Nanoha FanFiction Discussion

[krisslanza]

Originally Posted by Evangelion Xgouki

I think it's suppose to be "Give Rares"?

It should be but its a PSU thing
When people say they're leaving on the boards you have to say:
"gib rarz"

EDIT:
I claim this page in the name of being offtopic and posting too much like I shouldn't be

[Fuyu no Sora]

Originally Posted by Keroko

To add to that, aside from her job as one of Kane's most trusted operatives, she also blasts canon inconsitencies. This may not seem to be as relevant in the fanfic thread, is it takes a more liberal view on things generally, but just to be on the safe side, I'd thought I'd warn you.

Originally Posted by Keroko

Also, I'm planning to refer to Keroko-kun OC as Kerokun, to avoid confusion like this.

A most wise decision

Originally Posted by Keroko

Generally. Keroko-chan day was just one example.

I see

Originally Posted by Keroko

I know. I try my best to be faster, but it doesn't always work.

I've tried that too (Missed a few page claims in Cadia thanks to my hastiness though, so plans backfire badly sometimes )

Originally Posted by Keroko

Unless you're waging war against NOD, Kane won't see a reason too. He'll leave it up to Keroko-tan to decide what to do.

I see

But why would I wage war against T3h Messiah?

Originally Posted by Keroko

As for Keroko-tan...
Keroko-tan: *sitting curled up in a corner, an aura of gloom surounding her while she's crying* Huuu~! Fuyu-chan forgot about meee!

[Vader] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!![/Vader]

Forgive me Keroko-tan, please (seeing a mini-version of anyone (so CUTE) crying just has me melting ) I was half asleep

[Gillian]

Originally Posted by Sam the Onion

I decided to rewrite these and currently unknown number of following scenarios, so today's are a bit later than normal.

Spoiler for Scenarios 32, 33 & 34:

Lost Time

”Erio. Erio, wake up.” A male person nudged the sleeping boy.

Rising instanly when his eyes opened he caused the glassed man back away. Yuuno was still bunked with Erio as he was important person in the operation.

”Oh, good morning Yuuno-san.” Erio greeted the man already in his usual green uniform. ”I didn't hear my alarm clock. Anything special going on?” The boy asked intellectually for just woken up.

”Yes, we are going to inspect Aren-san's combat skills in a mock battle. I thought you would want to be there earlier as I think it will be amazing.” Yuuno shone with interest.

”How long till it starts?”

”An hour.” Yuuno answered almost jumping with excitement.

”Right.” Erio dropped his head back at his pillow.

”Oh... Well I'll go ahead of you.” He walked out from the room dissapointed that Erio didn't share his interest.

Walking the corridors of RF6 he noticed that there weren't many with this much interest. The sun had just risen and there were nobody in the corridor.

”Well the fighters must be awake atleast.” He walked across the corridor. Aren was bunked in a cabin just outside Erio's room.

”Aren-san, you here?” The blond asked from the door noticing a man sleeping in his bed with a smile. ”Aren-san. Wake up. You got a fight in 50minutes. Is this how Selshin prepare for combat?”

”Aaah...” The man rolled mouning. ”5 more minutes.”

”Shouldn't butlers be up before dawn?!” Yuuno reasoned.

”I have no master right now. Let me rest.” Aren hugged his bedsheet and faced the wall.

”NO! I want to see a combat of Selshin mage! Get up!” He kicked the wigling man.

”Fine!” He jumped out from his bed in his underpants.”Tell me, how exactly you prepare for combat other than stretching that takes maybe 10 minutes?” Aren asked.

”This will be first combat recorded of Selshin mage. You haven't even gotten your device yet, have you?” The blond yelled at the near naked man who hadn't even started to dress himself.

”Shari-san finished it yesterday. She worked on it with all her heart.” Aren showed an amethyst amulet in his neck. ”Ah... Maybe I could go thank her again with chicken soup.” He pondered, holding his chin.

”You'll just drug her.” Yuuno said from experience.

”I didn't drug you.” Aren denied slightly scratching his head.

”Ha! I knew it!”

”Kids!” Teana appeared at the door quickly turning her face away blushing. ”You woke up about everybody.” She declared lowering her voice, most likely because of the image.

”Weren't these rooms soundproof?” Aren asked Yuuno next to him.

”That's just the Nanoha inside you thinking...” He explained.

”Well, then.” Aren finished buttoning his shirt and ran out of the room. ”Sorry!”

”So that's why they were so noisy.” Nanoha teased Aren and Yuuno making everybody but them laugh.

”I didn't get it.” The black haired man asked from the ferret, walking from his room with pair of pants in his hand. ”Ohh...”

”Well now that everybody has woken up, lets start preparing for the mock fight.” Hayate declared. ”Aren-san, Fate-chan, Get ready.”

____________________

All of RF6 was gathered to watch the fight as well as various researchers, press and interested people. This was the first fight of Selshin recorded after all. The arena they were at was a flat field, giving none of the fighters any advantages. Fate was ready in her barrier jacket as was Aren in his, a white suit with a dark purple tie, it was like any other suit, a boring jacket in total. In Aren's feet were a pair of white reinforced boots, very similar to Subaru's Mach Calibur without the rollerblades, with a purple stone on where laces should be.

”Honor to fight you, Fate-chan.” Aren bowed at his opponent.

”Likewise.” Fate bowed back.

”Welcome to this historical fight on such a short notice. Today we have something special for you all. First we have Riot force 6'es very own Fate Harlaown who will be facing the only Selshin mage alive, Aren Genran. This fight is the first fight of Selshin mage ever recorded, so watch closely.” Nanoha announced via megaphone. ”Fate is limited at AAA while Aren has his full capabilities as they are currently unknown.”

”Go Fate!” The crowd cheered.

”Begin!”

-Protectors of nature, growth and the holy forest. Answer my call and aid me- Aren casted immediately and grew two pairs of insect wings to his back and jumped towards Fate. -Hear me fires of justice. Enculf my limbs with your wrath and aid me- He continued quickly after the first one, now lighting his fists in fire.

”Fire ignores barriers and the wings give speed... He seems to rely on a quick win and dodging instead of defensing.” Fate analyzed and decided not to intercept the man. ”Big spells have no change of hitting a man that fast and binds are no good...” She continued and casted -Photon Lancer-

Few test shots were fired to figure out more capabilities.

Aren dodged the volley easily with two nearly 90 degree turns.

”He really could stop his speed complitely... That's bad...” Fate finished, now satisfied on the info and planned to melee him constantly creating lancers to distract him.

The quick initial jab of Aren's flaming hand was dodged by Fate's duck and she swung her scythe at the man's open side.

Aren stopped in mid-air accompanied by a quiet flashlike sound effect and flew directly upwards. After twisting in air he attempted to land on Fate with his burning feet first but was again dodged.

”Mind the field!” Nanoha complained from the side while the two fighters begun close range combat, both fencing or dodging each others hits. ”And Fate...”She added after muting the announcer.

”Signum, you think he is a...” Vita asked the consentrated warrior next to her.

”Yes, a self-enchanter.” Signum interrupted as she didn't want to be bothered further from this nostalgic sight of Selshin combat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

”Miachell!” A pink haired warrior yelled at a caped brunette. ”It's cowardly to attack from sides! You've learned nothing from me, even that you were the one asking for teaching about chivalry!”

It was morning in the glorious days of anchient Selshin. The isolated and small field of grass they were on was surrounded by walls of stone, filled with markings. It was the head temple where people for the new book were trained in secret. Currently there were only two, Miachell and Linque.

”I'm sorry Signum-senpai.” Miachell blushed. She always weared an one of a kind robe on her. ”But the urges are just so strong. You smell so delicious...” The young woman was only about 14 and already master in her school.

”Control your magic! Overcome it!” Signum ordered readying herself for combat. No matter how strong Miachell was, the beast within her was stronger.

”I'm trying to! But... the urge is too big...” Miachell screamed trying to supress herself before the two woman clashed in combat once again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was now about 20 meters between the two warriors. Both exhausted about the high speed brawl that had lasted for a good 10 minutes already. Because Aren could match Fate's speed, she wasn't left with any room or time to cast her bigger spells, where Mid-Childan magic reinged supreme.

Even that the fight was about inspecting Aren's combat, he only had used three spells. A spell to grow wings, a spell to light his arms or legs in fire and blue armor that slowed projectiles. Nothing they already didn't know.

”Aren-kun. We're here to inspect your fighting. You haven't shown us anything that we don't already know. Do something flashy.” Nanoha adviced slightly bored of the brawl Fate and Aren had.

”Flashy? Alright.” Aren dispelled his enchantments and started to chant: -Yune, I ask you to accept the corruption of Renhys and grant me an armor of the corrupted forest- Dark purple strings shot out from his every limb and created a dark purple spiked armor eminating ominous aura. At his back, two moth wings grew dripping from dark green ooze. The sight of Aren turning into a humanoid like insect was disturbting and terrifying.

”Now we're talking” Nanoha rose her arm to cheer the fighters.

”The poison armor...” Fate deduced and gripped Haken formed Bardiche tighter.

”Fegas. An armor of corrupted forest.” Aren readied his wings and flew towards Fate.

”Speed dropped by half?!” Fate twitched from surprise as she watched the dark insectoid fly towards her. ”Poison is it's forte and everything else just a bonus. It's not meant for full body armor.” She deduced and waited for Aren.

She could easily dodge the poisoneous swipe and managed to slice the spiked surface of the man.

Even that Aren's face was something complitely different, the smirk of succesful trickery was still visible. His vacant fist lit in flames and shattered Fate's barrier followed by a quick slam of his moth-like wing, which covered Fate in the ominous ooze.

”Damn!” Fate spit the sludge out of her mouth, knowing what it would do.

”Too bad this armor can't do anything else.” Aren sighed and dissolved the armor.

”Hey, Aren-kun! What was that about. Over already?” Nanoha shouted frustfrated about not witnessing anything more then a slap from the cool armor.

”I got few more.” Aren consentrated himself again and chanted: -I call the handlers of winds and fire, Ortos and Tenron. Combine your might and grant me your blessing- Strings shot from his arms and legs, quickly returning and created red circular lightings moving from his hands and feet to the other end.

”I can still move...” Fate took distance and shook some of the sludge away from her hands.

”You had resistance for it!?” Aren inquired in aghast.

”Speed gone up, but he's still slower. Just as I thought. No wings equals running.” She shook her hand to test if the poison had done anything. Signum had been paralysed in mere seconds, although from five simultaneous slashes, but Fate was still fine.

She rose up in air, hoping to be unreachable there.

But something was wrong. The world around her speeded up.

Aren stopped running and leapt towards Fate in air and stopped his red lighting, making them to gather in his hands and feet.

It was as if she had watched the world in fast forward. ”The ooze has delayed mind slowing effect...? Man... He's sneaky...” She smirked and attempted to hit the man with her fading mind.

Aren easily grabbed Bardiche with his right hand and nailed a kick to Fate's head releasing the red lighting gathered in his hand's to Bardiche and from his feet via Fate's head, causing an explosive thunder.

Crowd was silent as Fate fell from sky and Aren caught her now back in his usual fairy wings. But the flashy moves had a cost. The moment Aren landed on ground, he fell unconsciously on top of Fate's twitching body.

”Get in there medics.” Nanoha ordered from her announcer's seat. Next to her was Shari recording what was happening on their devices and Rein as a commentator.

Crowd was restless of what happened. A double knockout. Fate from Aren's kick and Aren from exhaustion.

”He really overdid it.” Signum thought by herself.

”Yes, he sure did.” Vita agreed.

Tomorrow, we'll have long explanation scenario of Selshin magics. (About 20% of the full content though. *selfpalms*)

Spoiler for Just in case:

The Onion productions carry no grudge towards Fate despite that she is constantly receiving hits.

Although we are sorry for the heartache it has caused.

Edit: Fate is Fate-chan to Hayate. Missed that one

Spoiler for review:

and today we have epic
it really was a wise decision to read your fic

Spoiler for to the review itself::

you really suprised me, a double KO nothing I expected
what I thought what happen was like:
Aren fights Fate-->Aren beats Fate-->Aren gets his next opponent(Nanoha)-->Starlight Breeeaaaaaaakeeeeer
Aren seems to have some interesting attacks
also that Aren is at mornings bad too, took me on the wrong foot
truly a win for today

explanations are always fun

@Fuyu no Sora
you seem to have watched Fate Stay/Night

[Keroko]

Originally Posted by Satashi

Name: Sisterly Bonding
genre: Yuri
Rating: MA
Length: 2,475 words
Pairing: Keroko/Nanoha

Send PM for the link to story if you are interested. This story is steamy but I think a did a vastly better job than I did on Love Ties.

Lazy copy-paste of PM comments :

Er... wow, that certainly turned out a lot more... steamy then I expected. I guess it's safe to say this isn't exactly animesuki safe?

To start, Keroko was done spot, impulsive and oblivious to her actions.

I can't really comment on the quallity of the lemon. I've read lemons before, I won't deny that, but I don't really know what makes a good or bad lemon. I liked it though.

The emotional part at the end was what really struck the bond between the two. The dual support is just how I imagined it: Keroko will always aim to protect Nanoha from harm, while Nanoha will always be there for the emotionaly unstable Keroko.

Originally Posted by Fuyu no Sora

I see

But why would I wage war against T3h Messiah?

You don't. You follow him.

Originally Posted by Fuyu no Sora

[Vader] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!![/Vader]

Forgive me Keroko-tan, please (seeing a mini-version of anyone (so CUTE) crying just has me melting ) I was half asleep

I know, adorable, isn't it?

Keroko-tan: Uuuuh~ *hic* So Fuyu-chan doesn't hate me?

[Fuyu no Sora]

Originally Posted by Gillian

@Fuyu no Sora
you seem to have watched Fate Stay/Night

Who hasn't?

Originally Posted by Keroko

You don't. You follow him.

Of course I do

Originally Posted by Keroko

I know, adorable, isn't it?

Adorable and irresistible

Originally Posted by Keroko

Keroko-tan: Uuuuh~ *hic* So Fuyu-chan doesn't hate me?

Aww, of course not I love you You're so cute

Btw: Keroko-kun: Copy-pasta is always good !!!

[ghazghkull]

That lemon...WAS HOT!!! Not too raunchy, but it wasn't lacking either in terms of content.

With that said, time to do a bit of an analysis.

Overall, presentation was good, however, some of your sentences are longer than needed, and some actions could have been better described, even if you had to take some words out.

Here's an example

Spoiler for before:

"Okay," She agreed simply enough while making her way behind her sister to the room she had. After entering she closed and locked the door behind herself before going to the bed and sitting down with her back against the wall.

Spoiler for After:

"Okay," she agreed, following Keroko as she led them to her room. Closing and locking the door behind herself, Nanoha sat down on the bed and got comfortable, leaning against the back wall.

As you can tell, I took your original phrase, did some trimming, and some rewording as to make it not too wordy, and it flowed a bit more. There are others here who are probably more proficient in English than I am, but this should give you an idea. A tip is that you maybe cycle your work between at least two of our closest friends, and have them comment on ways you could improve your work. Don't get them to actually do it for you though, just have them show your errors and tell them how to improve upon that.

If not, just look at it yourself after leaving a piece of writing for a day or two, and you'll probably wonder why you did this or that.

Spelling wasn't a big an issue, so I will not bother.

Grammar on the other hand still needs some work. You are not using your commas appropriately at certain points. There are a few run-ons and improper combining of independent clauses with fragments.

As you can tell, the major issue I had with this lemon was how you built your sentences to convey the special moment they had. It was good, but now that I look at it, there were some errors that would put off people who have taken, or are taking Post-Secondary college level English. I know that you're not in school and all, but this are things that I've noticed from reading this.

I hope that this helps you even further :3

[mercurianangel]

Originally Posted by Junkedcat

*Camera pans up the bank revealing Fate standing atop. With a lawnmower on one side, hedge trimmer on the other she stands proud holding a weed eater like it was a scepter. With the wind blowing the long hair from her ponytail she declares her title.*

"I AM THE LAWN QUEEN!"

I'm sorry but....

Spoiler for I HAD TO:

[ghazghkull]

Originally Posted by mercurianangel

I'm sorry but....

Spoiler for I HAD TO:

83

LOL NICE!!! XD

83

[krisslanza]

Oh what would we do without you merc?

[TheShinySword]

Originally Posted by mercurianangel

I'm sorry but....

Spoiler for I HAD TO:

You didn't just make my day... you made my life.

[Junkedcat]

Originally Posted by mercurianangel

I'm sorry but....

Spoiler for I HAD TO:

Took me about ten minuets but i think i can stop laughing and post a good job and thank you.

Thank you and you did another good job.

But if we take this...

Originally Posted by AshLikeSnow

Rofl. Omg this image gives me the giggles. For some reason I can imagine this scene playing on TV as part of a pesticide commercial lol.

and add Landscaper!Fate's personality we might get this...

Spoiler for Landscaper!Fate commercial:

"And thats it! Thanks for helping out for this commercial, we needed a professional worker."

"Yea no problem" Fate said to the company representative at the set.

"If it is no problem do you mind using these products at your regular work?"

"What, that pansy shit?" Fate pointed to the equipment on the ground with disappointment in her voice. "I'd want my Shindaiwa, Echo, and Lawn-Boy instead of that cheap ball less-crap."

Sorry... been around professional equipment before and they dont normally look so, friendly

Almost forgot the mandatory

Edit: the pic made a beeline strait to my screensaver folder.

[Gillian]

Originally Posted by mercurianangel

I'm sorry but....

Spoiler for I HAD TO:

lol
it's really worth a good laugh
thx mercurianangel

[mercurianangel]

lol
You're welcome, and thank you guys XD

@Junkedcat
Sorry I forgot to ask permission before posting...I was giggling to hard to remember XD
But I'll ask now: May I post that picture with links to your ficlets on other places (lj/DA)? With credit of course~

[Satashi]

Originally Posted by mercurianangel

I'm sorry but....

Spoiler for I HAD TO:

If we have four dark gods, I think Angel should be made goddess of light.

Anyone know a name to give her based off the 4 dark gods?

@ghazghkull: Thanks! It seems a lot of people liked this one ( over 30 request! ) and I'm kind of getting used to it. My grammar mistakes are there because I don't proof my lemons like I do my normal stories.

[ghazghkull]

Originally Posted by Satashi

If we have four dark gods, I think Angel should be made goddess of light.

Anyone know a name to give her based off the 4 dark gods?

@ghazghkull: Thanks! It seems a lot of people liked this one ( over 30 request! ) and I'm kind of getting used to it. My grammar mistakes are there because I don't proof my lemons like I do my normal stories.

Well that's the thing, you should be doing it for all of them, otherwise the quality goes down by that much :3

[Krinen]

Originally Posted by ghazghkull

Well that's the thing, you should be doing it for all of them, otherwise the quality goes down by that much :3

I do believe you have a point there, Ghazzy. Though I....

Where was I going with this? Anyway, to avoid further derailing, I can say I'm pleased with the updates to Landscaper!Fate, and SbtB, but I noticed someone mentioning a "Senpai!Vivio", and THAT grabs my attention.

Am I misdirected? Or Delusional?

If not, (Oh heavenly CreVo, let that be the case!) Link?

[Satashi]

Originally Posted by ghazghkull

Well that's the thing, you should be doing it for all of them, otherwise the quality goes down by that much :3

Random facts about Satashi, all are true:

1.) Satashi has passed one spelling test from grades K through second year in college.

2.)Satashi's grammar grade was failing, but passed because "Literature" was also part of English class. So the grade ended up to be passing.

3.)Satashi's English teacher didn't like Satashi.

I proof my stories and catch minor things, and also reword/edit a lot. But actual proofing comes in the form of Angel, who has taken it upon herself to go over my works despite being swamped with exams. Thanks Angel!

So I go over for quality of work, but not really for gramatical mistakes and such. Not because I'm lazy but because I honestly speak "proper" English worse than people who have English as a second or third language.

Was/were is a habit more than anything else.

[Kha]

Originally Posted by Keroko

To add to that, aside from her job as one of Kane's most trusted operatives, she also blasts canon inconsitencies. This may not seem to be as relevant in the fanfic thread, is it takes a more liberal view on things generally, but just to be on the safe side, I'd thought I'd warn you.

Also, I'm planning to refer to Keroko-kun OC as Kerokun, to avoid confusion like this.

Why not just use Uomo? I had Kai (the newest OC modelled on Kha that's not Kha the OC but the Kha from IRL) greeting him as that.

[ghazghkull]

Originally Posted by Kha

Why not just use Uomo? I had Kai (the newest OC modelled on Kha that's not Kha the OC but the Kha from IRL) greeting him as that.

That almost made no sense to me

[Junkedcat]

Originally Posted by mercurianangel

@Junkedcat
Sorry I forgot to ask permission before posting...I was giggling to hard to remember XD
But I'll ask now: May I post that picture with links to your ficlets on other places (lj/DA)? With credit of course~

I will give you permission to post this picture and links on your LiveJournal and DeviantArt pages.

Edit: .... dang....