AnimeSuki Forums

Runty · 2011-04-09, 12:11

I say at the very least, don't wait on the Alexis oneshot. Put that up to tide us by while we wait for the rest.

Runty · 2011-04-10, 01:32

Any more to see on the Alexis story?

Snowman24 · 2011-04-10, 04:33

Lol! Just because you asked, Runty! Here's preview #2!!

Alexis one-hit, preview #2!!

Spoiler for preview #2:

Once again, a very rough draft, it will more than likely change over time. Though the main elements of this story will remain; Alexis going over, Avan and Zeri seeing her go and knowing that she couldn't have survived, Inghilds prediction coming true. Alexis, death, by means of water... sad stuff :*(

Runty · 2011-04-10, 11:15

Spoiler for Impressions:

But of course Alexis survives, right? Wouldn't be much of a story if it ended like that.

I like how you described the battle. Very well done. It was certainly cool (if bittersweet) to read how Mischlitt gets dominated by the V3. And you certainly made a creative way for Alexis to "die" (I know you won't kill her, you.

)

One thing that I've noticed, however, in your writing, is you tend to overemphasize and repeat details, dragging out sentences unnecessarily, especially in terms of character speech. For example, Avan's little mourning at the end could easily be shortened to "Alexis... she's gone..." and "Inghild was right... she was right all along..." instead of what you wrote. Has the same impact, the spoken words are more realistic (would Avan really point out the obvious in a situation like that?), but it isn't so heavily redundant. You seem to make this mistake a lot, and I have to say that it isn't a good practice. Overall, just avoid repeating the obvious so much, and I think your writing would be so much better.

As another suggestion, I think that you should make it so that Alexis doesn't say anything to Avan about not being able to swim until she's in the river. You could do this: just have the line “Don’t worry Avan, despite what Inghild said, I don’t plan on going swimming anytime soon." followed up by the two of them laughing at the joke. For one, Alexis doesn't reveal why her father raised her as a boy until the end of her character mission; try to avoid having that pop up in this, as I'm assuming it takes place before that mission, but after Avan's "misstep". Also, I don't think Alexis would reveal that weakness to Avan in such a discussion out of either embarrassment or pride. However, once she's in the river, Avan could, say, yell at her to swim to shore, but then Alexis reveals she can't swim. It'd play out a lot better, IMO.

Lastly, maybe one thing you could alter is giving the V3 a personality. Maybe just a few choice words (he doesn't need to say much), but something to give off a monstrous persona, IMO. But again, that's up to you.

Otherwise, I hope to see the end result soon.

Snowman24 · 2011-04-10, 21:43

Yeah, I noticed that to when I finally gave everything a re-read. I'll fix that and yeah, I was wondering about revealing her inability to swim, but still have Avan screaming for her to try to swim, even though he knows that she can't.

Alright, I'll make the changes soon enough. Prob be another day or so before the stories finished.

Runty · 2011-04-13, 19:53

Any progress?

Runty · 2011-04-15, 17:58

More delays, Snowman?

Snowman24 · 2011-04-15, 18:45

I realized it was my 2 year anniversary of starting "Adventures in War" and was writing a special beach fun chapter.

I'll get back on the others, I'm opening too many cans of worms :P

Snowman24 · 2011-04-17, 18:46

Alright, Runty, your request is finished. I just posted it up at the fanfiction site and it should be up within the next hour. It was alot harder to write than I had originally thought. Hope it came out alright :P

Spoiler for Runty's request:

Problem is I racked my brain so much writing this that I'm at a loss as to an appropriate sounding title... Can you think of one that sounds right to put with this story. Something that fits Alexis and her situation :P

Runty · 2011-04-17, 23:38

Finished reading it, Snowman. Good job, although you didn't quite take all of my "redundancy" suggestions to heart. Oh well, the end result is still good stuff.

Spoiler for Story:

I really enjoyed this one, and I'm hoping to read your Magari fic soon too.

Also, if you need another idea, here's one: starring Lotte, dood! Oh, and it also stars Randy and Melissa, so try to have their stories completed first.

(Note, however, that you'd probably need this to be a two-or-three parter; it'd be much longer than a one-shot)

Spoiler for Lotte:

Sounds like a good one? If you want, you could use another character as the bad guy, i.e. some random OC.

I hope to read another of your stories soon, Snowman.

EDIT: Oh, you want a title? How about "The Lost Knight" or something like that?

Snowman24 · 2011-04-18, 00:10

^That was fast :P Yeah, I took care of most of the redundancies. Lol, you shoulda seen it before all the editing took place. I see a change in my writing as the hours push on, it's good at the start, then slowly loses quality as it goes on, hard on the ol brain :P

That's a good title, slight change to "Our lost knight." Because Alexis seemed to be well like by alot of people

and when they think they lose her, they lose THEIR noble knight

Runty · 2011-04-18, 02:13

Quote:

Originally Posted by Snowman24

^That was fast :P Yeah, I took care of most of the redundancies. Lol, you shoulda seen it before all the editing took place. I see a change in my writing as the hours push on, it's good at the start, then slowly loses quality as it goes on, hard on the ol brain :P

That's a good title, slight change to "Our lost knight." Because Alexis seemed to be well like by alot of people

and when they think they lose her, they lose THEIR noble knight

I like that title. Certainly works.

I'll be trying to think up a few other good story ideas, but in the meantime, I'm hoping you'll be able to finish your Magari story soon.

I think in the meantime I'll try to think up an Anisette story for you.

Snowman24 · 2011-04-18, 19:15

Lol, on that note:

If anyone else here, new or senior member has a one-shot story they'd like me to write, I'm up for a new challenge

It can be wacky, serious, romantic, horror, whatever and can involve any character or pairs of characters or whatever from the VC and VC2 universe.

All I need is, characters names, situation, and whether its VC1 or 2 era.

In the meantime, I'll continue my other stories and one-shots

MrTerrorist · 2011-04-20, 12:04

I have one but it's kinda long so here goes.

Spoiler for my fic idea:

It's a Welkin x Selvaria fic that i had in my mind. In this story, after being rescued by Maximilian, the prince has Selvaria adopted by a childless noble family in the Empire to avoid suspicions by his family and enemies while she is being trained to use her Valkyur powers. The man who is ordered by Maximilian to adopt her is an EW1 veteran named Colonel Edward Bles, a honorably military man who is respected by both his allies and enemies. While his adoption of Selvaria is nothing more than a cover up for her Valkyur training, Edward and his wife Evelyn decides to be involve with Selvaria's personal life since they believe while being a dutiful soldier is important, learning to be a lady and having a life is important as well. As a result, Selvaria grows close with her adoptive parents.

Then one night while visiting a ball together with her father, Selvaria meets Welkin and their first meeting was awkward becoz Welkin asked why her hair is silver, oblivious to notice that Selvaria is uncomfortable to answer as he looks at her like she was some rare species. Luckily, Edward arrives with another man, General Belgen Gunther, Welkin's father as Edward and Belgen were friends after EW1 where both men respected each other for their duty to their country and caring about their men. After learning what Welkin did to make Selvaria uncomfortable, Belgen scolds his son for his obliviousness and orders him to dance with Selvaria as an apology. Welkin at first has trouble dancing with Selvaria but after some tips from her, both of them mange to do a beautiful dance. After the dance, Welkins apologizes on their awkward meeting and tells her about his hobby with plants and animals which surprise Selvaria that a son of General has that kind of hobby. Their fathers notice an attraction between their children so Edward has Selvaria visit the Gunther estate at Bruhl during the summer under the guise of gathering information for the Empire.

At Bruhl, Selvaria meets Welkin's adoptive sister Isara and Martha, their caretaker where they take an immediate liking with Selvaria. As both Selvaria and Welkin get to know each other more, Selvaria start having these weird feeling for Welkin but is unsure what it is and Welkin suddenly notices how beautiful she is. However during a walk near a river, Selvaria accidentally falls into the river and can't swim which prompts Welkin to get into the river and rescue her. After dragging her to safety, Welkin brings Selvaria into an abandoned cabin to dry themselves as it's already getting dark. As they dried their clothes, Selvaria realize she's in love with Welkin and confess her feelings to him. Welkin is unsure what to say but when she kisses him, he responds to her kiss and they proceed to......"you know what"

. However their "sessions" together would not be the last as they continue it back at the Welkin estate when nobody is listening, more intense than ever.

It wasn't long before Martha figures it out and catches them doing it in Welkin's bed. Instead of being angry, Martha is happy to know that Welkin has become a man! Isara, on the other hand is annoyed as she can hear them doing it while she was sleeping and to make sure they won't do it again and get some nice sleep, Isara sleeps between the two of them in their bed.

There still more so i post it in another post.

Runty · 2011-04-20, 14:13

Spoiler for Ehh...:

Owlette · 2011-04-20, 15:35

I hope you don't mind me to critique your story for the improvement.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrTerrorist

I have one but it's kinda long so here goes.

Spoiler for my fic idea:

It's a Welkin x Selvaria fic that i had in my mind. In this story, after being rescued by Maximilian, the prince has Selvaria adopted by a childless noble family in the Empire to avoid suspicions by his family and enemies (who are they? Are they from Empire? In a case if they are, then they're not his enemies because Max is an Imperial.). while she is being trained to use her Valkyur powers. The man who is ordered by Maximilian to adopt her is an EW1 veteran named Colonel Edward Bles, a honorably military man who is respected by both his allies and enemies. While his adoption of Selvaria is nothing more than a cover up for her Valkyur training, Edward and his wife Evelyn decides to be involve with Selvaria's personal life since they believe while being a dutiful soldier is important, learning to be a lady and having a life is important as well. As a result, Selvaria grows close with her adoptive parents.

Then one night while visiting a ball (At where?) together with her father, Selvaria meets Welkin and their first meeting was awkward becoz Welkin asked why her hair is silver, oblivious to notice that Selvaria is uncomfortable to answer as he looks at her like she was some rare species. Luckily, Edward arrives with another man, General Belgen Gunther, Welkin's father as Edward and Belgen were friends after EW1 where both men respected each other for their duty to their country and caring about their men (Okay. I'm a bit confused. I thought Edward is an Imperial? I remember you said Max has her adopted by a family so that means the family is from Empire. So Gallia and Empire don't really get along, due to invasions for years. If you want Imperial and Gallian characters to be friends, then you might want to explain how did they met in EW1. Did they get along or not? So on.). After learning what Welkin did to make Selvaria uncomfortable, Belgen scolds his son for his obliviousness and orders him to dance with Selvaria as an apology. (Hmm... Interesting. But i personally think that's just unusual.) Welkin at first has trouble dancing with Selvaria but after some tips from her, both of them mange to do a beautiful dance. After the dance, Welkins apologizes on their awkward meeting and tells her about his hobby with plants and animals which surprise Selvaria that a son of General has that kind of hobby. Their fathers notice an attraction between their children so Edward has Selvaria visit the Gunther estate at Bruhl during the summer under the guise of gathering information for the Empire.

At Bruhl, Selvaria meets Welkin's adoptive sister Isara and Martha, their caretaker where they take an immediate liking with Selvaria. As both Selvaria and Welkin get to know each other more, Selvaria start having these weird feeling for Welkin but is unsure what it is and Welkin suddenly notices how beautiful she is. However during a walk near a river, Selvaria accidentally falls into the river and can't swim which prompts Welkin to get into the river and rescue her. After dragging her to safety, Welkin brings Selvaria into an abandoned cabin to dry themselves as it's already getting dark. As they dried their clothes, Selvaria realize she's in love with Welkin and confess her feelings to him. Welkin is unsure what to say but when she kisses him, he responds to her kiss and they proceed to......"you know what"

. However their "sessions" together would not be the last as they continue it back at the Welkin estate when nobody is listening, more intense than ever.

It wasn't long before Martha figures it out and catches them doing it in Welkin's bed. Instead of being angry, Martha is happy to know that Welkin has become a man! Isara, on the other hand is annoyed as she can hear them doing it while she was sleeping and to make sure they won't do it again and get some nice sleep, Isara sleeps between the two of them in their bed.

(That's kinda of quick and awkward. I'm sorry... but you can fix it by give your story more time and improve.)

There still more so i post it in another post.

Spoiler for Reply. Hmm... Not so bad.:

Here's my explain for my one chapter from the story.

Spoiler for One chapter, Hidden Stories:

Spoiler for Reply:

Runty · 2011-04-20, 21:10

Quote:

Originally Posted by Owlette

I hope you don't mind me to critique your story for the improvement.

Spoiler for Reply. Hmm... Not so bad.:

Here's my explain for my one chapter from the story.

Spoiler for One chapter, Hidden Stories:

Spoiler for Reply:

You wrote the Cosette one I recommended? I haven't seen it. Got a link?

Owlette · 2011-04-21, 00:13

Oh, I don't upload it yet. I put it on hiatus for now. I just need to work on my weakness but I still have my new draft. If you want to read what I just started, then sure. I can show you some if you want to.

Runty · 2011-04-21, 00:58

Quote:

Originally Posted by Owlette

Oh, I don't upload it yet. I put it on hiatus for now. I just need to work on my weakness but I still have my new draft. If you want to read what I just started, then sure. I can show you some if you want to.

That'd be nice.

Runty · 2011-04-23, 02:36

How comes the Magari fic, Snowman?

2011-04-10, 04:33	Link #723
Snowman24 Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Canada	Lol! Just because you asked, Runty! Here's preview #2!! Alexis one-hit, preview #2!! Spoiler for preview #2: Meanwhile, Avan crossed the road and walked next to Alexis, though she didn’t look over at him as she carried her heavy sword behind her. “Hey, Alexis, Guess I was wrong about today. It’s not much further until the bottom of the mountain and the danger has almost passed.” Alexis nodded, “So are you only relieved because you didn’t have to come to the rescue of a damsel in distress?” Avan shook his head, “No, I--” “Don’t worry Avan, despite what Inghild said, I don’t plan on going swimming anytime soon. Truth be told, I can’t swim, even if I wanted to.” “Oh, no?” Alexis shook her head and blushed slightly, “My father always wanted a son to carry on his name, so when he had a girl, he basically raised me as a boy. So imagine my predicament when I wanted to go to the local pool… should I wear a T-shirt and shorts or a one-piece swimsuit? Because of that, I didn’t really go to the pool as a kid or much as a teenager… So I never really learned to swim. I don't swim... so unless I drown in less than a foot of water, I don’t think Inghilds prophecy will come to pass.” Avan and Alexis then shared a momentarily laugh together. Moments later, Melissa came running towards the convoy. Spotting her, Avan ran to the front of the convoy and shouted, “What is it? what happened?!” “Rebels! We’re about to be attacked!” Melissa shouted back as she ran. “Rebels!” A Darcsen woman screamed, causing others to scream in terror, little children to begin to cry and the elderly to hold them close, trying to comfort them. Avan rushed up to the head of the column and shouted, “Scouts! Shock troopers and Lancers, to the head of the column! Engineers, Medics, Fencers and Armoured Techs, lead the Darcsen citizens to the lower ground! Get them away from the area! We’ll hold them off!” Just before Alexis moved to help the others, Avan rushed up to her and placed his hand on her shoulder and said, “Alexis! Be careful! Don’t do anything rash out there today.” Alexis broke his grip and shouted, “Avan! Don’t worry about me! I can take care of myself!” The students of Class G then moved out to fulfill Avan’s orders. The scouts, shock troopers and lancers moved to the front of the convoy and took up positions among the rocks and trees up ahead. The others began to unload the elderly and children from the trucks. The teenagers and middle aged ones helped to carry the kids and elderly down the slopes to lower ground. As Avan and the others crouched low and aimed their rifles, machine guns and lances over the tops of the rocks and around the trees that they were hiding behind. Out of nowhere, something very large and fast leapt over their heads. “What in the--” Avan cried as he tracked the object with his eyes as it passed overhead. It then came crashing down just passed them and stood tall and still. It was a mechanical object, blue and glowing. It had to be an artificial valkyria, but what artificial valkyria could perform such an acrobatic front flip, passed an entire front line defence of cadets? The artificial valkyria then began to run, at breakneck speed towards the retreating Darcsens and their Class G escorts. Avan turned to the others and shouted, "Watch for imcoming Rebels!!" He then began to run after the new artificial valkyria. As he ran, Zeri looked over and shouted, "Avan! Where are you going?! Hey, Avan!!" He then began to chase after Avan. Up ahead, Alexis, Mischlitt, Cosette and Magari happened to look back as they were leading the Darcsens to safety and saw something bright and blue coming towards them at incredible speed in a blur of motion. Mischlitt and Cosette broke off from the rest of the retreating units, “Keep going! Get them to safety!” Mischlitt ordered. Mischlitt and Cosette then moved to block the incoming enemy. While Alexis and Magari continued to retreat with the Darcsen children they were escorting. As it got closer, Cosette began to fire her pistol at the incoming enemy, while Mischlitt swung her large war hammer at it. The bullets missed or bounced off the enemys armour. It then only stopped long enough to raise its large mechanical arms up in an 'X' formation and catch the hammer between its two arms and stopped the attack dead cold. Despite all the power Mischlitt put behind her swing, it was ineffective, “That’s impossibl--” Next, she saw the glowing blue enemy draw its mechanical arm back and take a swing at her. She only had enough time to raise her large shield up in an attempt to block the attack. But the hit she took was so hard that her shield shot back and smacked her in the face and forehead. Her shield arm broke like a twig as the shield buckled. Her small body was then thrown back, ten to fifteen feet from the point of impact. Her body slammed into Cosette, who actually tried to catch her just before Mischlitts' body crashed into her. The two then hit the ground hard and stopped moving. Alexis heard all the commotion behind them, then looked at Magari and the four small Darcsen children she had with her, “Get going! Don’t stop for anything! Not even me!” “Ok! I’ll lead them out of here!” Magari responded. She then called out to the children and lead them in the opposite direction from where Alexis was charging towards this new artificial valkyria. Alexis then saw the enemy coming towards her, raised her shield and dug her heels into the ground. She gripped her sword and got ready, “Come on… come on!” she said softly, glaring and waiting. The artificial valkyria then appeared from the nearby brush and was coming right at her. Alexis gripped her sword tight, then turned her hips, putting as much force behind her swing as she could. Her large sword cut through the air… but the artificial valkyria clapped its hands together just as the blade was about to hit and actually ‘caught’ the blade betweens its palms, stopping it dead cold once again. Alexis let go of her sword and tried to shoulder ram the artificial valkyria with her shield. But it rammed its arm straight into her shield as she charged, and then flipped her over its body in an arc and she hit the ground hard. It got ready to finish her off, but heard the Darcsen childrens' screams and cries. The ones that Magari was leading away. Leaving Alexis on the ground, it continued its pursuit of its Darcsen enemies. Alexis was stunned by the flip, but shook her head, “He’s going after Magari and the children!” She thought. Just up ahead, Magari and the children that she was escorting down the sloping hill came to skidding stop at the edge of a cliff drop, fifteen feet below was a raging river. Its width was far too wide to jump across and the water was flowing so fast that it was impossible to wade through, even if they did make it down. Before she was given time to think of what to do next, she heard something coming towards them, crashing through the bushes and tall grass. “Hide!” Magari instructed as she moved ahead to block the approaching enemy, raising her pistol and trembling as she waited for it to come to her. Meanwhile, the children dove into the tall grass and bushes. They raised their heads only high enough to watch their brave Darcsen escort girl try to defend them. Magaris eyes shifted left and right, unable to tell exactly where whatever it was that was coming towards them, was coming. Panicked, Magari simply fired from the hip, left and right in a sweeping motion. Her gun then dry clicked, empty, just as the glowing blue enemy came crashing through the trees and bushes. Magari fell back as the artificial valkyria took a back handed swing at her, missing stomach by less than an inch with its serrated blades. She began to crawl backwards as she looked up at the the enemy lumbering towards her, drawing its bladed arm back for a second strike. “Magari!” the children screamed as the enemy loomed over her. “AAAAAHHHH!!” Alexis screamed from behind them. The artificial valkyria only had enough time to partially look over its shoulder before a gray haired female slammed into it from behind with her shield, knocking it off of Magari and over the side of the cliff. The two then fell into the raging river below and disappeared beneath the waters surface. Magari rolled over onto her stomach and screamed, “ALEXIS!!” At the same time, Avan and Zeri appeared from the bushes, “Magari! What happened?” Avan asked as he looked around. “Alexis went over the side of the cliff! She went into the water, you have to save her!” “The water… OH NO!!” Avan cried as he dropped his rifle and ran along the bank, searching the white raging waters below. As he searched, he called out, “Alexis! Alexis!!” Just then, Alexis’ head appeared from the middle of the raging river. Avan could see sheer panic on her face, he knew from their previous conversation that she couldn’t swim. Her head bobbed up and down in the water, her arms wildly thrashing around as she was swept downstream. “Alexis! Alexis!!” Avan screamed as he ran along the bank. Alexis heard him partially as her head bobbed up and down from the raging waters, she outstretched a hand and screamed, “Avan! Help me!!” Desperate to save her, Avan stripped off his scout pouches and armour as he ran, then dove into the raging waters and disappeared momentarily before resurfacing. He then tried to swim towards her Meanwhile, running along the side, Zeri was calling out out to her, “Alexis! Swim for the shore! Swim hard!!” Though unable to, Alexis’ head continued to bob up and down as she was carried away by the rushing water. Each time her head reappeared over water, she screamed, “Avan! Zeri! Help! Please help me!!” Zeri ran up ahead as fast as he could, but soon came to a skidding stop just at the edge of a waterfall. Avan and Alexis only had a few moments before they came to this, then it would be too late. As Avan continued to swim towards Alexis, he happened to see a very large layer of mist and spray forming up head. His worst fear was met as he realized that this could only mean that a waterfall was nearby. He was still over fifty feet from Alexis, but he continued to paddle towards her. "Fight the current, Alexis! Swim to me! Swim hard!!" Terrified, Alexis looked over her shoulder, hearing a deafening roaring sound up ahead. She too saw a very large layer of mist and spray not too far from where she was. And for the first time, she screamed as shrilly as she could, “Avan! Please!!” Then, just as she went over, she released an extremely long and horrific scream, but that was quickly drowned out by the raging waterfall that she was just swept over. Too late to save her, Avan began to back paddle and then swim towards shore, only saying, “Oh no… Alexis…” Zeri then came back to the edge of the shore, a very long tree branch in hand, it was all he could do to help. Moments later, Avan reached the shore and took hold of the tree branch and was pulled back onto land by Zeri. "Alexis? Where's Alexis?" Zeri asked. Avan rushed past Zeri without answering and ran towards the edge of the waterfall and looked down, still not giving up on her. Zeri then returned to Avan's side, "No... she didn't... did she?" Finally, after a minute of searching, Avan or Zeri didn’t see her resurface. Avan dropped to his knees, "Alexis... she's gone... swallowed up by the waterfall..." Her body would probably never resurface, they both knew this. Zeri only lowered his head and pray, while Avan clawed at his hair and groaned and growled in pain at the lose of someone so dear to him. Then, he raised his head and with tears sparkling in his eyes, he thought, “Inghild was right again… she was right all along… Alexis died by going over a water fall. She met her death by water… just as Inghild had predicted.” Once again, a very rough draft, it will more than likely change over time. Though the main elements of this story will remain; Alexis going over, Avan and Zeri seeing her go and knowing that she couldn't have survived, Inghilds prediction coming true. Alexis, death, by means of water... sad stuff :( Last edited by Snowman24; 2011-04-10 at 04:54.*

2011-04-10, 11:15	Link #724
Runty Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2008	Spoiler for Impressions: But of course Alexis survives, right? Wouldn't be much of a story if it ended like that. I like how you described the battle. Very well done. It was certainly cool (if bittersweet) to read how Mischlitt gets dominated by the V3. And you certainly made a creative way for Alexis to "die" (I know you won't kill her, you. ) One thing that I've noticed, however, in your writing, is you tend to overemphasize and repeat details, dragging out sentences unnecessarily, especially in terms of character speech. For example, Avan's little mourning at the end could easily be shortened to "Alexis... she's gone..." and "Inghild was right... she was right all along..." instead of what you wrote. Has the same impact, the spoken words are more realistic (would Avan really point out the obvious in a situation like that?), but it isn't so heavily redundant. You seem to make this mistake a lot, and I have to say that it isn't a good practice. Overall, just avoid repeating the obvious so much, and I think your writing would be so much better. As another suggestion, I think that you should make it so that Alexis doesn't say anything to Avan about not being able to swim until she's in the river. You could do this: just have the line “Don’t worry Avan, despite what Inghild said, I don’t plan on going swimming anytime soon." followed up by the two of them laughing at the joke. For one, Alexis doesn't reveal why her father raised her as a boy until the end of her character mission; try to avoid having that pop up in this, as I'm assuming it takes place before that mission, but after Avan's "misstep". Also, I don't think Alexis would reveal that weakness to Avan in such a discussion out of either embarrassment or pride. However, once she's in the river, Avan could, say, yell at her to swim to shore, but then Alexis reveals she can't swim. It'd play out a lot better, IMO. Lastly, maybe one thing you could alter is giving the V3 a personality. Maybe just a few choice words (he doesn't need to say much), but something to give off a monstrous persona, IMO. But again, that's up to you. Otherwise, I hope to see the end result soon. Last edited by Runty; 2011-04-10 at 14:48.

2011-04-17, 18:46	Link #729
Snowman24 Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Canada	Alright, Runty, your request is finished. I just posted it up at the fanfiction site and it should be up within the next hour. It was alot harder to write than I had originally thought. Hope it came out alright :P Spoiler for Runty's request: The second stars Alexis, and would have to occur AFTER Avan discovers that Alexis is a girl, as well as after the events of Inghild's story. On one day, Inghild ends up receiving another prophecy: this one appears in the color black, the color of death. And the one who is bearing that color is none other than Alexis. Class G fears for her life, but receive deployment orders; Alexis refuses to be left behind just because of Inghild's "ramblings". While on the mission, however, Class G ends up encountering a new Artificial Valkyria armor prototype that the Rebels are testing out. This V3 armor quickly sends Class G packing, but during the battle, some of the cadets witness what appears to be Alexis perishing at the hands of the V3, which blasts her off the side of a cliff. However, Alexis survives the fall, but is badly injured. For the next while, Alexis has to evade Rebel patrols and make her way back to Lanseal alone, and all the while the V3 is hunting for her. The harrowing trial culminates with Alexis destroying the V3 (killing its pilot), and has Alexis returning alive to Lanseal. Class G is relieved to see she is alive, though it leaves Inghild confused that her prophecy was wrong. Zeri, however, points out that Alexis, prior to returning, had been registered as KIA, which officially meant she was dead. In a sense, she DID die. Inghild decides to take this with a grain of salt, in the end. Problem is I racked my brain so much writing this that I'm at a loss as to an appropriate sounding title... Can you think of one that sounds right to put with this story. Something that fits Alexis and her situation :P Last edited by Snowman24; 2011-04-17 at 21:51.

2011-04-17, 23:38	Link #730
Runty Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2008	Finished reading it, Snowman. Good job, although you didn't quite take all of my "redundancy" suggestions to heart. Oh well, the end result is still good stuff. Spoiler for Story: The fight you wrote between Alexis and the V3 pilot was pretty good, IMO. I found it kinda funny when Alexis showed her unmentionables as a means of distracting the V3; I'd have thought she'd be wearing sarashi (wrappings) instead of a bra. I really enjoyed this one, and I'm hoping to read your Magari fic soon too. Also, if you need another idea, here's one: starring Lotte, dood! Oh, and it also stars Randy and Melissa, so try to have their stories completed first. (Note, however, that you'd probably need this to be a two-or-three parter; it'd be much longer than a one-shot) Spoiler for Lotte: (You don't have to follow this exactly; this is just how I'd do it) Rumors have been flying around Lanseal that a Rebel spy has infiltrated the academy. Naturally, Lotte is all over this scoop, enlisting Melissa's help in the matter, but her investigations end up causing her a lot of trouble (cue hilarious shenanigans slideshow). After a series of mishaps and not finding any evidence, Lotte gets a little discouraged, deciding to ponder over the whole thing the next morning. Before she gets her to room, however, she spots a suspicious figure meeting someone at the academy's gatehouse. Before she can figure out who the two are, however, they're gone. Lotte decides to keep spying on that spot, though for the next few nights, nothing happens. After four attempts, Lotte is suffering from a lack of sleep, something Randy points out. Lotte explains what she's been doing, to which Randy encourages her to keep up the investigation; surely the spy will appear again. With renewed confidence, Lotte goes to the spot again, and this time sees two figures meeting. But then, as she's trying to get a closer look, she is ambushed and knocked unconscious via chloroform (or something of the like). Coming to, Lotte realizes she's been kidnapped by the Rebels, who have a bag over her head so she can't tell where she is. When she starts demanding to know who has taken her, she is met by a horrible discovery: Randy is the spy. (I picked Randy because he fits the bill, IMO, and I also plain hate his guts out, like how I hate Cezary) It all clicks in for Lotte: Randy found out that she had discovered his meeting place for passing information to the GRA, so he set a trap for her. Tearful from Randy's betrayal, Lotte asks why he's helping the Rebels. Randy's answer is that Gilbert Gassenarl has personally offered his family a substantial reward for their cooperation in the rebellion, which would include elevated noble status once the Gassenarls take power. (Political stuff like that) Randy also reveals that when he was trying to sabotage Avan, he was doing so to reduce Class G's efficiency, as the class had become startlingly more efficient ever since his arrival. To Lotte's horror, Randy reveals that he intends to have Avan and Class G walk into a trap on their next assignment, one intended to wipe the class out. As he leaves, Randy tells the other Rebels present to get rid of Lotte. The Rebels, as part of the plan to lure out Class G, set fire to the building they're in, with Lotte still inside. As the building burns around her, Lotte cries with the thought that she is about to die, unable to reveal the truth of Randy's betrayal. Then, to her surprise, she is suddenly saved by none other than Melissa. Somehow, the stealthy scout had tailed Randy and Lotte without being noticed. Melissa is able to free Lotte and the two escape before the burning building collapses on them. Lotte decides that Randy needs to be exposed, but unfortunately she and Melissa are spotted by some Rebel scouts, who chase them; unfortunately, Lotte is unarmed and Melissa only brought a pistol and a knife. Melissa has Lotte run while she stays behind to hold off the Rebels. Though Lotte thinks Melissa won't stand a chance, she knows how important it is that she reveal the truth to Avan. She runs off, leaving Melissa to face five-on-one odds (what Lotte and the reader don't see, however, is that Melissa WINS). At that moment, Class G and a second Lanseal squad arrive on the scene, expecting to find a Rebel force attacking the village. When they find nothing, Avan has the class spread out to search for survivors; little does he know that the Rebels are still around, hiding in the buildings. Moments later, Lotte appears, screaming that Randy is the traitor. As Avan looks at him in disbelief, Randy smugly sheds his cover and signals the ambush. The Rebels attack, wounding several members of Class G almost immediately (but no deaths) and killing several other Lanseal cadets from the second squad (just randoms). To Randy's surprise, however, Class G is able to hold their ground, despite the ambush; Randy had underestimated the rest of Class G when comparing them to Avan. As the Rebels suddenly are being wiped out by Class G, he furiously takes Lotte hostage and threatens to kill her unless Avan comes out. Avan complies, despite Lotte's protests. As Avan exposes himself, Randy aims his gun, prepared to kill him. Before he can shoot, though, Randy is stabbed through the back by Melissa, who claims she never liked him anyways. Randy dies in disbelief that his plan failed. Despite having a difficult time telling it, Lotte spreads the word of Randy's betrayal throughout Lanseal. Through this whole experience, Lotte is shown an important lesson: the truth can sometimes be an UGLY thing. Sounds like a good one? If you want, you could use another character as the bad guy, i.e. some random OC. I hope to read another of your stories soon, Snowman. EDIT: Oh, you want a title? How about "The Lost Knight" or something like that? Last edited by Runty; 2011-04-17 at 23:51.

2011-04-20, 12:04	Link #734
MrTerrorist Takao Tsundere Cruiser Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Classified	I have one but it's kinda long so here goes. Spoiler for my fic idea: It's a Welkin x Selvaria fic that i had in my mind. In this story, after being rescued by Maximilian, the prince has Selvaria adopted by a childless noble family in the Empire to avoid suspicions by his family and enemies while she is being trained to use her Valkyur powers. The man who is ordered by Maximilian to adopt her is an EW1 veteran named Colonel Edward Bles, a honorably military man who is respected by both his allies and enemies. While his adoption of Selvaria is nothing more than a cover up for her Valkyur training, Edward and his wife Evelyn decides to be involve with Selvaria's personal life since they believe while being a dutiful soldier is important, learning to be a lady and having a life is important as well. As a result, Selvaria grows close with her adoptive parents. Then one night while visiting a ball together with her father, Selvaria meets Welkin and their first meeting was awkward becoz Welkin asked why her hair is silver, oblivious to notice that Selvaria is uncomfortable to answer as he looks at her like she was some rare species. Luckily, Edward arrives with another man, General Belgen Gunther, Welkin's father as Edward and Belgen were friends after EW1 where both men respected each other for their duty to their country and caring about their men. After learning what Welkin did to make Selvaria uncomfortable, Belgen scolds his son for his obliviousness and orders him to dance with Selvaria as an apology. Welkin at first has trouble dancing with Selvaria but after some tips from her, both of them mange to do a beautiful dance. After the dance, Welkins apologizes on their awkward meeting and tells her about his hobby with plants and animals which surprise Selvaria that a son of General has that kind of hobby. Their fathers notice an attraction between their children so Edward has Selvaria visit the Gunther estate at Bruhl during the summer under the guise of gathering information for the Empire. At Bruhl, Selvaria meets Welkin's adoptive sister Isara and Martha, their caretaker where they take an immediate liking with Selvaria. As both Selvaria and Welkin get to know each other more, Selvaria start having these weird feeling for Welkin but is unsure what it is and Welkin suddenly notices how beautiful she is. However during a walk near a river, Selvaria accidentally falls into the river and can't swim which prompts Welkin to get into the river and rescue her. After dragging her to safety, Welkin brings Selvaria into an abandoned cabin to dry themselves as it's already getting dark. As they dried their clothes, Selvaria realize she's in love with Welkin and confess her feelings to him. Welkin is unsure what to say but when she kisses him, he responds to her kiss and they proceed to......"you know what" . However their "sessions" together would not be the last as they continue it back at the Welkin estate when nobody is listening, more intense than ever. It wasn't long before Martha figures it out and catches them doing it in Welkin's bed. Instead of being angry, Martha is happy to know that Welkin has become a man! Isara, on the other hand is annoyed as she can hear them doing it while she was sleeping and to make sure they won't do it again and get some nice sleep, Isara sleeps between the two of them in their bed. There still more so i post it in another post. __________________

2011-04-09, 12:11	Link #721
Runty Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2008	I say at the very least, don't wait on the Alexis oneshot. Put that up to tide us by while we wait for the rest.

2011-04-10, 01:32	Link #722
Runty Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2008	Any more to see on the Alexis story?

2011-04-10, 21:43	Link #725
Snowman24 Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Canada	Yeah, I noticed that to when I finally gave everything a re-read. I'll fix that and yeah, I was wondering about revealing her inability to swim, but still have Avan screaming for her to try to swim, even though he knows that she can't. Alright, I'll make the changes soon enough. Prob be another day or so before the stories finished.

2011-04-13, 19:53	Link #726
Runty Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2008	Any progress?

2011-04-15, 17:58	Link #727
Runty Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2008	More delays, Snowman?

2011-04-15, 18:45	Link #728
Snowman24 Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Canada	I realized it was my 2 year anniversary of starting "Adventures in War" and was writing a special beach fun chapter. I'll get back on the others, I'm opening too many cans of worms :P

2011-04-18, 00:10	Link #731
Snowman24 Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Canada	^That was fast :P Yeah, I took care of most of the redundancies. Lol, you shoulda seen it before all the editing took place. I see a change in my writing as the hours push on, it's good at the start, then slowly loses quality as it goes on, hard on the ol brain :P That's a good title, slight change to "Our lost knight." Because Alexis seemed to be well like by alot of people and when they think they lose her, they lose THEIR noble knight

2011-04-18, 19:15	Link #733
Snowman24 Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Canada	Lol, on that note: If anyone else here, new or senior member has a one-shot story they'd like me to write, I'm up for a new challenge It can be wacky, serious, romantic, horror, whatever and can involve any character or pairs of characters or whatever from the VC and VC2 universe. All I need is, characters names, situation, and whether its VC1 or 2 era. In the meantime, I'll continue my other stories and one-shots

2011-04-20, 14:13	Link #735
Runty Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2008	Spoiler for Ehh...: I'd personally try to avoid fanfics like that. Too awkward.

2011-04-21, 00:13	Link #738
Owlette Member Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Oregon, USA Age: 37	Oh, I don't upload it yet. I put it on hiatus for now. I just need to work on my weakness but I still have my new draft. If you want to read what I just started, then sure. I can show you some if you want to.

2011-04-23, 02:36	Link #740
Runty Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2008	How comes the Magari fic, Snowman?