Dating

[kaizer63]

I almost never do anything other than lurk but I feel like this needs to be said.

Originally Posted by csuree

I thought a GF would help me get out of this, but it seems like i'm sinking farther into the darkness after this incident.

This is your problem.

I can truly understand exactly where you're coming from on the relationship front and life experiences making you bitter and what not because I have been there. I understand the trying over and over to "woo" some girl and getting friend-zoned because that was the entirety of my high school and most of my undergrad experiences. But none of my problems were ever going to be solved simply by getting a girlfriend. It's the other way around--your problems are what are keeping you from getting a girlfriend. Stop thinking things like "I'm sinking farther into the darkness" because someone hurt you because people will always hurt you. It's a part of being people. Instead try to smile because, even though it hurt in the end, you tried.

I know it's the exact same thing everyone else will tell you, but you won't magically get better because you find someone. It's your job to fix yourself.

By the way, do you know the best part about being friend-zoned? You've made a friend.

[Sumeragi]

Originally Posted by Dr. Casey

This comes across as blaming the victim to me. Yeah, there's cases where both parties play a role (such as whenever neglect is involved as a catalyst for the infidelity), but why do you think that it's both parties' fault the majority of the time? Most of the cheating that I've observed over the years is of the "I want to sleep with more than just one person, so I'll do so whenever they're out of sight" variety.

Seems like we live in different circles. Most of the cheating I've observed was when one partner was seriously neglecting the other, which results in an "escape route".

[Kotohono]

Originally Posted by Sumeragi

Seems like we live in different circles. Most of the cheating I've observed was when one partner was seriously neglecting the other, which results in an "escape route".

Culture towards marriage also matters as those who strongly oppose divorce means the escape path becomes more looked at since no other option commonly.

[Traece]

Originally Posted by Sumeragi

Seems like we live in different circles. Most of the cheating I've observed was when one partner was seriously neglecting the other, which results in an "escape route".

Or to put it in other terms they're dating someone else so that they have a hard and formal reason to break off the borderline-non-existent relationship.

Hard to try and win back a relationship when they've already got a new boyfriend/girlfriend.

Edit: What Konakaga said reminds me of the Hollywood portrayal of politicians who cheat. "Our marriage is just for show. We'll probably get a divorce as soon as I'm out of office!"

[Dr. Casey]

Originally Posted by Sumeragi

Seems like we live in different circles.

Aye, I live in a Podunk country town that makes the setting of Non Non Biyori look like New York City, and it's full of rather unclassy people, so that probably colors things some (though the 'cheating as a result of neglect' of course isn't unheard of here).

[bigdeal000]

csuree, I'm gonna insist on something other people already mentioned, because it's very important. More important than you think. Other people don't solve anything. They are not there to make you better. They have their own problems, and if they see you can't handle your problems on your own, they will avoid you. No matter what, you must first learn to love yourself, stand on your own 2 legs, and not look at a girl as a solution to any problem. Girls aren't there to help you. They are there to have fun with you. After you get past the "fun" part, you can talk about your problems, and she'll tell you "it's ok, I believe in you" and that's it. She's not gonna try to solve your problems, and even if she tries, she'll most likely fail, if you don't work ten times more than her. Same goes for you. You are not there to make her a better person nor help her with every little thing. Don't even try that, *even if she asks for it*. She'll only be a real help with common problems, that completely involve the both of you (those are related more to marriage though).

*that's debatable and depends on the person, but whatever...

[Cosmic Eagle]

Originally Posted by csuree

Well I can say my own part of being cheated was that I might not have pushed her enough to make a decision. To be more precise she just broke up with her ex and i was used as a little dumpster for her little problems.

My own issues might have been that I tried to be nice with all the people even to the point that i did not care if something bad happened to me, just make sure they will be okay. And many peole just used this side of me. Well since i had no GF until now, the 20+ girls were more like trying to woo them. in high school I tried to "seduce" like 10 girls in the course of 4 years and every time, they got together with other guys, and i was friendzoned or ignored.

Even in college the same things went over and over again. And as I started to work I got to another girl who just toyed with me and then I shut myself in. After this came the aforementioned girl(all is written down in posts on the previous page). She looked like a nice girl but I had to realize.....she was just using me and she used the same tactics as the other girls who friend-zoned me. To the outside we were a couple, everyone said it, I also believe this was something new but she denied it. most likely because she is still in love with the other guy(who by the way is over-jealous and he even hit her - she told me this, but I'm doubting her now)

During my failures with girls and other people who used me and tossed me aside I lost confidence and my faith in people.
My only sin is that I try to help people, and i try to be nice to them, but my loss of faith in people got me to the point that I'm making sarcastic comments and say the truth in their face even when they don't like it, and I'm starting to be more and more egocentric and a bastard....I know this because my past self is still in there saying that i should not be doing this but my mind and my experiences tell me otherwise.
also this is a very complex situation which originated far away in the past and it would take long to describe it.....
long story short: Once i was a cheerful and bright kid with big dreams to realize, but my life ended up going down and I became a lone, A$$hole shut-in, with no ambition and vision of the future.
I thought a GF would help me get out of this, but it seems like i'm sinking farther into the darkness after this incident.

Oh and willx: about liking myself: i hated myself in he past but I did not want to become what the world wanted me to become and sometimes i hate myself too

I...generally don't involve myself in such matters because well...everyone's situation is unique and each person eventually has to find the answer within oneself at the end of the day but...

You say they toss you aside....But was there the malice associated with using you as a dumpster to be dumped on? Think of it this way....Maybe they also had troubles of their own and weren't committed and you simply were mistaken? You all do not despise each other deep down or the like right? If that is so, why not see it as adjusting rather than getting dumped? Ask yourself also...did you really love any of them, to be committed no matter what?

And at the end, you still helped her through this phase while she sorts her own bearings out no? You still did something good in a sense.

Such things really come down to fate in the end. If it's meant to be....see, nothing will separate you all no matter what. If not, then why you all cannot remain genuine friends?

Sincerity is most important and while it's lacking, I've come to realize that because sincerity is indeed the most important thing, that's precisely why people don't give it easily. It does not mean you should lose it, rather, continue being sincere towards the one you really love and you will eventually work things out on your own.

TL;DR, just float along lazily on life's river and relax and continue being bright and warm...sure the world will try to crush you but hey, if you remain untainted, it's your victory no? And then...fate will solve the rest for you

[Xefi]

Originally Posted by csuree

Oh and willx: about liking myself: i hated myself in he past but I did not want to become what the world wanted me to become and sometimes i hate myself too

you need to learn to love yourself and appreciate yourself more. the more you hate yourself,
you'll only drove yourself into a corner and eventually society.

i know when i was hating myself, the feelings were really unpleasant. and i usually isolate myself
from the human race (i still do sometime), but i often time get back on my butt and face reality once again
instead of crying a mountain in the little itty bitty corner why i even exist and why do i have to suffer in this world.

so yeah, try not to hate yourself. do the things you like and eat healthy to get
rid of bad thinking. yogaing helps too.

hope that helps a little.

[Nightbat®]

Now, just a question of interest:

How many of you are willing to get into a situation where you're taken advantage of and enjoy it

[Dr. Casey]

Since this is the dating thread specifically, I suppose you mean something like being used as a rebound, or someone stringing you along for an ego boost when they have no real intention to date you? The former I might be willing to go along with, depending on the situation and whether there's more sincere feelings mixed in there alongside the simple desire to have someone fill the void. The latter I would cut ties with as soon as I realized that they were playing around with me. (Note that I'm specifically referring to cases where the other party sadistically leads someone on for the sake of thrill and ego; I'd be perfectly gracious about a friend simply not returning my feelings.)

[csuree]

Well thanks for the good and bad comments and critics; I will not bear ill-thoughts towards any of you. your sincere opinion is more than enough to drive me forward.

I think I'll try harder next time, avoid the "self-pity" me. this gave me some motivation to man up and get out there to show them who's boss.....I'll use this impulse to drive myself forward head-on to any obstacle and shatter my pathetic weak self. It is no longer "I wish...." it is "I will..."

First I'm gonna put my life back in place, I went on a sidetrack but this must end....I wasted too much time.

It is time I finally acted like an adult.....

[Dr. Casey]

Good luck to you, suree. You seem like a good guy and I'm sure you'll find someone equally so.

[NoemiChan]

Just bring ample of cash.... Walking on a date with an empty pocket is.. well, not good.

[csuree]

well cash is short since April, but working on the issue.....must find a better paying job...or win the lottery But I never went to a date without money.

[NoemiChan]

That's my boy!^^

Remember to always think in advance.^^

[HasuMasu]

Originally Posted by Nightbat®

Now, just a question of interest:

How many of you are willing to get into a situation where you're taken advantage of and enjoy it

There would be a lot of conditions, but I'm not opposed to the idea itself.

[bigdeal000]

Originally Posted by Masuzu

There would be a lot of conditions, but I'm not opposed to the idea itself.

This^
Done right, it excites the M in me

[DonQuigleone]

So I've been getting into the "dating game" over the last few months, and so far the results:

... A little "meh".

In short, I've had two dates off online dating, neither girl I had chemistry with. I also have been trying out meetup groups, and I've found them a nice, casual way to meet new people, and have had a few interesting conversations with women that way too.

I'm feeling a bit angsty though, as I still feel like nothing is going anywhere very fast.

[GDB]

Hey, at least you got the dates with the online girls. I only get maybe a 10-20% reply rate, and about a 1% date rate.

[DonQuigleone]

Originally Posted by GDB

Hey, at least you got the dates with the online girls. I only get maybe a 10-20% reply rate, and about a 1% date rate.

Same. I can take the effort involved, but the continuous rejection gets demoralizing after a while. I'm beginning to understand why a lot of guys look on it as a "game". It's an easy way to not feel bad after being rejected, as it's not you being rejected but your "game". Still, not a good way to think of relationships.