EMDAS 2011 - February (Origins) Competition Page

[Hiroi Sekai]

Many thanks for the honest criticism and opinion, zebra^^ I don't have time to expand upon your opinion at the moment, but I do appreciate it. I like your take on the story and as you said, there are many ways to view a story.


I'd like to remind everyone that by the 14th, you need to revise your entry (should you wish to) and write "Final Entry" on it. I'll be doing so for my entry this afternoon.

[felix]

Mario "afternoon" and such are ambiguous. Please use timestamps. Preferably GMT+0 too.

[Hiroi Sekai]

Originally Posted by felix

Mario "afternoon" and such are ambiguous. Please use timestamps. Preferably GMT+0 too.

It's just a personal note; there's no reason to be precise. If you want to know when to post your final entry by, please read the first post. All times with timezone conversions are there.

[felix]

@zebra, many thanks for the comments and critique. Sorry for the script like feel to it; my idea was to have different chapters follow different characters. In a chapters with Mao I might go all out narrative, in a chapter with one of the other main characters — I haven't reveal yet — I might go all out monologue. Kou is basically the talkative/interactive type hence the dialog, and also why I gave him the crappy situation and semi-crappy personality (makes for more interesting dialog).

I also wonder why Rei let the folders out in the open. Was it on purpose to make Kou ask about the murders, or was he that stupid for the sake of the plot?

Rei appearing to have those documents there in view, like he wants someone to see them, is basically a failure in setting description on my part. I've managed to inject some hints in to make it more clear, thanks. Basically Rei's office is such a mess and cluttered with these things, he's also not very tidy; not that he has a place to put stuff. I could give you more details then the entry, but that's for later…

But I feel the prologue lacks some spice and conclusion - specially as an entry in the contest.

I don't really expect to win; I don't even enter these contests with that in mind. It's mostly good initiative to write (in this case). So with that in mind, it makes sense for me to favor more stable writing then say more spiced up writing. Unless next months theme is too awkward I'll just continue the story; since I'm aiming for a sort of composite of short stories format.

Should it be "sighed"?

Joking?

Fixed. Thanks.

Shouldn't it be "aside from the fact that she"?

Not necessarily. It's dialog, so more free-form. I'm going to leave it like that since it saves me 1 word.

Also out of curiosity: what is a "kansai-ben"? I'd guess some sort of comedy skit from context (it doesn't hinder the understanding at all, just curious).

kensai-ben = Kansai dialect. The little joke is a little more in-depth and somewhat plot related then what you may think at first, but I didn't have space to write about it or even explain what exactly happened (maybe next time).

[lordshadowisle]

Originally Posted by felix

@zebraUnless next months theme is too awkward I'll just continue the story; since I'm aiming for a sort of composite of short stories format.

That's an interesting idea. But do you already have a story planned or are you planning to wing it as you go?

[felix]

Originally Posted by lordshadowisle

That's an interesting idea. But do you already have a story planned or are you planning to wing it as you go?

I have an end, main characters, key events and general direction for the story sketched in my head. Mostly yes, I'll wing it as I go along, since it's easier to figure out what works and what doesn't as you write; not to mention I don't really have a choice given the theme limitation.

[Hiroi Sekai]

Originally Posted by felix

I have an end, main characters, key events and general direction for the story sketched in my head. Mostly yes, I'll wing it as I go along, since it's easier to figure out what works and what doesn't as you write; not to mention I don't really have a choice given the theme limitation.

If the theme cuts you off, I'd love to see the rest of your story on a separate topic; a Fan Creations thread of your own or something. Don't let limitations stop you from finishing a good story.

[felix]

Originally Posted by papermario13689

If the theme cuts you off, I'd love to see the rest of your story on a separate topic; a Fan Creations thread of your own or something. Don't let limitations stop you from finishing a good story.

Sorry but that's not really my style, … but I'll consider it. :P

[WordShaker]

Originally Posted by zebra

On wassupimviet's submmission:

Spoiler for rant:

Initial reaction: Confusion, including a tilted head.

I had to re-read the first paragraph to understand the narrator is Dorothy I wasn't sure until then. That could also be a fail on my part
The rest of the confusion was the good kind of confusion, though!
Is this an historical piece?
Are they some sort of royalty?
Oh, she's a robot :O

I personally like if a story makes me guess around while I read. The characters confused me somewhat however. I like to be thrown into the middle of things but I wasn't sure who was who until I read thrugh the story a second time.
But I really enjoyed your little piece in the second round. It reads easily then.

Your style reminds me of an author, but I can't put my finger on it. I mean that as a compliment, I really like your style here. It really emphasizes the story and its setting. The whole thing begins sullen, but in the end it's uplifting and inspirating.
The end was really nice, with the handwave of origin and the callback: “You’re a louse, Roger Smith.”

I like that you only crack superficially on the world and seemingly the characters, too - it goes really well with the message:
It doesn't matter where we come from, only where we go to and what we decide to do.

It's what I drew from the story at least

Beautiful. Might be my favorite entry till now.

Oh crap, my head's welling up! I better go put some ice on that...

Thanks, zebra; the commentary is seriously appreciated. I'll just pretend that what you pulled out of the story was intentional.

@felix: I'll +1 papermario's suggestion there.

[Hiroi Sekai]

Originally Posted by felix

Sorry but that's not really my style, … but I'll consider it. :P

Whatever suits your style I'm glad to see at least parts of it through this at the least.

[lordshadowisle]

Originally Posted by zebra

And they callend him BATMAN VIGILANTE!
Well it is the origin story of a hero after all. I still can't help but see a lot of similarities to many big and well known heroes that exist already. The monologue style didn't help that as it's often used in that kind of story, too.
But that's my only gripe with the story, if it's a gripe at all.

I like how you throw the readers into the middle of the action. I personally got sucked into it immediately. The style really is something!
We get one detail after another and everything mentioned gets explained later. Maybe there is too much explanation and some parts would work better if they were shorter and left more ambigious, but that's a question of preference and taste, I guess.

I enjoyed reading this one. Easy to read and a great flow. I have a knack for gritty stories like that anyway My favorite super hero is Batman after all So of course I find similarities ... specially since it's a normal guy who just uses his assets to fight crime, which is something I always like more than the simple "he has super powers".

Thanks Zebra for the praise. Regarding the story, on reflection it does seem that there's necessarily a lot of things in common with printed origin stories in comics. No way around it I guess?

Yeah, he's (almost!) BATMAN, but without so much money, and he doesn't wear his underwear on the outside. Nor does he wear a cape, that silly bat! Actually when I wrote the story I've tried to imagine how a superhero would be realized in the real world. AKA, when if I became a superhero how would I do it. You'll need to think out of the box, and cheat a lot.

Anyway, glad you've enjoyed it! I'll post an edited version later, but that contains only minor edits, so don't expect too much change. Also, good luck to all the other contestants, perhaps we'll even see some secret challengers appear.

[WordShaker]

Welp, I couldn't do much, but minor edits have been made. Final Draft-ed.

[felix]

Originally Posted by papermario13689

It's just a personal note; there's no reason to be precise. If you want to know when to post your final entry by, please read the first post. All times with timezone conversions are there.

I did. Couldn't find the timezone you specify in the list, there is a PST just not the one you mention. Please just do it like NightWish does, ie. counters; it's the best method.

[Hiroi Sekai]

Originally Posted by felix

I did. Couldn't find the timezone you specify in the list, there is a PST just not the one you mention. Please just do it like NightWish does, ie. counters; it's the best method.

Ah, good call. Thanks for the link, I'll update the first post.

[shelter]

FINAL ENTRY:
Run With Me
14.02.2011

Spoiler for Run With Me:

Run With Me

First, a footfall: our steps move
brimming with afternoon sun.
I watch while you stretch the fabric folds
of your muscles into anticipation —
a form tense,
wearable, sleeveless.

Then: lazy sunshine, its loose glare,
wraps its last fingers around the flush of your cheek.

After you, please:
you let our strides burst into pace
like frames
for slower runners in still life: shrinking, receding —
The want for air moves us – a common desire,
pulses loaded with adrenaline.

You know: I’m only faster with you around,
when you’re
a blur of jersey like a flag —
a bullet off the lines. One that hits
here:
in the deep crease of my panting soul
till I have you run with me,

until the hour crickets whistle
for us to slow down, for your footballs
to bury themselves in silence.
And everything is stilled,

where floodlights cast you:
luminous, a halo of sweat,
the only thing aglow on the dark track,
as evening overtakes us.


\ends

[Hiroi Sekai]

Genesis II

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth."
Laughing a sick and somewhat desperate laugh, the man crumpled the sacred pages with both of his hands. He looked up to the heavens and exclaimed:

"Created the Earth?! Well then God, you tell me where the hell everybody disappeared to. Is this a sick joke, God? I'm telling you...I'M NOT LAUGHING!"

It had been 7 days now. The worst cycle of monophobia was beginning to rise from within the man, and he had finally broken down on the day of the Sabbath. He had no memories except for the fact that mankind had left him in this cruel world.

"Heh. Hehehehe. HAHAHA!" the man was literally almost in tears at this point.

"You know, it IS somewhat funny! Destroy all of humanity but physically leave the Earth behind...SICK, but funny."

With no options left, the man began to circle the mysterious garden where he had awoke. Lush trees with colourful fruits rose up from every inch, and it was all perfectly edible. The man had been feasting off of the fruit since awakening, but for an unexplainable reason, he would not eat the fruit from the center tree. There was nothing holding him back, but a sharp pain came to him whenever he even considered tasting the oddly shaped delectable.

"Another day of the same food. I can't stand this for much longer, but at least I'm not starving." the man took a bite of one of the fruits, looked at the skies and yelled:

"You hear me, God? I will defeat you and your sick world! You can't bring me down THAT easily!"

And the instant the last word escaped his mouth, the man fell into a state of deep sleep. He slept and he slept, and several hours passed before he awoke again.

"Ah, good. You're awake!"

The man heard it. The voice of a human, but to him, it was the voice of an angel. Turning around, he caught a glimpse of a young woman, standing nude without shame. Within a few seconds, the man cried heavy tears. The woman hunched over and consoled him without a second thought.

"O' great Lord, I thank thee!" he exclaimed.

The woman had no memories of her own, as the man quickly found out. Conversation was almost impossible as there was nothing to reminisce upon and nothing they had in common. Yet they lived in the magical garden, living off of the fruits that seemed to be infinite. But they never dared to touch the fruit from the center tree. It seemed that the woman shared his fear of the middle tree.

Living off of one source of food, nude and not knowing. This continued for several days; the same repetitive thing. The man was sick of it all, and his faith was almost on the brink of destruction. All he wished was to go back to his old lifestyle with his two sons and wife. While alone and deep in thought, the man heard a sinister voice.

"Ssssooo, you want to know what'sssss happened to your world?" slithered the slippery voice.

It was already too late, the man was beyond intrigued. Something about this voice wasn't right, but the seduction of knowledge rendered the man useless.

"Yes, yes! What had happened? How can I return?" he desperately asked.

"The fruitssssss on the tree in the middle. They hold the anssswer you sseeeek. Eat one, and you will know all."

"I don't know...there is something wrong with eating the fruit from that tree." said the man, not having a reason behind his claim.

"It'sssss fine...It'ssssss just sssssome fruit, ssssame as the otherssssss. It'ssssss the only way."

And with that said, the man was convinced. The woman was nowhere in sight, but that didn't matter. Slowly, he made his way to the center tree, and despite the sharp pain he felt, he plucked one of the fruits and took a large bite.


In an instant, it all came back.

"Where have you gone? It's time to eat!" shouted the woman.

With a booming voice, the man yelled: "EVE!"

"E-Eve? Is that...my name?" she shuddered.

"One bite of this fruit and you shall know all."

And without hesitation, she took a bite.

The only word she could tearfully speak a second later was: "ADAM!"

Their memories had returned. Adam and Eve patched together coverings from fig leaves, now ashamed of their nude skin. It was odd, but Adam thought he could hear a sinister laugh slithering away.

"Eve, you remember! You truly...re..mem.."

And with that, the man dropped. Comatose, but not dead.

In shock, the woman began to scream for her husband. "ADAM! A...DA..."

And the woman immediately joined him.

"W-WHA! WHAT IS THIS?!"

A strong jolt awoke the man and he was in the garden, alone. There was nobody in sight, and all he clutched in his hand were the sacred pages of God's word.

"W-where is everyone? Am I the only one?!" he cried.

The wind carried a declaration from the Almighty, and Adam swore he heard it.
"Thou shalt not eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil."



FINAL ENTRY.

[felix]

My entry is final. Won't just repost it as I'd prefer to avoid duplication.

[Hiroi Sekai]

Originally Posted by felix

My entry is final. Won't just repost it as I'd prefer to avoid duplication.

That works just as well, thanks for posting.

[zebra]

Ohoh looking forward to all the final entries! You guys gave me some nice reads already!

Good luck everyone :3


@felix, the short description you inserted actually helps. Not just in terms of making sense, but also in picturing the scene and Rei better. It's not an empty room anymore.

[WordShaker]

Right then! Final draft is here.