A Laugh A Day

[Cammie]

Hey heres more funny pics!!!

G.W.B

Spoiler:

Poor Ronald

Spoiler:

errrr...

Spoiler:

yummy!!!

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ummm this one might get me in trouble!!!

Spoiler:

[hobobaggins]

that last one was wrong wrong wrong.... although she was probably wearing a bathing suit....

[hobobaggins]

WE NEED MORE LAUGHTER!!!

Spoiler:

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "Whensmoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for"tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."
Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."
Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.
Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.
and finally...
In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."

Spoiler:

Thank God It's Friday
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

Spoiler:

In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town. If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.
All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.
If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.I.T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).
If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
Some of you already display aptitudes that would easily allow you to enter the Director of Intensity Program (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who do not qualify for this position but are still interested will certainly be referred to the Director Under Management Bureau (D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.). Those individuals who do not meet the requirements of The Bureau must first complete Special Training Under Personal Individual Discretion, Special High Intensity Training (S.T.U.P.I.D. S.H.I.T.).
If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) program.

[hobobaggins]

STUPID CHARACTER LIMIT!!!

Spoiler:

After 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood, the mailman was going to retire. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!
When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
'All of this was just too wonderful for words', he said; 'But what's the dollar for'?
'Well', she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; 'Screw him. Give him a dollar'. 'The breakfast was my idea!!'

Spoiler for stuff to say at an interview:

See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.
Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.'
Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: 'The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?'
After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, 'Of course I was totally hammered at the time.'
Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.
Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for '2000 Flushes'.
Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.
Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor.
Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.
Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.
Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.
Ask the secretary if she'll sit on your lap during the interview.
Walk into interviewer's office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; 'NOW we can begin.'
When making small talk and the Simpson trial comes up, shout: You mean Homer and Marge are in some kind of trouble?'
Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; 'smell these, these smell funny to you???'
Upon walking in to the office for first time, ask receptionist to hold all your calls.

Spoiler for church:

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[hobobaggins]

Spoiler for women:

As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. "How did everything go?" her mom asked.
"Oh, mother," she began, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language. Stuff I'd never heard before. Really terrible four-letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mother!" the new bride sobbed over the telephone.
"But, honey," the mother countered, "What four-letter words?"
"I can't tell you, mother, they're too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset.... Tell mother what four-letter words he used."
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook."

Spoiler:

ma and pa where rocking on the front porch when pa turned and slapped ma, ma said what was that for? pa said for forty years of bad sex. ma said oh and continued rocking. ma reached over and slapped pa. pa said what was that for? ma said for knowing the difference.

Spoiler for saving space. not crude:

40 Siberians melt.
50 Scandinavians sweat.
70 Alaskans declare record heatwave. Californians rise from hibernation.
80 Canadians turn on the air conditioning full blast. Arizona residents stop shivering.
90 Death Valley residents awaken. Scandinavians go underground.
100 British start sacrificing goats to make the sun go away. Californians finally turn off the heaters.
105 Texans drink coffee. Alaskans melt.
110 Arabians awaken and thaw. Canadians weep. New Yorkers burst open street fire hydrants.
120 Australians notice the sun is out. All Europeans and Canadians spontaneously combust.
130 Too hot to think. Texans and Californians undo top button. Antarctica is gone, polar bears extinct.
150 Miami residents put on sunglasses. Texans turn on the fan.
200 Arizona children amuse themselves by dropping eggs on sidewalk and giggle while they fry.
212 Water Boils. Death Valley residents put on deodorant.
327 Lead Boils. Okies notice it is warm out.
345 Saharans comment that the sand is a little stingy today.
400 Camels die.
2000 Nuclear blast nominal yield.

Spoiler for confusing:

15. Anti-terrorist cruise missile blown off course "just happens" to land on Ken Starr.
14. Drop in barometric pressure causes unexpected Viagra failure and results in a sudden surge in Trans Am purchases.
13. In Florida, howling of winds drowns out howling from Kennedy Compound.
12. Same $100 million hurricane damage in the Carolinas only costs $23.89 dollars in Alabama.
11. Employees at the Olean factory have no problem with orders to evacuate immediately.
10. Pamela Anderson experiences whiplash as breasts fly in opposite directions.
9. Jesse Helms actually observed leaning slightly to the left.
8. South Carolinians can now projectile-vomit over 430 feet!
7. Drop in barometric pressure causes girl-scout cookies to swell so large that they're temporarily worth six bucks a box.
6. Inexplicable changes in Al Roker's magnetic field.
5. Sudden shortage of Springer guests, as incest and promiscuity take a back seat to gettin' the ol' trailer right-side up again.
4. Headlines with the word "blow", but no mention whatsoever of Monica.
3. Pre-storm rush allows supermarkets to finally get rid of old stock of Spam and Zima.
2. Earl the plywood salesman starts tippin' fives at the topless club.
and Number 1 Odd Side Effect of Hurricanes...
1. White House interns get time off while the President drops his pants and lets nature take its course.

EDIT:

Spoiler:

After the airline pilot had managed to land his plane albeit bumpily following a descent through exceptionally heavy weather, he came out of the flight deck to bid his passengers farewell as they gratefully entered the jetway on their way back to terra firma.
The most memorable comment he received was from a little old lady who asked him politely whether he would please satisfy her curiosity on just one point: "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

EDIT2:

Spoiler:

Everybody knows about the Fujita Scale which measures the power of tornados. But nobody really knows what all those types of twisters do to COWS. So here is the MOOJITA Scale...
MOOJITA SCALE

M0 Tornado- Cows in an open field are spun around parallel to the wind flow and become mildly annoyed
M1 Tornado- Cows are tipped over and can't get up
M2 Tornado- Cows begin rolling with the wind
M3 Tornado- Cows tumble and bounce
M4 Tornado- Cows are AIRBORN
M5 Tornado- S T E A K ! ! !

[hobobaggins]

Spoiler:

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a new Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again.
"Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

Spoiler for hahahaa!:

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.

Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.

While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud-ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants, with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

Spoiler for thanksgiving:

* Open the oven, shove hunks of Velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.

* Shoot olive pits at Granpa's glasses (just pinch them in your fingers and they FLY!!)

* Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R, make a loud "BUZZ"ing noise.

* Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking.

* Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.

* Bring a date that only talks about her/his spouse at home.

* Hold your nose while you eat.

* Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

* Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice, you were worried for nothing."

* Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table.

* Announce that you've got a new fear of choking.

* When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.

* Twitch a lot and nervously tell the person next to you, "THE SAFETY IS ON", while you hold your pocket.

Spoiler for drunk's guide to turkey making:

How to Cook a Turkey

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

[mantidor]

LOL! thats hilarious

Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

I wish I could know how it sounds in spanish, chicken aroused??? hahahaha

[hobobaggins]

Originally Posted by mantidor

LOL! thats hilarious
I wish I could know how it sound in spanish, chicken aroused??? hahahaha

on that note: the slogan that is so popular in america, "Got Milk", when translated into spanish (for our neighbors south of the border), was written as "Are you lactating"

Spoiler for texas:

Like it or not, the new Texas White House will be in Crawford, Texas and soon will be drawing a number of people to the state, including many who are not used to Texas ways. They might find the following advice useful:


1) Don't expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curley, Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some J. Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than you. Don't refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot, Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Ann Richards) . However, we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state just so they can run for the US Senate. If anyone tried to do that they would get a serious ass kickin'.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Gen. Hood you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit the Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble, or we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how hot it gets and how high the humidity is, so shutup about it. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen, or we'll kick your ass.

8) Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their corn husk casing. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. DO NOT, under any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or contains no kidney beans, this will get your ass kicked into next week.

9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know they are not. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home-before we kick it.

10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.

11) Don't complain that certain areas of this state smells of oil. If your livelihood depended on those wells you'd soon learn to love the aroma. Besides, None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way
back to Pittsburgh, PA.

12) Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers, or they'll kick your ass-just like they did ours.

13) Don't think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in small towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime infested cesspools like Baltimore. Make fun of our small towns and we'll kick your ass.

14) DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Criticize the barbecue and you may go home in a pine box-minus your ass.

15) Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the first place is because we have not pulled the Border Patrol off the Rio Grande and put them on the Red River (where they really belong) to keep your ass out.

Spoiler for more texas:

1. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.

2. You use the phrase "fixin' to" almost daily.

3. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.

4. You've ever been excused from school because "the cows got out."

5. You can properly pronounce the town Mexia and Mesquite.

6. You can remember the name of the last state legislator to introduce a bill involving castration and he didn't mean farm animals.

7. You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway.

8. You can recall hot summers by the year they happened easier than you can remember your mother's birthday.

9. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.

10. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade.

11. You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.

12. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other one go first.

13. When you hear a tornado siren, you go out and look for a funnel.

14. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.

15. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.

16. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is.

17 . You know that everything goes better with Ranch.

18 . You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

19. You know that "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

20 . You are 100% Texan if you have ever had this conversation:
"You wanna Coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper."

Spoiler:

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."
The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.

Spoiler:

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a Ft. Worth cafe, four elderly Texas ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to San Antonio. For our 50th, I'm thinking 'bout going down there again to pick her up."

Spoiler:

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its
own, entitled Survivor - Texas Style. The contestants will start in
Dallas,
travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to
Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to
Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to
Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads,
"I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, George Strait Sucks, Hillary in 2004, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!" The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

[hobobaggins]

Originally Posted by xris

So therefore it's more 'heathly' to frown than smile, since you get more exercise that way. Sounds good to me...

43 muscles exercised already due to this thread...

i am personally aiming for more like 43,000.

Spoiler for texas chillie:

INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting. So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.

Spoiler:

When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.
A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
You can be legally married by publically introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times.
It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.
It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer.
The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
Abilene
It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.
Austin
Wire cutters can not be carried in your pocket.
Beaumont
Collegiate football is banned at Lamar University.
Borger
It is against the law to throw confetti, rubber balls, feather dusters, whips or quirts (riding crop), and explosive firecrackers of any kind.
Clarendon
It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster.
Dallas
It's illegal to possess realistic dildos.
El Paso
Churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons "of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them."
Houston
Beer may not be purchased after midnight on a Sunday, but it may be purchased on Monday.
It is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.
Galveston
It is illegal to drive a motor car down Broadway before noon on Sundays.
Jasper
Dogs must be on a leash at ALL times. Fine of 100 dollars.
LeFors
It is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer while standing.
Lubbock County
It is illegal to drive within an arm's length of alcohol - including alcohol in someone else's blood stream.
Mesquite
It is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.
Port Arthur
Obnoxious odors may not be emitted while in an elevator.
Richardson
It is now illegal to place a "for sale" sign on a car if it visible from the street.
It is illegal to do "U Turns".
San Antonio
It is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands.
It is illegal to urinate on the Alamo.
Temple
No one may ride a horse and buggy through the town square.
You can ride your horse in the saloon.
Cattle thieves may be hanged on the spot.
Texarkana
Owners of horses may not ride them at night without tail lights.

TEACHER JOKES!!!

Spoiler for not teacher?:

He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms..........

And then he stuffed the turkey.

[hobobaggins]

Originally Posted by xris

So therefore it's more 'heathly' to frown than smile, since you get more exercise that way. Sounds good to me...

43 muscles exercised already due to this thread...

i am personally aiming for more like 43,000,000.
OH NOS! a double post! just have to edit and give you more.

Spoiler for teacher:

The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, "Now I'll show you this frog in my pocket." He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, "That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch."
The teacher brings a statue of Venus into class and asks, "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert."
"The artwork," says Robert.
"Very good. And you, Peter?"
"Her tits!" says Peter.
"Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher with disgust. "And you, Johnny?"
"I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."

Spoiler:

A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked, "Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?"
The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!"
The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

Spoiler for sex, implied:

Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Arnold gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones and asked the same question.
Miss Jones, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. Jacobs. "And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you.
One, you have not studied your lesson.
Two, you have a dirty mind.
And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

Spoiler:

Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a liquid that won't freeze ?
Pupil: Hot water !

Teacher: Does anyone know which month has 28 days ?
Pupil: All of them !

Why was the head teacher worried ?
Because there were so many rulers in the school !

Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line ?
Pupil: I tried, but there was someone already there !

Teacher: If I bought a hundred current buns for a dollar, what would each bun be ?
Pupil: Stale !

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow ?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass !

Teacher: What is "can't" short for ?
Pupil: Can not miss.

Teacher: and what is "don't" short for
Pupil: Doughnut !

Teacher: Can anyone tell me what the Dog Star is ?
Pupil: Lassie !

Teacher: In 1940, what were the Poles doing in Russia ?
Pupil: Holding up the telegraph lines !

Teacher: Why are you standing on your head ?
Pupil: I'm just turning over things in my mind, sir !

Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it ?
Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me ?

[hobobaggins]

i really really hate this word/character limit thingy... hey! i have a suggestion!

Spoiler:

Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Spoiler for sex:

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

Spoiler for stuff you can only say at thanksgiving:

Talk about a huge breast!

Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

It's Cool Whip time!

If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

Whew, that's one terrific spread!

I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

Are you ready for seconds yet?

It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

Don't play with your meat.

Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

You still have a little bit on your chin.

How long will it take after you stick it in?

When the little thingy pops up it's ready.

Mmmm, moist meat.

I'm stuffed!

Q: How do you confuse an idiot?
A: Give him two spades and tell him to take his pick.

Spoiler for haha:

Would You Remarry?

"Dear," asked a wife. "What would you do if I died?"

"Why dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"

"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.

"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.

"Don't you like being married?" asked the wife.

"Of course I do, dear" he said.

"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."

"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.

"Yes," said the husband.

"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" asked the wife.

After a long pause. "Well, yes, I suppose I would," replied the husband.

"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"

"I suppose, if she wanted to," said the husband.

"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"

"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."

"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too!?"

"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."

Spoiler:

A Tennessee man and an Alabama man were fighting in a war, and both were caught by the enemy.

"Before i put you to death," said the enemy, "do you have any last requests?"

The Alabama man said, "Could you shoot me after you play the song [singlequote]Yeah, Alabama?"

"Sure," the man agreed. "How about you?"

The Tennessee man said, "Could you shoot me before you play [singlequote]Yeah, Alabam?"

Spoiler:

You might be a true stoner if.....
************************************************** ******************************

1=If the highest grade you ever had was at a C+ and you were proud of it.
2=If you think it took 20 min. to get to the bus stop.
3=If you call your dealer for a 40 and remember you only have $20.
4=If a bum lost a dime and you say youll help find it if he smokes it with you.
5=If you only go to a grocry store for munchies.
6=If someone asks if you like KoRn and you say "Only when I have the munchies".
7=If someone asks if you have a dime and you say "Im all out of the green".
8=A FAKE STONER SAYS DOPE INSTEAD OF WEED BECAUSE THAT IS METH. SO IF YOU SAY METH INSTEAD OF WEED THAN READ THE TITLE
9=If you sell your pipe for weed money.
10=If you ever tried to sell money for more.
11=If you have a special lighter just for weed.
12=If you also have a back-up lighter just for weed.
13=If you sell your bong for weed money.
14=If you need the trippiest screensaver on your screen.
15=If your house burns down and the first thing you grab is all your weed.
16=If you like the idea of smoke,eat,sleep,smoke,eat,sleep..........
17=count these <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
18=If you think E-mail satand for Eat Munchies And Ill Light up
19=If you have a tripple hosed bong just for you.
20=you are only a true stoner if you answerd #17 because a stoner would have wasted there time to count them.


STONER JOKES:
1 If your girlfriend tells you to "come over theres nobody home" and you say "that why should i go over there then"

2 If your girlfriend says over the phone "I Love You" and you say "I Love You too But Only When Im Stonned".

3 A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, A stonner named Jake in the back stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Jake?"

"No, stupid ass, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[AnimeFangirl]

Originally Posted by Animaniac

NoSanninWa, you might like these then. =)
http://www.cs.berkeley.edu/~ravenben/humor/lightbulbs

Ahahahahaha, that's so true it's almost sad! >___<

[hobobaggins]

Originally Posted by Dorfl

Ahahahahaha, that's so true it's almost sad! >___<

??? why college jokes? steriotypical jokes are so much better.

Spoiler for VERY VERY wrong:

Spoiler for no really. its wrong:

It is 25th December, in the morning, two excited children run downstairs to
the Christmas tree. And there, oh how wonderful, Johnny has an
enormous heap of toys....... but his tearful sister has only one toy.

Johnny looks at his sister's one toy, and starts to make fun of her.
"Ha ha, look at all these toys I've got, and you've only got one!"
His sister thumbs her nose, "Ha ha, I haven't got leukaemia!"

Spoiler for some of these are just plain wrong:

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.

Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.

Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sister's guts.
Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.

Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.

Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers!
Shut up and eat your french fries!

Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again?
Shut up, you know that grandma's leg is no longer infested.

Mommy, Mommy! Why is my hair so slimy?
Shut up, you little snot.

Mommy, Mommy! I'd like to play marbles now!
Keep quiet, you can't use Grandpa's glass eye today

Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big.
Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.

Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we give Dad a decent burial?
Shut up and keep flushing.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!
Shut up and get the marshmallows!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!

Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy zigzagging in the yard?
Shut up and shoot again!

Mommy, Mommy! I don't wanna visit grandma!
Shut up and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl?
Shut up and flush.

Mommy, Mommy! I'm sick of learning how to swim!
Shut up or I'll flush it again!

Mommy, Mommy! It's cold and dark and damp down here.
Shut up or I'll flush it again.

Mommy, Mommy! Why do other kids tell me I have a big head?
Don't worry. Take your cap and go get me 40 lbs of potatoes at the store.

Mommy, Mommy! Why do other kids tell me I have a long nose?
You don't, but lift your head up or you'll scrape the floor.

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is how to learn to swim?
Shut up and get back in the sack!

Mommy, Mommy! How come sister gets to watch TV and I can't?
Shut up or I'll cut your ears off, too!

Mommy, Mommy! Don't push me towards the elevator shAAAAAFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the right way to cook Peking Duck?
Shut up and close the microvawe oven door behind you!

Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to go to Australia.
Shut up son and keep swimming.

Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up son, you'll wake your father.

Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles.
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

Mommy, Mommy! Why's everybody running?
Shut up and reload.

Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!

Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise.
Shut up and eat around it!

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!

Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!

Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!
Shut up and comb your face!

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want hamburgers for supper!
Shut up or I'll grind your other hand.

Mommy, Mommy! What's a vampire?
Shut up and eat your soup before it clots.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!
Shut up, we only have it once a month.

Mommy, Mommy! I hate spaghetti!
Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara Falls!
Shut up and get back in the barrel!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder!
Shut up and eat your hamburger!

Mommy, Mommy! How will we ever find Daddy on this golf course?
Shut up and search the sand traps!

Spoiler for haha! stupid hobbits!:

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to a local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears strange noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"

In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"

EDIT

Spoiler for hahaha o god:

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!
One day, the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. 'You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!'
The missionary replies: 'No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion.'
The chief pauses for a moment then says, 'Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child.'

[LoveOfAnime]

This one is for ADULTS only:

Spoiler:

Luke is sitting in the bar on the night before his wedding with one of his pals. His pal asks why he looks so glum. "This sounds silly but I have never done this sex thing before." The pal says "Well no big deal, I'll tell you what. You let me know what hotel you are staying in and I will rent the room next door. If you make any mistakes I'll yell through the wall."

So the next night at the motel Luke is so scared that he is hiding in the bathroom. His new wife realizes she needs to go Number Two. She doesn't want to embarras herself by telling Luke to come out because she has to go. Looking around the room she sees her fancy shoe box. She quickly decides, takes off the lid and takes care of business. Meanwhile Luke is still in the bathroom nervous as hell. He finally comes up with an idea to break the ice with his new wife. If he can find something to do with the wedding that will at least get them talking. So out he comes looking around for something from the wedding to talk about. Seeing the shoe box he thinks it's perfect. He quickly walks over and lifts the lid.
"Damn bitch there's shit in this box." From Next door a voice pipes up. "Luke turn her over."

l

[Cammie]

found a few more!

Hidden Windows Setting

Spoiler:

Beer....

Spoiler:

I hate my job!

Spoiler:

Best Dinner Ever

Spoiler:

[AnimeFangirl]

Originally Posted by LoveOfAnime

This one is for ADULTS only:

Spoiler:

Luke is sitting in the bar on the night before his wedding with one of his pals. His pal asks why he looks so glum. "This sounds silly but I have never done this sex thing before." The pal says "Well no big deal, I'll tell you what. You let me know what hotel you are staying in and I will rent the room next door. If you make any mistakes I'll yell through the wall."

So the next night at the motel Luke is so scared that he is hiding in the bathroom. His new wife realizes she needs to go Number Two. She doesn't want to embarras herself by telling Luke to come out because she has to go. Looking around the room she sees her fancy shoe box. She quickly decides, takes off the lid and takes care of business. Meanwhile Luke is still in the bathroom nervous as hell. He finally comes up with an idea to break the ice with his new wife. If he can find something to do with the wedding that will at least get them talking. So out he comes looking around for something from the wedding to talk about. Seeing the shoe box he thinks it's perfect. He quickly walks over and lifts the lid.
"Damn bitch there's shit in this box." From Next door a voice pipes up. "Luke turn her over."

l

I don't get the joke Oh, wait, I think I do. >___<

EDIT: Slade xTechno's GCSE answers are hilarious! I'd seem some of them before but others just had me rofl

[Sid_Burn]

Hahahahaha! this thread has so much fun in it...

[hobobaggins]

Spoiler:

A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool, chops, etc... After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and phones a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try aritifical insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down in the grass and roll around when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads up the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning, he wakes up and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try did not take and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning, he looks out at the sheep and finds that they are all still standing around. He decides to try one more time and loads them into the truck, drives them out into the woods, spends all day shagging the sheep, brings them back and falls into bed, exhausted. The next morning, he cannot even get himself out of bed. He asks his wife to look outside and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No", she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

Spoiler:

A group of Match Cup Skippers are on Crew Scouting trip, when they see a five-story building with a sign that read, "Match Racer Crew Association" Since they are without their crews, they decide to go in. The Guard, a very salty type, explains to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor and once you find what you are looking for, for crew, you can go there and make a selection. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you who's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the crew on this floor are stupid and weak." The skippers laugh, and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads, "All the crew here are stupid and strong." Still, this isn't good enough, so the Skippers continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads, "All the crew here are smart and strong." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they kept going. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect, "All the crew here are smart, strong and Former Americas Cup Champions." The Skippers get excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads, "There are no crew here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a Skipper!"

true!

Spoiler:

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22 ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After About an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. the engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard......Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

[hobobaggins]

Spoiler:

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace.

Spoiler for sex:

Two men were talking. One said: I'd love to be casseroled by a redhead.

"What's that mean?" his puzzled friend said, "Casseroled is a cooking
term, meaning to be done slowly for a long time."

The first man shrugged. "Exactly." he replied.

Spoiler for sex:

One day about a month ago, President Reagan was looking for a call girl.
He found three such ladies in a local lounge--a blonde, a brunette, and a
redhead.

To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. How much
would it cost me to spend some time with you?" She replied, "$200."

To the brunette he made a similar proposition. Her reply was "$200."

He made the same offer to the redhead. Her reply was:"Mr. President, if
you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes, get my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, keep it as high as the gas prices, keep me warmer than my apartment, and screw me the way you do the public, believe me, Mr. President, it ain't gonna cost you a damn cent..."

Spoiler for sex:

Two sailors on shore leave, walking down the street. They spot a beautiful
blonde. First sailor asks his friend "Have you ever slept with a blonde?"
Second sailor replies that he has.

They walk on further and see an even more beautiful brunette.
FS: " Have you ever slept with a brunette?"
SS: " Why yes, in fact I've slept with brunettes on many occasions."

They walk on a little further, and see a gorgeous redhead, who leaves the
other two girls for dead.
FS: " Have you ever slept with a redhead then?" His companion looks at
him and replies "Not a wink!"

[p3psi]

hahaha, reagan, wtf?!??
geez, hobo, where do you get your jokes? 1985?
im jk,
oohhh, i better google reagan and make sure he was president in 85, dont want to be made the fool!