Dating

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by NorthernFallout

Never really write such stuff down in public, but hey... how about some self-realization that destroys oneself? Besides, I can practice some prose.

I don't recall reading your original post about your situation, nor am I going to look for it. It sounds like you were dealing with a lot more than a long-distance relationship, though. The first thing that struck me was the age difference. Eight years isn't insurmountable, but when you're in your 20's it still feels pretty significant. The second thing is that it seems like this lady is from a different country. Based on what you've said, I take it that English isn't your primary language; no matter how good you are at it, the language difference combined with potential cultural differences represents another large obstacle to overcome.

I think that what you did was commendable, to be up-front about your feelings and not put on a false showing of affection. Don't be too hard on yourself. Relationships will always hurt at least one person involved when they end, but it's better to end them than to go through life with a relationship that isn't based on true feelings.

[NorthernFallout]

Originally Posted by Ledgem

I don't recall reading your original post about your situation, nor am I going to look for it. It sounds like you were dealing with a lot more than a long-distance relationship, though. The first thing that struck me was the age difference. Eight years isn't insurmountable, but when you're in your 20's it still feels pretty significant. The second thing is that it seems like this lady is from a different country. Based on what you've said, I take it that English isn't your primary language; no matter how good you are at it, the language difference combined with potential cultural differences represents another large obstacle to overcome.

Correct. I won't say the exact location, but UK-wise. Swedish myself.

I think that what you did was commendable, to be up-front about your feelings and not put on a false showing of affection. Don't be too hard on yourself. Relationships will always hurt at least one person involved when they end, but it's better to end them than to go through life with a relationship that isn't based on true feelings.

Thanks for your words. Last part pretty much my thoughts.

The final challenge I now face is to be around her in the house for the next three days. I am paying for her flight back, of course, as well as cooking the meals as I've done before, but beyond that I think I will keep interaction to a minimum. Not much else I think I can do but harden up and take it head-on.

[Ledgem]

The situation doesn't necessarily have to be an uncomfortable or awkward one. You're feeling uncomfortable because you think that she's thinking terrible things about you. While that would certainly be an expected reaction, who knows what she's really thinking? Maybe she wants to talk it through some more; maybe she's actually not upset at all, and you two can still be friends of some sort. Don't assume too much about what she's thinking.

[NorthernFallout]

^True, it's a fault of mine I tend to do alot. I'll see how it goes in the morning.

[ReaperxKingx]

Originally Posted by NorthernFallout

^True, it's a fault of mine I tend to do alot. I'll see how it goes in the morning.

No need to feel uncomfortable about it, despite what happen act normally. It is normal to think that way after what you have done, but at least you are better than most and decided to tell her the truth. Who knows, maybe this will actually help your relationship to be friends despite the past.

[DonQuigleone]

Indeed, she's 30, so she's probably been through it all already, and let's face it, a 22 year old guy, and 30 year old woman are in very different places. She's probably looking to settle down have kids, most of us guys don't want to be doing that until at least 28. Women obviously prefer to start younger (as they peak younger, the clock is really ticking at 30), which is why it's usually older guy/younger girl.

If she didn't think about that, she'd have been naive. Hopefully you can stay friends though.

[NorthernFallout]

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

Indeed, she's 30, so she's probably been through it all already.

She hasn't, actually. I was her first in that way... but I can't help she's been a little naive, or inexperienced, herself as she trusted me and herself from the start and saw nothing wrong with it. She's got a lot of emotional baggage that probably played into it. This, of course, makes it even more awful, but it's lesson for both of us.

As for the rest of what you said, I can just nod as it sounds like what happened.

[Tigress]

This is really for people that might have experience with this and it's an ongoing thing.

I have a dilema involving a good friend. He recently confessed to wanting more than friendship and this really scares me to death. We've been close friends since we were younger teens and hung out a lot with just the two of us messing around. He has dated a lot of girls and I have not been very active in romantic circles, with one ex and so this was a surprise really and I dont know if good or bad. My last relationship ended badly and I am worried about if I say yes and that if it ends in a similar way that I will lose a valuable friend. Has anyone else here dated a long time friend and did it work out? It's not the typical boy-girl thing. I have talked to other people and got some advice, but I am still torn.

Just to clarify, he told me last month, but has been bringing the subject up whenever he can get something into our conversations. I try to avoid it. It's cowardly of me to keep changing the subject, but I do not want this to go bad.

[viperdk1]

Originally Posted by Tigress

This is really for people that might have experience with this and it's an ongoing thing.

I have a dilema involving a good friend. He recently confessed to wanting more than friendship and this really scares me to death. We've been close friends since we were younger teens and hung out a lot with just the two of us messing around. He has dated a lot of girls and I have not been very active in romantic circles, with one ex and so this was a surprise really and I dont know if good or bad. My last relationship ended badly and I am worried about if I say yes and that if it ends in a similar way that I will lose a valuable friend. Has anyone else here dated a long time friend and did it work out? It's not the typical boy-girl thing. I have talked to other people and got some advice, but I am still torn.

Just to clarify, he told me last month, but has been bringing the subject up whenever he can get something into our conversations. I try to avoid it. It's cowardly of me to keep changing the subject, but I do not want this to go bad.

Regarding the bolded part, tell him that you need time to think it over - and that you'll give him a decision when you're ready. It can't be helpful having him bug you every so often when you're trying to clear your head enough to make a reasonable decision on the subject.

I don't have much experience with this really (I'm about as active romantically as you are), but in my opinion, the question you have to ask yourself is whether you're willing to risk losing the friendship you currently have with him to pursue a deeper relationship - because if things don't work out (as you're probably aware), things can never really go back to being the way they were before the relationship began. It sounds really obvious, but it's a bloody hard choice to make.

[NoemiChan]

Originally Posted by Tigress

This is really for people that might have experience with this and it's an ongoing thing.

I have a dilema involving a good friend. He recently confessed to wanting more than friendship and this really scares me to death. We've been close friends since we were younger teens and hung out a lot with just the two of us messing around. He has dated a lot of girls and I have not been very active in romantic circles, with one ex and so this was a surprise really and I dont know if good or bad. My last relationship ended badly and I am worried about if I say yes and that if it ends in a similar way that I will lose a valuable friend. Has anyone else here dated a long time friend and did it work out? It's not the typical boy-girl thing. I have talked to other people and got some advice, but I am still torn.

Just to clarify, he told me last month, but has been bringing the subject up whenever he can get something into our conversations. I try to avoid it. It's cowardly of me to keep changing the subject, but I do not want this to go bad.

Just be honest about your feelings and tell him what you. If your not ready, tell him. If he say he'll wait.. then better. That way, you could assess more yourself and him. Its normal to be scared for another try but do it with caution.

Funny, I'm giving advices knowing, I never had a girlfriend since I started to roam this world....

[Tigress]

Originally Posted by viperdk1

Regarding the bolded part, tell him that you need time to think it over - and that you'll give him a decision when you're ready. It can't be helpful having him bug you every so often when you're trying to clear your head enough to make a reasonable decision on the subject.

No it's not. It just makes things more uncomfortable and puts me back in a bit of panic.

Originally Posted by viperdk1

I don't have much experience with this really (I'm about as active romantically as you are), but in my opinion, the question you have to ask yourself is whether you're willing to risk losing the friendship you currently have with him to pursue a deeper relationship - because if things don't work out (as you're probably aware), things can never really go back to being the way they were before the relationship began. It sounds really obvious, but it's a bloody hard choice to make.

Yes, I do realise this and he hasn't exactly got the best track record ie. the number of failed relationships under his belt. That's not to say it wouldn't work with us with the friendship we already have, but if it does not then as you say things most likely will never be the same.

Originally Posted by GenjiChan

Just be honest about your feelings and tell him what you. If your not ready, tell him. If he say he'll wait.. then better. That way, you could assess more yourself and him. Its normal to be scared for another try but do it with caution.

Funny, I'm giving advices knowing, I never had a girlfriend since I started to roam this world....

I still appreciate the reply. Maybe I will sit him down and talk to him and tell him I need some time, you both are right really. Why can life not be straight forward?

[GDB]

Originally Posted by Tigress

Yes, I do realise this and he hasn't exactly got the best track record ie. the number of failed relationships under his belt.

If you decide to decline him, this is probably the best way to go about explaining it to him. It's really the only way to reject him without damaging the relationship anyway, since it's a very valid reason from every perspective.

[viperdk1]

Originally Posted by Tigress

Yes, I do realise this and he hasn't exactly got the best track record ie. the number of failed relationships under his belt. That's not to say it wouldn't work with us with the friendship we already have, but if it does not then as you say things most likely will never be the same.

I understand you probably won't know this, but why is his relationship record so poor? Does it relate to him or the girl he's been dating?

Originally Posted by Tigress

I still appreciate the reply. Maybe I will sit him down and talk to him and tell him I need some time, you both are right really. Why can life not be straight forward?

I ask myself that question sometimes too

[ReaperxKingx]

Tigress, I was in your situation well a little worse I might say. Overall, these relationships starting from friends can work. I been with my girlfriend for 6 and half years and known her 3 year prior. 3 years is short, but she was one of my few friends. It is up to your heart if you feel you should take the risk and be in the relationship with him. If you are still pondering, realistically you should do this in your mind, but if you can't. Mark down some stuff in a paper concerning your friend. His goods and his bads. Also, question yourself like does he attract you, can you see it working, and above all else can he be the one? Usually you need only two of the three to check off and then work on the last. Lastly I hope you good luck and maybe my advice can help you.

[Tigress]

Originally Posted by GDB

If you decide to decline him, this is probably the best way to go about explaining it to him. It's really the only way to reject him without damaging the relationship anyway, since it's a very valid reason from every perspective.

This is a good point. I did not think about it in this way.

Originally Posted by viperdk1

I understand you probably won't know this, but why is his relationship record so poor? Does it relate to him or the girl he's been dating?

He talks to me a lot and I think it's all on him and his "personality finding" crusade, which is a little accentric to me. He has been trying to find himself. Almost all of these have not been sexual relationships meaning they have not been serious enough. That gives him bonus points in my eyes. Not many girls want to know that the guy they are dating has had a million of notches on his bedpost. Now he is 23 and he thinks it's time to look for something real. Old conversations tell me this. Am I that person, or am I just someone else to test his dating skills out on? I have been weighing the pros and cons quite a lot.

Originally Posted by ReaperxKingx

Tigress, I was in your situation well a little worse I might say. Overall, these relationships starting from friends can work. I been with my girlfriend for 6 and half years and known her 3 year prior. 3 years is short, but she was one of my few friends. It is up to your heart if you feel you should take the risk and be in the relationship with him. If you are still pondering, realistically you should do this in your mind, but if you can't. Mark down some stuff in a paper concerning your friend. His goods and his bads. Also, question yourself like does he attract you, can you see it working, and above all else can he be the one? Usually you need only two of the three to check off and then work on the last. Lastly I hope you good luck and maybe my advice can help you.

Same as above. I have been thinking strongly about the ups and downs of it all. He is an attractive guy, but I dod not see him in that light before now. I will be realistic and say that I may not be regarded as beautiful, but mildly pretty. I might be hard on myself, but it's an honest observation. Whether it will work or not is still a big question and why I am torn.

[NoemiChan]

Originally Posted by Tigress

Almost all of these have not been sexual relationships meaning they have not been serious enough. That gives him bonus points in my eyes. Not many girls want to know that the guy they are dating has had a million of notches on his bedpost. Now he is 23 and he thinks it's time to look for something real. Old conversations tell me this. Am I that person, or am I just someone else to test his dating skills out on? I have been weighing the pros and cons quite a lot.

Now this is quite rare... definitely a good qualities of a good man.. but still. Assess, assess, assess. If a couple of months (or a year) and he didn't change he's feelings for you then.. maybe he is the one or you're the one...

[ReaperxKingx]

Originally Posted by Tigress

This is a good point. I did not think about it in this way.


He talks to me a lot and I think it's all on him and his "personality finding" crusade, which is a little accentric to me. He has been trying to find himself. Almost all of these have not been sexual relationships meaning they have not been serious enough. That gives him bonus points in my eyes. Not many girls want to know that the guy they are dating has had a million of notches on his bedpost. Now he is 23 and he thinks it's time to look for something real. Old conversations tell me this. Am I that person, or am I just someone else to test his dating skills out on? I have been weighing the pros and cons quite a lot.

Same as above. I have been thinking strongly about the ups and downs of it all. He is an attractive guy, but I dod not see him in that light before now. I will be realistic and say that I may not be regarded as beautiful, but mildly pretty. I might be hard on myself, but it's an honest observation. Whether it will work or not is still a big question and why I am torn.

Why don't you ask him what he thinks of you before you go out with him? See in his reactions and think about his answers. You already stated he was in mostly no sexual relationships that may be due to him no being serious. This method is kind of direct so you may want to occasionally pop the question about the detail and see if he see you as a girl he wants to be in a serious relationship. That may give you assurance to make a decision. Take as much time that you need, if you he really does love you and want to be in a relationship he will wait. I waited for my girlfriend to make an answer 3 months and 10 days. There is no need to rush, because if you answer if you are not sure that could be worse. It takes two in a relationship.

[Tigress]

Originally Posted by GenjiChan

Now this is quite rare... definitely a good qualities of a good man.. but still. Assess, assess, assess. If a couple of months (or a year) and he didn't change he's feelings for you then.. maybe he is the one or you're the one...

Originally Posted by ReaperxKingx

Why don't you ask him what he thinks of you before you go out with him? See in his reactions and think about his answers. You already stated he was in mostly no sexual relationships that may be due to him no being serious. This method is kind of direct so you may want to occasionally pop the question about the detail and see if he see you as a girl he wants to be in a serious relationship. That may give you assurance to make a decision. Take as much time that you need, if you he really does love you and want to be in a relationship he will wait. I waited for my girlfriend to make an answer 3 months and 10 days. There is no need to rush, because if you answer if you are not sure that could be worse. It takes two in a relationship.

I have been panicing so much about all of this and with him bringing it up all the time. I did not stop to think that I do have time and I should use it. If he loves me for real, I'd go for it, but I do not want him to take me for granted and destroy what we have now. If I had not found the thread posted here on this forum, I probably would have went ahead and made some decision either way to get him to back off. Thank you to all for the advice. This has really helped to clear my head. HUGS

[viperdk1]

Originally Posted by Tigress

He talks to me a lot and I think it's all on him and his "personality finding" crusade, which is a little accentric to me. He has been trying to find himself. Almost all of these have not been sexual relationships meaning they have not been serious enough. That gives him bonus points in my eyes. Not many girls want to know that the guy they are dating has had a million of notches on his bedpost. Now he is 23 and he thinks it's time to look for something real. Old conversations tell me this. Am I that person, or am I just someone else to test his dating skills out on? I have been weighing the pros and cons quite a lot.

(Bold part) There are some guys out there who will not want to progress to that level of relationship until they are married (I being one of them). From what you're saying, that isn't necessarily the case with him - but regardless, as you say, it's a bonus

Originally Posted by Tigress

Same as above. I have been thinking strongly about the ups and downs of it all. He is an attractive guy, but I dod not see him in that light before now. I will be realistic and say that I may not be regarded as beautiful, but mildly pretty. I might be hard on myself, but it's an honest observation. Whether it will work or not is still a big question and why I am torn.

Think I can only repeat what Reaper has said above (and refer back to what I said before) - if he truly loves you, he will be willing to wait for your decision. If he continues to pester you (even after you tell him to wait), I'd be wondering whether he is actually interested in you or is merely interested in getting into another relationship.


Whatever happens (whether good or bad) will happen for a reason - but I wish you all the best

[NoemiChan]

Originally Posted by Tigress

I have been panicing so much about all of this and with him bringing it up all the time. I did not stop to think that I do have time and I should use it. If he loves me for real, I'd go for it, but I do not want him to take me for granted. If I had not found the thread posted here on this forum, I probably would have went ahead and made some decision either way to get him to back off. Thank you to all for the advice. This has really helped to clear my head. HUGS

*HUGS. NO problem!!!! Inform us if anything progresses... Don't rush!!!