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Old 2010-03-31, 08:55   Link #4041
hinakatbklyn
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Quote:
Originally Posted by synaesthetic View Post
I told her everything and it looks like I'm going to be hated.

Isn't this the way it usually works? You get hated whenever you do the right thing, the hard thing. I could have kept doing the easy thing, kept sublimating my dissatisfaction, continuing to try and change her into someone she's not. But I didn't and I chose to come out with it.

I feel awful, but I couldn't keep forcing her to be someone she's not. I couldn't keep forcing her to fit the kind of girl I want to be with. I just had to stop trying to put the square peg in the round hole, and now I'm being hated for it.

I sometimes wonder if this is my fate. Is there really anyone out there for me, or am I just doomed to be alone forever? Or am I just being a petulant little bitch, complaining about things that don't matter, throwing away something good over something stupid?
Work, romance or anything else I missed, that happens alot. Either you get taken advantage of for doing the right thing or take a shortcut just to be more happy. It would of hurt alot more for you if you kept your opinions hidden away until you couldn't take it anymore.

I wouldn't try to change the person standing in front of me, it's who they are. But if I still wanted to be with that person, and a compromise could be made, I would bring it up and see if the other has an opinion about changing, but I wouldn't wait too long in bringing it up.

There are many types these days: happy with a partner, happy single, fighting partners, etc. You already brought up how bad things are, but there are always many more all over who are in much worse shape for whatever reason. Sometimes it takes alot longer than others to find that right person. Some will have trouble finding that right someone, but they manage just fine. I won't say being single is right for me, but I'm doing OK right now. I'll cross that road when I get to it.
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Old 2010-03-31, 09:12   Link #4042
SaintessHeart
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Quote:
Originally Posted by synaesthetic View Post
Well, RB... I did it. I told her everything and it looks like I'm going to be hated.

Isn't this the way it usually works? You get hated whenever you do the right thing, the hard thing. I could have kept doing the easy thing, kept sublimating my dissatisfaction, continuing to try and change her into someone she's not. But I didn't and I chose to come out with it.

I feel awful, but I couldn't keep forcing her to be someone she's not. I couldn't keep forcing her to fit the kind of girl I want to be with. I just had to stop trying to put the square peg in the round hole, and now I'm being hated for it.

Sigh.

I sometimes wonder if this is my fate. Is there really anyone out there for me, or am I just doomed to be alone forever? Or am I just being a petulant little bitch, complaining about things that don't matter, throwing away something good over something stupid?
I think it is time for you to move on. If you are going to stay around and mope it is only going to get worse.
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Old 2010-03-31, 09:14   Link #4043
RadiantBeam
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SaintessHeart View Post
The only thing I am worried about is hurting her feelings.
Why? You aren't insulting her feelings, you're just asking her what she sees in you. That's an honest question.

Quote:
Originally Posted by synaesthetic View Post
Well, RB... I did it. I told her everything and it looks like I'm going to be hated.

Isn't this the way it usually works? You get hated whenever you do the right thing, the hard thing. I could have kept doing the easy thing, kept sublimating my dissatisfaction, continuing to try and change her into someone she's not. But I didn't and I chose to come out with it.

I feel awful, but I couldn't keep forcing her to be someone she's not. I couldn't keep forcing her to fit the kind of girl I want to be with. I just had to stop trying to put the square peg in the round hole, and now I'm being hated for it.

Sigh.

I sometimes wonder if this is my fate. Is there really anyone out there for me, or am I just doomed to be alone forever? Or am I just being a petulant little bitch, complaining about things that don't matter, throwing away something good over something stupid?
*hug*

I wish I could say more than "I'm sorry", but nothing else comes to mind. In the end, though, I think you did what was best; you could have stayed in the relationship and continued to try and change her, always being unhappy and hating yourself for it, or you could tell her the truth. Sometimes doing the right thing hurts, even if you know it will work out in the long run.

On my end of things, I'm probably going to take a serious break from romance for awhile. Stress over school, stress over my family, and a lot of other factors pretty much played into ending my current relationship. I feel like a grade A bitch for hurting her, because I know I did, and the thought of her hurting makes me ache. But I had to be honest with her...

Anyway, single again and planning to stay that way for awhile this time. I need to smooth out some things before I take another shot at a relationship.
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Old 2010-03-31, 09:59   Link #4044
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Quote:
Originally Posted by synaesthetic View Post
Well, RB... I did it. I told her everything and it looks like I'm going to be hated.

Isn't this the way it usually works? You get hated whenever you do the right thing, the hard thing. I could have kept doing the easy thing, kept sublimating my dissatisfaction, continuing to try and change her into someone she's not. But I didn't and I chose to come out with it.

I feel awful, but I couldn't keep forcing her to be someone she's not. I couldn't keep forcing her to fit the kind of girl I want to be with. I just had to stop trying to put the square peg in the round hole, and now I'm being hated for it.

Sigh.

I sometimes wonder if this is my fate. Is there really anyone out there for me, or am I just doomed to be alone forever? Or am I just being a petulant little bitch, complaining about things that don't matter, throwing away something good over something stupid?
Gonna put this quote up that I found on a random webpage recently:

" Definition: 'Love' is making a shot to the knees of a target 120 kilometers away using an Aratech sniper rifle with a tri-light scope.
Statement: This definition, I am told, is subject to interpretation. Obviously, love is a matter of odds. Not many meatbags could make such a shot, and fewer would derive love from it. Yet for me, love is knowing your target, putting them in your targeting reticle, and together, achieving a singular purpose, against statistically long odds. "

It pretty much sums things up, heh. Long odds, indeed. But somehow, we keep trying, despite the pain we cause. RB said most of what I would have said, but this is just how love is. For a long time, I closed myself off to people because I hated this part. I didn't want to the pain of it, so I said I was done. The small chance wasn't worth the inevitable pain.

So, it's up to each of us: Are we willing to face the pain, in order to keep trying at love? Or do you want to close yourself off because it's safer?

At the least, because you can feel this pain, it means you're a good person at heart. Not many value the straightforward honesty, or are able to give. So that's double points for you.^^
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Old 2010-03-31, 12:37   Link #4045
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It's not exactly over. What I did was tell her everything that concerned me and left the choice up to her. I told her that I just can't see her like a girlfriend if she's going to be the way she's been being. It's just my preferences.

I apologized for trying to force her to change and left the choice to her. I told her I'd stop trying to change her, but if she stays in that incompatible state, it's not going to work out. The rest is up to her. If she wants to stay with me, the choice is hers; if her other stuff is more important to her than me, then we'll part ways amicably.
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Old 2010-03-31, 14:53   Link #4046
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
Why? You aren't insulting her feelings, you're just asking her what she sees in you. That's an honest question.



*hug*

I wish I could say more than "I'm sorry", but nothing else comes to mind. In the end, though, I think you did what was best; you could have stayed in the relationship and continued to try and change her, always being unhappy and hating yourself for it, or you could tell her the truth. Sometimes doing the right thing hurts, even if you know it will work out in the long run.

On my end of things, I'm probably going to take a serious break from romance for awhile. Stress over school, stress over my family, and a lot of other factors pretty much played into ending my current relationship. I feel like a grade A bitch for hurting her, because I know I did, and the thought of her hurting makes me ache. But I had to be honest with her...

Anyway, single again and planning to stay that way for awhile this time. I need to smooth out some things before I take another shot at a relationship.
While it's good to take a break and get your mind straightened out, I've always been one to believe that you can love whenever you're ready to love someone. It's pointless to chase for that feeling aimlessly and trying desperately to reach out for it when the very definition of love has as many forms as there are people in this world. I think it's best to realize that your heart will feel love when it comes.

You can, and probably will, meet hundreds upon hundreds of people throughout your life. You can love each and every one of them, and each one will receive a different kind of love. Friendship, brotherhood, you name it. Today, one of my workmates, an older woman than myself, actually admitted she saw me as a kind of younger brother figure, which made me feel quite warm inside actually because I accept her in the same way. So you see, love comes in many shapes.

That being said, you will eventually meet that someone who will receive that brand of love people most often refer to as relationships. I don't like to use that word because it's too simplistic and assumes there's only certain types of love. So my advice is to just simply let it be, and eventually you'll find someone who truly deserves strong feelings from you.
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Old 2010-03-31, 18:14   Link #4047
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Originally Posted by Kaijo View Post
There's a date idea. Learn to ride a bicycle together. Or if she knows how, have her teach you. ^_~
This is a great idea and it's a sure way to get some laughs to ease the tension. Also it's plenty cheap if you can find someone to lend you a bike or something like that
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Old 2010-03-31, 20:00   Link #4048
Wrath88
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Originally Posted by yoropa View Post
That's another problem here. Doesn't help that I tell myself to forget about it, successfully do, and then get back where I started when she comes up to me smiling and talking.

Not gonna do a short fling...
If she's impeding your attempts to hold yourself back, I think you might as well go for it. Still no info on what her interests are?

Syn & RB, sorry to hear about your respective separations. Hang in there. (I suppose it's kind of a weird coincidence I'm listening to Megurine Luka's Just Be Friends)
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Old 2010-03-31, 21:14   Link #4049
Mystique
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Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
On my end of things, I'm probably going to take a serious break from romance for awhile. Stress over school, stress over my family, and a lot of other factors pretty much played into ending my current relationship. I feel like a grade A bitch for hurting her, because I know I did, and the thought of her hurting makes me ache. But I had to be honest with her...

Anyway, single again and planning to stay that way for awhile this time. I need to smooth out some things before I take another shot at a relationship.
So why end the relationship (i mean what does it matter of you being gf's with her) rather than just chilling on the romance, fun stuff and just let her support you as a friend? Kinda curious about that aspect, since most peeps say that their bf/gf's are like their best/closest friends and more, a relationship isn't all fun or games, rather, this is where it begins to really count.
When life turns to utter crap, will you mutually help and support each other through an event and can the couple survive it?

So even if you can't dedicate as much time into the relationship as you'd like, but she's all for supporting you through your really stressful period, (which means, she'll definitely know to chill on the fun/lovey stuff cause she'll be concerned for you) then why actually 'break up'?
Isn't supporting the ones you care about all part of being in a relationship as well? Or rather, is it tying into something related with your self-confidence issue. Not wanting to 'burden' her with your issues?

Something doesn't sit right here RB, I don't know particular details, but all it sounds like to me is that you've shut a friend out, first and foremost. No one is really gonna be in a 'perfect' state while in a relationship (albiet, there are better states of emotional and mental health before getting into a relationship) - but you were already with her and she I'm sure is fully aware, so where or what is the key point here for you to actually cut off a support line to help you get through your really tough moments?
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Old 2010-03-31, 21:34   Link #4050
Ricky Controversy
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Originally Posted by Mystique View Post
So even if you can't dedicate as much time into the relationship as you'd like, but she's all for supporting you through your really stressful period, (which means, she'll definitely know to chill on the fun/lovey stuff cause she'll be concerned for you) then why actually 'break up'?
Isn't supporting the ones you care about all part of being in a relationship as well? Or rather, is it tying into something related with your self-confidence issue. Not wanting to 'burden' her with your issues?

Something doesn't sit right here RB, I don't know particular details, but all it sounds like to me is that you've shut a friend out, first and foremost. No one is really gonna be in a 'perfect' state while in a relationship (albiet, there are better states of emotional and mental health before getting into a relationship) - but you were already with her and she I'm sure is fully aware, so where or what is the key point here for you to actually cut off a support line to help you get through your really tough moments?[/QUOTE]

Since I think this can be enlightening entirely on its own, try to imagine that perhaps support is not the nature of what is being given. Perhaps instead of actual support--which is as much about being able to let go as it is being able to be there in the trenches--it is affection being offered selfishly, without regard to the circumstances, without regard to the other person's direct statements and requests.

Now plug that into the variable instead of support and see how justified it is. I think this is likely where the issue lies. This is what my intuition and experience would suggest.
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Old 2010-03-31, 22:46   Link #4051
Mystique
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Originally Posted by Ricky Controversy View Post
Since I think this can be enlightening entirely on its own, try to imagine that perhaps support is not the nature of what is being given. Perhaps instead of actual support--which is as much about being able to let go as it is being able to be there in the trenches--it is affection being offered selfishly, without regard to the circumstances, without regard to the other person's direct statements and requests.

Now plug that into the variable instead of support and see how justified it is. I think this is likely where the issue lies. This is what my intuition and experience would suggest.
If support isn't the nature of what is being given, then it isn't support, it'd become a destructive force. I was taking into RB's note of her mentioning issues outside of her relationship weighing her down and playing a part into the break up of her relationship and adding the factor that if her partner understood and could chill on the romance/fun stuffs cause if it, then there's no need for a cut out.
What it sounded like to me was 'I got too much going on, I can't cope nor deal with romance at the moment, I need to end my relationship.'
Which had me thinking 'wait, if the other person hasn't done anything that adds to the stress of your life, then why cut out a support line, since you seem to get on with each other?'

But as I mentioned before, it was replying of what I was reading.
The situation as it was mentioned, just didn't sit right with me.

As it was, it's an incomplete puzzle (so I've been updated as to what went down) - and the deal between RB and her partner seems to have been somewhat settled for now.
@ RB - Whether you can remain friends and develop from this event in the months to come, I wish you guys good luck with that.
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Old 2010-04-02, 11:49   Link #4052
Shiemi
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This is not so much as asking for dating advice, but I wanted to share how I've been feeling lately. In less than 4 months I'll be getting married. As the date gets closer, I've been having feelings of excitement, but also feelings of dread. For one part, I am happy, but then another side of me gets scared of something going wrong.

I wonder what will happen after the "honeymoon stage" is over. I wonder if I'll miss my single life and if he will miss his. In fact, I talked to him about this and he also has the same feelings of excitement and dread. He also wonders if he will start missing his staying late playing videogames during weekends without thoughts of going out the next day or takings the kids to the park. He wonders if he will feel he has no alone time anymore. Yet, he says he doesn;t want to go back ever to being alone.

I feel the same way, wondering if I'll feel I lack freedom, if he will end up leaving me with all the chores (though he assures me he won't and we've sort of practiced already taking turns in the kitchen, doing dishes, etc.) It's hard to explain and after having gone through a divorce before, my fears sometimes increase.

He is great with my daughters and they like him a lot too. Sometimes, they even call him daddy. In that sense, I also fear what would happen if anything would go wrong. How the little ones would take it... I guess it's a risk I have to take and so far I think it is worth it.

On another note, I have a problem. To this day, my ex husband has no idea that I'm engaged and getting married. I don't even know if he knows I have someone though I told his brother at some point. I have no idea how to tell my ex husband or if I ought to tell him. It's confusing. My head is quite messy at the moment and my daughters tell me not to tell their father yet because even they fear how he might react. But he will eventually know somehow. Hmm...
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Old 2010-04-02, 12:17   Link #4053
RadiantBeam
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shiemi View Post
On another note, I have a problem. To this day, my ex husband has no idea that I'm engaged and getting married. I don't even know if he knows I have someone though I told his brother at some point. I have no idea how to tell my ex husband or if I ought to tell him. It's confusing. My head is quite messy at the moment and my daughters tell me not to tell their father yet because even they fear how he might react. But he will eventually know somehow. Hmm...
I can understand your fears, but I think it's best right now to tell him yourself, right away, instead of waiting for him to find out in another way. It's true that you have no idea how he will respond, and it's true that he'll probably be angry with you or, at the very least, he'll be hurt by it. Still, though, the sooner he finds out the better; and it's better that he finds out from you, and not from anyone else. The direct approach is usually the best approach, even if you're not sure of how he'll react.
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Old 2010-04-02, 12:52   Link #4054
cheyannew
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Originally Posted by Shiemi View Post
This is not so much as asking for dating advice, but I wanted to share how I've been feeling lately. In less than 4 months I'll be getting married. As the date gets closer, I've been having feelings of excitement, but also feelings of dread. For one part, I am happy, but then another side of me gets scared of something going wrong.

I wonder what will happen after the "honeymoon stage" is over. I wonder if I'll miss my single life and if he will miss his. In fact, I talked to him about this and he also has the same feelings of excitement and dread. He also wonders if he will start missing his staying late playing videogames during weekends without thoughts of going out the next day or takings the kids to the park. He wonders if he will feel he has no alone time anymore. Yet, he says he doesn;t want to go back ever to being alone.

I feel the same way, wondering if I'll feel I lack freedom, if he will end up leaving me with all the chores (though he assures me he won't and we've sort of practiced already taking turns in the kitchen, doing dishes, etc.) It's hard to explain and after having gone through a divorce before, my fears sometimes increase.

He is great with my daughters and they like him a lot too. Sometimes, they even call him daddy. In that sense, I also fear what would happen if anything would go wrong. How the little ones would take it... I guess it's a risk I have to take and so far I think it is worth it.

On another note, I have a problem. To this day, my ex husband has no idea that I'm engaged and getting married. I don't even know if he knows I have someone though I told his brother at some point. I have no idea how to tell my ex husband or if I ought to tell him. It's confusing. My head is quite messy at the moment and my daughters tell me not to tell their father yet because even they fear how he might react. But he will eventually know somehow. Hmm...
Most couples have their alone time; my hubby'll watch the cubs whilst I go out with friends to see a band or something... he'll go to a movie w/ his friends, and I stay home.. it works out, just involves discussion.

As for telling the ex? uhm, why? I mean, is there something in the court order that states you have to tell him about your personal life? If your daughters asked you not to mention it, I don't see why you would, in the first place.
Unless it directly affects him (or your daughters like hey we're moving) then it's none of his business IMO. He lost his chance to interfere in your personal life when you guys split, IMO
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Old 2010-04-02, 13:43   Link #4055
Kaijo
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cheyannew View Post
Most couples have their alone time; my hubby'll watch the cubs whilst I go out with friends to see a band or something... he'll go to a movie w/ his friends, and I stay home.. it works out, just involves discussion.

As for telling the ex? uhm, why? I mean, is there something in the court order that states you have to tell him about your personal life? If your daughters asked you not to mention it, I don't see why you would, in the first place.
Unless it directly affects him (or your daughters like hey we're moving) then it's none of his business IMO. He lost his chance to interfere in your personal life when you guys split, IMO
I'm gonna agree with this. You'll have your moments where you can still do things by yourself in a relationship. You don't have to be together all of the time. Just talk about it, what you'd each like to do at least occasionally, and allow the other person to do it. No pressure.

And about your ex, you don't *have* to tell him, unless you're on speaking terms with him and you share things. Perhaps share any reasons why you might want to let him know, and we can let advise you if it's really a good idea or not?^^
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Old 2010-04-02, 13:59   Link #4056
cheyannew
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I'm gonna agree with this. You'll have your moments where you can still do things by yourself in a relationship. You don't have to be together all of the time. Just talk about it, what you'd each like to do at least occasionally, and allow the other person to do it. No pressure.

And about your ex, you don't *have* to tell him, unless you're on speaking terms with him and you share things. Perhaps share any reasons why you might want to let him know, and we can let advise you if it's really a good idea or not?^^
Well, what put up red flags for me about telling him (besides the fact it's none of his business) was that her daughters asked NOT to.. because they're not sure how he'd react.

Now, granted, eventually he'll find out, but it doesn't sound like he's terribly stable, therefore I'd have a third party (SAFE) associate (like a cop or something haha) notify him, rather than have to deal with drama like that.

I'm still on my personal thing of it being none of his business, but that's me LOL
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Old 2010-04-02, 14:17   Link #4057
Shiemi
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Originally Posted by cheyannew View Post
Well, what put up red flags for me about telling him (besides the fact it's none of his business) was that her daughters asked NOT to.. because they're not sure how he'd react.

Now, granted, eventually he'll find out, but it doesn't sound like he's terribly stable, therefore I'd have a third party (SAFE) associate (like a cop or something haha) notify him, rather than have to deal with drama like that.

I'm still on my personal thing of it being none of his business, but that's me LOL
You're dead on with the red flags thing. My ex is very unstable and violent. Let's just say I might not even be here writing if I had stayed together with him.

I still want him to know at some point that I'm going on with my life and I don't want him to learn in a bad way. I might need a third party indeed.

Thanks Arbitres, RB, cheyannew, and Kaijo for replying.

I know I will go on and get married during summer. I will hope for the best. Now, on the ex thing. Will see if I write to his brother again. My oldest daughter doesn't want to tell her own father about me getting married because she fears for my well being.
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Old 2010-04-02, 14:29   Link #4058
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shiemi View Post
You're dead on with the red flags thing. My ex is very unstable and violent. Let's just say I might not even be here writing if I had stayed together with him.

I still want him to know at some point that I'm going on with my life and I don't want him to learn in a bad way. I might need a third party indeed.

Thanks Arbitres, RB, cheyannew, and Kaijo for replying.

I know I will go on and get married during summer. I will hope for the best. Now, on the ex thing. Will see if I write to his brother again. My oldest daughter doesn't want to tell her own father about me getting married because she fears for my well being.
Then yeah, don't tell him. I was only probing to see if there would be any reason to, and it doesn't look like there is any. I'd echo the third party at most.
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Old 2010-04-02, 14:46   Link #4059
Kafriel
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I wonder what will happen after the "honeymoon stage" is over. I wonder if I'll miss my single life and if he will miss his.
Your honeymoon doesn't have to be the most epicly romantic week of your life, although it's great if it turns out to be so. I'd take it as premium time I get to spend with my wife, and try to live it as happily as possible.
About the single life part: I've been in love with a girl (well, woman now) for 7 years, and everytime someone asks me if random girl A is good for me, I'd always think about her and simply say no to everyone else. So, if I was married to her, I just wouldn't even think about other girls around me.
The ex stuff is complicated, your actions depend on your relationship after breaking up( actual friends, facebook friends you'd talk to once a year, strangers?) as well as your feelings about each other, so I can't really tell you what to do; I definitely wouldn't invite my ex to my wedding though, even if we were close friends, as a matter of etiquette.
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Old 2010-04-02, 15:56   Link #4060
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaijo View Post
Then yeah, don't tell him. I was only probing to see if there would be any reason to, and it doesn't look like there is any. I'd echo the third party at most.
I'm going to back up the idea of having a third party involved, but I still think sooner or later he's going to have to find out; and he might be even angrier and become more violent if he hears it through someone else and not from you (Shiemi, not Kaijo) directly.
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