Friendship

[Tenken's Smile]

Originally Posted by Mystique

When do you know you got a true friend?
When shit hits the fan and you see who will set their life aside and try to dedicate as much time to you as possible.

"A friend in need is a friend indeed." Agree!

[Mystique]

PS: Ledgem, only married people can help you there, since not many of us are in that stage in life
However, I can toss you an anecdote from my current situation of having to try to get along with peeps near a decade my junior though.
Age differences I notice can be a strain on friendships, perhaps even more than relationships...

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

To get good friendships require's plenty of time.

Regarding insecurities, hide them, friendships are not for discussing such personal things. Maybe if you've known them a really long time. Otherwise, stick to more jovial conversation.

The are you talking from a male point of view given that females typically tend to discuss everything under the sun?
Or are we talking about acquaintances or friends limited within a certain social circle )ie, school, work or hobbies)?

I notice humans generally find to tell their insecurities to strangers/poeple they have not trusted too much for fear of what they'll think of them, but that's the time to test who really will accept you for who you are or evolve into, no?

[Tenken's Smile]

Originally Posted by Mystique

The are you talking from a male point of view given that females typically tend to discuss everything under the sun?
Or are we talking about acquaintances or friends limited within a certain social circle )ie, school, work or hobbies)?

Sorry, I was the one who raised that question, so if your question was supposedly directed to me... I was referring to people in general.

I notice humans generally find to tell their insecurities to strangers/poeple they have not trusted too much for fear of what they'll think of them, but that's the time to test who really will accept you for who you are or evolve into, no?

I agree with this as well. On the Internet, anonymity makes it more comfortable for people to talk about their true feelings and beliefs.

[ChainLegacy]

Originally Posted by Mystique

The are you talking from a male point of view given that females typically tend to discuss everything under the sun?
Or are we talking about acquaintances or friends limited within a certain social circle )ie, school, work or hobbies)?

I notice humans generally find to tell their insecurities to strangers/poeple they have not trusted too much for fear of what they'll think of them, but that's the time to test who really will accept you for who you are or evolve into, no?

Maybe, and I guess I can't speak from a female perspective, but even with really good, long-lasting friendships, on the subject of insecurities/jealousies/etc: if you're bringing up the topic more than say 5% of the time you spend with that person, it's going to become annoying, or awkward, or both. Even people you know really well don't want to wallow in pity. That's why I try to think of friends as people for good times; doesn't mean we can't discuss serious things, but I'd rather keep those interactions fun and enjoyable.

I'll dump the personal problems on my family instead.

[Fahd]

Originally Posted by Ledgem

I've been having problems making friends. I had a good group of friends through grade school, and then made a group of friends in college. I loosely keep in touch with members from both groups, but distance and different life paths make it difficult to connect.

For your school friends, if your parents and their parents still live in the same geographical area, and you visit your parents at the same time of the year (e.g. Christmas), you'll get the chance to meet up with them. For university friends it's a bit more tricky - we usually meet in the mid-point between all of us (every few months), but that requires coordination .

It doesn't help that most of us have chosen career paths that keep us very busy, or that some members have changed to be almost completely incompatible activity-wise.

Again with the coordination . Also, talking (i.e. catching up), eating in a restaurant, and/or watching a movie are pretty generic activities. You don't have to have an anime marathon, go rock climbing, or clubbing when you meet up.

I get along great with all kinds of people, but when it comes to social activities, the singles want to hit bars or go partying. A wedding ring doesn't ban be from such activities, but it's never been my thing, and it feels even weirder to be in that scene while married.

I know I'm stating the obvious but you'll need to find find friends who (like yourself) also aren't fond of partying :/ .

Temporary issue aside, I guess I'm also curious about how to balance marriage and friendship. I've hit issues before where single friends want to spend a lot more time together than I'm willing to; frequently cutting out of group activities early means you miss out on a lot of stuff and can slowly get edged out.

I suppose you let them know what time you need to leave, or you give the reasons why you can't come? If they value your friendship they'll put up with it, and if not then the won't? I'm not married yet so I guess it's not a very useful answer :/ .

...it's just that I'm temporarily separated from my wife, since we're in schools that are geographically distant...

...I just want to be able to hang out with people that I can connect with, but I haven't found anyone like that so far...

By school do you mean university? If so, go find a club which does something that might interest you. You'll have a shared interest with the people there. Make the time for it. If that means cutting back on some of your solitary interests then that's a value proposition you'll have to weigh up . If your university/school has no clubs () then go find some in the local community. They'll probably be sports clubs mostly but you're bound to find other ones around (e.g. a photography/camera club, astronomy club, computer club, etc).

[DonQuigleone]

Originally Posted by Mystique

The are you talking from a male point of view given that females typically tend to discuss everything under the sun?
Or are we talking about acquaintances or friends limited within a certain social circle )ie, school, work or hobbies)?

Can't comment on women. I pretty much meant all friends. Besides, I suppose, the friends you meet through Alcoholics Anonymous . There is a sort of continuum between Friends and acquaintainces, generally I actually don't bandy the F word about much though. My relationships with people are what they are. Trying to define things just produces awkwardness.

However, Friendships don't generally require you to give of yourself, be it financially or emotionally. Friendships are at their core equal. The easiest way to maintain that is not to go giving of yourself inordinately. So you don't go talking about your anxiety disorders, nor do you festoon your friends with lavish gifts.

In fact, regarding gifts, I've got a fairly successful "no gifts" policy with all my friends. I don't give them anything, they don't give me anything. Works really well. Gifts only invite trouble.

I notice humans generally find to tell their insecurities to strangers/poeple they have not trusted too much for fear of what they'll think of them, but that's the time to test who really will accept you for who you are or evolve into, no?

Generally I actually find it easier to talk about my personal problems with complete strangers (depending on the circumstances though), because I'll know I'll likely never see them again, and nothing I say will find it's way to other people I know.

Originally Posted by Tenken's Smile

I agree with this as well. On the Internet, anonymity makes it more comfortable for people to talk about their true feelings and beliefs.

Indeed, though your occasional Bus stop can also work.

Originally Posted by ChainLegacy

Maybe, and I guess I can't speak from a female perspective, but even with really good, long-lasting friendships, on the subject of insecurities/jealousies/etc: if you're bringing up the topic more than say 5% of the time you spend with that person, it's going to become annoying, or awkward, or both. Even people you know really well don't want to wallow in pity. That's why I try to think of friends as people for good times; doesn't mean we can't discuss serious things, but I'd rather keep those interactions fun and enjoyable.

I'll dump the personal problems on my family instead.

See, men and women aren't so different .

[Nightbat®]

Originally Posted by Tenken's Smile

Most people often prefer being friends with people who are self-assured and problem-free, and tend to stay away from people who currently have troubles, partly because no one wants to hear emotional/depressing things or complaints...
It's not fair, but I think
if you want to make friends, you should rather hide your insecurities or work to become as strong as you can be.
What are your thoughts on this?

Try finding (perhaps 'getting' is a better word) friends with not some kind of emotional baggage (perhaps easier before puberty)
keep in mind that not knowing(/willing to know) your friends troubles/fears/worries proves a friendship not being very deep
also only wanting to be 'confronted' by happy joy-joy/All's right with the world shows a lack of caring
Nobody is waiting for drama in their life,
but it happens and there's no way around it, and if you are a friend, you take it as well. enjoy the good, help with the bad stuff

But hey, in this day and age removing someone from the buddy list just because they offer no profit is the way the world works,....right?

[Puddingman]

^^ Truth what you said above. Everyone's got some troubles, but it works out if the 2 people's troubles are compatible.

[Kaijo]

Originally Posted by Mystique

When shit hits the fan and you see who will set their life aside and try to dedicate as much time to you as possible.

I know there are people who have probably had people like that. But I have yet to see it myself.

I agree with the earlier poster; people come and go. Everyone is looking to fulfill their own needs and wants, and even despite the distance you may go for them, they'll still end up leaving when you are no longer perfect enough for them.

And I've gone through hell for people, helping them with problems, being a listening ear, even sending cash or other things they may have needed. Perhaps, in my younger years, I was too naive.

I have acquaintances I talk to now, from time to time. But the subjects are confined to single topics (anime, world events). And that's good enough for me.

Friendships, like any other relationships, depend greatly upon luck, and whether you naturally have the traits that make people want you. If you don't, then then use you while they can, and then drop you like a hot potato when you no longer measure up.

[Kyouka]

is this a thread where we make friends on this site? im at like 6 atm

[Kaijo]

Depends on what you mean by "friend."

Oh, and meant to post this vid about whether men and women can be friends.

[Vexx]

Originally Posted by kyouka

is this a thread where we make friends on this site? im at like 6 atm

No, this isn't a thread about the misuse of the word "friend" in forums and social networking sites

Its discussing actual friends, the getting of, and what it means to be a friend.

[Endless Soul]

Originally Posted by Mystique

When do you know you got a true friend?
When shit hits the fan and you see who will set their life aside and try to dedicate as much time to you as possible.

Completely true. There's also the ones who you think are great friends, but then turn out to be something completely different.

I had a good friend years ago. He was an awesome guy and we got along great. Even lived together for a while (as roommates you pervs ) and helped each other deal with the bullshit in each other's lives.

However, that all ended when I announced that I was going to marry my now-wife. He took great exception to the fact that she's Chinese (I won't repeat all the racist stuff he spewed, and he had never said anything like that before) and felt that I had deeply betrayed him because I didn't "consult" him about it first. He ended up renouncing our friendship. I was completely shocked by his behavior, but I was happy to oblige his un-friending request.

We haven't spoken to each other since then.

Endless "The Betrayer" Soul

[Nightbat®]

Originally Posted by Mystique

When do you know you got a true friend?
When shit hits the fan and you see who will set their life aside and try to dedicate as much time to you as possible.

Originally Posted by Kaijo

I know there are people who have probably had people like that. But I have yet to see it myself.

Notice my emphasis on Mystique's last words

Some will offer a few words, some will actively help,
...though some tend to jump ship at the sight of a slight wave, others are more willing to endure rough(er) weather

It's up to 'you' to accept what is understood under 'done as much as possible'

I think you're right that no one will percevere untill they themselves are
in as bad a situation as you and will jump ship before going down with it
(what's the logic when in the end the rescuer needs to be rescued as well as the rescuee)

Originally Posted by Kaijo

Depends on what you mean by "friend."

Oh, and meant to post this vid about whether men and women can be friends.

Well, that interview is pretty onesided

I for one believe that 2 people of the opposite sex can be friends
But only if those two already have a meaningfull intimate relationship with someone else, to actually make that friendship last
admitting such a 'safeguard' may be less neccessary for women

[Paranoid Android]

Originally Posted by Kyuu

Protip for guys: put the girl in the friend zone first.

IT STILL HURTS! /criesatidalwaveofbittermelonjuice

Meh, to me friends is anyone who'd bother to show up to any group activity or respond with a noticeable interest in things because I am involved as a person.

I see friendships as a huge blurry gradient.
-----------------------------------
- A one-sided friendship where you use the person to satisfy your own loneliness. Where you are okay with naturally believing a person is your friend.

- Someone who you wouldn't think of talking to but would hang out with if the situation ever arises. And vice versa.

- Someone you always ask to large group events because you enjoy their presence. And vice versa.

- Someone you always talk to or do things with in small group settings. And vice versa.

- Someone who's opinion and feelings that you care about (A friend of mine is terribly picky about restaurant food, I always consider him when arranging a group eat-out) and talk about anything with.

- Someone who you would regularly poke and persuade in accompanying you with random activities. And that you will defend their public social image even if they are at wrong and even if they are in a fight with your own friends.

- Someone who you will try to save when they do something terrible like getting addicted to cocaine, theft, rape.. etc.

-----------
I have no one-sided friendships because I'm independent and isn't very sensitive to loneliness. I also don't have any friend I would help if they get into deep shit.

Originally Posted by Nightbat®

I for one believe that 2 people of the opposite sex can be friends
But only if those two already have a meaningfull intimate relationship with someone else, to actually make that friendship last
admitting such a 'safeguard' may be less neccessary for women

I agree with both statements. However, I also believe you can befriend someone who you've broken up with or had given up a relationship in the past and both are currently single. The hardest point being one single and other dating.

My female best friend broke up with her bf and I broke up with my gf both in spring 2011 and things seems fine =)

Spoiler for he:

You should break up with him.

Spoiler for her:

Whaaaat, why?

Spoiler for he:

My girlfriend just dumped me.

Spoiler for her:

Wth..?

kidding . But that would be sad and funny if there was a couple like this.

[Magin]

To attempt to quote an old speech...

Friends will help you move. True friends will help you move the body.

[Nightbat®]

Originally Posted by Paranoid Android

Meh, to me friends is anyone who'd bother to show up to any group activity or respond with a noticeable interest in things because I am involved as a person.

It shows they have an 'affection' towards you, ofcourse if that kind of involvement only happens once in a blue moon where they show up, the thought "had nothing better to do" springs to mind

People I recurringly chat with on occasion are not immediately 'friendships' just 'friendly'
There has to be somekind of personal involvement (knowledge about/interest in eachother) for friendship instead of superficial chit chat and the occasional meetings at parties

[Tenken's Smile]

What would you say about a person who thinks that
most of the things he/she does
most of the people he/she associates with
and/or even his/her opinions or beliefs
need to be validated by his/her best friend(s)?

You're more confident if your beliefs and opinions are also agreed with by a second person.
But are you annoyed when your best friend demands to know about almost every person you're associated with? Are you afraid that he/she would get upset if you didn't share some information?

[Kallen4life]

Friendship is magic

had to say it

[Hippo]

Originally Posted by Tenken's Smile

Also... talking about Friendship VS. Money:
I believe the people who judge you on how much money you have/spend aren't good friends.
But at the same time, do you think you should try to spend a little more money than usual when you go out with friends? Such as, for example, if your friend wanted to go on a cruise, first class, but your money was tight, would you try to afford first-class ticket just to be with him/her or to please him/her?
Thoughts are welcome.

Well I think going on a cruise just to make someone happen is a step (or even leaps and bounds) too far but ignoring your example it can be annoying when friends don't want to spend any money. For example, sometimes it can be nice to treat each other. One friend though never offers to buy anything- never buys a round in the pub, never treats anyone to ice cream etc. Now, if he had money troubles that is understandable but the aspect of it that bothers me a bit is that he is happy to accept people buying things for him. Trust me, I've been broke before so I can understand people won't want to volunteer to buy a round that could end up costing them £30 or so but during those times I also refuse to accept too much because I know I can't return it. So, for example, if people are buying rounds in a pub and I have no intention of buying a round I would maybe just order a soft drink and make it last, I would keep ordering expensive drinks at every round. These people can come across as leeches and other people notice and bring it up, causing awkwardness whether the person not spending is really aware of what they are doing or not.

Money can be a difficult thing with friends as well as significant others. I had a friendship fall apart purely because after we had been friends for a while we became housemates and I found out he thought it was perfectly fine to spend all of his money on nights out and then just eat all the food I had bought so I would have to keep rebuying things. It just showed a complete lack of respect for me, I guess he was treating me (and our other housemate) with the same attitude that he treated his parents and assumed the fridge magically refilled itself every night I know that the people he houseshared with afterwards had the same problem with him. He had a very strange attitude to money, if I said I couldn't go out drinking because I didn't have much money he would say 'so what, it's just money!' Yes, just money, that thing you need to pay bills and buy food...