Dating

[JC...]

I don't understand this notion of 'dating for the sake of dating'. Plz explain.

[JuGG]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

You're going to have those moments regardless, really. You can try your best to avoid them so you have no regrets, but inevitably, you're always going to have something you'll look back on and think, "I should have."

Originally Posted by Nightbat®

People without regrets either have no conscience or are arrogant to the bone in thinking whatever they did it was always right

This and this. Seriously, if you can manage to make important life decisions for several years without least a tiny regret then I am envious. There are always "what ifs" and such.

As for this dating stack business I'm a bit confused--for me, dating has changed through life rather than been merely dependant on culture. And it also depended on circumstance.

In High School people split into wide and partially interlinked social circles with the odd splinter group of folks and asking someone out was either a massive thing or a minor thing depending: if it was in your circle then it was a big step because the stakes were higher; if it was someone from another group then it was easier because less people would be effected. Entering your late teens and twenties (I was in Uni) the circles had become so wide they were pretty none existent and people were not put into group--everyone made friends with anyone the wanted. Dating was easy and accepted and pretty much everyone was interested.

That's just how I've found it anyway, I've never really noticed much difference with cultures--what about you peeps?

[idiffer]

Originally Posted by Nightbat®

People without regrets either have no conscience or are arrogant to the bone in thinking whatever they did it was always right

it's not about what is RIGHT. it's about whether it was worth it or not. following my own theory, i have no regrets.
all the bad stuff - all taught me smth.

[Neat Hedgehog]

Originally Posted by Nightbat®

People without regrets either have no conscience or are arrogant to the bone in thinking whatever they did it was always right

What? I can't agree with that at all. Having no regrets does not mean that you think you always did what was right. It means that you acknowledge the fact that you did the best that you could at all times.

Think about it, even if you consciously make a decision to make a poor decision, then at that point, your aggregate experiences and current mental state are such that making the decision to make a bad decision is the best decision you can think of, even if you know it will turn out badly.

I can think of a bunch of times when I screwed up, and they were all my fault, but I don't regret them. I was doing the best I could at the time. If I want to do better, then there's no point in saying "if I had done X or Y..." All I can do is say I'll try to make my best better next time.

That's what it means to have no regrets.

[Nightbat®]

Just because you did your best doesn't mean you would have wanted a different outcome

"I did my best therefore it is right"

Seems the arrogance part has already been proven
and look closer, that mindset is a great method of soothing your concience and with that protect yourself

Though perhaps I may have been a little blunt with 'arrogant to the bone' and 'no conscience'


Most of my regrets are no more than painfull memories, but at least I admit (to myself) that I ****** up back then

Knowing I did my best, knowing I can't change them doesn't make them less regrettable
I certainly won't start lying to myself to clear myself of any blame



Funny how people always want others to regret any wrongdoing, yet wash their hands in innocence with their own

[Neat Hedgehog]

Originally Posted by Nightbat®

Just because you did your best doesn't mean you would have wanted a different outcome

Well of course not. That doesn't mean that you were capable of bringing about that outcome at the time, though. And obviously if you screw up, you weren't capable of bringing about a positive outcome.

"I did my best therefore it is right"

Seems the arrogance part has already been proven
and look closer, that mindset is a great method of soothing your concience and with that protect yourself

Say what? Maybe you missed something there, but that is completely the opposite of what I said.

See? Right here:

I can think of a bunch of times when I screwed up, and they were all my fault, but I don't regret them.

What I said was that even if I screw up, I was still trying the best that I could, but I still screwed up. At that point, there is nothing to regret. I tried my best, failed horribly, and I am left with no way to alter the past, so mourning lost options is illogical.

You know, come to think of it, it seems like a more "self-comforting" mindset to regret things and think about how you could have done things differently. You give yourself the illusion that you could have changed the way things happened. To me, it takes more guts to admit that your best effort simply wasn't good enough and that all you can do is try to do better the next time around.

Would I wish that things turned out better? You bet. There are lots of things that I would have liked to have had turn out differently. Do I regret the way they came out, though? Nope. I did the best I could. Did I fail? Yup. Was my best effort utterly inadequate to bring about a positive outcome? It sure was. Do I hope to have learned from those experiences so that I can avoid repeats of the same situations? You bet. Do I regret the way things turned out? Not one bit.

Though perhaps I may have been a little blunt with 'arrogant to the bone' and 'no conscience'

Most of my regrets are no more than painfull memories, but at least I admit (to myself) that I ****** up back then

Knowing I did my best, knowing I can't change them doesn't make them less regrettable
I certainly won't start lying to myself to clear myself of any blame

Funny how people always want others to regret any wrongdoing, yet wash their hands in innocence with their own

You don't have to clear yourself of any blame to not have regret. Do I think I'm blameless just because I don't regret my mistakes? Heck no, I'm still guilty as hell. Those times are gone now, though, and regret will not help.

It's one thing to admit that you made a mistake; it's a completely different matter to bludgeon yourself over the head with it for the rest of your life. Not to mention completely irrational. The past cannot be changed, therefore the best you can do is to learn from past mistakes and move on. Regret is illogical and pointless.

[Nightbat®]

And the 'no conscience' has just been proven as well

[synaesthetic]

I understand where he's coming from. Constantly whinging and emoing over shit you did in the past is fucking stupid. Why? It's the past! It can't be changed!

[Suomi]

Ohhh, I've gone and done it now

The guy I mentioned I liked, well...I can't tell if he likes me! I feel so sure at times and not a all other times, and he doesn't say anything about it. I've made it clear I like him but he hasn't made it clear whether he likes me. I think he's not sure and I think it's cause of me.

See, my best friend and I have a very close relationship and it might look to outsiders like more than it is. We call each other "love"and such, but we don't have romantic feelings for one another, though it may seem like it. He's not really an outsider, he's good friends with both of us, so he knows that she acts like this but doesn't mean anything romantic by it--but he DOESN'T know that I do, because I don't act like it with anyone other than her, though she does...
so I've made it clear that I like him, but it may seem to him like I have feelings for her...or for both of them...and that's why he's not sure yet. Or something like that.

But I can't just be like "oh hey just so you know she and I harbor no romantic feelings for each other..." or anything like that...and it's not the right time yet to be like "I like you." or whatever...
Nor can I be like (to her) "we can't act like this because of him." especially since she likes him too ...I'm pretty sure. Therefore I also can't explain all this to her...

So I really feel like I've fucked it all up now...

[zebra]

Originally Posted by Illusore

See, my best friend and I have a very close relationship and it might look to outsiders like more than it is. We call each other "love"and such, but we don't have romantic feelings for one another, though it may seem like it. He's not really an outsider, he's good friends with both of us, so he knows that she acts like this but doesn't mean anything romantic by it--but he DOESN'T know that I do, because I don't act like it with anyone other than her, though she does...
so I've made it clear that I like him, but it may seem to him like I have feelings for her...or for both of them...and that's why he's not sure yet. Or something like that.
.

I honestly doubt that is the reason for his hesitation

I'm rather close and flirty with my friends myself and it's really rare people take our behaviour as serious. I don't know if it's that different at your place ... but isn't it normal that friends act a little couplish sometimes just for fun? Specially if they're girls?

And this guy - he knows you both .. I sincerely doubt he got the wrong idea, specially now with both of you going after him. Unless he got the idea you both are only asking him to be the guest star in a menage a trois

How did you make it clear to him you like him? Did you tell him? Did you jump and kiss him?
Anything subtler than that might as well have flew past his radar unnoticed.
Many women think they're being obvious, but men speak a different language sometimes, so they won't understand some of the most obvious signs (to us at least).

If you are still in doubt- how about this:
Next time you spent time with him, you casually let it slip that someone mistook you and your friend for a couple and laugh at the idiocy of that. Watch his reaction.

I still think he has other reasons, though

[Suomi]

Originally Posted by zebra

I honestly doubt that is the reason for his hesitation

I'm rather close and flirty with my friends myself and it's really rare people take our behaviour as serious. I don't know if it's that different at your place ... but isn't it normal that friends act a little couplish sometimes just for fun? Specially if they're girls?
And this guy - he knows you both .. I sincerely doubt he got the wrong idea, specially now with both of you going after him. Unless he got the idea you both are only asking him to be the guest star in a menage a trois

Well yeah, but I don't really do that with any of my other friends...and...I dunno...

Well...he's known me for two weeks (though we know each other surprisingly well for that) and her for a year or so...hm. And well, he knows that she doesn't mean romantic by her actions toward me, and that she acs like that around other girls, too, but that I don't act like that around other girls, just her. and well...hmmm.

How did you make it clear to him you like him? Did you tell him? Did you jump and kiss him?
Anything subtler than that might as well have flew past his radar unnoticed.
Many women think they're being obvious, but men speak a different language sometimes, so they won't understand some of the most obvious signs (to us at least).

No and no...but really. I've said things, been a little bit flirty, and my actions are just like that...plus usually things end up written alll over my face D:

If you are still in doubt- how about this:
Next time you spent time with him, you casually let it slip that someone mistook you and your friend for a couple and laugh at the idiocy of that. Watch his reaction.

I still think he has other reasons, though

hmm, good idea.

what might those reasone be do you think

[Asuras]

Too many girls call each other 'love' and state that they're married and such. I'm sure he's not such a dolt that he'd believe you were homosexual.

Trust me when I say he knows you two aren't romantically involved.

[zebra]

Originally Posted by Illusore

No and no...but really. I've said things, been a little bit flirty, and my actions are just like that...plus usually things end up written alll over my face D:

what might those reasone be do you think

There can be various reasons, I can't truly tell without knowing either of you.

But it might be one of these:
He isn't sure if he likes you or doesn't like you in that way at all.
or
He does like you! But isn't sure if you like him back and is scared to do something about it.

Yeah you say you're being obvious, but he might not think so. He might have the exact same qualm as you "I made it obvious I like her, but I have no idea if she likes me, too!"
Things that seem earth shattering flirty in the I-LIKE-YOU-GODDAMIT kind of way for you - might totally go unnoticed by him.

Female sublety is elegant and wonderfully manipulative if it hits the target, but it can easily get ignored.

Men=stupid. If you want him to know something, tell him. You can't expect him to know otherwise. Or you just remain patient and get closer to him naturally.
Your choice really, but you can't expect him to give an answer as long he hasn't even heard the question

Disclaimer: The 'stupid' part is meant in an affectionate way of course <3

[Kaijo]

Originally Posted by zebra

Men=stupid. If you want him to know something, tell him. You can't expect him to know otherwise. Or you just remain patient and get closer to him naturally.
Your choice really, but you can't expect him to give an answer as long he hasn't even heard the question

Disclaimer: The 'stupid' part is meant in an affectionate way of course <3

Speaking as a guy, this.

Although it goes both ways. Never assume that your message is going to get across, unless you are direct about it. Hell, even if you are direct, there is still a chance for miscommunication, so you're definitely going to have issues trying to be subtle.

It's 2011; you can ask him out. You don't really want us to go back to the days when the guy had to do everything.

[Dextro]

Originally Posted by Kaijo

It's 2011; you can ask him out. You don't really want us to go back to the days when the guy had to do everything.

This! I'm still a bit saddened that here in my neck of the woods man are still looked upon to start the relationship and it's very rare to see a girl actually standing up and saying what she feels like...

It's 2011 people, wake up! We men can't be expected to ALWAYS show initiative. You rightfully wanted and fought for equal rights ladies and by all means please do make use of them!

[Neat Hedgehog]

Originally Posted by Nightbat®

And the 'no conscience' has just been proven as well

The fact that you offer no example of where I "proved" that I have no conscience leads me to believe that you are merely attempting to be provoking, and have little actual reasoning to refute my statements while defending your own. It's obvious that you're not interested in having a real, well thought out discussion, so I suppose I'll just forget about the rest of your posts on the matter, since you were apparently only offering them as absolute statements, and not topics that people were allowed to share their differing viewpoints on.

[Suomi]

Originally Posted by zebra

There can be various reasons, I can't truly tell without knowing either of you.

But it might be one of these:
He isn't sure if he likes you or doesn't like you in that way at all.
or
He does like you! But isn't sure if you like him back and is scared to do something about it.

Yeah you say you're being obvious, but he might not think so. He might have the exact same qualm as you "I made it obvious I like her, but I have no idea if she likes me, too!"
Things that seem earth shattering flirty in the I-LIKE-YOU-GODDAMIT kind of way for you - might totally go unnoticed by him.

Female sublety is elegant and wonderfully manipulative if it hits the target, but it can easily get ignored.

Men=stupid. If you want him to know something, tell him. You can't expect him to know otherwise. Or you just remain patient and get closer to him naturally.
Your choice really, but you can't expect him to give an answer as long he hasn't even heard the question

Disclaimer: The 'stupid' part is meant in an affectionate way of course <3

Okay, okay I get your point. I did initiate the first time (well, it wasn't really a date per se but I hung out at his house for four hours and his actions made me, at the time, like...90% sure he liked me...but...hmm) though. And I suggested we do it again, suggesting two weeks from then but he said he didn't plan that far ahead, and a while later when I suggested this weekend he didn't respond...
The not-sure possibility is what it looks like to me...he seems to kinda go back and forth. We are close (we text for most of the day almost every day, and I meet him after every class and we eat together at lunch and stuff) but...it's still that awkward in-between stage.

But okay. I'll tell him. But it has to be the next time I see him in person outside of school (school=rushed and people around and bad...text=bad too)
. I'm just afraid of his saying no he doesn't like me...:I

Originally Posted by Kaijo

Speaking as a guy, this.

Although it goes both ways. Never assume that your message is going to get across, unless you are direct about it. Hell, even if you are direct, there is still a chance for miscommunication, so you're definitely going to have issues trying to be subtle.

It's 2011; you can ask him out. You don't really want us to go back to the days when the guy had to do everything.

Okay, okay. Though like I said above I DID initiate the first time we hung out...

[whitepearl]

Illusore, maybe he doesn't know what he wants.

[SaintessHeart]

Originally Posted by Illusore

<snip>

I do have a feeling that you are lost and bogged down by the people around you. You have no idea how to get out of it and is simply slogging through day by day dealing with the same shit.

Am I right?

[Suomi]

Originally Posted by SaintessHeart

I do have a feeling that you are lost and bogged down by the people around you. You have no idea how to get out of it and is simply slogging through day by day dealing with the same shit.

Am I right?

Yeah pretty much...though some days are easy to get through when good things happen and stuff...but others drag by just like you say...*sigh*

Originally Posted by whitepearl

Illusore, maybe he doesn't know what he wants.

That's' what I'm thinking