Nanoha FanFiction Discussion

[Kaijo]

Rough draft of MGLN Chapter 23 is ready. This was another pleasure to write, as it allowed me to finally put in some scenes that had in my head since near the beginning. Certain fans might be pleased at a particular scene (00-Raiser, RadiantBeam mebbe). ^_^

Previous parts can be found here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5455943/..._Nanoha_Crisis

Spoiler for MGLN Crisis Chapter 23: The Bonds We Share:

Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha Crisis
Chapter 23: The Bonds We Share



"This is incredible, Alicia!" Yuuno stated as he stared in awe. The library was easily almost as big as the Infinity Library, but spread out among three large levels; all that valuable lost knowledge could bring about much good. A thought struck him. "Wait, do you have a different name I should call you?"

"Alicia is fine," the hologram replied. "My designation is almost incomprehensible in this language. In simple terms, I am merely an aspect of the main computer."

He pulled out a nearby book, flipped through some pages, and then laughed. "Of course. The language is in the ancient dialect. I could barely comprehend the tidbits I had seen before."

"I can help," the program told him. "As I am also a caretaker of this library, I can download the language into your mind."

"Really?" Yuuno inquired, looking up at her, then froze as her eyes flashed many colors. The book slipped from his hand as his mind went blank.

"It has been many years since I had found someone who prized knowledge so much, Yuuno Scrya," Alicia stated, the information beginning to download into his brain. "I find it to be quite a pleasure. I would wish for you to stay with me, share this data, and add what you have learned to this storehouse of knowledge."

"That would bring me pleasure as well," Yuuno replied in a monotone voice.



Fate panted, allowing Arf, now in woman form, to support her. The pair had managed to duck into a single-story house after eliminating the batch of robots which had been sent against them. More would be on their way, but the pair hoped that they had eluded their robot foes for now.

"We need to find the others," Fate declared when her breathing slowed. "Odds are, they are in trouble as much as we were." She paused, catching a glimpse of a small gold-haired girl that vanished around a corner.

"But where do we..." Arf trailed off she caught Fate's expression, turning to see what she was looking at. "What is it?"

"I thought I saw..." she started to say, almost afraid to say it. Instead, she took off down the hall and turned the same corner. The girl floated there, translucent, and there was no denying what she looked like. "Alicia...."

"I want to meet you..." the floating girl said in a haunting voice, then drifted backwards through a wall and disappeared.

"Was that a ghost?" Arf asked, confused.

"Or a hologram," Fate offered, turning to head back to the front door, trying to consider the implications. "I wonder if mother actually did it...."

"You think she's trying to lead us to Precia?" the Guardian Beast inquired, sounding like the old Arf again.

"I don't know," Fate replied, stepping out the front door and circling the house. But there was no sign of the girl.

Then there was a bright flash in the far distance, followed shortly by the ground shaking a bit under their feet. Fate's narrowed; she recognized that sort of flash and what it meant.

She quickly took the air, Arf following in hot pursuit.



Ginga's spinning drill-knuckle penetrated the barrier of the type-2 robot easily, destroying it. She continued past and circled back around to the shelter she was guarding. Their forces were spread thin already, so there was only herself and a squad of four Rank A mages left guarding this one. And the robot forces were beginning to break through the defensive lines all across the city.

Something had to change soon.

"Officer Nakajima, more incoming!" one of the mages shouted, beginning to fire. The other three joined in, and managed to down a type-1.

"I told you to call me Ginga!" she shouted, activating her wing road to head up and meet the assault.

There were still two type-1s and and three type-2s coming. She leapt off her road and slammed into one from above, destroying it, but cursed as the other four continued on. She knew she'd never be able to stop them all, and neither would those mages. They were bravely and calming firing, however, taking down another type-1. But they were about to get slaughtered.

And then a large energy blast came out of nowhere and obliterated the two type-2s in one shot. Ginga followed the beam trail back to it's source, eyes widening in surprise as she saw Dieci wave from the top of a building in the distance. And below her, Nove was charging in at full speed, carrying Cinque on her back. The remaining type-1 took to the sky, but Nove went up after it on her Airliner IS, and Cinque finished it off with several exploding daggers.

"Nove!" Ginga exclaimed. "Cinque! You guys came!"

"Of course we came!" Nove told her, as they rendezvoused back at the shelter. "You think you could have this much fun without us?"

"Due to the emergency situation, Father was able to allow us to enter combat," Cinque stated. "We relieved the defensive line farther up to go shore up the southern front." She brandished another pair of daggers in her right hand. "We shall help you protect this shelter."

Ginga smiled and nodded, as Dieci came up and saluted. "Nakajima family reporting for duty."

"If that's the case, where is Wendi?" Ginga asked, not seeing the last sister other than Subaru.

Nove grinned. "She's got some special orders."



"You can't be serious!" the commander of the facility said, staring at the piece of paper in his hands. "You have any idea who we have here?"

Wendi nodded. "I do. But as you can see, those orders are from Colonel Nakajima himself. The current state of emergency grants him additional powers in order to help defend the city from attack."

The commander sighed. "Very well, I hope you know what you're getting yourself into." He turned around and entered a code in the panel, the door sliding open.

The three figures inside looked up at their new arrival, and one of them spoke: "My my, I didn't think I'd be seeing you, out of all people."



"Phantom Blazer!" Teana shouted, her guns side-by-side producing a large orange buster-like beam. One of the tentacle robots was smashed against the wall by the force of the blast, then the shield failed and it exploded.

Subaru smiled, glad that she had bought enough time for Tea to charge up that attack. The robot's were surprisingly not very intelligent, but they were highly annoying. Especially for her, since the many appendages made it difficult to get in close.

Then the whole city seemed to shake, and the remaining robot paused briefly. Subaru didn't know what to make it of it, but it gave her the opening she needed, and she charged in. It came out of its brief stupor a second too late; Subaru's knuckle smashed into it at full speed, not even encountering the shield.

The cyborg came out the other side and did a turn to come back around, then stopped. "Now that's what I'm talking about!" She paused. "Did you feel that shake?"

Tea nodded. "We won't know what's going on until we get topside again. Let's move before anymore of those things show up."

Subaru agreed and the two took off.



"Unwetterform!" Strada announced, crackling with energy as it changed to Thunderform.

Erio leapt into the air, coming down upon the nearest mostly-finished robot as it stepped off the belt to attack. "Thunder Rage!"

Electrical bolts showered the immediate area as his target was split in half, giving Caro time to summon Adelinde. The emerald dragon began to beat it's wings rapidly, blowing the advancing section of finished robots back.

"Fried, Blast Flare!" she commanded, the little dragon adding firepower to in the same direction.

"We need to get out of here!" Erio shouted to her, stepping back into her barrier shield as it absorbed the increasing battery of energy blasts.

"There's too many!" Caro shouted, straining to hold up her shield.

"Then I'll grab their attention and clear a path," he told her, lowering his spear. "Strada!"

"Zanber form!" it chirped, popping a couple of cartridges as the shaft shrunk and the sides of the spear collapsed inward. A golden blade extended, crackling with electricity. "Sonic Move!"

Erio shot out of the shield, slicing through several robots and ending up on the far side of the room. Another swing took out a couple more before they turned their attention to him. He put up a triangle shield with his left hand to block several energy blasts as he ran, but one clipped his right leg, sending him tumbling along the ground. Before he came to a stop, he activated Strada's boosters, sending him shooting forward along the ground, blade first, impaling another.

Caro felt her barrier beginning to break as Fried toasted another group, but Adelinde began to fly rapidly around her, setting up a mighty tornado shield. Seeing they might get overrun, she began blasting the machinery pumping out the half-finished robots with Shooting Ray.

She felt they actually might get through this, when one of the walls was blasted outward. Huge robots, bigger than any she had seen before, came through the large holes in the wall. Without regard for their brethren, the four-legged monstrosities fired their large arm beam cannons, barely missing Erio, but the force of the blast sending him flying across the room.

"No!" Caro shouted, realizing she they only had one chance left at this, and began to chant. "Glorious howl which pierces the heavens, that which will forever protect a distant land; come to my side, O black flame that is the land's protector. Dragon Knight Summon: Thunderous Roar of the Heavens."

Her voice rose to a crescendo. "Come forth, Voltaire!"



There was only one way out of this, Nanoha realized as the current Precia-bot crumbled under her ACS Strike Flame charge. Dropping to the ground, she quickly worked to gather magic, aiming up at the mid-level door. Sure enough, the first Precia-bot emerged ten seconds later, and was immediately ensnared by her delayed bind spell.

The TSAB Ace knew she only had a few more seconds before the second appeared. She prayed it would be enough as the large ball of magical energy gathered in front of her.

"Starlight Breaker!" she shouted, firing.

The blast of energy overwhelmed the bound robot, but went further, blasting through the shield and wall. It continued on, impacting the city's outer bubble shield. Much of the initial force was taken by the dome's shield, so the outer bubble merely rippled and distorted temporarily. Still, the city's power level seemed to flicker slightly and the ground shook, as it sought to restore balance.

Nanoha wasn't aware of this so much, as she was concerned with flying rapidly out through her newly-created hole. She managed to clear it a split second before the electric attack from the second Precia-bot struck. She worked to gain altitude as she prepared her next move, turning and aiming back as multiple Precia-bots began to pour from the hole.

"Barrel Shot," Raging Heart announced, firing the built up ball of invisible binding energy. A half-dozen or so bots were frozen around the hole.

"Excelion Buster, Force Burst," Nanoha called, dumping four cartridges as the energy ball built up. "Break... SHOOT!"

The energy ball exploded into multiple tendrils of magic, spiraling down towards the hole in the dome. The entire group of Preca-bots were vaporized in the path of the multiple beams, a second before the entire structure exploded. When the smoke cleared, all that remained was an extremely deep crater. Whatever factory there was gone as well. Or at least she hoped as Raging Heart vented steam and her Axel fin wings flickered from the magic drain.

She sensed the attack at the last moment, jerking to the side. The thin electric stream speared her upper right arm instead of her chest, but as she turned, she took the full brunt of a larger saturation beam. Her barrier shattered and she began to fall, her barrier jacket torn in a dozen places.

Her clouding vision could make out the two Precia's above her, twin visages of anger and malice plainly evident. And they were charging for another attack.

Suddenly she found herself in someone's arms, as the two Precia-bots separated to avoid Fate's Zanbar swing, but one of them was chopping in half anyway. Looking up, Nanoha noted that it was Arf who had caught her, and was now setting her down. on the street.

"Sorry we were late," Arf told her. "A lot has happened. Don't worry, Fate will take care of those."

She nodded, feeling her strength returning a bit, focusing her magic on her arm wound to close it up and heal the damage. "I'll be okay in a bit. Just tell Fate that they are robots, although Precia's personality seems to be imprinted on them, or she's controlling them somehow."

"I will," Arf replied, then took off as both girls noted that the last robot had been joined by two more.

Nanoha pulled herself to her feet, looking for a good place to rest up for a bit. She knew Fate should be able to handle herself with Arf for support, so she focused on gaining some recovery time.

That's when Raging heart spoke up. "Wide Area Search successful."



Fate clashed with the Precia-bots, barely able to hold her own against three skilled targets. These were way tougher than the previous robots she had faced; she also had to focus hard to resist Precia's taunting.

"It appears you've learned a few tricks in the past 10 years or so," the robot who held her mother's visage noted. "But I was the one who taught you most of your tricks. I am a master at your magical style."

The remaining three Precia's converted their staves to electric whips, crackling with golden magical power. Despite herself, Fate experienced a momentary wash of childhood fear, having a deeply personal memory of those lashes.

"Fate..." Arf whispered, glancing in worry at the girl. "We can take them!"

"I'm no longer the person you knew back then!" Fate shouted, enraged, charging in.

The middle Precia fired off several photon lancers, while the other two flew forward. Fate swung her large sword, but one of the Precia-bots deliberately shot forward and blocked it with her whip, while the second snagged Fate's ankle with her. Fate screamed as magical voltage shot through her.

Arf shifted to wolf form and let loose a storm of orange magical bolts, then charged in. The bot that had been blocking Fate's sword, shifted over and put up a Round Shield to deflect the shots, while the one hanging back fired another round of photon lancers. The Guardian Beast took the attack head on, then charged out of the resulting smoke to send a half a dozen chains out to snag the two forward bots, but found her leg had been grabbed by the third's whip.

Fate cracked her eye open at Arf's roar of pain, the hand holding Bardiche grasping tighter. [Not... Arf!] Fighting against the pain, she surged forward, impaling the bot that had Arf held. Precia had a look of surprise for the one second before her released internal energies blew her apart.

Arf wasted no time in surging forward, biting down on the arm holding the whip that held Fate's ankle. Both remaining Precia's backed off, one of them watching the arm that held the whip begin the long descent to the ground. Snarling, the unharmed one took off, while the damaged one began firing bolts.

"Go after the other!" Arf shouted, charging the damaged bot. "I can handle this one!"

Fate nodded, her face determined, as she took off after the the last Precia robot.



Vita panted, having just slammed another type-2 drone into the pavement. But the real issue was the type-3 that was approaching the shelter, flanked by many more type-2s and type-1s.

"This is too much, even for us," Zafira told her, baring his fangs. "Though I am loathe to admit it."

"Shut up!" Vita told him. "None of these damn robots are getting by us!"

"Captain Vita, we should fall back with the other defensive forces!" one of the nearby mages told her. "We can't hold this line!"

She pointed her hammer at him, without even turning. "We hold this line! The lives of the people in the shelters behind us are our responsibility! You louts and Zafira take the little ones; the big one is mine! Graf Eisen!"

Jawhol!" it replied, growing in size. "Gigantform!"

The type-1s and type-2s dove to the attack as the mid-childan-style mages began to fire. Zafira and the Belkan-style mages engaged when they hit the defensive line, as Vita launched into the sky towards the type-3. It began firing but she skillfully dodged between the attacks and swung sideways, the extremely large hammer batting the target through several buildings to land on its side.

"Zerstörungform!" Graf Eisen chirped in response to Vita's mental command, consuming several cartridges. A large drill formed on one end and a rocket fired from the other.

Before it could recover, Vita leapt up and swung the huge rocket drill down. For a moment the shield stopped the attack.

"BREAK THROUGH IT!" Vita shouted her demand.

Cracks started to appear on the bubble, and the drill finally went through, smashing the large centaur-robot and causing it to explode. Vita panted, floating backwards to assess the situation, as her hammer returned to normal size.

Almost immediately, frantic calls started coming through her communicator, from a male commander Vita had met once or twice before. "To anyone who can hear me! This is Captain Johannes Ulrich of the 74th battalion in western section 11! The drones are starting to kidnap my men, and they've broken through into one of the shelters. I need backup!"

Vita turned turned as more shouts sounded behind her, staring in shock as some of the robots were starting to grab some of the unconscious or unmoving mage troops and retreat to the sky with them.

"What in the hell is going on!?" she cursed aloud.



"Oh, I understand now!" came a familiar excited voice from inside. "The ancients were mostly isolationists, keeping to their own planet, but were forced to become anonymous nomads after they lost their home."

Nanoha walked farther into the building Raging Heart had directed her to, her head rising to trace the sound of the voice. "Yuuno-kun?"

"They wanted to destroy Alhazard, but the head scientist helped hide it between dimensions, instead!" the archeologists continued to speak aloud, as if he didn't hear her call. "But why did they sacrifice their entire planet to try and destroy it? And what's this experiment that the city contained?"

Nanoha followed the sound of the voice, floating up to the second level, ending up between two large book shelves. "Yuuno!"

He didn't even turn to look at her. "I'm learning so much here, Nanoha! Unfulfilled history can now be filled in! As I suspected, this is a treasure trove of lost knowledge. I must learn everything I can!"

She ran up to him, placing her hand on his shoulder. "Yuuno-kun? Can't it wait? Our friends are in trouble! They need our help!"

He pulled his shoulder out of her grasp, still not looking at her. "They will be fine, but this can't wait!" He began flipping through another book.

"What's the matter with you?" Nanoha, reaching both hands up this time to grab both his shoulders and turn him towards her. She was struck by the strange look in his eyes; as if he was barely focused on the present.

"Let go!" he told her, pushing her away and returning to his book. "I have more work to do."

"He's mine," a soft voice told the girl. "Never have I met such an individual with a thirst for knowledge."

Nanoha turned to see a young girl suddenly standing beside her. "Alicia!? What is going on?"

"I am the city's main computer, and the caretaker of this library," the girl replied. "Long have I been alone, and none before had what this man does. He shall learn everything, and share the vast amount of knowledge he has, adding it unto my own."

"Now listen here...!" Nanoha said, trying to grab the girl, her hand passing through, realizing it was just a hologram. "Yuuno is our friend; we need him!" She walked up to the boy and grabbed his arm. "Fate and Arf are out there fighting alone! They need our help! Our friends need us!"

He yanked it out of her grasp and continued to read. Frustrated, she wound up and attempted to slap him to his senses, but in a quick surprising move, he knocked her hand aside and roughly shoved her away. And still he continued to read.

"I told you, he is mine," the Alicia-hologram told her. "I have given him the key and heightened his desire."

Nanoha stared at Yuuno in shock, then determination returned as she raised her staff. "I'm sorry, Yuuno, but I need to do this to bring you back to us."

She closed her eyes as a single tear leaked out, then fired. But Yuuno simply raised a hand and produced a shield, completely blocking the attack. Nanoha shut off the beam, realizing that it wouldn't work. Maybe if she used all her power, she could break through his barriers, but she couldn't risk doing that just yet.

"Give him back!" Nanoha shouted at the program, another tear leaking out. "All this knowledge is pointless unless it's shared with the world! We can't do that if we're all killed here!"

The Alicia-hologram looked at her, some interest present on her otherwise emotionless face, as if considering her words. "I'm afraid that isn't possible. Once I have his data, I will evaluate the possibility to determine if the time is right for the return of this knowledge. Even I cannot stop his heightened desire for information right now. Only when he has absorbed everything, will it end."

"I can't wait that long!" Nanoha told her, turning back to the engrossed archeologist, then setting Raging Heart down and taking slow steps towards the boy. "Yuuno, I know you. You shared your knowledge with me back on that day, and in doing so, gave me something precious. Even you know that knowledge is pointless without friends to share it with.

She came to stand next to him, wondering if his reading had slowed or if it was her imagination. "We're all waiting for you to come back to us. All your friends. Me, Fate, Arf, Hayate, everyone! So please...."

His fingers slowly turned a page as Nanoha built up her courage, remembering certain particular words Alicia had said, praying this would work. If it not, she didn't know what else she could do. Her heart began to speed up as she realized what she was about to do, and what it meant.

In one quick move, she stepped in front of him, took his face in her hands and pressed her lips up against his.

Yuuno seemed to freeze in front of her, but perhaps she was just feeling time itself come to a stop. Then she felt him begin to kiss back, and the book he was holding slipped out of his hands, dropping to the floor.

Nanoha eventually pulled back to look into his eyes, her cheeks burning. "Yuuno?"

His eyes seemed to slowly come back into focus. "Na... noha?" He stared at her in wonder, then his face dropped. "I'm... sorry, Nanoha. I think I got a bit carried away."

Her hands still on his cheeks, she lifted his head again. "It's okay; that's what your friends are here for." In a slightly quieter voice, she added, "That's what I'm here for."

"I don't understand," the Alicia program stated in a flat voice, breaking them both out of the moment. "How did you cancel the hypnosis conditioning?"

Both humans blushed, then Yuuno spoke up. "I'm sorry, Alicia. It would take too much time to explain now, and I need to go help my friends. I'm grateful for what you've done for me, and I would like to get to know you better, and return to share knowledge. If you want to understand, then come with us."

She appeared to consider that, then nodded. "I shall. It appears there is something in human emotions that I still do not fully comprehend. This could be critical information."

Nanoha pulled away and picked up her staff. "Fate and Arf are in danger, and I still don't know where the Strikers are."

He nodded, smiling. "Right, let's go!"



Fate landed on the steps. The large royal-looking building in front of her was where the Precia-bot had disappeared into. And by her calculations, it was about in the center of the city. If she was right, this was where the real Precia would be hiding out. Apparently, her mother wanted a direct confrontation now as well.

Gathering her courage, she climbed the last steps, but then stopped at the small figure in front of the door.

"You're here..." the hologram that looked like Alicia said, smiling, reaching out to her. "I want to meet you... please!"

Fate held out her hand, but the words died on her lips as the hologram faded away. What was going on? Was that really her dead sister? Or just another trick by Precia? [There's only one way to find out.]

She pushed the wooden doors open and stepped inside. A red carpet connected the doors she had just come through, with another pair directly ahead. A black and white checkered marble floor covered the room, and a pair of winding marble staircases to the right and left twisted up to a second level. An ornate chandelier hung from the ceiling, providing more than enough light. It was almost as if she had stepped into the foyer of a rich person's house.

Ignoring that for now, she walked straight ahead to the second set of doors, slightly ajar. Entering the even larger room beyond, her visage hardened.

"Welcome at last, my wayward daughter," Precia Testerossa told her, smiling, sitting on a throne on a raised podium at the other end. A second Precia stood at the base of the podium. "As you may suspect, I am the real thing. I've been looking forward to your visit for sometime."

"Is sister really here!?" a voice asked from off to the side. The owner, wearing a pretty, flowered, summer dress, promptly ran in and hugged her mother while studying Fate.

"Yes, my dear Alicia," Precia told her, leaning down to pet her daughter's head, smiling warmly. "This is your sister, Fate Testerossa." Her smile widened even more. "Now we can truly be a real family again!"

Fate could only stare in shock.



Author's notes:

I hope everyone enjoying reading this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it! The Library scenes and the Alicia program had been clearly in my head almost since I started outlining this fic.

Caro haxxors. It's kinda hard writing around her because of Voltaire. It's almost like an "I win" button. But don't get me wrong, I love her to pieces. And I think you all knew he had to come out sometime, so the trick was delaying things long enough until that point. :P

I wanna provide a shout-out to Nijiru and thank him for the use of Johannes Lucius Ulrich, who we'll see a bit more of in the next chapter or two, possibly. :P

Lastly, I partially had the sigs of 00-Raiser and RadiantBeam in my head as I wrote that particular scene (since Yuuno in that sig looks surprised to be kissed)

[00-Raiser]

Originally Posted by Kaijo

Lastly, I partially had the sigs of 00-Raiser and RadiantBeam in my head as I wrote that particular scene (since Yuuno in that sig looks surprised to be kissed)

Whoo! Wonder sig powers, activate!

Loved it!

... Now I have to actually read the other chapters

[TheShinySword]

Originally Posted by 00-Raiser

Whoo! Wonder sig powers, activate!

Loved it!

... Now I have to actually read the other chapters

FORM OF
A yuunoha fanfic!

not that I have one to offer...

I've been writing a lot lately but I keep hitting roadblocks D:

[synaesthetic]

Originally Posted by al103

Thing is - i don't understand why should it be darker while you could already play with dark tones in it.

PS. @synaesthetic "They are not evil, they are just selfish stupid bureaucrats" don't work because selfish stupid bureaucrats ARE evil. Also when you "make darker and edgier" it is by definition adding kill-count just for the sake of kill-count and not plot.

Okay, okay, perhaps I misspoke. Everyone assumes Darker and Edgier is a disparaging term these days anyway.

I look at something like this, and I wanted to make some real consequences for things, and seriously in a story like this, I'm kind of fond of heroes being heroic and villains being villainous. The Nineties Anti-Hero trope gets kind of old, and I find sympathetic villains to be tired and overplayed.

Nanoha already fits the role of a classical fantasy hero already. She's a good person with a good heart who fights for good. I've always been a fan of villains who are unabashedly evil--Ali Al-Saachez from Gundam 00 is a great example.

You're overreacting concerning the TSAB. I'm just trying to make them make sense, not turn them into corrupt Strawman Politicals (which canon did a good job of doing itself with the High Council/Regius in season three).

Yuuno should have reported the lost Jewel Seeds to the TSAB; he did not, instead opting to recover them himself. Chrono even said in canon that it was a stupid and dangerous decision.

I can definitely see the agency being more than a little annoyed by this fact.

tl;dr version: You get killed when you die.

[Kaijo]

Originally Posted by TheShinySword

FORM OF
A yuunoha fanfic!

not that I have one to offer...

I've been writing a lot lately but I keep hitting roadblocks D:

I actually hit a block on Crisis many chapters ago. Best thing I've found in those casis, is just to write something, anything. Even if it's bad stilted dialogue and action. Looking at a blank section turns my mind blank, but once I can fill it with something, it becomes easier to edit and change things.

But I suppose each person has their own ways of dealing with it.^^

Originally Posted by synaesthetic

Okay, okay, perhaps I misspoke. Everyone assumes Darker and Edgier is a disparaging term these days anyway.

I look at something like this, and I wanted to make some real consequences for things, and seriously in a story like this, I'm kind of fond of heroes being heroic and villains being villainous. The Nineties Anti-Hero trope gets kind of old, and I find sympathetic villains to be tired and overplayed.

Nanoha already fits the role of a classical fantasy hero already. She's a good person with a good heart who fights for good. I've always been a fan of villains who are unabashedly evil--Ali Al-Saachez from Gundam 00 is a great example.

You're overreacting concerning the TSAB. I'm just trying to make them make sense, not turn them into corrupt Strawman Politicals (which canon did a good job of doing itself with the High Council/Regius in season three).

Yuuno should have reported the lost Jewel Seeds to the TSAB; he did not, instead opting to recover them himself. Chrono even said in canon that it was a stupid and dangerous decision.

I can definitely see the agency being more than a little annoyed by this fact.

tl;dr version: You get killed when you die.

Well, obviously writing something "dark and edgy" just to be "dark and edgy" is kind of a bad reason. Which is what I believe he's saying. However, I think a better way to put it is not in broad terms. If a particular scene calls for a darker moment because of the plot, then that's fine. Most fics who have these are generally referred to as dark. At least, that's how I like to look at fics; not as a general broad swipe of the brush, but applying the terms to the scenes themselves.

Most "lighter" fandom universes do at least hint at possible bad things, but stray away from them, and it's usually part of the message: Good can triumph if you keep believing and try your best. But on the sliding scale of idealism vs. cynicism, it is plausible for the "real world" to not be so nice, and idealism is okay, but it shouldn't make you blind. This is where it sounds like you are going.

Lastly, as a personal choice, I don't like antagonists to be evil just to be evil. Although psychosis and sociopathy are very real, I at least like to ground things in a real reason. Jail had quite the flair and was entertaining, but I would have liked more of a backstory for him. I actually like conflicts like A's more, where there is moral ambiguity. I could easily see things swinging there, if the knights had been killing people, maybe Nanoha being forced to kill Vita, per se, if she couldn't find a way to peacefully stop her without Vita harming more.

Anyway, random thoughts.

[synaesthetic]

If I'm blocked and I try to write it comes out worse than something by stephanie meyer. *shudders*

[00-Raiser]

Take a shower. That usually kills writer's block for me. That, or actually getting some sleep for once x.x

[synaesthetic]

Originally Posted by Kaijo

Well, obviously writing something "dark and edgy" just to be "dark and edgy" is kind of a bad reason. Which is what I believe he's saying. However, I think a better way to put it is not in broad terms. If a particular scene calls for a darker moment because of the plot, then that's fine. Most fics who have these are generally referred to as dark. At least, that's how I like to look at fics; not as a general broad swipe of the brush, but applying the terms to the scenes themselves.

Most "lighter" fandom universes do at least hint at possible bad things, but stray away from them, and it's usually part of the message: Good can triumph if you keep believing and try your best. But on the sliding scale of idealism vs. cynicism, it is plausible for the "real world" to not be so nice, and idealism is okay, but it shouldn't make you blind. This is where it sounds like you are going.

Lastly, as a personal choice, I don't like antagonists to be evil just to be evil. Although psychosis and sociopathy are very real, I at least like to ground things in a real reason. Jail had quite the flair and was entertaining, but I would have liked more of a backstory for him. I actually like conflicts like A's more, where there is moral ambiguity. I could easily see things swinging there, if the knights had been killing people, maybe Nanoha being forced to kill Vita, per se, if she couldn't find a way to peacefully stop her without Vita harming more.

Anyway, random thoughts.

I dunno. The tone is darker. A lot of wallbangers for me throughout the series are corrected (the TSAB's utterly bizarre behavior for a government agency being a big one). People actually die when they get killed. Beam spam can seriously injure. Precia and Alicia's reasons for being evil are different than in canon, but no less compelling. The Power of Friendship/Love is not as strong.

One of my biggest gripes about lighter series is that in absence of bad stuff happening, characters don't get a whole lot of development. Canon Nanoha hasn't really changed much in the 10 years between season one and the end of season three. One of the biggest reasons Teana is my favorite Nanoha character of all time is because she gets more character development than... pretty much anyone.

Bad stuff happens to Teana. She makes some stupid decisions. More bad stuff happens to her, then some good stuff happens to her. She learns from her mistakes and matures as a character.

Hayate probably got a lot of development too, but we don't see any of it because she goes from Moe Moe Ill Girl in A's to The Ace/Mission Control in StrikerS with no real explanation.

So I suppose I should say, instead of Darker and Edgier, that this is MGLN with the god mode cheat turned off, less hot blood and more character development.

[TheShinySword]

Definitely don't say Darker and Edgier, that turns people off right there. That is a term with negative connotation, if it's Darker and Edgier the immediate reaction is "So you're throwing in junk for the purpose of seeming serious?" . The best thing is to let the piece speak for itself without telling people what it's supposed to be.

[Kaijo]

Originally Posted by synaesthetic

I dunno. The tone is darker. A lot of wallbangers for me throughout the series are corrected (the TSAB's utterly bizarre behavior for a government agency being a big one). People actually die when they get killed. Beam spam can seriously injure. Precia and Alicia's reasons for being evil are different than in canon, but no less compelling. The Power of Friendship/Love is not as strong.

TSAB acting different is certainly plausible, as there is sufficient material to suggest things (Regius/Jail/brain council for starters).

Beam spam, not so sure. Part of magic I saw, that was a mage was capable of using a "stun" setting, as it were, with regard to humanoids. Although Vice blasting the eye of that one girl certainly already indicates a certain danger. But I suppose in an AU, one could simplify magic beams into just pure force beams.

As for dying, I'll repeat one of my most-loved sayings: "No one ever dies in sci-fi." Just because anyone can come back as a clone, or alternate-reality self, or their death was staged to look very real with extreme technology/magic for some reason. Or they come back as some sort of ghost. So I guess death in sci-fi series doesn't have quite the same impact for me.

As a contrast to "real life" series without any sci-fi, like a detective drama, or a historical piece, where death is pretty much final, so has more impact. But it is certainly plausible to kill someone and not do anything to bring any semblance of them back in a sci-fi series. Just saying, for me, death in a sci-fi series has less impact, just because I've been around the block and can see the ways in which something might not be final.

One of my biggest gripes about lighter series is that in absence of bad stuff happening, characters don't get a whole lot of development. Canon Nanoha hasn't really changed much in the 10 years between season one and the end of season three. One of the biggest reasons Teana is my favorite Nanoha character of all time is because she gets more character development than... pretty much anyone.

Nanoha overdoing it is a pretty big one. She was out for a couple of years and they weren't even sure she was gonna end up walking again. Fate got abused and whipped up enough that there are scars on her back. Hayate saw her family killed before her eyes. So there are things happening. And it certainly hits the emotional spot when they happen (Hey, I cried watching Hayate's family get whacked in front of her, feeling her pain^^;.

Hayate probably got a lot of development too, but we don't see any of it because she goes from Moe Moe Ill Girl in A's to The Ace/Mission Control in StrikerS with no real explanation.

Agree there. We have 10 years, for plenty of room to write things that could change a character's outlook. I suppose it opens up areas for fanfiction, tho.

So I suppose I should say, instead of Darker and Edgier, that this is MGLN with the god mode cheat turned off, less hot blood and more character development.

I'd just simple say "MGLN with a more reality-based approach." Not everything is hunky-dory in real life, and not everything works out the way we want them to, no matter how hard we wish. Given the absence of "stun" level magic, Nanoha could be very much forced to kill someone, accidental or not. Like Precia(and/or Alicia), to prevent her from doing something that would harm others. That would be a believable stretch, and force some interesting character development.

But I'd have to disagree that there wasn't much character development in the original series; just different than what you're proposing. It's the whole "escapism vs. realism" debate, I suppose. =)

[00-Raiser]

Originally Posted by Kaijo

Beam spam, not so sure. Part of magic I saw, that was a mage was capable of using a "stun" setting, as it were, with regard to humanoids. Although Vice blasting the eye of that one girl certainly already indicates a certain danger. But I suppose in an AU, one could simplify magic beams into just pure force beams.

I always found the magic in Nanoha a little weird because of this. I mean, Nanoha's Blaster mode Divine Buster can bust through hundreds of armoured walls of an ancient battleship, yet it only knocks out Quattro. Or Hayate's Diabolic Emission, which apparently should have harmed Quattro and Dieci, yet it left all the buildings in tact.

Vice shot his sister in the eye, and that's a pretty vulnerable area regardless, so it's no surprise it damaged her when I assume it was intended to knock the criminal out.

Anyways, it makes more sense in synaesthetic's fic. I mean, just look at Bardiche! That's one nasty looking energy blade it sports! That sucker could definitely slice some one's head off.

[synaesthetic]

Originally Posted by TheShinySword

Definitely don't say Darker and Edgier, that turns people off right there. That is a term with negative connotation, if it's Darker and Edgier the immediate reaction is "So you're throwing in junk for the purpose of seeming serious?" . The best thing is to let the piece speak for itself without telling people what it's supposed to be.

I never really considered Darker and Edgier or Lighter and Softer to be negative... just tropes like any other. The can be used or misused accordingly.

But I see where you're coming from.

Originally Posted by Kaijo

TSAB acting different is certainly plausible, as there is sufficient material to suggest things (Regius/Jail/brain council for starters).

Agreed.

Originally Posted by Kaijo

Beam spam, not so sure. Part of magic I saw, that was a mage was capable of using a "stun" setting, as it were, with regard to humanoids. Although Vice blasting the eye of that one girl certainly already indicates a certain danger. But I suppose in an AU, one could simplify magic beams into just pure force beams.

"Stun" setting really stretches credibility when you see the very same Wave Motion Gun destroy bridges, reduce buildings to rubble and create enormous craters in the ground--but leave only a few scuff marks on the targeted mage.

Yes, the Barrier Jacket/Knight Armor is a potent defense, along with autoguards, barriers and shielding spells, but if a beam can blast a building apart, it should do the same thing to an unprotected human body.

For instance, Nanoha's CMOA Starlight Breaker on Quattro seriously should have ruined her shit after blasting through several decks of a massive Star Destroyer-sized battleship, but all it did was knock her out.

Originally Posted by Kaijo

As for dying, I'll repeat one of my most-loved sayings: "No one ever dies in sci-fi." Just because anyone can come back as a clone, or alternate-reality self, or their death was staged to look very real with extreme technology/magic for some reason. Or they come back as some sort of ghost. So I guess death in sci-fi series doesn't have quite the same impact for me.

I've seen plenty of sci-fi where death is final. These tend to be harder on the sci-fi scale, though, and I'll admit freely that Nanoha is definitely squishy sci-fi. But even soft sci-fi can have perma-death if the tone fits or there's horror elements (i.e. System Shock, Dead Space).

Originally Posted by Kaijo

As a contrast to "real life" series without any sci-fi, like a detective drama, or a historical piece, where death is pretty much final, so has more impact. But it is certainly plausible to kill someone and not do anything to bring any semblance of them back in a sci-fi series. Just saying, for me, death in a sci-fi series has less impact, just because I've been around the block and can see the ways in which something might not be final.

It really depends on the sci-fi in question, I think. And writers can sometimes catch you by surprise, too. I never thought Kamina would bite the big one in TTGL, but not only does it work, it works amazingly well--Simon comes into his own as the main character and gets plenty of development as a result.

Originally Posted by Kaijo

Nanoha overdoing it is a pretty big one. She was out for a couple of years and they weren't even sure she was gonna end up walking again. Fate got abused and whipped up enough that there are scars on her back. Hayate saw her family killed before her eyes. So there are things happening. And it certainly hits the emotional spot when they happen (Hey, I cried watching Hayate's family get whacked in front of her, feeling her pain^^;.

Nanoha overdoing it was stressed heavily during the training episodes at the beginning of season three, then thrown out the window when Nanoha's in the Cradle whittling her life away with the Blaster System. Bit of a wallbanger there.

Originally Posted by Kaijo

Agree there. We have 10 years, for plenty of room to write things that could change a character's outlook. I suppose it opens up areas for fanfiction, tho.

FFT needs more Hayate-centric fics.

Originally Posted by Kaijo

I'd just simple say "MGLN with a more reality-based approach." Not everything is hunky-dory in real life, and not everything works out the way we want them to, no matter how hard we wish. Given the absence of "stun" level magic, Nanoha could be very much forced to kill someone, accidental or not. Like Precia(and/or Alicia), to prevent her from doing something that would harm others. That would be a believable stretch, and force some interesting character development.

That's my goal, but saying "MGLN with realism" gets just as much hate. How many times do I have to say it's an AU before people stop complaining about how I'm not following canon? ^^;

[TheShinySword]

Originally Posted by synaesthetic

I never really considered Darker and Edgier or Lighter and Softer to be negative... just tropes like any other. The can be used or misused accordingly.

But I see where you're coming from.

I'm just giving you a bit of advice you can see what calling it Darker and Edgier got you.

Trope or not the point is about the term not the trope. The trope can be used or misused, the term should never ever be used. It just sounds stupid (the term not the trope).

Originally Posted by synaesthetic

That's my goal, but saying "MGLN with realism" gets just as much hate. How many times do I have to say it's an AU before people stop complaining about how I'm not following canon? ^^;

Exactly why you shouldn't call it anything.

[Kaijo]

We agree on most stuff, so just gonna hit a couple of points.

Originally Posted by synaesthetic

"Stun" setting really stretches credibility when you see the very same Wave Motion Gun destroy bridges, reduce buildings to rubble and create enormous craters in the ground--but leave only a few scuff marks on the targeted mage.

I just see that as it being magic. A mage being able to mentally set "okay, this will hit inorganic things in this way, and stun humanoids." And being able to do it differently with the same spell, depending on situation; all set up as part of the "casting prep time." But it's only my own rationalization theory. :P

Nanoha overdoing it was stressed heavily during the training episodes at the beginning of season three, then thrown out the window when Nanoha's in the Cradle whittling her life away with the Blaster System. Bit of a wallbanger there.

This goes back to what Signum said in that meeting with the forwards. "There are times when overdoing it is acceptable." Nanoha overdoing it in Seasons 1 and 2 were acceptable, but after that, she should have taken it easy to allow her body to recover. The enemy that did her in, was a weak one. She didn't tell her friends that she had been stretching things, and it went too far.

That was Tea's whole problem: she was overdoing it in places where she shouldn't have been, in a desperate attempt to prove herself.

So the overdoing it in the Cradle was understandable and acceptable.

FFT needs more Hayate-centric fics.

Hmm, I'll consider this, and see if I can come up with a few. It's hard to make decent ones since she's a squishy artillery piece.

That's my goal, but saying "MGLN with realism" gets just as much hate. How many times do I have to say it's an AU before people stop complaining about how I'm not following canon? ^^;

Don't worry, I think we all understand. Part of this is just in response to the guy who was harpin' on ya. I think we all understand that it's AU, and beam spam can have serious consequences if there's only one real setting (and it is believable that it does; my own theory is just a rationalization for the spells in the show).

But in agreement with Shiny, I'd say just don't focus so much on calling it dark or whatever. Just call it an AU, and say it'll take what you consider a more realistic track. I don't know how you plan to describe it for a synopsis, but something to the effect of "This Nanoha is learning that the world of magic can be a harsh teacher."

Anyway, just pre-fic food for thought. Hope it turns out well.^^

[Thunderbird]

Originally Posted by Alavon

1. Alt!Alicia (clone or real...) = Possible romance with Alt!Nanoha?
2. Fate would not cheat on Nanoha (at least that's what I got with Fate's personality in the story...)
3. Fate has to return home! D:

*flails*

Sorry...I had just finished NyAmCo's (?) updated fic (angst/tragedy) before I read your new addition to ch. 5 and I'm officially in a very negative mood... I REALLY don't want to get my hopes up....

But I'm still enjoying the story.

EDIT: Page claim for...uh...new updates?

Yeah I just finally caught up on that chapter Avalon. May be roughly translated from spanish but its still got the point across. I had to quit reading anything else for a little bit since I was also in a little bit of a negative mood lol.

As far as AlternativeS goes, the idea is very good and the flow so far has been relatively smooth, a few bumps here and there, but no one gets it perfect during their first shot, that's why we are here for help and advice from others. I don't know if I should consider myself fortunate that I get to skip all the forum chatter to tell you my opinions, Satashi or unfortunate since I have no means of shielding myself from when we start blasting each other over story plots, flow, presentation, and which side of Nanoha's wheelchair Raising Heart's control orb is XD But like everyone else, we are all here to help each other out so why not Listen every once in a while eh?

[synaesthetic]

I am still highly amused that both 00-Raiser and I pointed to the same exact example for the problems with beam spam.

[MeisterBabylon]

I love the flexibility of all that magic. I can choose to kill people or just stun them with the same spell. To hell if that doesn't seem like reality! Magic and ESP are the same; its all about rejecting reality and substituting your own!

[deathcurse]

@Nanya
Sorry, been away for a while so I have major backlog...We need more Teela/Teana action! And Erio and Caro, because we haven't seen them for a while...that help?

Nice chapter, I enjoyed Fate and Nanoha playing with their kids, and how they don't discriminate at all between them!

[synaesthetic]

Originally Posted by MeisterBabylon

I love the flexibility of all that magic. I can choose to kill people or just stun them with the same spell. To hell if that doesn't seem like reality! Magic and ESP are the same; its all about rejecting reality and substituting your own!

Except in MGLN, magic isn't magic, it's technology. Magic A is Magic A.

Setting phasers Devices to stun shouldn't raze the cityscape as a result.

[MeisterBabylon]

Originally Posted by synaesthetic

Except in MGLN, magic isn't magic, it's technology. Magic A is Magic A.

Setting phasers Devices to stun shouldn't raze the cityscape as a result.

Well, that's your interpretation. While there's nothing wrong with holding that view, as long as long canon continues to reject convention wisdom, I don't see why I shouldn't do so too.

I've even gone as far as making "I'll reject your reality and substitute my own!" as my OC's trademark line. ^^;;;

But as before, it's your fic, do what you will with it.



Edit: In the Name of the Kaiser, I claim this page for rejecting reality! >=3