2009-01-07, 20:00 | Link #3122 |
Insane Fangirl
Author
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Home of the 2010 Olympics
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Editing again.
Spoiler for chapter 4:
Review: You still retain ALL of the mistakes I have corrected the past two chapters. I suggest you edit it yourself before posting; it really does help. Sometimes, when you write something for the first time, you don't notice such details. Try to step away from it, and imagine your work was someone else's and look at it with a critial eye. Try asking these questions to yourself as you edit:
You are too straight forward when revealing something; try to be more subtle, as it creates suspense and makes the reader want to read even more. Sometimes it is good to make the reader walk in circles before you get to the point . I'll repeat again: edit it yourself before posting! Hot off the press items are never at their best.
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2009-01-08, 12:15 | Link #3123 | |
Warden of the West
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Casterly Rock
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I edit it myself but I always let something escape. What do you exactly mean by repetitive mistakes? Run-ons and stuff like that? |
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2009-01-09, 07:55 | Link #3128 |
Death by writing
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Hong Kong/Brisbane
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Actually from looking at Hari's edit of JB's previous chapter and this current chapter, there are admittedly less mistakes. But I would suggest to you, MisterJb, that you double-check your work, and then double-check it again. I'm surprised when I have even one typo in one of my chapters - your attitude should be the same when editing the work: typos are like deformities, they literally twist your work into something you don't want it to be. So take extra care.
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2009-01-10, 09:59 | Link #3131 |
Every word must conjure
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Reviews for the Week
1. MisterJB: Hari Michiru has done all the grammar editing already. The Isley vs. Thelmus fight is perhaps quite a twist that late in the chapter, but it seemed pretty expected after Isley had his chat with Miria. There's 1 small plot hole: if Thelmus could sense Deneve, why couldn't he sense Isley's surprise sneak attack? This plot hole becomes a bit salient considering Isley jumped in on them in his fully awakened form. 2. Yosei: Chapters 33-36 At the end of Chapter 36 you end with a weird kind of semi-expository take on the battles. Unconventional tactic, but it works for me. The battle with Luciela, while looking like a well-thought through scene, betrays 1 consistent issue with characters: there are just too many to keep up with. Clarice's appearance sort of throws the seriousness of the sisterly duel to the death on a sardonic note (Luciela's comment). Then there's the episode when Jean successfully wounds Beth. I consider any elaboration on Alicia & Beth's characters to be a step forward for any author - and what made me think more about how the Dark Ones fit into your story much better is not their appearance, or their unusually close relationship with Xu Chang, but rather the image that Alicia could get burnt by dissipating yoki. Its a creative image & weakness which none of us have thought up. Brilliant & original. It seems that in Imperial Fire the mark of character maturity is to get hooked to a Chinese male character - Cao Cao & Galatea, Flora & Zhao Yun, Cynthia & Zhou Tai - and now Alicia, Beth & Xu Chang. None of the other Claymore characters who stand by themselves get this much coverage, except maybe Rafaela. |
2009-01-10, 13:33 | Link #3132 |
Warden of the West
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Casterly Rock
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shelter: Thanks for the review.
Well Thelmus isn't exactlly the best Yoki-sensor. The one who felt where Helen, Deneve and Clare(whose arc I'm going to start after this one) was Inez. She was the Eye of the Org and is now the Eye of Darkhenus. Helen felt Isley coming, she just didn't knew who was coming and Deneve and Thelmus couldn't because they were too focused in the figth. Last edited by MisterJB; 2009-01-10 at 18:15. |
2009-01-11, 01:22 | Link #3133 |
Death by writing
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Hong Kong/Brisbane
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I'm glad you liked the "burning" Yoki that injured Alicia, Shelter. I re-emphasize that the six major characters are the central ones (I hope I've consistently made them out to be). It's a difficult thing to juggle especially when you try to put other characters in the spot like Alicia, Beth, Xu Huang or Zhao Yun. But the basic premise of the six characters are the main ones haven't changed.
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2009-01-11, 01:38 | Link #3134 |
Trying to be somebody
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Chronicles of the Three
Alright, time to post the next chapter of a long buried fanfiction I started here (It's a miracle!)
For those who haven't read the prologue, here's the link to it. http://forums.animesuki.com/showpost...postcount=2358 Now gather 'round folks, I'm about to spin some yarn. Spoiler for saving space:
Well, that was my first go at an action scene, It's pretty sloppy, but I think I did an ok job if I do say so myself, and hopefully I'll improve over time. I'll probably update it at a fairly irregular schedule, but I'll try to have it out once a week. Enjoy.
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Last edited by NobodyMan; 2009-01-11 at 05:35. |
2009-01-11, 03:31 | Link #3136 | |
Trying to be somebody
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Yeah, I know it's pretty flawed, hopefully with some help, I'll be able to improve my writing skiils. They can feel free to dissect it as they see fit. In the meantime, I'm going to head off to bed. Night.
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2009-01-11, 03:54 | Link #3137 | |
Every word must conjure
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Hello, NobodyMan.
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It's interesting that you begin your fic in action, & hold Raki's perspective all the way. Because the entire chapter, despite the near-death duel Raki had, comes across as very light-hearted. Add to that our knowledge of Isley as a master swordsman who's simply playing with the bandits & the atmosphere is more comic than dramatic. Was that your intention? There is also nothing 'sloppy' about the action sequence. There's a lot of repetition of one particular conjunction - "however" - which shows the turn of our expectations in who would win. Another thing about your fight scene is that written one move at a time: each character's movements are described nicely within a sentence, sometimes a paragraph. There's nothing wrong with that at all. But it gives an impression of a very, very calculated fight. Compared this to MisterJB in his last chapter (each sentence has multiple moves by multiple characters, creating a very confused but detailed brawl), or Yosei (fight scenes are moderated by setting descriptions & dialogue). In building your own style, it's always good see how others describe action-filled sequences & try to fill each scene with the appropriate amount of tension, detail, dialogue & structure. But good effort. Especially from someone whom everyone has been waiting for to continue after that prologue Update soon! |
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2009-01-11, 05:49 | Link #3138 | |
Trying to be somebody
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Yeah actually, I was trying to make this chapter more light-hearted and comedic. I wanted to start the story out with some lighthearted chapters before moving into the darker aspects of the story. I'll try to keep it a nice balance in those terms. Also trying to add a bit of humor into Claymore's usually dark world. Also, started with a fight scene because I want to pracrice my action sequences so that later fights are done better. Yeah, I'm going to study up on some fight scenes in other fanfics so that I can improve on my own. Haha, I'm sure I kept a few people waiting, and I apologize for that, but I'm sure not everyone was waiting for it.
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2009-01-11, 06:50 | Link #3139 |
Warden of the West
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Casterly Rock
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nobodyman: I liked it. I found it to be very funny and like shelter said, there is nothing wrong with the action scene, its fast-paced and that is the most important in my opinion.
Altough I wonder why did Isley ran, couldn't he have simply beaten the bandits rigth after they meet them? I hope to see more soon |
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fanfiction |
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