I Would Die to Have Your First Time

[SirCopert]

Alternative names: Shinu Hodo Kimi no Shojo ga;
死ぬほど君の処女が欲しい

Spoiler for Plot:

Nishimori Tooru (31), an unattractive office worker, is married to the most beautiful woman in the company, Mika-san. From an outsider's point of view, they would be envious of him. However, he has a secret he cannot tell anyone about. The only female he knows is Mika, but Mika has known lots of other men. Because he loves her, he is bothered by this fact. "It's not possible, and it will never come true..." After falling off the train tracks, a miracle occurred. This is a twisted but a youthful and pure love story about he who longs for his wife's virginity.

[dark44]

Didnt get it from plot you mentioned did his wife cheat with many guys ? or she used to have many lovers and he wanted to go back in time to be her frist?

looks to me like cuck MC

[wuhugm]

^Wife slept around in the past

MC got isekai-ed, and back in the past

When they are still highschoolers and the wife was still a virgin

She's already hanging out with this fuckboy tho

Dunno whether MC will succeed or it's a repeat of Ore ga Doutei wo Sutetara Shinu Ken ni Tsuite that stupid manga

[tsunade666]

I had read the 7 translated chapters in 1 go and its a nice and funny story. The MC should start changing himself too. Change for the better if he really wants her. Funny face though. Mik is cute during her high school days.

[BWTraveller]

Just stumbled on this myself. I've only read a few chapters so far. To make the description just a little clearer, the main character is a fat loser type who'd never been able to even be friends with girls much less actually date anyone, until he met a woman at work, fell in love and got married. His wife's friend told him about how she was pretty wild in high school and college and had lots of boyfriends back then. He finds himself very insecure, partly because when they make love it feels like she's just happily giving him pleasure but he doesn't feel like he's able to please her. He frequently even apologizes that he's not better at it, though she insists the year they'd been married has been the happiest year of her life. Despite how devoted she is to him, he simply can't shake these feelings of inferiority and thoughts of the men that'd seen sides of her that he's never been able to see; at this time he stumbles in front of a truck and finds himself back in the past, where he meets her right before some jerk was going to take her someplace and pressure her into giving him her virginity (he even boasts about it while telling the guy to buzz off). He manages to help her there, but there's a lot of problems to come.

The comment section is remarkably polarized. It seems like a lot of people, especially people who hate the series but also some who like it, see it as a guy going back in time to "get some mint condition *****", which from as far as I've read seems a very crude and inaccurate description of what he wants. To be more accurate, he wants to be her first, to find a way to make her love him then and thus become her first and only. If he just wanted to have her first he could be pushy like the bastard he saved her from, but instead he wants her to love him and want him the way he loves and wants her. True, he does want her virginity so bad he could die, but he also wants her to want to be his first the same way. Really, if you take a chance and don't automatically push this down to the most base definition, this could be a very interesting story. I'm not entirely sure whether I'll continue for now though; there's a lot of twists and turns and I honestly prefer to wait until I know there'll be a happy ending before I dive too deep into "romance" stories with this much uncertainty.

I've only read the first three chapters and skimmed the most recent, so I'm not entirely sure how the later parts go. Seems currently some stalker is going after the girl, and the hero's knowledge based on multiple jumps back and forth between the past and the future has led to a lot of suspicion from Mika and her friend. He himself suspects it might be someone with the same ability, since the stalker gave her a bag with a note saying "I want your virginity so much I could die". He thinks he has a way to catch the stalker, but Mika's friend takes her away; however, Mika comes back and decides to give him a chance, because she doesn't want to go on not knowing if it really was him or not.

[BWTraveller]

I've finally read all of it, and I'll admit it's a hard read, but the hero does grow bit by bit. Each trip forward and backward, leading ultimately to a big change in the most recent trip as he finally realizes that his feelings toward her, as they are, cannot bring her happiness.

Spoiler for recent content:

Mika had finally asked Nishimori out on a date, and was panicking over what to wear when her mother brought her a bag that was left on the door and addressed to her. The next day Nishimori happily went to their meeting spot only to find everyone waiting for him, suspecting him of stalking Mika. It turns out the bag had contained a bunch of candy wrappers from candies Nishimori had brought for Mika while they hung out, a bunch of pictures of her eating the candies there, and a letter saying "I'm glad you liked the sweets. I would die to have your first time". This in itself led them to suspect him, but the fact that Nishimori very frequently seems to know where to go and what to do also raised their suspicions. He tries to explain about the hooded man, but ends up only raising everyone's suspicions further, until finally everyone leaves and ignores his claims to have a "plan" to lure the stalker out. Mika comes back though, asking what the plan is and saying she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life not knowing if she should've believed in him. He suggests they walk alone in a park, pretending to be a happy couple, to make the stalker jealous enough to take action. As they go he sees how scared she is as she tries to pretend, thinks back to all the sad futures he'd seen for her, and unconsciously apologizes. Hearing this in an isolated location, Mika becomes terrified, thinks he means to attack her and runs away. Nishimori trips and sends Miyama, who was waiting nearby, after her, only to see a hooded guy run past. He chases him and almost catches him only to be hit by a truck and sent forward.

In this future, Nishimori is a bum with no memories of his past. After a meeting with an old bum who lived in the park for decades and remembers everyone he sees, he meets Miyama, who takes him to the park and tells him how that night Mika had been raped, but never saw the attacker's face and accused him. Miyama had taken him here every day and told him the same thing for more than a decade, even after Akiho, now his wife, split up with him. Eventually Nishimori regains his memories and together and tells Miyama what little her remembers about the stalker: that he was at the joint summer camp for their high schools' tennis teams and has a scar on one arm. They go to a set of reunions for their schools hoping to catch him. The first one is for East High but to his shock Mika, who's from South High, is there. He finds out that she married Mizusawa Eiji, ace of the East High tennis team. Initially he's furiously jealous, but he's shocked by how beautiful and happy she seems, he thinks even more happy than when she was with him. Seeing how happy she is he finally realizes that a man like him, obsessed with being her first and only and desperately jealous and possessive, isn't a suitable partner and couldn't give her a happy future. He then decides to give up, but after revealing his presence sees the stalker and pushes him out a window onto a truck driven by Miyama. They interrogate the stalker, Noda, and it eventually comes out that there were two stalkers (this was suggested before as there was the sound of Mika being shocked by a stun gun at the same time Nishimori was chasing Noda), and really Noda was just following orders out of fear of the other culprit who actually raped her. Nishimori seeks out the bum from before and gains confirmation from him that there was another hooded man that night, right as the true culprit arrives and beats Nishimori to death.

In the past, Nishimori finds himself at the moment when Mika asked what he planned to do, and this time he just suggests they go to the park and she scream in terror; sure enough Noda comes out of hiding, Mika and Miyama spot him and Nishimori tackles him, injuring his neck in the process. Afterward, Nishimori decides to change his plans; convinced that someone with so much jealousy and possessive feelings wouldn't be able to make her happy, he instead decides to work to ensure that she eventually marries Mizusawa Eiji. At the same time, every day Nishimori goes to talk to Noda at the hospital in hopes of learning the real culprit's name. Eventually he tells Noda he has a hunch he's not the real culprit, that the real culprit is someone much more dangerous who'd forced him to do these things, and claims he could help him. Hearing this Noda asks to meet him outside the hospital, intending to take him to a place where he can provide proof of the culprit's identity. On the way he admits that he was afraid to say anything in the hospital, which is run by Mizusawa Shigeru, a relative of the true Culprit, Mizusawa Eiji. Nishimori's shocked and dismayed that that future where Mika seemed so happy was one where she'd been deceived into marrying her rapist, but he realizes that it fits. In the previous future Noda told him that he'd collected bags from Mika's home and had a look as if he'd figured something out, which fit perfectly. The chapter thus ends with Nishimori declaring his commitment to bring Mizusawa down.

[BWTraveller]

The developments keep coming, but it looks like now Nishimori is finally realizing something that he's apparently taught the others: that he isn't alone. In various paths people have told Nishimori that he helped them to realize that they shouldn't and don't have to handle their problems alone, but he's always continued to see himself as a solo player trying to make a desirable future occur.

Spoiler:

Noda told Nishimori his past story. At the beginning of first year, Noda was crushed by the weight of the new environment. In junior high he'd been an admired member of the tennis club, but in the new year people didn't even bother to remember his name. Then on the first group get-together between schools Mika expressed admiration for his skills, encouraged him and made sure to remember him, finally making him feel some joy and worth, only to go to another first-year who'd consistently belittled him and show the exact same smile. He got mad and decided to try and make her know how she'd hurt him by pulling an Onanii Master Kurosawa on her. Mizusawa caught him in the act and took some pictures, then brought him to the shed where it turned out he'd collected trash from lots of girls to "get to know them" better. At first he tried to make a competition out of it, both of them would collect trash and the winner after a year would have full exclusive rights to her, but when he realized Noda really just wanted to get the pictures back and get away, he instead blackmailed him into watching Mika and making sure no one defiled her while Eiji was forced to go to America for six months' training. On Christmas Eve he saw Mika with Yuuji (the beginning of the story) and decided to give up and make an excuse, only for Nishimori to show up, making it impossible for Noda to act while giving him some hope that he could change the awful path things were taking.

After a while, following him dodging various attempts to deal with him and angry at him grabbing Mika and declaring his intent to protect her, Mizusawa decided that Nishimori needed to be "erased", but Noda finally grew a backbone and refused to cooperate. Knowing how cunning and crazy Mizusawa was, and hoping it would lead him to make a mistake and expose himself, Noda decided to make the bag with the letter to alert them of the danger they were in. On the night of the last jump, Noda went to the shed in the park to try and stop Mizusawa, only for him to attack him from behind, knocking him out with a stun gun and disappearing into the woods. He woke up hearing Mika screaming and ran out to try and stop whatever was happening, only to be caught in the trap.

At this point they discover the shed on fire. As Nishimori tries to stop Noda from jumping in to save the evidence, the homeless man from before jumps out and hits Noda over the head, then starts talking to Nishimori about how he should've told him if he was coming back as he almost hit him by accident. Apparently, Mizusawa gave him a beer and told him to set the shed on fire and then beat anyone who came by. Once he realizes that it was Nishimori, not Mizusawa (Nishimori was wearing a hoodie), he ran away just in time for the cops to show up. Nishimori was arrested and interrogated all night before being released in the morning; he told them about the homeless man and Mizusawa, but they didn't appear to believe him. As he heads home he recalls Noda screaming that without the shed it'll be like Mizusawa never did anything, and he realizes that this is entirely true. In this timeline, Mizusawa never assaulted Mika, never did anything that would show how dangerous he is, and now doesn't even have a collection to show his tendencies. At this point the only way to prove he's a danger is to wait for him to make a move, which is terrifyingly risky. As he makes it home he mourns the fact that as always, as hard as he tries to build things up, just like with Jenga the moment he relaxes it all crumbles and he's left with nothing.

He walks to his front porch feeling that, thanks to his obsession with the past and that stupid wish for Mika's virginity he doesn't have anything left, only to find everyone gathered at his doorstep, each one of them having come of their own accord without arranging anything out of concern for him. Mika then tells him off for going on his own to talk with Noda and try to figure things out without bothering them, insisting that everyone will help and he's not alone anymore. At last, as he thanks everyone, he feels for the first time in a long while like he really can find a way to make Mika happy.

[BWTraveller]

For starters, I somehow didn't notice that there was no mention of where this's being published. It's coming out on Magazine pocket. All chapters are available in Japanese at this site. New chapters every Wednesday morning (at least, morning in America). First few chapters and recent chapters (excluding the current week's) are free. Old chapters cost 40 points, new ones 60 (points can be obtained through quick purchase or monthly subscription).

This week, Tooru kind of demonstrated that he still has some growing to do. It looked like he was starting to realize the value of relying on his now-sizable circle of friends, but he's kind of demonstrated that he still doesn't entirely trust them, or at least doesn't trust them to truly trust him.

Spoiler:

Everyone sits down to talk about the situation. Turns out that while Tooru was being questioned about the fire, they went to try and talk to Noda. Unfortunately Noda was barely able to wake up for moments, and then he didn't respond, just muttered about how all the evidence went up in smoke, so they all pieced together just why Noda took him to that shed as well as the fact that the culprit had anticipated this and set the fire. On top of that, they realize that now they're in a precarious situation as there is no longer any evidence of the culprit having done anything. As such, Mika declares that she's going to be a decoy. Naturally Tooru is adamantly opposed to this, but Mika is just as adamant about her intent to fight alongside him and no longer let him stand alone (according to Akiho she'd been breathing heavy and acting angry from the moment she heard about the incident). However, though he's happy that everyone is determined to help him, when Mika asks him if Noda said anything about the culprit's identity, Tooru claimed he said nothing, thinking to himself that against Mizusawa's acting no one would believe his words without proof. In order to come up with a precise plan to catch the culprit, the group convinces the teacher from their juku to take them on a "studying" trip to a cottage they figure is distant enough to be safe. Near the cottage is a beautiful tower called the "wishing tower" that's known as a great date spot. Koike notices that Mika is wearing a pendant, which she says she'd received some time ago but had been uncertain about wearing lately. As she says that she gets a feeling something good might happen if she wears it today, Mizusawa watches them drive in from the tower.

[BWTraveller]

Spoiler:

Everyone arrives at the cottage, and after showing them around the teacher leaves as he's staying somewhere nearby while everyone gathers to "study". Mika asks for everyone's opinion on her plan to act as bait. Madoka immediately says she's opposed to it. Mika had always saved and protected her growing up, and she wants to protect her now; she can't stand the idea of putting her in such danger. Miyama and Akiho both feel that they should just continue to take turns guarding her until Noda wakes up and tells them what he knows. Yoshida too says that they should avoid acting hasty or letting their emotions take over (Mika blows up at this, demonstrating as Akiho tells her that this is exactly what she's doing). Finally they ask Nishimori, who they feels some real respect for as he's overcome a lot of tough situations and helped several of them to fix their problems. Instead of giving his answer, he suggests they go make curry, to everyone's frustration. While they're making curry he has a quiet conversation with Miyama, admitting that he too is in agreement with Miyama and Akiho about waiting for Noda to wake up, but he didn't try to convince her earlier because he got the feeling she wouldn't even bother to listen. On top of that, given the situation he thought it'd help ease tension to have a nice get-together in a distant location where the culprit couldn't find them.

Later, Nishimori and Mika are gazing at the stars on the veranda. Mika has finally started to calm down. She tells him how worried and upset she was, wondering if the cops suspected him or what she'd do if he was actually arrested. They start talking about the stars, and Mika mentions that her father loves to stargaze as a hobby, so much that he wanted to move just to be in a place where they'd be easier to see. She never really got it before, but seeing them so clearly got her interested. She wonders that, if she maybe did a bit more studying, she might be able to teach someone else about them, then suddenly gets the feeling that she'd talked about this with him before. He confirms it's the first time talking about this, while images of his original timeline where Mika loved to stargaze and show him things in the night sky flash through his head. Suddenly Mika asks him if he wants to go to the Wishing Tower for an even better view.

Miyama notices that Nishimori and Mika aren't on the veranda anymore. Yoshida suggests they went off somewhere together, and Madoka just assumes they decided to have a date. Looking around Miyama realizes that Akiho isn't around either. He goes looking for her, steps outside, and suddenly a hand shoots out and grabs him by the face, silencing him.

I kind of get the feeling this is going to be the last arc; I rather hope it will, as it seems like a great way to end things with one final climactic confrontation against a monster who's been scheming since well before the story started.

[BWTraveller]

Spoiler for chapter 36:

While Miyama is being attacked right outside the cottage, Nishimori and Mika get to the Tower of Wishes. There, Mika takes interest in a gimmick that was built in, sort of an over-the-top "fortune telling" to force extra appeal as a "date spot": at the very top of the tower is an observatory. A pair goes to two entrances and climb up to the top, then press a button to open the roof and walk along a catwalk to the center during the ten seconds it takes for the roof to fully open. The catwalk has several marks moving toward the center, and the location the two end on when the ten seconds finish gives their "compatibility", from minor acquaintance to best friend and perfect partner. Once they meet, each can make a wish. He climbs up and walks along the catwalk, only to find himself facing Mizusawa. Mizusawa stops him from attacking with a stun gun while laughing that they ended on the "best friend" mark.

Mizusawa apparently caught Mika at the base and told her there was a fire at the cottage. Turns out that the teacher Sakaki who chaperoned them is Mizusawa's uncle, and like Noda Mizusawa also has dirt on him to make him do whatever he wants and tell him everything he knows. Sakaki is the one subduing the others at the cottage. Mizusawa goes on for a while about how the two aren't that different, how Nishimori too wants to know everything, every last part of Mika, "would die for her first time", and that his actions are understandable given how special Mika is to him (the comparisons he chooses to make are quite colorful and sick). He brags that everyone else is easy to deceive and control, no one thinks for a moment that he might be the culprit, but he could never predict or control what Nishimori would do next; this is why he felt he had no choice but to eliminate him.

As this goes on, Nishimori starts to smell smoke. Mizusawa says he had no choice but to set the cottage on fire in order to preserve Mika's trust in him. While he's not sure how Sakaki disposed of the others he's sure he came up with something. While Nishimori rages at him for doing such a thing and acting so indifferent to all of it, Mizusawa furiously retorts that he couldn't care less about anyone besides Mika. To him, all the rest are filthy and tainted. He declares that now, due to the plan she herself came up with Mika will lose all her friends. Then, she'll surrender herself to his kind words and swear to stay with him, giving herself body and soul to him. Finally, as Nishimori declares that he'll never let this happen, Mizusawa comments that he'd forgot to make his wish and kicks him off the catwalk, whispering "farewell, 'best friend'".

The previous jump helped to make it clear to Nishimori that he needed to change his way of thinking and turn from a jealous desire to have all of her and prevent anyone else from getting too close to focus instead on finding a way to make her happy, regardless of who she's with. Nishimori was driven to confront the fact that some aspects of his feelings toward Mika are very similar to the culprit's. The last few chapters however seem to have done a lot to demonstrate how he's different. The desire, on its simplest level, is similar. However, Nishimori is determined to see her happy, and is unwilling to hurt her or deceive her in order to achieve his goals, wanting her to be happy and to act of her own will, and values anyone and everyone around them. The culprit on the other hand only cares about getting her, and has absolutely no problem using violence, manipulation, deceit, anything to force her into his arms, and if others have to die for his goal to be achieved this means no more to him than having to flush a toilet.

Looks like we're going to have another jump forward next week; interesting to see how the next future will be. One thing I'm hoping is that things aren't too close to the culprit's goals. Sometimes it seems like Mika is portrayed as a rather weak person. Her friends talk about her having fought hard to protect them in the past, but the futures we've seen don't really portray a very strong character. She gets raped and forced to be her rapist's girlfriend, she tries to harm herself in a mental breakdown when she suspects her friend and husband were having an affair, she manages to get tricked into blaming Nishimori on a sexual assault and marrying the man who really assaulted her. In the futures where we see her, she tends to have been somewhat reactive; in some big ways her future was dictated by others. Since backstory suggests real strength, I'd really like it if we get a little more indication of this in her future, or that we eventually go down a path where she becomes a little more proactive in seizing the future for herself. Now it does make sense that she would be less than the strongest of people after everything that's happened to her. Most futures either involve her going through serious traumatic assaults or being stalked for years without ever being able to catch or stop the stalker. Severe trauma and constant failure to escape a bad situation will wear down anyone's capacity to fight. I just think I'd like to see a little more fight in her at some point.

[dark44]

It is waste of time he should have left her and find a nice girl i dont get this bullshit about all i care is to make her happy even if she ended up with another guy

i agree he cant force his feelings on others but also he need to find his own happines

[BWTraveller]

Originally Posted by dark44

It is waste of time he should have left her and find a nice girl i dont get this bullshit about all i care is to make her happy even if she ended up with another guy

i agree he cant force his feelings on others but also he need to find his own happines

He fell in love with her, what can you expect? It's not so easy to fall out of love, especially if you fall deeply enough in love that you can commit to share your entire life with her. He's been realizing that his beloved's past was filled with painful memories (thus her dodging whenever he asked about it in the original timeline). It's only natural he'd want to change this.

[BWTraveller]

This time seems to have played things a little different; it looked like we were going to go into another jump, only for it to skip forward a ways.

Instead of just going into another jump, we see the final result of what is implied to be a huge number of jumps and years of effort, eventually culminating in a decision to deliberately break the fundamental rules, and then get a look through part of those efforts, with more to come next week.

Spoiler for ch 37:

The chapter starts right where the last ended. Mizusawa is standing on the catwalk, laughing triumphantly at having finally won, only for Mika to call out from the door to the catwalk and demand an explanation. At first he stumbles over his words trying to figure out why she isn't running to the burning cottage, only to notice her open cell phone in her hand, and then spot Nishimori's phone sitting on the catwalk. Realizing that Mika knows everything, he finally breaks down and starts ranting about how she and Nishimori kept interfering with his plans, how if she'd just done nothing and gone with the flow she'd have fallen straight into his hands and given her pure heart and body to him. Finally he decides that even if his marriage plan won't work he'll at least take her virginity, and lunges at her only for Nishimori to grab him from behind and wrench his arm around to push the stun gun into his own back. Nishimori then explains that there was a mat at the base of the tower, invisible in the darkness, set to catch him, and that the burning smell is actually a bonfire, as Sakaki is no longer on Mizusawa's side.
Shocked at all the impossible preparations Mizusawa finally ask just who he is, saying he's not the Nishimori he "knows".

Finally we see part of what was skipped. Immediately after meeting with everyone when he got home from the police station, there'd been an image of a disheveled room while Nishimori worried that people wouldn't believe him. It turns out that at that time he'd jumped from his balcony in order to deliberately throw himself forward and gather information, only to completely paralyze himself. When he woke up he'd been comatose for years and Mizusawa had apparently come to visit him every day, telling him all sorts of stuff about marrying Mika, his past stalking girls at the juku, how he took over the juku and is now stalking a girl who caught his interest there, but never tells him anything that would be useful as evidence. Years and years pass as Nishimori is completely helpless to do anything but slowly waste away, crushed by the despair of not even being able to die and end it all, only to finally find himself back on his balcony. When they make it to the cottage he thinks they're safe and relaxes a bit, only to be pushed off the catwalk, and as he loses feeling in his arms and legs realizes that he won't be able to go back to before the trip, meaning he'll be stuck in this place where Mizusawa has all the cards. Even so he tries, over and over and over, to find a way to stop his plan, only for it always to end with him getting knocked off the catwalk and Mika running to try and save her friends just as Mizusawa planned. Finally, after possibly years of this, he accepts that from his current "save point" there's simply no scenario that would lead to Mizusawa's defeat.
As such he decides to crush the scenario itself, abandoning the path of losing consciousness as a kid to become an adult and dying as an adult to become a kid.
He climbs to the roof and takes a flying leap to see just what will happen if he dies as a kid instead.

Looking back on recent chapters, I was kind of surprised by some hints laid down about the reveal from this chapter.

Spoiler:

For starters, right after the meeting after Nishimori was released from questioning, we see a strangely disheveled bedroom and a flung-open window which is not mentioned again afterward (until it's shown that this is where he tried to get information by jumping and knocking himself out). More to the point, Nishimori occasionally says things at the cottage, such as immediately telling his friends where the cutting board is stored, that go by so quick it's easy to miss but clearly indicate that he'd been here at least once before and looped back around.

[BWTraveller]

Well, looks like this arc's over but we're definitely not done yet.

Spoiler:

When Nishimori jumped off the roof of the tower he got thrown all the way back to his first meeting with Mika in the alley. At first he considered just ignoring the situation to put things back toward the original path, but realized that then he wouldn't be able to save Koike, and so many other situations that'd hurt her would end up happening. Overwhelmed by all the regrets, he decided that the only way to reach a happy future for her would be to get back to that night when Mizusawa finally revealed the truth and set things up to catch him there. He thus practices and desperately recalls everything that'd happened and plays it back once more until he reached the tower. However, he changed one thing: he sought out the teacher and confronted him with the fact that he'd been covering for his relative Mizusawa's stalking of fellow students, and that Mizusawa had used the past coverups as leverage to force him to continue helping him, and ultimately offered to help the teacher if he helped stop Mizusawa. Finally Mizusawa admits defeat, and Nishimori laughs in relief, only for Mika to speak up and confront him about what he'd just said about having gotten the teacher's help around the start of the new year. She's naturally shocked that he apparently knew the culprit's identity back before the incident with Noda, before the park, before the bag and so much more, and hurt that he went through all that and the planning for the trip without ever telling her a word. He stumbles over it for a while but ultimately admits that he had indeed been deceiving her, because he didn't think anyone would believe him or that he could catch him without doing this. While she insists she would have believed him, he responds that he can't buy that at all, because Mizusawa was her first love. He tells her that his first love means everything to him, to the point that even if Mizusawa hadn't been a stalker, even if he'd been stabbed, or found happiness with someone else, or found himself drowning in despair, straight to his last moments remembering her would fill him with love and joy. Given this he apologizes that he couldn't bring himself to tell her. She responds that she'd really trusted him, but now she feels like she doesn't know him, and can't understand what he's been doing. Mizusawa chimes in his agreement that Nishimori is messed up as the chapter ends.

At this point, the threat is over, but more than ever before it's become clear Mika that Nishimori's been keeping secrets from her. Here's hoping that he just comes clean, and that she does her best to convince him that she can and should participate in the pursuit of her own happiness.

[BWTraveller]

Spoiler for chapter 39:

Now we're to the aftermath of the incident. Tooru meets Noda after he's released from the hospital and finds out from him what happened to Mizusawa. Turns out he had a mental breakdown after that and is now confined to the hospital (where a lot of his relatives work). He's doing "well", but there's no risk of him going after Mika again. The Mizusawa family is a large clan with connections to a lot of industries, so they couldn't have him causing any more scandal; as such wherever he goes he's surrounded by relatives there specifically to watch him. He may not be in jail or anything, but he's no longer a threat.

After what happened Sakaki Juku has shut down and without a direct official connection to her Tooru hasn't seen Mika for half a year. In that time he's settled into a mundane, boring lifestyle at school, the biggest thing in his life being helping out the cowardly student council president, who sought to depend on him after hearing he'd helped capture a criminal. Every day is dull and humdrum, but he says to himself that this's a good fit for him. Of course, Miyama and the others don't just sit by. They drag Tooru to the rooftop to have it out with him. Naturally they were furious to find out that Tooru had known everything and kept quiet for such a long time, but they're even angrier that he's never even talked to them since, and hasn't talked to Mika either; it's a complete 180 from the brave hero who always threw himself forward to protect others. They beg him to call her and make up with her, at least go back to being friends. However, it's specifically because he loves her that he can't take action anymore. Even if the future set before them is now dull and humdrum, he's terrified that if he gets involved with Mika again he'll end up wrecking her future again. However, even as he's telling himself over and over that he won't do anything and won't change anything about this future, at the start of his third year Mika transfers to his school and joins his class.

It was sort of a given that Mika would break things off with Tooru at least for a bit after what happened; after going on about the starts and her necklace that represents a star that supposedly stands for "trusting love", she feels like she never should have trusted him. Either way though, it's nice at the end to see that this time around, Mika is the one that's taking action to change things. The one thing Tooru still needs to learn in my opinion is that ultimately, it's Mika's life and it's up to her to decide her future and her happiness. Perhaps from here out she'll be a more direct agent in the future she experiences.

Honestly, this series has led me to notice one of the major downsides to loop stories like these: having one singular person retain memories and take different actions to bring about different results kind of steals agency from other characters. It can start to feel like the other characters are passive parts in the story, their actions all reactionary to the hero's rather than having agency themselves. With that in mind, I'd say switching to the hero refusing to act or do anything but accept what's forced on him while the other characters take more action to bring about results is a very big improvement.

[tsunade666]

thanks for the summaries given.

[BWTraveller]

New arc. I really hope this doesn't have too many leaps. He's already learned a lot, he should be able to pick up on things a little quicker now... Honestly, this guy has improved in a lot of ways, but he still has a horrible habit of trying to decide Mika's future for her.

Spoiler for ch. 40:

Right as Nishimori jumps up in shock so does the SCP (name Arikawa Taro) shouting Mika's name. Turns out the two are childhood friends. Mika sits in front of Taro, diagonally in front of Nishimori, and quite deliberately ignores him. Nishimori ends up seriously conflicted as he'd sworn to not involve himself with her anymore but seeing her so close to Taro is driving him insane, as are such questions as what their relationship is (she calls him "Taro-chan"), and whether she'd forgiven him. Finally he corners him in the bathroom and gets him to spill that stuff about being childhood friends. He also mentions that she'd mentioned Nishimori, though he was so caught up in other things they were talking about that he didn't really catch it. Nishimori freaks out and nearly chokes him while demanding that he either remember or ask her about him again, insisting that he can't ask her himself or accompany him guiding Mika around the school. Ultimately, Taro gives the guide job to Miyama and goes to talk with Nishimori. Turns out she was one of his few friends in preschool, and a total tomboy.
When he was about to go to grade school his parents broke it to him that they'd be going their separate ways. Crushed, he asked her to marry him when they grew up, to which she happily agreed. It was just a verbal promise between kids for whom this amounted to something like "going from friends to best friends", and he's not entirely sure how he felt or feels, but he found himself remembering his feelings from that day when she showed up. Hearing this, and associating it with the fantasy he had at the very start of the series about childhood friends marrying someday, he decides to try changing the future one more time and tells Taro that that childish promise can indeed come true.

Every time he goes back and forth Nishimori learns a bit more and grows just a bit. Even so, even though he's gotten over a lot of stupid delusions and hang ups, he still clearly has more to learn. He finally realized that focusing on ensuring that she never dated anyone else and trying to be her first and only was bad, but he still doesn't realize the most fundamental thing: that trying to control her future in the first place is never going to be good for her. Whether by trying to make her fall for him out of a belief that only he can make her happy or trying to cut ties or set her up with someone else out of a belief that she can't be happy with him, it's not his choice. I can't help but imagine that eventually she's going to confront him herself, and tell him that her future is not his to decide. Who she loves, what makes her happy, it's up to her and her alone. Maybe if he comes to understand that he'll be able to approach her properly.

[BWTraveller]

Spoiler for chapter 41:

So, Nishimori's become gradually more and more certain that he's completely wrong for Mika, thus again stating his determination to have her live out the "ideal" romance he imagined at the start, childhood friends reunited in high school, falling in love and eventually marrying. That said, after Mizusawa he can't entirely trust someone on face value, so he decides to throw himself down a flight of stairs to see how Taro is then and whether he can be trusted to remain devoted to her. Fortunately Taro was looking for him and jerks him back, and as Nishimori tries to deny his intent tells him that he could've ended up in real bad shape from this height; fortunately this convinces him not to try and knock himself out again since he doesn't want to become a vegetable again, waiting years for death to finally come.

Taro needs his help because the SC is short on various items, ranging from minor things like ink to big stuff like desks. Taro's a klutz and no one's willing to lend him furniture anymore, so they have to go buy it. Taking the opportunity and using the difficulty of carrying so much as a pair, he suggests bringing Mika along. He asks Mika personally, though pained by how cold and distant she is now. He finally apologizes, having not had a chance before, but insists that he felt it was for the best and the only way to protect her and everyone else, even if it hurt them. He won't ask her to be friends with him again, but hopes she'll trust him just a bit. He then immediately breaks his word about going with them and sends a text saying something came up and they should just go together and leave the furniture to him, while secretly following them. He watches closely, relieved that they seem to be doing well and happy that it seems like this will become a foothold to a bright future for her, while Mika sits looking at Nishimori's text and muttering "you liar".

Sorry if anyone doesn't like me posting these summaries. At first I just did it to make it a little clearer what the story was about since the initial description seemed to invite misunderstanding, then continued out of habit and because I rather like it; I find it a pity more people don't talk about it. Either way, since he keeps going on about that ideal romance, again I really think it'd be cool if that's how it ends: both die and find themselves as little kids, and get a chance to live that ideal out together.

[Greenish Growth]

I really appreciate your summaries. This is not a manga I would actually read because I avoid stories that are on the depressing and frustrating side. The only stories I read that start to go in that direction are the backstabbing/supposed betraying/misunderstood childhood friend stories. The childhood friend aspect just magnifies the emotions of the plot for the positive or negative because the characters have known each other longer.

But I'm really curious how the story will go. The author seems to be really good at mentally anguishing him. For some reason I've been greatly enjoying certain kinds of mentally anguishing romantic relationship stories the past nine months and I'm not completely sure exactly why. I think it has something to do with getting the adrenalin flowing like watching horror movies.

[Sekiryuu12]

^^ I really appreciate your summaries. This is not a manga I would actually read because I avoid stories that are on the depressing and frustrating side². This kind of story isn't for me but I'm interested in the summaries, so thank you.