Nanoha FanFiction Discussion

[Nita]

Originally Posted by 00-Raiser

Week off from school, and I didn't touch my text books once. Gah. Oh well, I have 5 hours to kill between classes. Perfect time and atmosphere for studying!

But for now I've beaten my Bleach game and have my first Vivio/Yuuno story ready for your reviewing pleasure.

It's my first time, so please be gentle

I should note that I suck at titles, so I'd like to ask for some suggestions.

Spoiler:

High school junior Vivio Takamachi watched as her tutor, Yuuno Scrya, looked over her notebook. He sat on the edge of her bed, nodding his head as his eyes moved down the page. Seated at her desk, Vivio twirled her pencil around her fingers, awaiting his assessment.

“Absolutely perfect.” He said, closing the book. “Not a single mistake.”

Vivio smiled. She knew she got it all right. She was the smartest student in her class. Certainly, it was due to the man before her. It took a little begging, but the librarian had agreed to tutor her. Of course Vivio’s mamas were all for it. They knew their daughter would excel in their childhood friend’s capable hands.

Vivio wondered what her reward would be this time. Whenever she did well on a test or an assignment, Yuuno would give her little gifts in return. He used to give her stuffed animals, but as the years went on he advanced to clothing and small charms (which Vivio imagined her mamas helped him choose). Of course there were always the books. Vivio now had quite the collection of old and rare tomes, each weathered page brimming with knowledge of the past. The best reward by far was when he’d invite her to spend the day with him at an archaeological dig. She looked forward to those the most. Sifting through the dirt to uncover hidden mysteries with the best in the business was exhilarating.

“Since you’re at this level, I don’t think you need me to tutor you anymore.”

“Huh?” Vivio blinked. Her pencil clattered to the desktop in surprise. “What do you mean, Yuuno-san?”

“Like I said, you don’t need me to tutor you anymore. You’ll get along just fine without me.”

“No! You’re wrong!” Vivio insisted. She hadn’t expected this turn of events. “I only do so well because you’re teaching me! If you stopped, my grades would drop for sure!”

“That’s not true.” Yuuno said. “You’re a smart girl, Vivio. You always have been. Be more confident in yourself.”

“But…” Try as she might, she was actually unable to think of a rebuttal. He was right. She didn’t need him to tutor her. In fact, she never did. But this had been the only way she could get him to spend time with her, to pay attention to and focus only on her. She knew he was a busy man, and the fact that he made room in his schedule for her made the teen so happy. She didn’t want it to end.

“Please don’t stop coming.” She pleaded, getting to her feet. “I don’t want you to stop…” Vivio cast her gaze downwards. “Or does it bother you to keep coming? I know I’m just being selfish, but… Is spending time with me really that bad?” She looked back up at him with glistening eyes.

“What? No! Of course not!” Yuuno also got to his feet. Their equal heights allowed for him to look her straight in the eyes. “But you just don’t need me anymore.”

“I do need you!” She asserted. “Just… Not for studying…”

“Huh?” He blinked. “What are you talking about?”

“I’ve always admired you since I was little, Yuuno-san.” She started. “You’re so gentle, kind, and smart. You always treated me so warmly. You always looked out for me and took care of me. It made me really happy. When I became older, I realised what these feelings were.” Vivio swallowed. She was going to keep herself contained until she was more of an adult, but at that moment, her emotions threatened to burst out anyways. “I love you, Yuuno-san!”

You could have blindsided him with a Starlight Breaker and not have come close to matching the expression of shock he wore at that moment. “W-What are you saying, Vivio? It’s not good to joke around like that.”

“I’m serious!” A little mad, she tackled him for emphasis. They tumbled back onto the bed, Yuuno landing propped up on his elbows, Vivio on top of him.

“Vivi-” He was cut off by the girl’s lips pressing against his own. The action caused his eyes to open so wide he saw double.

“I really do love you, Yuuno-san.” Vivio whispered when she broke off. Yuuno’s mind froze. It was blank, yet jumbled with thoughts at the same time. He just stared vacantly into those longing, mismatched eyes.

“But…” He forced his tongue to move and try to expel his tangled thought trains. “But you’re so young, still a child, and I’m so old…”

“That doesn’t matter!” She shot back. “And I’m not a child anymore! Look at how big I’ve gotten! I’m just as tall as you are, and my breasts won’t even lose out to Fate-mama’s!” Yuuno couldn’t argue that point. Her ample bust was pressed firmly into his chest. “I’m sixteen! That’s old enough to get married! And I don’t care if you’re older!”

“But there must be a guy your own age…”

“None of the guys at school can compare to you! I get love letters all the time, you know, but I turned them all down. It was because they aren’t you! They can’t even begin to compare!”

“Uh…” Yuuno found himself surprisingly short on ammo. He had known the girl since she was six years old. It would be weird to see her as a potential romantic partner, wouldn’t it? But, surely because he had known her since she was a child, he was fully aware of her transformation into a beautiful young woman. To deny that she was a very desirable female would be an outright lie. Yes, she was a child no longer. But…

“I love you so much.” Vivio buried her face into his chest. “Is there something about me you don’t like?”

“I… well… uh… I don’t dislike anything… I mean… I do like you, but… uh… that’s…”

“… Is it because I’m not Nanoha-mama?” She asked with a chill in her voice.

“No!” He said reflexively. “I got over my feelings for her a long time ago.”

“Then there’s no problem! So why don’t you want to be together with me?”

No, there was still a problem. A very big, very dangerous problem.

“Vivio, Yuuno-kun, I brought you some te…” Said problem paused when she opened the door to see her daughter in an intimate position with her life long friend. Yuuno could see the air freeze as Nanoha narrowed her eyes.

“Ah! Nanoha!” He tried. “This isn’t what…”

“This is exactly what it looks like!” Vivio declared, meeting her mother’s gaze. She tightened her grip on the man. “I love Yuuno-san and I want to be with him!”

“… I see.” Nanoha’s voice was ice. “Vivio, Yuuno-kun, please come downstairs. We need to talk.”

Yuuno could only wonder if he was about to get blasted or stabbed.

… Probably both.

---

Being seated at the dinner table with the Takamachi family was not an unfamiliar experience for Yuuno. He often stayed for meals after a study session, enjoying the warm and friendly air that accompanied the mealtime conversation.

Tonight was an entirely different matter. It was as if Chrono had used Durandal to freeze the room. Vivio and Yuuno sat on one side, Nanoha and Fate on the other. Vivio’s expression was set in a determined manner, while Yuuno couldn’t bring himself to make eye contact with anyone. The two mothers wore looks that would ensure top positions in the poker world championships.

“So, Yuuno-kun.” Nanoha started. “Why don’t you tell us what’s going on.”

“I, uh, well, you see…” As he was unable to decipher her tone, Yuuno wasn’t sure if grovelling or running would be the best option.

“Yuuno-san did nothing wrong.” Vivio cut in. “I’m the one who made the first move. I’m in love with him and I was just making that very clear.”

Nanoha shifted her gaze to the girl. “Vivio, you’re aware of how young you are, right? This could just be a little crush that will pass.”

“I’m old enough to know what my feelings are.” The teen replied resolutely.

“And you know that Yuuno-kun is the same age as us?” Nanoha asked.

“Of course I do.” Vivio replied. “Age is not an obstacle. Besides, it’s not that strange. Grandpa Shiro is several years older than Grandma Momoko.”

“That may be true.” Nanoha nodded. “But people still won’t look favourably on a teenage girl being with some one thirteen years her senior. Are you ok with that?”

“Did you care what people thought when you and Fate-mama got together?” Vivio retorted. “Even if everyone else is against it, my feelings won’t change!”

“So you’re absolutely serious about him, Vivio?”

“Absolutely.”

Nanoha held her daughter’s unwavering stare until her partner’s hand came to rest on her shoulder.

“Well,” Fate spoke for the first time. “We knew we’d have to let her go eventually. We just never knew it would be this soon.”

“You’re right.” Nanoha sighed. “She grew up a little too fast for my liking.” She then smiled. “I just wanted to make sure she was prepared for it.”

Vivio brightened. “You mean…”

“Yeah.” Nanoha nodded. “I can see how determined you are. If this is our daughter’s decision, of course we’ll fully support it.”

Vivio bounced up and rounded the table, throwing her arms around her mothers. “Thank you so much! You two are the best!”

“Now don’t get too ahead of yourself, Vivio.” Fate cautioned, turning back towards the male. “So, Yuuno, will you accept her feelings?”

“I, uh, well…” Being the target of three expectant gazes certainly didn’t make him any more comfortable. What was he supposed to do in such a situation? If he turned Vivio down, it felt as if he would fail his friends’ expectations. Why not accept? Here was an attractive young woman throwing herself at him. He was nearing thirty and still single, so it was a great chance. No, he refused to accept on those grounds. Her genuine feelings deserved a genuine answer. He had to be honest. There was no denying that Vivio was a special person to him. But in what sense? Daughter? Niece? Friend? Student? After ten years, could he now see her as a woman? Maybe he could. This incident was certainly making him view her in a new light. Perhaps eventually he could find himself falling in love too. But at the moment, he knew one thing for certain.

“I’m not sure I can return her feelings right away.” Yuuno started. “But maybe with some time I will. I can say this, though.” He looked at the girls with conviction. “I do want to make her happy.”

Vivio let out a happy sounding noise before she ran around the table again, latching on to the man this time. “I’m going to make sure you’re happy too, Yuuno-san!” She declared.

“Take care of her, Yuuno-kun.” Nanoha said. “We know she’s in good hands.”

Yuuno tested putting an arm around Vivio. He found it wasn’t as weird as he thought it would be.

“… But no funny stuff until she’s eighteen.”

“Awww, mama!”

I look forward to making improvements based on your input.

Heh, I liked it Though I found really weird that Yunno accepted it just like that, maybe a little of 'fanservice' could work at the start. I mean, I know that he would never look at Vivio in other way than her best friend's daughter, or his student. But she is a teenager, her wanting to catch his attention would be a normal situation, and even if she's young, a girl always know how to do that, if u get what I mean

... and my breasts won’t even lose out to Fate-mama’s!

LMAO XDD

*comes back to her literature textbook TwT*

[Nijiru]

@Raiser: I see nothing wrong with the fic so far. Nanoha's initial stance and Yuuno's reaction shows, me anyway, that if Yuuno goes out of line, he will enter a world of pain. And just because Nanoha and Fate give Yuuno and Vivio the OK to start a courtship doesn't mean the Aces won't be watching like hawks.

And like Liitha, I laughed at Vivio comparing her chest to Fate.

[Satashi]

Spoiler for My thoughts on 00-Raiser's fic.:

I'm saying this as if you did the fic seriously. If you did it as a comedy, then just ignore this.

Also, please note I don't intend to be rude. These are just my personal thoughts and can be ignored fully. If one reader doesn't like it, it doesn't mean you are wrong. So take this with a grain of salt and remember that these are just one person's thoughts, not your entire reader base.

Vivio smiled. She knew she got it all right. She was the smartest student in her class. Certainly, it was due to the man before her. It took a little begging, but the librarian had agreed to tutor her. Of course Vivio’s mamas were all for it. They knew their daughter would excel in their childhood friend’s capable hands.

Flood of short sentences, like an info dump. Try combining some of them together to make it flow better instead of sounding like stating facts.

Vivio wondered what her reward would be this time. Whenever she did well on a test or an assignment, Yuuno would give her little gifts in return.

Need to state that she got rewards before her wondering what it would be. It prevents a "wait, what?" moment, even if its just for one sentence.

He used to give her stuffed animals, but as the years went on he advanced to clothing and small charms (which Vivio imagined her mamas helped him choose). Of course there were always the books. Vivio now had quite the collection of old and rare tomes, each weathered page brimming with knowledge of the past. The best reward by far was when he’d invite her to spend the day with him at an archaeological dig. She looked forward to those the most. Sifting through the dirt to uncover hidden mysteries with the best in the business was exhilarating.

Also, I think rewards for every test (?) seems excessive. That's something you do for a small girl, not a junior in highschool who gets perfect grades and is the top of her class. I think it would ahve more meaning if the rewards were random. Imagine giving a girl a rose every week. At first its cute and sweet, then its just like "Um yeha, thanks, I guess..." Overkill is bad.

“Since you’re at this level, I don’t think you need me to tutor you anymore.”

“Huh?” Vivio blinked. Her pencil clattered to the desktop in surprise. “What do you mean, Yuuno-san?”

Stating facts instead of storytelling again.

“Like I said, you don’t need me to tutor you anymore. You’ll get along just fine without me.”

“No! You’re wrong!” Vivio insisted. She hadn’t expected this turn of events. “I only do so well because you’re teaching me! If you stopped, my grades would drop for sure!”

“That’s not true.” Yuuno said. “You’re a smart girl, Vivio. You always have been. Be more confident in yourself.”

“But…” Try as she might, she was actually unable to think of a rebuttal. He was right. She didn’t need him to tutor her. In fact, she never did. But this had been the only way she could get him to spend time with her, to pay attention to and focus only on her. She knew he was a busy man, and the fact that he made room in his schedule for her made the teen so happy. She didn’t want it to end.

This is childlike behavior, not a junior in highschool. Vivio sounds like she's 13.

“I’ve always admired you since I was little, Yuuno-san.” She started. “You’re so gentle, kind, and smart. You always treated me so warmly. You always looked out for me and took care of me. It made me really happy. When I became older, I realised what these feelings were.” Vivio swallowed. She was going to keep herself contained until she was more of an adult, but at that moment, her emotions threatened to burst out anyways. “I love you, Yuuno-san!”

Stating facts repeatedly again, and also in a cheesy way. Vivio sounds like she's 13 again.

You could have blindsided him with a Starlight Breaker and not have come close to matching the expression of shock he wore at that moment. “W-What are you saying, Vivio? It’s not good to joke around like that.”

4th wall! BAD! VERY BAD! Never ever ever say "you could" because that's referring to the reader and you lose all connection to the story. The only exception is purposly doing it for humor.

“I’m serious!” A little mad, she tackled him for emphasis. They tumbled back onto the bed, Yuuno landing propped up on his elbows, Vivio on top of him.

“Vivi-” He was cut off by the girl’s lips pressing against his own. The action caused his eyes to open so wide he saw double.

Corny factor: very high

This is more funny than serious.

“I really do love you, Yuuno-san.” Vivio whispered when she broke off. Yuuno’s mind froze. It was blank, yet jumbled with thoughts at the same time. He just stared vacantly into those longing, mismatched eyes.

Yuuno's too smart for that.

“But…” He forced his tongue to move and try to expel his tangled thought trains. “But you’re so young, still a child, and I’m so old…”

“That doesn’t matter!” She shot back. “And I’m not a child anymore! Look at how big I’ve gotten! I’m just as tall as you are, and my breasts won’t even lose out to Fate-mama’s!” Yuuno couldn’t argue that point. Her ample bust was pressed firmly into his chest. “I’m sixteen! That’s old enough to get married! And I don’t care if you’re older!”

WHOA! Calm down Vivio! don't point out your breasts and say you want to get married when you just pounced your mother's best friend!

“But there must be a guy your own age…”

Yuuno is way OOC. He always seems soft spoken, gentle, and exceedingly smart. That line is.....*sighs*... corny. It's standard fair of a forgettable book. You said people complain about your Yuuno and this is why. He isn't in character, he seems like a standard male boy. I'd even go as far as saying Gary-stue here.

“None of the guys at school can compare to you! I get love letters all the time, you know, but I turned them all down. It was because they aren’t you! They can’t even begin to compare!”

Corny...

“Uh…” Yuuno found himself surprisingly short on ammo. He had known the girl since she was six years old. It would be weird to see her as a potential romantic partner, wouldn’t it? But, surely because he had known her since she was a child, he was fully aware of her transformation into a beautiful young woman. To deny that she was a very desirable female would be an outright lie. Yes, she was a child no longer. But…

Again, Yuuno is way OOC

“I love you so much.” Vivio buried her face into his chest. “Is there something about me you don’t like?”

“I… well… uh… I don’t dislike anything… I mean… I do like you, but… uh… that’s…”

Vivio still sounds like she's 13, immature, and in a childlike crush.

“… Is it because I’m not Nanoha-mama?” She asked with a chill in her voice.

Chill in her voice? She's declairing her love over and over and telling him to see her as a woman, then mentions her mother in an icy tone? Vivio is too smart for that.

I'm sorry but I stopped here.

Here are my thoughts in a summary.

Yuuno: You made him OOC, Gary-stue, and......Yeah, I'd say you want Vivio doing that to you, and you're writing to act it out. Self insertish. Yuuno is smart, and would have figured out Vivio liked him long before this happened. Another problem with the constant gifts. Yuuno would know that would be encouraging her. He would have also had a plan to talk to her about it when she finally mentioned it. I don't know if he accepted or not since I didn't read that far (God I hope not after this build up), but from what I see, this is way OOC for him.

Vivio: As I said before, she sounds 13, not 16. Vivio is also a smart girl, and would have planned her "attack" better. She would have taken in all factors, her parents, Yuuno's reluctance, ect. She would have been more logical with him, and less "fangirly". You captured her pretty well in some parts, but others just shattered it. She went from super smart aceing test best of her class teen to suddenly a chibi with a crush in 0.62 seconds.

[TerranReaper]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

Sorry it took me so long to get chapter 6 to you, BTW. I'll try to send you chapter 7 sometime this week too if I have the chance.

Don't worry, just take your time. It's not like I'm in a hurry.

[Alavon]

Part 1 of 6 from Animal Instincts: Chapter 2

Previous:

Animal Instincts: Preface
Animal Instincts: Chapter 1: The Girl from the City

Spoiler for Part one of six (1/6) from Animal Instincts: Ch. 2:

Animal Instincts

By:
Alavon

Chapter 2:
Melancholy Voices from Distant Memories

The misty night reigned down upon all of the Alaskan wilderness, sharing it's throne with the bronze hue moon which gave the snow below my boots a bright, silvery and copper look. A howl pierced the silent night, its mournful cry echoing throughout the distant land. I felt a soft breeze brushed past and caught some of the snowflakes that was swirling around slowly in the cold air. It was a real pity that Nanoha was in a deep slumber on my back and wasn't awake to see the spectacular beauty that was surrounding us.

My log cabin was a thirty minute walk from the main town of Kiulk and Nanoha, bless her, was completely exhausted to walk the journey so here I am, carrying her on my back. Even though I'm still shaken from my ordeal not long ago, Nanoha being here with me made everything feel...all right.

She really was indeed warm to the touch.

Was it okay to feel like this?

Do I have the right to feel like this?

Is this feeling real or is it just...longing?

Since I was arguing with myself, I didn't notice that in the far distant was my destination. My legs once again did the thinking for me. Noticing it myself a minute later, I began to walk a little faster, or as fast as Nanoha's weight and the hard snow beneath allowed me to. Ignoring my rapid heartbeat and gasps of breath, I climbed on top of a fallen log and, carefully that I wouldn't wake Nanoha up from her nap, arrived at my 'home'.

Home.

What an interesting word.

My log cabin was not big but it was well kept; I definitely made sure of that. The previous owners and those before them were driven out by the towns people all throughout Kiulks history when Alaska was incorporated into the 'Union'. I guess, over the years, they couldn't handle the silent treatment. So this part of Kiulk is called, “Intruders Zone” and was was completely ignored. Hell! I even I have to walk to the post office just to get my mail because the postmen don't want to step a foot on my territory. That was fine by me; I was used to being ignored much to the townsfolk's annoyance.

Taking out my keys from my pocket, I climbed the steps of my porch and was about to insert the key into the keyhole when out of the blue, a loud howl erupted into the night....and...it sounded near...

I gulped.

The howl then turned to barks and this time, Nanoha woke up from the noises.

“Wha-what's going on?” she yawned, climbing down from my back.

“She's coming,” I answered, frantically trying to open the door to no avail; my hands were too cold. “And I was out all day!” Nanoha raised an eyebrow, a bemused look appearing on her sleepy face as she watch my fight with the door.

“Who's coming?”

And on cue, my mixed-breed husky appeared from the woods and jumped on top of me, sending me flying down the steps and on to the snow. She then began to lick my face continuously, a whine escaping her throat.

“N-no! Arf! Down girl, Down!” I yelled sternly but she just ignored me and continued on with her playful assault.

Nanoha, who at first was worried that Arf was a stray animal, began to giggle. She jumped off from the porch and walked up to me and Arf. She smiled widely and said,”She's beautiful...”

“Oh, she's beautiful alright.” I growled, finally standing up. “That is until she goes into heat!”

Nanoha blushed a deep scarlet and averted her eyes from mine. Sensing that I might have said something insulting, I quickly added,”I was joking.”

Nanoha shook her head very quickly but still did not make eye contact with me. I was starting to panic; me and my stupid mouth! I was about to say something when Arf walked up to Nanoha and began to sniff her. Nanoha kneeled down and started to pat her, who was enjoying the attention from someone other than me.

“Aren't you a gorgeous animal?” cooed Nanoha, hugging Arf. Arf barked happily and licked Nanoha's cheeks. Nanoha giggled. “You really are very polite. Your owner trained you well.”

I decided not to say anything at that moment; Nanoha looked too happy for me to make another mistake. Besides, just watching her was enough. After a few minutes passed by, I checked my watch; it was 10:47pm.

It was this late already?

“Uh, Nanoha?” I said, tentatively. Nanoha hummed to show that she was listening. “Why don't we go inside? It's getting really chilly out now.”

Nanoha looked up at me, smiled and...my heart skipped a beat.

What's happening to me?

Spoiler for Author's Notes:

This chapter will be delayed since I have exams and papers due until Thursday. So I posted this part as an apology. Warning: I did not fix up everything so expect to see some mistakes. On Thursday, the complete revised version will be posted along with part 2.

Spoiler for Animal Instincts: Chapter 2 Image:

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Alavon

Part 1 of 6 from Animal Instincts: Chapter 2

Previous:

Animal Instincts: Preface
Animal Instincts: Chapter 1: The Girl from the City

Spoiler for Part one of six (1/6) from Animal Instincts: Ch. 2:

Animal Instincts

By:
Alavon

Chapter 2:
Melancholy Voices from Distant Memories

The misty night reigned down upon all of the Alaskan wilderness, sharing it's throne with the bronze hue moon which gave the snow below my boots a bright, silvery and copper look. A howl pierced the silent night, its mournful cry echoing throughout the distant land. I felt a soft breeze brushed past and caught some of the snowflakes that was swirling around slowly in the cold air. It was a real pity that Nanoha was in a deep slumber on my back and wasn't awake to see the spectacular beauty that was surrounding us.

My log cabin was a thirty minute walk from the main town of Kiulk and Nanoha, bless her, was completely exhausted to walk the journey so here I am, carrying her on my back. Even though I'm still shaken from my ordeal not long ago, Nanoha being here with me made everything feel...all right.

She really was indeed warm to the touch.

Was it okay to feel like this?

Do I have the right to feel like this?

Is this feeling real or is it just...longing?

Since I was arguing with myself, I didn't notice that in the far distant was my destination. My legs once again did the thinking for me. Noticing it myself a minute later, I began to walk a little faster, or as fast as Nanoha's weight and the hard snow beneath allowed me to. Ignoring my rapid heartbeat and gasps of breath, I climbed on top of a fallen log and, carefully that I wouldn't wake Nanoha up from her nap, arrived at my 'home'.

Home.

What an interesting word.

My log cabin was not big but it was well kept; I definitely made sure of that. The previous owners and those before them were driven out by the towns people all throughout Kiulks history when Alaska was incorporated into the 'Union'. I guess, over the years, they couldn't handle the silent treatment. So this part of Kiulk is called, “Intruders Zone” and was was completely ignored. Hell! I even I have to walk to the post office just to get my mail because the postmen don't want to step a foot on my territory. That was fine by me; I was used to being ignored much to the townsfolk's annoyance.

Taking out my keys from my pocket, I climbed the steps of my porch and was about to insert the key into the keyhole when out of the blue, a loud howl erupted into the night....and...it sounded near...

I gulped.

The howl then turned to barks and this time, Nanoha woke up from the noises.

“Wha-what's going on?” she yawned, climbing down from my back.

“She's coming,” I answered, frantically trying to open the door to no avail; my hands were too cold. “And I was out all day!” Nanoha raised an eyebrow, a bemused look appearing on her sleepy face as she watch my fight with door.

“Who's coming?”

And on cue, my mixed-breed husky appeared from the woods and jumped on top of me, sending me flying down the steps and on to the snow. She then began to lick my face continuously, a whine escaping her throat.

“N-no! Arf! Down girl, Down!” I yelled sternly but she just ignored me and continued on with her playful assault.

Nanoha, who at first was worried that Arf was a stray animal, began to giggle. She jumped off from the porch and walked up to me and Arf. She smiled widely and said,”She's beautiful...”

“Oh, she's beautiful alright.” I growled, finally standing up. “That is until she goes into heat!”

Nanoha blushed a deep scarlet and averted her eyes from mine. Sensing that I might have said something insulting, I quickly added,”I was joking.”

Nanoha shook her head very quickly but still did not make eye contact with me. I was starting to panic; me and my stupid mouth! I was about to say something when Arf walked up to Nanoha and began to sniff her. Nanoha kneeled down and started to pat Arf, who was enjoying the attention from someone other than me.

“Aren't you a gorgeous animal?” cooed Nanoha, hugging Arf. Arf barked happily and licked Nanoha's cheeks. Nanoha giggled. “You really are very polite. Your owner trained you well.”

I decided not to say anything at that moment; Nanoha looked too happy for me to make another mistake. Besides, just watching her was enough. After a few minutes passed by, I checked my watch; it was 10:47pm.

It was this late already?

“Uh, Nanoha?” I said, tentatively. Nanoha hummed to show that she was listening. “Why don't we go inside? It's getting really chilly out now.”

Nanoha looked up at me, smiled and...my heart skipped a beat.

What's happening to me?

Spoiler for Author's Notes:

This chapter will be delayed since I have exams and papers due until Thursday. So I posted this part as an apology. Warning: I did not fix up everything so expect to see some mistakes. On Thursday, the complete revised version will be posted along with part 2.

So I got curious and read through this and I must say... I like it! It's quite good so far, and I'm curious about Fate's apparent "curse".

My only real nitpick: I can understand that breaking into a close town community is a difficult thing to do, and I know that Fate being an outsider and not accepted is important for her to bond with Nanoha, but I find it incredibly difficult to believe that Fate didn't at least befriend one person in the town or make a good, favorable impression on someone without her even knowing about it. The story is a NanoFate, but it wouldn't hurt for Fate to have some other companions that can at least somewhat accept her for who she is.

That's the only thing that really bugs me. Otherwise, I like it.

[Alavon]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

So I got curious and read through this and I must say... I like it! It's quite good so far, and I'm curious about Fate's apparent "curse".

My only real nitpick: I can understand that breaking into a close town community is a difficult thing to do, and I know that Fate being an outsider and not accepted is important for her to bond with Nanoha, but I find it incredibly difficult to believe that Fate didn't at least befriend one person in the town or make a good, favorable impression on someone without her even knowing about it. The story is a NanoFate, but it wouldn't hurt for Fate to have some other companions that can at least somewhat accept her for who she is.

That's the only thing that really bugs me. Otherwise, I like it.

I'm glad you like it. Response to your nitpicking: keep reading It's only chapter 1 and I can assure you, things will change....

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Alavon

I'm glad you like it. Response to your nitpicking: keep reading It's only chapter 1 and I can assure you, things will change....

I'll take your word for it.

[XenahortCharybdis]

Originally Posted by Alavon

I'm glad you like it. Response to your nitpicking: keep reading It's only chapter 1 and I can assure you, things will change....

Kehahaha...I was waiting for you to say this. Now you can't turn back. There's screenshot evidence and Post Evidence too!

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

I'll take your word for it.

...As will I. Till later...

*Wild laughter is heard in the distance, driven on by the screaming storm*

[Alavon]

Originally Posted by XenahortCharybdis

Kehahaha...I was waiting for you to say this. Now you can't turn back. There's screenshot evidence and Post Evidence too!



...As will I. Till later...

*Wild laughter is heard in the distance, driven on by the screaming storm*

You're so mean...

[DezoPenguin]

Since 00-Reiser came out and mentioned it first, I can finally let this one out that I've been holding on to this one in my head since ViVid Memory 02.

Spoiler for A New Champion!:

"And then she said, 'I want to grow up normally, so I will be able to show this appearance without shame. I want to be able to be proud of where I come from and stick out my chest proudly, and say I am the daughter of Nanoha-mama.' I was so proud of her!" Nanoha beamed. "She's such a good girl. I'm sure that she'll use her Adult Form responsibly."

Hayate chuckled and nodded. "I'm sure she will." She then turned to Signum and looked at the pink-haired knight assessingly.

"I am sorry that you've been finally beaten, though. But there's no shame for a Belkan knight in being defeated by the Sankt Kaiser, is there?"

Signum blinked in confusion.

"Mistress Hayate, I've never sparred with Vivio, win or lose."

Hayate shook her head.

"No, no, not in combat; I'm talking about other arenas of battle."

Vita stretched up and patted her leader on the shoulder.

"Don't worry, Signum; you'll always be Boob Monster to me."

[Nanya01]

*Laughs* Ah, Vita, always great to hear you speak like that.

[Satashi]

Originally Posted by DezoPenguin

Since 00-Reiser came out and mentioned it first, I can finally let this one out that I've been holding on to this one in my head since ViVid Memory 02.

Spoiler for A New Champion!:

"And then she said, 'I want to grow up normally, so I will be able to show this appearance without shame. I want to be able to be proud of where I come from and stick out my chest proudly, and say I am the daughter of Nanoha-mama.' I was so proud of her!" Nanoha beamed. "She's such a good girl. I'm sure that she'll use her Adult Form responsibly."

Hayate chuckled and nodded. "I'm sure she will." She then turned to Signum and looked at the pink-haired knight assessingly.

"I am sorry that you've been finally beaten, though. But there's no shame for a Belkan knight in being defeated by the Sankt Kaiser, is there?"

Signum blinked in confusion.

"Mistress Hayate, I've never sparred with Vivio, win or lose."

Hayate shook her head.

"No, no, not in combat; I'm talking about other arenas of battle."

Vita stretched up and patted her leader on the shoulder.

"Don't worry, Signum; you'll always be Boob Monster to me."

Awesome line is awesome :3

Plus, rambling Nanoha-Mama is always welcome

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by DezoPenguin

Since 00-Reiser came out and mentioned it first, I can finally let this one out that I've been holding on to this one in my head since ViVid Memory 02.

Spoiler for A New Champion!:

"And then she said, 'I want to grow up normally, so I will be able to show this appearance without shame. I want to be able to be proud of where I come from and stick out my chest proudly, and say I am the daughter of Nanoha-mama.' I was so proud of her!" Nanoha beamed. "She's such a good girl. I'm sure that she'll use her Adult Form responsibly."

Hayate chuckled and nodded. "I'm sure she will." She then turned to Signum and looked at the pink-haired knight assessingly.

"I am sorry that you've been finally beaten, though. But there's no shame for a Belkan knight in being defeated by the Sankt Kaiser, is there?"

Signum blinked in confusion.

"Mistress Hayate, I've never sparred with Vivio, win or lose."

Hayate shook her head.

"No, no, not in combat; I'm talking about other arenas of battle."

Vita stretched up and patted her leader on the shoulder.

"Don't worry, Signum; you'll always be Boob Monster to me."

Good to know Vita will always love Signum.

[TheShinySword]

Originally Posted by DezoPenguin

Since 00-Reiser came out and mentioned it first, I can finally let this one out that I've been holding on to this one in my head since ViVid Memory 02.

Spoiler for A New Champion!:

"And then she said, 'I want to grow up normally, so I will be able to show this appearance without shame. I want to be able to be proud of where I come from and stick out my chest proudly, and say I am the daughter of Nanoha-mama.' I was so proud of her!" Nanoha beamed. "She's such a good girl. I'm sure that she'll use her Adult Form responsibly."

Hayate chuckled and nodded. "I'm sure she will." She then turned to Signum and looked at the pink-haired knight assessingly.

"I am sorry that you've been finally beaten, though. But there's no shame for a Belkan knight in being defeated by the Sankt Kaiser, is there?"

Signum blinked in confusion.

"Mistress Hayate, I've never sparred with Vivio, win or lose."

Hayate shook her head.

"No, no, not in combat; I'm talking about other arenas of battle."

Vita stretched up and patted her leader on the shoulder.

"Don't worry, Signum; you'll always be Boob Monster to me."

Poor Signum (I'm sure Hayate still wants them), well at least we know one person's safe from being replaced.


Vita: Heh, at least I know my role as the token eternal loli will never be taken over. I'll always have the pedophiles in my fanbase.
Rein: Hey Vita~~~~ Check out Rein's big form!
Agito: Oi! I have one too! *kick to the head*
Rein: TAT that hurt you meanie!
Fans: awwwwww (HNNNNNNNG)
Vita:...
Cinque: Don't worry about your big sister, *Longcoat, knives out cool pose*
Younger Numbers: *-* so cool
Fans: \awesomebadass/
Vita: ........
Ix: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Subaru + Vivio: IXYYYYYYYYY *Nosebleed*
Fans: IXY!!!!!!! ;-;
Vita: god damnit

... no one is safe from replacement

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by TheShinySword

Poor Signum (I'm sure Hayate still wants them), well at least we know one person's safe from being replaced.


Vita: Heh, at least I know my role as the token eternal loli will never be taken over. I'll always have the pedophiles in my fanbase.
Rein: Hey Vita~~~~ Check out Rein's big form!
Agito: Oi! I have one too! *kick to the head*
Rein: TAT that hurt you meanie!
Fans: awwwwww (HNNNNNNNG)
Vita:...
Cinque: Don't worry about your big sister, *Longcoat, knives out cool pose*
Younger Numbers: *-* so cool
Fans: \awesomebadass/
Vita: ........
Ix: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Subaru + Vivio: IXYYYYYYYYY *Nosebleed*
Fans: IXY!!!!!!! ;-;
Vita: god damnit

... no one is safe from replacement

Haha, poor Vita is about to lose her status as eternal loli.

[DezoPenguin]

Originally Posted by TheShinySword

Poor Signum (I'm sure Hayate still wants them), well at least we know one person's safe from being replaced.


Vita: Heh, at least I know my role as the token eternal loli will never be taken over. I'll always have the pedophiles in my fanbase.
Rein: Hey Vita~~~~ Check out Rein's big form!
Agito: Oi! I have one too! *kick to the head*
Rein: TAT that hurt you meanie!
Fans: awwwwww (HNNNNNNNG)
Vita:...
Cinque: Don't worry about your big sister, *Longcoat, knives out cool pose*
Younger Numbers: *-* so cool
Fans: \awesomebadass/
Vita: ........
Ix: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Subaru + Vivio: IXYYYYYYYYY *Nosebleed*
Fans: IXY!!!!!!! ;-;
Vita: god damnit

... no one is safe from replacement

Ha ha ha ha ha! Heck, even Vivio's status as series moeblob was utterly usurped by Ixy!

[Satashi]

Originally Posted by DezoPenguin

Ha ha ha ha ha! Heck, even Vivio's status as series moeblob was utterly usurped by Ixy!

Vivio: *holding Ixy's hand* When you wake up, I'll introduce you to everyone
Ixy:....... *smiling in sleep*
Vivio: And we'll be friends forever.
Ixy:...... *smiles*
Vivio:*dead serious* but if you steal my fanbase, you'll be sleeping with the fishes.
Ixy:.....*suddenly shivers in her sleep*

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Satashi

Vivio: *holding Ixy's hand* When you wake up, I'll introduce you to everyone
Ixy:....... *smiling in sleep*
Vivio: And we'll be friends forever.
Ixy:...... *smiles*
Vivio:*dead serious* but if you steal my fanbase, you'll be sleeping with the fishes.
Ixy:.....*suddenly shivers in her sleep*

...

Don't wake up, Ixy! For your own good, don't wake up!

[DezoPenguin]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

...

Don't wake up, Ixy! For your own good, don't wake up!

Except that being asleep, she's more moe than ever!

Vivio: Why do you think I developed Adult Form? I have to start broadening my appeal!