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Old 2010-07-29, 02:25   Link #5921
Rajura
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zebra View Post
[Edited for space]

I'd actually suggest you don't wait and see, as you have a history of getting friend zoned.
Try to read her expression and the way she behaves when with you, that might help (but often men misread so ..~ ).
Man, I have lived in that part of town before... the friend zone SUCKS!!!

As for misreading, my girl would tell you I'm the biggest dolt when it comes to that kind of stuff. Worse yet, I'm a hopeless romantic, but I can never seem to get it right... no matter how hard I try... do you know how hard it is to have the heart of William Shakespeare but the eloquence of Barney Fife?!?
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Last edited by Rajura; 2010-07-30 at 07:45. Reason: Missing a preposition
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Old 2010-07-29, 02:34   Link #5922
Last Sinner
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Beats having the eloquence of Barney Gumble.
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Old 2010-07-29, 03:56   Link #5923
Samari
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Originally Posted by zebra View Post
Namu, I think you have missed the subtle hint (and his posts here regarding the matter) - Samari has relationship issues of his own and understandably ommited the latest updates to his situation Your tips kind of miss the target.
Thanks. Hopefully that clears the air without me going into specifics.
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Old 2010-07-29, 19:50   Link #5924
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Doh! Oh well. Hit and miss. Seppuku! Okay there. Now I'm finely tuned.
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Old 2010-07-29, 23:26   Link #5925
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It's all fun and new at first because you just want to get to know the person on a more personal level but...after a few months...it seems like you run out of things to talk about. Then comes the arguing, but you still love the person despite the fighting lol. It's just a vicious cycle D=
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Old 2010-07-30, 07:33   Link #5926
Khu
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That's why you do stuff with them to keep it fresh. ^^
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Old 2010-07-30, 14:06   Link #5927
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That's also why it's good to have strong communication with your partner. It helps avoid arguments. Or, at the very least, helps you realize why you had the argument in the first place so you can talk about it and prevent it from becoming a cycle.
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Old 2010-07-30, 18:14   Link #5928
Pocky Yoshi
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.....that involves very messy affairs/drama/etc.
I finished a sentence. Do I get a cookie or a slaps. >.<"
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Old 2010-07-30, 19:18   Link #5929
Rajura
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Knowing the proper way to argue is extremely important, since there will be disagreements in even the "most perfect" relationships.

The keys (in my most fallible opinion) are:
1) Don't let it smolder and go unaddressed (i.e. don't pretend the argument didn't happen).
2) Don't ever try to win an argument... if you win, you still lose! Work with your spouse or gf/bf to resolve the conflict. Conflicts that are not resolved but rather "won" or "lost" tend to occur over and over again!
3) Don't ever conflict with your spouse or gf/bf when you are angry! Let them know you are upset and ask if the issue can be discussed once you have had a chance to cool down.


I think those three points are the keys to successful communication in a relationship during a time of disagreement.
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Old 2010-07-30, 20:22   Link #5930
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rajura View Post
Conflicts that are not resolved but rather "won" or "lost" tend to occur over and over again!
You just reminded me of some advice my psychology professor gave our class when we were covering the portion about intimate relationships: you don't get anywhere by playing the "fair" game. It only leads to a vicious cycle of arguing and bad feelings.
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Old 2010-07-31, 12:52   Link #5931
Lost Cause
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Arguing never solved anything! It just shows that there are two different personalities at work and their clashing. If you LISTEN to the others points and let them cool off ( which gives you time to consider their point of view) instead of trying to yell, scream, cuss over him/her to make your point!
And don't be afraid to compromise! "All's fair in love and war" they say, which means nothing is sacred. But if your unwilling to at least consider the others POV then it's over before it began!
Listening, compromising, and discussing; they do work! Being in a relationship, be it dating, living together, or married means being able to do the above! And remember there are 2 people in this thing and you each got your own "ways". Be sure and consider that also.
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Old 2010-07-31, 19:19   Link #5932
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Course, that all depends on if someone wants to talk and listen. If they'd rather ignore people, rather than work things out, well, there's nothing you can do. Of course, that does make you question if there was anything there to begin with, heh.
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Old 2010-08-01, 02:17   Link #5933
Mystique
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lost Cause View Post
Arguing never solved anything! It just shows that there are two different personalities at work and their clashing. If you LISTEN to the others points and let them cool off ( which gives you time to consider their point of view) instead of trying to yell, scream, cuss over him/her to make your point!
And don't be afraid to compromise! "All's fair in love and war" they say, which means nothing is sacred. But if your unwilling to at least consider the others POV then it's over before it began!
Listening, compromising, and discussing; they do work! Being in a relationship, be it dating, living together, or married means being able to do the above! And remember there are 2 people in this thing and you each got your own "ways". Be sure and consider that also.
You know, communication is subjective.
Reminds me of a guy who was into me, however had been raised to be fairly passive when it came to 'useless debates', or just 'ignore' and tune out fairly annoyed.
By that, he meant 'arguing for the sake of arguing'.
Now, in comes me, from a family and culture where we kinda 'argue' just as a way to communicate.
But the difference?
It's not malicious, thus there's no harm, however it does encompass all elements of an 'argument' of which would make an outsider nervous.

I note these kinda communication often between African/Caribbean families (just get them started and religion and it's over, they'll 'debate' all bloody night, much to the despair of me and my cousins), Hispanic or Latino families, Mediterranean families, perhaps some Indian/Pakistani families as well, where expression is forward and very vocal and direct and loud.

For example, one of my best friends may make a snide comment, and I insult him back, then he tries with a comeback, we really go at it for about 30secs -1min and then we stop and carry on.
Sometimes we just burst out laughing and then carry on, however it took me a minute to realise that the others thought that we were truly arguing and were really serious, (I guess cause we started and ended so abruptly) I kinda explained 'nah, we're just being 'normal', it's our special way of expressing love to each other

Some probably saw it as 'uncivil behaviour', others may have seen is as 'fun', some may have seen it as 'normal, just ignore them', lol.
The reason I do mention this in terms of dating is that, sometimes bringing in slightly heavy topics in about the 2nd/3rd date when you're more relaxed is important, especially a person's views on moral topics.
How they react/voice their opinion or think then comes through in spades.
Does this person seem overly arrogant, do they listen, do they think before speaking, how do they view the world, etc.

At least, even when meeting new people are acquaintances, I sometimes very sneakily sneak topics like that in, just to test the waters. Since I can be vocal and strong opinionated and I actually like debating offline, I also know it's not everyone's cup of tea and so to adjust to the situation correctly, I scope out the people before getting more involved.

And sometimes through arguments, you learn that personalities or opinions are just too different to make it work and so a couple will split.
If that split is civil, mutual and respectful (albeit sad), that in itself is progress and good communication.
Not everything can be 'worked out' in life, sometimes people are just too different but then that's what makes us interesting as humans
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Old 2010-08-01, 04:55   Link #5934
Lio
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If you have to think about how to "work out" arguments, then you may need to question why you're together. A couple who knows why they're together will never fight or argue in the usual way.

Dancing in flowery combat as an uninhibited expression of Love, on the other hand, is a whole 'nother story...
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Old 2010-08-01, 05:43   Link #5935
Khu
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lio View Post
If you have to think about how to "work out" arguments, then you may need to question why you're together. A couple who knows why they're together will never fight or argue in the usual way.

Dancing in flowery combat as an uninhibited expression of Love, on the other hand, is a whole 'nother story...
mmm...depends what you mean by 'dancing'...and 'combat'.

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Old 2010-08-01, 05:46   Link #5936
Jinto
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Correct I observed that too... some people need these tensions/arguments to keep their relationship going/interesting. It hurts them a little but overall does them good.
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Old 2010-08-01, 08:08   Link #5937
zebra
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I'd personally hate it when I can't argue / fight with my partner.

I always address things that bother me or say what I think. I'm brutally honest to the one I'm with - because I trust them totally and don't think before I open my mouth. Also: My temper starts to show once I get annoyed and once I'm angry I want to stay angry and don't want to calm down

But I'm aware of me becoming unreasonable and say "Let's stop this for NOW". Once I get the steam out of the system (not by kicking my beloved, but my plushies D: ) I can be mature again and talk about whatever was the reason for the disagreement.

Sometimes you don't really have another choice other than to agree that you disagree


The thing is: I know that when I'm involved, there will always be fights in a relationship. A lot minor ones and very few serious ones.

I have to admit, I actually enjoy a good fight once in a while (not the malicious, throwing-things kind of fight, I don't like those), and can only be with people who don't think a little argument is the end of the world. It's also not hard to make up with me, I don't easily hold grudges ... making up often makes the whole fight worth it anyway~

There are many types of people so to say no fights in a relationship is totally wrong or the best thing ever is not reasonable imho.
It's just important you are happy with however you prefer it and make sure to not be malicious/unfair. For me it's not important if you fight, but how you do it and what results out of it. Communication has no volume limit

But I'm a Taurus after all ...
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Old 2010-08-01, 10:49   Link #5938
Kaijo
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It's a bit unrealistic to think that you'll never get into a fight or argument with people you care about, friends or partners. Part of the essential levels of maturity is knowing how to handle such things when they happen. If your solution to every issue you have with someone is to ignore them, then you'll never learn to properly deal with people. It's a bit of a selfish attitude: "They no longer provide sufficient benefit to me, or their cons outweigh their pros at this moment, so time for them to go."

Sure, if you find a partner where you never argue, then congrats; you won the lottery, heh. But best be prepared to properly deal with arguments and disagreements; it's basically learning effective communication, rather than blowing your top with irrational and emotion-filled rants.

For myself, I've made it a rule to always be willing to talk if the other party wants to work things out. The key is that they have to be willing to; to come into the conversation with an open mind and not with a singular goal of establishing dominance or something. Communication is important, so in 95% of cases I've been willing to talk, debate, and discuss things, but it's rare that I find someone who is willing to keep the lines of communication open.

I recognized that, for myself, when I didn't want to talk to someone it was because fear was holding me back, because I didn't want to admit to them things I did wrong. None of us wants to be wrong, but now that I can properly assess the things I did wrong and admit them openly, that fear has vanished.

The fear is also that an apology means more than just saying "I'm sorry." It means changing things so that the initial wrong act isn't repeated, and that's a difficult thing to do. Change is hard.
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Old 2010-08-01, 12:06   Link #5939
Lost Cause
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For me arguing is very natural! I come from a very large family from Alabama, and 'cussin 'n discussin' things was commonly done. To the point that all parties involved would step outside to settle some of these "arguments!
When I first met my now husbands family it was a case of culture shock. They never argued in front if guests and debated their disagreements instead of yelling or cussing. When the two families met it was like oil and water!
Some how though our marriage was given consent ( we woulda got married any way!) and they only speak to each other on the holidays.
Do my husband and I argue? You damn betcha!! To the point of having the base MPs come by to make sure WW3 hasn't started! And we've been known to keep it going for days on end. But in the end, we usually find a common ground to agree on or compromise.
Do we fight for the sake of making up? Sometimes, but not as much as we used too!
I have mellowed with age myself, but that doesn't mean I won't get loud and profane if provoked! And I enjoy a good fight!
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Old 2010-08-01, 12:49   Link #5940
Tsuyoshi
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I tend to try and avoid arguments as much as I can and skip to making compromises because arguing about things will only make things worse and often drags the situation for much longer than it needs to, not to mention it's a real waste of energy. I try to strike a balance between the two arguments instead unless the other's request, point of view or what have you is completely unreasonable or unrealistic. In this case, I would say "No" straight out.
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