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Old 2013-08-30, 08:58   Link #4381
omega253
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Quote:
Originally Posted by demino_hellsin View Post
Plot dumping

Title: "To aru Koukousei no Seito", "A certain Highschool student"

Spoiler for premise:


Spoiler for plot:
Interesting plotline. How would Touma's class react to him, though?
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Old 2013-08-30, 09:11   Link #4382
demino_hellsin
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The women except Fukiyose will most likely feel sorry for him. The males will be both concerned and angry. Mostly because the immediate women in the vicinity like him more now and then ballistic later when they learn he gets calc support from 2 very very beautiful younger level 5 girls.
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Old 2013-08-30, 09:52   Link #4383
MrTerrorist
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Redux chapter is out

Oh, Kuroko. Staring at Misaki breasts? You perv.
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Old 2013-08-30, 10:03   Link #4384
demino_hellsin
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The idea was also born out of wonder. "If Touma had his memories. Would he be a better fighter?". Terra of the left really puts this question in the forefront when making conjectures about the imaginebreaker midfight.

Sample scenario:

Mugino: Railgun huh? I heard some pretty interesting rumors.

Mikoto: ...

Mugino: is it true that you gave up some of your powers just to save this trash? *nods head to Touma*

Mikoto: He's not trash.

Mugino: Ofcourse he's not. You are! After all, to give up even a fraction of a fraction of power for level 0 filth? Ha! That's the lowest of the low. I can't accept that I'm ranked lower than you. By the end of this day, I'll make sure a shitstain like you won't even be mentioned in the same category as me.

Mikoto: fine. I'll ta-

Touma: ... *eases Mikoto away with one arm.*

Mikoto: You-!

Touma: *steps forward* *gets into a stance to fight* *signals Mikoto to get ready to run with him*

Mugino: aww... How sweet. Protecting her to the death are we? What are you!? Some kind of fucking knight in shit shining armor!?! Let me tell you this. I hate your kind the most. Idiots who don't know anything about hurting, about being hurt, about cruelty. All of you just cling to that illusion of idealism. I'm different. Even if I was surrounded by the ideal from the start, I recognized the darkness, I accepted it! I took it all in! I'll hunt you down and skin you for a rug!

Touma: * stops moving* *grips fist tightly* *pushes Mikoto away*

Mikoto: You're fighting?

Touma: *reaches for the electrode on his neck* I have to. That messed up illusion... I'll break it!

Last edited by demino_hellsin; 2013-08-30 at 11:54.
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Old 2013-08-30, 15:52   Link #4385
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Quote:
Originally Posted by demino_hellsin View Post
Plot dumping

Title: "To aru Koukousei no Seito", "A certain Highschool student"
Minor nitpicking: "Koukousei" already means "Highschool student." If you insist that you must keep the "Seito" (student) part after that you might want to make it "Toaru Koukou no Seito" instead.

Just my two cents.
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Old 2013-08-30, 16:39   Link #4386
demino_hellsin
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I figured as much. Tried to open a translation site I trusted but it kept timing out @_@
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Old 2013-08-30, 17:00   Link #4387
omega253
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Try writing the idea into a full story. It's too good to be sitting here in this thread. Or at the very least, post it as a challenge on fanfiction.net.

That, or I just want to see a smitten Mugino who had her illusions broken stalking crippled!Touma. It's too interesting to not imagine.
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Old 2013-08-30, 17:12   Link #4388
demino_hellsin
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Mugino doesn't stalk in this case. She openly declares taking Touma away from those tokiwadai girls

Well there is stalking, but only mostly for seduction. And maybe threatening and S&M play(fight to the death) on Mugino's part.
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Old 2013-08-30, 17:14   Link #4389
omega253
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I just want to see something like this happen. It's just one of those unique ideas that can make a reader go 'why didn't anybody think of this until now?'. And brings people to the story.

Here's a thought.

Mugino makes the announcement that she wants Touma in front of his school. Or at least his class.
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Old 2013-08-30, 17:16   Link #4390
demino_hellsin
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I can imagine the chaos well off to my univ for a bit. Be back in like... 10 hours.

--------

Mugino:...

Touma: *Are you here for another fight?* *he writes on a notepad.

Mugino: If you have enough composure to write that out then I doubt you really think that.

Touma: *You're right. I don't.

Mikoto & Misaki: Ah! What are you doing here? *both echo as they arrive*

Mugino: Hmph, nothing that you brats should mind.

Mikoto: Ofcourse we should mind. You come in here harassing our charge.

Misaki: It is well within our rights to visit someone whom we are lending aid to yes? I doubt someone who just destroys like you would understand.

Mugino: Oh really? *raises an eyebrow* So judging from those collars I take it both of you are lending him calculation support?

Mikoto, Misaki, Touma: *PIKU!*

Mugino: Well... *raises one hand ominously*

Touma: *tenses up but refuses to clench his fist*

Misaka: *starts feeling the tingle of electricity*

Misaki: *One hand already on her remote*

Mugino: Let me give him some of my calculative ability as well.

DONG!

Misaka: W-wait. What!?!?!

Misaki: I would like to know what you mean by that! *flustered*

Mugino: When I fought him he was moving pretty sluggishly. I'm guessing not all of his motor nerves are at their 100%. Pfft, it's pretty sad that I'd lose against someone like this. Heck it's even sadder that the support of two level 5s only amounted to that much. So I figured that if I wanted to kill him at his best, maybe I should lend him some of my strength as well. Or better yet... *licks her lips* why don't I just take him for myself? I have the mind to spare anyway and a personal manservant has been one of the things I've been looking for.

Last edited by demino_hellsin; 2013-08-31 at 03:03.
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Old 2013-08-31, 03:20   Link #4391
tsunade666
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Quote:
Originally Posted by omega253 View Post
Aiyahhhh... *groans*

This is too much. I need to know something. I need someone to tell about how I did in writing the fight scene between Index and Touma in my AU story, To Ascend.

The AU changes some things like Aleister being a female, and Touma being OP. I want to know if my story seems interesting for an AU. I'm just asking for people to read the fight scene if I did alright.

Here's the link to the chapter with the fight scene, it takes up most of the chapter:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9605098/6/To-Ascend
ah. good story. Review for chapter 4-6

The battle with Kaori is also nice and her reaction when she is in high is also favorable
the beat down on skill-out is good
Nice fight with Index
Good thing for Fukiyose to see it but what do you plan with her? there is another fic which starts with her. A certain unknown level 0. But after her appearance. She was left out.

Good things aside.

I can praise your fight but it still lack something. hmm... need more edge on it or rather Touma is... making the fight less exciting. I know his OP but if his OP then make the fight fast if the opponent is totally outclass. Look at Mahouka. Tatsuya is OP and his battles are badass fast. And if the battle is even or the opponent is strong just like Index. Then go all out. Index in John Pen mode could damage more than that. And lastly.... don't repair the damage >_> I was disappointed when you do the magic that repair damages. It removes a bit of realism in tamni's work. Damage title can't be magically fix easily. Specially demolish buildings. A damage roads can be repaired by earth magic but not repairing a city block.

Look at the novel. Some of the fight there where left not repaired by the "mysterious carpenter"(from NT 8 when Touma which he knew where he can found them to repair his wall) and it leads to investigation. Kuroko saw the devastation between the battle of Touma and Accelerator. It leads to doubts and possible future development.

Don't magically repair large scale damage. This is not shana and they aren't in a fuzetsu.

Need more character interaction. It's lacking in that part. Specially on Index and Touma's interaction.

Also you need to specify the environment or setting on where are they fighting or where they are. The battle between Touma and Index should lead to a lot of property damage and possible eye witness. It will lead to another can of worms or problems which is why I was surprised when you do the magical repair thing. Plus why introduce "IT" early in the story?

You intended for it to appear early? it will lead for Laura to be interested on him and other magical association that heard his feat. IT will LEAD to a WHOLE LOT MORE TROUBLE.

I can see it already. Magician morning, afternoon and midnight battle.

Forget school already

overall. Its good but need a lot more improvement.

well for now. that's it. I will read the previews post and discussion so I will be up to date on what happens here after I sleep.
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Old 2013-08-31, 04:20   Link #4392
omega253
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Okay, now that is the type of critique I needed to start fixing things up. I was going back to edit all of my chapters for grammar and I felt that I needed something extra to do.

I'm going to rewrite the Index and Touma interaction at the end of Chapter 5 first. As for the damage repairs, it wasn't magic, I can tell you that. I have the Invisible Thing, Aiwass, and also WHITE (you know what this entity is, right?) classified in something different from magic and science.

The collateral from Touma and Index's fight was so large that it trashed nearly the entire district. At that point, people would start thinking it was a terrorist attack rather than an incident. I'll make sure to include the location in the edited version as well.

I labeled them Other Beings because they are just that different. Their power is on such another scale that it's unimaginable. Repairing some collateral is literally as easy as a fleeting thought to them. And I wanted for Stiyl, Index and Kanzaki to know that Kamijou Touma is not one to be trifled with when he can lock up something like the Invisible Thing.

And yes, there will be a whole lot more trouble. The Kihara family has already shown interest in him, I might have fun writing that one. He already knows about magic, the how will be explained later on. And thanks for bringing up the point about Tatsuya and his delivering of curb-stomp. I have something planned for Accelerator.....

Magicians aren't going to keep attacking him out of nowhere, though. He is still hidden from the majority by Crowley's machinations and careful planning. If they did attack him nonstop, Touma would snap and go on another warpath. I mean, just look at what happened in NT 6. Only this time, it's against the entire magic side.

And I've already stated in Chapter 1 that my OP!Touma's power level is above the Invisible Thing so ..... the only magician who could possibly injure him is the Magic God. And even then, they would need some luck to help their probability magic to defeat him.

Who says Laura can't keep a secret? I figure that she would come to Academy City for some type of personal meeting with him or request Crowley to send him over. Besides, do you know how many magicians have entered Academy City already? It's ridiculous.

Fukiyose won't be left out, that's for sure. She's kind of a side-character, but she will pop up from time to time. In fact, here's a little spoiler for Chapter 7: She has her awkward/serious conversation with Kamijou.

Anyway thanks for the honest opinion. I need some constructive criticism to make this story better, because it's my first ever full fic.
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Old 2013-08-31, 06:55   Link #4393
SmokinFerret88
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Location: The darkest corner with the best view...
::::ATTENTION::::

Chapter 17 of A Certain World of Darkness is up.

::::THAT IS ALL::::
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Mugino is Love.

Mugino is Life.

Shizuri's my Dove.

Shizuri's my Wife.
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Old 2013-08-31, 06:57   Link #4394
demino_hellsin
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I was waiting for this!
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Old 2013-08-31, 07:00   Link #4395
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Hope you enjoy it.
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Old 2013-08-31, 09:09   Link #4396
MrTerrorist
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SmokinFerret88 View Post
::::ATTENTION::::

Chapter 17 of A Certain World of Darkness is up.

::::THAT IS ALL::::
Yes! Thank you.
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Old 2013-08-31, 11:07   Link #4397
R.LocK
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...Had I unintentionally channeled Kamachi or what? Just c'mon, I wrote a passage about magic names losing their meanings about a month ago, and now Kamachi's written about it.

Also, reading ACWOD now.
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Old 2013-08-31, 11:29   Link #4398
SmokinFerret88
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Quote:
...Had I unintentionally channeled Kamachi or what? Just c'mon, I wrote a passage about magic names losing their meanings about a month ago, and now Kamachi's written about it.
This one is confused....

Quote:
Also, reading ACWOD now.
I hope you enjoy it.
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Shizuri's my Dove.

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Old 2013-08-31, 11:49   Link #4399
R.LocK
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SmokinFerret88 View Post
This one is confused....
I'm talking about the most recent SS about Necessarius. I've written a paragraph about magic names, and then Kamachi foreshadowed something about magic names. Oh well. Then again, my passage was about something different.

Quote:
I hope you enjoy it.
I did.
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Old 2013-08-31, 11:53   Link #4400
SmokinFerret88
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Quote:
I'm talking about the most recent SS about Necessarius. I've written a paragraph about magic names, and then Kamachi foreshadowed something about magic names. Oh well. Then again, my passage was about something different.
Ah, that reminds me, I need to look into that subject myself. I still have a magic-side OC that needs work. Where exactly did you post what you wrote; cause now I'm interested.

Quote:
I did.
I'm glad, it warms mah heart. Did you(or anyone else for that matter) catch the hints I left in this chapter?
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Last edited by SmokinFerret88; 2013-08-31 at 12:17.
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