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Old 2016-08-21, 07:10   Link #1
DarkClaymore
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Join Date: Aug 2016
God Vessel Online [Slice of Life/LitRPG/VR/Fantasy]

art by FluffyFlower.
A honor student and a cheeky gamer join hands to beat a virtual curse that transcends into real life.

Read on: RoyalRoadLegends/Wattpad/TheNovelPage/FictionPress


Info:
Genre: Slice of Life, Comedy, Virtual Reality, Sci-fi, Fantasy, Adventure, Kittens.
Style: Light Novel-esque
Warning: Strong Language
Status: Ongoing
Author: DarkClaymore
Homepage: https://darkclaymore.wordpress.com/2...vessel-online/


Synopsis:
Erika is a tall, elegant honor student and a closet gamer who is secretly obsessed with cute little critters. Mina is a short, brash girl who flaunts herself as a gamer and pays no heed to others.

Normally, the two would have nothing to do with each other. But, when a virtual “Grim Reaper’s curse” afflicts Mina in the real world – everything goes to hell.

The two girls form an unlikely pair as they dive into the harsh virtual reality of God Vessel Online. There, the insane characters and notorious flowers are just the beginning of their fun virtual experience that will gradually bleed into their real lives.



Links:
I have no plans for hosting the webnovel on my website at the moment, so you can read it on one of these websites:





FAQ:
Spoiler for :
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Last edited by DarkClaymore; 2016-08-22 at 13:50.
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Old 2016-08-21, 07:21   Link #2
Ruki0089
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Usual questions please ~~

*Edit:
Ah... nope never mind
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Old 2016-08-21, 07:48   Link #3
DarkClaymore
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruki0089 View Post
Usual questions please ~~
What are the usual questions? May as well learn for future reference (maybe some will be relevant here too)
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Old 2016-08-21, 12:45   Link #4
SereneSolace
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The usual questions. Mostly applicable when the MC is male, but here we go.
Quote:
1. OP?
Probably not.
2. Harem?
No... well, there will probably be a harem of fluffy cats later down the road.
3. Snusnu?
No.
Only 3 chapters with 2 female MC's, so the usual questions are pretty much irrelevant lol. The gamer, Mina is maybe OP but there aren't enough chapters to tell yet. Looks like an interesting start.
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Old 2016-08-22, 13:52   Link #5
DarkClaymore
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Well, I hope I sufficiently adressed all the common questions.

Chapter 4 is out

My updates will gradually slow down from now on. I aim to release one chapter every 4 days at the worst, but for now I'll probably be faster than that.
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Old 2016-08-24, 04:01   Link #6
DarkClaymore
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Chapter 5 released

Links: RoyalRoadLegends/Wattpad/TheNovelPage
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Old 2016-08-26, 03:32   Link #7
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Chapter 6 released

Links: RoyalRoadLegends/Wattpad/TheNovelPage
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Old 2016-08-26, 06:57   Link #8
jseah
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Oh, you wrote Tsundere Android? All right, I'll give it shot based on that. =D
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Old 2016-08-26, 13:50   Link #9
DarkClaymore
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jseah View Post
Oh, you wrote Tsundere Android? All right, I'll give it shot based on that. =D
I see my reputation precedes me.





Thanks for giving it a chance, I hope you'll like it
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Old 2016-08-27, 06:29   Link #10
DarkClaymore
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Chapter 7 released

Links: RoyalRoadLegends/Wattpad/TheNovelPage
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Old 2016-08-29, 03:06   Link #11
DarkClaymore
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Chapter 8 released

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Old 2016-08-29, 07:45   Link #12
jseah
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Chapter 8
> Erika grieves in pain and collapsed on the floor.

Present tense in a past tense chapter. Dunno why but this one really jumped out at me.


The first 7 chapters felt too long for introductions. Still waiting for the story to start... well, it's not so much the length but the mini arc about the MMO contest. Narratively long?

Generally though, the story isn't as well written as Tsundere Android (TA). Here's a more in depth analysis for Ch8, with comparisons to TA:
Spoiler:

Don't take this wrong, a close analysis like this might seem like I'm saying the entire story is written badly but this is not true. Generally, I pick the worst examples because they make the problem easier to spot. The rest of the text is better, of course.

I sometimes do this sort of analysis as a way to help improve my own writing. It helps me to be aware of stylistic concerns. An area that I admit I also need work in.


More general comments:
It seems like you want to write this story in present tense?

Certain points like the SAO reference jump out of the perspective. It stops being Erika and her thoughts and starts being about Erika and her thoughts. To put it another way, that section was in the POV of the narrator instead of the POV of Erika. That's despite showing us Erika's train of thought.
See chapter 7's portion around Sophy being cute. It doesn't jump out of POV there.

Descriptions and other effects (GROWL in particular) are overexaggerated? Maybe? It might be a tone you are intending, but it makes the story feel much less serious. If you were intending it to be lighthearted comedy then sure, that works I guess. But previous chapters didn't give me that impression. Or they just had a less comedic tone. Not sure.
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Old 2016-08-29, 16:58   Link #13
DarkClaymore
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@jseah: Thanks for taking your time to point all of this out. It's rare to receive a well-deserved dose of criticism through RRL.

I admit that I'm far from my comfort zone in this story, as my preference is present tense and 1st person POV. But, I learned that there are various benefits to 3rd person POV and to past tense, which I believe fit this story more. If I don't start getting used to them now, then I'll never know how to use them properly. Which is why I try my best to work with them, despite my obvious inexperience.



Quote:
Here's a more in depth analysis for Ch8, with comparisons to TA:
Spoiler:



Quote:
Certain points like the SAO reference jump out of the perspective.
Spoiler:



Quote:
It might be a tone you are intending, but it makes the story feel much less serious.
Spoiler:



Quote:
The first 7 chapters felt too long for introductions.
Spoiler:
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Old 2016-08-29, 18:02   Link #14
jseah
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkClaymore View Post
@jseah: Thanks for taking your time to point all of this out. It's rare to receive a well-deserved dose of criticism through RRL.

I admit that I'm far from my comfort zone in this story, as my preference is present tense and 1st person POV. But, I learned that there are various benefits to 3rd person POV and to past tense, which I believe fit this story more. If I don't start getting used to them now, then I'll never know how to use them properly. Which is why I try my best to work with them, despite my obvious inexperience.
No problem, practice makes perfect after all!

Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkClaymore View Post
I tried to improve the examples you gave, but I doubt I'll manage to overcome this issue overnight. Hopefully, with enough writing, I'll kill this problem.
The section reads much better now!

Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkClaymore View Post
Hmm... could please you give me a specific sentence that stuck out to you? I vaguely understand what you mean, but I just can't seem to attach that to any part in the chapter.
It's not so much a specific sentence as more like a vague feeling like you say.

If I had to pinpoint it:
Quote:
She naturally responded to an otaku reference without noticing.
Quote:
Erika almost triggered a death flag just now.
Are like someone outside the story pointing in. The second sentence has more of this effect.

But the surrounding sentences also help create the 'jumping out' effect. Just by themselves, these two don't do it.

mmmm It's hard to say.

Quote:
I actually thought I was doing a proper job of establishing a comical tone in the story from the get-go. Granted, Erika doesn't have as many comical events in her life, but I tried to paint many of the events in a humorous way.

I suspect you mean that the scene with Mina feels more "cartoony', which is intended. She's just bizarre and brings things up to eleven.
Yeah, cartoony is the right word. It's like we have gone from SAO in it's more comedic moments to... Zero no Tsukaima?

Basically, they're both light hearted, but they're not the same kind of light-hearted.

Quote:
I constantly criticize my own long introductions, the same happened with my previous story as well. I just... can't fix this bad habit. I tried to spice things up with an action-y first chapter, but seems like that wasn't good enough either... *sigh*.
Actually, I think the action in the MMO might have made things worse (for me at least). The whole chapter where Erika plays an MMO seems pointless since we all know she's going to end up playing GVO anyway.

It's less pointless if the other guy is going to play GVO with her but we also know that Mina and Erika are the MCs, so the reader (read: me) cares less about what happens to this other guy.

Mina's action parts are fine. She's one of the MCs, and she introduces GVO, so that's fine.
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Old 2016-08-30, 13:24   Link #15
DarkClaymore
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Quote:
It's not so much a specific sentence as more like a vague feeling like you say.
Spoiler:



Quote:
Actually, I think the action in the MMO might have made things worse (for me at least). The whole chapter where Erika plays an MMO seems pointless since we all know she's going to end up playing GVO anyway.
Spoiler:
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Old 2016-08-31, 07:10   Link #16
DarkClaymore
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Chapter 9 released

Links: RoyalRoadLegends/Wattpad/TheNovelPage
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Old 2016-09-02, 09:38   Link #17
DarkClaymore
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Chapter 10 released

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Old 2016-09-04, 08:34   Link #18
DarkClaymore
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Chapter 11 released

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Old 2016-09-07, 08:10   Link #19
DarkClaymore
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Chapter 12 released

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Old 2016-09-09, 09:39   Link #20
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Chapter 13 released

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