Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha Character Creation and Discussion (second reincarnation)

[itanshi1]

hey Goose, thanks for the evaluations

I'd like to think my attorney is rather passionately dispassionate. I did name here serene tempest :P

but yeah just another wrinkle to iron out.

[Wild Goose]

What you can have, as a way to get around, is for Serene Tempest to recuse herself from taking her daughter's case, buy have a trusted colleague or member of her legal firm take the case and then she can advise from the sidelines.

[itanshi1]

Yeah that was my thought,spose i don't much have a choice hmm, unless i can somehow fudge technicalities via adoption rules (under the father's name instead of hers, they are like twice divorced)

[MeisterBabylon]

So Seikou is Stern the Destruction. The tsun in her name makes me even more.

[Aaron008R]

Originally Posted by Keroko

Please do. Who knows, you might re-ignite the creative spark of Cadia.

I feel rather embarrassed to reply this long.

But in any case, you betcha. I'm gonna post a sample scene on a later part of this post! >:3

Originally Posted by LimitedEternal

I still lurk here, even if I don't really anything to say. Changing interests and all that.

So how's everyone's, uh...year...been?

Short version. I found work. I worked during the holidays. I spend a lot of time in the office. So let's just say that I appreciate what little free time I have nowadays.

Originally Posted by Wild Goose

Zomg, it's GARbein Swirly-kun! Howya been, Aaron?

Actually, I'm glad you've arrived, I wanted to discuss with you an A's PSP fic detailing an certain pairing-

*CRACK*

*Goose is shot from offscreen*

XD

Long time no see, you crazy duck.
And about how I've been... *points above*

Originally Posted by XenahortCharybdis

Right, right. In comes our eternal voice of reason to save the day!

Well, there's a 'please do' from me here too, frankly - can't say I'm not affected by the fact that every time I return from a long school-based hiatus there seems to be less than half the traffic from before.

Of course, the Cadian community's creative spark is still there - it's just being used...elsewhere, so to speak. To the neglect of Cadia itself, no doubt, but I guess it's a natural result of having done much here and thus feeling that there isn't much more to be done (When, well, there is - for example, doing something with those many OCs...though admittedly that's heck loads more difficult to continue to any significant progression.)

All too true nowadays.
But hey, as long as there's some projects in progress, that's fine. :3

Originally Posted by Chaos2Frozen

Game over man! Game over!

Actually, I'm sure that tons of people have ideas. It's just that... It's kinda hard to work with the Nanohaverse- I notice that every other question in the theory or Q&A or technology thread doesn't have a straight answer, in the end we just make stuff up as we go along...

That's the fun of it, right?

Originally Posted by Kyral

I'm still alive! Oo

My real life actually doesn't gives me too much time for my hobbies... I'm actually quite happy that I'm able to game and draw some stuff (atm WarCraft OCs mainly xD)

So... sorry that I'm too pretty much am in lurk mode only atm... seeing how my last chapter was 5 months ago and all... :-/

Hey, Kyral!
And about lurking for now, just take it easy. :3

Originally Posted by FlameSparkZ

...and suddenly, there's a lot of new posts.

Heh. >:3 It's all thanks to me-*SHOT!!!*

...also considering converting my BreakerS OC-verse into an original story

*warps off*

VN even? >.>

Originally Posted by MeisterBabylon

So Seikou is Stern the Destruction. The tsun in her name makes me even more.

If I wasn't the one who posted about Stern and the others, I'd be pretty confused by what you just said.


ANNNNDD OF COURSE! NEW MATERIAL!!! >:3
*Chapter 1 parts One and Two are here for those not familiar with this story*

*tosses a number of snippets from his fic*

Spoiler for Snippet 1: Long time no see?:

“I did not come to be appreciated by you, Hayate.” Aurion chuckled lightly, “Well, not at the beginning, anyway. By the way..." He snapped his fingers.

Hayate's eyebrows rose slightly when a small jug appeared on her table, "Please don't tell me that is something you had Shamal make in advance."

"Don't be ridiculous." Aurion grabbed the jug and opened it. The smell of well-blended mocha immediately wafted through the room as he poured the contents into the cap which also served a cup.

"So you're actually an enemy spy who came to poison me in my office? Oh, woe is me…" she joked lazily. But despite herself, Hayate couldn't help but perk up at the scent.

"Go poison yourself if you want to die so badly." he deadpanned. He set the warm cup of great-smelling mocha front of Hayate, "Jokes aside, you forgot your coffee, Commander."

"Ah..." the brown-haired girl blinked as she remembered what she went to the kitchen for before finding Aurion and Vivio. "Oh." She tentatively reached for the cup. "Thanks... I guess."

"Drink it while it's hot."

"I know." she replied before drinking. She couldn't help but smile at the taste. It was delicious.

"See what I mean by work-related stress? You're the type who gets what you need and does the job done at the same time. If your morning coffee helps you in your work, then it's best not to neglect it."

"Hmm..." Hayate replied as she took another sip. "Gee, I wonder whose fault is it that I wasn't able to get my coffee."

"You would have gotten it either way if you were in top form, young lady."

She only shrugged, finished drinking and held out the cup in front of Aurion. "Seconds." she commanded bossily.

The older man chuckled as he poured more into her cup, "Well, at least tension has diffused somewhat. I can see your tail wagging now."

"I don't have a tail."

"It was a figure of speech. By the way, do raccoons wag their tail when they're happy?"

"How would I know?" Hayate didn't want to admit it, but she had let herself get caught up in his pace. But thanks to the drink, her mood has improved somewhat. She decided that it's better to leave things this way instead of arguing more. She finished her second cup of mocha in silence.

"Anyhow, I guess it's about time we discuss why I am here in better detail."

"Yes." Hayate straightened up in her chair, "So, Professor, why exactly have you transferred here on such short notice?"

"It's due to a number of reasons, actually." Aurion straightened up as well, "First, my decision to go here wasn't done arbitrarily. I had some discussions with the rest of the research group I belong to, and we decided that it would be best to collaborate more than usual with your unit if we are to recover from our previous losses in good speed."

"Hmm... Well, my unit does have the most involvement with Jail Scaglietti's case as well as anti-AMF tactics development."

"Correct. Another one is for security reasons."

"You're being targeted?"

"I don't think so. But I am one of the higher-level developers in the project so my safety is considered paramount. My other colleagues have already transferred over to places with better security. I was sent here since I'm most familiar with you people. Plus, I could gather information better since I've handled your devices myself."

"Hm." Hayate nodded. "Anything else?"

"Yes. Since I'm here, the research department allowed me to make this place the venue for Shario's license renewal exam."

"Oh! I remember her saying that she should be taking it soon. But are you sure it's alright? I don't think TSAB approves of improvised venues for examinations if the proper ones are available."

"Normally, they won't. But the situation right now needs your team to be complete. Had I not come, Shario's exam might have been delayed until when this case is solved. It'll be troublesome if that happened."

"Hmm..."

They continued their conversation about his transfer for several minutes.

"Understood. The reasons have been duly noted." Hayate relaxed at the end of the official conversation and smiled teasingly, "I didn't know that you were already in the position to be a proctor in an impromptu examination."

“Of course I am. Despite being one of the ‘younger’ head developers, I’m also already an accredited Magitech Aptitude Examiner. To cast doubt upon my actions would only serve as a direct challenge against my integrity.”

“Pfft!” Hayate snorted softly and burst into giggles, drawing a scowl from Aurion.

“What?”

“Aha-ahahaha! Y-you…” She held her stomach with one hand while the other was pointing at his face, “H-hearing you talking about ‘integrity’ of all things! Hahahaha!"

The older man replied indignantly, “Oi, don’t be like that. I’m a very diligent member of the TSA Magitech Research Division who knows the rules in and out.”

“Yes! Of course a scoundrel like you would know the ‘ins and outs’ of Rules and Regulations.” Hayate managed to control her giggling, “I wonder if I should report your misdeeds over the years to get your license revoked?”

“Ho! I’d like to see you try.” Aurion shot back while grinning roguishly, smoothly sliding out of his prior persona.

Both of them broke into a fit of laughter after staring challengingly at each other.

“Hahaha! Really, I should have let Lindy-san go ahead with charging you for abduction when she planned to.”

“I told you, that wasn’t abduction. I just wanted a private talk with you so I needed some stealth. It’s not like I held you for ransom or anything.”

“You appeared out of nowhere, took me to an isolated location and even tied me up! You still expected me to think of it as a friendly chat?”

“You would have blasted me to bits had I not done so.”

“Then what did you expect me to do? Ask if you brought me some candy?”

"Ask before you shoot?"

"Then ask me properly instead of kidnapping me!"

Spoiler for Snippet 2: A small request?:

Nanoha giggled. A few moments later, an idea hit her, “By the way, Oji-chan. I have a request, if you don’t mind.”

“I am not going to babysit Vivio, if that’s what you’re thinking. I’m still traumatized by those occasions I had to babysit you and Keroko when I had important experiments to do.”

“Hahaha! No, no!” Nanoha countered cheerfully; “Actually…” she explained her request.

After hearing the explanation, Aurion frowned at her and said, "Here I am already doing work in excess of my assigned responsibilities. Primarily for your sake, if I may add. And now you ask me to do something as troublesome as that?" His tone sharpened, "You have some nerve."

"Uhm... But I..." The Ace squirmed uncomfortably under his stare, causing her to cast her eyes downward, "I see..." But when she looked at him again, she swore she saw a barely perceptible wink.

"You see what?"

"On second thought..." Nanoha stood straighter and pressed her palms together. "Please? I was looking for an opportunity like this but finding suitable mages that aren't busy was harder than I expected!" she said cutely in her most earnest tone, eyes closed for extra emphasis, "Please, Oji-chan?"

“……”

“……” The girl didn’t open her eyes, waiting anxiously for his reply.

“…Hmph.” the older man clucked his tongue and spun his chair sideways, "Now that was disappointing. You're already a very pretty young lady and the best persuasion you can give is saying, "Please?" Are you an elementary school student?"

"Huh?" Nanoha’s eyes opened to look confusedly at him.

"Or maybe not many people have been able to deny your requests because you carry around Raising Heart? My, my… how violent."

"Of course, not!"

"Then work on your charm a bit more. An attractive young woman acting like a grade-schooler is not appealing at all."

"Mou!" Her face reddened and she resisted the urge to stomp in protest, glaring indignantly at him, "Please stop teasing me and answer! Will you do it?"

Aurion chortled, spinning his chair again to face her properly, "Well, looking at it professionally, I'm not obligated at all to do something like that. But then..."

Nanoha perked up, "Then!"

"Doing it right away without a proper reason would be bad." He shrugged, "Simulated scenario or not, for a TSA Reserve Mage like me, utilizing combat-oriented magic outside my official duties or emergency situations is a tricky issue. So I have to go bug some people first to make it work.” Grinning, he imitated the tone of a primary school teacher talking to a kid student, “Be a good girl and wait till I can make a passable excuse, alright?"

"Yes!" the girl clapped once in delight, "Thanks, Oji-chan!"

"Really, you're a very troublesome one..." He stood up, "Anyway, I think I've kept you here long enough. You might be late for your job." He reached out to pat her head one last time.

After checking the time, Nanoha nodded, "You're right. Well then, I’ll be seeing you later, Oji-chan."

"I know. Now shoo! I'm busy."

"Hahaha! Thanks again!" Nanoha gave him a cheerful wave before leaving the room.

"I heard you the first time." Aurion chuckled as the door closed. “It looks like there are some additional matters to look forward to, after all.”He made to move back to his seat but paused, stroking his chin thoughtfully. “Raising Heart.”

[Yes?]

“No matter how good a person is in reading people, the process of getting to know what’s running inside a person’s head takes time. I may have just lectured your master a bit…” he frowned, “But I have this feeling that I missed several marks today.”

[It’s alright.]

“Hmph, I’m getting consoled by a device?” Aurion smirked and went closer to Raising Heart’s containment field “So tell me, what exactly has been bothering her lately? Is it that Vivio kid?”

The red orb glimmered briefly, [Don’t worry.]

“Hahaha! Mind my own business? So you’re saying that as someone on her side?”

[I am saying it as Master’s friend.]

Aurion smiled widely, “Figures. Well, more than advice, that’s usually what a person needs, huh?”

[Yes.]

He idly cracked his knuckles, “Well, it does help that one of her best ‘friends’ could be upgraded so handily. Okay, time for the doctor to do his work. So be sure behave, Raising Heart.”

The device glowed softly in assent, [Alright.]

Aurion began to work on the maintenance again. As a few moments passed, he smiled wryly, ‘Damn you, Hayate. Your personnel are making me regret not joining this unit in the first place.’

Spoiler for Snippet 3: Magic is a form of entertainment:

"Waah...!" Vivio exclaimed in wonder as the skin of the apple floating in front of her peeled off automatically, forming a red spiral that danced around the fruit. At the sound of a small pop, the core with the seeds was removed. And finally, the rest of the apple broke into smaller pieces as if they were sliced by a knife before aligning before her to pick. With apparent delight, the small girl squealed and grabbed a piece, biting into it enthusiastically.

"Whoa..." Subaru stared with amazement at the feat.

"You're acting like you’ve never Manakinesis before." Teana said, looking at her teammate.

"Manakinesis?" Subaru asked, looking at the other girl with a confused expression.

Teana sighed and held up her hand, which started glowing orange. Her forefinger and thumb closed as if pressing something.

"Ow! Owowow!" Subaru cried out as her nose was surrounded and pinched by a similar orange aura. She slapped a hand on her face, breathing a sigh of relief as the pressure disappeared.

"Using magic to move objects… Didn't we have a class in Academy where we were shown this?” Teana lowered her hand, “Nanoha-san uses this at times and even I can do it. Don't tell me you forgot."

"B-but I think that was a lesson for shooting mages so maybe I wasn’t listening too much…" Subaru answered hesitantly, causing Teana to grow annoyed and start berating her.

Meanwhile...

"Heeh~..." Tesla smiled slyly at Aurion, "For someone who frequently hints his swearing off of babysitting, you're actually pretty good in entertaining kids, huh, Ossan?"

"Despite my sentiments nowadays," Aurion replied as he caught the skin and core of the fruit, "I do have plenty of experience." his hand flashed, disintegrating the apple rinds. He smirked at Tesla, "However, I had the misfortune of taking care of brats, not kids. But compared to those, a good little girl like Vivio is no problem at all."

Keroko made a small exclamation and glared at him while Tesla only giggled.

"B-brats...?" Shario repeated unbelievingly.

"Yeah, you don't have any idea how troublesome these girls were when they were younger, Shario."

"Oh come on! We weren't that bad!" the red-headed Ace interjected.

"I don't want to hear that from the worst offender." Aurion shot back. He opened his mouth to say more, but closed it and looked at the Aces one by one. He then grinned and said, "Okay. Comparatively, I could say that at least Fate was a good girl."

Fate smiled timidly at the complement and shrunk back when Keroko glared at her this time, holding up her hands in a pacifying gesture.

"I wasn't a good girl?" Nanoha asked this time, affectedly upset.

"Sorry but no, you could have made the grade if you just didn't blow up that one device I was working on in one occasion."

Nanoha puffed her cheeks indignantly, "Mu~!"

Teana smiled at the rare sight of the Aces acting like kids. But she soon turned her attention to the remaining floating apple pieces that Vivio has yet to eat. They occasionally switched positions just as the little girl attempts to grab one. 'Still, Manakinesis at such an advanced level... It takes a very high amount of control to even so much as operate a sequence of buttons.' She looked at Aurion this time, 'He's no ordinary mage.'

"?" The blue-haired man looked at her as well, making Teana avert her gaze hurriedly.

"Hii!" Teana squeaked as she felt something cold and wet poke her on the cheek. She had retreated several steps before realizing that it was only one of the apple pieces.

"You wanted one?" Aurion asked casually.

"A-ah! No, no!" Teana stammered, waving her hands in front of her.

"Teana-san can have that." Vivio piped in, smiling.

"O-oh... Then..." Cornered, the orange-haired girl could only blush darkly, managing to smile back awkwardly at the child and took the slice. She tentatively bit the sweet fruit.

"Hehe~" Subaru grinned, "Tea has a sweet tooth too, after all."

"Oh shut up!" Teana countered hotly, glaring at her partner and managing to draw a small round of laughter from everyone else.

For a quick update on the status, Chapter 2 of Solitary Perspective is still seperated in sizable chunks as I try to connect the scenarios. I can't give an exact time of completion, but it's going to be near. >:3

(And of course, for those who do not know who Aurion is, you can check my OC Profiles. Be prepared for massive amounts of text and cheese, though.)

[Saint X]

Finally back.

working thru the expanded universe of "Aniki", Aina and Maven, as well as playing the odd game left and right, as well as helping chuck ideas infront of Lowe for his "original project" have slowly coerced my will.

well come to think of it, in regards to the so called "grunt deficiency", let me pull off my old theories as to why.

- The bureau until recently (give about 50-80 (in my works) or even 100 years ago) was also using what we call in our world "conventional weapons", initially as an equivalent or alternative force- then as time progressed, it became a force multiplier that diminished in value as the paradigm shift from the old to the new (magitech) became more accelerated and such- more mages were born/trained over time.

- during the time of the shift, vehicles were already somewhat powered by a sort of Link Reactor, as it is a better and safer source of energy. and as time passed, and the smaller/uneeded vehicles/mechs became uneeded, eventually the Link Reactors were only seen in ships, whereyouseethemnow, etc

will return for further mental disposition

[FlameSparkZ]

Originally Posted by Aaron008R

Heh. >:3 It's all thanks to me-*SHOT!!!*

Originally Posted by Aaron008R

VN even? >.>

Don't know...maybe, maybe not. It's still a tad vague

[itanshi1]

Has major spoilers for the epic I'm working on, but there's so much going on in the plot, w/e. It amuses me. I might take this down in the future.\

Spoiler for Spoilers:

It didn't matter how she got there or when. It didn't matter how much blood was lost. Her mind was a haze. She could not walk. She could not use magic. She didn't know how hungry or thirsty she was. She grabbed the dirt and pulled herself forward. A kid ran to her. He was frightened and was called away by his mother. She didn't notice him.

She didn't notice the air raid siren.

How many miles had she gone? Was she in the city? Concrete, dirt, grass and somehow inexplicably granite. She didn't think she'd find granite. She must have gotten close to a government building. Where were the police?

She collapsed on the stairs. People ran up and down avoiding her. She was nothing more than a homeless bum to them. They were very busy and maybe rightfully so, but she hated them more than the taste in her mouth right at this moment. She hated the taste in her mouth. She never hated tastes in her mouth.

She struggled to climb the granite stairs. She could feel her body ache and creak. Her muscles tightened. She rolled over to see the sky. Holes far above had ripped in the dimensional barrier. She could not tell what they were. Flies? No... she's killed those things before. They should not be here right now.

An old lady saw her and sat beside her. It didn't matter where she went right now, she was not an important asset compared to the able and the young. She was a judge nearing retirement. "Miss Tempest, to what do I owe the pleasure seeing your miserable corpse on my courthouse stairs?"

"Judge... " She took a breath and tried not to cough blood, "Judge... who...?"

"I am or was Judge Amanti. I proceeded over your court martialing."

"Screw you..."

"No thank you, you are too young for me."

"I... survived El Hazard... just... ask... Loki."

Loki spoke, "All records upon entering El Hazard are classified. Only rank Admiral has permission to access data."

"Ah... I'll take your device's and your appearance's word for it. You seriously need medical attention, Miss Tempest. Your arm is missing and I don't think I ever saw so many cuts and bruising before. Can Loki not heal those wounds? No, he's just keeping you alive. I'll call for help."

"No, wait. Answer me. Promote me! For all that I've seen... I should be a fucking Admiral!"

"Miss Tempest, I know you think being promoted gives you more freedom, but you are still a young immature child. Also, I never received your reinstatement request from your Captain."

"What."

"Every action you make is under Miss Harlaown's permission. As long as you are willing to put her career and life in harm's way, you have absolute freedom."

"Wow. You got me. I like you now."

"That's nice, but we are being invaded and I need to find a doctor before those ugly flying creatures eat them all."

"Word."

Huh, this thread is kind of quiet. Makes me want to post more here. I mention the court martialing top of this thread nearly and here i post this bout a month later. It's basically the full circle element to my girl Tempest's life. She's such a rash fool, I enjoy tormenting her.

Spoiler for Opperation Valentine:

Opperation Valentine.

Fury laughed. Someone was unfortunate as to inform her the current date on Mid Childa lined up with February 14th back on her Captain's home planet. Valentine's Day as it turned out was a day for lovers and she had love to share.

Still, even though she had the stubborn will, the tried and practiced skill to seduce anyone, male or female, there remained one target she could not conquer. Her partner. She had to smile and lick the metal cap. She still had a chipped tooth from flirting with Signum. That was a good day.

Hana was sitting below a tree out in field. Her giant furry beast thing was asleep next to her. Ok, it was a wolf, so she was told, but all it did normally was growl at her or pounce her inappropriately. Someone called him Kharma Dog. Then there was that damn glorified chicken in the tree above her having a nap. No, he was awake and he was looking for an excuse to pluck her eye out. "I see you, damn pidgeon!" She saw his head turn to her. His eyes were sharp even from this distance. "Yeah, you heard me!" She almost forgot what she came here for.

Hana yawned and stretched, but she was still exhausted from the extra workout. Fate had told her to get more excercise. She may be a support type, but she had to keep pace with her partner, no matter how stupid fast she was. Fury knelt down beside her all the while watching that damned furry beast thing sleeping on the other side. If he woke up, it would be the end of her seduction right there. She wondered if the pidgeon above her knew this. he was far smarter than he should be allowed.

She thought about kissing her in her sleep for a long time now, but everytime she got close, she'd freeze up. She hated that she knew exactly why. Betraying her trust even if it's only a small request was something she could not do. Hana had told her she would only kiss her if she wished to be kissed. Fury was loyal to her. No one put up with her crap more than her and she respected that.

Still, she told herself repeatedly it was just a damned kiss. People say hello to each other all the time with just a kiss. Captain Nanoha and Fate kiss all the time and it means nothing! Well, she was still debating that one with Subaru. Maybe she only wanted to piss her off. That was another activity she could do on this odd day off. She had to grin.

She placed the small box of chocolates on Hana's lap. "Well, at least I can do this much." She thought to herself. She heard a fast flap of wings. Somehow the damned turkey had managed to steal the box right off Hana's lap without even waking anyone.

"Oh, Hell NO!"

Hana opened her eyes and watched the two brats rush away at full speed across the field. "Seriously." Hana sighed and returned to her nap. It was so peaceful here even if her family had a few idiots that needed to be scolded now and then.

[Rising Dragon]

So for you fanfic writers who feature OCs as major characters and/or protagonists, when they are mages, how do you go about barrier jackets and knight garb and etc if you're posting your story elsewhere, where people may not have access to viewing descriptions and/or images in the character's profiles? Do you give them a brief description, link them to the profile, or what?

[NorthernFallout]

When I wrote and did a crossover-section posting I'd link back to the profile here. Otherwise I'd say including the profile wherever you post it, for the first time that is.

[itanshi1]

Was that a general question? I mean you are right my random excerpt doe snot describe much at all character wise since it is placed in a random section in the story. So basically disregard that stuff which perhaps would help a lot if it was included x_x

otherwise they in my story archive post linked in my sig.

pretty much it'll make sense when included with the rest of the story.

[Estavali]

Originally Posted by Rising Dragon

So for you fanfic writers who feature OCs as major characters and/or protagonists, when they are mages, how do you go about barrier jackets and knight garb and etc if you're posting your story elsewhere, where people may not have access to viewing descriptions and/or images in the character's profiles? Do you give them a brief description, link them to the profile, or what?

I think it depends on whether the writer feels that the appearance of the BJ/Armor is important/unique enough to warrant a detailed description in the narrative or to divert the audience from the main story to take a look at the profile.

I am told, though, that the sensible writer just give a brief but adequate description of the outer appearance and let the reader work out the rest in their mind, or direct him/her to the profile if the reader is actually curious enough about the character. Unless of course, the character is wearing something that actually affects the plot, like a clown costume in a ball party =3

[Rising Dragon]

So would a single paragraph for both jacket and device suffice? Say, 117 words or so? It's what I got for my protagonist in The Collared.

[Tempy]

Originally Posted by Rising Dragon

So would a single paragraph for both jacket and device suffice? Say, 117 words or so? It's what I got for my protagonist in The Collared.

There's a strange sort of balancing act when it comes to describing an OC's stuff. Too much, and it feels you're putting extraneous attention on the character. Not enough, and the reader won't get a good image of who this person is.

That said, it's up to how you write it and describe it. Some can successfully describe a character in just a few sentences. Others, a few more. One thing you could do is post the excerpt and perhaps a reference image, and those here can compare and contrast.

[Rising Dragon]

It'd be simple enough to draw up my characters, were it not for the fact I don't have a viable scanner (I have one but it tends to blow the image up so huge you'd need about nine monitors together to view it properly), and posting the chapters and descriptions here isn't a problem for me. It's if I decide to post it elsewhere where the problem arises, such as FF.net.

[Tempy]

Regardless, post the excerpt anyways. At the very least, we can try to see if it's sufficient, lacking, or excessive.

[Rising Dragon]

Err, okay. I'm including a little bit before it, basically the start of the scene since it's right there.

Spoiler for Ch. 1, Scene 7 Excerpt:

The roar of the wind threatened to drown out his hearing. Roas could see the city of Newdam rushing up to meet him, and he could make out the armor the occupying forces were using to hold the city—easy targets now that he knew where they were. As he plummeted, the raised his right hand into the air, clutching the Device wrapped around his wrist.

“Here we go! Lancel, set up!”

”Drive ignition!”

Green light erupted from Roas, encompassing him completely as his Barrier Jacket was constituted around him. Bands of light wrapped around his body, forming a black bodysuit lined in silver, followed by a tabard-forming coat in grays slashed with blue. Plated boots and an armored bracer followed, as well as metal plates over his right arm, pauldron connecting to gauntlet through a pair of cables. Lancel followed suit, constructing itself into its full form around his arm. A trio of black prongs plated in silver joined together with a pistol grip and an arm brace, forming a large blaster. An oval plate with a green crystal attached to its side, and a rack holding a long, silver blade underneath it formed under the grip.

[Rising Dragon]

Hate to double-post, but the excerpt's been up as requested and I'd like some feedback. Being my first Nanoha fic and all, I'm a bit nervous and anxious.

[Tiresias]

Originally Posted by Rising Dragon

Hate to double-post, but the excerpt's been up as requested and I'd like some feedback. Being my first Nanoha fic and all, I'm a bit nervous and anxious.

I don't know about our seniors, but I think they're good (and inspiring *goes to edit own fic*).

This is for a main right? No point having so much detail for a mook except if the appearance is plot-relevant

[Rising Dragon]

The protagonist, yes. I'm just worried about being too vague or too detailed, since detail is a specialty of mine and I don't want to make people mistake him for a mary sue and such.

I'll get a drawn image of him up sometime, assuming I can get a scanner that works the way I like it.