The next day after school, due to my newfound duties, I had to turn down Taniguchi and Kunikida's offer to walk home with them, though I won?t miss their snide remarks about my figure.
So, I reluctantly dragged my heavy feet and headed towards the clubroom.
Haruhi had only said, "You go first!" and dashed out of the classroom with a speed that the Track and Field Club so badly needed. He?s really fast? I wondered if he?d added rockets to his shoes. Is going that fast because he was in a hurry to find new club members or because he?d taken a step forward in his desire to meet aliens?
I can?t possibly match that speed. So, moving slowly, and thanking my lucky stars that he didn?t decide to pick me up again, I headed towards the Literature Club room.
As I entered the clubroom, I discovered Nagato Yuuki already inside, sitting in the same position, reading his book. I approached him slowly, but just like yesterday his head was completely buried in the book, my presence all but ignored. Was the Literature Club a pure reading club? I guess there?s no other reason why he?d be reading all the time.
There was nothing but silence in the clubroom.
"... What are you reading?"
I asked, not being able to stand the silence any longer. Nagato Yuuki answered by raising the book and showing me the cover. My eyes saw a large bunch of dazzling foreign words; it seemed like some sort of science fiction novel, the kind my dad always reads.
"Is it interesting?"
Nagato Yuki pushed his glasses upwards effortlessly before replying in an empty tone:
"Unique."
I guess he?d answer anything I asked him.
"Which part?"
"All of it."
"So you like reading?"
"Very."
"I see..."
"..."
And we?re back to silence again.
As I put my bag down on the desk, I wondered if I could just leave and not deal with Haruki. But just as I prepared to sit down on the steel chair, somebody kicked the door open.
"Hi!" Haruki said expansively, striding through the doorway. "Sorry for being late, but it took a while to, heh, catch him!" He dragged a shorter boy into the room, and then turned and closed the door behind him with an ominous finality.
The boy twitched nervously at the click of the lock. He was small and slim, looking more like a middle school student playing dress-up in a North High uniform. His brown hair was tousled in a sort of childish way, and his large puppy-dog eyes cast around with a silent appeal for help. He reminds me a bit of my little brother.
This is Haruki's "chosen candidate"?
"W-where am I?" the boy said tremulously. "What is this place? Why have you brought me here?"
"Silence!"
The boy flinched at Haruki's sudden threatening tone, and gave an involuntary yelp as Haruki pounced on him, a companionable arm around his shoulders, a huge smile beaming on his face. "This is Asahina Mitsuuru," Haruki said, gesturing with his other hand.
After announcing the boy?s name, Haruhi stopped talking. Wait, that?s the entire introduction?
Silence, yet again, engulfed the classroom. Haruki looked satisfied with his "job well done"; Nagato Yuuki, as usual, kept reading his book without any sign of emotion; and the boy called Asahina Mitsuuru was simply scared out of his wits. Why is nobody saying anything?
So, I started the conversation.
"Where did you kidnap him from?"
I had my hands on my hips as I said this. Maybe being more forceful with Haruki will make him stop this insanity.
"Eh, I didn?t kidnap him! I just forced him to come with me."
That's the same thing!
"He was off daydreaming in one of the second year classrooms, so I grabbed him from there. I've seen him around a lot of times, and I figured that he'd be just perfect for our plans."
Plans? What plans? Wait, so that's what you've been doing during recess time when you're nowhere to be seen in the classroom.
No, wait again, now isn't the time to think about this.
"Look, doesn't that make him an upperclassman?"
Though he doesn?t look like one? but I?m not in any position to talk.
?And that matters because???
I looked at him in disbelief. He must have been absent the day that they handed out brains. In any case, being more forceful is not working well.
I sighed. "Okay then... tell me, why did you need to go out of your way to find, erm, Asahina-senpai, right?"
"Just take a look!" Haruki slapped Asahina-sempai on the back with some force, causing him to stumble towards me. I took an involuntary step backwards, and Asahina-sempai ended up grabbing the edge of the table for support.
"See how weak he is?" Haruki declared. "See how easily he's defeated? What he needs is guts! Guts and courage! If you have those, then you'll never be beaten, but if you lack them, then you'll never amount to anything! You won't be worthy of being called a man!"
You know, that really isn?t very nice.
Haruki grasped the air with his fist ?Therefore, this will be our club?s first project! To turn this runty weakling, this non-man, into a man to be envied by all! A man among men!?
My first thought was that Haruki had gone so far off the deep end that he?d come out the other side. He does have a point though? Asahina-senpai is probably the least manly man I?d ever seen. He?d be pretty popular with some girls, though. And at least he?s not as crazy as certain unnamed individuals.
?Hey, t-that?s too mean!?
Asahina Mitsuuru had gotten up off the ground, and turned to face Haruki.
?I-I?m a man too, you know!?
"Oh? Is that so?" Haruki draped his arms around Asahina-senpai again.
He looks like a dangerous kidnapper like that.
"How much of a man are you, really?"
Oh no, his eyes look dangerous! Run, Asahina-senpai!
His hand moved down Asahina Mitsuuru?s body, down to...
Oh. Oh my god.
I wasn't sure who screamed first, but I like to think that it was Asahina-sempai, because it's less embarrassing for me. Haruki had gone too far this time.
"Stop that!" I shouted, trying to push the two of them apart. "What the hell do you think you're doing? That's sexual harassment!"
Do you want to be sued!?
?Heh heh, well, what do you know?? Haruhi chuckled without any shame whatsoever. ?He is a man after all. You wanna check too??
I flushed immediately.
?What? No!?
Haruki finally let go of Asahina-senpai, who sagged onto the ground, exhausted.
?You see what I mean, though? If we can turn something like that into the living embodiment of the spirit of men, the righteousness of our cause shall have been proven to all! All of this, of course, is but a small part of my plan.?
This plan of yours seems dangerous, and not something any sane person would want to get involved with.
?So that?s why you kidnapped him? To make him manlier??
Asahina-senpai was looking at me with tearful eyes. Maybe he thinks I?m going to save him?
"Well, I thought we could use him to advertise our club too. Kind of like a? mascot character, that?s it. Something like that."
...It?s official. Haruki?s idiocy has broken the bounds of normality. He could join a freak show as ?The Most Dangerous Idiot Ever?.
"Oi, Mitsuru-kun, you in any clubs?" Haruki demanded.
"Y... Yes... the Home Economics Club..."
"Quit that! Not manly enough. Besides, it?ll get in the way of my club activities."
Hey, Haruki! That?s way too unreasonable!
Asahina-senpai focused that puppy-dog stare at me, begging to be rescued, and I had to avert my eyes. He then turned his gaze onto the still silent person sitting in the corner of the clubroom, who didn?t even look his way. But Asahina-senpai's eyes widened in surprise, and he gasped.
"I... I understand," he said, in the tone of voice usually reserved for the utterly defeated. "I'll quit the Home Economics club, and join your club..."
What did he just understand?
He hesitated. "But I'm not sure what the Literature club actually does..."
"Oh, don?t worry about that. We're not the Literature club," Haruki explained.
As Asahina-senpai looked puzzled, I cut in to explain.
"We're just temporarily borrowing this room for our club activities. The club you have joined is actually a new association that Suzumiya Haruki will create in the near future. We don't know what activities there will be; we don't even have a name."
"...I?m sorry, what...?"
"Oh, and that guy sitting over there is the real and only Literature Club member."
"Oh..."
Asahina-senpai blinked slowly in astonishment, his mouth hanging open. Yeah, that's a predictable reaction.
"It?s no problem at all!"
Cheerful to the point of not being responsible for anything, Haruki smacked Asahina-senpai's shoulder hard.
"I've already thought of the name! That's the most important part of forming a club!"
I thought gathering members was the most important part? oh, whatever.
I glared at Haruki.
"Okay," I said, injecting as much skepticism into my voice as possible, "let's hear it."
I really don?t want to hear the name, but since I already asked, Haruki took a deep breath, in preparation for the momentous revelation of his grand vision.
As everybody knows, it all began as a result of Suzumiya Haruki's simple and naive vision, and for no other reason. And so... the name of our new club has been decided:
The SOS Brigade!
Spreading manliness all
Over the world with
Suzumiya Haruki?s Brigade
The Spreading manliness all Over the world with Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade, abbreviated as SOS Brigade.
I give you all permission to laugh.
But before I could even do that though, I stood utterly dumbstruck.
(Why on earth is it called "Brigade"? It should be "Spreading manliness all Over the world with Suzumiya Haruki's Association", but since the club still hadn't satisfied the minimum requirements to become an association and no one but Haruki was sure what the club was all about, Haruki simply said "Well then, let's call it a brigade!" And so the club name was now magnificently born.)
Upon hearing the name, Asahina-senpai closed his mouth dejectedly. Nagato Yuuki could be counted as an outsider, and I didn't know what to say. And so, the motion for the new club name was passed, with one for and three abstentions. The SOS Brigade is now open for business! This is such a wonderful occasion!
Why I am involved in a brigade devoted to spreading manliness?
I covered my face with my hand.
Sigh? just? do whatever you want!