The sound of the coin hitting the bottom latch of the pay phone gave me pause. I sat there quietly staring wondering what the hell I was doing. I gripped the receiver again, I could feel the sweat build on my hands. The warmth of my grip caused the phone to fog. I breathed out slowly. I knew I had to do it, if I didn’t I would do something stupid and only make matters worse. I stepped back and rubbed my brow my hair kicked up every which way. I didn’t care anymore, why should I. It isn’t like anyone pays attention to me anyway. I fumble into my purse and slowly reach for a soft cylinder object. I toy around with it in my fingers before lifting it out. The lid was crusted with pieces of left over chap stick I failed to remove when closing it. I brush at it hopelessly finding the pieces sticking to my fingers.
I wipe it off on my dress and sigh as the little fuzz and lint that I had so carelessly forgot to roll off my dress gathered around the chap stick shavings. I ignored it. Why care? So many people fuss over so many things and I am through with that. I gazed up at the night sky. The days were so much shorter in the winter. I feel like I have been in perpetual darkness. Maybe it was a metaphor, or maybe I have become a bit to melodramatic for my tastes. I sigh once more and make my way down the street. I pass by a few people with thick brown bags, they hurried by in their usual fashion eyes to the ground. No one seemed to make eye contact anymore. Everyone seemed apt to type away on a phone, but to make eye contact to talk in person. This world is a socially anxious person’s paradise.
I made my way to my apartment, there was really no point in lingering for a while. There was no point in being out in the cold. I drew out a long breath watching the steam rise from my mouth. The air was fresh, there were hints of baking in it. I guess it was that time of year. Oh how I longed for something warm and moist. Perhaps a yeast roll or pastry of sorts. I briefly turn back towards the market, but would resolve to simply going home and lay in bed. My life was rapidly falling to pieces and I didn’t really have the drive or the strength to deal with it anymore.
My apartment was unusually dark when I approached it. I didn’t know what to think. Possibly everyone was away for the holidays. I gaze out along the parking lot to see all but one car missing. I shake my head. It sometimes feels like I am the only one in the world. I move to the door, but there is an old man who let me in. He’s a nice fellow, he noticed right away that I was alone.
“Where’s your little male friend?” he asked, but my face said everything. He rolled the cigarette in between his fingers and placed it behind his ear. He smiled to me. “He didn’t deserve you.” Why does everyone say that? I don’t quite understand it. If he didn’t why am I the one miserable and alone? It makes no sense. I feign a smile and a thanks. I am not reassured, but he didn’t need to know that. I sluggishly made my way back to the apartment and opened the door. I waddle in my shoes falling from my feet like dead weights. They fell in heaps upon my rain boots. I stumble drunkenly to my bed and bury my face in it. No tear is shed. I’ve cried enough. It doesn’t change anything, and it won’t help me in the end. I look up at the window, the curtains block my view of the outside. Nothing really to see, but the dim lights of outdoor lamps.
I close my eyes and rub my head, I feel the coarse hair between my fingers and almost scorn it. Though the need for sleep over takes me and with my clothes still on I slumber. I don’t know if I dreamed that night. I am not sure I even cared, the feeling was warm. Perhaps too warm. When I stir awake again the light rays from the sun annoy me. I yawn loudly then slide out of bed weakly. I gaze around the room before rubbing my eyes then shuffle out towards the living room. I collide with the couch and turn on the TV. Just a stupid drawl was all I could hear. Something about presidents and terror. I flipped through the channels. Every station was either some dumb talk show, or a ridiculous amount of hate news. I flip the remote down from my fingers and lay back briefly.
My mind trickles away into various fantasies. A man who would not leave me, a better place, and perhaps even better food. I drool slightly at the thought of food and raise myself. My hair falls in my face I look through the strands before brushing them back. I made my way to the kitchen with dread the sound of food crackled beneath my feet. I should really sweep that I thought. Then gazed at a mountain of dishes. I should probably clean those too. I grasp the cereal box as it crumples in on itself, and set it onto the counter. I open the cupboard to see that most of the bowls are gone and let out a soft sigh. I then grasp the box and make my way back in front of the TV. I shovel handfuls of cereal in my mouth some fall down my blouse, but I don’t care to take it out.
A buzzing from my phone breaks me from my daydream,. I fumble with it on the table next to me before picking it up. On the other line is Mandy. I give a rather weak hello before shovelling more food into my mouth. Mandy giggled quietly on the other end.
“That is rather lady like.” She said, but I don’t respond. I simply asked her what she is up to. She was merely checking on me. I dislike it when people worry about me like this. Calling me and asking me questions. I had hoped that I would be able to simply wallow in pain on my own. “How about coming out tonight.”
“Where?” I ask suddenly my body trembled a little at the thought of going out in public. If it’s Mandy it’s going to be a place with a lot of people. A place where I either disappear, or panic. I couldn’t say no, and soon I found myself agreeing to it.
“Right, then I shall see you at seven.” I agreed and then hung up with a loud sigh. Why is it always at seven? What is so great about meeting up at seven? Most places around here close by nine? Unless she is trying to take me to a bar. I swallow hard, the place is more like a meat market than anything else. So many strange people. So many bad people, so many good people that shouldn’t be there mingling with the bad. I frown to myself and feel a trickle of sweat tickle my arm. Am I already that anxious? I shift from the couch and look down at the box of cereal. I am not looking forward to this. I thought and rose to my feet.
I would spend much of the day milling about tidying up various things. I had left so much unclean throughout my depression. Each movement and each step I forced myself to clean. My body groaned and was not limber for the task. I brush my hair back letting out another sigh. I seem to do that a lot of sighing these days. I’ve got a lot to be annoyed about, but I really should try to start looking at the bright side of some things. I look over my shoulder at a pile of dishes, a wall of recycling, and clothes everywhere in my room. A frown creases it’s way across my face. I really have let myself go. I start by picking up the clothes. Memories of my time with him enters my mind. I shake them free, but the more I pick up my clothes the more my fantasies get the best of me. I pause in the room and stare blankly. I had to get out of here.
My usual rituals for going out normally doesn’t take me long. I don’t care much for my appearance anymore so I just throw anything on. I grabbed for a clean skirt and blouse. Then made my way to the bathroom. There I had a quick shower. The warm water was almost revitalizing. Something about water always had a profound effect on me. I catch myself from sighing then accidentally spray myself in the face with my body wash. I rub my eyes irritated and cursing, but the bottle simply slips from my grasp and onto the bathtub floor. I fumble for it all the while my eyes burning and searing like two devils were merrily jabbing my eye sockets. I grasp the bottle and try to wash myself despite my eyes feeling like they could blast hot beams of liquid death from them.
In time I found myself outside my apartment, my coat buttoned up and bound tightly. I flick out my hair from the collar then make my way. The cool air bit at my legs. I wanted to complain, but I was the idiot who chose a skirt. I toughed it out and made my way into town. All around me there seemed to be people moving in and out of shops. It was Christmas after all, but this was ridiculous. I make my way around the massing swarms of drones and into an alley. I walk quietly there and turn quickly to the library. When I enter I realize immediately that I am the only dork in there. I gaze around and then make my way quickly to a computer. I search for books about depression, then felt that was too depressing. So I started browsing books on kittens. Kittens can’t be depressing can’t they? I make my way through the aisles to see a few students chuckling over a book.
I was somewhat happy that I wasn’t the only dork in the library. I looked at each of the students. One was tall with short dark hair, he seemed to try his hardest to grow a moustache, but was failing miserably. Instead it looked like he got slapped in the face by a dust bunny. I gaze at the other student who’s hair was blonde and shaggy. He had a soft smile on his face, the kind that makes a person smile when you see it. I found myself smiling and then made my way to the kittens. I collect the first book I see and flip through the pictures. I grin to myself stupidly, page after page I giggle quietly. Eventually one of the students approaches me. I look up at him, as I had found myself slide down the bookshelf and onto the floor.
“You like cats huh?” I tense up. Why is he talking to me? I look around myself then back up to him.
“Not particularly.” I say stupidly closing the book. I try to reinstate some dignity, but the position I was in was both uncomfortable and difficult to rise up from.
“I see,” he was turning awkward as was the situation. Every fibre of my being was telling the guy to beat it. Instead to be polite I try to think of some kind of conversation. Anything at all. “Well,” he said suddenly. “Sorry to bother you, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” Did my eyes play tricks on me or was he genuinely upset. I stare stupefied as he made his way back to his friend. The friend clapped him on the back of the head and soon the pair had made their way from the library.
What an odd encounter I thought. I looked down at my book then opened again. Strange that he’d approach me. No one ever does that. I begin grinning like a fool once more. Before I knew it even more time had passed. I stretch then looked around quietly. The library felt eerie with no one around. I closed the book and checked my watch. So much time needed to pass and I couldn’t go back to that apartment. I had to do something, something that was more interesting. I made my way through the library and out the door. The cold bit into me hungrily. I pull my scarf around my face and hurry my way down the street and into the holiday crowd.
I assured myself I was not committing suicide, though I heard many shoppers have become somewhat competitive. I enter the mall and proceed with caution. I felt like a part of cover ops dodging people and making my way through. My anxiety began to peak at this point so I shifted myself towards the book store. I browsed around briefly. The smell of books seemed to relax me, but I over hear that books are becoming less and less needed. The man at the counter complained that he could barely keep his store operational with the amount of purchases made. I gaze down at the book I had. In my head I feel I should purchase it, but as I thumbed through my wallet I realize I don’t have money. Not even for a book. I had spent so much before. What a mistake. I thought, I sighed again this time long. I set the book in the shelf. Threads of my hair trickle down my face.
I’ve got such bad karma. I thought to myself and shook my head. I spent the rest of my time browsing. The various stores were crowded and I was somewhat grateful that I wasn’t actually needed to shop. I could see parents desperately grabbing for Xbox, and various other items I didn’t care to purchase even if I had money. Perhaps a PS3 I thought staring at it. I could play a few games on that. Though, despite my thinking that I found myself once again at the PC section. I found myself looking carefully until a larger crowd swelled in. The smell of terrible body odour invaded my senses. What was it about comic shops and game stores and body odour. I make my way out and gasp for air. The sky outside had darkened and once again I had missed out on most of the day.
I didn’t care, the sun is like a lazy couch potato at this time of the year. Shows up briefly then goes “Sorry guys, I am done.” Then drops below the horizon. I had no patience for the lazy, even if it was the sun. I made my way to the meeting place. Starbucks always Starbucks. I hate Starbucks, there coffee is pretentious not to mention the whole environment is pretentious. Yet Mandy likes her Starbucks despite the fact that she is lactose intolerant and the lattés she gets makes her somewhat ill. She flags me down immediately. Part of me wants to flee, but she rises up and grasps my arm. I squirm not wishing for such close contact.
“Ho ho, you’re not getting away from me.” she said and dragged me to the table. I sat down with a sign. “You’ve been doing a lot of that lately.” I knew exactly what she meant.
“I have reason to.” I said flatly and my frown was so apparent that she didn’t pursue the topic. She stirred her latte and I grinned quietly at the future rush to the washroom. The two of us sit quietly briefly. I crumple up my hands and set them in my lap.
“So I was thinking we could go to a club.” I frown such a large frown my lips probably skewered the poor couple next to me. “Now come on, don’t turn this down you promised.”
“I don’t like that stuff, I don’t like booze, I don’t like people on booze, and I don’t like clubbers.” I protest, but Mandy was not hearing any of it. She grinned to me saying that I didn’t have a choice then sipped from her latte. I secretly cursed her she knows I hate those places, but she felt it was the best place to meet people. Sure it’s been a while since the break up, but I am not really interested in meeting people. My thoughts lead to anxiety, which sure enough lead to sweat. I rub my brow, and wish the sweat appeared in places I could deal with it. Cold droplets touch my inner arms. I looked to Mandy probably visibly horrified.
“You’ve got to be kidding me. You’re that afraid to go there?” My face said it all. I frowned weakly. I’ve not had good experiences. I didn’t want to go, I rose from my seat as Mandy rose up behind me. “Where are you going?” I look over my shoulder.
“Home.” I sounded defeated, but I simply don’t wish to mingle with people I don’t trust. I apologised to Mandy who called me a coward indirectly. “I don’t see how not wanting to sell myself like cheap goods is being cowardly.” My voice was possibly sharper than I intended it to be. Mandy looked hurt, but I felt so awkward I didn’t know what to do. I made my way out and down the stairs. I felt stupid, I would apologise to her later. I’m not cut out for those kind of social settings nor did I approve of them. When I was old enough to drink I turned down every offering. I sighed again the sound of which only seeks to further my self-loathing. I push my way through the holiday crowd. My stomach growls loudly, I gaze about embarrassed. No one seems to take notice. Though no one never really does. A cool wind blew through the streets and I found myself hustling towards my home. I turn down the alley when a dark body slams into me and vanishes into the darkness. I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen not even an apology. I shook my head at the runner. Stupid holiday crowd I thought with a sour expression. I was now depressed and in pain. I pushed my way down the alley massaging my side, when I caught sight of three men over top of another. My body froze. My fists clenched and I could feel my teeth grind in my mouth.
My luck seems to only get worse. I looked across at the men who were kicking the person on the ground. I move forward. Do I be like everyone else? Do I pretend like I see nothing? I continued to walk then found myself pause at the scene. One of the men whose breath wreaked terribly looked at me and got in my face.
“Got a problem?” I shook my head stupidly, then I caught sight of the person they were kicking. It was the student from the library. My eyes widened, and the guy seemed to notice that. “You know him?” I shook my head in a panic and tried to move away. He gripped my wrist and I found myself halted completely. My heart pounded in my chest and sweat was shivering down my waist and arms. The fear was gripping me tightly.
“I don’t know him, I don’t know what is happening between you two,” my voice chokes and almost vanishes entirely. The boy agrees saying he doesn’t know me. That he probably reminded me of someone. I nodded in agreement. However, the man gripped me tighter. I clenched my teeth and looked at him. In all people there exists two sides. And one side is often referred to as the shadow side. My eyes narrow, and I gaze at the man. “Let me go.” my voice had changed. The man looked to me and tried to insult me. However, I broke from his grip quickly. “I don’t like your kind touching me.” It came over me more, that energy that feeling. I was gaining adrenaline and the more I got the more I trusted myself. The guy went to grasp me again, but I rotated my wrist and struck his palm inwards. The action startled him and greatly damaged his wrist.
I dropped my stance and shifted my legs apart. My arms immediately moving into position. A position that I had forgotten, but my body still remembered. The man went to slap me, but I strike him aside, I rotate his momentum in the direction he wanted to go and launched him from me. The other two looked at me in surprise. “Get lost.” I said sharply. The one who was their leader had found himself rising from the ground dizzy. If I had done that to him, they probably felt that I could do more to them. They left the boy spiting him as they went. I rose from my stance and rubbed my arm. My body was not used to Taiji anymore. I walked over to the boy he was a mess. Blood was everywhere, I crouched down beside him. “Would you like me to call an ambulance?”
“No please don’t.” I blinked at him strangely. I moved back when he rose to his feet. His hand looked horribly bruised, his face was black and swollen.
“You should probably go to the hospital.” the boy shook his head. His steps were swayed and he couldn’t stay straight. I steadied him myself.
“You’re the cat lady…” He came to realize looking at me in my face. I nodded my head somewhat embarrassed. I hadn’t given up on love yet. I wasn’t a cat lady yet damn it! I smiled weakly despite myself then helped him from the alley. “Okay, thanks for your help.”
“I really thi-”
“I can’t go to the hospital.” I blinked curiously then touched his shoulder stopping him.
“Why not?”
“It will cost me and I can’t afford it.” I smiled to him. I guided him back into the alley.
“This is Canada it won’t cost you anything.” He shook his head and said he wasn’t a citizen. He was instead a student who was studying here. I didn’t bother asking him where he was from. I realized that it would cost him some money, though foreign students do get some coverage. “You don’t have enough for a check up?” He shook his head. “Why?” he looked to me then down at the road.
“My parents cut my funding. I have failed too much.” I didn’t want to get into more uncomfortable details. I’ve had enough problems from people’s parents. I nodded slowly then guided him. I had no idea what came over me, but I worried he’d go back to his dorm and not take care of himself.
“I assume you don’t have a first aid kit at your dorm.” he nodded. I knew it, I had one at mine when I was in school. I lead him down the alleyway. I gazed at the spot where he was being assaulted. “Do you know who those people are?” he nodded again, he seemed very docile. “We’re going to report them okay?” he looked up to me then begged me not to. His bloody hands gripped my coat. He winced and pulled his hand away. I sigh again shaking my head at him.
“This is what I will do then.” I said finally after we had walked someway in silence and I realized I was leading him home. The fact that he went along with me without question or protest confused me. His attention was one hundred percent mine. “I will patch you up the best I can.” he nodded in agreement. “Then I am going to report the assault.” Again he begged me not to. “As a witness, not as someone calling for you.” He ceased to beg and seemed to be okay with that idea. I had wondered who those people were and why they were picking on him. I guided him to the apartment, the old man who normally seems to always be leaving as I am entering approached. His eyes shot immediately to the boy. “Could you not say anything?”
“You’ve got a strange taste in men, and a younger one too.” I frown at him, “I have bandages if you need them, though I think you should be in the hospital.” He said to the young man. The student shook his head, gave the same pleas as before. The old man gazed at him quietly then felt a internal tug. “Well you’re in good hands anyway.” The man didn’t want any more part in this, his cigarette was calling him and having to deal with a bloody mess must be unpleasant. We entered, I rushed across the lobby tugging the student with me. I quickly pushed the elevator button.
“The stairs is faster.” he said, but I gazed at his legs then shook my head. The elevator doors opened and with a sigh of relief there was no one inside. I pushed the button to my floor and guided the student up with me. We stood in awkward silence, the sounds of his laboured breath worried me. I wanted to call an ambulance. Perhaps sedate him and call an ambulance. His nose was definitely broken, his arm probably a bruised bone. I was sizing up his injuries until the elevator stopped. I guided him out and found myself tugging him quickly down the hall. I didn’t want my landlord to see I was bringing boys home. I didn’t want gossip.
I pushed him in and closed the door behind me. “Sit there” I said gesturing at the table in the dining room. I toss off my purse and set my keys on top of them. I take off my coat quickly and toss it on the pile. I rolled up my sleeves and immediately made my way to the first aid kit. What in the world was I doing. I couldn’t let him wander back, though schools do have nurses. I look at my watch.
“They close up shop after five.” the student answered as if knowing what I was thinking. I lowered my arm and opened the kit. I began boiling water and setting up bandages. “Isn’t that a little much.”
“No.” I answered flatly and began removing his jacket. When he gave me a sly grin, I flicked his forehead and told him to do it himself. I crossed my arms and paced slowly, but it was clear he couldn’t do it on his own. I frowned made my way over to him and began helping him. His blue eyes looked up and a sly grin moved across his face. I pinched his cheek which made him cry out. “Behave.” I said flatly again. I then set his coat in the sink. I didn’t want to get blood everywhere. I was grateful I did some cleaning. Though his interest in my recycling pile drew me into a terrible embarrassment.
“You’ve got a really nice place here. Quite big. Weird that you’d have all this on your own.” His words stung, but I try not to show it. His expression immediately told me I failed. He lowered his head feeling stupid for running his mouth. I dabbed his face first to clean the blood off. I kept biting my lip as I did it. The sight of blood made me ill. I didn’t like it, and I would have been a nurse if it wasn’t for the sight making me dizzy. Not to mention the terrible hours one would have to work. I just couldn’t do it. In time though I was putting my training to good use. A mixture of Chinese medicine and nursing techniques. In time I would have the student bandaged up as best I could.
“You’re lucky, no breaks save for your nose.” I said checking him over. “You’ll have to have some kind of plastic surgery if you want that fixed.”
“I think it makes me look tough.” he smiled sheepishly, but with his shaggy blonde hair, round face, and pale blue eyes there was no way he could look tough. It made him look awkward. I brushed my fingers through my hair then began tidying up the items back in the kit. As I expected the old man didn’t come to supply bandages. He’s good with words, but not with action. Typical with men I found. I look over my shoulder to see him laying his head on my table.
“I think you can make it home now.” I said urging him to leave. There is no way he could stay here. There was no way I could cook for two people. He gazed up at me and told me he didn’t want to go back. His defiance annoyed me. This was my house I’ll say when he can stay or leave. He could see my annoyance and he rose up quickly.
“How about this… wait wait” I moved towards the door to show him the way out. “I pay for dinner, it can be anything you want. Just don’t make me go back.”
“Why not?” I asked. He looked up to me seeming troubled. “You’ve got the count of three to answer me or I am tossing you out. I don’t even know your name.” the student sighed and made his way to me.
“My name is Nikolai, but I can’t tell you why I can’t go back.” I eyed him up. I didn’t trust secrets or hidden facts. He seemed uncomfortable at my gaze. “Dinner, desert, and a movie?”
“That sounds like a date.” I protested.
“It’s not.” I raise an eyebrow at him. “Well what do you say?”
“You’re trying to stay the night here, I can’t do that I don’t know you.” I gestured for him to leave then he made his way close to me. I backed away, but the door would cease my retreat.
“I’ll sleep on the couch.”
“No.”
“I’ll sleep in the closet.”
“What the hell.” my face contorted trying to figure this guy out. Why was he being attacked, who was the person that ran past me? “If you don’t tell me anything you can’t say here. I’ve had enough of guys traipsing about into my life. Lying their way to whatever agenda they have, then traipsing off.” I set my hands on my hips.
“I understand, I could tell you were hurt.” he said, I took him as manipulative at this point. I couldn’t trust anyone how could I? This world seemed to be filled with so many people who use one another. “I can’t go back. Do you remember my friend the one with dark hair.” I nodded, “If I go back things will get ugly again.”
“What do you mean.” he frowned he was hoping I would let up, but I wouldn’t. He asked me if I could shut the door. I did, but I stood in front of the door folding my arms across my chest.
“I covered for a friend, and now I am in deep water because of it.” I urged him to tell me more, and when he protested I told him that he was asking for me to trust him. That the only way I could trust someone is if they’re completely open with me. He nodded slowly then gazed over his shoulder as if someone was watching him. “My friend’s brother is in a gang. For some reason my friend needed money. The thing is he stole some of their money.” I frown at this point I was not believing his story. My disbelief made him panic. “You’ve got to believe me.”
“Why would he steal money from his brother? Why would you need to cover for him?” I had many questions, and he didn’t have enough answers. “I’m finished with this charade.” I said and opened the door. “This is the thanks I get for helping you I suppose.” Nikolai lowered his head and hesitantly left the apartment. I closed the door behind me and exhaled so loudly I sounded tired. I stood at the door briefly and thought over his story. How ridiculous. I rubbed my brow and shook my head wondering if all men were liars. I made my way to the couch and then remembered my stomach grumbling before. All of the excitement made me forget. I moved to my cupboards, but could find nothing. Nikolai’s coat lay drenched in blood in the sink. I sighed and knew I would have to step outside once more.
I plucked up his coat as well as my coat and keys. Instead of taking my purse I collected my card from the wallet and stuffed it all into my pockets. I rubbed my thumb on my card as I made my way down the elevator. When the elevator doors opened up I could see Nikolai sitting on the step outside the building. I stormed over and opened the door. He rose up to see me, part of him seemed overly relieved and incredibly happy. I blinked with surprise nearly taken aback. “I can come in then?” he said “You had a change of heart.” I looked in the direction of the grocery store, then to Nikolai. I tossed his coat at him.
“I was…” I couldn’t speak, the boy actually looked genuinely terrified. I could feel his fear coming from him. “What is going on?”
“I’m telling you, my friend did something stupid. I covered for him thinking it wasn’t anything. Now I have been dragged into it.” I still didn’t trust him. I shifted onto my left leg and crossed my arms.
“You seemed fine at the library.” I retorted, but he shook his head. He exclaimed that it happened after that. That the confrontation that I had walked in on was the aftermath of the events. Then I remembered, the guy who slammed into me must have been his friend. I nod slowly, and despite my better judgement I guide him into the apartment.
2011-08-07, 03:28
. I normally don't get on the spot inspiration, however, I think my good mood is the reason for this sonnet. Wish I could write a broader spectrum, however my feelings greatly guide what I am writing. Here it is:
Graphic Designer
heehee...
did something happened? but since you are in a better condition it's no problem then! 
