Dating

[whitepearl]

Originally Posted by GDB

How can it be 'very healthy' if one doesn't trust the other enough that they feel a need to secretly spy on their conveyances?

I brought this topic up because it came up on another discussion forum I post on.

Apparently some people believe they have the right to snoop on their significant other's phone to see if they suspect something is up.

I would trust the other person enough not to have to do what is basically an unwarranted search. Just wondered what everyone else thinks.

[zebra]

Originally Posted by whitepearl

But if you are in a very healthy relationship with a significant other, is there an unwritten right for each other to secretly check on text messages and/or email?

That's a total no go. It's an unwritten law that it's forbidden!

Snooping around on my phone is an easy way to tick me off really good. I don't mind if my boyfriend takes calls for me or reads messages coming in, while I'm gone showering or something. But he needs my permission first. If I don't allow him to look into my mailbox or anywhere else, he really shouldn't do that. I don't snoop around either. Respecting each other's privacy is pretty important imo and if you really feel like you need to snoop around you don't trust me. And that's something I can't stand.

It's okay to go through things if you have the permission but checking messages and calls secretly is just kick-worthy.

"Say who's that Mike texting you?"
"A former coworker, honey *strangles*"

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by whitepearl

I brought this topic up because it came up on another discussion forum I post on.

Apparently some people believe they have the right to snoop on their significant other's phone to see if they suspect something is up.

I would trust the other person enough not to have to do what is basically an unwarranted search. Just wondered what everyone else thinks.

I don't find that healthy at all. The whole idea of having a relationship is that you trust that person enough to think that if something is going on, they'll come to you and talk about it. You snooping through their text messages is an invasion of privacy, and if you're really so worried about something in the relationship, you should ask them up front instead of going behind their backs.

[mindovermatter]

I agree with you @RadiantBeam, except that some people are chronically suspicious and nervous about being betrayed, but constantly asking your partner about it could be seen as mistrust, and break a couple up. If you want to relieve your nervousness without straining the relationship, I can see why some people would do it
I'm not saying it's ok to steal someones phone and look through the messages, but I could understand why someone would want to do it discretely without making an issue.
Having said that though, I would hope that anyone I'm with I can trust fully

[synaesthetic]

My phone is like my computer. Touch it and you die. I don't care who it is doing the touching.

[blissfullyunaware]

I also agree. I firmly believe trust and honesty are essential in any relationship and detest snooping. Open and honest communication is the key and if you don't believe your partner is giving you that then you probably shouldn't be together. Also, by not respecting their privacy, you are demonstrating a severe lack of faith in the relationship. No good can come from this.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by mindovermatter

I agree with you @RadiantBeam, except that some people are chronically suspicious and nervous about being betrayed, but constantly asking your partner about it could be seen as mistrust, and break a couple up. If you want to relieve your nervousness without straining the relationship, I can see why some people would do it
I'm not saying it's ok to steal someones phone and look through the messages, but I could understand why someone would want to do it discretely without making an issue.
Having said that though, I would hope that anyone I'm with I can trust fully

Yeah, but see, you assume that the person will be able to continue doing it without getting caught; sooner or later they will be walked in on, and the explosion will be legendary. The only reason my mom, for example, has gotten away with checking my sister's texts for so long is because I'm always the one who walks in on her while she's doing it, and I don't tell my sister about it because it's none of my business. But I do know that the day my sister walks in and sees her, I hope I'm out of the house.

[Samari]

Originally Posted by synaesthetic

My phone is like my computer. Touch it and you die. I don't care who it is doing the touching.

Agreed. Unless it's some beautiful girl that wants to give me her number.

[cheyannew]

Originally Posted by mindovermatter

I agree with you @RadiantBeam, except that some people are chronically suspicious and nervous about being betrayed, but constantly asking your partner about it could be seen as mistrust, and break a couple up. If you want to relieve your nervousness without straining the relationship, I can see why some people would do it
I'm not saying it's ok to steal someones phone and look through the messages, but I could understand why someone would want to do it discretely without making an issue.
Having said that though, I would hope that anyone I'm with I can trust fully

Meh; if you're that bloody paranoid about your partner, something is seriously wrong that snooping won't resolve, IMO.

Yeah, hubby and I know one another's email passwords; there's been times we'll need something and can't get to email ("Hey, my brother sent us pics, go nab them & print them out please" and the like). do we snoop? nah, why bother? I mean, he can just ask me whatever's on his mind, etc.

I have to say, him sneaking around and looking through my phone instead of just asking me would break us up faster than him asking haha

[Kaijo]

Suspicion will kill a relationship just as good as someone actively cheating.

Having said that, there are some very good cheaters out there, and it's entirely possible that you'll never find out unless you look. The key is to know your partner and have specific ground rules set.

For instance, if I go out, I'd let her know where I was going and approximately how long I might be gone, and make sure she has a way to contact me if she needs to. The main purpose being in case of an emergency, and if I'm gone too long, she can check up to see if I'm alright. But the side benefit is that it would allay suspicion.

The other major ground is to be someone who doesn't blow up and get made and make rash decisions upon an emotional moment. If I blow up at little things, people will be less likely to want to come to me with the truth. But if I cultivate an air that I can calmly and rationally discuss anything, then if she did something like have a one-night stand affair or were interested in someone else, she'd know she could come to me without me blowing up at her.

This can be hard for some to do, because humans are generally more emotional by nature. But I find the it pays off, because people will honestly and bluntly tell me things, knowing I won't get upset at them. Hell, I have a couple of friends that have had people blow them off because of various reasons. But I haven't yet, no matter how whiny or bad they might become at times (and they realize this, but are more emboldened because they know I won't abandon them).

In other news, in addition to the girl that's been flirting with me through IM's (although I haven't really responded to it), I've got someone at work who has been showing interest. Heard she's been asking a bit about me and she's real friendly towards me, but I didn't think anything of it. But she's asked me to lunch, and I thought, "why not?" Not sure anything will come of it, especially since I am very wary of getting involved with anyone, but I'll go with the flow for now, not really encouraging anything. I don't want to lead her on, but I don't want to outright ask her intentions, either, in case she really is just being friendly.

At this point, I think the most I could would be a short fling, anyway.

[Magin]

I have a question for y'all; or at least, I want to see what you guys have to say

Back in my first post on this thread (quite a few pages ago), I explained my current situation: dated a co=worker, had a lot of good times, but we eventually broke up because apparently things that were extremely private matters were getting out in the open. And even despite the break-up, we still have been working together, because finding a job around here... hard as all hell.

Anyways, it's been about 7 months since we broke up, and at this point, we're pretty good friends again. Hell, the other night I was even invited over to her place for the first time since the break-up, mostly to just talk and hang out as friends. Now tonight, I heard a rumor that. because she's going to be transferring to another section of where we work, that she is starting to very slowly consider perhaps get back together with me (in about a month)... she's had a couple relationships since me, and I also understand that the relationship she was in with me was either her second or third longest. Now, this is something I heard secondhand, and so I'm still very skeptical of it actually being true. But assuming that this is more than just a rumor, and in a month's time time it turns out to be real, should I even consider getting getting back with her, or should I go the route of "an ex is an ex for a reason"? About the biggest thing that's changed since then is that I've learned to keep certain information to myself, and also to really listen to people. As the immediate moment, I would like to hang out with her as a friends more often... hell, she even said that myself and another co-worker who she's very close friends with (this one is also a guy) are her Valentines for this year (a day that I also say is really Singles Awareness Day). Then there's the fact that she said "hey, whether I have a boyfriend or not, if you want to just hang as friends at my house, you just need to ask"

So... what do y'all think of this?

[Ricky Controversy]

Originally Posted by Magin

I have a question for y'all; or at least, I want to see what you guys have to say

Back in my first post on this thread (quite a few pages ago), I explained my current situation: dated a co=worker, had a lot of good times, but we eventually broke up because apparently things that were extremely private matters were getting out in the open. And even despite the break-up, we still have been working together, because finding a job around here... hard as all hell.

Anyways, it's been about 7 months since we broke up, and at this point, we're pretty good friends again. Hell, the other night I was even invited over to her place for the first time since the break-up, mostly to just talk and hang out as friends. Now tonight, I heard a rumor that. because she's going to be transferring to another section of where we work, that she is starting to very slowly consider perhaps get back together with me (in about a month)... she's had a couple relationships since me, and I also understand that the relationship she was in with me was either her second or third longest. Now, this is something I heard secondhand, and so I'm still very skeptical of it actually being true. But assuming that this is more than just a rumor, and in a month's time time it turns out to be real, should I even consider getting getting back with her, or should I go the route of "an ex is an ex for a reason"? About the biggest thing that's changed since then is that I've learned to keep certain information to myself, and also to really listen to people. As the immediate moment, I would like to hang out with her as a friends more often... hell, she even said that myself and another co-worker who she's very close friends with (this one is also a guy) are her Valentines for this year (a day that I also say is really Singles Awareness Day). Then there's the fact that she said "hey, whether I have a boyfriend or not, if you want to just hang as friends at my house, you just need to ask"

So... what do y'all think of this?

Well, you've said a lot about what she's saying and thinking, but comparatively little about what YOU are thinking. You want to hang out with her as a friend more often...great, but that could very well mean that you just want to be her friend and nothing else. First things first, don't let yourself get swept along by what other people are saying or thinking about it: figure out your own feelings.

Once you know that, then it's possible to proceed in a bit more detail.

[Kafriel]

an ex is an ex for a reason

Isn't the reason in your case technicalities and office gossip? If she transfers (and assuming it's ok for you to be in a relationship with her), I don't see what's wrong with getting back together, unless you want to be friends and nothing else. Now, since she's told you that you can hang around again, and you seem to like it, why not go for it? If you feel that you want to go further later on, you can always talk with her about it, no? Just be careful as to what you do until she gets transferred, even walls have ears...

Singles Awareness Day

SAD for short, that's so mean

[0utf0xZer0]

Originally Posted by Kafriel

SAD for short, that's so mean

Damn... now I'm feeling bad about trolling my anime/mahjong about how I was sharing a massive piece of chocolate cake with my girlfriend while surrounded by male nerds last time we went for dinner. In retrospect, it might have been a bad time of year.

I suppose I could always point out that its not like I have a harem or anything.

[SaintessHeart]

Originally Posted by 0utf0xZer0

Damn... now I'm feeling bad about trolling my anime/mahjong about how I was sharing a massive piece of chocolate cake with my girlfriend while surrounded by male nerds last time we went for dinner. In retrospect, it might have been a bad time of year.

I suppose I could always point out that its not like I have a harem or anything.

You are going to make her wear kemonomimi on this year's date, aren't you?

Originally Posted by Kafriel

SAD for short, that's so mean

Been celebrating it since 2000.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by 0utf0xZer0

I suppose I could always point out that its not like I have a harem or anything.

Not yet, anyway...

[Jinto]

Originally Posted by synaesthetic

My phone is like my computer. Touch it and you die. I don't care who it is doing the touching.

*touches your computer* Err, don't mind me.. I am just going to verify the transitive closure of your statement. That brings me to the most important question: what happens, when you touch it?

[synaesthetic]

The universe collapses upon itself!

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by synaesthetic

The universe collapses upon itself!

I thought that only happens when you try to divide by zero.

[whitepearl]

No, that might happen if I meet a girl and an actual relationship results.



I kid, I kid.