Dating

[stubby42]

For me dating is pretty difficult because any relationship I start will be close then suddenly turn into a very long distance relationship. I'm in the process of immigrating to canada from the UK so at the moment I'm bouncing from work visa to work visa, because I'm still in school in the uk it means I spend six months of the year in the uk and the other six in canada.

I should just go into a relationship open minded and not worry about it and I really do want for it to happen but I worry that the girl is going to end up being the one and that the long distance relationship will brake us down (every single person I've met that have started in a close relationship where their rarely apart then go long distance, it brakes down and fast) which ends up being a stumbling block because it means I dont start the relationship in the first place.

Plus I feel like a dick because the fact is if I'm with a canadian girl it would make my life alot easier, its basically hello work visa but I dont want to feel like the main reason I'm staying with a girl is to get in the country.

[CuXe]

Originally Posted by stubby42

For me dating is pretty difficult because any relationship I start will be close then suddenly turn into a very long distance relationship. I'm in the process of immigrating to canada from the UK so at the moment I'm bouncing from work visa to work visa, because I'm still in school in the uk it means I spend six months of the year in the uk and the other six in canada.

I should just go into a relationship open minded and not worry about it and I really do want for it to happen but I worry that the girl is going to end up being the one and that the long distance relationship will brake us down (every single person I've met that have started in a close relationship where their rarely apart then go long distance, it brakes down and fast) which ends up being a stumbling block because it means I dont start the relationship in the first place.

Plus I feel like a dick because the fact is if I'm with a canadian girl it would make my life alot easier, its basically hello work visa but I dont want to feel like the main reason I'm staying with a girl is to get in the country.

I feel ya.... long distance relationships can be a total mess, thats the main reason I try not to get myself in that situation as I travel a lot as well (work related) ... my take is to start dating when you have finally set yourself up in one place, or country in this case, otherwise, things will always go downhill. I haven't met many people who have held a long distance relationship and made it work, it just doesn't happen anymore. Maybe back in the days when a man and a woman dreamed with each other all because of the promise of a kiss things might have worked out but we don't live in such times ....... maybe this is why I like anime so much... anime romance is so pure (in most series) ... and one gets to fantasize a lot... lol

OFF Topic line............ How the heck is it that I never knew this part of the forum existed... I spent most of my time in the anime series threads ... lol .. silly me... will have to start interacting with some people here.........

[tehjoker]

Never had a girlfriend but dated a few times.

Well, it kills me to know that every girl i date likes a friend of mine.

[stubby42]

I haven't met many people who have held a long distance relationship and made it work, it just doesn't happen anymore

I've met quite a few people that make long distance relationships work but the reason their relationships carry on is because thats how their relationship has been from the beginning.

One friend started dating his girlfriend two weeks before he went to school, she lives in alberta and he goes to school in sasketchewan, they only see each other two or three times times in a semester (at most) but when they are together its the most amazing time, the rest of the time they call each other or talk on web camera and it makes a hell of a difference.

Apparantly the most difficult part of their relationship is when he comes back home for summer because their together for a long time then he has to leave. They manage it because they've got their relationship to a point where they only want to be with each other.

Like I said though, long distance relationships only seem to work if thats how your relationship starts, the person is worth it and you manage to see them a few times a semester.

If I were back in the uk and wanted to visit it would just not be possible, the plane tickets are way too expensive, I only earn enough to scrape together for that six month stint and even then its a huge struggle and I'm trying to get into an industry thats low pay and tends to be temporary contracts.

Its fun and worth it but it makes my life so much harder.

[AceD]

Originally Posted by Shiemi

Stability, security, honesty, someone I can respect and respects me back, listens to me, and satisfies my needs of intimacy.

sounds like maybe your describing your mother?...apart from the last bit anyway...i hope

[Shiemi]

Originally Posted by Voracious Hollow

sounds like maybe your describing your mother?...apart from the last bit anyway...i hope

Nope! I'm actually describing my boyfriend.

On another note, to the ones talking about LDRs, long distance relationships are truly hard. I'm in one right now and sometimes I think it's too hard. Whenever we manage to spend days together I end up crying a lot when we have to get separated again. Then, like a couple of months after we've been able to be together for some days and then we've been away from each other, I go into panic attacks and start telling him I cannot do it anymore. Somehow, he manages to calm me down every time and I'm really glad it doesn't happen often. Only when we've been together like two months before or so.

I know I could do things so that we can live close to each other sooner, but at the moment, it wouldn't be a wise decision and my studies come first. Plus I already left my master's degree studies once for a man before and almost ended up getting killed. Obviously, after the murder attempt/threat and years of abuse that did not work out, but because of such a painful experience I feel my life comes first and my boyfriend understands my decision. Still, that doesn't make the LDR situation easy.

[Mystique]

Originally Posted by Shiemi

Plus I already left my master's degree studies once for a man before and almost ended up getting killed. Obviously, after the murder attempt/threat and years of abuse that did not work out, but because of such a painful experience I feel my life comes first and my boyfriend understands my decision. Still, that doesn't make the LDR situation easy.

uuhhh... mind going into that in detail via your profile board or pm? It's only like the randomest, kinda intriguing thing you can toss in a date thread, so casually O.o

Originally Posted by stubby42

Like I said though, long distance relationships only seem to work if thats how your relationship starts, the person is worth it and you manage to see them a few times a semester.

More or less how it works. With the distance already there, you build and strengthen the relationship around it, rather than having to learn to adapt to a new situation that you've never been in.
Nonetheless, "parting is such sweet sorrow."
The couple involved do need to be strong to make it last.

[Coffee_Kaioken]

Originally Posted by Ledgem

I started dating right before I hit 20, partly because I was ready for it and partly due to that nagging feeling that if I didn't even start dating before I left my 'teens, when some people start dating as early as middle school, then maybe I'd never date.

Agreed. At my point, most girls my age are dating those older than them. That, and, it's hard because, if you didn't have your foot in the door, you can't do it now. It's a cycle, like I said earlier (or like someone else did...)

I put an embarrassing amount of thought into it, too - how to start dating, that is. At my university the Greek system was quite influential, as were its parties. I wasn't into partying, and I wasn't into the Greek system. It was enough of a struggle to piece together a group of friends who had the same general interests that I did - and we were all guys with virtually no links to other girls. That's a dead end.

....Greek system? Does this have anything to do with the ABC Family show?

My first dating experience was a case where someone saw me, took interest, and took the first steps. We did it as you desire it - we would meet once or twice a week for lunch, and our conversation-filled lunches lasted for a long time. It ultimately didn't work out, but it was a first. The break-up didn't leave me with anything to work with in terms of other girls.

However, I ultimately came to realize some things that can work in your favor. Situations are different for everyone, so don't take this as an ultimate guide, but ponder it.

First, you need to meet girls. Perhaps I should be embarrassed to admit this, but I signed up for knitting clubs and certain volunteering clubs knowing that the groups would likely be almost 100% female. (Furthermore, girls who are into knitting would probably be compatible with me, just based off of stereotypes - someone cerebral and who doesn't live off of alcohol.)

And if it's the first few experiences, I wouldn't be in any rush to 'get laid' or whatever this whole fad with trying to lose virginity is, either.

That never panned out, but it was a good idea. Meeting girls doesn't necessarily mean you're going to meet "the one" right there. The idea is to have solid, good friends who are female. Ideally these females would not be excessively tom-boyish - they need to have links to many other girls, not just guys. Through your female friends you'd then be able to meet other girls. It's a positive cycle, and starting it up is the hardest part. Once you're used to interacting with females in a friendly manner, it becomes even easier to make random female friends. At my peak I probably had 2-3 female friends for every one close guy friend. This excess initially and understandably put some strain on me and my girlfriend, once I'd found her.

Understood. And, BTW, I actually always have mostly female friends anyway, to begin with. I am used to interacting with them in a friendly manner.

The second part is actually making something happen. While the exact methodology will depend on who you are and who the girl is, everyone seems to have at least one thing in common: if person A is led to believe that person B has an interest in them, then person A will begin to develop an interest back (as long as the two aren't completely put off by each other). Spending a lot of time with someone is a relatively obvious way of showing interest. The added benefit is that even if the other person doesn't recognize it, her friends might, and their suggestions could trigger her interest in you. Another possible way of going about it would be to show her friends that you're interested in her, either by directly stating it or by hinting at it by asking certain things about her (possibly things like what her favorite flavors of ice cream or cake are, or what her favorite stuffed animals are, or... you get the idea, just remember what you're told because if you ever choose something after being told something else, you're in for it). It all depends.

I was starting to worry that I had a distorted perception and that with all girls, if you don't do something in the first few minutes you meet her for the first time, or if you don't make any moves in the first few days, then it's all over. I would worry that by the time you do make contact with her friends or take the time you are suggesting, that she'd already have put you in the friend zone.

As for the whole "friend zone" thing, according to some girls there is a bit of truth in it. I wouldn't worry too much about it, though. If anything, consider that the main idea behind it is to keep you moving and working toward your goal. Don't feel rushed, but do use it as a motivation if you ever feel too shy to move forward.

Above all, enjoy the process. It can be frustrating to build up tons of friendships and still not enter a romantic relationship, or to see so many beautiful, wonderful girls who are still incompatible/unavailable to you. As long as you're not too focused on the end result, simply making friends and seeing where your friendships take you is rewarding in itself.

The last sentence, caught my focus. I'll do just that.

Ledgem, thank you for your response. Not all of your paragraph may be a guide but I will incorporate several of your ideas. Thank you again.

[Kakashi]

Originally Posted by Coffee_Kaioken

But your posts, Earth_Wyrm, and Zero Shinohara, completely match my situation at the moment. Only, I'm not 20, I'm going to be 19 soon, and in college at the moment, but, still. Accurate enough. I have had no relationships, and in high school, there was one girl who returned my feelings but I was too much of a wuss to take her hints and go for anything.

That's not uncommon, from what you've told us, all you lack is a bit of confidence to take things a step further. I think Ledgem touched on a good point in his post, as pathetic and unmanly as his solution was, it worked. It requires guts to take an active approach to even socialise with the opposite sex, especially when you're the solitary male surrounded by giggling girls who are almost definitely commenting on how "cute" you are -- never "hot" but "cute". Belittling your manliness systematically. Some people are fairly self conscious and find such situations tough to handle. But you don't want to inflate it into something it's not. It's not the end of the world if you embarass yourself, you will get another chance if you chickened out the first time and there are tons of guys out there with the same problems.

When you think about it that way, Ledgem's solution was a stroke of genius. The girls in the volunteering and knitting club would naturally gather that he's a pretty self confident and assured young man, considering he dared admit alliegance to such a feminine pass time. Almost without question, he's got some desirable qualities right there.

As for me, the situation was slightly different. I got a girlfriend at around 17 years old, purely on a whim. I'm not much of a party guy at all, but in college, a couple a year was the norm. During one of them this decent looking lass I knew suddenly sat on my lap and stayed there for most of the night. After a while we got into flirting, (not much of a flirter either, but being drunk can give you a new outlook on life), and sure enough a relationship ensued. However, long story short, there were discrepancies - big ones. I thought myself an introvert, and she sure confirmed those beliefs, consequently the relationship fell apart about 4 months later.

My first real relationship started at 20, with an Irish girl, who I still love dearly to this day. Not that I'm much older, but still.

So I guess my point is, there's no rush. It's not about diving head first into any relationship pronto, it's about getting into something more worthwhile. In that sense your prudent approach might even be wise.

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by Kakashi

When you think about it that way, Ledgem's solution was a stroke of genius. The girls in the volunteering and knitting club would naturally gather that he's a pretty self confident and assured young man, considering he dared admit alliegance to such a feminine pass time. Almost without question, he's got some desirable qualities right there.

Well if that's the approach, I wanted to clarify one other thing: simply going to events like that, or being friends with girls/doing "girly" things alone doesn't cut it. Your sexuality will almost certainly be questioned immediately, as would your "manliness." You absolutely must believe in yourself. I don't mean that you need to be overly sexual or make crudely hetereosexual remarks, but speak with confidence, look people in the eye, and have good posture when you walk and sit. Everyone is attracted to people who exude self-confidence, whether real or symbolic.

The approach I mentioned is more about taking an alternate route. You're going where few males are and many females are; the ratio is balanced in your favor and thus your competition is diminished. You're also potentially taking girls by surprise in showing up in scenarios where they weren't expecting males to be. That's the positive benefit; the negative is that you may initially be met with skepticism or you may be judged to be homosexual. In other words, your initial standing might be lower than if you met them randomly. Show confidence in what you do and let them get to know you, and all of that will be cleared up. The girls you're likely to encounter in doing this will probably be different from those you'd find at parties, but that isn't to say that there's no crossover. The methods used to win their hearts may thus be different as well. It's fine to listen to general "alpha male" advice, but I think that when dealing with girls along the less-traveled route it's fine to take a softer and less aggressive approach. If you're an introvert (I am) and/or more sentimental than aggressive, this will probably be your natural style anyway.

But for the record, I never ended up knitting anything (couldn't find the meeting room for the knitting club). My pairings and connections were all made through science classes. It wasn't intentional, but they were largely in biology classes - as of now, the current trend is that there are more females than males in the biology area.

My first real relationship started at 20, with an Irish girl, who I still love dearly to this day. Not that I'm much older, but still.

*sniffle* How beautiful

[solomon]

Ok im bored so here is a silly question.

What does a "serious" relationship mean to you all.

Naturally, this would depend on your age and personality. Normally I heard it in the context of 30-40 year olds contemplating who they want to marry, but about you college kids? And how long would you have to be seeing someone for it to constitute a serious relationship?

[Mystique]

You get bored a lot eh?
as for 30-40 year olds, who do you hang around with? O.o
Those in their early twenties are already moving in with their partners and having kids, getting married, etc etc.
It's not so distant a "future" as you teenagers think, you know.

The length depends on the couple, cutlure, religion (as most things in life).
Personally i'd attribute it to the person involved to determine how serious it'd be. With some people they may just want a casual relationship and will end it after 6months or so.
With some people, after two months of being together (and perhaps have had negative aspects in their lives which usually make them distrustful to others), to be with someone who they can relate to in that manner may be rare.
So their relationship could be classed as serious, since they plan to work very hard to maintain it as best as they could.

And so on, there is no set time, it depends on how much the couple want to put into the relationship and the way the view the nature of it themselves.

[Kyomi]

So here is a little story that I decided to talk about.

Around the beginning of this month I decided to move closer to my school. Currently living alone and have been for a while, it takes me about 1:30\2:00 hours of public transportation everyday and its a hassle. It was a Monday and I started searching on impulse throughout the school housing web site. I made a few phone calls and people we're interested in giving me a tour right away so I headed to the first place. It was pretty crappy and there isn't much to say. But later that day I made another appointment.

It was around 17:30 when I showed up, she opened the door and thats where it began. The girl that stood there looking at me was extremely cute, she was wearing a pair of short and a dark blue T-shirt. She was also wearing a necklace with her name written on it, you could tell this was a kind of indoor wear, that she got home from work and changed without anticipation of seeing anyone (mind you I called to make the appointment 5 mins earlier, I just happened to be very close by.)

Anyways the place was very clean and newly renovated. I was very satisfied. She also explained that she was going on vacation back in her country for 3 months and thats why she was renting. She wasn't sure if she would come back to this place afterwards since she has no nearby family besides for an uncle 2 hours drive away. Its been 2 and a half years since she last saw her mother and was homesick so her mind was a bit blurry at the moment, but the terms remained as a 3 month rent.

It was very inconvenient for me to move just for 3 months even though the place was very attractive to me. Of course out of silly impulsion I took the place as I could see she seemed to be very worried and needed someone of trust to take care of her things while she was gone (I'll be using her furniture).

The second time I saw her was a few days later, where I was to sign to papers. This was relatively short. The deal took about 5 minutes and soon as I was done I got up and went to grab my shoes. We talked for another 5 minutes standing next to the front door as she explained to me the reasons while she wasn't sure if she would come back. As it happened it was a language barrier. I live in a bilingual area and she only speaks English besides her native language. However she just graduated from fashion school and while she was looking for a job they we're asking for both local languages. So then comes the idea for her to move somewhere that only requires English. And so I left, but not before telling her that I was in university to become a teacher, and that if she should come back and if she needed help I would be glad to assist her. Keep in mind this was said in a rather casual way before I left.

Then we move up to the third encounter. A few days later I had to meet her to make a payment for the place. Again this was rather quick, I went in, sat down, took out my checkbook and payed up. It wasn't the full amount required but it was most of it. I told her I would contact her within the week to let her know when I would come back for the rest, and that would most likely be next week (This happened last Tuesday) As I got up and headed for the door, she again followed me as we talked about our situations. However this time we ended up talking for a hour, just standing next to the entrance (boy was my backpack heavy with my laptop and all that crap) At this point I'm figuring maybe that this situation means something. Obviously I'm interested but I wasn't looking further than that.
Key points of the conversation: She is at least 4 years older than me (27, didnt ask for birthday) Single and very open to local culture, she also had a cold that day.

Very satisfied, I went home and though about it for a while. 2 days later, I decided to try something and sent her text message saying "Hey there, hope you felling better, are you free tomorrow?" Soon later I got a reply saying that she was available in the afternoon and so I began my attack plan.

I had just sent her a message with a vague questing that didnt actually tell of my intentions. So the idea was to go in there and see what happens without knowing of her expectations, in any case I brought the remaining of what I owed for rent in case that I would need a excuse later on.

It went pretty much like this: As soon as I went in she offered a drink and so I sat down at her table and we started talking, again we talked about the different situations of our lives. She expressed that she felt pressure having to go back home and that her mind was still a bit hazy about what choices she would make, but it seems she will come back properly to her apartment once she comes back in February. She also mention during the conversation how she was glad she kept the place for sub-rent and that maybe it would give her a reason to come back. (hint,hint?) Anyhow this lasted for an hour until her cellphone rang...

The voice was one of a man but I couldn't understand what he was saying. The conversation seemed a bit shaky, she told him she was busy and she would call back. Most likely he tried to know what she was doing, as the conversation seemed to heat up at one point she just told him "I'm with a Friend!" and a few seconds later she told him my name and said she had to go.

I was shocked and disappointed so I gave her the last payment and left soon afterwards. I didn't give hints of my feelings and neither did she give details of what happened, but as I write these lines about what happened last Friday I have yet to see her again. Although we do have a few other things to take care off so we already made plans to see each other this Friday.

Of course I was furious for a few moments after what had happened, but the more I though about it, the more it seemed improbable for him to be in a relation with her. An Ex-boyfriend or someone who is interested in her perhaps, but I doubt there is something going on. The fact that she didn't want to give me details seems to me important. If I didn't mean anything then it wouldn't matter right? But she didn't want to upset me. Also the fact that she said she didn't have anyone and that she was ready to move at the other end of the world also would seem to hint that she isn't seeing that man.

In any case I wrote plenty already so I'll try to finish up this post quickly. For now my plans are simple. She leaves in 10 days, best for me not to rush anything since I won't see her for 3 months, and a lot can happens within this time. When she comes back I plan to ask her out properly. Right now the situation just ain't ideal to make a move. I think my chances are pretty fair. It's mostly the time apart that can change things a lot.

And so there are many things more I could say but I feel like it's enough for now. I'm not really seeking advice or something of sort but if you want to comment feel free. Perhaps for now I just wanted to share this situation as I rather not to talk to friends about it until I know for certain that there is something going on.

Oh, and as far as I see it, the part where she told him over the phone that she was with a friend seems like a plus to me, she could have easily just said that she was with the guy renting her place. That would have seemed to be easier on the call.

[Mystique]

*squeals*
It's something like out of a movie!!!!!
I'm so excited for you!
(okay, okay, girly moment has passed now, lol)

By the way, you write amazing well, i enjoyed reading that.
But yeah, 3 months, see how it plays out, but there definitely seems to be the initial chemistry between the pair of ya since you were able to chat for hours on end on each meet.
(Bear in mind, she's a single woman, getting acquainted with a single young man in her place, the situation isn't the safest of one, but she obviously feels comfortable around you)
That's prob saying a lot for the present situation. I guess for now you just have to get on with things and make yourself comfy in her place.

[shinobiknight0]

Edit-Posted in the wrong thread.

I might as well say something while I'm here.

I'm 16, and I just moved out of an all guys' high school and transferred to a co-ed. It's not really a new experience for me, but it's pretty fun and all the girls I've met are friendly. I'm suprised at how many people just want to talk when you sit next to them or have seen them walking around before.

[Ledgem]

Kyomi thanks for sharing, that was a nice read. I think there's no reason to be upset over that phone call of hers, but you're definitely right not to initiate anything right now. A friend of mine uses the expression "don't poop where you sleep" (using a different word, of course) - the idea is that if you're roommates with a girl, or your living arrangement creates a link to a girl, don't pursue a relationship with her. The stakes are simply too high in the event that something goes wrong, and partly as a result of that you might be swayed to be less than honest with yourself when it comes to measuring up how content you are with the relationship (that is, you'll tend to avoid breaking it off). You're subletting from her, so when she comes back and you're in your own place then give it a go. Fully living together is generally for a very well-established relationship where both people involved agree that they want to have a shared future.

But heck, even though what I've just said is very sensible and will probably keep you out of a lot of bad love situations, I've barely followed my own advice. You only live once, and isn't love the worthiest thing to gamble on?

Get her contact info so that you can talk to her when she's away - ask for her email address (and give her yours) under the guise of saying that you'd like to contact her in the event that there's a problem with the place. If she doesn't contact you after one month or so, then write her an email to just say that everything is fine with the place, and maybe idly ask how she's doing. A lot can happen in three months, indeed - but there's no reason to cut yourself out of it entirely

[Waking_Dreamer]

Originally Posted by Mystique

You get bored a lot eh?
as for 30-40 year olds, who do you hang around with? O.o
Those in their early twenties are already moving in with their partners and having kids, getting married, etc etc.
It's not so distant a "future" as you teenagers think, you know.

And so on, there is no set time, it depends on how much the couple want to put into the relationship and the way the view the nature of it themselves.

Woah, woah slow down there...you're making me think Im missing something.

Well it depends as you said, but for college students it seems if a relationship has gone on for more than a year/year and a half, its fairly serious. Ive know quite a few couples from uni who have been together for more than two years and their still going...thats just crazy.

Anyway an interesting conversation came up in one of my group meetings consisting of me and two girls. Somehow the topic of marriage came up and one of them said if you've been dating a girl in your late teens or early 20s, once you've reached the 5 year mark you HAVE to propose to her. She went on about taking those 5 years away from her or wasting them if in the end you just break up. Interesting.

It makes kind sense now that i think about it, though being as a guy I reserve the right to naturally not think that far into the future...yes definitely not that far into the future. So what do the girls/women on the forum think about the 5 year rule?

[CMSensei]

You remember me posting..

Spoiler for Self Quote:

Originally Posted by Cynthia Herrera

I seen and heard many girls who go out with someone and then end up pregnet, and walking around at school with a tummy. And one girl got pregnet and her boyfriend didnt love her anymore.

Spoiler for Off Topic:

That remendes me that my friend and her frends were walking in hall or something and saw a guy having sex with a girl. That seems to not surprise me much only that I thought her not bringing up the subject..

I Have a Crush on this guy that I like and I knew he liked me I think he Knew too in Junior high last year. As the year past that year he changed the way he acted around me and we became close once or twice I sat with a friend at his table and we locked eyes he looks at me. And once he sayed "do you have a boyfriend" then he said " ruby has a boyfriend" (his cousin) we stared for a why'll, it sounded like he wanted to ask me. But know this year in high School we have no classes together my friend do but not me I never told them (they would do something ) We never really see each other or talk each other like last year. I was wondering if he still like me or not.

I would like tips anything
what do you think..

Originally Posted by Cynthia Herrera

I am a chicken you guys to do it . >.< I think he forgot about me threw the summer.
so is there still a chance or is it pointless.

Okay about what happen now, he moved to another high school. But the thing is he move close to were my grandma lives, My grandma was going to drop me home and I said "bye" to my grandpa and aunt when he was walking in the street what went to my head wtf? he move here? It looked like him so yea. I think he saw me and I saw him. And he looked at me for 20 sec and then kept walking. I think we kind of scared each other.

[Kakashi]

I think you let the situation get a bit awkward, the longer you let things stand the more uncomfortable you'll get around eachother. Also, don't think what to think, think what to do. There's no point in waiting about. Your chances are high since most guys don't ask girls about boyfriends unless they're interested. Even if he's not -- you don't go to the same school so it shouldn't be a problem.

[NightShade99]

well what happens if ur not attracted to any1 around you,
but you desperately wana be attracted to someone =O