AnimeSuki Forums

Hera · 2010-01-13, 10:39

Hi,
Here's my situation, hope you can give me some suggestions: A friend whom I met online is going to travel to the city I live in, and she wants to meet me. I think she's a good person, but for some reasons I don't want to meet her. How to politely refuse, without making it sound like I'm not interested in meeting her?

RWBladewing · 2010-01-13, 11:03

You could say that you're very nervous/awkward when dealing with people face-to-face and that you're worried that could negatively affect the friendship. Even if that's not actually the case I think it'd be fairly effective as it at least seems honest, places the "problem" with you rather than her, and would make it more difficult for her to push the issue since it'd risk making you feel more uncomfortable. It could get pretty awkward if she does push it though.

Depending on the length of her stay you could also just happen to be "busy" or "out of town" yourself for the duration, though I assume you've already ruled something as simple as this out before needing to ask here.

Vexx · 2010-01-13, 13:53

Bladewing pretty much summed it up. with the first sentence of his post.

However, you don't say whether you two have exchanged photos, videos, social network, or webcam chatted. That makes a difference.

Hera · 2010-01-13, 14:20

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vexx

However, you don't say whether you two have exchanged photos, videos, social network, or webcam chatted. That makes a difference.

She saw my photos. What difference would it make?

Irkalla · 2010-01-13, 14:50

I find it really rude of you that you don't want to meet her. If you have a clear conscious, I see not reason why you can't just go and meet the poor girl. Can you share the reason, so we may help you get over your anxiousness or whatever reason you may have?

Maya-chan · 2010-01-13, 14:59

If the city where you live in is big, there are some ways to avoid her. For example, if the place she'll be staying is too far from your house and in an area that's hard to reach, you tell her that it's impossible to go meet her.

Another way would be to explain to her that you have a policy of not meeting any of your online friends in real life. There are plenty of good reasons for that and it would get the message through without offending her.

DragoZERO · 2010-01-13, 15:05

Why don't you want to meet her?

And you can just say you are busy with work or something. If they can't accept that and keep pushing then all the more reason not to meet them. Just be straight and tell them you can't, you won't be lying - you can't because you don't want to. heh.

Vexx · 2010-01-13, 15:35

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hera

She saw my photos. What difference would it make?

Makes a huge difference, especially if either of you have misrepresented yourselves. We're having to make a lot of assumptions about how well ya'll have corresponded to determine what to say.

~~Tsuyoshi~~ · 2010-01-13, 17:31

Dude, just see her. What can go wrong?

But if you really don't want to see her, then you can do as Bladewing said. But tbh, I don't see a reason not to meet her. We'd need to know why you really don't want to see her iibh.

Traece · 2010-01-13, 22:27

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vexx

Makes a huge difference, especially if either of you have misrepresented yourselves. We're having to make a lot of assumptions about how well ya'll have corresponded to determine what to say.

Y'all? <_<

I suppose you could always feign being out of town. As long as she doesn't know where you live you don't pose any risk of being discovered. "Grandma is in a hospital and I have to go make sure she's alright." "Turns out she was fine. False alarm."

Aimingan12 · 2010-01-13, 22:38

Any reason as why you want to avoid her?
If you really don't want to meet her than follow Bladewing's advice. Although, I don't really see the harm of meeting someone.

cheyannew · 2010-01-13, 23:47

Quote:

Originally Posted by Traece

Y'all? <_<

I suppose you could always feign being out of town. As long as she doesn't know where you live you don't pose any risk of being discovered. "Grandma is in a hospital and I have to go make sure she's alright." "Turns out she was fine. False alarm."

Uh, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that lying?

HayashiTakara · 2010-01-14, 01:05

Lie, lie like your life depended on it.

Ascaloth · 2010-01-14, 01:24

Quote:

Originally Posted by cheyannew

Uh, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that lying?

He should tell her to that first, then proceed to make plans for these days. The best lies are the ones that are almost true.

Crontica · 2010-01-14, 03:25

If you don't want to meet her because something seems off, then by all means call it off. Nothing sucks more than ignoring your instincts.

Mystique · 2010-01-14, 05:07

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hera

Hi,
Here's my situation, hope you can give me some suggestions: A friend whom I met online is going to travel to the city I live in, and she wants to meet me. I think she's a good person, but for some reasons I don't want to meet her. How to politely refuse, without making it sound like I'm not interested in meeting her?

I'm not liking the omission here and you asking us for advice when we don't quite know what exactly the situation is here.

A "friend".
How good a friend? Just an online acquaintance?
A friend who you've spent a good few hours a week chatting to? Someone who knows quite a lot about your hobbies, daily habits, family, likes, dislikes?
A "friend" in the sense that she has a crush on you, wants to know you more but you don't feel the same and meeting (in your opinion) would make it worse?

And 'for certain reasons'?
Will any of those 'reasons' basically expose you for some lie that you've told her, should she see you in person?
Or, you totally have no confidence in yourself to meet up and are afraid?

Depending on the kind of 'friend' she is to you and whatever the reason is, there are a few ways to go about it.
If you think she is genuine and mature, tell her the damn truth but without any attitude. I'm sure you'll pepper your sentences with:

'I'm sorry to have to disappoint you, but I can't meet you this time around, even though you're coming here.'
She'll ask 'why', and you'd need to tell the truth or a 'lie' that demeans yourself,
"I'm afraid to meet you and although we've been talking for a while, I don't have the courage to meet someone from the internet just yet. I hope you can understand...'
And so on.

You say that you don't want it to sound like you're not interested in meeting her, but you aren't interested in meeting her.
Least this time around, correct?

Not saying lying is the way to go though, I think I had to reject someone as well who came to my city, I told them I don't know them well enough online to feel comfortable to meet them in person.
*shrugs*
Truth was that I didn't wanna meet them, but that reason I gave them was true, I wasn't lying.

But yeah, being polite is just being polite.
As long as you're not insulting her intelligence and she's a fairly level headed person, yeah she'll probably be disappointed, (hurt if she is truly into you), but if you're contrite, then overall things will be okay.

Nostalgia · 2010-01-14, 06:02

I've seen too many movies and think this is going to turn out badly. :| But please let us know how it goes.

Just be cool about it. You could lie; fake being sick, no one wants to leave their house when ill or go out of town for a bit. Or you know, you could just be honest with her. Honesty's the best policy. (I am lame, I know.)

SaintessHeart · 2010-01-14, 09:39

You sent her your photos?

When you want to meet someone you don't know online, always go through the social networking first before RL. Though there is no harm to expand your nuts and go meet her,I would suggest you drag a female friend/relative/kin around your age along since she is a female. Quoting someone I know, "it is a benefit because you are guarded against the worst thing : blackmail, and you might gain the best thing a guy ever dream of."

Unless you can guarantee that the people are almost the same kind as you are (I met a couple of people here in AS IRL already), never rush meetings with people online. Having your photos means that she can blackmail you anytime, so you might want to plan for the worst case scenario.

RWBladewing · 2010-01-14, 09:48

Quote:

Originally Posted by SaintessHeart

Though there is no harm to expand your nuts and go meet her,I would suggest you drag a female friend/relative/kin around your age along since she is a female. Quoting someone I know, "it is a benefit because you are guarded against the worst thing : blackmail, and you might gain the best thing a guy ever dream of."

Look at the "About Me" section of the OP's profile.

MeoTwister5 · 2010-01-14, 09:52

In the first place, if you're willing enough to lie or make up an excuse not to meet a "friend" rather than being honest about it, and desperately so, then you were never the person's "friend" to begin with.

Personally it would be best if you found out why in the world you wouldn't want to meet someone you considered a friend and posted it, so people could give more constructive advice.

2010-01-13, 10:39	Link #1
Hera Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: USA	How to politely refuse to meet someone? Hi, Here's my situation, hope you can give me some suggestions: A friend whom I met online is going to travel to the city I live in, and she wants to meet me. I think she's a good person, but for some reasons I don't want to meet her. How to politely refuse, without making it sound like I'm not interested in meeting her?

2010-01-13, 13:53	Link #3
Vexx Obey the Darkly Cute ... Author Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: On the whole, I'd rather be in Kyoto ... Age: 66	Bladewing pretty much summed it up. with the first sentence of his post. However, you don't say whether you two have exchanged photos, videos, social network, or webcam chatted. That makes a difference. __________________ "It Really IS Rocket Science", Novel series rough drafts; vol. 1 thru vol. 3 complete Volume 4 in work, Visit the thread for short stories!

2010-01-13, 14:50	Link #5
Irkalla I asked for this Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Winterfell Age: 35	I find it really rude of you that you don't want to meet her. If you have a clear conscious, I see not reason why you can't just go and meet the poor girl. Can you share the reason, so we may help you get over your anxiousness or whatever reason you may have? __________________

2010-01-13, 15:05	Link #7
DragoZERO Spoilaphobic Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: USA Age: 37	Why don't you want to meet her? And you can just say you are busy with work or something. If they can't accept that and keep pushing then all the more reason not to meet them. Just be straight and tell them you can't, you won't be lying - you can't because you don't want to. heh. __________________ • Anime List \| Manga List \| Manga Thread Template •

2010-01-13, 22:38	Link #11
Aimingan12 Chibi's Bishie Author Join Date: May 2008 Location: In Fire Age: 34	Any reason as why you want to avoid her? If you really don't want to meet her than follow Bladewing's advice. Although, I don't really see the harm of meeting someone. __________________ "All is lost."

2010-01-13, 11:03	Link #2
RWBladewing Salt Levels Critical Join Date: Oct 2007	You could say that you're very nervous/awkward when dealing with people face-to-face and that you're worried that could negatively affect the friendship. Even if that's not actually the case I think it'd be fairly effective as it at least seems honest, places the "problem" with you rather than her, and would make it more difficult for her to push the issue since it'd risk making you feel more uncomfortable. It could get pretty awkward if she does push it though. Depending on the length of her stay you could also just happen to be "busy" or "out of town" yourself for the duration, though I assume you've already ruled something as simple as this out before needing to ask here.

2010-01-13, 14:59	Link #6
Maya-chan Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Greece Age: 31	If the city where you live in is big, there are some ways to avoid her. For example, if the place she'll be staying is too far from your house and in an area that's hard to reach, you tell her that it's impossible to go meet her. Another way would be to explain to her that you have a policy of not meeting any of your online friends in real life. There are plenty of good reasons for that and it would get the message through without offending her.

2010-01-13, 17:31	Link #9
~~Tsuyoshi~~ Disabled By Request Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: The Great Justice	Dude, just see her. What can go wrong? But if you really don't want to see her, then you can do as Bladewing said. But tbh, I don't see a reason not to meet her. We'd need to know why you really don't want to see her iibh.

2010-01-14, 01:05	Link #13
HayashiTakara Chicken or Beef? Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Seattle Age: 41	Lie, lie like your life depended on it. __________________ http://htakara82.deviantart.com/

2010-01-14, 03:25	Link #15
Crontica Senior Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: My Desk	If you don't want to meet her because something seems off, then by all means call it off. Nothing sucks more than ignoring your instincts. __________________

2010-01-14, 06:02	Link #17
Nostalgia We're so far gone Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: In my head	I've seen too many movies and think this is going to turn out badly. :\| But please let us know how it goes. Just be cool about it. You could lie; fake being sick, no one wants to leave their house when ill or go out of town for a bit. Or you know, you could just be honest with her. Honesty's the best policy. (I am lame, I know.)

2010-01-14, 09:39	Link #18
SaintessHeart NYAAAAHAAANNNNN~ Join Date: Nov 2007 Age: 35	You sent her your photos? When you want to meet someone you don't know online, always go through the social networking first before RL. Though there is no harm to expand your nuts and go meet her,I would suggest you drag a female friend/relative/kin around your age along since she is a female. Quoting someone I know, "it is a benefit because you are guarded against the worst thing : blackmail, and you might gain the best thing a guy ever dream of." Unless you can guarantee that the people are almost the same kind as you are (I met a couple of people here in AS IRL already), never rush meetings with people online. Having your photos means that she can blackmail you anytime, so you might want to plan for the worst case scenario. __________________ When three puppygirls named after pastries are on top of each other, it is called Eclair a'la menthe et Biscotti aux fraises avec beaucoup de Ricotta sur le dessus. Most of all, you have to be disciplined and you have to save, even if you hate our current financial system. Because if you don't save, then you're guaranteed to end up with nothing.

2010-01-14, 09:52	Link #20
MeoTwister5 Komrades of Kitamura Kou Join Date: Jul 2004 Age: 39	In the first place, if you're willing enough to lie or make up an excuse not to meet a "friend" rather than being honest about it, and desperately so, then you were never the person's "friend" to begin with. Personally it would be best if you found out why in the world you wouldn't want to meet someone you considered a friend and posted it, so people could give more constructive advice. __________________ Medical Student vs. Anime Last Exile - Fam the Silver Wing -