A Laugh A Day

[OutPhase]

The Adventures of Kool-Aid Man!

[AnimeFangirl]

Originally Posted by Razer_2mb

The Adventures of Kool-Aid Man!

I got a good laugh out of those adventures.

[Lina Inverse]

Originally Posted by Razer_2mb

This is actually safe for work despite what the url says. I should do that sometime. Get them in the mood, then douse their flame of arousal, and light their to tourch of being pissed off.

http://www.chrudat.com/the_best_cyber_sex.html

I think I saw this before... but this is really funny as hell

[Aoie_Emesai]

If it's safe for Work, is it safe for school?

[OutPhase]

Yes since it's just text. There are no suggestive images.

[Pellissier]

While here's what happens when you're playing soccer and you just ask too much to yourself!

http://img284.imageshack.us/img284/740/1758397170et.gif

Or even worse, when you try some high level gym exercise, but lack the skills...

http://img210.imageshack.us/img210/9185/backflip6xn.gif

[Shay]

Deleted.....

[StateOfMind]

I have made a thread with this exact name in another forum >.>

stupidest blonde ever (keep in mind this is a girl graduating from highschool)

girl:"Where is Canada?"

me:"above the United States"

girl:"Oh, and where are the United States?"

me:"O_O where we live"

girl:"ohhhh so do you drive through Austrailia to get there?"

me:"..................*got up and left*"

[Green²]

[OutPhase]

The link I'm about to leads to a movie, but not just any movie, but one that leads to a film that should remain remembered as one of the greatest movies ever made. Without firther delay, I present to you Mr. Dragon Slayer Man and the Journey to the Future:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...45108449307160

[Komataguri]

Originally Posted by Green²

[IMG ]http://img501.imageshack.us/img501/9030/liar0cl.jpg[/IMG]

use of Karin's Mama = insta win.

[Aoie_Emesai]

I found a pretty funny picture.

Spoiler:

It looks like a tank with rocket a engine, but it's not.

Here's a joke i've heard a while ago. Sorta racist though.

Spoiler:

How come the mexicans don't have any track or swimming olympic teams? It's because every mexicans that can swim or run is already in america. I hope that's how it went.

Razer_2mb - That movie was too long for me. Though it was funny.

Here's my favorite one from some of the beginning jokes and such.

Spoiler:

Originally Posted by NoSanninWa

Here's a cute trick that everyone should know.

• Go to http://www.google.com
• type (or copy-paste): French Military Victories
• Click on the "I'm feeling lucky" button. This will take you to the most probable page, skipping the results page altogether.
  AE- If you don't understand it at first, go try it. You'll understand after you try it.

---

Ok i went back form the beginning and found some pretty funny jokes, here they are. Well some of them, there's really too many.

Cammie

Spoiler:

Originally Posted by Cammie

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and --WHACK!! -- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --Bong!!!-- bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

EDIT: I had to add this one.

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Dragonz20

Spoiler:

Originally Posted by dragonz20

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.

One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also say 'no' to her, You will thirdly come up with my wife, and I will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me. But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said yes this time."

The moral of the story is whenever a man lies, it is for an honorable and useful reason.

More Of Dragoonz20

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Saif had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," Saif said.
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got!"
Saif just reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the wise-ass, young man, he says, "All right. Get in..."

More dragonz20 works

Spoiler:

Originally Posted by dragonz20

The old Cherokee chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the US Government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."

The Chief nodded that it was so.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night making love to women."

The Chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

great quotes:
Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if
they already know everything."

Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it
for a while...it isn't so hot.

"I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get
to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen."

"If you're playing a poker game and you look around the
table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you."

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant.
Every table had an argument going."

"According to a recent survey, men say the first thing
they notice about a women are their eyes.
And women say the first thing they notice about men
is they're a bunch of liars."

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred
dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now
the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

"Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.
I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the
first."

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but
it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half
for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

Nosaninwa

Spoiler:

Originally Posted by NoSanninWa

A man was sitting at a bar listening to a pianist playing the most beautiful music he had ever heard, but when he turned to watch the pianist play, he was no where in sight.

Puzzled, the man asked the bartender "Is that a 'Player Piano?, I've never heard one play so well before."

The bartender answered, "No sir, There's a man whose only a foot tall playing the thing. Go check him out for yourself." The man went over and saw him play and then came back to the bar.

"Where did you ever find him, that's amazing!"

The bartender replied, "I got him as a result of a wish from this magic lamp. Would you like to try?"

The man agreed to give it a try and wished for the first thing he could think of... POOF! An enormous flock of ducks suddenly appeared out of nowhere, filling the bar and spilling out into the street!

The man says, "Wait a minute, I asked for a thousand bucks, and it looks like I got a 1000 Ducks, what gives?"

The bartender responded, "Sorry buddy, but do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

Amy

Spoiler:

Originally Posted by Amy

lol, coowl topic... some funny quotes:

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."

"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."

"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage."

"Flying is easy, you just throw yourself as hard as you can at the ground, and miss."

"Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter."

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "

"If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it because I can't swim."

"Does not enable user to fly"
- Warning on Batman cape

"I have lost friends, some by death, others through sheer inability to cross the street."

I've still got some more, but I'll post those later ^^

hobobaggins

Spoiler:

Originally Posted by hobobaggins

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<Eticam> I was in biology class once, and the teacher said there was sugar in sperm
<Eticam> And a girl asked why doesn't it taste sweet then
<Eticam> When she realised what she said her face became red like a spanked monkey ass
<Eticam> Then the teacher said, because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the part of your tongue back in your throat
<Eticam> The girl started crying and left class ^^

Originally Posted by hobobaggins

[12:28] <Cortel> <Th3No0b> Im going to be the next hitler
[12:28] <Cortel> <Th3No0b> Im going to kill all the jews and 1 clown
[12:28] <Cortel> <RageAgainsttheAmish> why the clown
[12:28] <Cortel> <Th3No0b> See? no one cares about the jews

[12:06] <Cortel> <superwoman> I had a boyfriend once that made me suck him off while I had a mouthful of beer.
[12:06] <Cortel> <GrandCow> HAHAHAHA that was me bitch!
[12:06] <Cortel> <superwoman> DANNY?!?!?!
[12:06] <Cortel> <GrandCow> MOM?!?!?!?!

Slade xTekno

Spoiler:

Originally Posted by Slade xTekno

A young boy and a young girl were in the waiting room of a doctor's office. The little girl was sobbing sofly.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm getting a blood test. They're going to cut my finger," replied the little girl.
Then the little boy started sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little girl.
"I'm getting a urine test."

Originally Posted by Slade xTekno

Cool, a joke thread. Here's a few I've heard in other forums.
Two muffins were in the oven.
One asked the other, "Is it hot in here, or is it just me?"
The other one screamed, "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"

More HoboBaggins French Jokes

Spoiler:

Q. Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A. Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

Q. Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?
A. So the Germans could march in the shade.

Q: How many gears does a French tank have?
A: 4 reverse and 1 forward, in case the enemy attacks from the rear.

Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman?
A: Sunburned armpits.


Q: Why did the French celebrate their World Cup Championship in 2000 so wildly?
A: It was their first time they won anything without the help of the U.S.


Q: What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?
A: How to surrender in at least 10 languages.

Q: What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A: A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.

Q: Why does Nike like the French Army?
A: Because, in war time, they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.

Q: How do you stop a French tank?
A: Shoot the guy that's pushing it![/spoilers]
[spoilers=french quotes... old...]A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag." ˜David Letterman

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France." ˜Jay Leno

"Did you see the new bomb the government came up with? It weights 21,000 pounds. The Air Force tested this bomb in Florida and the bomb blast was so strong at Disneyworld 25 French tourists surrendered." ˜Jay Leno

"Broadway producers are saying that because of the war, musicals are suffering from weak ticket sales. Not only that, over at 'Les Miserables,' the French are refusing to take part in the revolution." ˜Conan O'Brien

"There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon." ˜Jay Leno

"A lot of Americans right now are angry at the French. In Washington, the cafeteria where the members of Congress eat announced that they have changed the name of 'french fries' to 'freedom fries.' Nothing like this has happened since the 1950s when 'russian dressing' changed to 'commie sauce.'" ˜Conan O'Brien

"In protest of France's opposition to a U.S. war on Iraq, the U.S. Congress' cafeteria has changed french fries and french toast to 'freedom fries' and 'freedom toast.' Afterwards, the congressmen were so pleased with themselves, they all started freedom kissing each other. In a related story, in France, American cheese is now referred to as 'idiot cheese.'" ˜Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Army personnel in Kuwait unloaded a dozen faulty tanks that only go in reverse. Tanks that only go in reverse ˜ they've been repackaged and sold to France." ˜Craig Kilborn

"I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac." ˜Dennis Miller (Click for more of Dennis Miller's rant)

"The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq." ˜Dennis Miller

"As you know our Allies of Evil are not being helpful with this Iraqi situation. With all due respect I think President Bush is handling this situation all wrong What Bush should do is send someone the French really respect, like Jerry Lewis." ˜Jay Leno

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." ˜Conan O'Brien

"Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?" ˜Jay Leno

"President Bush and National Security Guard Tom Ridge launched the new Department of Homeland Security, just 24 hours after taking us down to threat level French ˜ I'm sorry, I mean threat level yellow." ˜Craig Kilborn

"President Bush has called for the end of the marriage tax calling marriage a 'sacred institution recognized by God and man.' Wow, this guy can't stop slamming the French." ˜Craig Kilborn

"According to the Pentagon today, secret surrender negotiations are now underway with key Iraqi military officials. That's what the Pentagon said: We're in secret negotiations, so for God sakes, don't tell anyone. ... What we're doing basically is giving these key Iraqi military officials instructions on how to surrender. See, this is where we could have used the French." ˜Jay Leno

"President Bush has delivered a new resolution to the U.N. saying that Saddam has failed to cooperate with U.N. resolutions, freeing us to get our war on. Don't mess with us France, or we'll send Jerry Lewis to Iraq as a human shield." ˜Craig Kilborn

"After what they say was an exhaustive investigation, the Defense Minister of France said today that Osama bin Laden is either still in hiding in Afghanistan, he may have escaped to Pakistan, or he may be dead. Hey, France, thanks a lot. We'll take it from here. Hard to believe they were invaded twice." ˜Jay Leno

"American tourists in Paris are reported to being yelled at, spit upon, and attacked by the French. Thank God things are getting back to normal." ˜Jay Leno

"French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly." ˜Jay Leno

"Finally, this week the French soldiers have showed up in Afghanistan. Figures ˜ just like the French to show up after the hard work has been done." ˜Jay Leno

Ahhh I just noticed that dragonz20 has 5+ repeated post. Hahha ^^

[Radiosity]

We mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been
with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long
ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having
cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the
rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and
maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a
student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became
pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better
treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault. Common
Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise
that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap,
and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his
wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He
is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to
Blame,
and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.


Got this from my brother in an email, thought it was rather amusing
And rather sad too, considering it's all basically true.

[Aoie_Emesai]

Originally Posted by Radiosity

We mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been
with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long
ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having
cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the
rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and
maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a
student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became
pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better
treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault. Common
Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise
that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap,
and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his
wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He
is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to
Blame,
and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.


Got this from my brother in an email, thought it was rather amusing
And rather sad too, considering it's all basically true.

Radiosity - I'm having a fit trying to figure out whether you are mocking common sense or trying to provide us with semi-useful knowledge. Though like you said, all of these are 99% true to their word. Hahahah ^_^

[Eclipze]

Radiosity's post was actually in his own, seperate new thread, but apparently it got merged with this one.

[JanthraX^]

the penis requesting a raise!
Dear Management,



I, the Penis, hereby request a raise for the following reasons: -



I, do physical labour;

I work at great depths;

I plunge head first into everything I do;

I do not get weekends or holidays off;

I work in a damp environment;

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation;

I work in high temperatures;

My work exposes me to contagious diseases



Sincerely,



The Penis.



Management Response: -



Dear Penis,



After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: -



You do not work eight hours a day;

You fall asleep after a brief work period;

You do not always follow the orders of the Management team;

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations;

You do not take initiative;

You need to be pressured and simulated in order to start working;

You leave the work place rather messy at the end of your shift;

You do not always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing;

You will retire well before you are 65;

You are unable to work double shifts;

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed your assigned tasks;

And if that was not enough, you are constantly seen entering and exiting the work place carrying two suspicious looking bags;



Sincerely,



The Management.
Reply With Quote

[Aoie_Emesai]

Originally Posted by Eclipze

Radiosity's post was actually in his own, seperate new thread, but apparently it got merged with this one.

Yeah, I know. I was the first to post about his thread, till after I posted. Catgirl, I believe moved it to the "A Laugh A Day Thread." It sorta deserve it own thread, but I believe that it would've been unpopular with the crowds to get enough posts.

[Tabris]

Originally Posted by Razer_2mb

The Adventures of Kool-Aid Man!

Originally Posted by Razer_2mb

This is actually safe for work despite what the url says. I should do that sometime. Get them in the mood, then douse their flame of arousal, and light their to tourch of being pissed off.

http://www.chrudat.com/the_best_cyber_sex.html

I haven't laughed that hard about an internet website in quite a while.

[Sonhex]

It's just a jump to the left
And then a step to the right
With your hands on your hips
You bring your knees in tight
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane
Let's do the Time Warp again
Let's do the Time Warp again

[Aoie_Emesai]

My cousin found this pictures, I though they were pretty amusing.

Spoiler:

Spoiler:

Have fun. ^_^