quite significant and work to your favour or against you.
For now, enjoy the summer and keep the working relationship pleasant
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Old 2009-07-29, 11:39   Link #1229
Skullchukka
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Age: 35
Reading people's dating issues is hard stuff. Too many issues.. xD

So, we have some advice giving people in this thread, some of them appeal to my personal point of view too, but in my case, I can not look my problem from another point of view, so I'm asking help - well, direction.

*cough* Explanation first:
We met at a forum 3-4 years ago, we are seeing each other in real life for 3-4 years also. We're as close as people can get, literally. But we're not a "dating couple." I've always liked her, and she confessed she always felt some chemistry between us, but we just couldn't be together - we were just too precious for each other to ruin it.

Now I'm leaving for another country to study. We had a very very depressive month; due to my leaving. We won't be seeing each other for a year (repeating for each year for the next 3-4 years), and I'll only be able to come back here for about 1 month - at my summer holidays.

I've left to another town for about a week and a half before leaving my country, now I'm staying here, and I'll be departing from my present town - not the town where she lives. So we've already lived our 'last moments', a very very sad farewell.

Now I have the chance to invite her to my present town, where she always wanted to visit, for about 2~ days before my departure to another country. I've invited her, and asked her to think about it. She will be giving her answer within some days.

Does this make me a bad person? Since she already had to go through the trouble to give me a farewell (which was really really heart crushing to both of us as you can imagine), now just when she thinks she won't be seeing me for a year, I invite her to stay for 2 more days before I leave; thus making her experience another farewell...
I really was charising 2 more days spent with her, but the other side of this story (making her feel another farewell) seems like a horrible thing to do. I'd love to see her once more for 2 more days, and I KNOW she would love to see me too.. one more time.

Are the 2 last days spent together worth another farewell?
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Old 2009-07-29, 12:42   Link #1230
Jinto
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Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Fürth (GER)
Age: 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skullchukka View Post
Reading people's dating issues is hard stuff. Too many issues.. xD

So, we have some advice giving people in this thread, some of them appeal to my personal point of view too, but in my case, I can not look my problem from another point of view, so I'm asking help - well, direction.

*cough* Explanation first:
We met at a forum 3-4 years ago, we are seeing each other in real life for 3-4 years also. We're as close as people can get, literally. But we're not a "dating couple." I've always liked her, and she confessed she always felt some chemistry between us, but we just couldn't be together - we were just too precious for each other to ruin it.

Now I'm leaving for another country to study. We had a very very depressive month; due to my leaving. We won't be seeing each other for a year (repeating for each year for the next 3-4 years), and I'll only be able to come back here for about 1 month - at my summer holidays.

I've left to another town for about a week and a half before leaving my country, now I'm staying here, and I'll be departing from my present town - not the town where she lives. So we've already lived our 'last moments', a very very sad farewell.

Now I have the chance to invite her to my present town, where she always wanted to visit, for about 2~ days before my departure to another country. I've invited her, and asked her to think about it. She will be giving her answer within some days.

Does this make me a bad person? Since she already had to go through the trouble to give me a farewell (which was really really heart crushing to both of us as you can imagine), now just when she thinks she won't be seeing me for a year, I invite her to stay for 2 more days before I leave; thus making her experience another farewell...
I really was charising 2 more days spent with her, but the other side of this story (making her feel another farewell) seems like a horrible thing to do. I'd love to see her once more for 2 more days, and I KNOW she would love to see me too.. one more time.

Are the 2 last days spent together worth another farewell?
You should have a little more confidence in her ability to decide this by herself. You offered her to meet again and she can say yeah or nay.
You won't see each other for a year. Well I'ld say thats a good opportunity for you two to use that time and actually decide on whether to stay just friends or to pursue for a deeper relationship. You can't expect an almost-relationship to last forever. Somewhen you'ld have had to rethink this anyway.

*this is just my humble personal oppinion. I am not an oracle for matters of human relations*
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Old 2009-07-29, 17:13   Link #1231
Jazzrat
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skullchukka View Post
Reading people's dating issues is hard stuff. Too many issues.. xD

So, we have some advice giving people in this thread, some of them appeal to my personal point of view too, but in my case, I can not look my problem from another point of view, so I'm asking help - well, direction.

*cough* Explanation first:
We met at a forum 3-4 years ago, we are seeing each other in real life for 3-4 years also. We're as close as people can get, literally. But we're not a "dating couple." I've always liked her, and she confessed she always felt some chemistry between us, but we just couldn't be together - we were just too precious for each other to ruin it.

Now I'm leaving for another country to study. We had a very very depressive month; due to my leaving. We won't be seeing each other for a year (repeating for each year for the next 3-4 years), and I'll only be able to come back here for about 1 month - at my summer holidays.

I've left to another town for about a week and a half before leaving my country, now I'm staying here, and I'll be departing from my present town - not the town where she lives. So we've already lived our 'last moments', a very very sad farewell.

Now I have the chance to invite her to my present town, where she always wanted to visit, for about 2~ days before my departure to another country. I've invited her, and asked her to think about it. She will be giving her answer within some days.

Does this make me a bad person? Since she already had to go through the trouble to give me a farewell (which was really really heart crushing to both of us as you can imagine), now just when she thinks she won't be seeing me for a year, I invite her to stay for 2 more days before I leave; thus making her experience another farewell...
I really was charising 2 more days spent with her, but the other side of this story (making her feel another farewell) seems like a horrible thing to do. I'd love to see her once more for 2 more days, and I KNOW she would love to see me too.. one more time.

Are the 2 last days spent together worth another farewell?
Precious moments together are often hard to find so personally, i would give it another try. While it does make goodbyes a bit hard but it also made the times you spent together extra sweet.

I had the same thing awhile ago, while the 2 days we had spent was memorable, the extra day we manage to squeeze before i had to fly off made it even better. Having bittersweet memories are better than having none imo.
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Old 2009-07-29, 20:15   Link #1232
Ledgem
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Age: 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skullchukka View Post
We met at a forum 3-4 years ago, we are seeing each other in real life for 3-4 years also. We're as close as people can get, literally. But we're not a "dating couple." I've always liked her, and she confessed she always felt some chemistry between us, but we just couldn't be together - we were just too precious for each other to ruin it.
What would ruin it? Being "official"? Kissing? Sex? You don't need to answer me, either, just think about it.

I haven't been so long out of the dating scene that I've forgotten how it feels, though. You meet a girl who seems like they could be your best friend forever, and you don't want to ruin that friendship by lacing it with romance. The first (and worst) fear is that she'll say no and that'll turn things awkward, leaving you with absolutely nothing - no lover, no best friend. But it sounds like you sort of already got past that step. The second fear is that dating will change things.

I don't give this advice as though I have years of experience on you (because I don't, according to your reported age), but first, I'd "fix" that relationship bit. It's always possible that two very close friends will not be compatible as a couple, but if both have similar future goals (at least in terms of family goals) then I'm not sure that a whole lot can go wrong. You already admitted that you like her like that.

But what if the friendship is ruined? I may be odd, but here's how I see it - friendships are transient. I can't tell you how many people I've met that I thought I'd be best friends for life with, and now I'm lucky if I talk to them more than once or twice a year. Maybe we're all just so busy that we don't have time to chat. Regardless, that time away from friends is time that you grow apart. Even if you move close to each other in the future, there's no guarantee that you'll be compatible with each other (in terms of interests, hobbies, lifestyles, timings). Then again, I'm currently in a period of harsh transitions in my life, so perhaps it's inevitable for me and not something that others have to contend with.

However, the point is to say that you're lucky (blessed, if you have religious inclinations) to have found such a person and remained together all this time. The distance doesn't have to ruin it, but if things remain as just a friendship - well, it's possible.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skullchukka View Post
Now I'm leaving for another country to study. We had a very very depressive month; due to my leaving. We won't be seeing each other for a year (repeating for each year for the next 3-4 years), and I'll only be able to come back here for about 1 month - at my summer holidays.
...
Does this make me a bad person? Since she already had to go through the trouble to give me a farewell (which was really really heart crushing to both of us as you can imagine), now just when she thinks she won't be seeing me for a year, I invite her to stay for 2 more days before I leave; thus making her experience another farewell...
I really was charising 2 more days spent with her, but the other side of this story (making her feel another farewell) seems like a horrible thing to do. I'd love to see her once more for 2 more days, and I KNOW she would love to see me too.. one more time.

Are the 2 last days spent together worth another farewell?
I can sympathize. When I'd have to part from my fiancee (back then she was my girlfriend) for summer breaks, or even short visits to other places, it was very difficult for both of us. We were even faced with the prospect of not seeing each other for the next four years, but luckily skirted around it (although it's still a possibility in the future).

First, you shouldn't feel guilty about inviting her to your town. Sure, partings are sad things, but life is short, and you both appreciate each other's presence. Doesn't it make sense to want to spend as much time together as possible?

Second, the prospect of being away for a year for the next 3-4 years may seem like an unbeatable sentence, but it doesn't have to be so. Part of being in a relationship means making sacrifices for the other person. It means that if one person goes somewhere because there's an opportunity there for them, the other will do their best to follow; alternately, one may pass up on an opportunity if the other would be harmed by its acceptance. You never know - she may come across an opportunity to join you in the other country, or you may decide to transfer back to the country that she's in. But just being friends, I don't suppose either of you would be willing to do that for each other (nor would it be expected).

Well, I'll leave it at that. I've rambled on, anyway - your original question was about whether or not you should feel guilty over inviting her for those two days. I said it above, but again, the answer to that is that you most certainly have no reason to feel guilty. Enjoy your time together as best you can.
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Old 2009-07-29, 20:38   Link #1233
Envy
Band Nerd ♥
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Tornado Alley
Age: 35
This is not a happy story, so if you don't want to see me being depressing don't read it. XD

I had a wonderful relationship from last September to the beginning of this January.

However, it ended, completely unexpected to me with "It's not you, it's me." Sounds like I should have got over it by now, right?

Well I haven't. Mostly because they also strongly hinted towards the possibility of wanting to get back together with me one day.

I see them regularly because we've been in band together, and actually play the same instrument, so we sit by each other. (or at least that's what it was like last semester.)

The combination of all of this has made it hard for me to get over them. I'm convinced that I fell in love, and due to the fact that they gave me hope for the future I just can't let go. They're an amazing person, and I can't see myself finding another one like them. D: (And I do mean that. I can't see there being another person like them. Ever.)
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Old 2009-07-30, 02:44   Link #1234
luckysmile
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Envy II View Post
This is not a happy story, so if you don't want to see me being depressing don't read it. XD

I had a wonderful relationship from last September to the beginning of this January.

However, it ended, completely unexpected to me with "It's not you, it's me." Sounds like I should have got over it by now, right?

Well I haven't. Mostly because they also strongly hinted towards the possibility of wanting to get back together with me one day.

I see them regularly because we've been in band together, and actually play the same instrument, so we sit by each other. (or at least that's what it was like last semester.)

The combination of all of this has made it hard for me to get over them. I'm convinced that I fell in love, and due to the fact that they gave me hope for the future I just can't let go. They're an amazing person, and I can't see myself finding another one like them. D: (And I do mean that. I can't see there being another person like them. Ever.)
You know they are have "affairs" but you jumped into the triangle relationship?
You must hurt a lot. Just be yourself. And you r young. Many great guys are ahead. Gook luck!
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Old 2009-07-31, 04:54   Link #1235
Samari
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Age: 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by Envy II View Post
This is not a happy story, so if you don't want to see me being depressing don't read it. XD

I had a wonderful relationship from last September to the beginning of this January.

However, it ended, completely unexpected to me with "It's not you, it's me." Sounds like I should have got over it by now, right?

Well I haven't. Mostly because they also strongly hinted towards the possibility of wanting to get back together with me one day.

I see them regularly because we've been in band together, and actually play the same instrument, so we sit by each other. (or at least that's what it was like last semester.)

The combination of all of this has made it hard for me to get over them. I'm convinced that I fell in love, and due to the fact that they gave me hope for the future I just can't let go. They're an amazing person, and I can't see myself finding another one like them. D: (And I do mean that. I can't see there being another person like them. Ever.)
Are you talking about one person or multiple people here?
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Old 2009-07-31, 06:20   Link #1236
roriconfan
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Dating huh? Talk about unexplored regions for me. I was never a smooth talker and my looks were never much. Plus, liking anime and videogames in my area is similar to being a retard.

Anyway, I am way past my teens now and don't care about dating anymore. A good talk with any young girl, full of smiles and laughs and opening one's mind to another feels more and more better than sex. Damn, I'm getting old and my libido goes down. As for my "special" tastes, those have nothing to do with my "real" life.
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Old 2009-07-31, 06:22   Link #1237
FateAnomaly
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Join Date: Sep 2007
It will be funny if it is mutiple people and they both used the same lines, in the same band and both sit beside the author.
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Old 2009-07-31, 12:16   Link #1238
Envy
Band Nerd ♥
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Tornado Alley
Age: 35
I'm just talking about one person. Sorry for the confusion!

I wouldn't date two people!
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Old 2009-08-01, 01:42   Link #1239
Jinto
Asuki-tan Kairin ↓
 
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Fürth (GER)
Age: 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by Envy II View Post
I'm just talking about one person. Sorry for the confusion!

I wouldn't date two people!
Still playing in the same band is of'course not really helping to let go. I don't know but its like some people can feel if you cannot let go. And that makes you even less attractive to them. Its like an aura that radiates that you are feeling miserably and happy at the same time (well, something like this at least).

Besides, that you cannot find a person like xy again may be true. But what makes you think that this is neccessarily bad? (your feelings for this person ...)
Sometimes it helps to let go, to find another way to be together with the same person again (people change a little bit over time... you too) though I've rarely seen a reunion in the aftermath of a short lived relationship. However, not letting someone go has never helped as far as I know, you dead lock yourself here.

Generally speaking... I know that the unfortunate situation that you cannot be together with that person makes you want to be together with that person all the more, is making the dilemma worse. There is no patented solution for such a situation. Time might be your only aide in this - possibly your feelings will become more neutral over time.

Don't listen to me.. and your heart neither (your heart is biased and I am entitled to my oppinion and know next to nothing of your relationship with that person). But listen to the cold facts that ended your relationship (possibly hard to analyze them).
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Old 2009-08-01, 16:49   Link #1240
Ledgem
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Northeast USA
Age: 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by Envy II View Post
However, it ended, completely unexpected to me with "It's not you, it's me." Sounds like I should have got over it by now, right?

Well I haven't. Mostly because they also strongly hinted towards the possibility of wanting to get back together with me one day.
What were those hints?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Envy II View Post
The combination of all of this has made it hard for me to get over them. I'm convinced that I fell in love, and due to the fact that they gave me hope for the future I just can't let go. They're an amazing person, and I can't see myself finding another one like them. D: (And I do mean that. I can't see there being another person like them. Ever.)
A family member of mine was caught up in a similar situation. She was in a totally trashy situation that I'm ashamed for her sake over, but it was what it was. Regardless, she was finally dumped, but the trashbag guy who dumped her apparently said that he'd wanted her, and said he'd contact her in the future.

On the whole, women are quite devoted, it seems. For about two years my family member shrugged off interests from other guys - better guys, in my opinion... guys who seemingly knew how to treat a woman, at the very least. Finally, the trashbag called, out of the blue, and it was as if nothing had happened. Ultimately, he ended up dumping her again, but still gave her that rubbish about contacting her in the future. You have no idea how terribly pissed off guys like that make me, to play with a woman's feelings like that.

I don't know your gender, and I'm not even going to guess at it - men can be just as devoted as the most devoted of women (and some women can be just as fickle as the most good-for-nothing man). Either way, protect yourself from the situation that I just described above. I'm not going to tell you that a perfectly good relationship can't come out of the situation you described (although if it were me, my trust in the other person might be somewhat shaken unless we had a good, long discussion about it).

However, don't tell yourself that you can't picture yourself in a relationship that was just as good if not better than the relationship with that other person. You probably can't find an exact copy of them, it's true, but why would you? There are a lot of people in the world, and you're going to change (even slightly) with time, too. Your compatibilities will shift. There could be much better out there for you, but you won't know it. (You're probably telling yourself that I'm wrong, that I don't know you or this other person, so I can't see how perfect it was... if so, you're still fooling yourself.)

Either way, put yourself first in this situation. In any relationship you need to sacrifice at least a bit of yourself for the other person, but it has to work both ways. The other person has withdrawn, so as of now, protect your own interests first.
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