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2011-06-01, 03:36 | Link #781 |
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Canada
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Spoiler for Marion fanfic, Preview #1:
Class’s C, D and G were already on the move in a large convoy of tanks, soldiers and trucks to secure a weapons depot that was recently discovered by a Class F scouting party from Lanseal academy. No one really knew what the base had inside of it, but it was said to have looked like it was evacuated in a hurry as much of the weapons and gear were left behind by the rebels. Avan was riding on top of Class G’s tank when he happened to notice Marion, Class G’s weapons freak. He smirked and hopped off of the tank and strode over to her. “What’s up, Marion?” Avan asked cheerfully. “Oh, I think you know what’s up!” “Yeah, I figured that you’d be the most excited one here. Soon you’ll have a whole weapons depot to search through, and then you’ll get your hands on all types of rebel weaponry.” “I know! I can’t wait to get there!!” Marion squealed in glee, “Who knows what we’ll find!” Marching across the road from them were Zeri and Mischlitt, Zeri shook his head then whispered to Mischlitt, “I’d hate to see the look on her face when she realizes that the plan is to destroy most of the depot and its weapons, taking only the top weaponry for research.” “She’ll be heartbroken, I’m sure of it.” Mischlitt whispered back. Something else happened to catch Zeri’s ear, “Class F scouting party, this is the Class G representative speaking, can you hear me?” Magari said into a portable radio receiver, shaped like a telephone receiver. After a few moments Magari repeated her message, then shrugged her shoulders at Franca who was riding on top of the tank with her. Wanting to know the situation, Zeri climbed aboard the tank and knelt down in front of Magari. “What’s wrong, Magari?” Zeri asked. “I’ve been in radio contact with the Class F's scouts all morning, but just moments ago, they stopped transmitting. There’s been nothing but static on their channel and it’s worrying me…” “This is cause for concern… perhaps that base wasn’t as abandoned as they had originally reported.” Franca added. “Avan! Get up here!!” Zeri called over his shoulder and Avan reported to him a few seconds later. At the same time, the base was coming into view, a few tiny trails of black smoke were rising from within the compound. “What’s wrong, Zeri?” “We lost contact with the scouting party from Class F, and judging from the sight up ahead, I think the Rebels have returned.” Now, the convoy came to a halt, the transport trucks pulled to the side of the road, the tanks moved to the head of the column and the foot soldiers spread out all across the road and nearby fields in battle lines and slowly moved forward towards the base. As soon as the tanks rolled over the chain linked fences, knocking them down so the soldiers could get in, they were fired upon by a small rebel force. It was composed of shock troopers, scouts, lancers, but strangely, no tanks or other armoured vehicles. All the classes combined, outnumbered this force by three to one and they were pushing them back as they moved through the base. Finding sufficient cover amongst the metal boxes, wooden crates and pallets and alongside the large storage sheds. Something about this battle seemed all too easy though. The Rebels would only fire enough to suppress the students, then retreat back a small distance and repeat. The Cadets barely had to take cover, before they moved forward again and returned fire along the way, chasing the rebels into the base. As Franca suppressed a small group of rebels with a full auto spray from her heavy machine gun, she got a very bad feeling within herself and happened to say, “Something… is… wrong…” To her left, Marion, Magari and her brother Nichol were moving along side her, taking cover and firing at the swiftly retreating rebels. And even with all of the gunfire, battle noise and shouting, Marion distinctly heard something else, it sounded like a whirring sound, growing in intensity from within the metal storage shed right next to her. Next came a deafening bang sound, the sound of metal twisting and shrieking and as she looked to her left in horror, a large section of the metal doors had actually bent outward, towards her. Another extremely loud bang sound followed and the door buckled even further. By now, other cadets near the doors turned their heads towards the terrifying sound and saw the doors give even more. Franca wasn’t waiting to find out whatever manner of beast or monster lurked within, powerful enough to do that to a metal door. She ran over to Nichol, grabbed him by the back of his jacket collar and began to tug him away. Magari just grabbed Marion by the arm and was about to do the same, but that was when there was one final powerful blow against the doors and they burst open, revealing a mammoth sized… blue glowing metal monstrosity! It had to be an artificial valkyria. But this one stood nearly 20 feet high, stood on two enormous metal armoured legs and had giant mechanical arms that ended with an enormous looking gun barrel, a smaller barrel or nozzle with a hose running under the arm towards the back and deadly looking duel machine guns on the sides of each arms. Everyone was frozen in place as they looked up at the still standing artificial valkyria. Then, with a deafening blast, it released a sound, similar to a fog or navy ship horn. It was so long and loud that everyone had to cover their ears with their hands. Some of the cadets standing closest groaned in pain and clenched their teeth together. “Gah! Did that thing just… roar at us!?” Avan shouted to Cosette, who was standing next to him. “I don’t know! What is that thing!?” Zeri rushed up to them, “Whatever it is, it definitely isn’t one of ours… OPEN FIRE!!” Zeri commanded to everyone around him. And now, ignoring all of the Rebels around them, all of the classes turned their rifles, machine guns, lances and tank barrels towards the next enemy and opened fire. Bullets rained down upon it, smoking lancer rounds flew at it and exploded. The numerous tanks rolled forward while firing their tanks shells at it. And the whole monstrosity disappeared in a thick cloud of smoke from the exploding rounds. Dozens of empty clips and magazines hit the concrete paved base grounds, empty bullet cartridges clanked against the ground and everyone reloaded while they tensely waited to see what all that had accomplished. Marion and Magari still hadn’t moved from the ground after they hit the deck while all the rounds flew over their heads and into the mechanical beast, but they were slowly starting to sit up and look towards the smoke. And that was when they felt it, the ground shake suddenly, then again, and again. Then, to their horror, the monstrous machine was lumbering towards them from the lingering smoke, barely even damaged and starting to glow an even brighter blaze of blue flame. It then released yet another blast of sound, like a deafening fog horn. The cadets then continued firing at the monstrous machine while taking backwards steps. The artificial valkyria responded by lowering its massive arms and taking aim. Then came the sound everyone feared. The steadily growing shrieking sound as both real and artificial valkyria in the past, charged up for a beam shot from their weapons. Only in this case, both ends of the massive barrels on either arm began to glow. Marion looked back while screaming, “GET DOWN! NOW!!” The enormous artificial valkyria then fired its beams with its arms close together, then spread them out, like a book, dragging the steadily flowing destructive beams across the grounds, vaporizing dozens of soldiers and tanks in its first act of returning fire. When it stopped, much of the base was already destroyed, cadets from all classes moaned from the ground or were climbing back onto their feet. A large group of ten scouts and shock troopers from Class D charged towards the mammoth machine while firing at it. “Damn you!” one screamed. “You killed my classmates!!” another roared while firing a full blast of his machine gun. The bullets bounced off the heavily armoured machine as it lowered its’ head and looked down at the small approaching force. “Target locked… Firing…” it said in a slow mechanical sounding voice. By this time, Magari grabbed Marion and pulled her away from the machine, but Marion still looked over her shoulder and saw the machine fire actual ‘blue flame’ from its smaller nozzles under its main beam weapons and setting the charging cadets ablaze. They screamed or ran around, terrifying the one lookers from the other classes. Seeing how outmatched even three whole classes were against this juggernaut of a machine, Avan cupped his hands over his mouth, “FALL BACK!! EVERYONE! FALL BACK!!” Zeri did the same, “RETREAT!! ALL CLASSES RETREAT!!” Most listened to the orders, turned on their heels and began to run for their lives, others stood their ground and continued fighting. Including a tank from Class D as it rolled forward, firing its turret and machine guns up at the giant machine. It responded by drawing its arm across its body and delivering a massive blow to the side of the tanks hull, actually lifting it off the ground and sending it into a nearby storage shed. Then, compartments in its ‘shoulders’ opened up, revealing long white tubes of missiles with red tips that slide out, then fired and swirled and spun through the air and destroyed the whole shed in a glorious fireball of destruction. Large burning metal pieces of the shed rained down onto the retreating soldiers, crushing some and tripping others. Sadly, this included Marion, who had a large sheet of metal hit her and knock her down. Magari noticed that her hand was now empty as she ran, it had been holding onto Marion’s just a moment ago. She looked back and saw Marion struggling to get up, but was unable to as she fell back to the ground and laid still. Magari rushed back to her, while looking up at the goliath of a machine, now firing its wrist mounted machine guns at the retreating cadets, not seeming to notice her or Marion. Magari rushed back to Marion’s side and knelt down beside her. “Hang on, Marion! I’ll get you out!” Magari shouted while trying to lift the metal sheet off of her. “No… Magari…Save yourself…” Marion pleaded weakly, “I’m done for…” “Don’t say that! Don’t give up… please…” “It’s alright… Just go.. Please…” Magari reached down and placed her hand against Marion’s forehead, she reached up and placed her hands on top of Magari’s Two tears fell from Magari‘s eyes as she looked down at Marion, “I’m sorry… please forgive me…” Magari sobbed before standing back up and ran to catch up with the other retreating studetns, leaving Marion behind. Last edited by Snowman24; 2011-06-01 at 03:53. |
2011-06-01, 10:50 | Link #782 |
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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Spoiler for Suggestions:
A small addition to the scene where Magari has to leave Marion behind should be the Rebel foot soldiers closing in on the two of them. It'd give Marion good reason to tell Magari to leave her behind; time wouldn't be on Magari's side to try and save Marion.
I see you went more for an "Iron Giant" approach rather than a Protoss Immortal. Oh well, still works just as effectively. The fog horn bit was a nice touch. |
2011-06-01, 14:00 | Link #783 |
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Canada
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Yeah I figured having the rebels close in was the way to go. Also I was watching old Mech Warrior 3 videos and thought a new V4 to look like either the 'Thor' or 'Vulture' from the opening intro video.
Lastly, I got the idea for the 'fog horn' sound it makes from the War of the Worlds movie and the sound the giant 'Tripod' machines make. A bipod mechanical beast seemed to work, since they already made V2s look like armoured men, this one is just MUCH larger, far more armoured and much more heavily armed with all types of weaponry. It seems perfectly plausible, if they can build giant armoured airships, land battleships and huge tanks like the batomys, why not a giant armoured bipeddle mech. |
2011-06-01, 15:10 | Link #784 | |
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I wouldn't give it the name V4, though; Golem sounds more intimidating, IMO, as a codename. BTW, is there an ETA on the Magari one-shot? |
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2011-06-02, 00:51 | Link #785 |
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Canada
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Spoiler for rough Marion preview #2:
A short while later, and with the V4 not giving chase to the retreating units, the remaining students from each class regrouped. A quick headcount revealed that out of the near 100 students, 30 had been killed and a few were missing. Class G had suffered the least amount of casualties and injuries, but… they were one student short of a full headcount. Magari came crying up to the front and told Avan and Zeri the sad story of how she was forced to leave Marion behind and how terrible she felt about it. “Don’t worry, Magari,” Avan said as he hugged her, “None of us blame you for what happened.” “Those Rebels… they laid a trap for us… and we walked right into it!” Zeri said, frustration in his voice. “There was no way we could have ever guessed that that depot was housing such a terrible machine of war.” Cosette said. “But did you see that…” Franca said in disbelief, “W-we rained hell down upon it with bullets, lancaar rounds and tank shells and it barely even made a dent in it.” “It’s not the first time the Rebels have come out with a superior looking weapon of war… and we’ve always managed to beat them, somehow!” Avan said confidently. “We’ll beat that monster of a machine, then get Marion back to us! I just know it!” “But, we’re undermanned, Avan,” said Zeri, “We need more tanks, soldiers and equipment here before we mount any sort of rescue mission.” “Right, I’m on it!” said Avan as he then leapt up onto the tank and got on the radio with the Academy, requesting reinforcements. Meanwhile, back at the weapons depot, soldiers were scouring the area, rounding up any dead bodies and piling them high. Their weapons were stacked like tepees next to the mounds of bodies. In the middle of the base, Gilbert Gassenarl, Baldren Gassenarl and a man with long back hair, glasses and a white lab coat were surveying the damage done by the new V4, codenamed ’Golem’. “S-so, what do you think, sir?” the scientist with glasses asked, “Q-quite impressive if I do say so myself!” “Dr. Valdren, I saw more troops scatter and successfully retreat, than were killed here in the base by your ’Golem’ creation. So I’m not too impressed.” Gilbert replied as he walked with his hands behind his back. “A few squads of my V2s could have successfully ensnared then, cut off their retreat and killed them all much quicker than this lumbering beast, Father.” Baldren said, not sounding too impressed either. “B-but I’ve made vast improvements from my last prototype, have I not?” Dr. Valdren replied, “I’ll admit my own failure, the V3 was not as combat affective as I had originally hoped, sir.” “You won’t always get a drop on your enemy with a huge machine like this, Golem, Dr. Valdren.” Baldren pointed out. “It’s far too big, bulky and slow moving… I don’t like it, Father.” “Baldren has a point. It couldn’t even give chase to the fleeing enemy units, even those on foot were much faster than this machine of yours.” Gilbert said, now sounding even more unimpressed. “W-well sir, I could make more improvements, if only you’d give me more funds for research, development and building supplies--” “More?!” Gilbert roared, “Do you know how much time, money and man hours we’ve spent on this hunk of junk! And now you're asking for more!” “Well sir, with more tests I’m sure that we could--” “SIR! We found a survivor!!” A soldier called out. “And now there’s a survivor from your Golems rampage… pathetic!” Gilbert said while shaking his head. He then headed off with Baldren to see this so called, survivor. “Fools… both of them… They have no idea what something like this golem can become. It may very well surpass the tank as the main vehicle on the battlefield!” Dr. Valdren said to himself. He then headed off to catch up with the General and his son. A short while later, General Gassenarl and Baldren came upon the lone survivor, still pinned under a large sheet of metal. She appeared to be unconscious, but her breathing was soft and steady. General Gassenarl turned to Dr. Valdren, “It appears that she was untouched by your Golem. A mere piece of sheet metal is what took her out.” “Let me correct that mistake, sir!” Dr. Valdren said. He then reached down to his lab coat and pulled out a large radio out and raised it to his lips, “Golem! To me!!” The huge lumbering Golem then stomped across the base, shaking the ground with each step. The shaking managed to wake Marion from her state of unconsciousness and she gave her head a shake and moaned. She then gasped as she looked all around and saw that she was surrounded by soldiers. But what surprised her the most, was that General Gassenarl and his son, Baldren were there in front of her. Her attention was suddenly turned to the gigantic artificial valkyria, coming ever closer to where she was lying trapped. “You might want to back up, sir. This could get messy.” Dr. Valdren instructed as he backed up with the rest of the soldiers from around Marion. The huge machine then stopped in front of Dr. Valdren and looked down at him. Dr. Valdren smiled, raised the radio to his mouth and said, “Golem! Crush this insect beneath your foot!” The Golem then took two more steps and was now in front of Marion. She looked up at it and her breathing increased from terror and the thought of imminent death by being crushed. The Golem then slowly raised one leg up and brought it overtop of Marion, ready to crush her. That was when Marion covered her head and emitted the loudest, shrillest shriek of terror imaginable. Next came something unexpected. The Golems head turned side to side and it paused with its leg still in the air, not crushing the helpless girl under its foot. General Gilbert was watching with his arms crossed, “Hmph, what’s the problem, Doctor?” he asked, “Why does he hesitate?” “My V2s would never hesitate, Father. They’d carry out their orders swiftly and without question.” Dr. Valdren fumbled with the radio, then managed to press the talk button, “Crush her! Do you hear me!? I ordered you to crush this girl!!” Marion was sobbing uncontrollably under the Golems foot, hands still covering her head. But the Golem wasn’t moving, it still had its foot hovering just a few feet above her. Then… it spoke: “…No…” General Gassenarl and Baldren laughed together at the spectacle, “Did he just refuse your orders… This Golem is looking less and less like a well worth investment, and you know what that means!” Dr. Valdren cursed, then threw the radio to the paved ground and shattered it. He then turned to General Gassenarl and with his hands together, pleaded, “Please, sir… D-don’t kill me! I know I failed you once with the V3 prototype, but I can fix this! Just give me some more time! I’ll find out what the problem is, honest!” General Gassenarl stroked his beard while he thought, then said, “Very well… but this is your last chance. Fail me again and I’ll have you executed and all of your family thrown in jail. Your estate and all its property will be confiscated and given to my son and daughter. Understand?” Dr. Valdren trembled, adjusted his glasses and nodded his head quickly, “Y-yes sir… I-I’ll see to it personally!” General Gassenarl looked at Baldren, smirked and shook his head. The two then left the area, along with their soldiers, providing escort for the General and his son. Meanwhile, Dr. Valdren was pacing back and forth, running a hand through his sweaty hair and getting more worked up by the minute. He then looked up at the Golem and shouted, “Golem! Get over here!” The Golem removed its foot from its hovering position over Marion, then walked up to the Doctor and loomed over him while looking down at him. “What the hell was that!?” Dr. Valdren screamed, “I gave you a direct order and you disobeyed me!” The Golem remained silent, Dr. Valdren then clapped his hands together, “I got it! You were confused right? From the battle! That has to be it! Yes, yes! All that firing, getting hit and the new experience of it all must have done something to your circuits.” Again the Golem didn’t reply, it simply turned its large mechanical head in the direction of Marion and looked down at her silently. Two of Dr. Valdrens assistants, also wearing lab coats appeared, “Sir! Was that test a success? Was the General impressed?” the female assistant asked. Dr. Valdren shook his head, “Hardly…” “What happened, sir?” the male assistant asked. “More of the enemy escaped than was killed by our Golem and he refused my orders to kill this girl here.” Dr. Valdren said while pointing at Marion, who was still pinned under the sheet of metal. “Was it a malfunction, sir?” the female assistant asked. Dr. Valdren shook his head and adjusted his glasses a few times out of a nervous habit whenever he got worked up. “I don’t know, but we’re going to explore all the options. Get him back to the research facility!” Dr. Valdren ordered, but he stopped as his gaze fixed on Marion, “And bring the girl, too!” “The girl? Why?” the male assistant asked. “Like I said, we need to explore all the options, one includes his refusal to kill her. Maybe there’s a reason behind it!” Dr. Valdren said as he walked next to his huge Golem back to the base. Both of the assistants then lifted the sheet of metal off of Marion and put her arms over each of their shoulders and began to walk back with her. Marion was took weak to resist, or even talk for that matter, she simply allowed them to take her. Actually, I want to get this Marion fanfic over with first. I've got some good momentum going with writing it, and I'd rather not stop and switch over to the Magari one, until this one is finished. I think the whole writing a bit, stopping to think and plan, isn't work as well as I had thought and hoped for. Seems when I stop, I lose momentum and the will to write it. All my stories reflect that. I used to dish out a chapter per night in the past for Adventures in War and Just My Luck when i'd write it in one go. Now, I'm lucky if I get a chapter per month out :*( So, while the momentum is good, I'll stick to one story at a time. No more, writing a thousand words or so, stopping, thinking and adding more later. If I can help it, I'll write it in one go :P |
2011-06-02, 01:21 | Link #786 |
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Nice second preview. Might want to change the name of the scientist, though; sounds too similar to Baldren. Maybe change it to, say, Dr. Von Essen or something like that? I like his personality, though; very much the mad scientist. I hope to see the complete result soon. Spoiler for Idea for a change:
Here's one suggestion on how the story could slightly be altered, considering how you changed the story.
When the Golem goes rogue, Gilbert and Baldren return to discover what has happened, prompting Baldren to execute the scientist (shoots him in the head while the scientist is in the middle of saying he'll fix things). Baldren then leads Dirk and his V2's after the Golem to destroy it, so that its technology doesn't fall into the hands of the Gallian Loyalists (i.e. Lanseal). Last edited by Runty; 2011-06-02 at 01:50. |
2011-06-02, 03:34 | Link #787 |
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Canada
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Spoiler for Marion preview #3:
Marion was then thrown into a small holding cell within the research facility. Dr. Valdren and his two assistants looked at her and ordered, “Check her, remove any dangerous weapons or objects.” “Yes, sir!” Both assistants said. But the male assistant hesitated and bit his lower lip, the female assistant noticed and patted him on the shoulder, “Don’t worry, Zev. I’ll do it. I know you’re not good at handling women!” The female assistant then quickly patted Marion’s pockets and pouches, taking items out along the way. Marion’s wallet, ID card, and a few personal items were scattered all over the floor by her feet. The female assistant then check for her dog tags, but actually lifted out two items from under her shirt. One were her dog tags, the other was a gold medallion in the shape of a fancy cross. That was when Marion grabbed her by the hand, “Please! Take anything you want, but don’t take this… It’s… special to me.” “You heard the doctor… everything must go.” “Please…” Marion pleaded with sad puppy dog eyes. The female assistant grunted, and looked over her shoulder while biting her bottom lip. The Doctor and Dr. Zev had their backs to Marion and her and were busy going through data collected by the Golems first battle experience. Quickly, the female assistant tucked Marion’s medallion back under her shirt, “Here!” she said while patting Marion on the chest. Marion breathed a sigh of relief, “Thank you… Miss?” “Isabella… Doctor Isabella.” Isabella replied. “Yes, thank you, Isabella…” Dr. Isabella smiled, then closed Marion’s cell door and reported back to Dr. Valdren, “Prisoner is secure, sir.” “Yes, yes, but you need to look at this!” Dr. Valdren said as he shoved a clipboard in front of Isabella’s face. “There was a spike of brain activity a few minutes ago, was the pilot given his shots?” Dr. Valden asked. “Yes sir, right on schedule, twenty-four hours from the last injection.” “Then why was there a spike in activity, the shots were supposed to suppress all emotions and memories except for his battle field experience as a General!!” “I don’t know sir, he’s never responded this way before.” Isabella said. “Perhaps it has something to do with that girl over there, you said before that he refused to kill her, but not the others.” Dr. Zev offered. “Perhaps…” Dr. Valdren said while stroking his chin. “Dr. Isabella, walk the prisoner over to the Golem. We’ll keep an eye on the monitors to see if there’s anymore activity.” Dr. Valdren instructed. Isabella nodded, got Marion out of her cell and walked out onto the platform and over to the Golem, stopping just in front of its ‘head’ and then backing away as Marion stood in front of it. The Golem hadn’t moved since it entered the research facility, but once Marion appeared, its head began to turn with a mechanical whirr. Like it was inspecting her. Inside the small lab, Dr. Valdren and Dr. Zev were watching a series of monitors and alarms began to beep and there was another huge spike in brain activity from the pilot. The huge Golem took a step forward, without an order, which was odd. Marion backed up, but bumped into the railing behind her as she trembled in fear. Then, something occurred that she couldn’t have expected to happen in a million years. “Mmmm… Marion?” a mechanical voice from the Golem said. Marion gasped, “H-how do you know my name!?” she cried The Golems head turned from side to side, “Hmmm… unclear…” Meanwhile, the Golems monitors were beeping out of control, small sirens began to ring out from within the observation area. “This. Is. Impossible!!” Dr. Valdren screamed in frustration, “The pilot isn’t supposed to be speaking on his own, nor able to recall any past memories! He’s a failure if he does!!” “Calm down, sir. Let’s see where this goes.” Isabella said while she watch on. “Marion… Seighban… Gaahhh!” The Golem cried in pain as it became unsteady on its feet. Its huge body bumped into the platform that Marion was standing on and shook it violently. She cried out in terror and that was when the Golem grabbed the small swinging platform and stopped it, in what could only be described as a protective instinct or reflex for Marion. Marion let go of the railing that she was holding onto and with her hands cupped over her mouth, she walked shakily towards the Golem. Unable to believe that it knew her full name and acted to protect her just now. The Golem was still groaning in pain, while inside the observation area, on a monitor, his brain activity was spiking rapidly on a scale that none of the scientists had ever seen before. “How can this be… The Golem knows who she is! I thought all of his family and relatives were killed in the last war!” Dr. Valdren cried as he pulled at his hair. “Apparently not, he clearly had some relationship with her in the past before he became our research subject.” Isabella said. Outside, Marion was now on her knees, hands against the Golems large metal head, trying to comfort it. Then, without being ordered to, Isabella pressed a button on a control panel and the clamps around the Golems head began to unbuckle, the entire head hissed as puffs of pressurized air began to spew out from inside. The head was slowly raising up. Dr. Valdren grabbed Isabella by the shoulders and began to shake her while screaming: “What is the meaning of this!? I never gave you the order to--” “Just watch, if I’m correct, we’ll know what the problem is soon, sir.” said Isabella, while prying Dr. Valdren’s hands loose. As the head raised completely out of the way, Marion cupped her hands over her mouth and shook her head furiously, “No… NO!! It can’t be!?” Now, the pilot was fully exposed. But, his arms and legs were gone, mere stumps in their place. Cuffed and coiled around each arm and leg were a series of mechanical clamps, wires and circuitry. The pilots body was covered in a black body glove, all manner of blinking lights, buttons and glowing, pulsing wires, tubes and cables covered his entire torso. His head was bald and bore what looked like a black headband, his face was horribly scarred from burns that had once covered his entire face. But, Marion saw past all of that. It was his eyes, his bright sky blue eyes that she remembered. The ones that she was always looking up into as a child whenever she sat on his knee. “Uncle Caius!” Marion said with tears welling up in her eyes. “Marion Seighban… I remember you…” Uncle Caius said with a weak, wheezy voice. Though not her true uncle, he was her sworn godfather, the title given to him by her father when she was born. “I thought you died in the last war, Uncle!!” Marion cried as she reached out and softly held his cheeks in her hands. “What did they do to you!?” Uncle Caius closed his eyes, “It’s hard to remember, child… all of it…” Across the room, Dr. Valdren was tapping his fingers against his lips, his palms sweating, “This is bad… this is very bad. How is he able to fight the serum and regain control of his memories and emotions!?” “I don’t know sir! It’s not possible! I swear!” Dr. Zev responded. Dr. Isabella shook her head as she watched the two ‘family’ members being finally reunited, in a manner as cruel and tragic as this. She had a very good idea of what went wrong. But kept it to herself. Because she was not cruel and wouldn’t reveal this secret. Back on the platform, Marion was still crying and softly stroking her uncles cheeks with her hands. “The last thing I remember was… rushing back home… to save you…” Marion nodded, “Yes, I remember. You went against orders and returned to our hometown in order to get us to safety when the Imperials invaded.” “Then what happened?” Caius asked. “We all got into the cars you brought, my family and yours but…” “But, what?” “Your families car got hit by a tank shell and exploded, killing everyone inside… But you stayed with us, determined not to let your granddaughter get killed as well. We drove while you covered us with your tank. But…” “No more buts, child. Tell me…” “Just when it looked like we were in the clear… your tank was hit by a series of tank shells and caught fire and burned. I could hear you screaming from within… I tried to get out to help you, but father wouldn’t allow me. He told me that if I got killed, your sacrifice would be for nothing… Your screams stopped soon after and we had to leave… It was all so horrible!” “The agony of being burned alive must have wiped my memory from those events. Though you tell them, I have no recollection of any of those things ever happening.” “Oh Uncle, How did this happen to you!?” Marion cried in heartbreak at the sight of her uncle, embedded into the cockpit of the Golem. “I do not know, Child… How I came to become… this…” Caius replied weakly. A set of speakers crackled and screech, “Alright, times up. Time to get you back into your cell, young lady.” Dr. Valdren ordered and Isabella was already walking towards Marion and her uncle. “Don’t worry, we’ll explain everything to your goddaughter. We won’t hurt her, you have our word.” Isabella reassured, “Your body must be very weak by now. I’d imagine it's near impossible to remain awake, correct?” Marion’s uncle was fighting to stay awake, his eyelids were opening and closing much slower. “You used up a lot of power today and your body is feeling the fatigue the same as a battery that is running low. You need to recharge, or in this case, sleep. Otherwise, you risk the possibility of shutting down… permanently.” Isabella said. Uncle Caius’s eyes turned to Marion and she rubbed her hands together and then nodded, “It’s alright, Uncle. Do as they say. I don’t want to run the risk of losing you again.” Uncle Caius nodded and the head compartment was already beginning to close as Marion and Isabella backed up and looked on. It soon sealed and the Golem backed up and entered a large section next to the wall. Large sets of mechanical arms and clamps began to close in around it and sealed around its arms, legs and torso. The Golem lights from within the cockpit turned off and it then lowered its head and arms and powered down. A soft humming rang throughout the building as the recharging section came to life and did its duty to restore the Golem to full power once again. How's it coming along, lol, I'm on a roll. Wish I had more time to write, I'm sure I could finish it tonight, if only it weren't 3:30 A.M. and I had work tomorrow! This'll probably be the last preview, so tell me what you think, any changes, etc. Spoiler for Idea for a change:
Here's one suggestion on how the story could slightly be altered, considering how you changed the story.
When the Golem goes rogue, Gilbert and Baldren return to discover what has happened, prompting Baldren to execute the scientist (shoots him in the head while the scientist is in the middle of saying he'll fix things). Baldren then leads Dirk and his V2's after the Golem to destroy it, so that its technology doesn't fall into the hands of the Gallian Loyalists (i.e. Lanseal). -I'll take that under advisement, actually, it was pretty much what I had in mind. But we'll have to wait and see where it goes. |
2011-06-02, 13:39 | Link #788 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
|
Quote:
Spoiler for Question:
Do you plan to have Isabella free Marion upon discovering that she's been poisoned? That'd be good characterization, IMO, even if it gets her killed (I'll leave that decision to you).
I'm also guessing Isabella's reason for working with the GRA is so she can avoid any limitations on her work? |
2011-06-04, 11:42 | Link #790 | |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
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Quote:
Why not simply "Golem" for now? EDIT: Here's another idea: "War Machine" Last edited by Runty; 2011-06-04 at 13:53. |
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2011-06-04, 22:35 | Link #791 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Canada
|
Spoiler for Marion fanfic, Preview #4:
Marion was then led back to her small holding cell in the control room of the research facility. Once she entered her cell and the door locked behind her, she turned to face Dr. Isabella. “How could you do that to my uncle! You monsters!” Marion shouted in anger. Before Dr. Isabella could answer, Dr. Valdren and Dr. Zev returned, they had heard Marion’s angry outburst. “You’re uncle was a willing participant,” Dr. Valdren explained, “We’ve done nothing that he didn’t authorize when we explained it to him before we ever started the project.” “No! That’s a lie!” Marion shouted while shaking the cell door. “No, it isn’t…” Dr. Isabella said, “He wanted to keep fighting, as that was all that he had left. To fight for Gallia in whatever way that he could.” “Fight for Gallia? He’s not doing that now! He’s fighting against her!” Marion continued angrily. “Well this war has given us the chance to further our studies into Artificial Valkyria technology. Had it not occurred, we’d never have been given the chance, the resources, or the money to fund our project. We may be fighting other Gallians, but this war is only temporary. Once we correct the mistake with our Golem creation, we’ll be able to successfully demonstrate its true combat capabilities. Then, the GRA will have an army unlike any other. The mighty V2s fighting along side the agile V3s and the unstoppable V4s… we’ll make a fortune once our artificial valkyria prove themselves!” “Sir… I’m beginning to have second thoughts here…” Dr. Isabella said suddenly. “What!?” “Sir… the V3 was a failure… and cost the life of a great pilot… our Zack. And now, the V4 is starting to remember who he once was and may not fight for us any longer. This project is doomed to failure, just like our V3. How can we keep doing what we‘re doing… and call ourselves human. It isn‘t right.” “M-maybe she’s right…” Dr. Zev said, “What we’re doing is bordering on being inhuman…” “Zack got cocky, as usual, and charged on ahead of the rest of the rebels. He got himself killed and took our machine with him! It’s why we had to deaden the will of our V4, so that he would follow orders to the letter.” “Perhaps this miracle of him finding his goddaughter on the battlefield and coming back is a sign that we should quit while we still can, sir.” Dr. Isabella said. “Agreed,” Dr. Zev added. “Perhaps I didn’t mention this… If we fail, we’ll all be executed!” Both Dr. Isabella and Dr. Zev gasped and then looked lost in thought. “Perhaps we deserve to die… for all of our failures and crimes against humanity that our work has produced.” “You may have nothing to lose!” Dr. Valdren shouted as he pointed at Dr. Isabella, “You may have nothing to lose!” he shouted while pointing at Dr. Zev, “But I have my life and my legacy to lose!” “Now come with me! General Gassenarl is expecting results and we have to find a way to fix this problem with our Golem!” and Dr. Valdren left the lab. Dr. Zev looked at Dr. Isabella and shook his head, then left. “You can’t do this to my uncle… he’s a good man. Please don’t do this… please.” Marion pleaded. Dr. Isabella didn’t look at Marion the whole time she said that, “The young pilot we lost, along with the V3... He was my friend… I talked him into volunteering to pilot the V3 in its first combat trial. He gave his life for our work, so I have to see this through. Not for my sake, but for his and all those who died to get us to where we are today.” “Even if it means sacrificing your humanity inorder to achieve it?” Marion asked, “You saw how my uncle refused to follow orders once he regained his memories. You can’t force him to fight!” “I have no choice…” Dr. Isabella said before she left the lab as well, leaving Marion screaming in angry protest and shaking the cell door. Meanwhile, a few kilometres from the weapons depot, Class G and the remnants of Class C and D were awaiting reinforcements from Lanseal. It came in the form of Class A, a convoy of tanks and trucks towing artillery guns. Juliana was marching at the head of the column and Avan made his way over to her. Saluting her once he reached her, she returned the salute. “What’s the situation?” Juliana asked. Avan was about to speak, when Zeri approached and bumped him out of the way. “We encountered a new type of artificial valkyria. A Colossus in comparison to the V2s and the previous V3. Our small arms, lances and tank shells seemed ineffective against this machine of war.” “I see… so how do we plan to deal with it?” “Did you bring the AT mines?” Avan asked. “Yes, as many as we could load onto our trucks, why?” “Set up the artillery guns and tanks on that hill over there,” said Avan pointing behind them, “While Classes C and D are doing that, Class A will lay out the mines in a honeycomb pattern up ahead. Class G will head back to the Depot once the mines are set and act as bait, to lure that huge brute towards our mine field. Once it crosses the minefield, and with some luck, its legs may become disabled and we’ll pound that SOB with all of our artillery, lances and tanks from a distance.” “Sounds like a plan, I can’t wait to see this so called Colossus that you encountered.” Back at the base, Dr. Isabella and Dr. Zev were waiting for Dr. Valdren to return with a so called solution to their problem. Moments later he appeared with a large steel suitcase in hand and set it on the table. “We need a bargaining chip to use against the V4, and the only solution is to use that girl.” “What are you talking about, sir?” Dr. Isabella asked. Dr. Valdren then opened the dual locks on the suitcase and it popped open. Inside were two syringes, and two large bottles. One containing a bright yellow liquid, the other a bright blue liquid. Dr. Valdren then took out the bottle with the yellow liquid and held it up, turning it around and around in his hand as he looked into it. He then took out one of the needles, pierced the top cap and began to draw liquid into the needles holding tube. “No… you can’t be serious!” Dr. Isabella exclaimed as she realized what he had in mind. “What? What’s going on?” Dr. Zev asked. Dr. Valdren then tapped the needle with his middle finger and sprayed a tiny amount out of the needles hollow tip. “This needle contains a fast acting poison. Once injected, it’ll only take… roughly fifteen minutes to work through that girls system, before ultimately killing her.” He then capped the end of the needle and put it into an indent made for the needle inside the suitcase. He took out the blue bottle and drew liquid from it with the needle. “This is the antidote. Once the poison begins to take affect, this is the only thing that will save her. We use the poison to break the will of the V4 and force him to submit to us in exchange for giving his goddaughter the antidote before it's too late.” “Sir, this is murder!” Dr. Isabella protested. “If the V4 doesn’t submit and the girl dies, then the blood will be on the V4s hand, not ours!” “And what if he goes berserk afterwards or even during the negotiations, sir?” Dr. Zev asked. “General Gassenarl is already on his way, along with General Baldren and a squad of his V2 soldiers. We’ll hold the negotiations in the research lab, with the doors sealed and a squad of V2s on deck. The control room has bullet proof windows, an emergency blast shield that we can activate anytime. But most of all, those blast doors leading out of the research lab are reinforced. There’s no way he’ll be able to get out if he ultimately refuses. The V2s will then take him out before he can cause any serious damage.“ Dr. Isabella and Dr. Zev remained silent as Dr. Valdren closed the suitcase, took it off the table and held it in his right hand. “It’s either the girl, or us. General Gassenarl won’t hesitate to kill us if we fail, so I want you to both remember that!” Dr. Valdren then left and was heading back upstairs. Just as Dr. Zev was walking out, Dr. Isabella grabbed him by the arm. “We can‘t do this!? How can we commit such a hideous act and still call ourselves human?” “I don’t want to die… I’d rather live with the guilt that our work has caused, than to die achieving nothing but failure after everything we‘ve been through.” Dr. Zev then headed back upstairs, Dr. Isabella shook her head, then followed them. Moments later, Marion had been taken out of her cell and placed on the ground floor of the research lab. Her hands were cuffed and had a length of chain running to the floor, where it was secured in place. Dr. Isabella was standing next to her, Dr. Zev on the other side. In one corner of the room, stood a V2, in the other corner, another V2. On the above platform stood three more. One final V2 stood guarding the now sealed blast doors to the outer base. Up above, in the control room, General Gilbert Gassenarl, General Baldren were silently watching as Dr. Valdren was flipping switches and pushing buttons on the control panel. “What’s the status of your Golem creation? Has the problem been fixed?” Gilbert growled impatiently. “I’ll show you in a minute, sir.” Dr. Valdren said as he nearly finished the start up sequence. He then grabbed a microphone from off the control panel and the outer speakers came on. “Alright, Dr. Zev… inject the prisoner!” he ordered. Dr. Isabella then grabbed a hold of Marion’s arms from behind and held her as Dr. Zev took out the yellow liquid filled syringe, removed the safety cap and started towards Marion. “What are you doing!? Stay back! I hate needles!!” Marion protested as she tried to back up, but was held in place by both the cuffs chained to the floor and by Dr. Isabella holding her from behind. “Better hold still, otherwise who knows where this needle could end up piercing…” Dr. Zev warned. Then, in a stabbing motion, he injected her in the side of the arm and pushed the plunger down hard, he quickly backed away as Marion screamed in pain. “I’m sorry…” Dr. Isabella said as she let go of Marion and moved to the table where the suitcase and antidote were waiting. Up above, “What was that?” General Gassenarl asked. “The solution to our problem.” he reassured. He then finished the start up procedure and the mighty V4 came to life. The cockpit lit up and the whole machine starting emitting hums and vibrations. The clamps around its arms, legs and midsection came loose and retracted back into the walls. The ground shook as the V4 took a few steps to the center of the research lab floor. The poison was already having a rapid affect on Marion and she started sweating, her vision was blurring in and out and she felt unsteady on her feet as she moaned. “Marion… what’s going on?” Her uncle asked in his mechanical voice. The outer speakers then screeched for a moment before Dr. Valdren’s voice came back on: “We’ve injected her with a fast acting poison. She has roughly fifteen minutes to live before the poison takes full affect and kills her.” “You bastards!” the Golem roared and it raised one of its arms and aimed its many weapons up at the control booth. But neither General Gassenarl nor Baldren flinched, Dr. Valdren however hit the deck and cowered under the control panel before shouting: “BUT! It needn’t be so! We have the means to save her. There’s an antidote on standby, just waiting to be injected into her by my assistants.” The V2s were already aiming their beam weapons up at the mighty golem and shuffling towards it with their shields held up as well. The Golem then lowered its arm with a whirring sound. “What must I do to save her?” he asked in defeat. “Submit to us! Swear your loyalty to us and never again refuse an order and we’ll save your precious girl.” “No! Don’t do it! Don’t you dare swear to do as they command ever again!” Marion shrieked. She then collapsed to her knees and held a hand to her spinning head and moaned in discomfort and pain. “You haven’t much time! Are you really going to let her die?” Dr. Valdren asked over the microphone. Dr. Isabella’s hand never left its position of hovering over the antidote filled syringe as she watched tensely. The Golem’s head turned from Marion, up to the control room where General Gassenarl, his son and the Doctor were waiting for his answer. Then back to Marion as she suffered silently, never showing how much pain she really was in. The seconds ticked by like hours for everyone. “We don’t have time for this!” General Gassenarl growled, “Baldren, you know what to do!” Baldren nodded and snatched away the microphone from Dr. Valdren and shouted: “V2s! To the girl!” The two V2s standing in the corners of the room then swiftly stomped towards her and stood on either side of her. “Now! On the count of Three! Tear her apart!” They dropped their lances and shields, broke her chains and cuffs and each grabbed an arm. “What the hell are you doing!?” Dr. Isabella screamed up to the control room. “It’s taking too long for him to choose! Someone has to make him choose! And now!!” General Gassenarl roared back. Baldren then continued, “ONE!” The V2s then began to pull in opposite directions, Marion screamed in pain. The Golem took a step towards Marion, but the other V2s cut him off, glowed even brighter and moved in closer, ready to attack at a moments notice. “TWO!!” And even tighter they pulled, some sickening creaking noises can from within Marion’s arms as her ligaments, tendons and bones were being stretched and were nearing their breaking point. She threw her head back and shrieked even louder. Tears of pain were streaming down from the corners of her eyes. “STOP!” the Golem shouted, and Baldren halted his counting, but never removed the microphone from near his mouth. “I submit… I submit!!” The Golem shouted up to the control room. General Gassenarl crossed his arms and smirked, Baldren laughed evilly. Then, a tiny voice called out to the Golem, “…No…” It turned its head back to Marion. Her still being held arms were shaking, sweat was dripping off her face and she was holding back her tears as best she could. “Don’t… let them… control you… Uncle…” Marion pleaded with clenched teeth. “I have no choice…” The Golem replied. “If you… do this… I’ll never… forgive you…” She warned with a weak voice. “You’re one count away from having two half-daughters!” Baldren warned, “Submit now!” The two V2s that were holding onto Marion were suddenly pelted mercilessly with two full auto sprays from the Golems wrist mounted machine guns on either arm. Their bullet riddled body fell to the floor, but miraculously, Marion was untouched. The Golems aim was dead on. It then swung its right arm to the side and knocked the V2 nearest to it, straight back and it slammed into the wall with great force. The V2 to the Golems left then fired rapid shots of energy from its lance, but was quickly crushed from above by the Golems mighty arms. Dr. Isabella screamed and dove behind a metal counter as all this was going on. Dr. Zev hit the floor and covered his head with his hands. The three V2s on the platform began to fire their rapid energy shots at the Golem. It stomped towards them, drew its arms back and smashed one end of the high platform, bringing it down in that direction and dumping the V2s off the platform and to the paved floor below. The Golem then turned towards the control room, and shouted: “I. Will. Not. Obey. YOU!!” and fired its machine guns up at the control room, peppering the bullet proof glass. But the rounds never made it through. Dr. Valdren then slammed his palm against a large red button and the control rooms emergency blast shields slide up over the windows and sealed the area off from any danger of attack. “Doctor! What is the meaning of this! Your creation is attacking us!!” General Gassenarl roared. “I-I can’t explain this, General! It’s not possible! I-I swear by the Valkyrur that I’ll find some way to fix--” The Doctors head then flew back as a bullet impacted his forehead, dead center, killing him instantly. Baldren then lowered his large sidearm pistol, and scoffed, “Tsk, more excuses. This whole project was such a waste of resources and money that could have been used to construct numerous V2 squads or tanks for Audrey’s armoured corp.” “Call some more V2s over. We’re not going anywhere until they get here, son.” “Already on it, Father.” Baldren replied as he switched frequencies on the radio control panel. Down below, Dr. Isabella noticed that all was quiet on the research floor now. Slowly and shakily, she started to stand up, only to notice a gigantic gun barrel aimed at her glasses covered face. “Get up.” The Golem ordered. And she stood up, hands held up high and she whimpered in fear. “P-please… D-don’t kill me…” “Why not?” The golem asked, “You were ready to have my Marion killed! What’s to stop me from repaying the favour?” “Wait… don’t kill her… Uncle…” Marion replied from the ground. She was now too weak to stand or even move. “You’re not a monster, Uncle… Don’t slaughter an unarmed woman…” “If you spare me… I’ll save your Marion.” Dr. Isabella offered. The Golem lowered its huge gun barrel and said, “Do it.” Dr. Isabella turned and looked back down at the table… but the suitcase was gone. “The antidote! Where did it go!?” Dr. Isabella cried. She then walked to the other side of the large table and found it on the floor. The syringe was broken with its liquid contents spilled onto the floor. The large bottle it came from was shattered as well. It must have been broken or hit by the many flying beams and bullets. “It’s gone… the antidote has been destroyed…” Dr. Isabella said in defeat, dropping to her knees and hanging her head. The Golem growled angrily, “If she dies… you die!” he threatened. “Wait…” Dr. Isabella said as she picked up the broken antidote bottle. Nearly all of the blue liquid was gone and spilled all over the floor. But as she tipped it to the side, she discovered that she might be able to get just a little bit out if she could find a spare syringe. With this plan in mind, she began rifling through the nearby draws and cupboards. The Golem was know kneeling next to Marion, its hand held near her downed body. Marion was weakly holding onto one of its massive fingers. She was now shaking violently, her breathing becoming quicker, sweat still sliding off her face and collecting in a small pool next to her head. Dr. Isabella then returned with a spare syringe, by some stroke of luck, the last one. The others were hit and shattered in the fight. She then tipped the broken antidote bottle to the side, inserted the hollow needle point into the blue liquid and slowly pulled the plunger back. A full needle vial was needed to counteract the poison… but she was only able to collect less than half that. But it was still better than nothing. Quickly she rushed over to Marion, swabbed her arm, then injected the liquid into Marion. It stung at the point of injection and Marion released a tiny yelp of pain. “It won’t cure you, but it’ll buy you some time… thirty minutes… forty if you’re lucky.” Dr. Isabella advised. The Golem then scooped Marion up into its massive hands, “Then we have to get out of here.” It then charged towards the sealed blast doors and slammed its shoulder into them repeatedly. The whole lab shook and booms echoed through the room with each hit. But they didn’t give, not even to the mighty Golem. “Those doors were designed to keep you in…” Dr. Isabella said, “You can’t bust your way to freedom with brute strength in this situation.” “Then what are we going to do?! Marion’s fading fast!!” Dr. Isabella turned and scanned the room, “Oh god… I hope he’s still alive…” she said to herself. “Dr. Zev! Can you hear me!” “Go away! Leave me alone!” he shouted back from wherever he was hiding. “I need your half of the codes to override the door, I can’t do it alone!” Dr. Isabella called out. Then, Dr. Zev came climbing out from a set of doors underneath a metal table. “They’re coming, Dr. Isabella! They’re coming to kill us! Because we failed! We can’t open those doors! They’ll get us if we do!” “I’m ready to die… to pay for the sins that I’ve committed for all the crimes against humanity that I took part in with these experiments.” Dr. Isabella said. “Let’s not end our lives with an act of cruelty… by poisoning this poor girl and imprisoning her uncle inside this Golem. Open the gates… give them a chance to make it to freedom. And a chance to regain our own humanity… before we die.” Dr. Zev was hesitant to help, but that was when the Golem turned to him and said, “Doctor… please…” Dr. Zev looked at Marion in the Golems giant hands, She had fallen into unconsciousness as the poison continued to work through her system. “Dr. Isabella and I have only one request…” “What is it?” The Golem asked. Dr. Zev sighed, “Remember us for what we’re about to do… not for what we’ve already done that cannot be taken back.” “I will, and I’ll tell Marion when she wakes up.” The Golem responded. “Alright… stand by the door. In a few moments, we’ll open the gates, and get you and Marion out of this lab.” Dr. Isabella headed to one side of the giant gates and stood in front of a control panel, Dr. Zev ran to the other side of the door and stood in front of another identical control panel and keyboard. The Golem meanwhile was moving towards the doors, carefully cradling Marion in its massive arms. The two doctors then worked furiously, putting in their override codes and getting ready to open the doors. Once their codes were successfully entered, small doors on either side of the doors opened up, revealing large levers that needed to be pulled down simultaneously in order for the doors to open up. Both doctors grasped the levers, and looked up at the Golem and Marion. “Good luck…” Dr. Zev said. “I hope you make it…” Dr. Isabella said, “And I’m sorry…” “You’re forgiven…” The Golem said as it softly stroked ones of its giant fingers across Marion’s face. Then, with a nod of her head, both doctors pulled the levers down simultaneously and a flashing yellow light appeared above the gates, an alarm blaring over and over again. And, ever so slowly, the mighty doors began to part ways, revealing the open grounds of the base. The setting red and yellow sky and soft clouds above. The ground shook as the Golem exited the research facility and stomped off in the direction of the dirt road leading out of the base. Dr. Zev gave a quick look around, “Where are all the guards? No matter, we can make it if we run, now!” “You go ahead… I’m just going to stay right here.” Dr. Isabella replied sadly. “Are you mad!? You’ll be killed!” “I know… But that doesn’t mean that you have to die here with me. Go, run, and don’t worry about me… I’ve already made my peace.” “Alright… farewell, Doctor…” And Dr. Zev took off running. Dr. Isabella took the hairband out of her pony tail, gave her head a shake to loosen her hair. Then put her hands in her lab coat pockets and looked up at the sky and the clouds, then towards the setting sun. “So beautiful… a perfect sight to end on…” she said to herself. A white gloved hand then clamped tightly over her mouth, a blade pierced her right square in the back and sank deeply into her flesh. But, Dr. Isabella didn’t even emit the slightest sound of pain despite how much it hurt. The hand let go and her head sank forward, her glasses falling from her face and the delicate lenses shattered on the pavement. She first sank to her knees, then fell onto her side, her face landing next to her glasses. The knife was still embedded in her back, the red and gold ornate handle sticking out, though none of the blade itself was visible. General Gassenarl walked by her face, stepping on her glasses and breaking them even further, chuckling to himself as he continued on past her. General Baldren looked down at her and smiled, “You were brave not to run like your cowardly lab assistant. Which is why I granted you the honour of not putting a bullet in the back of your head, like I will with him, once he’s caught. Die now with what little honour you have left…” General Baldren then swiftly took out his pistol and aimed it at the many vials, beakers and containers in the back of the lab. He rapidly emptied the entire clip, breaking the many glass containers and spilling their contents all over the floor, tables and surrounding walls. He then held up a glass flask he picked up earlier, took out his lighter and held it under a rag that was hanging out of a glass flasks neck, lighting it on fire. On the front of the flask, a flammable warning was printed on a label. He then threw it towards the back of the lab like a Molotov cocktail and it shattered and everything quickly caught fire. Baldren watched the flames grow bigger, smiled and turned while laughing evilly and left Dr. Isabella to die. A photo had fallen out of Dr. Isabella’s inner lab coat pocket and was right next to her body. She picked it up and looked at it with her ever darkening eyes. It was a photo of her and Zack, the young V3 pilot, with said V3 prototype in the background. “I’ll… see you… soon… Zack…” Dr. Isabella said softly. Her eyes then slowly closed and remained shut as her last breath gave out and she passed away, the lab burning furiously behind her. I lied, this'll be the last preview... actually this is more like a series of chapters or mini episodes like on TV :P You get to read some, left with a cliff hanger and wondering what's happening next? Truth be told, I think I like this one, just alittle more than the Magari on So, what did ya think? Good, or bad? |
2011-06-04, 23:31 | Link #792 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
|
Quote:
Spoiler for Suggestions:
You need to remember Juliana's haughty attitude towards Zeri, as she's a semi-Darcsen hater (doesn't really hate them, but thinks them inferior). Also, remember that Juliana doesn't think highly of Avan; you haven't quite portrayed her attitude. =/
Also, try not to constantly refer to Baldren as "General Baldren". It sounds weird and, in actuality, Baldren had the rank of Commander, I think. Just refer to them as "Gilbert" and "Baldren", not by their titles or rank. Loved the execution moment. Cut it short, though, to just "Tsk, more excuses." Adding on his explanation is redundant. I've gone over your redundancy bits before and how you sometimes ramble a bit; it seems to be a habit of yours. Also, for the scene where Avan goes to rescue Marion, I thought up a change you'll need: Cosette goes with Avan to treat Marion. She doesn't completely cure Marion of the poison, but is able to administer some medicine that will keep her alive. Just a minor change, but one that'll make sense. Can't think of anything else right now. Those should help, at least. Please try to finish up soon! |
2011-06-05, 02:57 | Link #793 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Canada
|
Spoiler for Suggestions:
You need to remember Juliana's haughty attitude towards Zeri, as she's a semi-Darcsen hater (doesn't really hate them, but thinks them inferior). Also, remember that Juliana doesn't think highly of Avan; you haven't quite portrayed her attitude. =/
Also, try not to constantly refer to Baldren as "General Baldren". It sounds weird and, in actuality, Baldren had the rank of Commander, I think. Just refer to them as "Gilbert" and "Baldren", not by their titles or rank. Loved the execution moment. Cut it short, though, to just "Tsk, more excuses." Adding on his explanation is redundant. I've gone over your redundancy bits before and how you sometimes ramble a bit; it seems to be a habit of yours. 1) It shows how long its been since I played VC2, I don't remember When Juliana FINALLY started to respect to Avan and Zeri as both a class and as people. I remember Juliana finally called Zeri by his first name, I don't remember what month it was and I don't really remember when it was when Spoiler for VC2 spoiler:
Avan discovered *SPOILER* that Dirk was his brother */SPOLIER*
2) Yeah, same thing, been so long since I last played, I don't remember the GRAs rank. General, Commander, Captain, who was who? 3) That part could have been cut entirely, true. I'll fix that. Thanks for the ideas for the final part. I love this Marion fanfic, it's alot better than the Magari one. Strange, I LOVE Magari, because she is Darcsen. And I've never really love Marion, BECAUSE she was a Darcen hater, and me being me, I love Darcsen people!! |
2011-06-05, 19:39 | Link #794 |
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2011-06-08, 04:06 | Link #796 |
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Canada
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Not quite, I spent the whole day celebrating my birthday and working. But here's what I got in the last hour.
I want your full, blunt, honest opinion :P Spoiler for Marion preview #5:
Soon, a large squad of twelve V2s, led by Dirk, himself, appeared. Dirk reported to Gilbert and Baldren, “Orders?” Dirk asked. “The inferior V4, known as the ‘Golem’ has escaped from the base and is heading towards Lanseal academy, along with our other prisoner,” Baldren explained, “We aren’t concerned with getting the V4 back, nor the other prisoner. But we cannot allow such a machine of war to fall into our enemies hands, understood?” “Yes, sir.” Dirk replied. “Go. Hunt the V4 down and destroy it, along with anyone who gets in your way!” “Understood.” Then, three soldiers appeared, dragging a bloodied up Dr. Zev. “Ah… So the last missing scientist is returned to us,” Baldren said with an evil smile, “The GRA does not tolerate failure on the scale that you foolish scientists have achieved. You shall have a less honourable death than your female comrade." Baldren then turned to his V2s and Dirk, “Finish this fool off before you head out, your way.” Dirk turned to the doctor and said, “Understood.” His mechanical hand then shot out and grasped the doctor by the throat. He coughed and wheezed as Dirks grip tightened. He was then lifted off his feet and rose higher and higher as Dirk extended his arm towards the sky. With a quick flick of his wrist, he broke the doctors neck, killing him outright. His limp body was then dropped to the ground. Dirk then retrieved his lance and shield and led the V2s out of the base and down the dirt road at a jog. The V4s massive footprints provided an easy path to track his direction of travel. Meanwhile, the students of Class A were near finished laying the massive circular shaped anti-tank mines into the ground and covering them back up with dirt and gravel. Avan, Zeri and Cosette were watching. The rest of the cadets of Class G were back at the supply trucks. Loading up their pouches and packs with as much heavy weapons, ammo and gear as they could manage. Suddenly, Avan and the others heard it. The same terrifying ‘Roar’ that the V4 made which sounded like a deafening fog horn blast. They all looked down the road and lumbering towards them was the mighty Golem. “Looks like we don’t have to lure him in… he’s coming right at us!!” Avan shouted. Zeri looked over his shoulders and shouted, “Get to your positions! Make ready!!” Classes C and D were in charge of the many artillery guns and the tanks. All of the barrels began to rise up and aim towards the approaching V4. Even now, the ground began to shake and tremble with each step it took. A few tanks belonging to Classes A and G moved into a defensive position along the roads. The soldiers taking cover behind them, or in the ditch next to the road and aiming their weapons over it. All they could do now was wait. But thankfully, the first part of the plan was working. The Golem was heading straight towards the minefield. Hopefully, Class A had time to place enough mines to disable it. Then the bombardment from all the combined classes tanks, artillery, mortars and lancaar rounds would commence. Zeri, Avan and Cosette were huddled together in the ditch nearest to where the mines were placed. Cosette was taking a few deep, nervous breaths as she watched the mighty V4 get closer and closer. “I hope this works…” she said softly. Zeri patted her on the shoulder, “It will.” he said reassuringly. Zeri then looked over his shoulder and held his arm up in the air, getting ready to bring it down as a signal for the artillery and tanks to open fire once it crossed the minefield. Avan meanwhile, was watching the Golem through a pair of binoculars. Suddenly, something else caught his eye. Far behind the Golem, multiple blue flames from many V2s could be seen coming over the hill. “Oh great… He brought some friends this time…” Cosette said nervously. Avan began to stand up as he continued to look through the binoculars. “No… Something’s not right here…” he said. Dirk, the leader, then came to a halt, aimed his beam weapon at… the Golem and fired off a charged beam shot and struck the V4 in the back of the shoulder, causing it to stumble. It quickly caught its balance and continued towards Avan and the others. “What the!?” Zeri exclaimed, “What’s going on?” Just as the V4 stumbled after being hit again, a girls arm and head came tumbling out of the Golems cupped hands. But it caught her and covered her back up protectively. It was only a momentary glimpse, but Avan knew right away who it was. “It’s Marion! She’s still alive!” Avan cried out in joy. “What? That thing has Marion?” Cosette asked. “A hostage?” Zeri asked. “I don’t think so… The other V2s are shooting at him, and it looks like he’s trying to get away.” Avan explained. Then, his eyes shifted down to the multiple mounds up ahead, realizing how close the Golem now was to the minefield… with Marion in its hands. “Oh crap! I’ve got to warn him!!” Avan shouted as he tossed away his binoculars and scurried out of the ditch, but shouted over his shoulder to Zeri and Cosette. “Stay here!” “Warn him!? What are you talking about!?” Zeri exclaimed. “I don’t know what’s going on!?” Cosette shouted. Avan meanwhile was running as fast as he could towards the Golem, it was still being fired upon by the many V2s behind it. Once he was close enough, he skidded to a stop and began to wildly wave his arms. “Hey! Stop! Don’t come any closer!” Avan warned. Too late, however and the Golem stepped on one of the many buried mines, causing it to explode. It stumbled and its other foot stepped on another mine and it went off as well. Avan hit the deck and covered his head with his hands to protect himself. That was when he heard it, a massive grinding and screeching sound, like a mighty freight train slamming on its emergency breaks and sliding across the rails. Avan looked up and saw the V4 already tipping forward and he was reminded of a massive tree falling after being chopped down. It brought its arms up and held them above its head as it continued to fall, then slammed into the ground face first and shook the ground. At the same time, Marion’s unconscious body came tumbling out of the V4s hands and rolled to a stop on the gravel road. Avan leapt to his feet and crouched down next to her. He shook her softly by the shoulders, “Marion! Marion, wake up!” The V4 was pushing its self up from the ground with its large hands and Avan pulled Marion close, holding her as he watched it attempt to get up. “My… Marion… has been poisoned.” The Golem said to Avan. “What!? Your… Marion?” Avan asked. Another beam shot slammed into the ground next to the Golem and exploded. Avan grunted and held Marion even closer and wrapped his hand around her head, shielding her with his body now. Zeri and Cosette were watching, along with the other classes. “What’s going on? I don’t know what to make of this…” Cosette said as she grabbed a hold of Zeri and shook him. “I’m not sure either… But one things for certain! That metal monster isn’t attacking… But the V2s are,” Zeri replied, he then got on the radio, turned towards the artillery and tanks and shouted while waving his other arm in a windmill motion, “All guns! Crank it up! Target only the V2s and open fire!!” Up on the hills, the cadets in charge of the artillery guns began to rapidly crank the elevation hand wheels, raising the large barrels even higher. The tanks also raised their barrels and also targeted the V2s now. The guns thundered in the distance. Avan gritted his teeth together, remembering what the next phase of the plan was... But the shells continued on over his head and exploded all around the V2s up ahead. They raised their shields up and continued on, though at a much slower pace now. Taking grasp of this momentary lapse in fire, Zeri and Cosette joined Avan as he sat with Marion clutched in his arms. All of them were looking up at the Golem as it looked down at ‘his’ Marion. They all jolted for a moment as it moved one of its massive hands towards them, then, ever so softly, ran its finger against the side of Marion’s head. The Golem looked up at Avan, Zeri and Cosette. “Get her out of here…” the Golem ordered. “What are you--” Avan started “Go!” The Golem shouted, “I can’t help her anymore…” Everyone paused out of confusion, that was when a blue swirling beam flew overhead and took out a tank behind them. The explosion snapped them back to their senses. “Alright, Let’s get out of--” “Wait…” Marion’s voice said softly. Avan and the others looked down and Marion’s eyes were partially opened. Her eyes were bloodshot now. Her face drenched with sweat, bits of her hair clung to her face. “Don’t… take me… away…” Marion pleaded weakly. “Marion! Are you alright? Can you walk?” Zeri asked. “No, she can’t. She’s been poisoned. Take her! Save her!” The Golem begged. “No! I’m not going anywhere!” Marion cried and with freakishly new energy, she pushed Avan away and climbed back to her feet. She then reached down, grabbed the Golems fingers and began to pull. “Come on, Uncle! Come with us!” The Golem shook its mighty head, “I Can’t… Leg and battle damage are too severe. I’ll only slow you down.” Zeri and Avan looked up at the approaching V2s and Commander Dirk getting closer. Then nodded to each other and were now trying to pry Marion away. “Let me go!” She screamed, smacking their hands away and returning to her Uncles side. “You have to get up! Please, Uncle!!” Cosette ran up to Marion’s side, “Marion! If there is poison in your system then we have to keep your heart rate down! I’m serious!” Tears were streaming down Marion’s cheeks, “Please, Uncle! Get up!!” The Golem had already been trying for the past minute, but it’s badly damaged mechanical legs were shooting out sparks and grinding and screeching loudly. “The V2s are getting closer, Marion. You have to leave now!” The golem replied as it pulled its hand away. Cosette meanwhile, was on her knees, digging through her medical pouch. She then pulled out a small needle filled with a clear liquid. Zeri looked back and saw what she was doing, right away he knew what she had in her hand. A sedative. They locked eyes and Zeri nodded his head and mouth the words, “Do it.” Avan and Zeri each grabbed one of Marion's arms. While Cosette crawled on her hands and knees, grabbed Marion by the waist when she was close enough and jabbed the needle into her buttocks and injected her with the sedative. Marion yelped, turned and rubbed the area of injection, now beginning to feel very woozy and sleepy. She swayed side to side, held a hand to her spinning head and collapsed to her knees. She looked up at Cosette with teary, red eyes and said in a sad voice, “You had no right… you had no right…” “I’m sorry, but I had to,” Cosette replied. The Golem reached forward with its large fingers, placed them under Marion’s chin and softly raised her head. “Go with your friends, Marion. I’ll be right behind you…. I promise.” “I won’t go,” Marion said weakly. “Then we’ll both die here!” The Golem said with a raised voice. “I won‘t leave you like I did last time!” Marion managed to shout back. The Golem slammed its fist into the ground, shaking the earth around it, “MARION!!” The Golem screamed. Marion fell back by this time and was being cradled on either side by Zeri and Cosette. The Golem then reached forward and Marion raised her shaky hands and grabbed a hold of its finger. “Look at me,” The golem said as it brought its mighty head towards her, “Trust me…” Marion nodded, let go of its finger and pulled her fancy gold cross out from under her shirt. She quickly took it off and held it out to the Golem, “Remember this? You gave it to me… when I was only a child. I’ve carried it ever since…” She then put it into the Golems hand, “Give it back to me when… we meet… again,” Marion pleaded very weakly now. She was fighting to stay awake for only a moment longer, “You have to come back, Uncle. Please… come… back… to--” Marion fell to the affects of the sedative and went to sleep. -The ending is taking longer and is much harder than I ever thought. That's how it works, it sounds short, simple and good in my head. Then, once I get to typing, it becomes SO much more complicated. btw... I wrote this after I got back from the bar after celebrating my birthday:P Since you asked, I wanted to get something new up :P. So it's probably not my best written stuff. But it's close to what I wanted... VERY rough draft that I'll change later as well. |
2011-06-08, 10:24 | Link #797 |
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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Spoiler for Suggestions:
First, I'd have it so that the group that's attacking the Golem when it arrives before the Lanseal forces is a group of Rebel regulars, which would include tanks. Dirk and his V2's would arrive shortly after the Golem is immobilized by the anti-tank mines. That would help justify what Lanseal's forces are doing.
EDIT: Speaking of the anti-tank mines, it'd be neat if some Class G members were laying them, with one (i.e. Pete) being eager in a "they'll never know what hit them" way. Adds some nice personality. A few wording changes: - When Baldren is speaking to Dr. Zev, he should say "Dr. Isabella" instead of "your female comrade". Sounds better when spoken. (I liked how Dirk executed Zev, though). - When Marion is sedated by Cosette, change what she says from "You had no right" to "Why...?" That speaks volumes more. - When Marion is knocked out, saying she "went to sleep" sounds too innocent, IMO. Change it to "lost consciousness" or something along those lines. Oh, and don't forget about Juliana being there. She shouldn't be among those that rescue Marion, but she would lead the Lanseal forces in the absence of Avan and Zeri. Last suggestion: Marion doesn't regain consciousness until she's back at Lanseal. It's there that she discovers that Caius is dead (Avan retrieves the golden cross pendant from the Golem's remains), which causes her to break down in tears. You can take it from there. Last edited by Runty; 2011-06-08 at 11:53. |
2011-06-09, 13:32 | Link #798 |
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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I've been thinking up another one-shot idea, but I don't think it'd be very easy for you to write, Snowman. Why? Because it'll involve quite a bit of military law, which I'm guessing is not your field. It'd be more up DC20's alley or redshocktrooper's.
Anyways, for anyone who's interested, here's the basic plot synopsis - it stars Reiner and Sigrid. Spoiler for Reiner:
After a skirmish in Rebel-occupied territory, Reiner is arrested for allegedly breaking military rules of engagement, opening fire on a group of Rebel sympathizers without authorization. Reiner insists that he follows the rules to the letter, but his credibility is put under scrutiny due to his friendship with Sigrid, a well-known former Rebel. Sigrid's own testimony on Reiner's behalf is also questioned, due to his background.
Throughout the whole legal debacle, Lotte also seeks to find out the truth, although she tells Sigrid that if she finds evidence that would prove Reiner as guilty, she still plans to show it due to her credo. (Sigrid understands this, as Lotte is following the "justice is blind" philosophy). In the end, evidence emerges that proves Reiner is innocent, although the trials reveal some unsettling facts about Reiner's conduct and views. |
2011-06-09, 14:22 | Link #799 |
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Canada
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Concerning my Marion story:
Spoiler for Execution moment:
I felt like I should have had both Dr. Isabella and Dr. Zev say something just before their executions. As one act of definance, one last F-U towards the GRA and Baldren :P Any ideas for either?
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2011-06-09, 14:52 | Link #800 | |
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Spoiler for Suggestions:
I'd not have something like that for Dr. Isabella. Her act of defiance, in my mind, was letting the Golem escape. That's more than enough damage.
For Zev, on the other hand, it would be perfectly appropriate. Have it like this: Baldren asks Zev if he has any last words, prompting Zev to spit a small amount of blood onto Baldren's boot. Baldren, viewing this in a dismissive way, responds by (casually) telling Dirk to finish Zev off, prompting the execution. |
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