Dating

[ReaperxKingx]

Originally Posted by Tigress

I have been panicing so much about all of this and with him bringing it up all the time. I did not stop to think that I do have time and I should use it. If he loves me for real, I'd go for it, but I do not want him to take me for granted and destroy what we have now. If I had not found the thread posted here on this forum, I probably would have went ahead and made some decision either way to get him to back off. Thank you to all for the advice. This has really helped to clear my head. HUGS

Happy my advice helped, I hope for best for you.

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by Tigress

This is really for people that might have experience with this and it's an ongoing thing.

There's one critical piece of information that you haven't mentioned or brought up (unless I missed it): how do you feel toward him? I don't mean the fear over what would happen if the relationship soured. Do you have a romantic interest in him? Is it something that you'd like to try?

As viperdk1 said, things probably won't be the same as they were before even if you turn him down. So forget about losing a valuable friendship, because right now there's no 100% safe option to turn to. Don't try to analyze his past relationships. Those were other girls, and you are you. Stop being so conservative: nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I would say that if you have even the slightest interest in him, go for it. If it doesn't work out, you can always back out of it. There's no guarantee that you won't still be friends even in that case. On the other hand, if you don't have an interest in him and you're debating about whether you should say yes or no to please him and/or maintain a friendship, forget it - don't do it.

At this stage of the relationship, it's all about you. How you feel toward him; how you feel about the prospect of dating again. Be honest with yourself, and in turn, be honest with him.

Just don't let fear paralyze you into indecision. If this guy wants to wait years for you, that's great; realistically speaking, he's going to find someone else. It wouldn't mean that he wasn't "the one" if he did, it would just mean that you missed your window of opportunity.

This is complicated, but it's not as complicated as you're probably thinking. Just shut out everyone else's opinions and desires, stop over-analyzing various scenarios, and ask yourself: is this what you want, or what you'd like to try?

[Tigress]

Ledgem, I love him very much as a friend and he's an attractive guy, but that said I felt pressurised and was trying to find an answer for him. He has been pushing me a bit for a reply. I am going to tell him that I need some time and find out where his head is regarding his intentions with me. The advice has been good. It'll still be my decision but I am feeling much more relaxed having had someone to talk to.

I know he won't wait years and I would never want that. I was in a relationship up until 3 months ago and it wasn't a good one. I am not religious, but I hold the moral ground and didn't give my ex what he wanted when I did not feel it was right. I made the right decision and it ended very bad with him saying bad stuff about me to his mates, and it was not too long after when my friend confessed his feelings for me. Well he didn't say he was in love with me, just that he likes me as more than a friend. I need to pluck up the courage to go talk to my friend. I think it may be that the deciding factor is based on his answers to my questions and giving me some space to breathe before I do anything. I will let you know what happens. I'm scared now, but I am going to do it and am not hiding from it anymore.

[ReaperxKingx]

Originally Posted by Tigress

Ledgem, I love him very much as a friend and he's an attractive guy, but that said I felt pressurised and was trying to find an answer for him. He has been pushing me a bit for a reply. I am going to tell him that I need some time and find out where his head is regarding his intentions with me. The advice has been good. It'll still be my decision but I am feeling much more relaxed having had someone to talk to.

I know he won't wait years and I would never want that. I was in a relationship up until 3 months ago and it wasn't a good one. I am not religious, but I hold the moral ground and didn't give my ex what he wanted when I did not feel it was right. I made the right decision and it ended very bad with him saying shyt about me, and it was not too long after when my friend confessed his feelings for me. Well he didn't say he was in love with me, just that he likes me as more than a friend. I need to pluck up the courage to go talk to my friend. I think it may be that the deciding factor is based on his answers to my questions and giving me some space to breathe before I do anything. I will let you know what happens. I'm scared now, but I am going to do it and am not hiding from it anymore.

Keep us posted and if you need anything you can ask us. Best of luck and be sure to remind him of your space, nicely... alright.

[Tigress]

Originally Posted by ReaperxKingx

Keep us posted and if you need anything you can ask us. Best of luck and be sure to remind him of your space, nicely... alright.

Got it. (^_^)

[Endless Soul]

Originally Posted by Tigress

Ledgem, I love him very much as a friend and he's an attractive guy, but that said I felt pressurised and was trying to find an answer for him. He has been pushing me a bit for a reply. I am going to tell him that I need some time and find out where his head is regarding his intentions with me. The advice has been good. It'll still be my decision but I am feeling much more relaxed having had someone to talk to.

I know I'm a bit late to the advice party here, but I wanted to say that everyone's advice regarding your problem so far has been very sound. The only thing I'd like to add is that the most likely reason he is pushing for an answer is because he pretty much laid everything on the line, without actually saying "I love you". It takes a lot of courage to even say that you like someone as more than a friend. I think it's safe to say that he's probably as scared as you are. If I'm understanding everything correctly, he did this over a month ago and still hasn't (apparently) had any feedback. All he wants is some feedback. The ball is in your court.

However, echoing everyone else here, take as much time as you need to come up with an answer, but you do need to let him know that. Above everything else, no matter what happens, good or bad, you two need to keep communicating with each other.

I wish the best of luck for you.

Endless "Communication" Soul

[Dextro]

Originally Posted by Endless Soul

I know I'm a bit late to the advice party here, but I wanted to say that everyone's advice regarding your problem so far has been very sound. The only thing I'd like to add is that the most likely reason he is pushing for an answer is because he pretty much laid everything on the line, without actually saying "I love you". It takes a lot of courage to even say that you like someone as more than a friend. I think it's safe to say that he's probably as scared as you are. If I'm understanding everything correctly, he did this over a month ago and still hasn't (apparently) had any feedback. All he wants is some feedback. The ball is in your court.

However, echoing everyone else here, take as much time as you need to come up with an answer, but you do need to let him know that. Above everything else, no matter what happens, good or bad, you two need to keep communicating with each other.

I wish the best of luck for you.

Endless "Communication" Soul

Going on with what Endless said and at the risk of being a bit repetitive I'll have to give some though to your friends position as well. What's probably eating more at him right now is the uncertainty in the air. I understand perfectly and can relate to needing time to think things through but I can also relate and understand what it hurts to simply stand there waiting for an answer. If it feels like ages if it's just a couple of minutes one can not begin to fathom what it feels like to wait days.

You should give him a clear indication that you're not sure what your answer is and that you need some time to think it through. Maybe you can even ask him some time off from interactions between you to think it through if you believe that you need that. You should however put his mind at ease that you need to think and can't answer right now because standing in a limbo is a truly awful position to be in.

Not a bit of what I said, however, negates the fact that you should tell him to back off if he keeps pestering you about an answer and becomes unbearable. Do understand that he might be eager for an answer but he must also understand your need to think things through. Just don't take too long: over-thinking things might lead you to a wrong conclusion based not on what you're feeling but what you think is better for him in the short term, deluding yourself and creating a situation that would be a lot worse than flat out rejecting him.

Disclaimer: these are just my 0.02€

[GDB]

Originally Posted by Dextro

Maybe you can even ask him some time off from interactions between you to think it through if you believe that you need that. You should however put his mind at ease that you need to think and can't answer right now because standing in a limbo is a truly awful position to be in.

From the perspective of a guy who's put it all out there before, it'd be somewhat devastating for her to ask for time away from him. It'd likely make him think he already screwed up (even worse than he may already feel for having waited so long), and may make him begin to doubt the longevity of whatever current relationship you may have.

[Gamer_2k4]

Originally Posted by Tigress

Ledgem, I love him very much as a friend and he's an attractive guy

That wasn't the question. I have some great friends that happen to be attractive guys, and I have no desire with a relationship with them (because I'm a guy myself). It may sound like a weird example, but I think it's a good one for this reason: The two things you mentioned are just the components of relationship that any friends will have, no matter the gender.

Attractiveness means jack squat. When you love someone, you don't care one bit how they look. It may sound cliche, but it's true: appearance has nothing at all to do with love. If you strip out looks and all you have is friendship, then that's where the relationship should stay. If you find yourself attracted to him beyond his appearance, and you think there's potential, that's something you should chase after.

I'm going to repeat this for emphasis. Do NOT pursue a relationship just because someone is attractive. That's a sure path toward failure.

[Tigress]

Hi. Yes, I am going to talk with him tomorrow. He's coming over for a movie night. I cannot really make any decision either way until I talk to him and make sure that he wants this for the right reasons. I know I have the ball but it depends on some questions like I said before. Those I won't disclose, because they are of a personal nature. Time off from interaction would be really bad because I want to keep it cool between us and I have been hiding from it long enough.

Gamer, I am in no way that shallow minded that I would date him purely for looks. I believe that it needs a bit of both friendship and physical attraction in a relationship. Physical appearance may be less important here, but I would not be honest if I said it did not matter on some scale.

Thank you for the replies ^.^

[ReaperxKingx]

Originally Posted by Tigress

Hi. Yes, I am going to talk with him tomorrow. He's coming over for a movie night. I cannot really make any decision either way until I talk to him and make sure that he wants this for the right reasons. I know I have the ball but it depends on some questions like I said before. Those I won't disclose, because they are of a personal nature. Time off from interaction would be really bad because I want to keep it cool between us and I have been hiding from it long enough.

Gamer, I am in no way that shallow minded that I would date him purely for looks. I believe that it needs a bit of both friendship and physical attraction in a relationship. Physical appearance may be less important here, but I would not be honest if I said it did not matter on some scale.

Thank you for the replies ^.^

Best of Luck for you. Looks like you got all you needed to make a decision.

[Tigress]

an update ^.^

He just left a little while ago. We had a good talk about where this is going. He said that in his relationships wth other girls, he found himself comparing what they had to our friendship and coming up short. another thing is that he feels prepared now to give us a real shot because he could forsee himself spending the rest of his life with his best friend. He didnt want to ak me before because he didn't think he was ready to handle a potentially strong relationship and then I was with the other douchbag and he could say nothing until he left.

We are going to take it very slowly with the agreement that if it gets too weird, we can back out and go back to being friends on a mutual basis.

he kissed me when he was leaving, ^.^ just a lingering peck on the lips but it's a seal, a sign that there is no going back now. I have a good feeling about this.

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by Gamer_2k4

Attractiveness means jack squat. When you love someone, you don't care one bit how they look. It may sound cliche, but it's true: appearance has nothing at all to do with love. If you strip out looks and all you have is friendship, then that's where the relationship should stay. If you find yourself attracted to him beyond his appearance, and you think there's potential, that's something you should chase after.

I'm going to repeat this for emphasis. Do NOT pursue a relationship just because someone is attractive. That's a sure path toward failure.

I agree with your general sentiment, but... Everything that you've said is true, but there's one problem: you don't just fall in love with someone out of the blue. I know people talk about "love at first sight" but I don't think it exists. There's such a thing as infatuation at first sight, or "loving the idea of being with someone" at first sight. How can you truly love someone that you barely know?

A relationship certainly can't be founded purely on physical attraction, but it helps to be attracted to the person you're with. If you really have "true love," though, then the person you're with will likely look more beautiful to you with each passing day. But you get to know people by spending time with them and growing closer, and there's nothing wrong with choosing your candidates based on how attractive they look to you (Not that you said there was anything wrong with it.)

Originally Posted by Tigress

an update ^.^

He just left a little while ago. We had a good talk about where this is going. He said that in his relationships wth other girls, he found himself comparing what they had to our friendship and coming up short. another thing is that he feels prepared now to give us a real shot because he could forsee himself spending the rest of his life with his best friend. He didnt want to ak me before because he didn't think he was ready to handle a potentially strong relationship and then I was with the other douchbag and he could say nothing until he left.

We are going to take it very slowly with the agreement that if it gets too weird, we can back out and go back to being friends on a mutual basis.

he kissed me when he was leaving, ^.^ just a lingering peck on the lips but it's a seal, a sign that there is no going back now. I have a good feeling about this.

It all sounds nice, I hope it goes well for the both of you!

[ReaperxKingx]

Originally Posted by Tigress

an update ^.^

He just left a little while ago. We had a good talk about where this is going. He said that in his relationships wth other girls, he found himself comparing what they had to our friendship and coming up short. another thing is that he feels prepared now to give us a real shot because he could forsee himself spending the rest of his life with his best friend. He didnt want to ak me before because he didn't think he was ready to handle a potentially strong relationship and then I was with the other douchbag and he could say nothing until he left.

We are going to take it very slowly with the agreement that if it gets too weird, we can back out and go back to being friends on a mutual basis.

he kissed me when he was leaving, ^.^ just a lingering peck on the lips but it's a seal, a sign that there is no going back now. I have a good feeling about this.

Congratulations, I hope the best for your relationship. You and him been together since your teens so you guys should know a lot about each other. It is good to take things slow, no rush but then again everyone got their own pace. Continue to talk to each other, the more you two connect the more you guys will fall in love with each other.

[supermegasonic]

who would have thought that such a simple post about someone getting accepted would turn out this way.

[NorthernFallout]

@Tigress: You two sound so adorable I just must cross my fingers for you.

---

As for myself, a small update: Life is moving on, and I have no regrets. That is all.

[Tigress]

Thank you for the well wishes and also thanks for giving me the "balls" to deal, or well encouragement. ^.^


The same to you NF. I had a read of your story and while two years is a long time if one person does not love the other it is better to end it for the sake of both of you. Good luck with everything here on out.

[csuree]

Ok. Welcome back. I was away for like a wek and i can see that some of us will find happiness here. I wish the best of all to you. Make sure you will enjoy being with your loved ones.

As for me... Well i have to say that you will be very disappointed, like i am now. I did not go out last week to meet any new girls. I was afraid again of rejection. I stayed home like an otaku and played games all day long. I am so pathetic i wish i had the guts to even kill myself but i have responsibilities and anyway death is not a soluton it is just running away. And i never run away when i hiit a wall. I try my best to resolve it.

Like a divine guidance has fallen on me my laptop's HDD has given in. It is still under warranty so i will take it to the service and for about 2 week i will not have a computer. This means that i will not stay at home playing games. This is a sign that i have to go out there and "fight my way".

I am very sorry for betraying some of your expectations. I am a horrible person. I will do my best to make up for this foolishness of mine. Luckily i can still browse from my phone so i will stay in touch and keep u all updated. And this time tthis time i will genuinely make it happen. I hate disappointing others. It makes me feel very bad about myself. Sorry again. I will write tomorrow with the updates.

[NoemiChan]

Originally Posted by Tigress

he kissed me when he was leaving, ^.^ just a lingering peck on the lips but it's a seal, a sign that there is no going back now. I have a good feeling about this.

Kissed? hmmm, Gud luck

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by csuree

As for me... Well i have to say that you will be very disappointed, like i am now. I did not go out last week to meet any new girls. I was afraid again of rejection. I stayed home like an otaku and played games all day long. I am so pathetic i wish i had the guts to even kill myself but i have responsibilities and anyway death is not a soluton it is just running away. And i never run away when i hiit a wall. I try my best to resolve it.

On a light note, if you "had the guts to kill yourself," talking to a girl and asking her out should be a piece of cake.

On a more serious note, suicide is the greatest disappointment of all, and something that hurts everyone you know for the rest of their lives. I hope you did not mean what you said seriously.

For what it's worth, I'm not disappointed in you. For people like us, this seemingly simple act takes a lot of courage. You're facing a lot of challenges at once: overcoming the fear of rejection, overcoming your shyness, figuring out how to protect your self-esteem, and determining how your personality type can reach out to someone who doesn't know you in a natural manner. Those are some big issues to contend with, and there's no particularly easy answer to even one of them.

I'm proud of you for wanting to improve. You are unhappy with your current situation, but rather than stew over it or live in denial and try to say that you really don't care, you're trying to do something about it. As long as you keep wanting to change, and as long as you keep thinking about it, you're working at the problem. I don't know how long it will take you (and I'll admit that my hope is that it won't be more than a few months), but as long as you reach that end goal, that's what matters.

Originally Posted by csuree

Like a divine guidance has fallen on me my laptop's HDD has given in. It is still under warranty so i will take it to the service and for about 2 week i will not have a computer. This means that i will not stay at home playing games. This is a sign that i have to go out there and "fight my way".

I'm sorry to hear about your hard drive, but it sounds like you're making the best of a bad situation. That's commendable.

Remember, don't overthink what you're trying to do when you do it. Don't pre-plan a conversation, and remember that what you're doing is natural. If you're very uncomfortable with the situation, the chances are that the person you're speaking to will notice and might feel uncomfortable, too.

Don't go in expecting anything more than a rejection even of conversation. At this point, the exercise is more about proving to yourself that you can do it, and that it's not as bad as you were thinking.

And above all, don't be too hard on yourself. What you're doing is a big deal, but if you psych yourself up too much, you might find it more difficult to take any action.